Psychological Issues #19

>>35945942
I've returned.

>>35946026

It's been a while. What happened?

How are you?

>>35946036
Nothing happened. I've just refrained from posting for a while. I suppose I'm ok. I don't have anything specific in mind to talk about. I question the value of spending time composing posts.

>>35945942
Hey I'm really not sure what to call myself, so I apologize for that
Lately I've had a string of emotional breakdowns, I can usually do control my emotions and rarely even express them if ever, but this year I've already had like 3 times I've broke down and started crying uncontrollably. That's been bothering me
I don't know what brought them on, and it bothers me that they happened and that I've been so emotionally susceptible and out of control
I'm not sure what I'm asking you, sorry for being difficult

>>35946224
>I question the value of spending time composing posts.

Do you question the value of living?

Composing posts makes me bear the situation much better, so that's the value of it for me.

I'm working as I'm here, too. Doing some translation. It should last a few hours.

Have you been following the threads?

>>35946236
>Hey I'm really not sure what to call myself, so I apologize for that
>sorry for being difficult

I can already tell you that you might be a "people-pleaser", seeing how you apologise for things you have no reason to blame yourself for. I'm a people-pleaser, and I apologise for a lot also. I always want to make sure people aren't hurt or offended by my behaviour, as I am sure you do too.

My guess is that there is a very real reason for your crying spells, but that it hasn't reached the surface yet.

Any known triggers to this crying?

>rarely even express them if ever,

You've reached the point where your mind no longer wants to stock up on feels. It's a good sign that stuff is coming out, but there's a lot more to dig up and get out of your system.

You know what happens now: you tell me about your parents.

>>35946241
It's not much of a question. Life has negative value. No, I haven't followed them. What have I missed?

>>35946314
>Life has negative value.

What do you mean?

>>35946314
>No, I haven't followed them. What have I missed?

Loads. Facet is going nuts lately.

Do you know if the archives are saved permanently? I know the archives don't list everything beyond a certain time, but my oldest links to them still work.

>>35946338
There are independent archives. https://desuarchive.org/r9k/thread/35547290/#35547290

>>35946338
>Going nuts lately
>Going
Speaking of which, I have another issue that's come up. Namely, I've got an interview for a much better job. However, because of the hours involved I would likely have to forego therapy. In that case, I don't know how fesible it would be to keep it together. It feels too good of an opportunity to miss, but if I go off the deep end then that would also mean that I was unable to continue working anyway.

>>35945942
Hey there op!
I've never ever wanted to see a psy in my life (all social workers i met during HS were more interested in filling in their form than helping me) but i figured maybe you can help me sort out wtf is wrong with me now.
Story time:
>Be me, HS graduate
>Become really good friend with a girl
>She likes to hang out with me all the time during breaks
>I'm always there for her when she get dumped/have problems
>She thinks of me as her best friend
>I feel more toward her but i reserve myself
*Fast foward end of school year*
>I confessed to her on my bday (not planned, went with the mood)
>Realise she loves me alot too
>Get together
And now here's where it started spiraling down
>Mother accept gf but she tell me she doesn't really like her
>GF is a bit picky about everything,have firm opinions with conservative values
>Their disagreements almost turned into fights
>One day call mother and tell her to fuck off my life
>Litteraly casting everything aside for gf
>''Well, im happy to live with gf and game with her''
*fast foward 3 year*
>She can't do a single chore
>Only job she has is to take care of our cats, i take care of litteraly everything else but i just couldn't stand cleaning the litterboxes
>She can't even do that 1 time per week
>Move the cats to an empty room so they wouldn't piss/shit on the floor in the living room when their litter was full
>Become a bit abusive with said cats
>Start to talk to gf less and less
>We just play vidya,on our own each with headsets
>Introduce her to my LoL group
>Go to work in a remote town
>''huh that's weird, gf seems distant when im back''
>Realise she's litteraly trying to hook up with one guy of said LoL group.
>Break up so they can become couple
>4 years down the drain
And now i think this is the part that messed me up
>''Anon, i know we still have to live together for 5 months but i want to see my bf''
>Litteraly fucking in the room next to me

