Psychological Issues #26

Are you an actual psychologist or whatever?

>>36108091

No. I get my experience from other sources. I believe being a psychotherapist is a vocation, not everyone can do it, and not everything comes with the degree, but I understand your question and think it's a valid thing to ask.

I know a lot of really shitty psychologists with degrees, though.

Do you expect to get a reply from your father, or is that immaterial?

>>36108151
OK then
Do you know anything about bipolar?

I have it and I was all over the place for the past year or so but I seem to have completely gone back to normal even though I'm barely even taking my meds
Is that a thing? I mean I know some people go like years between episodes but is it normal to go from being very rapid cycling to complete stability like that?
I'm honestly considering just not bothering with the medication cause it's expensive and I don't really take it that often anyway
Is this a terrible idea or what?

>>36108219

I haven't sent it yet. He may want to respond, somehow. I suspect he'll prefer to flee and not address much beyond denying, accusing, insulting, guilt-tripping, the usual.

The fact that he couldn't send a single question to me, on anything, show his intent.

How come you and your brother both sound fairly literate? Was reading a big thing in your house?

What kind of education did your parents get? Schoolwise, I mean.

(Actually, odd things about your grandparents? I sure know my father's mother is an arch-demon.)

>>36108248
>Do you know anything about bipolar?

I know it's frequently misdiagnosed and should be Borderline in many cases. Consider Borderline, as meds don't do much to it at all, and since it has much shorter cycles, and those cycles are generally triggered by something concrete.

What are your symptoms?

Also check the link in the resources.

Facet, how does it feel like when you start "shifting"?

>>36108253
My paternal grandmother was a highly irresponsible alcoholic. Burned their house down at one point iirc. She's been sober for years now though. I don't really like her because if you try to engage her on anything, even as a harmless discussion, she plays the airhead card even though she's now 70. I suppose it worked when she was young enough to be a bimbo; it's annoying now. She also uses playing stupid as a cover to slide the knife in. She seems to really relish pushing people's buttons then pretending it was accidental. She gossips relentlessly. She's hurt and lonely since none of the family wants to spend any time around her now. She was an English teacher, as was my father.

Dad did an English degree then his teaching qualification. He got an MA after I'd finished mine. My mother has a psychology degree for a low-rep college.

Reading was indeed fairly big. Dad always said if we had the skill to read it, there was no censorship on what we read. So I read Hannibal before I was ten, for example. A fairly stupid rule, when you think about it.

>>36108315

That was enlightening. Your mother has a psychology degree...

And yeah, that was a stupid rule. How can intelligent people be so dumb? I too was exposed to material not for my age, though not books, my parents don't read.

>>36108294
That depends on which way the shift is going. It feels almost like waking from a dream and falling into one at the same time. So, if it's into the female identity it's usually like that feeling of being gently nudged by someone as you dream, bringing you into consciousness - or, if you fall directly into REM as I do, floating into that state.

However, with the others it tends to be as though I have thoughts on a given situation and others interject. So if you imagine each of your own thoughts in sentences, with a line space between. Gradually, those gaps become filled with other thoughts in block capitals. After a few lines the block capital sentences hold the attention more until they're exclusively what's being read.

I don't think my answers here fully cover it, but it's a difficult concept to explain.

>>36108358
Oh, speaking of the Hannibal books, Red Dragon really struck a chord with me. Obviously it's never been that extreme, but the way he shifts into the Red Dragon was very relateable. Comparable to the one that I mentioned subdividing before.

>>36108371
>I don't think my answers here fully cover it, but it's a difficult concept to explain.

I understand. Must be a hell of a ride to experience this.

File: Owl.png (86KB, 266x266px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 266x266px

>>36108068
I'm lost and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been depressed more or less since I was eleven, ever since my father tried to commit suicide and I was placed in foster care. I've talked to people about it, a counsellor, a psychologist. None of it went further than prescribing me pills and telling me "You're a good guy Anon!"

I barely got the grades to continue my education, and after three years of doing courses that should have taken two years, I got a place at University. My interest is geography, so at the time it seemed like a good idea to study geography at a degree level. Now? I realise what a waste it was. I can't apply for any other courses because I only got enough points to go to Uni by pot luck.

I've been on a gap year. All I do is drink, smoke weed, eat food, listen to music and play video games. I work a lot, as a Janitor. It's not so bad, but it makes me even more depressed.

Everyone else seems to be advancing so much in life and has a clear goal in mind, while I'm just at the back of the train with my hand down my pants.

I'm so unhappy, and I can't see a circumstance in which I will ever be happy. I contemplate suicide a lot, but I'm a bit of a coward.

Summers here, and that means my depression is even worse. I can't wrap up in big clothes and cover my mouth with a scarf, I can't wear wooly hats to hide my hair, I have to walk around clear as day to everyone. My solution is not going outside. I can't even go to the shops in Summer, I'm so ashamed of myself.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe I haven't described my symptons enough, ask if you wanna know.

>>36108420

I share a bunch of these myself.

Right off the bat, I'd advise you to consider complex PTSD, even if that seems outlandish to you right now.

Also, you didn't mention anything about your mother.

>>36108416
It is, but it's familiar and not unpleasant most of the time. It can be very draining and usually causes some anxiety afterward though. I have noticed that people are nicer to me when I'm shifted into the female one - probably because they just think I'm an outgoing fag but that's fine. As for the hostile one, it can feel liberating and also powerful. The religious one comes with a sense of peace, purpose and stoicism.

File: Whaddayatalkinabout.png (321KB, 600x600px) Image search: [Google]

321KB, 600x600px

>>36108497
He didn't commit suicide in front of me. I was visiting my mother, who has schizoaffective disorder. She's a zombie honestly, my relationship with her is difficult.

When I was younger she smothered me with attention and care, we did almost everything together, while my father was emotionally abusive. Then, when I was around ten she had a breakdown, throwing shit, screaming, etc.

I got home from school and there was an ambulance and police cars outside my house, I didn't really care. Just talked to them and asked when I could go to my room.

From that point onwards I felt a great deal of hate towards my mother, she came back to live with us after a while, then had another breakdown, and so on so forth. She's been at home a long time without interruption, four, five years maybe. I still despise her.

She's just a shell of a human being, doped up on drugs while my Dad verbally abuses her daily.

Sorry if this isn't coherent, I struggle to recall memories from my childhood, and there are so many small details that will pop into my head and leave just as fast.

File: Holy Crackers.jpg (16KB, 250x250px) Image search: [Google]

16KB, 250x250px

First off I apologize for sounding edgy. Most likely I forgot to learn a life lesson or two in my 29 years.

Why is it bad to wish bad on someone?
I can't count how many people I wish death on with all of my fingers and toes. Clearly I'm spiteful. I want old bosses to die, that rude women in the supermarket some big reasons but, small ones too.
How do I stop being so hateful?

>>36108537
attempt to commit suicide*

Sorry

>>36108540
>How do I stop being so hateful?
Leaving 4chan forever would be a start.

>>36108537
>He didn't commit suicide in front of me. I was visiting my mother, who has schizoaffective disorder. She's a zombie honestly, my relationship with her is difficult.

Even if it didn't happen in front of you, the attempt, it's still heavy.

I'm pretty sure now that you have CPTSD from growing up without solid parents who could take care of you as required.

>When I was younger she smothered me with attention and care, we did almost everything together, while my father was emotionally abusive.

Both can be very damaging for a child. If one parents loves you and praises you for everything while another does the exact opposite, you can't get a grip on reality and what's objectively good or bad. This can mess with a child's mind something violent. Emotional abuse is serious abuse.

Do you think your mother disliked that you were growing up?

>She's just a shell of a human being, doped up on drugs while my Dad verbally abuses her daily.

Damn... What a bleak picture. Genuinely freaked here.

>Sorry if this isn't coherent, I struggle to recall memories from my childhood, and there are so many small details that will pop into my head and leave just as fast.

Also very indicative of CPTSD. Really, read that link about it and do the test, for what it's worth.

>>36108540

Find out why you hate. There's a source for that and it's probably misguided; in other words: you really do hate someone, or two, but not those people. Perhaps you're afraid to hate the one(s) you truly hate, for a reason or another.

Do these thoughts stir anything in you?

>>36108636
Not really.
*reads a second time*
Maybe my question is wrong.
I had bosses who yelled at me more then spoke to me. I hate them.
Sometimes I did deserve it and other times I didn't. These people are all in the past but, I wish they would die.

I find myself less and less forgiving as I get older.

>>36108659

Let's agree that what people say and do to you have a huge emotional impact, and maybe you feel like it's a greater impact than it should be, right?

>>36108263
I don't have borderline

I get episodes of depression and occasional hypomania
My depressions used to last a couple of months and come around maybe twice a year and the hypomania used to be a couple of weeks and come around once or twice a year (before I got meds) but last year about may it seemed like every other week I was one or the other and at one point I was switching between them every couple of days but then after I finally started taking my meds regularly for a while I started to get better
But now even though I've been taking the meds on and off I've still been stable for a good couple of months now so I'm wondering if I'm just going back to how I was before or what

File: Jones.png (119KB, 234x219px) Image search: [Google]

119KB, 234x219px

>>36108606
I haven't really put any thought into his attempt. I don't really feel that bothered by it, it doesn't seem like it actually happened honestly. At least to me. He's only ever mentioned it once in the decade since it happened, and he didn't explicity say it either.

Yeah I was quite afraid of my Dad, I would start shaking and freaking out when he came up the stairs, even today I'm twenty and I still get a feeling of fear in my chest when I hear his feet banging up the stairs.

My mother doesn't seem to like or dislike anything. She is apathetic to everything. She sleeps, eats and shits. That's it. She does love me, I know that. I hate that she loves me, because it makes my hate for her feel so much worse. I feel so guilty.

It's worse than just that. She sleeps in from ten pmish to like midday. He will just shout at her, pour water on her, call her a fat cow. Goes on and on like that. Then she'll get dressed and sit downstairs, and he'll call her a lazy cow, says she does nothing with her life. She just nods and says "I know." It pisses me off, but I can't say anything. I've told her when we're alone that it's not her fault, and it's his, but she has something like Stockholm Syndrome and won't admit my Dad has faults.

I can't remember anything at all for the most part. The only thing I can recall vividly from the past year of my life is a trip to the US, apart from that? Nothing feels real.

>>36108689
Yeah it does.

yes it does

i should stop giving them that power,

>>36108716

Does anything trigger those episodes?

Does science explain why this happens?

>>36108778
Do you actually know anything about bipolar?

>>36108741
>Yeah I was quite afraid of my Dad, I would start shaking and freaking out when he came up the stairs, even today I'm twenty and I still get a feeling of fear in my chest when I hear his feet banging up the stairs.

Friend, my brothers feel the same way about our father, you may really, really have CPTSD.

> She sleeps, eats and shits. That's it.

Poetry.

>. I hate that she loves me, because it makes my hate for her feel so much worse. I feel so guilty.

I thought the same of my mother, but it wasn't love from her. I'm guilt-free now, mostly. I don't know enough to say whether she really does love you or not, all I know is that one can be wrong about things one can't imagine being wrong about.

>It's worse than just that. She sleeps in from ten pmish to like midday. He will just shout at her, pour water on her, call her a fat cow. Goes on and on like that. Then she'll get dressed and sit downstairs, and he'll call her a lazy cow, says she does nothing with her life. She just nods and says "I know." It pisses me off, but I can't say anything. I've told her when we're alone that it's not her fault, and it's his, but she has something like Stockholm Syndrome and won't admit my Dad has faults.

