I keep forgetting. What happens if I actually reveal my power

>>35962398
gone off your meds again, eh?

>>35962417
I am twenty years old.
I am homeless, mad as shit, and medicated with nothing.

Please contribute to my quest to peel back the mystery of revealing life has lost it's intrinsic substance.

Im gonna call the number.
Find out.

Is this a bad idea?

They will involuntarily commit you to a psych ward if you tell them you want to commit suicide.

You'll be released after a minimum of 3 days.

>>35962712
This. Happened to me in 2015 op

It's honestly not particularly dramatic, you'll just sit in a room for a few days and talk to some crazy people. Or maybe you'll be the crazy one and the normies will be the ones fascinated by you.

>>35962599
You will have a record.
But I say rent a room, or worst sleep outside and try too find a factory job.

>>35962398
Are you related to Jacob Amedaeus Godfrey? Or are you him?

I'm sure they'd just call the police and I'd not want my guns taken from me so I don't go spouting stupid shit like that in public. No guns

>>35962809
I called.
Talked for 42 mins.

Then she said she had other callers.

Re.

>>35962398
can u go back to b where your first thread was and stop attention whoring? You sound like a bitch

>>35962712
>You'll be released after a minimum of 3 days.
Thats it?

Like I said I just talked my voice dry for 42 mins b4 lady said SHE had to hang up.

Told her the whol shebang.

The shelter
The paracosms
The kafka
The trip to europe and my tent of death

I told her about the fucking tent
That the only thing stopping me is privacy.

Still she had to hang up.
Nice older lady too.
Maybe 40 to 50s

>>35963361
>back to b
Aint used /b/ or opened the link in 3 fucking years

>>35962798
>you'll just sit in a room for a few days and talk to some crazy people. Or maybe you'll be the crazy one and the normies will be the ones fascinated by you.
But what AFTER?

What if you tell them you will kill yourself no matter what like I told karen?

Will they get secretly annoyed and feign like they can do nothing as my logic is impenetrable and just LET me?

I went full blown nice guy wikked humor on this nice old lady.

My actual first words when she picked up were

"That is a comically long process before a live person picking up for the service this is" while chuckling, then "what is the full process that goes down if I actually tell someone I want to shuffle off my mortal coil?"

I realize I talk as strange as I type when anonymous.

Shit.
I told her about the baseball bat and the money shower too.

I'm too calm and articulate with how I speak when I am hidden.

She flat out told me I don't sound depressed.
Even after I told her the lengths I have gone through to die.

I feel like a machine.
What I say does not come off as an abberation of human nature because I am not human.

I seem like a smart stressed young man.
Great, if nothing else I will die complimented.

Cool(bogus)

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There are so many things I wanted to ask her.
Are they even allowed to hang up like she did?


Is my will to erase myself too advanced for the normalfags PAID to address it?

Wait fuck.

I held a conversation with a real girl(deep voiced woman) I dont know for 42 minutes.

It was about death but still.

Fuck.
I didnt mean it.
It didnt count.
It doesnt count right?

>>35963600
yeah, i got rejected from the mental hospital once when i tried to get help because i didn't appear depressed enough even though i wasn't leaving my home, lying in bed all the time waiting to die and my parents had to beg me to go in the first place.

i went someplace else in the end that was much shittier. they never help though. they keep you there for as little time as possible and try to give you medication. you don't want to be inpatient. look for better quality outpatient. try not to be smarter than your therapist, if possible.

i'm telling you though, coming to /r9k/ and posting about this every day isn't going to help.

and this is what i believe the truth is: you can only solve your own problems and you have to want to believe that life is worth living.

>>35963687
you have to stop pretending to be clever all the time. you will only get better if you're willing to be honest, even if it's only with yourself.

>>35963706
>you have to stop pretending to be clever all the time. you will only get better if you're willing to be honest, even if it's only with yourself.
But I am being honest.
I told this woman more than I have told anyone in the last 3 years.

>Pretending to be clever
I can't comprehend this. I am ignorant to where you perceived behavior to even say this.
How can I pretend to be myself?

Is my personality so autistcally improbable its existence is annoying?

>you have to want to believe that life is worth living.
But it is not.
Not to me.

Man I really talked to a lady for a long time.
I even got her to laugh and cuss a few times.

Maybe she forced it and memed me cause this is her job.

Boy howdy robiyts.
I sure do hate being alive and existing.

I almost want to call again.
But I don't want to start all over.

I almost feel like I want to pick up where I left off with her, but the proclaimed schizoid in me hates the idea of this kind of closeness.

It stinks like how I perceive relationships to be.
I hate them. I hate people talking or interacting with "that energy" it makes me uncomfortable.

But to want to contact her again will be mispercieved as favoritism, instead of closure as it rightfully lies.

She hung up and I wasn't finished.

Is this how you all feel about the "oneitis/cucking" deal?

