Psychological Issues #21

Not looking like a bad day today. Persona 5 is out. That's the game where you change masks along with your personality in order to access different attributes. Did some cooking in preparation. Grilled tiger prawn salad, barbecue and chilli wings, and a rack of ribs. Mostly for the benefit of the woman whom I live with. So there you are. Pure benevolence.

>>35994584
>change masks along with your personality in order to access different attributes
Probably BPD

>>35994584
>Pure benevolence.

Really now...

Sounds like good stuff, foodwise.

On my end, I almost fainted in a supermarket and feared I'd faint at work for the rest of the afternoon. Also had to hide to gag in secret before entering certain parts of my workplace.

A bad day,

>>35994620

Not probably, but BPD is almost the least of Facet's problems.

>>35994620
Perhaps, given other aspects of the whole thing. Not sure that's quite right though. In any case that's only the main character though; he lacks a centralised identity of his own and so they come and go. The other characters must face their shadow selves and embrace them in order to realise their potential. Jung stuff.

>>35994640
That sounds rough. What prompted that? Did something set you off?

>>35994443
The only time in my whole life I've felt good about myself is when I was on the tail end of a hypomanic episode.

It wasn't that crazy at that point, I was just getting a lot of stuff done and I was aware of my problems but they didn't seem insurmountable.

Now, I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just how I should be feeling. I know I shouldn't feel good about my situation (24, dropped out of uni twice, only had a handful of shitty jobs. Currently employed but haven't worked in 2 weeks, living at home with mum who is getting sick of me, drinking problem) but I'm having a hard time working out if this is situational or if I am just as completely fucked as I think I am.

I feel like everything I've done has been shit and my life has flipped to the point where I can't concieve of anything positive that has come from me and me alone. Anything I previously thought was a positive seems like I was just pretending to be someone I'm not.

Sorry for the wall of text but my question is; how do I get a decent perception of how I should be feeling? I'm full of regrets and my self esteem is at zero but l'm having a hard time trusting my perception.

>>35994681

Wait, persona 5 is new? (I wish we had italics enabled here...)

>>35994681
>That sounds rough. What prompted that? Did something set you off?

I met a friend of my loved one, and we hadn't seen each other since the separation. Talking about her and the situation did me in. I'm not quite sure, but it happened before. Blood starts leaving my head, I know way in advance that I'll faint if I don't do something.

>that awkward moment when you must tell someone you're about to just faint

I had to sit down in a supermarket. I'm not at ease in public places, but when this happens, YOU'RE ON. Another customer was a nurse and started helping, taking my pulse; the friend was super nice and bought me some pastery to get my sugar level up, and a staff member came to inquire and brought me water with sugar. I was helped a lot. I sat against against the meat section and tried to recuperate. I almost lost my speech at some point.

world is a fuck

I am the trashman

6 bajillion dead cops

>>35994722
>Now, I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just how I should be feeling.

It's one and the same. Depression is a reaction. The situation probably affects you more than you realise, and perhaps you don't realise the whole of it yet.

>I feel like everything I've done has been shit and my life has flipped to the point where I can't concieve of anything positive that has come from me and me alone. Anything I previously thought was a positive seems like I was just pretending to be someone I'm not.

Definitely more to the situation than you realise. Deeper issues, much to dig.

>Sorry for the wall of text but my question is; how do I get a decent perception of how I should be feeling? I'm full of regrets and my self esteem is at zero but l'm having a hard time trusting my perception.

You dig up the past and look at it from an adult point of view.

We can try.

>>35994783
Thanks. So introspection is in order? I feel like that's all I've been doing and it's just making me feel sick.

>>35994754
Yes, it's out today. Or rather, tomorrow is when it hits the shelves.

I'm sorry that that happened to you. It's excellent that people were so helpful. I've found the same in the past. I once collapsed in a supermarket, but that was part of a scheme to be fair. That you were affected so profoundly sounds rather extreme. Do these things happen with any frequency? You seemed to be indicating that it is regular enough that you can detect the signs after all.

>>35994895

Not just introspection. If you've done a lot of it, let's try something else.

Let's try your parents.

i heard you're autistic (and possibly a virgin) if you get tingles from ASMR, is that true?

>>35994916
My dad left my mum when I was about 10, he's an officer in the army, very highly respected and competent. Very structured in his life.

My mum went to bits when he left and basically was depressed for years, let our house go to shit but still made sure we had everything we needed almost to a fault. She put our needs above hers almost as a soothing mechanism.

We were spoiled but always polite and well-behaved. I hated being spoiled for as long as I can remember because it made me feel incompetent.

I live with my mum now and we get along okay, although she is increasingly frustrated with my inertia and self- doubt. She's incredibly neurotic and can't handle stress.

>>35994901
>I once collapsed in a supermarket, but that was part of a scheme to be fair.

This guy... I just can't imagine you existing in real life.

>That you were affected so profoundly sounds rather extreme.

I am extreme in my emotions and thoughts. I didn't even really feel that emotionally moved at the time, but somehow, this happened.

>Do these things happen with any frequency?

Completely situational. I once fully fainted in a bookshop while talking to a female friend from High School; I was so shy at the time that I didn't even do anything about my incoming fainting. I just stuck to the convo all the way through. I couldn't even SEE at some point, vision had gone completely white. Then I just collapsed.

The last time I fainted, before today, was in front of Buffalo Bill. I fainted from sitting on a table, and crashed on the floor. She talked to me like I was shit when I came to. I was astonished, because I had no idea she was capable of such cruelty. Virtually as though she had no empathy whatsoever.

>You seemed to be indicating that it is regular enough that you can detect the signs after all.

Regular, no, but familiar, yes. I had other instances where I stopped the fainting. At a school exam, on a train (where I had to drop down to the floor).

There's almost always a female involved. Other times I just vomit.

>>35994927

Probably not.

ASMR makes me feel ticklish and I'm neither an austist nor a virgin.

Reminds me of the days when I wanted to help the wizards of that chan whose name I forget now. I got permabanned on my first post, because I wanted to read the rules right after I started a thread. Didn't know you weren't allowed to say you had a girlfriend or that you weren't a virgin.

>>35995005
maybe you are infact an autistic virgin and this is just an illusion

PLEASE WAKE UP

>>35994981
>Very structured in his life.

