Psychological Issues #22

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I really don't want to vent, I see it as me complaining and being annoying. But I feel like I have to talk to someone, I just don't know.

About 3 years ago I did some depraved stuff (I didn't hurt anyone but it was fucking disgusting) and from then on I've fallen into a perpetual state of depression and self-hate. Any time I try to resurface I just remember what I've done and that it can not be fixed and that I'll just be miserable forever.

It's been getting worse. This feeling of self-hate and depression make me doubt if my friends really do like me or are friends out of necessity. So I try to distance myself, I don't want to be some annoying leech. But then again it feels like I do it for attention, because I just want to get back talking to them. I feel like I'm dependent on people, but I'm a really shitty friend. I never initiate conversation. I can't understand myself.

I recently joined up in a pretty nice Discord server, had a nice time but I left it after I considered that I was just lurking most of the time, and that I'm not really an interesting person to talk to. But now I want to join in back again? I'm just a disgusting attention-seeking, indecisive, spineless waste of human life. Fuck I wish I could give my life to someone, what a waste. There's a pretty tall building nearby, but I know I'm a spineless piece of shit and I won't do it. I crave the day I muster up enough courage and discard myself. Good riddance.

Have a cool pic, OP. You're a pretty swell dude for making a thread like this.

>>36019645
So I was looking for my vibrator and I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I looked in my bfs box underneath our bed and found it, not sure what it was doing in there. When I turned it on it was low on battery and literally smelled like asshole,
So my bf has been using my vibrator.
Do you think he is gay? Or is it just anal play

>>36020198
>I really don't want to vent, I see it as me complaining and being annoying. But I feel like I have to talk to someone, I just don't know.

You need to, and you should. You are not annoying, you are not complaining. You are speaking. I am here for exactly this, to listen to you.

>About 3 years ago I did some depraved stuff

What did you do?

>I can't understand myself.

I'd suggest reading this:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Let me know if anything rings a bell.

> I'm just a disgusting attention-seeking, indecisive, spineless waste of human life

You have some extremely harsh words against yourself. I am positive some other voice used to speak to you that way.

Report back to me whenever you can.

>>36020234

Gay or not, he definitely likes it in the ass.

Thing is, he didn't ask for permission and didn't wash it, which could have caused you some infection.

Discuss it with him, ask him if he's gay or merely likes anal.

How come you can't just ask him about it? What holds you back?

>>36020234
Maturbating doesn't make you gay, faggot

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>>36020378
>You need to, and you should. You are not annoying, you are not complaining. You are speaking. I am here for exactly this, to listen to you.

Yeah, it just feels like I'm bothering other people with meaningless things. If I wasn't an awful person, perhaps, I wouldn't feel like a bother on others. But right now I see myself as undeserving of favorable treatment.

>What did you do?

I'm sorry, but I can't really talk about it. I wish I could, but it feels as if there's an impenetrable wall preventing me. I've revealed what I've done before, and it just did nothing. Just assume it's something that society disproves of and considers disgusting for the most part.

>Let me know if anything rings a bell.

The fear of abandonment (but it's got a legitimate reason - people finding out what I've done and ostracizing me) and the unclear or unstable self-image with seemingly fluid personality, interests, etc.

>You have some extremely harsh words against yourself. I am positive some other voice used to speak to you that way.

Not really. I was mildly bullied when I was very young but I doubt it's related. I speak harshly to myself because I deserve it, I take the viewpoint of normal people, not mine - the one that feels sorry for myself. As much as I fear it, I believe I deserve such words, and perhaps more.

>>36020899
>Yeah, it just feels like I'm bothering other people with meaningless things.

Go to YouTube, Richard Grannon, people-pleaser. Thank me later.

>I'm sorry, but I can't really talk about it. I wish I could, but it feels as if there's an impenetrable wall preventing me. I've revealed what I've done before, and it just did nothing. Just assume it's something that society disproves of and considers disgusting for the most part.

You can. Nobody will know. I'm assuming you raped a dog or molested a child, so if it's anything lighter than this, go right ahead.

I'm going to take a shower, guys. I'll be back in about 20 or 30 minutes or so. Maybe less.

Remember: you can speak to each other too. You have a lot in common. Some of you seem to have the same parents. Mental illness can be very samey.

Connect, people, connect.

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>>36021012
Sorry, forgot to put my name in the previous post.

>Go to YouTube, Richard Grannon, people-pleaser. Thank me later.

I'm checking his channel out, seems like he covers a wide area of topics.

>You can. Nobody will know. I'm assuming you raped a dog or molested a child, so if it's anything lighter than this, go right ahead.

Beat my dick off to my mother and to a girl younger than me with one or two years. Lost any attraction after I did it in both cases. Both have branched out into their own separate problems - I now very oftenly get recurrent, extremely unpleasant intrusive thoughts about my mother whenever I masturbate and I have to stop and wait. Additionally, I avoid any masturbating to anything that may bear even the slightest similarities to my mother. The other problem branched off into a fear (or perhaps reinforced? I think it popped up earlier and unexpectedly before, but I can't be sure) of being a pedophile. I know I'm not, but it's a massive fear. I'm extremely uncomfortable around anyone younger than me to the point where I can't even look at or stand near them. I can't be attracted to / lust after a woman until I know with certainty what her age is, and it must be something over 20 / 21. I barely masturbate to any woman that isn't much older than me because of this (mostly MILF stuff, but then again that loops back into my other fear so it's not nice).