Damn, you need to call the cops or something. This is some major abuse right there. Your mother can't get better in such circumstances.

She probably really has SS, which is a survival mechanism by which you get attacked to your captor to increase your survival rate. It works but shouldn't last too long or it makes things worse.

Can you get her to see a psychotherapist?

>Nothing feels real.

Read that CPTSD article, you probably have it.

>>36108774
>i should stop giving them that power,

Sure, but that's not where I'm heading with this.

Do you have rages?

Do you break things?

Do you hurt yourself?

Do you suspect people of wanting to abandon you?

>>36108784

Some, but it's definitely not the area I know best. I figured you knew more about it than I did, hence my question.

>>36108778
Yeah bipolar is well researched. The hypo mania or mania looks kind of like being coked up when they examine the brain, the depression is like a comedown from it that is chemical and unavoidable.

>>36108831
I've skipped through it and I have the all of the symptons, but the same can be said for a number of disorders. Bipolar, Schizoaffective, BPD. I dunno, all of these fit me...

"Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair."

This one fucked me up bad. Jesus christ I hate psychology.

>Can you get her to see a psychotherapist?

She does, and I have told people how he treats her in the past, but they said there's nothing they can do about it

She won't tell anyone anyway.

people keep telling me i have bdd when i tell them my measurements. i wear a women's small and rarely an xs, but feel as if i am bigger than anyone on a professional football team..
is there ay way to make it stop?

>>36108857
If I know more about it than you how are you going to answer my questions?

I don't see how the triggers are that relevant but sometimes not getting enough sleep can set off the hypomania or at least make me a little bit hyperactive the next day
Parties can send me either way really. I don't go to many parties but when I do by the time I've spent a couple of hours there I'm either wishing I were dead or chugging vodka and removing clothes
Alcohol, even small amounts, can leave me depressed for weeks
Other than that it's usually pretty unexplainable

>>36108919
>I've skipped through it and I have the all of the symptons, but the same can be said for a number of disorders. Bipolar, Schizoaffective, BPD. I dunno, all of these fit me...

CPTSD does cover a vast ground. Many disorders can and perhaps will be placed under CPTSD. It's not in the DSM yet but it may be next year.

>>36108919
>but they said there's nothing they can do about it

Whaaaaa...

Is there any way to get her out of the abuse?

>>36108919
That's messed up. That's why I emotionally disconnected from my family. The bad prognosis that people have is too much

>>36108959
>If I know more about it than you how are you going to answer my questions?

At the best of my abilities. If your issue is primarily a brain mechanics issue, then talking about it won't help much and you're better off seeing a doctor; but for everything else, I'm here.

>I don't see how the triggers are that relevant but sometimes not getting enough sleep can set off the hypomania or at least make me a little bit hyperactive the next day

Triggers are indicative of the issue. I don't faint at random, for instance. Triggers can show the difference between Borderline and Bipolar.

Did your parents have Bipolar? Or grandparents?

Try as I might, I'm never happy. I have followed all the typical advice - find a direction, take regular exercise, fix diet - but nothing helps. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. Anxious and particularly socially anxious. I feel like I'm trying to wait out the clock until I die. I'm tired all the time. I just want to crawl into the earth and never come out. I tried drugs and stuff but of course those are temporery too. Better than nothing but I don't have friends with those anymore so I just sit about waiting for work or playing video games. I wish I was on an adventure or something. Life is so dull.

I'm feeling lonely today. A fun challenge for anyone willing to take it up; describe the phenomenology of an instance of choosing between two alternatives as you experience it.

>>36109032
I relate to that.I want to go wilderness camping with friends someday. Somewhere we can hunt and get real outdoorsy with it.

>>36109063
I know what you mean but I don't get into nature much. No laptop for a start, plus what if an animal gets you. I don't know about guns either. Staying up one of those fire towers mite b cool though.

Everything seems numb.
Most emotions feel fake. Life is beginning to feel less real then my dreams. Loneliness naws at me during social interaction. Its not depression but an odd detachment from reality. Only a few emotions get thru my scabs to my frontal cortex. 1 the urge to breed, which passed quickly. 2 the urge to kill myself. Which just kinda seems like waste. 3. The urge to hurt others. No-one in particular needs to feel my rage. It is just a slowly building backround radiation. Someone should feel my wrath. It is only fair

>>36109019
Pretty much everyone in my family has depression which seems to be from my mother's side
It wouldn't surprise me it some of them had bipolar 2 cause it can be hard to tell apart from regular depression

I don't think these triggers are indicative of any particular psychological issue
Like, what does lack of sleep causing hypomania indicate? It's a pretty common thing with bipolar people

I guess you don't really know the answer to my question

Also I don't have fucking borderline jfc

>>36109032

Same for me. Look up CPTSD, report back.

>>36109117
What's the difference between fake emotions and "real" ones? What, aside from the obvious, would you be wasting in the act of suicide? Why is it fair that someone else should suffer at your hands?

>>36109054
>describe the phenomenology of an instance of choosing between two alternatives as you experience it.

>be me
>be at restaurant
>have choice between meal A and B
>wait for friend to choose
>choose what he chose

>>36109117

Any abusive past?

Check the BPD link and report back.

File: 93594f07a319bb536a8fb07a28356470.png (265KB, 704x424px) Image search: [Google]

265KB, 704x424px

>>36108967
Idek how I'd get help. In the UK it's very hard to get access to services because the GPs aren't really out to help you.

Yeah unless she actually says he abuses her, they can't do a thing.

>>36109010
People are fucked my man, so fucked.

>>36109163
>be me faced with choice
>endlessly cycle through the alternatives
>weigh the pros and cons
>eventually make snap decision the reason for which i cant account for negating the previous effort
In all seriousness, I barely feel as though I make choices anymore. It's as though I've become an automaton, carried along by the rapids of physical processes.

>disabled older brother
>outgoing, intelligent and happy as a kid
>parent buckle from the stress of bro's situation, get divorce
>suddenly raised by single mom
>she works/is busy evenings and becomes stressed and cold
>heavily neglected
>brother bullies me, mom gives me shit if I stand up for myself but never makes him stop being an ass
>start dealing with depression around 12
>skip school like crazy, stay home and play vidya and post on forums
>depression gets worse
>fall into a cycle of self hatred causing depression and anxiety, which further my social reclusion and truancy which furthers my self hatred and etc.
>depression worsens over time
>think about suicide every day in highschool, lose friends, only socialize with a small number of longstanding friends and a couple close low status friends, develop horrid social anxiety
>become literally incapable of going up to strangers to talk or any kind of out going behaviour
>neet for a few years after highschool, get one job but get fired in the first month
>25 now
>been working a low grade job for a couple years year
>mental state has improved substantially in every way but still far from normal
>feel almost no desire to make anything of myself in life, pursue women or make friends
>no friends outside of work and an older gay guy who wants to suck my D
>not really depressed anymore like I used to be but feel completely hollow
>know my intellect is going to complete waste
>mentally-ill level procrastinator
>muh smart but lazy
>extremely bitter at life and my situation

>>36109198
>Yeah unless she actually says he abuses her, they can't do a thing.

Work on that with her.

Are you the same dude that tried to get robots into fitness?

>>36109215

Ever seen a therapist?

>>36109262

Yes. Might even be the same damn trip.

I still work out.

You?

>>36109158
Nah I think it's proabably just a problem in my brain. Or maybe there's nothing wrong and I just can't deal with things like normal people. So just weak basically. Sorry to pity part you but...

>>36109283
>So just weak basically.

No such thing.

Did you read that damn CPTSD article at least?

>>36109301
I've heard you refer to your parents as weak human beings before.

>>36109161
I feel emotions but its like they dont hold any weight. Perhaps their just not memorable. When I think of the last week I just remember being in physical pain and being lonely. i feel suicide would be a waste because there could be potential for me. Idk why but hurting others just feels so right.


>>36109169
My upbringing was nice. I should be succeeding and enjoying life but instead im lonely. I feel like I lost the ability to really connect with people

>>36109301
>>36109322
Do your parents have depression/ anxiety? If so, how was it growing up? Is that why you have it, you think?

>>36109322
>I've heard you refer to your parents as weak human beings before.

Yes. They aren't people you'd think of as "weak" if you saw them. They're narcs and behave accordingly. I called them weak because they weren't able to counter the abuse they faced as children and became just like the people who abused them. I see weakness in that reaction, yes.

Whenever anon feels weak, he is in general reacting to a horrible situation without realising how horrible the situation really is; he feels weak when he's showing strength.

But even for the case of my parents, they weren't born "weak", they weren't born bad people, they were grown into them. There's no "just basically weak" without a reason, that's what I meant specifically. After that, I do think people react differently based on their personality, therein may lie some kind of weakness.

>>36109337
I assume you did not intend to address that to me.

>>36109335
>I feel like I lost the ability to really connect with people

How come?

>>36109322
To be fair I believe he is directing that at people who succumb to their issues by treating others poorly, not people who struggle with them.

>>36109337

Are you asking me?

>>36109397

Yes. Any anon telling me he's "naturally weak", that's who I say there's no basic natural weakness without roots.

The truly weak don't think they're weak, because they can't accept the idea of not being perfect.

>>36109335
My emotions, too, have a diminished vibrance, if you will. I relate to your anger as well. I hope I didn't fool you into thinking I could offer advice. I only have questions.
Potential for what? What do you want to achieve?

>>36109388

Sorry, my bad.

>>36109413

Yeah but you answered anyway that they were abusive not depressed.

>>36109413

Yeah but I'm a total coward. I get too scared to do much so then I just end up sitting there with nothing to show for it. I ended up dropping out of my degree after one term because I was suicidal. I barely left my dorm if I could help it. If that isn't weak I dunno what is.

>>36109397
What's the difference? Inability to deal with an issue effectively is itself a psychological problem, no more or less deserving of scorn.

>>36109391
My brother is gone in the military. I hate my sister. My college is 6 hours from home so I never see my high school friends. I just feel weird opening up to people so im not close with any of my college friends. I also moved a lot as a kid so I dont know anyone from my childhood

>>36109271

No, I did talk to a local pastor who was a PHD trained in pastoral councilling for a few weeks, it went really well but I stopped going to see him for no good reason.

>>36109447
>Yeah but I'm a total coward. I get too scared to do much so then I just end up sitting there with nothing to show for it. I ended up dropping out of my degree after one term because I was suicidal. I barely left my dorm if I could help it. If that isn't weak I dunno what is.

You aren't a coward, you're facing odds and obstacles that are much bigger than the average person has to face. So, not only do you get a worse deal, but you can't even be proud of yourself for overcoming these difficulties, because they look like everyone else's.

You aren't a coward. You have CPTSD.

>>36109454
>no more or less deserving of scorn.

No psychological issues deserve scorn. Attitude and behaviour and choices may deserve scorn, but certainly not just having a psychological problem.

I don't scorn my parents for being NPD.

>>36109466

You need to connect with more folks. Can you join a club or something?

>>36109432
Thx
I don't know what I wanna do. certainly not engineering. I use to love jiu jitsu but my body probably cant take it anymore, MRI on monday

>>36109471

No reason to stay was a good reason to leave.

Find a non-religious one, or at least one that doesn't do his job with a religion's agenda and start again.

>>36109501
>I use to love jiu jitsu but my body probably cant take it anymore, MRI on monday

What do you mean?

>>36109497
I joined a fraternity. And a lot those guys are helpful when Im feeling down. It still feels weird to tell someone how I actually feel

>>36109527

Try finding group therapy. It may help to tallk with people who have similar feelings.