Is this a healthy way of being structured or is this to compensate lack of something else? For example: people who don't want to think about the reason for choices tend to be extremely rigid to codes and habits so they never have to wonder.

>My mum went to bits when he left and basically was depressed for years

Can't be good for you. Did you ever have to act like an adult to her?

>She put our needs above hers almost as a soothing mechanism.

Do you feel as though she wanted to focus on you rather than on her own personal problems as a means to escape?

>We were spoiled but always polite and well-behaved. I hated being spoiled for as long as I can remember because it made me feel incompetent.

First serious red flag. Trust your feelings. You were made to feel incompetent. Can you give an example?

>She's incredibly neurotic and can't handle stress.

Examples. The more details the better.

>>35995046

I wish.


origjreiogrwoigwiogwoeughewghwegwgw

>>35995065
>
Is this a healthy way of being structured or is this to compensate lack of something else? For example: people who don't want to think about the reason for choices tend to be extremely rigid to codes and habits so they never have to wonder.

It's healthy but I'm sure he feels some guilt about leaving my mum

>Can't be good for you. Did you ever have to act like an adult to her?

Not really, if anything she shielded us from how she was feeling. There were times when she wouldn't speak to us for days though over minor infractions. I think at times she lived too much through us, I felt responsible for her emotions.

>Do you feel as though she wanted to focus on you rather than on her own personal problems as a means to escape?

Yes to an extent. Although I also could sense that she didn't like that about herself, I felt very in tune with her emotions almost to the point where I was unsure of what mine were.

>First serious red flag. Trust your feelings. You were made to feel incompetent. Can you give an example?

Just buying us things when we didn't really want or need them then beating herself up about it. For example I'd go into a shop and look at a toy or whatever, like children do, and she'd buy it for us then go silent because she resented spoiling us. I hated it and hated that I allowed her to buy me things like that.

>Examples. The more details the better.
It was more like avoidance, she would let things in our house get overgrown, damaged etc. and not fix them.

She has a hard time accepting other peoples viewpoints/lifestyles. She says she just doesn't want to feel stress but a lot of the time her behaviour causes it.

That isn't to say that I haven't been a piece of shit, I've said horrible things and she has bailed me out on multiple occasions. A lot of parents would have kicked me out by now so I am thankful towards her.

Nick read your email pls

>>35995263
>Not really, if anything she shielded us from how she was feeling.

I doubt it worked. Did it? Were you unaware of how she felt?

>There were times when she wouldn't speak to us for days though over minor infractions.

This is worse than you know. This is one of the worst things you can do to a person.

> I think at times she lived too much through us, I felt responsible for her emotions.

More red flags. Living through you as if you were mere extensions of her, and you feeling responsible for her sounds like parentification, a form of abuse like the rest here, where you are made to feel like you're responsible for your parent.

All of these things are pretty heavy.

>I felt very in tune with her emotions almost to the point where I was unsure of what mine were.

Goddam, this is becoming textbook. Confused boundaries, unclear egos, etc. Very, very textbook, anon, good job here. I'll explain later.

>Just buying us things when we didn't really want or need them then beating herself up about it.

Bad gifts and passive aggression, red flags also.

> and she'd buy it for us then go silent because she resented spoiling us. I hated it and hated that I allowed her to buy me things like that.

Covert abuse that a child cannot see as such, even as an adult, it's not easy. Your mother was an adult, she should have either bought the toy and be happy she made you a gift, or not buy it and be OK, or actually know what you really wanted, by, maybe, asking.

There's a lot that isn't right in this shizzle.

>It was more like avoidance, she would let things in our house get overgrown, damaged etc. and not fix them.

Also a form of abuse.

>She has a hard time accepting other peoples viewpoints/lifestyles. She says she just doesn't want to feel stress but a lot of the time her behaviour causes it.

Oh lawd...

>>35995263


>That isn't to say that I haven't been a piece of shit, I've said horrible things and she has bailed me out on multiple occasions. A lot of parents would have kicked me out by now so I am thankful towards her.

And that's the sad thing.

Read this and report back.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

>>35995277

I'm on my way, just doing ten million things at once and prioritising the thread, but worry not, I'll get to it.

>>35995394
This is all stuff I've discussed before with my Dad, part of the reason he left.

I've also discussed it to an extent with my mum and she's admitted that she's fucked up in the past and 'did too much for us' but that I should grow up and put it behind me now, which I agree with.

I just feel like an incompetent child at this point. Really a feeling of incompetence is the main source of my self-hatred. I feel like whatever I do, I will be outed as an incompetent child and largely it comes true.

I want to put myself out there but in some ways, I don't want to inflict my incompetence on other people.

That isn't to say, I'm not without blame. I know I have free will and I've procrastinated myself into holes at more times than I can remember and been an ungrateful, self-centered, arrogant shit.

>>35995404
I've read this before and some of it applies. I just think at this point in my life I should be able to put all this stuff behind me, I'm tired of dwelling on it. Everybody makes mistakes and I feel like I'm too old to be tied to this stuff.

>And that's the sad thing
in what way?

>>35995496
>'did too much for us' but that I should grow up and put it behind me now, which I agree with.

It's one way to put it, but one way that makes her look like the good mother whose only fault was to "be too good", and quite frankly, I don't buy it. It's probably too soon for you to see that, but we shall see.

The rest of that is really about making you feel guilty, inferior, and it invalidates your feelings, where the truth hides, to make sure that you suppress them. I see nothing good about any of this, anon.

>I just feel like an incompetent child at this point.

You've been both infantalised and parentified, anon, both of which are forms of psychological abuse with very clear consequences for you.

>Really a feeling of incompetence is the main source of my self-hatred. I feel like whatever I do, I will be outed as an incompetent child and largely it comes true.

These are the consequences of psychological abuse. It's especially vicious and insidious in that it's invisible to you, for now. For some people, they never realise. It took me decades and nuclear explosions in my life to see through the bullshit. For now, trust me: it wasn't your fault. It's not your fault now. You've been wounded and now have wounds. It's not your personality. You're resisting as best as you can.

>I don't want to inflict my incompetence on other people.

You are not incompetent and normal people will not be so harsh and manipulative as your mother.

>That isn't to say, I'm not without blame. I know I have free will and I've procrastinated myself into holes at more times than I can remember and been an ungrateful, self-centered, arrogant shit.