>>36020198
Did the "depraved stuff" you did three years back include high-heels, fishnets, dildos, a webcam and an internet connection? If yes, then own it m8. It's attention seeking whores like yourself who provide sollace to my otherwise meaningless life.
>>36021012
>I'm assuming you raped a dog or molested a child...
how the fuck did you deduce that you fucking rube cunt?
>I didn't hurt anyone but it was fucking disgusting
pedophilia and beastiality are things that are done to other beings you fucking moron
>and from then on I've fallen into a perpetual state of depression and self-hate
he's ashamed + feels guilty because he was taught that anal masturbation was off limit and so was cross dressing
>...I just remember what I've done and that it can not be fixed
muh gaping asshole + internet vid that can't be taken down
> I'm just a disgusting attention-seeking, indecisive, spineless waste of human life
attention-seeker is the key word here
>I'm a really "shitty" friend
>I'm just a "disgusting"
>spineless "waste" of human life
>what a "waste"
>spineless piece of "shit"
>Good "riddance"
Interesting choice of words, isn't it?
My analysis is that this guy is guilty of engaging in cropophiliac endeavors in front of an online audience or that he filmed himself and later on uploaded them to the net
>>36021012
Try harder freud!!

>>36021438
did someone say anticlimatic?
get your head out of your arse, there are much bigger problems in life than having sexual feeling for your mother and jacking it to kiddie porn
i'll also brb, have to eat dinner

tl;dr I have fucked up genitals and will never be able to have PIV sex, I am incredibly lonely, I have no friends and I am obsessed with looking at images of sex and people with normal bodies and I bask in my disgust at myself for hours every day

It's becoming intolerable, I just want to be dead. I have no hope of a normal life or being loved and I know these are just fucking stupid monkey instincts that make me desire it but IM SO ALONE and the only person I want to talk to does not want to talk to me.

I fucking hate everything. I have no reason to be alive. Posting this is pointless because you're just going to say I have NPD, BPD, or C-PTSD and then you're going to ask about my parents. Fuck you, Freud

>>36021697
Fuck Nick. If you don't want to live, kill yourself. Don't let anyone stop you. Kill some niggers and get taken out by the police.

>>36021554
Sorry. It's why I don't like venting, my problems are pathetic.

>>36021733
I know suicide is the logical and correct decision, but I just can't do it. Been hospitalized twice because I was too much of a pussy to just finish the job. I'm such a coward, yet another reason to be miserable

>>36021793
Get a weapon. Find a large group of blacks. Start killing them. You'll end up dead, while making the world a better place.

>>36021823
too edgy for me
>>36021746
I'm also sorry for being an asshole, don't let the likes like me bring you down m8. feel free to vent

>>36021823
I don't really care about race relations

I'm back, answering your posts.

>>36021438

OK, relax, please, all right? It's not that bad by a long shot. Your guilt doesn't mean you committed a crime. You did nothing to anyone, focus on that, nobody but yourself suffers any consequences.

Forget about the girl younger than you by 1 or 2 years: that's absolutely nothing to worry about and it's quite normal. OK? You did nothing illegal, and it's not abnormal at all. So relax.

There's something with your mother, and that's what we have to explore here. Don't worry, you aren't the first anon I talk with who wants, or wanted, to dingydong a parent.

Are you OK?

>>36021441
>how the fuck did you deduce that you fucking rube cunt?

Given the guilt anon expressed, I expected something pretty bad.

>>36021522
>. I went to a doctor and got put on some antidepressents and what a world of difference I feel.

Antidepressants aren't suppposed to have any effects before 8 weeks or so. Apart from side-effects. Are you sure it's not a placebo?

If not, I'm glad for you, though that's pretty weird.

>before my life was flipped turned upside down.

>not sure if srs

>>36021554
>there are much bigger problems in life than having sexual feeling for your mother

I will have to tell you to keep your opinion to yourself. Don't invalidate other people's feelings. For now, it's a desire to dingydong his mother, but further down the line, something different might come up as to why, and that can be much, much worse.

Some people are more affected by having abusive parents than you'd be from spending a few years in a death camps. It all depends, and some parents are truly worse than death camps wards, and being a child, with your own parents, this has the potential to be much, much more devastating, so don't make quick judgements on people's suffering.

We want people to feel at ease with sharing. In doubt, keep it shut.

>>36021589
>tl;dr I have fucked up genitals

Be precise.

>>36021697

I might say some of these things, I might not. It doesn't matter. What matters is the truth.

Why do you think you feel this way?

>>36021746

They're not, neither are you. Problems don't need to look cool to be serious.

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Resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

http://www.synergiacounselling.com/the-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd-test/

Facet, I got 35 "yesses" to that CPTSD test.

How the hell do I end up with more than you?

>>36023323

There are 50 questions in total.

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origine anal

>>36022875
Thankfully there is no desire left, as I said it's long gone the moment I had masturbated. It's just awful intrusive thoughts right now, and I do not enjoy them. They're not even graphic most of the time, just an image, but it's still very disturbing.

My parents are wonderful people, I have never been abused by them and both of them cherish me. I remember I had to frequently visit my grandparents that lived away, due to parents being extremely busy with getting the family on its feet - not because they were unable or unwilling to take care of me. I was very homesick constantly, and I still am very prone to being homesick, I think.

>>36023448
>extremely busy with getting the family on its feet

How so? What was happening?

>I was very homesick constantly, and I still am very prone to being homesick, I think.

Trauma isn't always inflicted willingly. Neglect and the rest can be caused by parents who don't realise the damage they're doing.

That may sound like a dumb question, but do you know why your mother attracted you? Is she hot?

>>36023507
I can't go into details, but they had to work and study to support the family.

I don't really know, I think it was probably just physical attraction.

>>36023634
>I can't go into details

Why not?

>>36023640
I barely remember anything, I was only a few years old.

>>36023700

Share all you can.

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>>36022935
Sounds like mania to me.
I got that with Prozac, Cymbalta and some TCA the name of which has faded with time. Eventually they stopped giving me anti-depressants and started giving me straight chemical handcuffs.
Every time I was on pills, they worked for a while. Eventually I felt like I was going to kill myself and would start self-medicating to bring myself down.
Thinking is the enemy.