>>36109487
Surely the scorn can only be warranted as a social means of influencing behavior, not something to be internalized and carried around with you?

>>36109527
My shoulder is fucked up. Its a constant source of pain and messes with my sleep

File: 1491078572258.jpg (48KB, 550x800px) Image search: [Google]

48KB, 550x800px

>>36109454
To me the person who ignores it and is cruel to others due to their blaring issues, they are like a cowardly draft dodger who dipped out on the war and sent someone to it in his place. A man who faces their struggles and dead with them, despite it being hard and overwhelming, is facing what he has to and fighting the battle he needs to.

>>36109551
>Surely the scorn can only be warranted as a social means of influencing behavior, not something to be internalized and carried around with you?

That's not how I imagine scorn, nor how most people "do" scorn, either. Scorn is an opinion you have of someone, whether you express it or not, and I'd say most of the time it is not expressed. It's just for you in your mind.

>>36109553

Shoulders are tricky things. I hope you can get it fixed.

>>36109569

Pretty much this.
erogorghreuioghrwgw

>>36109487
Isn't that, in effect, what you're doing? You hate them for behaving in line with the symptoms of their diagnosis. You're also claiming that you're stronger because you didn't succumb to the same disease of the mind. There's some truth to that insofar as a person with a stronger immune system might avoid sickness where another falls ill and I can understand why you adopt this attitude.

However, I don't believe that a person can avoid developing a personality disorder through sheer force of will, as you claim to have done. Your ability to 'resist those thoughts' was not, I would argue, a conscious control over your development so much as it was a means to avoid emulating the behaviour of the parents you hate so keenly (and with justification, I might add). Your resistance was born of strength derived from hatred. Your hatred is overwhelming.

I hope you don't feel attacked, since that isn't my intention. However, I do feel as though you have a blind spot of sorts.

>>36109587
>Isn't that, in effect, what you're doing? You hate them for behaving in line with the symptoms of their diagnosis.

I'm not even sure about that. I try to allow myself any hate I may have, because it's required, but otherwise, I wouldn't say I'm hating them. They're like fire with a mind. This is retarded, but one reason why I haven't sent my letter yet is because I know it will hurt them, and I don't like hurting people, even people who did what they did.

>You're also claiming that you're stronger because you didn't succumb to the same disease of the mind. There's some truth to that insofar as a person with a stronger immune system might avoid sickness where another falls ill and I can understand why you adopt this attitude.

This is where things become unknowable. You may be right, you may be wrong. All in all, what matters is what is practical: what can be done. I can't do anything for them, but I must defend myself and my brothers. My sister-in-law thanked me for "saving her children" today, from potential abuse by them. That was not done out of hate, that was done out of concern for my nephews.

>However, I don't believe that a person can avoid developing a personality disorder through sheer force of will, as you claim to have done.

I'd say you don't develop the same problems. When it comes to narcissism, however, I do believe you either fight it or become it. I see this on several generations of my own peope, ranging from "perfectly possessed" to tainted by the dark side, as my brothers are.

cont.

>>36109574
You specifically said "deserve" and "being warranted" is the only way I can make sense of that word. For the feeling associated with the word scorn to arise in your mind in response to habitual lying may be understandable, but it isn't "deserved." Nothing is.

>>36109699

That was me.


>Your ability to 'resist those thoughts' was not, I would argue, a conscious control over your development so much as it was a means to avoid emulating the behaviour of the parents you hate so keenly

Wrong, I remember changing my thought patterns and not because I "hated" my parents, which I only did between the ages of around 14 to 18 or so, but I remember forcing my thoughts to make more sense long before I hated them, and long after I did. You have to understand that for the past 15 years or so, I had no hatred towards my parents. I considered them as adult children and treated them very well. A year ago, I'd frequently visit them once a week to give them free English lessons. I was the perfect son and accommodated them perfectly.

>Your resistance was born of strength derived from hatred. Your hatred is overwhelming.

I really don't think so. For a period of time, I was very angry, yes, because I realised I had been fooled for decades and that my baby nephews might have been molested by them, so yes, that made me rage a bit, but that was completely novel. As a child, up to 12 or 14, I didn't hate my parents, I only suffered under them but was convinced they were the best parents I could have, having no perspective. I hated myself.

As a teen, I hated them, but wasn't sure why beyond the arguments, short-lived though they were. Past that, I treated them like children, but as a good parent myself, and everything went great because I knew how to handle them.

>I hope you don't feel attacked, since that isn't my intention. However, I do feel as though you have a blind spot of sorts.

I don't, and it's fine to speak your mind, I appreciate it. I do believe you are mistaken here, however. I have mentioned murdering them with a baseball bat, yes, but I no longer feel that way.

>>36109699
Are narcs even human? I look at my mom and stepdads behaviour and what they care about (like my mother caring about her image of herself as a good mother and not if she is affecting her family poorly) and it makes me really wonder. I never saw my stepdad every do a truly nice thing that took effort to be good to others. Really mindblowing.

>>36109569
I don't recognize anything in this kind of heroic imagining that corresponds to how I view the world.

>>36109739

I'm not sure I know what you're referring to.

I said, "They deserve my scorn?" Is that it? I may have, and it'd be true: they deserve anyone's scorn. That would be a natural reaction.

See, the thing with me is that I tend to think like a therapist instead of as a person in a situation, so instead of reacting naturally, I try to understand everyone, put my own interests on the backburner, and analyse things to see what the best thing to do is, and that has been used against me by them for decades. So now I force myself to have a healthy animal reaction for my own interest, and in this case, it's saying that they deserve my scorn, even though my inner reaction is to keep doing the same saintly shit and wonder if my father won't be too hurt by my letter, even though I'm polite and truthful in it. I know I must cancel my care and concern for my abusers. I feel the urge to help the wounded, in general, so causing the wound is not something I can do easily.

It will hurt me to send that letter, but I must react and defend my person, for my own sake.

>>36109744
Alright, interesting then. I wish I could give a fuller response, but I'm heading out now. Talk later, if the thread is still up.

>>36109272
I kept giving up and getting back into it, so I gave it up for good. I wasn't really into it, and I couldn't disciple myself into doing it.

>>36109768

In a way, no. Here's an example from my brother: when I asked them if they remembered our mother reading us stories in the evening (which I did: cold, droning, monotone, lifeless stories; it was obvious that she was only "being a mother" and not actually enjoying spending time with her children), my brother recalled that she... recorded tapes of stories for us. We'd be given a book and the tape. The tape would tell us when to turn the page, too.

Who...

does...

that...

In her mind, she figured reading stories was really just about reading stories. It didn't cross her mind that the real purpose is elsewhere.

File: received_1838405863151100.jpg (58KB, 480x640px) Image search: [Google]

58KB, 480x640px

>>36109785
Why not? To me its pretty classically good and evil, it's almost the only struggle I see as such. People at a fork in the road where they can ignore the issue, blame it on others, and have a bunch of kids even though they are toxic. The other road where they acknowledge their issues and face their demons and don't have a bunch of kids and treat people terribly is much braver and doesn't create nearly as much suffering for others. I don't think law man and criminal is usually thar clear, nor are most other things. I feel like that one is, someone who is deeply troubled (let's even say this person died as a result) who at least didn't force their shit on some poor woman and fuck up some kids by talking the easier choice of narcissism and denial is certainly a hero.

>>36109785

I don't understand what you mean.

What Wolf says is that some people don't fight their own issues and instead give them to others. My parents never faced their issues and thus inflicted a whole army of problems on my brothers, myself, and other people around them.

>>36109805

Too bad! Never too late to start again though. What were you doing?

>>36109818
People definitely lose their soul when they go full narcissist to the degree where they don't even "get" that they are that way.

Nick, do you believe a increased capacity for empathy can be cultivated? Perhaps not even empathy, just a cold, cognitive concern that extends beyond yourself and immediate affiliates. Asking f-for a friend...

>>36109880

Tell me about it... I've seen it in my parents for decades, and never saw it until this year. I knew something was up, but wrongly assumed my father had assburger's. Whenever he said awkward shit in public, I assumed it was the asp, but now I know he meant it, and he wanted to create discomfort, to feed off.

>>36109893
>Nick, do you believe a increased capacity for empathy can be cultivated?

Yes. You should try equine therapy, horses. Animals force people to focus on non-verbal language to understand what another being feels and thinks and wants.

Otherwise, try to imagine you are other people.

Just put yourself in someone's shoes as if you were there instead of them.

>>36109845
>>36109864
I don't view things in narrative form very much. In fact, I have trouble even forcing myself to read things that are excessively interpersonal in topic. I take a much more systems oriented approach to thinking about human behavior and morality. Individual choices are mostly uninteresting to me. I can elaborate but I'd be delving right back into negative utilitarianism (I can't seem to stay away from the subject).

>>36109955

That's interesting but I suspect there's an agenda of yours behind this, one you keep hidden from yourself, because narratives are systems, complex ones, and very interesting ones. So are humans and their choices.

Perhaps you have a reason to stay away from certain things.

>>36109939
My biological dad is like that, but I don't think he is a narc, nor on purpose. He is more depressed and does pathetic shit. Like he makes good money but for into debt and stayed in my sisters driveway in a camper. Barely wanting to pay her utilities even. Walking in the house in the morning in underwear that are barely enough to do the job because he obese as he'll. Having her need to complain 100 times before he stopped.

>>36109982
There's really not, at least not one consciously accessible to me. I just find it and especially the language customarily employed in such conversations extremely boring. Perhaps if a story about childhood embarrassment were phrased differently, it would hold my interest.

>>36110027

What do you blame your love of sophisticated words on?

What happens if you use very basic words to say something?

How do you talk to a 5-year-old child?

Hey, I just wanted to talk or something, not sure, sorry for just popping in with nothing in particular to talk about again
Side note: I justed weighed myself and I lost a pound somehow, and I was already a pound lighter than a month or so ago
Not sure what the reason is, I'm eating and I haven't been doing much to lose anything

>>36109939
I don't have a problem imagining myself as others. That's fairly easy. It just doesn't transform my behavior, or prod me into further considerations unless it involves me. Though my current interactions with people are very circumscribed, so who knows what would come of real life exposure to people and their issues?

>>36110056

Weigh yourself in the morning, after emptying yourself and before drinking or eathing anything; that's the only way to have some regular weighing.

Your weight will vary by several pounds in a single day.

Are you dieting?

>>36110040
I have a niece and I speak to her in exactly the same way I compose 4chan posts.

>>36110097

You do realise not everyone will understand the words you use, right? So why do you do it?

>>36110040
I blame deep, ineradicable insecurity. Nothing happens, I frequently say things in such a manner.

>>36110155
That actually is part of the appeal. I can conceal my meaning in a barrage of syllables to avoid facing the awful reality of having nothing of value to say.

>>36110157

My father tends to resort to words he barely understands, but knows that they're rare, especially when he's nervous or tries to add importance to his message.

Hyperlexicality (if that's even a word) is something that generally hides something else.

I confess I forgot what your past was like, with all the pasts I focused on in these threads. Can you remind me?

>>36110194

You don't have to do that, you have lots to say. If anything, the words you choose make your meaning less obvious. Go for clarity instead of big words, and use big words only when they're the obvious first choice. Don't say edifice if you can say house. All words have their righteous role, but take no usurper.

And don't worry, you are an interesting person with interesting thoughts. Words are just the fluff around it.

>>36110216
Are you implying I don't understand the meaning of my own words?