Another consequence of vicious psychological abuse is that the target feels responsible for everything and, therefore hates themselves, as you do here. Relax, anon, you are much less responsible than you know. You didn't do this to yourself. Don't confuse this with taking actions, which you did by coming here and talking about it.

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>>35995580
>I've read this before and some of it applies.

Read more about covert narcs. Your mother is the sly sort, like my own mother. Much worse than grandiose narcs, who can't hide for very long.

> I just think at this point in my life I should be able to put all this stuff behind me,

That's not how it works: your brain is now wired for certain thoughts and processes, and that's what you're dealing with now. "Putting things behind" is a completely different thing. You can't put your current brain behind. You need to go back, understand things as they were, reprogram your mind, and only then can you move on. It's not about having a grudge, it's about solving problems that exist right now. This involves seeing the past for what it was. There may be a lot of work to do, but nobody's asking you to take revenge on anyone.

The sad thing was that you were being targeted, and you feel responsible for the abuse, much like rape victims who feel guilty for it, although it's "worse" for you in that you don't realise someone abused you yet. You internalised it all and made it your fault, so you hate yourself for feeling this way. It's not your fault.

>>35994982
>There's almost always a woman involved
This is interesting. I know you've had many problems with your parents - however, was your mother the more egregious in some way?

>Buffalo Bill
I had been wondering about her gender, given the choice of name. Hadn't she been particularly cruel prior to this point?

>I was so shy at the time that I didn't even do anything about my incoming fainting
This is difficult to appreciate. Being too prideful to want to admit a faint coming and losing face in front of someone I can understand, but shyness? I suppose the outcome would be more or less the same though.

>I didn't even really feel that emotionally moved at the time, but somehow, this happened.
That in itself is telling. It would tend to imply that you were trying to suppress your emotions in order to contain the situation. However, given their intensity you instead succumbed. Still, I doubt that this is news to you. For someone powerfully moved by his emotions, pushing them down isn't always viable.

>>35995746
>however, was your mother the more egregious in some way?

My mother is the one I found out to be a demon last, much later than my father, whom I always knew was "off", but only thought he had the Asp. It dawned on me that my mother was doing things no other mother does, so I thought twice about it and slowly figured it out. I had always suspected her of being the brain.

She always portrayed herself as some martyr who did everything for others, but in reality, it was all for herself. She had it good while pretending to be selfless.

Even now, my father tries to take the heat away from her because he too probably believes her bullshit, or knows and is such a docile lapdog that he'll do whatever she says. It's hard to understand how narcs scheme together, really.

>>35995746
>I had been wondering about her gender, given the choice of name. Hadn't she been particularly cruel prior to this point?

Buffalo Bill, only because of the movie. She fits that character in how I saw our triangle: I'm Clarisse, you're Lecter, I'm trying to understand Buffalo Bill who's out there and out of reach, capitalising on the idea that you and her have things in common, but I am not sure about it.

Yes, she had been cruel. She also told me she now felt the same hatred for me as she had felt for her own parents. Suddenly, I was in the same team as child molesters, though I had done nothing (bar the things she imagines I did).

>>35995746
>This is difficult to appreciate. Being too prideful to want to admit a faint coming and losing face in front of someone I can understand, but shyness?

I didn't want to bother the person I was speaking with with something as outlandish as being about to faint, essentially. It amounts to that: I didn't want to bother her.

Raised the way I have been, I felt bad for breathing, as if I didn't deserve to, as if I had to ask for permission for it, and even then, I'd feel bad for breathing someone's air. That's the blueprint in my brain.

I've worked on it a lot, but it's an effort I have to make. "Fuck it, I'm breathing air now, there's no reason, other people haven't worked harder for it, everyone can breathe, everyone deserves to take up space, others and me along."

>>35995746
>It would tend to imply that you were trying to suppress your emotions in order to contain the situation.

Maybe. It caught me by surprise because things just went tits up. I wasn't crying or anything of the sort. Human interaction usually has a huge impact on me.

>For someone powerfully moved by his emotions, pushing them down isn't always viable.

I'm not even sure I was doing that. I feel rather in tune with how I feel, since I feel so much. Maybe there's too much most of the time, though.

I wonder what that sort of fainting is close to. I did feel derealised hardcore again, when I was sitting on the floor. I'm not entirely sure people normally derealise when they faint.

I see those fainting episodes as less innocent than I used to.

>>35995598
>>35995689
Thanks, I'm going to have think through this stuff again but that's a bit of pressure off.

I admit, I'm still not 100 percent but one thing that sways my opionion is that I wouldn't be logically acting like this if it wasn't for a reason. I know what I want but I'm just not working towards it.

>>35995855
For that parallel to work, you would need to have a goal. What does it mean for you to 'catch' her?

What did she believe that you had done wrong? What do you know of her parents? Bear in mind, the elements that bind you to them in her thought processes may well be innocuous. For example, you might like a similar movie or musical artist, sit in a similar way, wear a comparable piece of clothing. It could be something as small as that. The more you know about them, the better. Unless you know why she associates you with them already?

>>35995907
I can definitely see why Bill was drawn to you. that pattern of behaviour is exactly right for someone who wants to take your life as their own. To have someone subordinated and controllable; who lacks the will to disobey. A perfect complement - though as you found out, it's entirely parasitic. It's important for the power balance to be tipped totally in the predator's favour, ideally so that you're left feeling totally worthless and dependent, and she - or I - am able to cast you aside because you're replaceable and without value. It's no wonder she was disgusted when you inconvenienced her. You were never supposed to have needs at all.

>>35996032

I'm glad this helps. I think my posts to you are my finest bits of helping in some time.

It will take time before you see through the veil. You'll feel like you got out of a cult, seriously. When I understood, I went to see my parents, possibly for the last time, on a mission to observe. I had read about narcs for weeks by then. Then I saw. All of it. Each trick, each deception, each lie, each smug smirk, each attempt at making me feel like shit, manipulating me through guilt and the rest. It was all there, was nasty, it was low, lame. I suddenly realised my parents were monsters and I had never seen them the way they were, for all these years. I was putting clown noses on dragons and vampires.

It won't be obvious at first, and your mother wont fit all the signs.

We'll work it out.

>>35996053
>For that parallel to work, you would need to have a goal. What does it mean for you to 'catch' her?

I don't intend to catch her. I just want to understand, though, admittedly, I care less and less. I think my movie will stop at the basement labyrinth, stuck in the dark.