>>36023709
Honest, don't remember more than playing with toys and looking out the window from a car.

Anyways, thank you for talking to me. It feels good someone is willing to talk. Keep up the good work.

>>36023868

Frightening.


orgirjejogejogeigegege

>>36023967

It may have been enough to make you feel abandoned. How long did you stay there?

Baby humans and small children have an evolutionary need to be close to their parents; we evolved that from getting snatched the fuck up by predators. Little hoomans who didn't care about their parents being away got snatched the fuck up way more.

>>36024012
Not too long, but it wasn't just for a few days, can't quite remember.

I don't think it's done me any harm. Probably just made me appreciate my grandparents more than I would've.

>>36019645
So I have two things that are bugging me that I don't think are related, but might be, as they're both family shit.


#1. Mother. My mother was a less than effective parent, and after a sort of kidnapping of my younger brother, I made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with her. That was about 6 years ago. Periodically, she tries to get back in touch with me. The most recent happened today, at work, where she somehow tracked me down and left a letter to be delivered to me by the receptionist. Threw it out without looking at it, but that was about 4 hours ago and I'm still literally shaking with it. If past experience is anything to go by, I wont' be able to think fully clearly for another day or two.

#2. Paternal grandmother and rest of family. We've got a big gathering coming up next week. I'll be going, and I do love the lot of them, but they get me so irritable. I'm not sure how it happened, all of the rest of them having grown up in the U.S., but they're, as a general rule, incredibly bad at actually communicating. Grandmother in particular tends to use bizarre adjectives instead of proper names (Bowls are often called deep-soup-plates), and my younger brother, mildly autistic, often has incredible difficulty understanding her, and everyone else has mild difficulty. I often have to play "translator" at these sorts of gatherings, because fuck knows nobody else can figure out how to string a sentence together, and I enormously resent them for it.

Let's speak on Skype. You have it?

>>36024093

Not on this computer, and my other one is dead, and I am not ready for Skype!

Sorry about that, but glad you're here.

>>36024072
>#1. Mother. My mother was a less than effective parent, and after a sort of kidnapping of my younger brother, I made it very clear I wanted nothing to do with her. That was about 6 years ago. Periodically, she tries to get back in touch with me. The most recent happened today, at work, where she somehow tracked me down and left a letter to be delivered to me by the receptionist. Threw it out without looking at it, but that was about 4 hours ago and I'm still literally shaking with it. If past experience is anything to go by, I wont' be able to think fully clearly for another day or two.

Holy shit, man. I'm going through something similar with my brothers, but it's just the beginning of the no contact policy. I wonder what she did to you to make you feel so affected. Tell me.

>#2. Paternal grandmother and rest of family.

Deep soup plates. Now, whenever I see a bowl, I will think of you.

Maybe your family does so little communicating that its members don't have basic vocabulary. I assume you're a reader.

>>36024174
That's very disappointing. Couldn't you create an account to the purpose? It;s hardly as though I could track you down based on your voice alone and I lack the sophistication to use any kind of satnav location. We'd like to speak to you voice to voice. All of us

Does anyone else have health anxiety? I have a severe panic disorder that causes me to have panic attacks at least four times a day. They're always related to health, for instance today it's been
>touching the shower curtain accidentally (even though I disinfected it yesterday) because I'm scared of contamination
>drinking one cup of earl grey and then looking up if it's possible to overdose and die from drinking too much tea and then panicking for about an hour that I was about to overdose and die (from tea, i know)
>feeling a pain in my leg
>thinking about all the possible carcinogens I've accidentally ingested
>thinking about all the infections I could get from touching objects outdoors
saying it out loud makes me realize it's stupid but my life is a constant hell of being terrified of every mundane aspect of being alive. The panic attacks are bad, they cause me to have chest pains (built up adrenaline according to therapist), and temporary hearing loss. I hate this but I don't want to take medication because that also scares me.

>>36024227
>That's very disappointing.

That would have made me feel very bad only a year ago, but I'm handling it.

I'm not scared of you tracking me down, I've always had phone phobia in general. Also, I'm doing many things at once right now and an audio convo would prevent me from doing the rest of my tasks.

And also, I'm very much scared of you and have no doubt that you are much more at ease with audio conversations than I would be.

I also like keeping track of the exchange.

>We'd like to speak to you voice to voice. All of us

(I actually didn't get what you really meant until the third time I read it... Spoopy.)

>>36024300

I have a friend who has this, though not to that degree. He has it because his father would scare him with health shit all the time.

>I has a headache
>IT'S BRAIN CANCER, LIKE YOUR UNCLE ROBERT

>>36024225

> I wonder what she did to you to make you feel so affected. Tell me.

I don't even know where to start. She was, and I assume still is, deeply dysfunctional. I know she was prescribed some sort of heavy medication which often left her awake but essentially not there; I've had the cops called on several occasions as a kid because she wouldn't trust me with keys to the house, but also wouldn't open the door when I came home from school, necessitating me trying to break into my home. Food was often a problem; with alimony, we had enough to buy food, but her actually being able to focus consistently to go to the store and get groceries was not a given. When she was coherent, it wasn't much better. She often just seemed to have no idea how other people worked, or that there were other people at all. I remember one time when we were going to the library for some reason, and there was a guy smoking outside. She walks up to him, pulls the cigarette out of his mouth, and starts lecturing him as to why smoking is bad for your health. She legitimately was surprised when the guy got angry as hell. Living under her roof was one long, long exercise in having to take care of her.

