Feels thread

Guess I'll start then. Tonight, I realized that a huge part of my problems originate in growing up in an unstable family. My father developed some mental problems after a car accident, and that tore my family apart. Occasionally he'd explode into rage from nowhere and I'd be scared for my health. In other instances, he played me against my sister where I was the "golden child" and he tried to make us hate each other. A few years before the divorce, my family dissolved completely, we'd go entire days during the summer with nonstop screaming, and the cops would show up. By the age of 16, I was desensitized to it and either ignored it totally or laughed it off.

Now, I realize that reaction has been my undoing. I'm indifferent to everything, and have lost pleasure in almost all my hobbies. Speaking to a therapist hasn't worked, taking walks hasn't worked, and anti-depressants probably won't work. The answer seems obvious: I need to probe deep, be it with drugs or meditation or deep thought, and tear out the problem myself so I can feel again.

I guess it's an amateurish thought, but at this point it's all I have to go by.

>>36033800
Replace Car accident with work related injury, and sister with brother and you've got my childhood. Incredible

>>36034059
Interesting. Have you had any issues with Anhedonia, apathy, emotional numbness, and/or lack of energy? If not, what do you have?

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It's really easy to justify your own thoughts. I can't tell if I'm slipping back into depression right now, or if it's temporary phenibut withdrawals. Accomplished a lot of productive things today, just to fight my thoughts, yet here I am on r9k at 12am (rookie hours I know) wondering if I'm no different from the betas who live here.

Pic unrelated

Not much just browsing. Going to get drunk tonight most likely and hit the bars by myself and see what happens. I'll probably come home and play some LoL

I am an alcoholic trying to cut back, I don't drink as much as I used to though. I'm not really depressed at all

>>36034116
Bi-polar disorder that emerged at around 15 years.
For most of my childhood I was entirely apathetic/emotionally numb etc. but it's very slowly getting better. I've seen shitty therapists and accomplished nothing except losing shit loads of money.

Just read up on anhedronia and that sounds pretty accurate.

>>36034289
Sucks, man. Pretty confident that my father has Bipolar Disorder, and it basically ruined his life. Glad to hear you're getting better though.

>>36034318
Thanks mate, I wish you the best.

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I've reached the point where I'm even tired of fucking complaining about my problems.
I think at some point I'm just going to stop speaking entirely.

I wish I wasn't such a fuckup. All I do is spend money on blow and feel sorry for myself.
At least I didn't buy any tonight. Instead I'm just drinking until I can sleep. Not much better

Drinking whiskey and thinking about how a certain traumatic incident from middle school is probably responsible for a whole series of shitty behaviors that have continued into my adulthood, and how I somehow haven't put two and two together until just now.

I was awake until 5am reading a book. I took a couple of antihistamine pills to help me sleep and didn't get up until past noon.

I worked from 5pm to 10pm, came home, and then wrote three articles for a legal website I'm an independent contractor for. That took about an hour and a half. Afterward, I went outside, threw the rain cover over my motorcycle, and opened my laptop to /r9k/.

I'll stick around for twenty or thirty minutes, finish reading my book, take a break to learn a few new words in Hindi, and then start on another of the novels I purchased last week.

In a month and three days, I'll be in Ecuador. Four weeks after I return, I'll be on my way to Mexico, Egypt, and Tanzania. Whether I'll come back in September isn't decided, but I'll be happy to leave and obtain the privilege of discretion.