>What did she believe that you had done wrong?

Primarily, that I had abandoned her, although it was only a reaction to HER having done something I understood as abandoning ME. No logical efforts were able to change how she felt about that. Once something was felt, for her, it became a fact and nothing you could say or do made a difference. I later realised this was very BPD. As many other things.

>What do you know of her parents?

All I know is that they "abandoned" her, were most likely abusive, drunkards, and God knows what else. The first time I asked, she only said, "I don't know what my parents are." We never touched the subject much after that. We intended to but I waited for her to start. Back then, I had no idea I myself had such an abusive past.

>Unless you know why she associates you with them already?

Only connection I see is that after hating her parents so much, she barred all humans from ever getting close to her. Because I'm uniquely attuned to people's needs, and I actually care, I was allowed in where no one else had ever been (in theory), not since her parents, in infancy, and anything that looked like betrayal on my end instantly made me join the villains' team.

>>35996053
>I can definitely see why Bill was drawn to you. that pattern of behaviour is exactly right for someone who wants to take your life as their own.

She wanted to cook for me as a way to have a connection to how I was physically constituted, since the food you eat becomes a part of you. I thought that was just romantic, until my therapist said it was a bit more than that. Stuff Buffalo said, when repeated to my therapist, showed me I didn't see things as they were, but solely in their own context, as understood by the person who said it. I adopt the other person's beliefs, references, much like a therapist, except I have no boundaries and, until therapy, didn't quite realise I adopted the other's reality and relinquished my own.

I have no joy in life, all I ever am is angry anymore, I have no motivation to succeed.

>>35996053
>To have someone subordinated and controllable; who lacks the will to disobey.

I was never given orders and showed "rebellion" early on, at which point things changed. It may be one reason why I was devalued then discarded, but that's the narc theory, rather than the BPD one. I juggle with both, because I still don't know.

>You were never supposed to have needs at all.

That's how it felt. She was also very reluctant to show weaknesses, whereas I was eager to, since, to me, that's how you trust someone. Probably, the more weakness I showed, the les she thought of me. I don't know.

>>35996230

Check BPD:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

>>35996206
>I adopt the other person's beliefs, references, much like a therapist, except I have no boundaries and, until therapy, didn't quite realise I adopted the other's reality and relinquished my own.
That receptiveness is in itself quite BPD. That malleable sense of identity.
>She was also very reluctant to show weaknesses, whereas I was eager to, since, to me, that's how you trust someone.
Or more likely, dependent personality disorder. Always considered the other half of the folie-a-deux of a narcissistic relationship.

>Probably, the more weakness I showed, the les she thought of me. I don't know.
For what it's worth, you were behaving as she wanted. Whether or not she was conscious of that at the time. The shit-testing abandonment play that led to her casting you off is typical BPD. I've come up with some real shit in the past. Pretending to cheat, cheating, lying about one when it was the other, demanding an answer as to whether they'd let me kill their parents (whom they love) and so on. Love has to be unconditional and that's definitely not reciprocated.

>>35996398
>That receptiveness is in itself quite BPD. That malleable sense of identity.

I do have some symptoms of it.

>derealisation
>feelings are way over the top when it comes to relationships
>used to self-harm

>Or more likely, dependent personality disorder.

I'm not so sure. At the time, it was more like she depended on me than otherwise. She was way more into me than I into her, originally. And I wanted to help. Really. I thought she was amazing and deserved to be helped. So I did my best.

No good deed goes unpunished.

>The shit-testing abandonment play that led to her casting you off is typical BPD.

Often, she'd do something, I'd react to it, and she'd act as if my reaction was the first thing, essentially saying all the things I could have said myself while being more justified. To this day, I am confused as to whether it was all a crazy plan or a massive BPD fuckup on her part.

The uncanny thing is that a lot of what she said made no sense as from her to me, but makes a world of meaning if I reverse the roles: as though she was telling me what I should have told her. Like she was trying to make me believe I was doing what she was doing, as if she couldn't bear the responsibility of anything, while insinuating that I was dodging my own responsibilities.

>>35996533
Sometimes, you're not always sure when you're planning or not. Honestly, these things become second nature to the extent that you're no longer aware you're doing them. I've confronted others about doing exactly the same and they've looked baffled. I'm still not convinced one way or the other whether or not most people don't operate in the same way, or if others are simply less aware of it. Things like guilt trips for example are very transparent and quite prevalent. So I tend to believe that others do play games as well, albeit unconsciously.

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I was in your first thread. Mother who didn't unconditionally love me and abusive sister. I was angry and hopeless at the time. idk if u remember me

Anyway I'm back to tell you I'm not really angry anymore. After several mood swings I've ended up lethargic.

I do not care for anything or anyone anymore. I simply live to be alive, be it in misery or happiness. How do I overcome my chronic depression and dullness and become happy?

My everlasting thoughts plague me. I think about my life all time. Even if I am focusing on work or whatever I am always haunted by these existential thoughts. How do I make it stop?

>>35996773

I'd say you're still dealing with all of this stuff, but probably not in the most efficient way.

You won't be at peace until you handle the situation with efficacy.

How do you feel about seeing a therapist?

>>35996857
>How do you feel about seeing a therapist?
I've thought about it, even more these last couple of weeks.

But I don't know how to do it. I have a fear of being labeled "inadequate".

>>35996892
>I have a fear of being labeled "inadequate".

How do you mean? You're scared the therapist will tell you, "Sorry, it looks like you don't need me." Is that it?

Good grief, those soy and diet coke ribs were divine. I've outdone myself here. Worth the 2h30 prep time.

>>35996965
No ,no. I am afraid of being diagnosed.

I don't want to be labeled.

>>35996972
>diet coke ribs

O_o

What?

>>35997010

OK, friend, whether you're diagnosed or not, something is already the matter with you, just, it's not mapped.

A map will help you understand the problem better. You won't be stigmatised. The map is not the land, it'll never quite be all that simple, but it's a model you can use to explore solutions.

I'm eager for a diagnosis but my therapist never mentions it. Been going to her since early January. 2 to 3 hours a week.

No reason to be scared, friend. Do go, find someone nice, you'll see, it's not what you may fear. Find someone who has human reactions to what you tell them. Extremely important. Avoid poker face therapists.

>>35997021
I'll put a picture in the thread if you like. Off-topic I know, but they're pretty good.