The brother incident happened when I was off in college ,and not around to run things to a degree of sanity. There was a storm warning, and Mom decided, arbitrarily, that the house would flood under. So she just packed up my little brother and hauled him off to a motel about 200 miles away, confiscated his phone when he freaked out and tried to call someone, and got him in all sorts of trouble at school because he wasn't there for some of his finals and of course nobody could contact him. She still, as of the last time I've communicated (through third parties) with her, does not understand why it upsets me.

>>36024317
We don't want you to be afraid of us.

You're a good boy. You're a friend. Why would you do this? What do you have to be afraid of?

You're not going to help yourself if you keep cutting of potential social connections. This is a problem you tend to perpetuate. People reach out to you and you isolate yourself. No one's going to wait around for you forever, you know. You're wasting people's time. Not everyone is going to be this patient. It's no skin off our nose. We just don't want to see you wasting away. No one else will listen to you if you keep doing this. You're going to be left all alone if you don't do what I tell you. I care about you, but that has limits too.

>>36024225


>Maybe your family does so little communicating that its members don't have basic vocabulary. I assume you're a reader.

I'm not sure what you mean as to your first sentence. I don't mean to imply that they're hermitish or isolated or standoffish. They do *try* to communicate, they just do so very badly. Lots of verbal static, as it were. I don't really read that much, and really, it's not about esoteric vocabulary. The whole lot of them seem to have trouble remembering names, not just of people but of ordinary nouns.

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me again, i must be a pain in the ass by now.
i have three issues i think:
1. how do i let go of a painful past? i was somewhat bullied all of my childhood but it wasnt too harsh. i was a small, quiet kid, a bit of a weirdo. i got choked multiple times til i almost fainted, i got beaten up fairly regularly, a guy once pissed on my backpack and there was a lot of verbal taunting. whenever i remember my childhood and my early teen years my heart sinks and i feel like crying (tho i havent cried in 3 years aprox). i know they were just kids and kids are sometimes cruel without knowing the consequences of their cruelty but i cant let go of the pain and anger. how do i get rid of it
2. how do i stop wanting to hurt myself? i started hurting myself on various ways when i was about 11 (28 now). burning, cutting, sticking needles, hanging until my sight went blank and i fainted, scratching myself until i peeled my skin and blood gushed. i think it all started because of depression. i stopped feeling and hurting myself was a way to feel something. i havent hurt myself in 2 years but the need is still there. last time i hurt myself was on a psychotic episode. i thought i had a parasite inside me between shoulder and neck and i tried to get it out but that might be unrelated
3. i havent masturbated in two years and i dont have a libido at all, hardly ever get erections and they are not that hard and i dont cum. do you think antipsychotics (25mg olanzapine) have something to do with it? should i tell my pdoc?

anyways thanks for reading my long ass post

>>36024411

Holy shit...

What do you think she has? NPD? BPD?

Do you think she was trying to be mean or did she really believe her own ideas?

>>36024596
>What do you think she has? NPD? BPD?
I'm not even sure what those are, I have no particular psychological training and I'm not particularly interested. I know she had epilepsy, but her behavioral issues both pre-dated and post-dated a surgery she had which did end her seizures (They cut out some part of the hippocampus, IIRC, but I was very young when it happened). Getting secondhand info from the rest of my family, she was apparently very different before she had my younger brother Dan, and never really was quite the same after giving birth. I don't really remember that period though.

>Do you think she was trying to be mean or did she really believe her own ideas?
I am 100% convinced she believes her own stuff, no matter how delusional she's being. She's an incredibly poor liar and actress.

>>36024447
>We don't want you to be afraid of us.

Indeed, but that doesn't reassure me in the least. I mean, you know, coming from a man who speaks in "we".

>You're a good boy.

And it was often my problem, precisely.

>Why would you do this?

Relax, I'm only postponing a potential audio conversation, I'm not cutting off contact with you (all).

You do speak like you're someone else tonight. What's up?

>You're not going to help yourself if you keep cutting of potential social connections.

I read this as an attempt to push me where you want rather than any genuine concern for my person.

>This is a problem you tend to perpetuate.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. At any rate, my decision is not related to this.

>People reach out to you and you isolate yourself.

You speak beyond your knowledge of me. Getting suspicious.

> No one's going to wait around for you forever, you know.

Threatening tone. My spidey sense is going up like crazy. I'm definitely not chatting you (all) on Skype tonight.

>You're wasting people's time.

You've reached father levels for me, now. The good news is that I frankly am not affected by this manipulation anymore and it even makes me angry at you for trying. I guess that's what healthy boundaries feel like.

> Not everyone is going to be this patient.

Thank God you're special, eh? But you're not fooling me, you aren't a patient person. I know that.

>. We just don't want to see you wasting away.

I doubt your concern for me. We both know I don't fully exist for you. Your real intent is not that, it's something else. Something I may have that you may want.

> No one else will listen to you if you keep doing this.

More threats. Truth: people aren't here to listen to me, but to talk to me, for one, and secondly, people do listen to me if they care for me.

>You're going to be left all alone if you don't do what I tell you. I care about you, but that has limits too.

Holy shit, you've gone full dark side. (cont)

>>36024447
>You're going to be left all alone if you don't do what I tell you. I care about you, but that has limits too.

I wonder which alter that is, but whoever it is, they're not very subtle.

>if you don't do what I tell you

Boy, are you in for a massive disappointment, then. You'll sooner find your own thumb up your ass than me doing what you tell me for your own sake.

>I care about you, but that has limits too.

Then I will gladly reach that limit and see what you do then. OK?

I'm better off finding your limits, and you mine, sooner than later.

>>36024706

Very interesting. Did she have any hallucinations? It sounds like she may have had delusions.

Any other symptoms?

>>36019645
ok, this is the thing.
I never told anyone but since I was a kid, when i am sure that i'm alone in my home, i start running around, pretending to be an adventurer, a samurai, a space marine or any other exciting character.
I run around imagining incredible adventures and i even make noises with my mouth to simulate explosions and shootings and swords clashing.
I've been doing this since i was 5, so 15 years ago, never stopped.