(conclusion/after toughts in next post thanks for reading)

>>35946272
>I can already tell you that you might be a "people-pleaser", seeing how you apologise for things you have no reason to blame yourself for.
I guess, yea I apologize too much, I do try and please people I guess too
>Any known triggers to this crying?
No, I'm not really much of a crier unless I'm laughing
>You've reached the point where your mind no longer wants to stock up on feels. It's a good sign that stuff is coming out, but there's a lot more to dig up and get out of your system.
Maybe, but I'm crying into sweats and I don't think it's healthy to let it out like a dam breaking all at once
>You know what happens now: you tell me about your parents.
Actually wasn't ready for that, but sure, your can of worms
I want to start by saying I love my mother to death and respect her as a mother and woman because I may say some things that make it seem otherwise
Basically everyone who knows my mom, myself included, my father excluded, is intimidated by her. She's the really assertive, no nonsense, grew up in a not so good neighborhood, get out the car and threaten to beat a guy with a bat type (that happened). She's a loving person though, she has a sort of outgoing, community based job that's all about helping people, especially kids. I guess you wanted to hear more about our relationship, sorry for the tangent above. She's a good mother run my eyes, always there when I needed her, and always tried to push me. She's blunt, she'll yell at me and curse me out if she has to, she'll say negative things about me and be brutally honest, which I like, it's good to have someone that honest in my life
I don't know how many characters since I'm on Mimi but this looks like a lot so I'll make 2 posts

>>35946402

Ohhh... riginallllllllllllll

(Muted for 16 seconds... What's happening...)

>>35946416

How come you'd have to give up therapy? Can't you find another time slot? Or would you have to move?

>>35946469
Okay, part 2
My dad's basically my best friend (only friend?), I don't know many people I'd rather see a movie with or watch a show with or spend the day with. He's the kind of person that's "smart but stupid", as much as I hate to insult him in anyway, he's funny and goofy and such, but can be day and night if he gets mad, he flip that "I'm your dad" switch really quickly. I guess it's important to point out, probably should've mentioned this earlier, when I was 14 him and I moved out and my parents divorced, oddly enough they're back together (maybe? Nothing's set in stone) and we actually spent the last 2 nights back home

>>35946459

You need healthier boundaries for yourself. You need to feel much better about yourself so you can more easily enact said healthy boundaries.

You are a people-pleaser too and she abused that, knowingly or not.

You did a lot for her and got little in return.

She isn't the only one with a problem, but that's not to blame you. You're a good guy.

Allowing her to have sex with someone else in the next room should not have existed at all. For instance.

>>35946512
It may be that I can move it around but that's only on the assumption that the entire group are willing and able to move to accommodate me. The work hours are non-negotiable.

>>35945942
I have brain fog a lot of the time and have problems focusing on anything, and zone out a lot. I'm not particularly anxious or depressed though currently.

(cont from >>35946459)
>finally move out after months of hell
>litteraly cutted myself sometimes to shift the pain
>contact mother, tell her im sorry and im an idiot
>get surrounded by great friends
>can't numb the pain wtf
>Blaze it
>''Fuck yeah ill probably forget about the bitch in time with this''
*fast foward 3 year*
>have great relationship with mother now
>Feel like ill never trust a girl again
>Feel like all girls are just whoring out, even the best ones
>never trust a girl again
>still takes weed to numb the pain from past relationship
>still wonder if things would've turned differently if i did x or y
>can't shake the feeling that im the one that fucked up this great relationship

Seriously it keeps me up at night when i overthink it and sometime i find myself semi-crying.

Then i go take a bong rip and go on with my day. Weed is litteraly the reason i haven't gone insane yet
>mother even pay for it when i say that i may want to take a break from daily blazing

She knows

>>35946549
In response to this i must add
>She did tell me what she did to him
>She never wanted to suck me but was so proud to tell me she sucked him off and swalloed

>>35946469
>I want to start by saying I love my mother to death and respect her as a mother and woman because I may say some things that make it seem otherwise

Good Lord, I don't even need to read the rest to see what's coming. It's everything I expected, though.