>>35997063

Posters are the topic here. Post away.

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>>35997175
I do enjoy cooking. It's a valuable skill. It's nice to see people enjoy it. Not to mention, it's a fair way to demonstrate value. I never have the motivation to cook only for myself.

>>35997266
>I never have the motivation to cook only for myself.

I almost cry whenever I cook now. It's only for me. It's disheartening. My loved one was a great cook. She loved to cook. She loved to feed me. She's the reason why I started wondering why my mother thought she was a great cook even though her food was shit, and why my mother could only complain about having to cook, how hard it was, etc, whereas my loved one just wanted to cook more and stuff me up.

So, you poured diet coke on this?

>>35997409
It sounds as though my reasons for cooking and hers are equivalent.

Anyway, the ribs are first boiled in a mix of diet coke, onion, garlic and various herbs and spices over about 1h30. After that the ribs are removed and the liquid boiled down to half volume. The veg is then removed, soy sauce and tomato concentrate and a few other herbs are added, and then it's poured over the ribs in the roasting dish you see. Then, every 15-20 minutes the liquid is poured back over the meat. The meat is also flipped every second basting. Eventually it soaks in and becomes sticky. When almost no liquid remains, the dish is complete.

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>>35997511
>It sounds as though my reasons for cooking and hers are equivalent.

Buffalo Bill is also a great cook, I imagine. In a similar vein (if that idiom exists in English, I'm not sure), she wanted to buy me a shower brush, because she wanted to have some intimate connection to me this way. It made sense to me, but I realise, with therapy, that it's a bit... Off.

>mfw I realise you're a savvy cook, just like... pic related

>>35997511

Nice recipe. Your own?

I had never heard of diet coke used in cooking meat.

>get call from friend to get drunk
>have a few
>get pizza
>him and some guy driving a ford start arguing about the right of access with pedestrians
>go back to his
>decides he wants to drink drive to mine
>try coerce him out of it but no use
>manages to make it except for reversing into a tree when he was parking
>have a few
>he wants to drink drive again
>this time on a 15km drive to his other friends place
>wat
>he can't work his headlights
>eventually gets there
>gets his other friend to drive him back to mine
>asks to borrow my backpack
>takes all the beer in the mini fridge
>takes lighter
>drives off
Life is strange.

>>35997605
It's more commonly done with chicken, actually. I hadn't tried it before, but thought it was worth a try. The dish is surprisingly low fat too.

>>35997579
We do have the same idiom. That business of having items to create a sense of omnipresence is also something I've done and continue to do. It's effective, as I'm sure you've found.

Ha, you have a point there. However, I'm not keen on red wine.
>I ate his ribs with some skin-on chips and a Diet Coke
just doesn't sound the same

>>35997715

You need better friends.

How come I get punished with 16 seconds of silence now, as opposed as 2 before? I thought this wasn't permanent. Will I forever be punished with 16 seconds now?

And why the fuck can't we post duplicates anyway? It's ridiculous. Also, I wish we could use letters with accents too, and that we could have some italics as well. Ranting to pass my 16 seconds of punishment.

>>35997737
>just doesn't sound the same

Indeed, but I am not sure it's any less frightening, in fact.

>I'll eat your penis, but not before I cooked it with diet coke.

>>35997823
I can't disagree. My "friends" only hang around me for booze or drugs. This particular friend has issues. I try to help him but if he can't help himself then there's really no point to it.

There's always this feeling when I'm in groups that I'm on the back burner and only there just to be there. Many times, I've been ditched.

>>35998005

Ditch'em. Not only do they use you, but you accept it, and they endanger your very life. At least die because of the stupidity of good friends, not dickbags who don't give a shit.

Broke all the furniture in my bedroom in a temper tantrum, now I don't know how to hide my bruised knuckles or what to say to people when they notice them, so I'm hesitant to go to class. Only been to a dozen classes beside exams since new years. Fear that my isolation is going to have me kicked out of uni
Also, I fear that I won't sort out these recent anger issues and will end up a deadbeat wife-beater, so I'm not sure if I ever wanna marry at all.

>>35998273
>my bruised knuckles

If you have any female friends, ask for foundation matching your skin tone.

>been there, done that, makeup is fucking amazing

Check BPD.

>>35998329
>makeup
That's fucking brilliant, thanks!
>BPD
My dad is likely bipolar, but never bothered to get diagnosed, so it's not unthinkable that might be it.
I feel like my therapist is ripping me off. She goes into lecture mode and regurgitates pseudoscience like it's indisputable facts. She doesn't want to say I'm correct when I'm pretty much just repeating what she says. Also, she tried to overcharge me. She isn't licensed, the only reason I went to her in the first place was for a good price and my old doctor said she was good.

>>35998521
>That's fucking brilliant, thanks!

I'm good advice, aren't I?

My loved one helped me with this, when she was here. She chose the right tone. I applied that shit daily for 2 weeks. Take the stuff with you, because the forming scab makes it get weird over the day. May need to retouch it every now and then. Hides very, very well.

>>35998521
>My dad is likely bipolar,

Did his mood swings last for months?

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I cant for some fucking reason be friendly to people, whenever someone sits next to me in class i get kinda angry and not comfortable, literally can't stand sitting next to someone. Same goes for usual chats and everything, i just usually fiddle with something or pay attention to the class, fully ignoring their attempts to speak with me.

>>35998521
>She goes into lecture mode and regurgitates pseudoscience like it's indisputable facts.

Offer me some examples.

>doesn't want to say I'm correct when I'm pretty much just repeating what she says.

Huge red flag.

> Also, she tried to overcharge me.

Red sea.

>She isn't licensed, the only reason I went to her in the first place was for a good price and my old doctor said she was good.

Get the fuck out. You're literally better off skyping with me than with an unlicensed cunt who overcharges you and thinks she's the shit.

Holy shit, run. At this rate, pay me half what she asks and I'll do it, and do it better.

>>35998665

Describe what you feel when someone tries to speak to you; explain the reasons if you can.

>>35998783
I kinda feel agitated or just angered by them speaking, jokes i would usually find funny aren't funny, i don't want to talk, etc. Kinda feel like i am sleeping and someone is just waking me up with ice water

>>35998665

By the way, I'm paid in Pepe's, so do like Majgo, and deliver Pepe's.