>>36024873
>Very interesting. Did she have any hallucinations? It sounds like she may have had delusions.
Not that I'm aware of, but often she was so confused that it's quite possible she did and I just missed out on them.

>Any other symptoms?
Again, not that I know of, but I don't exactly know what to look for. She was just sleepy/incoherent for much of the time and more or less out of her mind when she wasn't.

>>36024896

Sounds pretty fucking based, anon. Now you're 20 and you're still a based Space Marine when everyone else is gone.

I'd pay to see that.

>THE EMPRAH PROTECTS

I can imagine you feel a bit guilty, but overall, if you're having fun, fuck it.

All we want is to talk to you, Nick. If you don't want to talk to us, that's up to you. I just don't understand why you're being hostile.

at this point i don't think i'm ever going to stop doing this, hope that nobody will spot me

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n-notice me original s-senpai: >>36024540

>>36025121
>I just don't understand why you're being hostile.

You don't understand because of this: I'm not being hostile. I'm simply not doing what you want me to do, and you're impatient with that, because you dislike not controlling me as much as you thought you could.

Don't project on me. You're being hostile, with your threats and manipulations. I'm not.

Which one of you fuckers is in control?

(I expect you'll feel weird about this thread, Facet, and I hope you'll reread when you're yourself again.)

>>36025146

If that makes you feel any better, I started talking on my own at an early age and I have never stopped either.

Subject matters are different now, but I still do it. I use to voice characters in stories I made up, or imagine that my bed was a raft, and that I was stuck on it with a princess, or that I was a wounded knight in a bed. Both scenarioes fit the parameter of being in bed, so I used it a lot. As an adult, I discuss things to verbalise ideas and "think aloud", if you want. It's very useful. I used that technique to write a whole thesis for university. I think more clearly using words in speech. It forces order.

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>>36024540
>me again, i must be a pain in the ass by now.

I'm sorry I missed your post! It happens to me regularly, and I don't know why. Don't take it personally. I feel awful when I miss posts.

> i got choked multiple times til i almost fainted, i got beaten up fairly regularly, a guy once pissed on my backpack and there was a lot of verbal taunting.

That's a lot, and it's heavy shit. Way enough to see a therapist for it.

>2. how do i stop wanting to hurt myself?

Learn about BPD and try DBT.

3. if it bothers you, tell your doc, yes.

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(Is anyone else freaked out by Facet tonight?)

>>36019645
Hey Nick. I have lurked in most of your threads and decided to finally ask you something.

I am a diagnosed schizophrenic, was in the looney bin once and am currently in therapy and on medication. One of my issues is an irrational paranoia that my computer and other cameras are spying on me. I sometimes cant leave the house without a disguise because someone could film or photograph me.
I dont have the courage to search for bus- or train-connections in fear that someone is spying on me.
Is there any way that I could overcome this paranoia?

>>36025314
Stop making fun of Facet. She's going through a rough time in her life. You should be helping her, not making fun of her.

>>36025357

Yes, one is to see a professional, the other is to think logically about why would anyone spy on you.

Do you think the government has anything to gain by spying on you? It costs a lot of money to have a team of people following someone, a huge sum of money. Do you think whatever info they get on your life brings them more money than this?

If no, do you think the government would waste money like that?

That type of reasoning may help. Try.

>>36025382
>She

It's you, Facet. No one else would use "she" for you, since only you would randomly decide that it's the female alter in charge.

You're cunning, but not enough to manipulate me.

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>>36025303
>Learn about BPD and try DBT.
interesting. i hadnt heard of DBT. i dont think i have BPD tho. anyways. maybe i should look for a psych that does DBT, my psychiatrist relies almost completely on the meds and a few basic weekly questions to check on my mental state. not to say the meds he put me on havent worked, theyve worked like a charm for the delusions, the hallucinations and for keeping the suicidal thoughts manageable but i feel like i need a little more insight about myself and he isnt too good at that

>>36025259
>or imagine that my bed was a raft, and that I was stuck on it with a princess, or that I was a wounded knight in a bed

looks like a more comfy version of what i usually do, i'm feeling very connected with you knowing this ahah.

However, this thing that i do has made me feel very different from normal people, i mean, i don't feel excluded or isolated, just different

>>36025314
man, facet is losing his shit

>>36025449
I have to tell you, I absolutely LOVE that you're wrong. If you have any IP detecting technology please engage it. I promise you, you're wrong

I can understand someone a bit out of whack thinking cameras and other people are spying on them, but why does that scare them that much? Can't you just don't give a fuck about it? That info is useless against you for all you should care.

>>36025427
I can rationalize it up to some degree.
Lets just say that Im not the most innocent person, Ive done some bad things and if the government would find out, I would be screwed.

And with facial recognition-technology it is easy to survey a large amount of people, they could also use trojans to record everything I type, that wouldnt be much effort at all, which is also why I wont be more specific here.

But yeah, I guess I can bring it up at my next psychiatrist-meeting.

>>36025528
Don't tell him to track me please. I hope your life improves soon.

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Ok so I get very jealous of other people I speak to. I feel everyone is more interesting than me, better at everything and just live a more unique life and I even start to envy other peoples depression because it feels like they have more real and worse symptoms than I do and so I get annoyed that I'm bad at even feeling bad, which sounds dumb I know but I talk to a lot of people from /r9k/ and places and they all have worse problems than me and i feel like i'm just wasting everyones time in comparison. Of course everything in my life is so dull and average that even my problems are less significant than others.
I have an appointment with a therapist soon and part of me really wants to get some diagnosis because at least then i will feel something instead of being this completely blank and uninterestingly average person. My life is so boring and dull and i hate everything. Not sure if I just crave attention but I just want to switch places with somebody else's life. I hate myself so goddam much.