>dichotomy between what you know to be true in your experience and what you were made to believe

I've read the rest now. Good God... Anon, you need a name right now.

Your mom sounds like a typical narcissist, and she made you believe she loved you and was good, "tough love" and all. It's a lie, and deep down, you know it.

It'll take time to swallow that red pill, but you can do it. I've had the same experience.

You confuse "honesty" with "abuse". There are ways to be honest without being hurtful. Don't be fooled.

So many red flags in your post. I'll list them

>can of worms (you knew what was up but didn't connect that with your current state)
>I may say some things that make it seem otherwise (your mother is not a good person as you believe, you shouldn't actually love her so much, it's killing your mind to do so)
>your mother is violent and aggressive in a way that suggests mental illness
>excuses about her growing up (no doubt she faced some shit, but that's no excuse)
>blunt, pushes you, says negative stuff, "brutally honest" means "abusive for no reason"

Anon, your mother enjoys your pain. It's the hardest pill to swallow and realise, but it's the truth. See things from that angle, you may see a completely different person and may get out of the spell.

You have been brainwashed into thinking she was what she wanted you to believe.

Even the helping people stuff is classic narcissist activity, mostly done for image. Being "good" to others while abusing her own son. Fucked up shit.

Anyway, I should be back in a few hours. I have to lie down.

>>35946533
>"I'm your dad"

Fathers who manage being fathers never need to point out the obvious. Same with bosses. He's the boss or father because he does the job of one, not because he "says so".

Sounds like your father is a nice guy who got tired of being abused and even though his limits are loose, sometimes he wakes up and defends himself.

Just guessing.

>>35946558

Ask them. It may work.

>>35946597

Sounds like heavy bad news on the way, Bill. Brain fog is dissociation (depersonalisation or derealisation) and comes after intense anxiety, so much so your brain needs to escape, so to speak.

I assume you don't connect your state to anything clear, do you?

>>35946606

You show several symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I would assume only mildly so. You have traits, basically, no need to worry, but do read about BPD to see if more fits.

>>35946618

All right, then, your lady wanted to hurt you, and you should not allow or accept that.

This is evil behaviour and could come from various personality disorders as well. She's either assuming she's taking revenge on you for past wrong doings (in her mind at least) or she actively enjoys your pain. Choose which.

>>35946620

I hope you're OK.

(Before anyone complains, I make one post per person, so things remain clear.)

>>35946619
>I've read the rest now. Good God... Anon, you need a name right now.
Sorry, it's the first thing that popped in my head
>Your mom sounds like a typical narcissist, and she made you believe she loved you and was good, "tough love" and all. It's a lie, and deep down, you know it.
I actually don't know it deep down, I've never heard anyone describe her as a narcissist, I have no doubt she loves me and have never thought otherwise for a second
>It'll take time to swallow that red pill, but you can do it. I've had the same experience.
Maybe you're projecting a bit?
>You confuse "honesty" with "abuse". There are ways to be honest without being hurtful. Don't be fooled.
Yea, it's called beating around the bush and leaving out things that may hurt people's feelings
>Anon, your mother enjoys your pain. It's the hardest pill to swallow and realise, but it's the truth. See things from that angle, you may see a completely different person and may get out of the spell.
That doesn't change my view of her at all, and it seems absurd actually
>Even the helping people stuff is classic narcissist activity, mostly done for image.
She seems to be genuine and passionate about it, not like it's some of coping mechanism or "balancing her karma" or shit like that
>Being "good" to others while abusing her own son.
Daughter, and it's not abuse
>>35946631
I didn't mean he pulls the "I'm your dad" card, I meant he puts being a parent ahead of being my friend, he doesn't pull the "because I said so", neither of them do

>>35946822
Meant to add a name, sorry

>>35946822

All right, it sounds like it'll be difficult to help you out of it, but as long as you don't fully reject my help, there's a chance.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

You do not recognise abuse in its full spectrum for now. Your mother does show many signs of abuse, and you do too as well. Your need to forewarn that you really love her despite what you're about to say is a red flag to me. You are used to defending her, in your own mind as well as outside of it, to save her and yourself from realising what's really happening.