>>35998657
I don't know about his mood, only about his behaviour, and his behaviour was unstable. He joined a christian sect for a few months, he moved into an AA home for a few months, he started on some private construction work for some manipulative, exploitative psychopath he met through AA, moved into his dead parents' home, which is coowned by his brother, started major construction on the ground around the house, gave up before managing to finish it completely, he married a Kenyan woman who's 3 years older than my older sister and is most likely just using him to get out of a shitty country, adopted her youngest son, had a daughter with her at the age of 53.
What makes me think he's bipolar is that he starts things with an energy that he just seems to lose after some time. He does things that seem poorly thought through.
He would stare down my older sister at christmas until she freaked out, and a trainwreck would follow ruining christmas. Happened like 5 times. They don't really talk since he kicked her out as a teenager, after she dropped him when laying a hand on her.
I don't know if he's actually bipolar, but he's unstable. He appears to have found some stability recently, but his marriage is falling apart for sure. He has periods that could seem manic, and others that might seem depressive. I'm not qualified to say if it's the natural way of life or if it's a disorder, just seems very unhealthy.
>>35998738
>examples
Well, she's talking about negative energy causing cancer. She's been on some eastern chakra stuff couple of times. I don't know if my suspicions are warranted, just know that I'm suspicious of her.
>overcharge
Weeeeell, she never put a real price down on the hours, she just let me give her what I felt was appropriate, pretty much.
We never pick back up things we've been talking about before, so I feel like she's not taking things very seriously. She hasn't taken notes, she just writes down models of some theory and wants me to learn them.

>>35994443
>>35994443
You think you could tell me how fucked I am?
21 y old NEET.
Currently I think I may be somewhat of a sociopath, I can't emotionally connect with even my family, everyone is a stranger.

>>35999137
>I don't know about his mood, only about his behaviour, and his behaviour was unstable. He joined a christian sect for a few months, he moved into an AA home for a few months, he started on some private construction work for some manipulative, exploitative psychopath he met through AA, moved into his dead parents' home, which is coowned by his brother, started major construction on the ground around the house, gave up before managing to finish it completely, he married a Kenyan woman who's 3 years older than my older sister and is most likely just using him to get out of a shitty country, adopted her youngest son, had a daughter with her at the age of 53.
>What makes me think he's bipolar is that he starts things with an energy that he just seems to lose after some time. He does things that seem poorly thought through.

Goddamn, sounds like BPD craziness, textbook. Fucking hell, what a shitload of a mess! But yeah, that's Borderline antics.

>He would stare down my older sister at christmas until she freaked out, and a trainwreck would follow ruining christmas.

That's more sinister, however. Check narc signs.

>Well, she's talking about negative energy causing cancer.

RUN, RUN, RUN.

>She's been on some eastern chakra stuff couple of times.

Oh God, dear Lord, please just run the fuck away at lightspeed. Know that narcs actually love that sort of occult shit, maybe because they know it's BS and they love manipulating people with it.

>>35999137
>I don't know if my suspicions are warranted, just know that I'm suspicious of her.

This is how I read this:

>There's this person who shows me their dick on a daily basis and even jizzed a couple of times. I think they might be exhibitionistic. I don't know if my suspicions are warranted, just that I'm suspicious of him.

YES, SHE'S A CON. SHE OVERCHARGED YOU, SHE CONNED YOU, SHE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE OF BULLSHIT.

Tell me how much she charges you.

Never fucking see her again. The last thing you want is some quack fucking with your mind.

>>35999433
lol.
Well, I think it's overcharging, but I'm told I'm stingy.
I pay her 72 usd for an hour session.
I told her I had some drug money, probably why she feels entitled to it.
What's this narc talk?

>>35999550
I wanna make it more like 50. She's unlicensed and I'm still not sure what it is I pay her for.

>>35999550
>I pay her 72 usd for an hour session.
Holy Christ I'd rather spend that amount on drugs. They'd last more than an hour too. I concur with Nick, leave at once. You're being exploited to massage some woman's ego and have you pay through the nose for the privilege as well.

>>35999550
>I pay her 72 usd for an hour session.

Friend, I'm Swiss, with social insurance, I pay 15 Swiss bucks for an hour with a licensed psychotherapist who works under a psychiatrist in a team of doctors and psychologists.

72 Amerilard bucks are a lot of money in Ameriland. (My hour costs 150 total, but insurance takes 90% off; I spent enough years paying for social insurances without ever seeing anything back.)

DROP HER ASS.

She probably is some evil cunt with massive issues of her own, friend.

You gave hints that she is: you say what she says, but somehow, she can't accept it as the truth, just because it comes from you, not her.

Huge red flag.

Seriously, drop her. For that kind of money, you can find a legit therapist.

If cunts like these can make some money from conning people, I'm considering doing it for real, for less money, and to really help people.

Is that an idea worth looking into?

An hour on skype with yours truly. I suffer from phone shyness, at first, though.

>>35999602
Drug money =/= drug budget
Drugs are for suckers.
I got another session with her this thursday. I'm gonna tell her what I think of her and leave it at that. I told her shit in confidence, not completely realizing that she's not bound to a law of confidentiality.

>>35999591
>I wanna make it more like 50. She's unlicensed and I'm still not sure what it is I pay her for.

No, you want to make it more like fucking 0. She won't do you any good.

You're paying her to suck the money off your wallet.

DROP
HER
NASTY
STINKY
ASS

>>35999731
>I got another session with her this thursday. I'm gonna tell her what I think of her and leave it at that. I told her shit in confidence, not completely realizing that she's not bound to a law of confidentiality.

Expect her to blackmail you. Or attempt to keep you in. Tell her you're considering hiring a Reiki master to work with a team of Chinese mental assassins in the preparation of a supercharged meditation aimed at her rectum, which would, in effect, force her to defecate 24/7, for the next 8 months. For the modest price of 67 shakras.

>>35999710
It's translated currency. Didn't know if you're american or european. 67 euros is 0,2 grams of molly. That's sort of how I was thinking about it.
I wouldn't mind talking to you on Skype just to know who does threads like these, but you're never ever getting any money from me, I put that on my life. Do you even have any credidentials?

>>35999731
>Drugs are for suckers.
Perhaps, but paying this woman makes you more of a sucker. Even if you leave she's pretty hit upon a pretty sweet gig here. She must be raking it in, and she's not even licensed. Honestly, I'm jealous. There's one born every minute, evidently.