>>36110056
Eat more, check yourself for worms

>>36110194
Stop using big words and think of something to talk about

>>36110089
>Weigh yourself in the morning, after emptying yourself and before drinking or eathing anything; that's the only way to have some regular weighing.
That might be it
>Your weight will vary by several pounds in a single day.
I know but going down consistentlyworries me
>Are you dieting?
God no, if anything I'd prefer to gain weight. I was already underweight a month ago at 107, then 106 now 105 (48.5, 48.08, 47.6 in kilos)

I was more interested in getting back to the "crying spells" if you don't mind though

>>36110239

No, I think you know what your words mean and what you're trying to convey. You aren't like my father at all in this regard.

My father will just substitute one word for a more sophisticated one, but it's obvious.

>>36110304
How best to refresh your memory of my past? I had a schizophrenic mother. Is that insufficient?

>>36110303

How tall are you?

Do the crying spells continue? How frequently? When?

>>36110236
I will never take this advice unless I succumb to brain damage. I don't particularly care for clarity. Reverting to basic childhood level speech would make an already unpleasant life unbearable. I need my words.

>>36110340

I remember now. Mostly.

>>36110384

It's not about reverting to anything. Clarity is necessary for the most detailed and precise type of communication. The idea isn't to limit yourself, but to aim for the best word for any given situation.

So far, you're doing fine, though. It's not silly verbiage.

Plus I like words so I don't mind.

>>36110236
I appreciate the attempt to bolster my confidence, but it's hard to take to heart when I know you say it to everyone. After all, it's easy to find people interesting when you so effortlessly develop emotional ties to them.

>>36110359
I'm just gonna put stuff in metric for you
1.593 m, it's okay to laugh

They haven't continued, it was just the 2-3 times, not like a weekly occurrence, so it might happen again and I really don't want it to so I'd rather find out what's going on

>>36110412
It's a good thing nothing rests on whether or not my style of communication is opaque. What more would you like to know?

>>36110426

All people are interesting if you care, yes. That is true but that doesn't diminish anyone's interest. Not everyone interests me to the same degree for various reasons. You're one of the few that I remember by name and who I expect to see in the thread whenever I open one. (Hope, rather than expect.)

>>36110454

It's fine. I'm not laughing, just slightly reassured because your weight is extremely low, so that height deadens my concern.

Any hormonal oddities that may explain the spells?

>>36110477

What's your current issue? I remember the first time you posted in the thread was to ask about me, not share your own issues.

>>36110493
Yea for my height I'm just barely underweight, I actually usually lie and say I'm a little taller
If you're asking if I was on my period no, not for either. I don't know what else would cause a hormonal imbalance

>>36110502
Currently, my issue is stagnation. My (probable) OCD is currently under control owing to rigorous safety measures successfully adhered to.

>>36110581
Ah, two consecutive instances of the same word escaped my notice... so much for elegant variation...

>>36110581
>>36110598

It happens, don't worry. I remember you had some extreme OCD that made me sad. Someone disturbed your ritual and it messed you up for a whole evening. I forget what exactly.

>>36110581
I don't expect to find help for my situation here, nor am I actively seeking it. It's not for lack of information that it persists, but weakness of will.

>>36110625
>I don't expect to find help for my situation here, nor am I actively seeking it. It's not for lack of information that it persists, but weakness of will.

Weakness of will has a reason to be. I doubt will is the problem here.

You're not seeing a psychotherapist if I recall.

The only weakness in your will is the fear to take that first step (provided you have no other obstacles).

>>36110618
Ah, yes. Looking back on it, or really any such occurrences, I'm struck by the childishness of my outbursts. A part of me and my headphones were touched by my family member. I had to rinse them both. The rarity of it made it all the more upsetting.

>>36109158
What if I can relate to those anons, but I can't remember any time that my parents/caregivers abused me, and my parents love me, I think.

>>36110646
I am not. I could never afford it. Fear? It's more that I'm complacent. I am unbelievably lazy and unless there is a truly pressing reason to modify my daily routines, I am unlikely to do so. Every intention I have ever had to be more productive has met with eventual failure.

>>36110670
>I'm struck by the childishness of my outbursts

I'm going to ask you to make a conscious effort not to consider these outbursts as childish. We are far beyond caprice here. You aren't a childish person, you have mental scars from a difficult past and your OCD is one way this manifests.

Do you have other rituals?

>>36110709
>What if I can relate to those anons, but I can't remember any time that my parents/caregivers abused me

I would have said this a year ago too. Boy was I wrong.

>and my parents love me, I think.

Then they don't. When parents love you, you just know, you don't think. And sometimes, they love you for the wrong reasons.

I'd advise you to check the link on the various types of abuse, then narc parents.

Sorry for being pushy again, but I think you missed me
>>36110547

>>36110547

Describe your spells in as many details as possibe.

>>36110793

My bad.

>>36110730
Other rituals... that is the most time consuming of them. I've managed to shed certain ones, others have morphed into different forms. Sometimes I have to hit the wall 3 times if I hear a noise of bodily origin emitted from my family member. Viewing certain faces I dislike must be cancelled out by seeing 3 other neutral faces. I stopped browsing 4chan altogether for a while because of this. There's a bit more but that's enough for now. This is doubly aggravating if I'm attempting to become engaged in fiction. Before I can resume it, I must submit to the irresistible urge.

>>36110813
The first one was with my dad, I was in his bed crying and sort of begging him to love me as weird as that sounds. It's obvious what I was upset over, but I don't get why I got so worked up and suddenly lost all control of my emotions
The more recent one I just felt weird, like something is wrong with me. It felt like everything I had to do that most people see as normal, easy, and fun are torture for me, and I don't feel the right way about certain things
I feel like there was one between that that was just reasonless crying

>>36110749
I've got GAD and MDD. (And a slew of other issues) But the main thing about my anxiety is that it makes me paranoid (and vice versa)
My parents pushed me to be successful, and always wanted what they believed to be the best for me. And I, as a person, am not assertive at all. I'm extremely "go with the flow." When I'm around other people I have a need to make them happy, because otherwise I think they won't like me.

>>36110881
Oh, a similar numerical ritual for odors which likely intermingle with human particles where I violently expell air from my nose in excess of 10 times. I haven't had to due that in quite a while thanks to my revised schedule and scrupulous avoidance of possible inhalation. This one especially seems very silly to say.

>>36110946
>It felt like everything I had to do that most people see as normal, easy, and fun are torture for me, and I don't feel the right way about certain things

Elaborate on this.

>>36110952

>Richard Grannon
>people-pleaser
>YouTube

Go.

>>36110953

That's any human particles or farts specifically?

Which reminds me. Question for everyone, I want to know if my reaction is normal or weird.

I was in the waiting room for my therapist, when another person, a psychiatrist, middle aged man, came out of his office and went to the restroom, which has a door right out of the waiting room, it's like a hub.

So, I could hear him undo his pants, so I knew, if anything was going to happen, I was going to hear it.

I heard him fart and making shitting noises. I was grossed the fuck out and this man will forever be the poopman to me. If I ever see him again, I will think of shit flowing down some sphincter.

Is this normal?

QUESTION FOR ALL

Does anyone know anyone with a mental disorder who also has abnormally long legs?

>>36111035
It could even be the smell of toothpaste or shampoo. In my mind, the suspension of particles is likely to contain some which previously inhabited the body, so the otherwise benign aroma acts as signifier of illicit ingestion.

>>36111035
It sounds normal to me.

>>36111124

I keep wondering how this guy didn't seem to mind. I couldn't have done anything had I been him.

>>36110980
Being social, making friends, basic conversation, it all feels like a test or interrogation of some kind and I have to think about all the things I could say and what they want to hear, while some people just open their mouths and stay the first thing they can think of and thrive socially. All that processing for me is stressful
I went to one party in highschool, I got dragged there and there was also the whole "feign a social life for my parents" thing at the time. I hated it, I absolutely hated it, all the lights the sounds the people jumping, all that felt like a sensory overload first of all. Second, I didn't get any of it, I got all panicky because I didn't know what to do or why to do anything and I went to the bathroom and stayed there for a while, if anyone asked I was on my period and felt sick
The weirdest part was the next day, everyone's talking like they had the time of their lives (it was a small school, maybe 65 in the graduating class) while it was like a nightmare for me

>>36111140

Sounds like CPTSD to me or autism. I can only go by your words but you do sound very "contained". Beyond shy, I think.

Do you think it's because of your past or because your brain is that way from birth? If you had to guess.

>>36111189
That's a bit of a pill to swallow
The cptsd says something about caregivers, I won't attribute it to that, my childhood wasn't traumatizing
But I don't know about autism, I've never felt particularly disabled, maybe a little slow on social cues
I did good in school and got good grades, we had special ed classes and teachers but I was never placed in them, people tended to like me for whatever reason so must be doing something right, I can tell what people want to hear at the least

>>36111311
>But I don't know about autism, I've never felt particularly disabled, maybe a little slow on social cues

Not the disabled kind, the Aspie sort, high-functionality autism.

What were your relations with other girls?

>>36111377
>Not the disabled kind, the Aspie sort, high-functionality autism.
This might sound bad, but the only autistic kids we had were your run of the mills: would I look it?
>What were your relations with other girls?
I've always got along better with guys, that's not to say I don't know how to act around girl, but I've always shared more interests with them, and they're just easier to be around, I don't have to bite my tongue as much which is a weight off my back

>>36111584
>This might sound bad, but the only autistic kids we had were your run of the mills: would I look it?

No.

Is your face often neutral?

>>36111660
Yea but it's called neutral for a reason, I'm not always smiling like a weirdo
If you're asking about showing emotion, people do say I seem bored or unexcited often and think I'm being rude
Not to say I don't smile or anything, sometimes people say stuff like "can you at least pretend to be having fun?"

>>36111839

What do you think of romantic movies?

I do wish I could get hold of some decent drugs. LSD, MDMA, DMT. That kind of thing. In fact, it would be fun to trip with the various people in here I should think. It would be a wild ride, if nothing else.

>>36111957
I crave another psychedelic experience

>>36111876
Come on that can't mean anything, they're cheesy shit for the most part, most of the time I think "he met you once, you're not that special". They're mostly stupid and unrealistic to a fault, nothing romantic about them, and they seem like shitty date movies
I'm also one for sad or bittersweet endings, my 2 favorite movies are Sicario and District 9 and neither of those have particularly happy

File: uTitx9WLkULvy.gif (817KB, 500x215px) Image search: [Google]

817KB, 500x215px

>>36111957

You mean it'd be a cool show in which you're the star. I wouldn't condone that. I think you're the last person on earth who needs altered states of consciousness due to drugs.

>mfw you don't even need drugs
>mfw when you're a good cook
>mfw you read Thomas Harris' novels as a child

>>36112024
You too? I've only had the one, but it honestly changed my perspective for the better. That was acid. How about yourself?

>>36112034
>Come on that can't mean anything, they're cheesy shit for the most part, most of the time I think "he met you once, you're not that special".

It sure can mean things. Aspies typically don't like movies or stories that hinge on what other people feel. They find that immensely boring and they don't see the point at all.

What type of movies do you prefer? You mentioned two, keep naming some.

>>36112040
Many, often legal like DXM and LSA from morning glory seeds but also mushrooms, 25i and another blotter containing 2cb i think? Could be wrong. Had just taken what was supposed to be MDMA one of the last times we talked but it was underwhelming to the point of causing me to suspect I was ripped off. DMT is at the top of my bucket list along with real Lucy.

>>36112038
No need to be a party pooper. I wrote my entire trip down (though I seem to have lost it now) and it was a solid experience. I did believe I was God for a while there though, so take that as you will. I also fucked with someone's head and then brought them back from the edge all while we were both under the influence. So there you go, great self-control, quality intospection and a sense of cosmic perspective. Everyone should do it once at least.