Trust your gut is the best advice I can give you for now, and read those links. Report back after that.

>>35946891
I felt the need to defend her because your knee-jerk reaction was to call her an abusive cunt, to paraphrase
I read the top link and she's not like that at all, she's never called me a disappointment or anything like that, but if I'm being an asshole, she'll stop me, tell me "hey, you're being an asshole right now" and I'll think "oh, maybe I am being a asshole" and stop being an asshole. She doesn't like the fact that I don't wear makeup but doesn't bring it up, she "let's me be myself" so to speak. She also doesn't do that "live through me" stuff, she's pointed out that I've got more opportunity than she had, it was a long time ago but I think it was something like "we've got enough for you to do whatever you want to do with your life" or some cheesy shit like that
I think it'd be easier if you trust me that she's not abusive and is nothing like those articles

I have severe anger problems, very poor fine motion skills, the attention span of a goldfish, poor memory (I'm talking about forgetting my name and address on the regular), and an irregular, genuine hatred for women and kids (<18). Because of this coupled with very violent tendencies and a passion for working out(been boxing since I was 10, professionally since I was 15 until a unrelated thing fucked me over at 19), I'm genuinely afraid to get help, because Germany has very good laws for preemptive arrests, basically I'd be locked up before I've finished introducing myself.

Any ideas, questions?

I'm 21, German, with a IT job since I was forced out of pro boxing

>>35946704
So i just read https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000935.htm

And the further i go in my memories the more it makes sense. Last year i really got into meditating and it helped me alot, i've come to understand many things about my past

Also weed makes me not have most of said symptoms beside ''substance abuse'' (if 3.5g a week is)and ''feeling of emptiness''

But her...i just can't
For awhile i was stalking her facebook and convinced myself to stop because i knew how destructive she is in my mind but sometime i get flashbacks and it just makes me real sad
another story time? this one is recent
>Be me, christmas '16 with family
>Parents and siblings finally go to grandparents house for christmas in 7 years (you can guess who fucked shit up between my grandma and my mom)
>Everyone is happy, laughs and enjoy great food
>Exept me
>Im just staring blankly at the tv, not eating much, not talking much
>''Wth is wrong with me''
>see my sister with her bf
>flashbacks
>just feel miserable for rest of evening but i try to not break appart and ruin it for everybody
>''hey im not feeling great, i will go to sleep at my home instead of what we decided earlier im sorry''
>Next morning 8 am i get a call from worried mom
>"Hey anon are you alright?"
>"huh yeah, i was tired"
>go spend a few days at home so they dont get worried about me
since then i had a few flashbacks in dreams aswell, why after all this time?
concerning >>35946712 She said that she didnt have anyone else to talk about it
>better tell your ex crying on the counter for the third day in a row
id go with evilness

>>35947152
>I felt the need to defend her because your knee-jerk reaction was to call her an abusive cunt,

I know. However, it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction. When you have known and heard the same beginning hundreds of times, and seen them all through to the same conclusions, it's not just a mindless reflex. It's like putting 2 and 2 together, you usually get 4.

>"hey, you're being an asshole right now" and I'll think "oh, maybe I am being a asshole"

These are already strange words to use on your children. Would you call your own child an asshole? Also, how come you didn't realise you were "being an asshole" if you really were? Can you provide a situation where this happened?

>She doesn't like the fact that I don't wear makeup but doesn't bring it up, she "let's me be myself" so to speak.

Sounds like she doesn't even need to underline that anymore, you already feel bad about it.

>I think it'd be easier if you trust me that she's not abusive and is nothing like those articles

Easier to do what? You say she is nothing like those articles but keep giving me examples of things just like that.

Next step: provide a situation, with as many details as possible, where you and your mother had an issue with each other.

>>35947200

Very serious symptoms in there.

A lot of rage too.

Did your mother do anything to do that would make you hate her?

How do you explain your hatred for kids?