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My health is shit. It's been shit since I was 12, and for the past 4 months there hasn't been a single day where I felt even a little bit fine. I'm trying to keep looking forward and do my school work, but it's hard. I'm in so much pain all the time. I'm in my last semester of uni, but I'm not even sure if I can get a job with my health.
I keep putting on a strong front for my mom but it's really getting to me lately. I cry a lot randomly about it. I'm not sure what to do duder.

oops.
>credentials
You're more paranoid than I am.
I didn't incriminate myself directly, and she doesn't take notes, so it'd be word against word anyway. She can't touch me.

>>35999866
>Do you even have any credidentials?

Coming from someone who paid an obvious con 72 bucks an hour for shakra bullshit, I'm offended!

I guarantee I'll make you feel you haven't wasted your time, for free, right here in this thread.

But please use a name.

>Conlover
>Shakramyshitup
>BadEnergy
>justtakemyfuckingmoneywhoneedsit

>>36000065

What is your health problem?

hey op, i hope you are still around
for my issue, why do i sometimes feel like i'm not there? and is it ok not to feel anything? i avoid anything that i could come to love including people, because i think it is dangerous
and how do i know that somebody likes me, if they are a man? he speaks to me everyday about his life and hobbies half of which i don't know about, yet he talks to me about them, and he comes to me when hes stressed. he copies my speech sometimes too. does he like me?
and do i need a name?

>>36000273
>hey op, i hope you are still around

I am.

>why do i sometimes feel like i'm not there?

Perhaps you dissociate, perhaps you depersonalise.

>and is it ok not to feel anything?

No, it probably means something is up with you.

Unless you don't remember being any other way.

>i avoid anything that i could come to love including people, because i think it is dangerous

You have probably learned the hard way and never were able to relearn a different way. You might have been hurt badly.

>and how do i know that somebody likes me, if they are a man?

Depends what you mean by liking.

> he speaks to me everyday about his life and hobbies half of which i don't know about,

He may want to fuck you, but please take note: if he speaks of himself more than he asks about you, he doesn't give much of a fuck about you.

>yet he talks to me about them, and he comes to me when hes stressed.

He only comes when he needs you, another red flag. If he liked you like a good person, he'd come to you whenever, and he'd be curious about you.

> he copies my speech sometimes too. does he like me?

That's just creepy. Is he mocking you? Is he trying to become you? What's up with that?

I do think he wants to bone you but doesn't give a shit about you beyond that, as evidenced by a massive lack of curiosity about you. You don't exist to him beyond being a dick sheath.

>and do i need a name?

Let me think about that one...

>>35994443
>1. Use a name in the namefield (this is important so I can remember who's who).

Yes.

>>36000220
At least she's educated. She was recommended by my doctor. I know people who know her. She's not an all-in con, but I'm pretty sure in my case she is taking advantage.
Shit, I told her about my temper tantrum, and she said I got a lot to be mad about, and that I'm not in the wrong. It was about being kept awake at 4 in the morning, and I broke all my furniture and busted my hand. She was obviously clueless about anger management, and I think she tried to sell me a boxing math. Either that or she offered me it for free. I think I should ask her if I should take it off her hands, and if she asks for money, I'll know what's up, tell her off and take off.

>>36000426
>At least she's educated.

I have many degrees. And I undoubtedly read more about your issues than she has.

Did you check that Borderline list of symptoms, brother?

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

I bet she never came up with that shit.

I read about Schizoid personality disorder, it definitely resembles my behavior.

I try my hardest to not show any emotions, yet I think I'm secretly extremely weak and pathetic.

>>36000243
Crohns arthritis and fibromyalgia
Crohns: makes my belly hurt whenever I eat and I shit blood a lot; generally makes me feel sick
Arthritis: joint pain
Fibromyalgia: pain everywhere else

>>36000626
>I try my hardest to not show any emotions,

I may be wrong, but I think schizoid people don't even have to try. They just don't have emotions that much.

What else in there resembles your behaviour?

>>36000707

Damn.

How come you have all this shit?

>>36000526
Yeah, I guess. She's full of it and afraid to admit it.
I've read up on borderline before. That's what my mum thinks my father's got. My sister's a doctor, she thought he was bipolar, I compared the symptoms of both and figured bipolar was more fitting.
Whether I'm borderline or bipolar or ADD and depressive, God only knows. He and his elves are busy building christmas gifts for rich kids, so I guess I'll never know.

>>36000733
I should correct that, when I was in middle school i began being bullied, thinking of ways to deal with it, I decided to stop showing any emotions, now it is automatic, and cannot feel attachment to anyone. Seeking complete independence, living in some cabin in the woods sounds is a constant phantasy, suicide too.

>>36000897

Yeah, so not schizoid at all.

You developed defense mechanisms to protect yourself and they have now become maladaptive and work against you.

When people attacked you, you created spikes around you, to impale the fuckers, but now that people want to hug you, they get impaled all the same.

What you need to work on now is removing those defenses and reactivating your almonds. I mean, your feelings for hoomans.

You need help. I'll do what I can.

Here's an example of the crazy emotional spikes I enjoy. I messed up putting together a cheesecake since I don't really enjoy dessert myself. Anyway, it didn't work out and I was a hair's breadth from shouting and throwing things around. Anyway, I tidied the kitchen up and now I feel thoroughly miserable. In fairness though, it's probably reasonable to feel bummed out about a failure of some sort so maybe it's nothing out of the ordinary.

>>36000968
I must admit, I am very afraid of it, I stopped drinking altogether after one time getting drunk and spilling my spaghetti on some family members. How would you recommend about connecting with hoomans? "connecting" with people is such a weird thing because most of the time conversations are so superficial or ego trips.

>>36001085
>so maybe it's nothing out of the ordinary.

It is. Man, it's just cheesecake, put a thumb up your butt and relax, will ya.

More seriously, I get it. You put too much ego in your doing, so when it fails, you feel like a failure. A huge wound to yourself.

It'll take accepting that you're only human to feel OK with fucking shit up by accident.

You need to be kind to yourself, and accept who you really are, not that semi-God of the dark arts you like imagining you are.

What makes me sad is that your real self IS great, you have loads going for yourself, you don't need a fake self or anything. You have a massive dark side, yes, but the good stuff is real and is way enough to capitalise on.