>>36112114
Have to agree on DMT. I can only imagine how powerful it would be. Mushrooms didn't do much for me unfortunately. I used to live in a place where they grow wild every year so they're very easy to procure provided they're in season and you have the patience.

Sorry to hear you were ripped off. I did it a few times, and it was an impossible happiness that came from depleting the chemical stores in the brain, and the inevitable crash afterward.

>>36112040
As for perspective alterations, I had what I regarded as an enlightenment experience on 25i. The ensuing changes in my outlook and attitude are difficult to assess as either positive or negative. It's been so long I feel I need an update.

>>36112182
You're not UK by any chance? Perhaps we could work something out.

>>36112078
Fuck I'm not helping my "not retarded" claim here, I don't really like emotional movies, they do seem to drag on a bit for me, I like Silver Linings Playbook though, admittedly football was kind of a hook for me at first but I liked jt
I liked Nightcrawler, I watched John Wick and the sequel with that guy, I loved Godzilla growing up (my mom would buy me old movies and toys because I was practically obsessed with it) even the really shitty ones. Tv I like Archer, Black Mirror, Always Sunny
I guess on stuff I don't like, I didn't get the hype around the Matrix or Spotlight

File: tumblr_mc41nfesiK1qcgzsvo2_r2_250.gif (994KB, 245x160px) Image search: [Google]

994KB, 245x160px

>>36112154
>I did believe I was God for a while there though, so take that as you will

I don't think you need to trip for that one.

>I also fucked with someone's head and then brought them back from the edge all while we were both under the influence.

I would have been surprised if this trip had been just nice and interesting without any hint of abusing someone somehow through the course of it. You devil.

With a mind like my own, I am positively terrorised just thinking about the sort of trips I'd experience.

>>36112216
Haha, sadly no.

File: 5574901548_791764001e.jpg (35KB, 391x462px) Image search: [Google]

35KB, 391x462px

>>36112216
Careful...


reguheuighguiwruzfewfiuwefiwfw

>>36112228
>Fuck I'm not helping my "not retarded" claim here,

Don't worry, I know you're not retarded. The type of autism you may have - and keep in mind I am not qualified to say so - doesn't make you retarded; it usually does the opposite.

What did you like about Nightcrawler?

File: pepe crestfallen.png (361KB, 500x438px) Image search: [Google]

361KB, 500x438px

>>36112278
Settle down, we've already established that I'm a nice bloke whom people should do powerful entheogens with at this point. Besides, as I said I pulled them back so it was fine. I had to at least try, though; see if people were as possible to influence as expected. You might be surprised actually. I went in expecting Silent Hill. A literal hellscape where I could battle my demons. Instead, it mostly just called attention to the fact that our problems aren't so great as we imagine, in the scheme of things and that it's a good idea to take a breath now and again - we'll all be hollow before you know it.

>>36112236
That's a shame. Still, I hope you get a hook up at some point.

>>36112341
Unrelated, except to the hellscape bit, but the possibility of exotic compounds as potent as LSD with a psychoactive profile entirely devoid of pleasurable aspects and capable of inducing hell trips which seem eternal are the one argument against full libertarian legalization that make me scratch my head. I've had first hand experience with such a chemical that matches at least the latter description.

File: invisible pane.jpg (165KB, 1600x1200px) Image search: [Google]

165KB, 1600x1200px

>>36112341
>Settle down, we've already established that I'm a nice bloke

I don't know who established that, but it wasn't me. Keep in mind you're dealing with a recovering "gentle-seer", who failed to see demons for what they were. Anyone's a suspect now.

You won't mind that I'll keep the pane between us.

>>36112444
Oh, really? Did you do anything special to provoke that reaction? Were you able to rein it in? I imagine that could certainly have been profound, albeit terrifying, in its way.

>>36112464
I established it because I knew you'd be dragging your heels. Keep up!

>>36112300
The character was really interesting, and I liked the ending

>>36112536
I suppose recklessly overdosing could be considered provoking it. I can't be absolutely certain of the exact chemical, but it was very likely a synthetic cannabinoid called AM2201. Profound is one way of putting it. The anxiety I had even years later was pretty profound. It is not whatever you are imaging. It's quite literally unimaginable. A complete dehumanization, a stint in some eldritch monstrosity's infinite torture chamber. It is still unnerving to believe such experiences can exist. This is one of the main reasons for my obsession with the philosophy of negative utilitarianism. I want to stamp out the possibility of ever again enduring that nightmare.

>>36112675
Stupid though it surely is, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'd have to. It sounds horrible and all, but I'd still do it.

>>36112675
*imagining
To even relate the trip in detail was for a long time something I was hesitant to do... I thought perhaps it ought not to be known that pain of that magnitude could be produced in a sentient creature.

>>36112727
I would not recommend it. You really have no idea. That said, I attempted to recreate it with weaker substances myself, in an effort to conquer what had taken hold of me.

File: download.jpg (7KB, 259x194px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 259x194px

>>36112536
>I established it because I knew you'd be dragging your heels. Keep up!

The only thing I'll keep up is my guard.

>>36112627

Tell me about the character. Use spoiler so others don't get spoilt.

>>36112727
The way I put it perhaps gives it a mystique it does not in fact possess from inside. I myself am too far away from the experience to really comprehend it. It was as though I became the platonic form or embodiment of suffering. I had no conception of anything beyond the pain and that I had been and would be enduring it for all eternity.

>>36112805
Oh, I'm sure. But for context I've thought about shooting myself in the past just to see what it felt like.

>>36112834
Oh, to brush past you in a crowd, give you a wink and disappear. Ah well.

>>36112805
Maybe I shouldn't have told you what the drug was... I hereby disclaim all liability for any infinite internment in Nyarlathotep's world of unyielding torment resulting from consumption of any substance, Lovecraftian or terrestrial.

>>36108068
What does one do when physical pain enters the equation and you are hurting a lot during waking hours more often and its messing with things? I'm in such a bad mood laying in pain 6 hours, now my dad is being a cuck rushing to clean because his supposed fiance who is gonna call it off wants to drop in. Had to clean and can't sit in the not bath. I don't know what to do with this pain.

File: 1475456204140.jpg (110KB, 633x758px) Image search: [Google]

110KB, 633x758px

>>36108068
I frequently have thoughts of suicide (though I doubt I'll ever go through with it unless things somehow get even worse then they are right now), because I'm a lazy retard who gets shit grades, and I've made no friends in college and spend all my free time in my dorm.

My friend from highschool said this is depression and I should get help. Is this true?

>>36112906
I believe the colloquialism for someone like you in your country is a "right nutta", correct?

>>36112978
Not the op but do you not have access to pain medication or anything? What exactly is causing the pain.

File: back off.png (1MB, 1284x856px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1284x856px

>>36112906
>I've thought about shooting myself in the past just to see what it felt like.

That's some level of curiosity I don't relate to.

>Oh, to brush past you in a crowd, give you a wink and disappear. Ah well.

Pic related.

>>36112968

I read all of Lovecraft's short stories and novellas back in the early 2000's. Good stuff.

>>36112978

You need something to alleviate the pain, and I'm not expert on meds.

>>36113030
Idk apparently the spinal damage is my bad enough to warrant it. I get this weird inflammation. I now eat clean and am in decent shape and careful but it still happens. No pain meds. Doctor is hesitant to give me ones that work. It's up there on the pain scale. Going to but cbd and kratom.

File: bloodborne oil up.jpg (11KB, 395x324px) Image search: [Google]

11KB, 395x324px

>>36112968
Relax, I lack the means or skill to procure it anyway. I'm sure you can appreciate the appeal of something like that though, however horrendous. It's hard to imagine something wouldn't be gleaned from the experience. If nothing else I doubt I could get much worse.

>>36113008
Haha, yes I think that's pretty accurate. Still, I do think I'm a pretty decent guy most of the time.

>>36113041
It would be a really extreme sensation. Hard to imagine. High levels of stimulation are inherently desireable - even negative ones - if I'm in the right mood.

>>36112993
>My friend from highschool said this is depression and I should get help. Is this true?

Yes, don't do what I did: assume it's fine until it's so fucking not fine that you have to kill yourself or get hospitalised. You are not enjoying life as you should.

See a therapist if you can.

Describe your parents.

>>36113058
Yeah I do and its messing my life up. The pain is like 10+% of my waking life and quite bad, so sitting it out is not an option. Problem is in young and its hard to explain from the mris, so getting sufficiently strong stuff is hard. I'm basically on my own with it. I do sometimes wonder if it's going to take me out. I can't do anything good it pain its not an option, but I'm in good shape amd it shouldn't be like this. Worried I'm going to end up on high doses of pain meds and not able to get thr work I want as a result.

>>36113180

You sure there isn't something the docs missed? Is it normal for you to feel so much pain? What did they say?

Did you get a second opinion?

>>36112844
I don't want to sound edgy or anything
It's a twist to see a main character who's a completely selfish asshole to the extent of letting others die, just a nice twist compared to the usual nice, selfless, loveable character, he's just impossible to to root for but you sit there for hours and watch everything go his way

>>36113264

He probably has a personality disorder like antisocial or something

>>36113065
I do understand the curiosity for something like this. It's like the inverse of DMT (though some have rough trips on it as well). I can imagine it potentially bringing about religiosity in those who are susceptible to it. It easily fits the most diabolical Christian fantasies about Hell. I could also envision it producing total selfishness in an attempt to avoid any suffering. For a while, even mild pain would remind me of the ordeal. I found it difficult to be sober without being very anxious. It has definitely permanently changed the way I look at the universe.

>>36113302

Accidentally sent my post before I was done.

Let me think of another question.

Do you enjoy reading fiction?

>>36113227
It's hard to tell, it's usually pretty normal but when it starts hurting it swells. I can feel it. I would need an MRI of it when it's going put. Which is hard to get. It seems to go out around eating carbs or sugar too, which I now don't do very much of. I don't understand it, just started happening, I got in better shape, it got worse, I guess God just hates me.

>>36113302
You should watch it, it's really good
Actually up until now it seemed like you already did
I'm not the best at describing people so I couldn't articulate my exact thoughts about him

>>36113349

I saw it, yes. It reminded me of Drive, but in reverse.

>>36113308
Well, in all I'm sure DMT would be far more desirable.

File: apprehension.jpg (36KB, 650x366px) Image search: [Google]

36KB, 650x366px

Facetman, how many messed up people do you know? And where do you meet them?

I want more knowledge from the dark side.

>>36113399
Never actually saw drive
>Drive in reverse
I had a giggle
>>36113315
I'm not much one for reading in all honesty, I hate the fact that I can, see the words at the bottom of the page and sort of spoiler things with my peripheral vision, I also find saying "all of a sudden" and explaining things is much less sudden and suspenseful then showing us what happened "all of a sudden", call me stupid or uncultured or whatever
I'm gonna go for a bit, not sure when I'll be back so I'll say goodbye now in case

>>36113417
If I ever get to try it, I certainly hope it will be.

>>36113467
It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that nearly everyone I know is messed up in some way. Family, friends, lovers. It's as though wherever I go, they're the only people I see. Like attracts like, more or less.

>>36113505
>I had a giggle

I hadn't actually thought of that... An unconscious joke.

Drive is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time.

>>36113505
>I also find saying "all of a sudden" and explaining things is much less sudden and suspenseful then showing us what happened "all of a sudden", call me stupid or uncultured or whatever

It's not stupid, some authors never use the phrase for that exact reason. There are many writing styles with various effects. "All of a sudden" is probably not recommended in creative classes much. You're not stupid at all.