>>35947232
lol wrong link in the end, was supposed to link >>35946704

>>35945942
Last semester I had a Seminar were I had to hand in an essay, my first essay actually (first semester). I didn't do because I wasn't able to continue my studies for a time for private reasons. My Problem is, that I didn't dropped the course of so said anything to my prof. I have 3 three semesters to do the paper or they kick me out. Some people from my self help group said that this shouldn't be a problem, because profs are used to it, but I just don't know what to say. First I have to make an appointment, than I have to talk to her. I want to apologize, since I didn't contacted her, but I really don't know what else to say. Help me!

>>35947232

Read about narcissism and see if your ex gf fits any of it.

>>35947306
I know about narcissism
You could put her photo next to the description
>She often called herself "Queen" or "Princess" before her first name when introducing herself
>shamed other people because of their appearance/choice to validate herself
I could go on for days seriously lol I wonder why we got so attracted because i usually hate narcissists

>>35947272
I love my parents, both of them. Same for my grandparents, I had a great childhood, before 14 or so, then everything went to shit, but my family supported me all the same. Indifferent towards my 14yo sister, I hate her lifestyle, not her as a person.

However, I'm inexplicably violent towards teenagers, especially ghetto ones. Hip hop, drugs, no respect for anything, edgelords, the works. Interesting thing is I was like that myself at that time. The violent part goes as far as randomly picking fights(and, obviously, handing their asses to them) with teenagers, and genuine, but nonviolent agression to kids, like spitting or shouting at them.This however doesn't extend to my family, again. My parents are still very hesitant at letting me in reach of my cousins though.

I really don't like typing this out man

>>35947300

If you can't say it face to face, explain it all in an e-mail, but don't keep secrets.

Explain the whole situation as you would to me. Professors are human beings and they will understand and talk with you. First write, then suggest meeting if she would like to see you.

Don't hesitate to explain you didn't dare explain originally, and if you feel ashamed and such, say so. She needs to know you're not a smartass trying to mock her.

Trust her, you won't regret it. And you have nothing to lose at this point.

If that doesn't work, though it should, you can always see a psychologist or someone like that to have some certified paper to explain why you couldn't do this or that.

>private reasons

Would be important to tell at this point.

>>35947361
>I wonder why we got so attracted because i usually hate narcissists

Usually because one or both of your parents were narcs too. Your brain recognises a pattern learned in childhood and since children must depend on adults to survive (through evolution, as prehistoric animals), you forced yourself to love the unloveable, for survival. That made your child brain feel good since that's how little humans survived the wilderness.

When you saw her, your brain got all excited because it matched what it had learned to love in infancy.

You put up with her as much as you put up with one or both of your parents, or caregivers.

Let me know if I'm on the money or not.

>>35947366
>I really don't like typing this out man

That means it's exactly what you should do. Resistance is how you know where to dig.

I'd like you to read over the symptoms for BPD and see if anything rings a bell.

>>35947247
>I know. However, it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction. When you have known and heard the same beginning hundreds of times, and seen them all through to the same conclusions, it's not just a mindless reflex. It's like putting 2 and 2 together, you usually get 4.
Yea but you made that assumption without any context
>These are already strange words to use on your children. Would you call your own child an asshole? Also, how come you didn't realise you were "being an asshole" if you really were? Can you provide a situation where this happened?
My parents are potty mouths, admittedly. The "asshole" example was February 19th, we were watching the Allstar game and I just googled that for the date, we were out to dinner and I basically butted her out of every conversation with my dad, and made her a third wheel, later in the phone she called me an asshole, and I can admit I was being an asshole
>Sounds like she doesn't even need to underline that anymore, you already feel bad about it.
I don't feel bad about it, I never said I did
>Easier to do what? You say she is nothing like those articles but keep giving me examples of things just like that.
Talk about my breakdowns, and focus on those, but if you're dead set in my mother being the cause we'll talk about her
>Next step: provide a situation, with as many details as possible, where you and your mother had an issue with each other.
We don't really have issues or arguments, I said she's just rather blunt, and to the point, even if it seems mean. We don't really butt heads or anything