>>36025528
>I have to tell you, I absolutely LOVE that you're wrong.

I have no way of knowing whether I am wrong or not, though I doubt it. Maybe some mod can confirm, but maybe you used a proxy and expected me to use some IP tech to find out a different IP, which you would have loved even more, am I right?

Either way, knowing you "LOVE" that I am (not) wrong, in itself, is weird enough.

What the fuck is happening to you, Facet? Did I go up a level in your mind and I am now a target for you?

Is my resistance making you hard?

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>>36025449
nick i have to say you're cool af, if i knew hot to draw i would draw you like a cool ass nigga detective of human soul dealing with the people's demons

>>36025562

You're thinking like a sane person. From my short experience with paranoia, weird stuff sounds way more credible when you're in that "mode". It's like a major "BUT WHAT IF" thought that permeates everything you think of.

>>36025570
>But yeah, I guess I can bring it up at my next psychiatrist-meeting.

Do that. It'll help.

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>>36025584

You don't fool me.

>>36025599
not nick but i'm just saying it's not wrong to want attention and to want to feel special

>>36025599

You're so harsh on yourself, holy shit. Dude, you're way better than what you think of yourself, and those thoughts are not your own fault.

I'd read BPD symptoms, though maybe only a few things will match.

You have your place in this world, and in this thread too. First, we need to make you realise that you deserve to breathe, to take up space, to be with us.

You need attention, everyone does, and you have my attention, and I gladly give it to you.

Your problems are serious and are seriously preventing you from being happy. It doesn't matter how cool or uncool they seem.

>>36025620
>nick i have to say you're cool af, if i knew hot to draw i would draw you like a cool ass nigga detective of human soul dealing with the people's demons

Thank you! That does sound massically bad ass, I must say.

Maybe the artist anon in the thread can make your idea come true!

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>>36025690
Closest I can get to proving you're wrong fampai. I don't care about me, but stop bullying Facet

We're back. Pls talk to us individually.

>>36025790

Facet is not on it, so even if you were Facet, this wouldn't prove anything. What's your point? You'd need a post from Facet that doesn't get a (you) from me to prove anything, and that's very easy to doctor. Just a few pixels to remove.

Maybe you're trying to propose something so silly that I'd end up believing Facet can't possibly be this dumb and conclude that you can't be him, therefore, being some other anon, but I won't fall for that either.

Another reason why I think you're Facet is that Facet got awful quiet and all we hear is "you" arguing with me about whether or not you're Facet.

I hope you're OK, Facet man. I wonder what you'll think tomorrow.

>>36025900
this whole thing reminds me a lot about the movie split

>>36025900
This is me:
>>36025899
Pls don't hate me. I want to talk to you. If you would only talk to me - even via vocaroo - you would know it's me. Don't leave us alone I'm sorry

>>36025950
I refuse to see that movie because I think it would annoy/ upset me too much. For what it's worth though, Filth was very accurate and it really fucked me up

>>36025964
>Pls don't hate me.

I don't. Don't worry.

>If you would only talk to me - even via vocaroo - you would know it's me. Don't leave us alone I'm sorry

Read my words: saying no to one thing does NOT mean I'm leaving you. Do you understand?

We stay in touch no matter what. You can always write to me and I will always read and respond.

You are not alone.

(Maybe you're efficiently using the empathy route now, but I'd rather fall for it than risk hurting you, if you can ever fathom that thought.)

>>36025900
Your top post is replying to Facet, note the lack of (You). You're bottom post is replying to me, note the (You)

>>36025989
i saw it just because a friend of mine asked me to see it with her

We're all over the place and super distributed rn so. Pls to talk to us
1. A: Sensible
2. So: Female, -5 years
3.F: Predator
4. Sa: Religious

>>36023992
I suppose.
For the longest time I wanted to feel things, it became so painful eventually.
If benzos + atypicals are the only way for me to function, I'd rather stay broken. I'm used to this kind of bad.

>>36026049

Oh, OK. Still no serious evidence, but it doesn't matter.

I think Facet is gone enough that he could be you and not know it.

>>36026167
I'm here. No one else is me. Don't fuck with me, Nick.

>>36026154

Focus! I'm talking to A, the sensible one. That's you. That's the only real you there is; the others are modes.

Focus. Breathe, and make everyone be quiet while you do it.

I have zero idea of how to handle a case like this, but it's worth a shot.

>>36026167
I"m not Facet

>>36026204

Facet himself doesn't know who he is. Let's drop it, OK? I believe you, it's all fine.

I'm focusing on Facet now.

Update, Facetman?

>>36026274
No, focus on me now, I want attention. Facet's not even real, I made her up

>>36026337

Is this Facet pretending to be one of the alters?

Fuck, I don't even know what I'm asking anymore.

Facet, next time you're sane, you get a trip. You have the most unique reason to get a trip.

So who are you?