I expected you not to enjoy reading much, fiction, in particular.

File: buffalo-bill-tumblr.jpg (24KB, 445x295px) Image search: [Google]

24KB, 445x295px

>>36113526
>It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that nearly everyone I know is messed up in some way.

Certainly. Healthy ones probably don't stick around.

Anyone that reminds you of Buffalo Bill?

>>36113566
Sorry forgot to answer the actual question
I like prefer non fiction, but if I'm going to read fiction I at least want it to be realistic, not sci fi or fantasy
Okay, actual goodbye now

>>36113620

Figures. See you soon!

>>36113596
If we're talking about X, then yes. The one who 'made' me a sadist. If you mean your pic related, I wouldn't say so. I knew one fellow who was a little creepy to others, but ultimately harmless and nice enough. He had some odd mannerisms though. Typical science student quirks.

>>36113726

My X, no pun. I don't believe in Hollywood serial killers, and I don't because I've read too much about real ones to be able to enjoy movie killers anymore.

I'd like to hear what you think they have in common.

>>36113766
From what I gather of yours, she was alluring, at times kind, you wanted to help her, she made unreasonable demands, humiliated you, acted callous and cruel often without clear reason or meaning, and toyed with your emotions. I bet she was desirable and was sure to let you know it too.

>>36113862

She had been kind for a long time, long before we became friends.

She didn't make any demands, however. Her reason to "defend" herself made sense to her, as justice, reciprocity, etc. It was never obvious manipulation, which is why I'm still unsure today.

As to being desirable, that's arguable.

More in private, for reasons I'll explain in private.

>>36113078
Do universities have their own therapists?

Uh I'll try to describe them. Ask any questions you have about them after.

My dad has a very high ranking position at one of the largest corporations in the US He's pretty outgoing. Back when he was my age I'm pretty sure he was a frat chad (he actually met my mom at a frat party). He was kind of poor growing up, but not as poor as he makes it sound like. He's originally from the south though he's lost his accent, but is a pretty religious guy. He's the stricter parent, though he either conciously or unconciously hides it by trying to act like a goof. He seems very fake and hypocritical to me. He always spends weekend nights getting drunk. He also believes me and my brothers are spoiled which may or may not be true. I got into a really big fight with him last year and refused to speak to him for months, but we got over that. He's also very stuborn, and its hard to make him angry but when he's mad he is really mad, which I think I inherited both features from him. Also I have to lie to him about my grades because he said if I got below a B I have to pay for them, and I got all D's and one C last semester, and I lie to him that I have tons of friends and love university.

cont 1/?

>>36113947
cont 1/2

My mom is a house wife. She worked in marketing until she had me (I'm the oldest of 3 brothers). She grew up in a middle class family in the northeast. Since my dad isn't around all the time and she's around all the time, me and my brothers are obviously a bit closer to her. She's a bit harder to read. She's a very smart and nice person, though she talks a lot. Also she sometimes acts kind of manipulative. She converted to catholicism because my dad and me and my brothers are all catholic but from the few times I've talked about religion with her its unclear whether she believes in it. I used to be a lot meaner to her when I was in middle school though I am very friendly with her now. She knows about the grades and for now isn't telling my dad because she knows the consequences and is trying to get it through my thick skull that I have to do well. Though I still lie to her and say I have tons of friends and love university.

The thing that bothers me the most between them is my dad now clearly has dominance in the relationship. My dad very clearly waves around the fact that he's the one making money so we have to do whatever he says. He even makes fun of her for being a stay at home mom and says she should get a job which really pisses me off since I'm a very big traditionalist so shaming a woman for doing the traditional female role seems retarded to me. Also she is the one cleaning our house and cooking meals its not like we have a maid doing it. Anyway he can sometimes be a dick to her, but I want to make it clear that I have seen no evidence of any physical abuse, and don't think he would do that.

>>36113917
Alright. I'll respond to that as it comes.

It seems she's less of a seductress than I'd imagined. The girl I'm talking about liked to recruit lost souls and broken people and offer a maternal role along with the caveat
>Just don't fall in love with me
Which if course, made it inevitable.

>>36113966
*cont 2/2

>>36113064
Maybe try and find a new doctor that will give you pain medicine through the internet?

Not a medical expert in anyway but hope you feel better.

>>36113947
>Do universities have their own therapists?

They should.

>>36113966

Both of your parents are a bit off, especially your father. You seem to have an excellent eye for all that is wrong, however, which is good news.

Read the narc parents link and report back.

>>36113977

She seemed not to understand basic things in love, like jealousy, or that merely speaking to a guy would be taken as some sort of interest on her part.

>>36114063
My mom said he was nothing like this when he was younger. Can being a narcissist develop over time?

>>36114082
If you don't believe that a woman should be allowed to speak to other men for fear that it would imply interest, that's a pretty big red flag on you.

>>36114145
>Can being a narcissist develop over time?

No, but narcs can hide it for a while. See covert narcissism.

>>36114159
>If you don't believe that a woman should be allowed to speak to other men for fear that it would imply interest, that's a pretty big red flag on you.

I never said anything about women being allowed or not to speak to men. What I said was that will not go out of their way to speak to you without some sort of interest. If a woman asks a man for coffee, for instance, and she says yes, it means, at the very least, that she isn't too bothered.

What is the quickest way to die without hanging or a gun?
I have tried hanging at least 6 times in the past 12 hours or so and all its seeming to do is mess my neck and back up.
Just a general giving up on life sort of thing. Don't want to travel, don't want to talk to anyone anymore, don't want to finish my education. I just want this to end.
Thank you cunts for finally pushing me to this point.

>>36114205
Indifference/ politeness is not the same as interest.

>>36114223

Anon, immediately go to the ER and explain that you've tried killing yourself and you're at the end of your tether.

Think of your current state as being drunk. You're drunk with despair right now, but it won't stay like this forever. Trust this.

Don't kill yourself over soul drunkenness. It's a state, it will pass. You can be helped, you just need time.

Can you get yoursef to the ER?

>>36114288
>Indifference/ politeness is not the same as interest.

Indeed.

I advised her not to stay "friends" with a man who openly asked her if they could have sex. She didn't seem to think that was wrong enough to call it quits, even though she had no interest in him. The guy was obviously into her for sex and little else. Then again, that's her version.

socially awkward. i always ended up fucking it up.I try to act normal or cool but it doesnt matter and acting "natural" gives me shitty results as well.
i want to socialize but i never fit. i still hang out with my high school friends because i cant be with new people.

>>36114351

What scares you about people?

Two things, mostly for Facet but anyone else can chime in.

1. My therapist used to have a list, so pronounced that I failed to understand her sometimes. Now I either stopped noticing or she doesn't do it anymore. Do lispy folks lisp less when they're more relaxed?

2. A friend of mine feels different around me, to the point where he feels like he may faint (no homo); he thinks that it's because he can relax around me, which makes him drop all his guards or something. Not sure if that makes sense.

Input on this stuff?

>>36114329
There's any number of bitter threads about women keeping orbiters around; if a man is willing to put his cards on the table, be knocked back and remain 'friends' then the dynamic is one of negotiation. The woman may well have no intention of ever sleeping with him, but he will provide things for her, even if it's only admiration and lust. If you'd rather not trust the bitter virgins on this, if nothing else I'd do the same so whether it's women or people with personality disorders it's definitely a dynamic that exists, albeit an unhealthy one.

>>36114467
With regard to lisps, I have no knowledge. I know someone who stutters only when accessing memories though, which I find interesting.

That's very interesting. You'd have to understand more about him and his background to get to the bottom of this light-headedness but it's certainly curious. I'd be worried for him though. That's not well-adjusted behaviour.

File: aXm278xjU.jpg (96KB, 650x650px) Image search: [Google]

96KB, 650x650px

Facet, just how much of a sadist are you?

>>36114298
Yeah, no... Been down that road so many times recently that it is not even funny...
It dosent help. It really dosent. It just makes everybody hate me that much more and give me so much more greif when I am out in public.
I just want it to end. I want these people to leave me alone. I want these games to end, no, need these games to end.
But no. I even try to get a job and they fuck with me even more. Try to forget that everything and everybody is a fucking lie and pull myself out, but no...
I am literally so done with everything.

Hmm... silence... I wonder what is happening...

>>36114613
That's a difficult question to answer. I don't feel very sadistic at all, though I do enjoy seeing people do as I want them to. Most especially through manipulation. Seeing someone in despair and crying on my shoulder, for example - making themselves vulnerable in that way - very often arouses me.

I find light bondage and impact play a passing distraction, but tiresome.

When I shift out though, it becomes an end unto itself. At that point, the greatest pleasure is the suffering that is inflicted that pushes the other person to their limit. There might be something almost spiritual to it at times, but generally it's just quite intoxicating.

I should point out as well that I can feel very disturbed by the suffering of others, and desire to alleviate it. However, especially if I've shifted, I don't feel the same way. I don't really know how far I could take it. I've fantasized about various violent and sometimes brutal things but I haven't done very much that would be considered a crime (and bear in mind, in the UK our laws on that are really stupid now).

Still, I suppose that I like to see someone really pushed - stretched - in terms of what they can handle. I enjoy extremes of sensation as well, so it feels part of the same spectrum. I've never had the chance to really push things. People just haven't been able to keep going. My favourites have been to do with electricity, some blood play, hitting, a bit of roughness. Really all pretty vanilla.

Bump


Origamildjtfxzjbdrj

bump

back

>>36114548
>That's very interesting. You'd have to understand more about him and his background to get to the bottom of this light-headedness but it's certainly curious. I'd be worried for him though. That's not well-adjusted behaviour.

I made him discover that his father was a grandiose narc and his wife had severe BPD traits. He resents me for it on some level. He himself has some fleas whereby he enjoys saying hurtful things to people, which is weird because he's a very, very nice person. He's a literal noble, too.

>>36114694

Start from the beginning and call yourself Suicide Boy.

Tell me all.

File: LClq59sV9wseY.gif (787KB, 245x271px) Image search: [Google]

787KB, 245x271px

>>36115095
>Most especially through manipulation. Seeing someone in despair and crying on my shoulder, for example - making themselves vulnerable in that way - very often arouses me.

me again: how do i learn to say NO?
i feel like im too agreeable.
just today i say yes to a massage just because i couldnt insist enough that i didnt want it. i hate massages

File: wNQamtbGHLuX6.gif (2MB, 500x265px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 500x265px

>>36115095
>My favourites have been to do with electricity, some blood play, hitting, a bit of roughness. Really all pretty vanilla.

>pretty vanilla
>in Facet's mind

>>36116290

YouTube
Richard Grannon
people-pleaser

He has other videos for you.

File: ejercicio2('10).jpg (792KB, 774x900px) Image search: [Google]

792KB, 774x900px

>>36116327
thanks mate. watching it right now

>>36116388

Chances are Richard will sound familiar to you, like a distant brother.

My loved one often asked, "How do you know when someone loves you?" because she was worried about whether I loved her or not. I did, I always will.

But I've come to wonder, "How do you know when you love someone?"

Whenever I explain my complicated feelings to someone, I'm told "It's human," but I don't think it's that simple. I have shifting feelings. Nothing better than losing someone to suddenly feel everything for that person. And having that person love me to death does the opposite; it's fucking shit, I hate myself.