Ive never felt indirectly possessive over a person like this.
Its disgusting.

I hate it

>>35962480

How's the homeless life? I was thinking of traveling around as a bum for as long as I can stomach it.

>>35963785
>I told this woman
yeah, but if i understand correctly, she was some random person who was never going to help you. you need to talk to someone else.

>How can I pretend to be myself?
what i mean is that you think you're coming off as charming and clever but it's off-putting because it doesn't seem genuine at all. it smells like internet irony ("haha i'm so depressed, let me put a straw in this bottle of bleach and take a picture. (haha)."). if you need help, you have to drop the entertainer act.

>But it is not.
>Not to me.
yeah, but you're not going to feel any better if you don't find a way to believe that it is. i won't advise you to kill yourself but unless you find a way to believe, your options are misery and death.

>I even got her to laugh and cuss a few times.
see, entertainer mindset. you were performing and you don't even realize it because you think that this is "you."

>>35963883
Im smart and told to be persuavive and articulate.

I have aquired 5 cellphones and a laptop in the past year for relatively nothing but good faith and favors that tasked me none.

Being homeless is about as hard as...
Fuck i'm not articulate as I thought.

No analogies in the tank right now.

I think it depends on your area, I've only been homeless in cities.

I assume results vary.

Is there any anything you wanna know in particular?

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I called once, just hung up after a person talked.

Life is pretty silly dude. I've have enough self loathing to fill a dump truck.

https://youtu.be/kp-8ibbxxa4

>>35963940
>I have aquired 5 cellphones and a laptop in the past year for relatively nothing but good faith and favors that tasked me none.
how?

>>35963940

Is eating out of garbage acceptable? What about busking? Is hitchhiking something one can do to travel?

I've heard you can just set up a tent in wooded areas and sleep out. Is this true?

>>35962398
Nothing really happens. If a cashier or something is rude to me or some homeless bitch gets up in my face I just yell autism at them. It makes them go away every time lol

>>35963908
>you were performing and you don't even realize it because you think that this is "you."

>you think you're coming off as charming and clever but it's off-putting because it doesn't seem genuine at all. it smells like internet irony


I can't turn it off.
This is probably what puts me at the normalfag end of the spectrum.

Its a defense mechanism.
If I actually explained the real horror I feel on a daily basis without the george costanza schadenfruede coating it NOONE and I mean NOT ONE of these "normal people" care to listen.

As it Is too circularly negative, and just not positive to hear.

>>35964009
>2 phones from old guy who collected junk
>found one
>given one
>guy gave me old one cause one I had was shit (using)
>african preachr who pirated music sloppily with two virus filled toshibas let me have one for wiping them clean

>>35964051
>I can't turn it off.
you could, if you tried.
> I mean NOT ONE of these "normal people" care to listen
you see that you're doing it because you are after a desired response, not because it's natural.

>Its a defense mechanism.
it's a way to distance yourself from people. it could be motivated by fear but it's not doing you any favors. you don't have to be real all the time but you need to do it when it matters.

>As it Is too circularly negative, and just not positive to hear.
yeah, well fuck everyone else. life isn't pretty and people who realize that start to lose it when they have to pretend all the time.

i'm pretty sure that my current therapist hates me but she's also extremely stupid so that doesn't surprise me. i'm working on getting into better treatment right now. not sure if that will help at all but staying focused on trying to accomplish anything at all gives enough immediate purpose to pretend that there's hope for the future. when you have absolutely nothing you're aiming at, things get too fuzzy.

you might want to pick a goal. it's not going to give life itself meaning but it can help in the moment.

>>35964025
>Is eating out of garbage acceptable?
That is not my fetish.
>What about busking?
What?
I won't google. Spoonfeed me your own definition.
>hitchhiking

Where are you trying to go?
I wouldn't know, I'm too fucked up to cuck sleep. Why would I try to travel?

Also careful with the tent shit.
Park Ranger gonna fuk your shiy up
Teenager gonna fuk your shiy up
Animal gonna fuk your shiy up
Gaia gonna fuk your shiy up

>>35964180
>you don't have to be real
There is no real me.
The one day I cease being shrodinger's autist and stop pretending to be the best version of the person people expect me to be like a mimic sociopath is the day I am discovered and destroyed probably for being a creepy blank freak.

This is why I come here.

Here I don't need to pretend to be a person.
I'm not.

Im just a bunch of unnecessarily big words and crazy ideas wrapped in flesh.

That was why I started coming to this board so years ago.

>>35964308
do you think you'd feel any better if you were capable of being someone real?

you may not have any identity right now other than whatever you think will get people to like you but everyone has something real inside of them, even the pretenders.

>>35964510
>everyone has something real inside of them, even the pretenders
I uh.
I think girl ass is nice.
But it isn't as important to me as being cool and taciturn.

That is the closest to the bare unobserved me as you can get