>>36026190
Alright. I'm a little bit messy but I'm here, I'm listening. You won't talk to me but I want to speak to you so here it is:
http://vocaroo.com/i/s09THfOmxRF

>>36019645
Something really strange is happening, you need a little bit backstory:

>5'4 ft. Manlet
>Was chubby/fat my whole life, lost an insane amount of weight around 15-17 even becoming fit for a while
>My older Sister is a Stacy and her girlfriends always said that I have a georgeous face.
>While I was thin some girls showed interest in me
>Back when I was 15 I accidently bumped into God Tier Stacy she smiled at me and said no problem (I'm so autistic I still remember this how sad)
>Now fat again and keep getting fatter
>23 year old
>Currently doing school and working (work as Forwarding Agent)
>Join new class
>19 guys, 2 ugly chicks thinking they are Stacies
>As always sit in the first line because no one sits there
>First day goes by as always full of normies, a guy behind me forced me into a small conversation
>break
>People go out to smoke and drink coffe I just keep sitting indoors
>Second day
>Everyone sitting
>SUDDENLY
>God Tier Stacy from my school joins the room
>Literally God Tier, one of those girls that look like God personally made their bodies
>Perfectly formed, incredible hot/beautiful, has a kind of Aura
>She for whatever reason started school a day later
>No place is free so she is forced to sit in the first row with me
>She let 1 place between us (Is this a sign? I mean she could obviously go for 2 places between? It's like this [ FP - X - FP - Y] FP being free place and X her and Y me)
>Seems very intelligent, participating in class, very knowledgable
>Whatever as school goes by first break again
>Goddess Stacy doesn't seem to have any interest in the people in my class
>Guys tried hitting on her during the hours with witty comments
>She doesn't give a fuck
>She also seems to not like the other 2 girls in the class (literally trailerpark hoes thinking they are hot)
>Extremly awkward situation in break because she knows me from seeing (we life close to each other)

PART 2 incoming

>>36026418
Who are YOU, Nick?

http://vocaroo.com/i/s09THTfOmxRF
Let's see if this works

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>>36026468

>mfw before clicking

>>36026468

It's not working for me.


(original post is originallfosjfoaa)

>>36026474

I'm always the same person. I use a trip for that reason.

>>36026599
I gave you a perfectly functional link. Someone is fucking with us. I'll send you an email

>>36026563

Colour me absolutely terrified.

It worked. You're giving me the creeps, man.

Facet, I get up in a few hours and will need to sleep very soon.

How are you handling this?

>>36026473
>I try hard as fuck to not even show a single sign of interest
>Always look straigh ahead
>Whole body freezing, trying to not even move my feet into her direction
>I do this so awkwardly that I think she noticed it
>I can see from the side of my eyes that she sometimes glares at me
>After trying to take books out of my bag without moving my body into her direction I saw her glaring at me and smirking (you can see that she tries to undepress her smirk)
>Tfw her smirk is cute as fuck
>Days go by after 4 days of school same situation
>She rarely goes out into the break(only to change her parking ticket)
>Mostly just chills inside with her iPhone
>I always wait for her to leave the room before I stand up and go home after school
>I don't even can take breaks when she sits in the row with me
>Need to go to toilet
>Feels like my piss sack is exploding
>My needs beat my autisimo and I pass her for the first time in 4 days
>After toilet I decide to grab a coffee
>FUCK
>Fucking hell Stacy is currently picking Coffee at the vendor
>She notices me from far away
>I walk like an autistic faggot looking down with large gaps between my steps
>It would fucking retarded if I suddenly change my direction
>Heartbeat +100
>Decide to just fuck it and go grab the coffee I wanted
>Wait behind her
>We the only one
>After she grabs her coffee she asks me out of nowhere: "Did I do something to you, what's the reason that you try to ignore me"
>FUCKING SHIT
>PANIC MODE
>What options do I have now?
>Tell her that I didn't mean to ignore her and that I just seem to have slept very bad in the last days
>"Ah okay lets go up now, breaks soon over"
>NANI?
>She just said lets go up like it's normal as fuck to walk to the class together
>As we walk up whole school glares at her body of art
>Sit down normal schools day continues
>Friday
>Join class
>I always come early as hell so I don't need to pass her
>FUCK
>She is already here (like 30minutes earlier before class starts)

PART 3 comin

>>36026679
But are you sure you're the same person every time? How do you know there aren't others occupying your body?

>>36026750
Pre-type long stories in the future

I re-sent it to your email address in order to confirm it, but I gather you already received it. So goes it. If nothing else, you have an idea how I sound. You'll know if someone else is faking in the future. Sleep well.

>>36026473
>>36026750

(Reading these, loving it, it's like some cool romantic animu story. Not done yet.)

>>36026783
>But are you sure you're the same person every time? How do you know there aren't others occupying your body?

Nobody else deals with this shit except me, every single time.

good night nick, i'm going, i will lurk more in you threads in the future :3
bye

>>36026863
>Nobody else deals with this shit except me, every single time.
Whatever you say, keep telling yourself that you crazy person

>>36025740
>I'd read BPD symptoms, though maybe only a few things will match
I lurked this thread for the past three nights before wanting to post and I read the links you dropped about BPD, wasn't aware of it before.

It sounds kinda accurate to me but I don't think I match enough to self diagnose myself with BPD. I get the frequent mood changes, content one day and crying the next etc. and insecure as heck when people don't respond to me. I worry they've stopped liking me and get very suspicious of whether the things they say are actually sincere or not. I become very clingy to people that show me attention.

I mostly feel that everyone is better than me and I have no value as a human to offer anybody and it makes me feel insecure a lot and want to crave attention sometimes. I often feel surprised and question myself why people want to be my friend when I'm so boring and uninteresting.

>>36026819

It worked and I also received the e-mail later on.

I have voice recognition. You do sound as terrifying as I imagined.

I have a very male-sounding voice, for my part. Very bassy. It's my tool of the trade, after all. I might do some vocaroo in future.

>or just use a trip too

>>36026931
>I don't think I match enough to self diagnose myself with BPD.

Doesn't matter, it gives you an idea of the problematic and its related solutions.

Even if you only have one trait, you can use similar ways to handle it and understanding it always helps.

>people-pleaser
>codependent
>victim of narc abuse
>healthy boundaries

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I must instantly go to bed.

Head still hurts from nearly fainting yesterday.