Hi Nick, my problem at hand is that I very thoroughly resent myself, think I'm an incompetent assclown (which really shows at my current internship) and see myself as an utter failure of a human being. At this point my complete and utter negativity defines me as a person. It's not that I have no self confidence, it's just that instead of being confident in my abilities, I'm extremely confident that I am one of the most retarded, incompetent, repulsive, dislikable, and weak/spineless people put there.

This leads to me feeling like human garbage, my work/internship (where I am forced to interact with people) going VERY wrong, and having an overwhelming sense of despair day after day.

I've had psychologists who fail to sway my opinion since they cannot back up their claims while I can (and then proceed to call me holding onto my beliefs autistic), I've tried medication (which only proved to fuck with my body) and keep coming to the same conclusion everytime. Which is that there is no solution and that things will forever stay this way.

The worst part is that at the end of the day, being a worthless person is entirely my own fault.

What do you think?

>>36116583
I think you've already understood. You aren't static and neither is your love. That doesn't make it unreal. Ask yourself what you would do to prolong your time with this person, what tradeoffs you would be willing to make to keep her in sight, how many other lives she would be worth to you.

>>36116707
Forgot to put in name, so here you go.

>>36115095
I found this fascinating but I have to save my long response for later. I don't have the energy for it now.

>>36116707

I would be surprised if this was really your fault, for one.

Secondly, you sound intelligent, you are articulate, you seem to have quite a personality. From that post alone, I would imagine you being good company for a drink. I know I won't convince you right away, but I know I won't mind trying, and it's worth it.

That's my first impression. You forgot to use a name, too.

In quick response to your email, you will recover. Things are not so bad as they seem: the evidence of that is your persistence and insight in these threads.

As to this woman and her MO with a low sex-drive partner, the lack of jealousy etc I can definitely relate to that. However, I normally have other arrangements as well, and it seems that she did the same in your case. I hope that's vague enough so as not to be intrusive.

>>36116583
I think shifting feelings must be normal. However, as she had none I don't really have an answer as to exactly what love is, or whether I have or am able to feel it.

>>36116314
I don't know, it seems tame to me anyway. No scat, no disfigurement yet. No piercing. Only a bit of burning. Couldn't talk anyone into branding.

>>36116258
I bet he felt absolutely aces when he persuaded that lewd man to anhero. I'm not sure I could do it but it would be pretty spectacular.

>>36116213
People are complex. They're never just 'nice' or 'bad'. It depends which way the wind is blowing.

>>36116841
No problem. In this response I'm just finishing up there might be more of interest to you as well.

File: mfw.jpg (700KB, 1920x1080px) Image search: [Google]

700KB, 1920x1080px

>>36116776

This just made me cry.

File: sitios y campañas 2.jpg (832KB, 698x900px) Image search: [Google]

832KB, 698x900px

>>36116411
1. i think i do have emotophobia but i had no childhood trauma im aware of that caused it since there were no negative consequences in not pleasing people
2. i dont see myself as naive
3. desire to be liked. most definitely. except i did get a lot of afection and approval as a child
5. inhability to say no. no doubt. and definitely related to a low self worth
6. excessive conscientiousness. im very self conscious even when not around people (tho that last part might be because of schizophrenia since i almost always feel watched)
etc etc etc

my doc says that my lack of selfsteem molded my schizophrenia weirdly in a way where i have savior complex DESPITE sensing myself as the lowest of the lowest (because of my sexual desires, my shortcomings, my low intelligence, my lack of talent etc.) i feel like the sleeping god has chosen me despite myself

>>36116883
>In quick response to your email, you will recover. Things are not so bad as they seem: the evidence of that is your persistence and insight in these threads.

I think that the worse I do on these things, the more present I am in these threads.

> However, as she had none

My loved one isn't X, by the way. They both had feelings. My loved one still loves me, but cannot speak to me much anymore because it hurts her to do so. So I just send her gifs and cry in silence.

>I don't know, it seems tame to me anyway. No scat, no disfigurement yet. No piercing. Only a bit of burning. Couldn't talk anyone into branding.

I used to know someone who'd be up your alley, if you like them fat and southern.

>>36116926
>schizophrenia since i almost always feel watched)

Wait, you don't think you're a schizo simply because you feel watched, right?

>my doc says that my lack of selfsteem molded my schizophrenia weirdly in a way where i have savior complex DESPITE sensing myself as the lowest of the lowest

How is this weird to your doc? You have savior complex precisely when you have no self-esteem, because you value yourself on acts alone, not who you are, and thus, you need to DO things to feel worth a damn, and thus, savior complex, because saving others is what will give you the most value.

If your doc is a psychiatrist, you might need a better one. And I still don't see anything related to schizophrenia here.

And you have no low intelligence, friend. What of your sexual desires?

>>36116984
Are you suggesting a literal cow? Because that wouldn't really be the same.

Ah, I see. I'll have to try and remember which is which then. That does sound very difficult, in any case. You've suffered a fair bit of heart ache.

File: sombras.png (1MB, 950x712px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 950x712px

>>36117047
>Wait, you don't think you're a schizo simply because you feel watched, right?
no, im diagnosed. had a psychotic break (cut myself because i thought i had a surveillance parasite, had voices, thought they were communicating with me through dogs brains, thought i was (and still do from time to time) in a dream etc)
>>36117047
>How is this weird to your doc?
maybe i didnt explained myself well (english is not my first language). schizophrenics usually have a high sense of themselves, i dont

>>36117047
>And you have no low intelligence
i wish i could believe that, i feel dumb around almost everyone

>>36117047
>What of your sexual desires?
slightly deviant sexual desires, peeing on my partner and abusing them in various ways though ive never indulged on those desires since i hold myself to a higher standard

>>36117110

She isn't a literal cow, but almost. She's the first person I lost my mind over, and looking back on it, I just know I'm mentally ill for allowing this to have happened.

I literally felt a sort of mental collapse and it broke me for months. I had a very physical reaction, then felt drugged down for endless months.

The situation I've been in since November is something you'd not dare all put in a film at once: it's too fucking much. Any one of the problematics I had to face would have been enough to end me, and they all did, in their own way. I'm a ghost of myself in the play of my previous life.

>>36117200
You're not a ghost. You're a survivor.

>>36117198
>i wish i could believe that, i feel dumb around almost everyone

Dumb people don't feel dumb around people. Dumb people most often feel pretty smart. Intelligent people, however, often feel dumb. They do more introspection and find more reasons to feel inferior, even when they're not. People who don't question themselves appear more confident, but it's an illusion.

Are you the artist anon?

>>36117240
>You're not a ghost. You're a survivor.

I don't know what to survive for.

I managed to clean some of the kitchen today. And the dishes. I cannot care about housework, even though I always loved a clean place. Everything is secondary to me now. I feel like I'm dying in 3 weeks.

File: sitios y campañas 3.jpg (843KB, 688x950px) Image search: [Google]

843KB, 688x950px

>>36117336
yes im the "artist" anon, tho i prefer to think of myself as just a painter rather than an artist.

my IQ is pretty average tho i still suck at most tasks. my memory is a mess as is my sense of orientation, and more often that not im less mentally agile than those around me. i guess that's what makes me feel dumb. doc says most of my intellectual shortcomings are symptoms of schizophrenia as well due to a disorganized thought process so who knows

>>36117389
Why would you be dying in three weeks? More than likely, three weeks will pass and you'll wish you were dead, but you'll still be there. At that point you'll have to eventually find meaning. Don't worry, most people have none. The fact that you're putting one foot in front of the other is impressive, considering your state of mind. The fact that you're actively devoting time to helping others despite ailing yourself is admirable.

>>36117430

"Common name" should be the artist, or painter, or something. Your art is genius level to me. I don't care what anyone says, your stuff is serious.

Keep them coming.

>>36117442
>Why would you be dying in three weeks?

I think anxiety triggers the impression that death is nearby, I've had variations of that since August. Additionally, being left by X was a fate worse than death. Losing my loved one is equally bad and worse on other levels, and both happened. The only thing that could have been worse at the time was discovering my whole life was a lie and my parents were demons and I was myself an abuse victim and had never understood why life was so fucking hard, and that happened too. Sometimes it feels like God fucking hates you and dumps all that on you and even kills your computers. (We lost both our computers within 2 weeks, whereas I had had mine since 2010 and hers for years.)

>three weeks will pass and you'll wish you were dead, but you'll still be there.

Likely. I hate how fleeting feelings can be; working out actually does change things for me. How fucking stupid is that. I swear a lot tonight, don't I?

> The fact that you're putting one foot in front of the other is impressive, considering your state of mind. The fact that you're actively devoting time to helping others despite ailing yourself is admirable.

I appreciate your kind words. However, helping others does so much for me that I can't actually feel like a good person for it.

>>36116851
I do think it is my fault. my bad social skills can be attributed on my self imposed social isolation, my depressed thoughts are my own fault for never getting out of my room and continuing to trudge on even though I see practically everything going on and not taking the needed steps to fix it. For every effect there is a cause, and when I look at what got me to the despair of today I only see myself to blame (I've been handed a lot of shit in life and there is nothing good I can attribute to my own hard work / merit).

I don't see how you could possibly deduct what sort of personality I have from the above post. All you could possibly see is that I have a strong sense of despair and self loathing. I can also assure you that I'm not good company for a drink, it's not without a reason that I have no people I hang out with outside of the internet.

But I'm wondering, why do you talk to random strangers on the internet like this? What is your motive?

File: alernate-nostril-breathing.jpg (50KB, 670x503px) Image search: [Google]

50KB, 670x503px

Nick, I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I'm going to do the unthinkable and resist the compulsion. My family member just took a shower, so the aroma of shampoo will be heavy in the air. I am going to breathe through my nose like a normal human being and not give in. For whatever it's worth, you can claim credit for this small increment of progress. Here goes...

File: ejercicio1('10).jpg (170KB, 707x950px) Image search: [Google]

170KB, 707x950px

>>36117468
ok. painter from now on. been reading your other posts. im sorry you're feeling so bad, i appreciate a lot that you're still willing to help people in the state you're in

>>36117708
>I don't see how you could possibly deduct what sort of personality I have from the above post.

Trust me, I know my shit, and all shits smell the same. I could try to predict some things about you and see how right I get.

>on my self imposed social isolation

It's only self-imposed insofar as you can't actually just get out and live like most people. If you had a choice, you'd want to be able to do that, like everyone else.

I maintain that you aren't responsible, though you feel like you are, which makes everything so much worse.

I can assure you you're good company for a drink. You're good company right now, so having a chat over a drink would be ten times better, even, especially if, you're a social elephant (as opposed to butterfly) because I both love socially awkward people and am appreciated by them. You'd be at home with me, you'd know it within seconds, and your insecurity would make me feel at peace and ready to help you.

(And I guess this is why mentally unstable people adore me.)

>But I'm wondering, why do you talk to random strangers on the internet like this? What is your motive?

I've always done that for a reason or another, on various topics. One reason is I want to help and I feel good doing that. Another is that my own problems make me want to fucking die and there's nothing I can do about them. Your problems are better and chances are I can help.

>>36117767

I'd be impressed if you did that.

Let me know how this goes.

>>36117861
It's done. I'm doing it as I type. I feel fine with it at the moment. I haven't in a long time, so I'm too tired to care.

>>36117910
*Haven't slept
Fuck me, I really better soon.

>>36117776

I used to paint, but I was shit. I love your art. I'm very impressed by it. You have both skills and a unique voice, the two ingredients that make geniuses according to me.

>im sorry you're feeling so bad, i appreciate a lot that you're still willing to help people in the state you're in

As a matter of fact, and I know it sounds better to see things this way - wounded Nick still musters the strength to do good - helping others helps me not choke on a bullet. I have my theory as to why this is my kind of "substance", rather than gambling of seducing women.