>>35947439
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/dxc-20307970

Ok, both Mania and Major depressive episode fit me pretty good. Cyclothymic disorder describes it pretty good too. However, does the hypomania bit exclude Mania? Because while not feeling like shit all the time, when I go, I fucking go, that's not hypomania anymore. Two things give me a certain indifference though, smoking for one, and just running in one direction in some woods or something. What the fuck does this point to now? BPD? because if that, I'd have to give up a lot of fucking freedom, I've seen perfectly normal people with a spot of BPD get treated like retards

>>35947422
Eh id go with a nope on this one
My mother is far from being narc. she doesnt want any form of social validation, doesnt have any social media account and is generally shut in. she just need to feel like she raised us well and that we are living a happy life.Id say her personal goal is self improvement trough her life, she train alot and really care about her health.
My true father was absent most of my life because he was more focused on cars than contacting me.
My Father figure is my step-dad who raised me like his own son when i was only 2 yo. I would never date a woman who already have kids and yet he always acted in my best interest, sometime even arguing in my favor against my mother

>>35947404
>Would be important to tell at this point
Wouldn't tell her, since it's a professional relationship, she doesn't care, it's not her business, and I don't want to look like I want to gain pity points from her. She's a university professor, not a kindergarten teacher. Maybe I tell THAT I had private problems, but not any details. If she wants proof, a can get a certificates from 2 psychologists I went to.
If you want to know, my mother tried to kill herself the weekend before I started my studies, and was in the hospital a couple of weeks after that. I tried to cope with this shit by doing much work, so the prof knows me as the guy who did the most the first 6 weeks and then never showed up again. After a while I snapped and wasn't able to focus at all or to talk to someone without falling into Rage mode.

>>35947551
>Yea but you made that assumption without any context

What is not context to you is to me. There is a whole lot of context here. I may be upfront with my information, but I'd much rather be wrong and risk annoying you (and sounding like a dick, as the case may be) than being too slow and failing to give you relevant information that may be of use later.

I remember defending my parents much the same way in front of various experts, when I shouldn't have. I just hope you won't ragequit on me.

>My parents are potty mouths, admittedly.

You probably don't know it, but that's abuse already. It's one of those things I discovered myself fairly recently. You're not supposed to allow yourself to use swear words around kids, and in the case of my parents, I was punished for swear words that they used daily. See to it that you aren't punished for using the same swear words, or else you'll see some injustice in there.

>we were out to dinner and I basically butted her out of every conversation with my dad, and made her a third wheel, later in the phone she called me an asshole, and I can admit I was being an asshole

Why did she wait to say anything? I thought she was brutally honest.

How did you "butt her out" of every conversation? Did you even notice or do it on purpose? (Did you actually do it at all?) (Each of these questions require an answer, by the way.)

>Talk about my breakdowns, and focus on those, but if you're dead set in my mother being the cause we'll talk about her

If you have a better idea of what caused your breakdown, let's go with what you have. If you have nothing, bear with me. You may not trust me but I know my shit.

>>35947551
>We don't really have issues or arguments, I said she's just rather blunt, and to the point, even if it seems mean. We don't really butt heads or anything

So you accept being treated a certain way and, by now, it's normal to you.

Give me examples of the mean things she says to you.

>>35947553
>BPD? because if that, I'd have to give up a lot of fucking freedom, I've seen perfectly normal people with a spot of BPD get treated like retards

I don't know what you mean. If you have BPD, you should seek a therapist for it and do the appriopriate therapy. BPD folks aren't retarded and I don't know why any professional would treat them as retards. As to freedom, apart from appointments with your therapist, I don't see what else you'd lose.

>>35947661

I fail to see who in your childhood taught you to have abnormally loose boundaries, then. Any idea?

>>35947667
>She's a university professor, not a kindergarten teacher.

And as such, she knows the devastating effect of such an event.

Man, anyone would be severely diminished by such a thing. It's human.

You're far too scared of being ridiculed or something, you have no reason to be. Inform your teacher.

Some interesting characters rearing their heads. Be honest now, Nick: are you actually trying to assemble a cadre of maladjusted characters for some shady supervillain hijinx? Because I'd be pretty ok with that. I hope you can supply us with elaborate, gimmick-based technology though.