>>36001153

Ask them questions, listen, ask another, listen. Be truly interested. Don't feel like you have to speak. Relax, focus on the other, not yourself.

It'll work like a charm. Then you can play it by ear.

>>36001201
I don't think I could really give a more BPD sentiment, but none of it feels like a 'real' me. It's all just mutable affectation. I feel as though there's nothing beyond whim, good or bad. There's nothing to accept. The only 'self' I can identify is that which can be measured, and that comes down to things like intelligence, fitness and past deeds. Even the last of those is unconvincing.

>>36000749
Idk. Nobody else in my family is this unhealthy. I just got unlucky.

I had to have surgery recently and wasn't able to go to classes for 3 weeks, but the surgery didn't help and I'm in more pain than before. I need to go back in but I can't miss anymore class. Everything is just feeling really overwhelming.

>>36001321
>The only 'self' I can identify is that which can be measured,

How about the consciousness that does the thinking?

>>36001362
It's too unreliable, and too fickle.

I wanted to ask is it normal to change your "personality" with different people? I type and interact completely differently with different people on discord, skype or steam etc. My writing style and behaviour or the things I'll say are completely different and is adapted to the person I talk with, I'll even copy their typing mannerisms to match them. I'm a retard so not sure if everyone does this or just me.

>>36001360

Holy shit, man, do you have any support for this?

>>36001415
>I wanted to ask is it normal to change your "personality" with different people?

People-pleaser. I did this a lot, and probably still do.

Richard Grannon, on YouTube, people-pleaser.

You probably had a parent who took a little too much room and didn't make you feel like you existed.

I feel your pain, brother.

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>>36001487
Not really. I tell my mom and my friends a little bit, but they don't really know how bad it is. I don't want to seem like a whiny bitch.

I have to go now, but if you have another thread I'll pop in, if you don't mind. Thanks for letting me talk dude.

>>36001225
Any tips on women? They used to bully me, now that I'm older, stoic and thin, they look at me too much, seriously its extremely stressful, sometimes they begin a conversation and begin smiling and giving those looks, and I just want to run.

>>36001636

Most welcome to come back whenever!

I hope you can some sort of assistance. Look it up, what you have is serious and there might be more help available than you benefit from right now.

>>36001679

Sounds like YOU need to give me tips on women.

Here's a tip: next time a woman talks to you, imagine she's a just a very effeminate boy, and talk to her like a dude.

Assuming you speak normally to dudes.

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just wanted to say hello to you Nick. going to walk the doggy in about an hour or so. woke up relatively early today. felt energized like i havent felt in months for some reason. been reading about Transcranial Magnetic stimulation and the success rate is around 50% might as well try it if it isnt insanely expensive, since antidepressants havent worked very well. i wanted to thank you for your appreciation of my paintings and drawings, its nice to hear something good about your work once in a while. ive been discarding all the drawings ive made for weeks now but ideas are flowing relatively well

I don't really seem to have a place in the world. I don't fit into any of the standard "archetypes" that everyone bases their social circles around (no, not even robot). All my friends kind of just drift away from me if I let them go, and because of my social anxiety, I'm predisposed to letting that happen. People I know say I'm a pretty cool guy, but they still seem to not care at all when I start to get distant. I see all the people I know and consider friends hanging out with each other, but I'm never invited, for whatever reason. Am I just destined to be a lone wolf? Is that what others perceive me as, thus leading them to assume I want to be alone? How do I fix that perception if it's already set in their minds?

>>36001861

Very welcome! Your art is amazing.

Has an Eric Fischl feel, though I may misspell his name...

Keep painting, you're the stuff, and I do want to see more!

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>>36002049
>Eric Fischl
didnt know about him. beautiful paintings. my favourites are Bosch, rauch and scott gellantly

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>>36002280

Damn... this is amazing!

As a Swiss man, I'm obligated to say HR Giger is my favourite painter. Not really, but I do like his stuff. Van Gogh as well, and others, but I must go sleep now.

Take care everyone!

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>>36002280
You may also enjoy Francis Bacon's work

>>36002326
Sleep well.

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>>36002378
ah yeah totally forgot about him. i do enjoy his work quite a bit, particularly his Popes like the one you posted and his crucifixion triptych

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>>36002442
I enjoyed this triptych when I had the opportunity to view it in person. It was my favourite painting for some years.

>>35994443
I have a very pathetic problem
I have a huge crush on a girl that i am aure ahe likes my best friend, and my friend is being overly friendly evwn though i told him to back off.
What makes it worst she started ignore my massges on facebook.

It's ripping me apart

>>36002730
>It's ripping me apart
is her name, by any chance, Lisa?

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>>36002528
i like that quite a bit, it has a haunting character

1. Tony

2. Guy I know in the community kept bugging the shit out of me to play poker with my crew. He ended up gambling money he can't pay back, it's been a week, and now I gotta visit this jerk-off while he's at work and beat the shit out of him til he coughs up some of the dough he owes my cousin.

>>36002840
Nope her name starts with an M

>>36002934
how's the pizza place doing

>>36002883
The caption made mention of the fact that despite the fact that the creatures pictured appeared monstrous, upon closer inspection they were also in pain. Their shapes were awkward and twisted such that they were created to suffer.

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>>36002964
>Their shapes were awkward and twisted such that they were created to suffer
hadnt look at it that way, now it reminds me of my uncle, thanks for the insight

Why do I only get suicidal when I'm drunk

I always wake up after blacking out with cuts all up my arms

>>35994443
The only people that I'm not uncomfortable around/ don't hate me are retarded weeaboo normies. I hate the wat my body looks, I've tried gaining weight and lifting but nothing works. I have no hobbies anymore, and project I begin I lose interest in within minutes. I feel sad yet nobody asks how I'm doing. I don't want to tell the truth because now it's hip to have depession like 90% of the normalfags. I fucking hate life, and I'm so uncertain about everything. Nothing matters to me yet I obsess over the tiniest descisions.

>>35994443
From 2009 to 2014 i've educated myself to be fearless and devoid of emotion and physical pain.
Now i'm just an overall neutral person, nothing phases me nothing interests me and nothing gives me any thrill.

I havn't had an adrenaline rush, i don't feel any pain or reaction when i stumble or hurt myself unwillingly.
I do feel love, and i do feel great sorrow if i see animal cruelty though. But i can't emphasise with most people on a normal basis.

How do i get back some of the feelings, or is it good to be this way?