Good night everyone!

today i got 3rd wheeled, again. all my norman friends were normaning out and having a good time and eventually formed 2 little mini circles of normans with their own convos with me just stuck in the middle

i almost wanted to cry when i realized how sad i looked just sitting between these 2 groups of people having fun.
helps me understand why any of my crushes wouldn't have worked out anyways tho so that's ok

>>36027024
whoops forgot to name myself

>>36026750
>I say good morning
>She also says good morning
>Sit down
>Fuck only 1 other guy is sitting here already
>She asks me if I know her
>Said that we were in the same school
>I act like I don't remember but say that her face looks familiar
>Laughs and asks me if I did the homework
>Asks me some questions about it
>"Thanks anon"
>I act chill but her charm already took my heart and soul
>Know that she is probably just toying with me
>She 100% knows that I'm an autistic loser
>Probably sees me as some kind of pet for her fun
>Remember the wise words of r9k and all Stacies are whores
>I do my shit again and try to ignore her
>She notices it and after breaks start asks me if I slept bad again
>I shortly answer "Yes" (felt like a total asshole)
>She FUCKING asks me if we want to grab coffee
>REMEMBER R9K REMEMBER THE ROBOTS WISE WORDS
>"Nah sorry"
>She smirks (god it looks so cute)
>Come on, don't act like that lets grab some coffee
>Stacies charme was effective
>"Why not"
>As we go out the hallways as always all guys glare at her
>Some even whistling after her
>Guys literally gawking on here in the most obvious ways
>While grabing coffee she asks me if I used to go to ANON Fitness
>Think it's over how the fuck can she ask a guy that was fat his whole life, lost weight and now gained over 40kg if he used to go to ANON Fitness
>Probably will start to mock me now
>I answer yeah I had a time during my teenage years
>(Background Information: Due to my obvious stalking in the last years about her I know that she frequently visits fitness, there is a reason she has a goddess body)
>Gently laughes (not too heavy like a stronger smirk, gets those cute laughter lines, fucking CUTE CUTE!!)
>Out of nowhere "why did you stop?"
>FUCK
>This is the question that I still can't anwer today
>My depression took over me, crazy shit happened in my life, but I know you should no one tell this about you
>I say that I don't know desu

FINAL PART INCOMING

>>36027109
>She looks at me and I can see something in her yes that I never saw in my whole life
>I can't express it, it was like she straigh went into my head telling me to start working out and that things will get better
>Like she knows exactly whats wrong with me
>So these are the powers of a Goddess Level Stacy
>She says "Oh, ok!", but her eyes and the awkward pause in the conversation show that she tried to bring a message accross
>We walk into class again, do our stuff
>School ends she says have a nice weekend
>I thank and greet her
>School break started I will work now and see her in 2 weeks again when school starts
>Literally can't stop thinking about her
>Fucking Stacy successfully planet her in my head
>Fall into depression and selfpitty what a fucking loser I am and all the usual r0b0 stuff


I can't fucking rate her, normies are usually easy people, I immediately know what kind of person they are and what they think but this fucking Stacy is so mysterious, I have no clue how to think about her. She has this mysterious vibes, fucking not human.

Can someone give me tips, what's your though? There is no fucking way she can have interest in me, she is a fuckin goddess. (And I mean a literally 11/10)


But here is something interesting, she deleted all her social media in the last 3 months before joining my class. (t.stalker) And I know that she officialy just had 1 boyfriend she was together with about 3 years and broke up with him because he turned into a fucking techno junkie.

Any ideas?

>>36027109

Nick reading from bed on phone. Can't sleep before I know how this ends.

>>36027321
Eat Her Ass Man

Posted this in earlier depression thread but it died.

I've been depressed since my teenage years (mid-late 20s now) and it has been getting progressively worse. I used to be in a really, really bad place economically and socially and thought those were the main reasons behind it. I started treatment, forced myself to work for a better future and started improving my situation.

It did fuck all. I've cut away all my friends and family and turn down all opportunities to reconnect or make new relations. I know it's wrong, and I have a guilty conscience because of it, but I don't want to spend time with them. They're decent people, but I absolutley abhor having to force myself to go over to someone and hang out. I've turned down invites to parties just to sit at home and drink alone, opted out of every family gathering and holiday celebration. What bothers me isn't "missing out", because I DO have a better time by myself, but because everybody becomes so fucking irritable when you say no over and over. I'm afraid that this "phase" will pass one day and by then no one will be left in my life.

I don't feel any particular love or affection towards anyone, only obligations that I keep breaking which in turn bogs down on my conscience. I can't have relationships because I hate intimacy and I can't handle that level of dependence and emotional investment. I don't feel like I have anything keeping me from killing myself, but I don't have any particular reason to do it either. I am low as hell and generally feel weird and distant, but I can't say for sure death is going to be better. I'm not exactly in agony or anything or experience traumatizing episodes like those with real mental issues.

Though I'm working towards a new profession, my current work is almost too much. I am so socially detached and emotionally distant from everyone and I have never said a non-job related word to my colleagues despite having been there for years. Just saying "hi" and "goodbye" is exhausting

>>36027321

Either you are lucky or you are the next victim of a covert narc. Study red flags. A lot. Go for it, she already has your soul.

I will want to know how this evolves.

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>>36027321
it sounds to me like she's accustomed to attention. since you ignored her at first (while other males tried to pursue her) she might think you are a different kind of man and might have had, as a result, took an interest to you. im not saying she's interested in being your gf, just that she is interested in you. she might want to be your friend since you seemed sexually and romantically uninterested in her

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One of the stresses in my life is my love interest. I'm very dependent on him, despite not wanting to be. I don't really believe someone can love me, but he's there for me and is always so sweet. He asked me out and I got flustered, but he said he understands.

Whenever he says something lovey dovey or does something involving PDA I get snappy and tell him to shut up or something else rude. It just happens instinctively.

I'm very guarded and he knows this. I don't think I'll ever be able to function in a relationship, but I don't want to lose him. What do I do?