>>35947731
>Abnormally loose boundaries
Wanna know what litteraly everyone told me when she left me?
>Too good too dumb
>Pawns get moved
And so my defining trait for them became
>way too kind

Childhood was messy,mostly because i just hated school in general. Id say loose boundaries probably came from there and by myself
>always pushing boundaries of acceptable
>always finding ways to bypass rules
>generally fucking shit up
>getting in fights with 3-4 farmers kids at a time because i wasnt part of their John Deer cult

But i had great grades, 2nd best of class most of the time(a girl always had 90+ because her father was the local banklord)
>until they started removing points randomly because "i wasnt making any effort"

>>35947905

Nick's Eleven.

I have no idea what we could do, though.

Or maybe I work for NASA and we've just discovered alien life and they're ruthless, so we need to scare them first. I'm here to put together a team of "diplomats" that will make a heavy impression on the aliens.

>>35947907
>Wanna know what litteraly everyone told me when she left me?

Yes, though I can imagine.

>>35947761
>You're far too scared of being ridiculed or something
True.
See, my problem is that it's actually enough to explain to her that I couldn't do it and to ask for a new deadline for that paper. I don't know how americans would handle this situation, but undergrads in europe are expected to be mature enough to handle a Situation like that like a grown up. So I somehow know what to do, but I'm just afraid that I fall back on the behavior pattern that I act in a way a child would act to gain a pity-bonus.
My voice goes up, I look desoriented, stressed, somehow become smaller, am overly polite, and act helpless in general, just because I wasn't in such a Situation before, and am not sure how she will react. My problem is that I probably will act like a total beta who don't has his shit together, and that I will make an emberassement of myself in front of this person that I have to work with the next couple of years.

First time posting. First time on /r9k/ actually. Got drunk and felt kinda shitty so I thought I'd go laugh at the nerds worse off than me to feel better about myself. It's not really working. Just makes me feel worse about being close to being one of those nerds, I guess. Even though I suppose I'm pretty far away from it.

I'm living in Korea, and I've been using tinder on and off to find dates. They usually go okay to good (that is, I'm not thirsty) but I'm wondering if this is all there is to it. I'm kind of used to always having a girlfriend, so I feel bored and kind of empty when I don't, even though I'm pretty busy these days. I stopped using tinder for a while because all the women on there are crazy and I tended to fall for them which is a bad idea because they always changed their mind a couple of weeks in so it kinda made me feel like shit. So I stopped, but then I got lonely again so I keep going back to it. It's like some fucking drug. It's easy because when you talk to them, you already know you passed their 'initial screening'. I'd like to find an emotionally stable girl at one of the events that I go to often, but I can't just walk up to someone and talk to them.

Also I'm ranting really hard right now and I'm not sure what my initial point was. Being lonely sucks, I guess? Wish I didn't need other people to feel happy, I suppose.

>>35947982
The impression that I've gleaned of the American campus is not one that fosters maturity. Unfortunately, that culture is certainly having an effect on the UK as well. I shouldn't think it will be long before Europe is infected, if that hasn't happened already.

>>35947982
>See, my problem is that it's actually enough to explain to her that I couldn't do it and to ask for a new deadline for that paper. I don't know how americans would handle this situation, but undergrads in europe are expected to be mature enough to handle a Situation like that like a grown up.

I'm Swiss. Don't worry. Even Europeans are humans. Your teacher would have to be a cold ass cunt to make zero efforts to help you with this. I highly doubt she'd be deaf to your message.

Listen, university teachers have to be strict and appear strict so that nobody tries to abuse them by asking for extra deadlines and such.

HOWEVER, once that's understood, if a student's mother tries to fucking kill herself, and this impacts you, they will listen to you! The world isn't that evil. Write to her, see her, and discuss it with her like an adult. You have nothing to hide, this isn't your fault, you are not to blame for feeling bad about such an event!

And this isn't pity: you have been severely impeded by a tragic event, like any normal person would. It's worse than being sick. You're not asking for pity, you're informing her of a serious situation.

You aren't a beta, you're facing difficult odds and doing your best.

The way you react probably has deeper roots but that's for another time.