Helping is my only escape. This is why you can hope to see this thread go on for a long damn time.

>>36117933
>*Haven't slept
>Fuck me, I really better soon.

I laughed.

Congratulations on going against a ritual! This is how you take control back. I'm proud of you.

Any other challeng on the way?

And whose shampoo is it? Your sister?

File: IMG_5761.jpg (158KB, 900x1125px) Image search: [Google]

158KB, 900x1125px

>>36108068
OP, I need a brief advice.
You see, I have a lot of psychological issues, from long-term depression to panic attacks, high sex drive, social anxiety and insomnia.
I know I will never be able to solve them myself. As such, I need to get help from a professional therapists.
I'm finishing my university this summer.
So here's the question:
Should I start the sessions immediately, or should I save money for them after I graduate and find a job? I'm asking because it's likely that apathy will prevent me from working productively.
I am a poorfag, so it does matter. I live on 150 bucks per month.

>>36117592
Even if you only consider it self-serving, the fact that it will see you through is purpose enough for you to forge ahead. As you've seen, you've already helped several others as well so regardless of your reasons, your efforts have a positive influence on others as well as yourself. In all, valuable.

It's good that you can see at least a little light at the end of the tunnel. Things will not always seem so bleak.

You really must stop attacking yourself and undermining your motives for trying to help people. I imagine that's what my therapist would call a parental introject.

>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introjection

>Introjection (German: Introjektion) is a psychoanalytical term with a variety of meanings. Generally, it is regarded as the process where the subject replicates in himself behaviors, attributes or other fragments of the surrounding world, especially of other subjects. Cognate concepts are identification, incorporation,[1] and internalization. To use a simple example, a person who picks up traits from their friends (e.g., a person who begins frequently exclaiming "Ridiculous!" as a result of hearing a friend of theirs repeatedly doing the same) is introjecting.

File: _MG_8819.jpg (283KB, 740x930px) Image search: [Google]

283KB, 740x930px

>>36117960
thanks for your encouraging words. can i ask why you think X left you? you dont have to answer if it's too personal

easy pz

>>36118088

When I read a post like yours, and even though I'm not a professional myself, I almost feel like organising something for you so we can do something together, for free. It'd be fair: you know I'm not a professional and won't act as one, I'm 100% honest. I also know for a fact that I am worth more than some legit therapists out there, because I've met a bunch as a child, and my students frequently work with some, and my students all think I'm more efficient than their therapists (I also get to see them in context, which helps a lot).

I would say to get serious help as soon as you can, if you can afford it.

What I'm especially good at is asking the right questions and caring authentically so that it does something. If your issues are psychological, and not just brain-related, maybe I can help efficiently.

>>36118095
>You really must stop attacking yourself and undermining your motives for trying to help people.

I don't know if I introject.

I used to be Christian and tried to help people with Christian threads. I made huge ones on /b/, they'd last for hours. I read a lot of apologetics and theology, so I could argue with atheists a shitload. I was a nicer Christian than they had ever known.

I kind of see mental illness as "sin"; at least, it makes more sense as mental illness than anything else.

>>36118151

I think X left me in her heart before she did so in acts. I can't fully rely on her words. X was deeply wounded and destabilised when she thought I was abandoning her, which I wasn't, I was only expressing my own fears of being left, which were reasonable.

X and I were both in other relationships. I couldn't give up on my loved one, after all these years and efforts, so I didn't. Now I've lost everything and everyone. My loved one is an artist like you. Her art is pretty damn wild.

hey nick.

why did I got shitted on in hs for keeping to myself? As if the person is insulted by my choice not to acknowledge their existence.
Are they annoyed because someone refuses to play by their rules?

Thanks

>>36118191

Are you self-diagnosed?


irngringoerngoiengoreingeognerge

File: taimar.jpg (404KB, 733x950px) Image search: [Google]

404KB, 733x950px

>>36118327
>My loved one is an artist like you. Her art is pretty damn wild
do you have pictures of her work? i love seeing other people's stuff

File: Sissel.jpg (104KB, 750x1100px) Image search: [Google]

104KB, 750x1100px

>>36117841
> If you had a choice, you'd want to be able to do that, like everyone else.

In my eyes, just because people don't inherently want to be miserable doesn't mean that they didn't cause their misery themselves. People give me this argument a lot, that I couldn't possible be responsible because I don't want to be like this, but I don't see how it holds up beyond platonics.

> You're good company right now, so having a chat over a drink would be ten times better, even, especially if, you're a social elephant (as opposed to butterfly)

The way I see it, in order for people to enjoy hanging out with you, you either need to have some sort of value as a person (be it personality, abilities, charisma or otherwise) or the other person needs to have some ulterior motive. I have no social contacts outside of the internet for a reason, which in combination with my self image leads me to believe I am terrible company.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through rough times.

> I could try to predict some things about you and see how right I get.

Alright, bring it. I'm curious just how much you'll actually get right.

>>36118346
>why did I got shitted on in hs for keeping to myself?

Because others probably assumed your reasons for doing so were about them.

>As if the person is insulted by my choice not to acknowledge their existence.

This is indeed the worst thing you can do to someone. I know it's not exactly the same, but the worst torture I've been subjected to has to do with being denied my own existence. I'd sooner be physically tortured (lightly).

>Are they annoyed because someone refuses to play by their rules?

Yes, but it's not just their rules, it's everyone's rules.

Perhaps you have an excellent reason not to mingle, but you must absolutely understand why others will react negatively. They probably assume you think you're better than them, and that's an attack on them, so the react.

I would advise you to communicate with them, even if you dislike them, even if you're not enjoying it at first.

I'd need to know your reasons.

>>36118374

I have some digital doodles here, but she wouldn't want me to post her art without permission, and I cannot speak to her currently.

Besides, seeing her work makes me want to cry.

If you have anything to say about your art when you post, I'd love to hear. If not, that is fine too. Art speaks for itself.

>>36118265
It's good to have the ammunition to be able to argue. There was a time when I'd seek that out with Christianity in particular - from both sides - but now I'd rather try to have a deeper understanding of politics. I must confess, economics seems beyond me.

>>36118396
>People give me this argument a lot, that I couldn't possible be responsible because I don't want to be like this, but I don't see how it holds up

If you could, you would. You have no counter argument for this.

>
The way I see it, in order for people to enjoy hanging out with you, you either need to have some sort of value as a person (be it personality, abilities, charisma or otherwise) or the other person needs to have some ulterior motive.

You have charisma, a personality, and value. You're great company. Relax. With more confidence, you'd let yourself go and be even more awesome, but I believe that can come faster than you think. I like you.

>Alright, bring it. I'm curious just how much you'll actually get right.

It could be that one or both of your parents don't know you on a psychological level, and really only know what you do and not who you are, thus placing the focus on deeds and not your ontological being. If you feel like they don't know you truly, this would be an accurate description of your relationship with them.

It could be that one or both of them invalidated your ideas, opinions, feelings, and even deeds, though never in such a way as to be the obvious problem. It could be that this made you internalise the feelings they made you feel, and that you ended up hating yourself instead of them.

By any means, you haven't experienced unconditional love and don't know what it is to be appreciated for who you are and not just what you do. Thus, social interaction constantly puts your self worth at stake, and thus, your life. This is too tense to just have fun and get to know people in a relaxed manner.

I'll stop there for now.

>>36118513
>I must confess, economics seems beyond me.

That's because economics is a dirty science. Bendable rules wrapped around hard greed.

File: _MG_5430.jpg (853KB, 1000x700px) Image search: [Google]

853KB, 1000x700px

>>36118446
>she wouldn't want me to post her art without permission, and I cannot speak to her currently
it's a shame but i understand.

i dont like to express the conclusions of my drawings and paintings since i rather the viewer reach those conclusions by themselves but i can share the founding elements of some of my "work" if that's ok.

in the case of this one the main subject is in a space of entertainment and relaxation (a pool) but even then death is present (the floating dog) and dead is animalistic in a way that's why it's not a person. others (like the person on the side of the pool pinching his nose) notice it and instinctively avoids it but not the person in the pool. now as to the why i'll rather have you come to your own conclusions. sorry if i sound avoidant but it really makes me nervous sharing my own conclusions about my stuff

File: 1487758292147433554.jpg (63KB, 584x466px) Image search: [Google]

63KB, 584x466px

>>36118200
Thanks for the offer, I really appreciate it.

I wanted to ask you on how to deal with my absence of motivation, as I tied it to negative experiences in my childhood, but it'll be too complex for this format of speech, so I'll throw something else.

As I am aware of, I don't feel too much of an excitement living because, firstly, I am depressed, which involves many factors and memories, and secondly, I lack the goal I would pursue.

Also, I am too invested in escapism. When playing videogames, my imagination works so well I feel the world, and when I watch anime with some romantic plot, no matter if it's cliched or not, I usually cry, and in other cases, I smile widely, and worry honestly.
The former has its own roots, too.

But even joy from these activities quickly recedes, and here I am, filling the silence and escaping bad thoughts with watching videogame streams almost all the time I am awake.

What this is leading for is my love for masturbation. I trained myself to cum only if I am tired or really want it, so my fap sessions last from 30 minutes to several hours. When doing this, I lose sense of time, and it feels so good that I can't stop until very exhausted or it is painful.
I tie it with my need to get endorphins, as I feel alive and living while doing this.

I suppose this affects my daily routine on how much pleasure I get from doing other things - say, if I do exercise regularly, I will still get much less pleasure than from masturbating.

I tried to control myself, reducing it to one hour sessions twice a week, but failed many times, tempted by thoughts of how good will it feel once again.

What should I do?

Of course, it wouldn't solve all of my problems, but I'm sure it'll help me to feel a little better in a long-term perspective.

It's not my hand on pic related.

File: 13c2304a107d8f0f196654a6008676dd.jpg (76KB, 736x728px) Image search: [Google]

76KB, 736x728px

>>36118651

I love hearing you speak about your art. I find that fascinating. I used to read books about famous painters, so talking to a live one, whose work I think is easily comparable, that's a massive kick for me.

>mfw I wish the anons in this thread could just join me in my living room, for drinks and amateur therapy

>>36118732
Also, sorry for my bad English, if there's any signs of it. It's not my native language. I don't post too often.

>>36118417

>This is indeed the worst thing you can do to someone.

I can understand this when it comes to family/close group relations but I cant understand why would that be the case in a large group. That person already has a group of friends and is accepted. Why are they bothered by 1 person (that being me)?

>but you must absolutely understand why others will react negatively

Well that proves my assumptions that these people where assholes to begin with if they react the way they do. So that gives me even a bigger reason to keep doing my thing.

>>36118732

I'd say you have a hole in your soul that you fill with everything you can to alleviate the pain: sex, anime, games, etc.

Like something basic is missing in you, and that prevents you from enjoying life the way it should be enjoyed.

It's not so much escapism as trying to fill that void in you.

Usually, that void should not have been there when you grew up. Usually, parents make sure you don't grow half a person, but are complete.

In theory, you weren't given all you needed as a growing child, and the consequences are what you're dealing with now, but that's just my theory.

There may be other things. You tell me.

File: 1445919360013.jpg (57KB, 542x602px) Image search: [Google]

57KB, 542x602px

I have trouble thinking in anything but black and white and I have very severe depression whenever I'm thinking in black rather than white. Most things prock the black thinking rather than white. The white thinking never lasts more than a couple hours.
I was diagnosed with BPD, bipolar depression, and possible sociopathy.