>>35948067
>Got drunk and felt kinda shitty so I thought I'd go laugh at the nerds worse off than me to feel better about myself. It's not really working. Just makes me feel worse about being close to being one of those nerds,

I laughed.

>I'd like to find an emotionally stable girl at one of the events that I go to often, but I can't just walk up to someone and talk to them.

Use dating websites that are more serious and not just for hookups; go for the ones that ask for more information and such.

Welcome to this thread!

>>35947688
>I'd much rather be wrong and risk annoying you (and sounding like a dick, as the case may be) than being too slow and failing to give you relevant information that may be of use later.
Sorry if it seems I think you're a dick, I don't, you're saying what you think is right and that's what I asked for
>I remember defending my parents much the same way in front of various experts, when I shouldn't have. I just hope you won't ragequit on me.
The thought of my mother "ragequitting me" has never crossed my mind
>See to it that you aren't punished for using the same swear words, or else you'll see some injustice in there.
I don't curse around my parents, I find that disrespectful, they don't curse around their, I don't curse around mine
>Why did she wait to say anything? I thought she was brutally honest.
We were out in public and I guess she just wanted to try and have a nice time and not start stuff with my dad right there
>How did you "butt her out" of every conversation? Did you even notice or do it on purpose? (Did you actually do it at all?)
Well I did literally butt her out of the way to make sure I sat next to my dad, I did start one on one conversations with my dad, I didn't mean to and didn't notice it until after I got home and ran the night back in my head
>If you have a better idea of what caused your breakdown, let's go with what you have
Okay, this is the can of worms I was talking about earlier, not my mother, I know what the first one was about, not too long ago I told my father about my "inappropriate feelings" for him and he rejected me. It's been a month or so since I've done my best to drop it and start moving in with my life. I love him but that ship has completely sailed
>>35947699
She had not problem saying I have "9th grader boobs", or that I'm "slower than a bag of rocks with people", because I do have a hard time with social cues or anything of the sorts

>>35948193
>The thought of my mother "ragequitting me" has never crossed my mind

I meant you rage-quitting on me.

Interesting misread.

>I don't curse around my parents, I find that disrespectful, they don't curse around their, I don't curse around mine

So you grew up in a house where parents told you not to use swear words, but used them themselves. Not as mundane as you may believe.

>We were out in public and I guess she just wanted to try and have a nice time and not start stuff with my dad right there

This is in contrast with how you described her before. Also, why start with your dad if you were "acting like an asshole"? It's not impossible to address stuff, even in public, in a manner that fits being in public.

>Well I did literally butt her out of the way to make sure I sat next to my dad, I did start one on one conversations with my dad, I didn't mean to and didn't notice it until after I got home and ran the night back in my head

This all seems incredibly trivial to get assblasted over, though. Were you supposed to hold your mother's hand into the conversation? Can't she just join in like a normal adult? Seems to me she kept out of it on purpose so she could whine about it later, in the form of verbally attacking you and convincing you you were an asshole, when you did no such thing.

>>35948250
>Not as mundane as you may believe.
Do you think it unusual for parents to establish a power differential in this way? In creating rules that they are not bound to follow it becomes clear who has higher status. It might not be ideal but it does serve a purpose.

>>35948193
>not too long ago I told my father about my "inappropriate feelings" for him and he rejected me.

Wait, he's your biological father?

>She had not problem saying I have "9th grader boobs"

I know you don't realise this, but that IS abuse and a very narcissistic thing to say. Inappropriate comments to one's children with a sexual connotation, and it's fucking rude as hell and condescending. What the fuck? I'd bet money your reaction to this was much reduced than anyone else's would have been. Would YOU say such a thing to your daughter?

How would you react if a female friend of yours you like said this to her daughter?

What if you saw that in a movie? What would you think of the mother?

Sorry, Zoid, but you keep listing abuse upon abuse and not seeing it, a condition I know in my flesh.

People who say such things to others don't truly love them, but they can put on a great show and reframe their abuse, as your mother does.

>brutal honesty
>no nonsense
>telling the truth
>yadda yadda

Why does alcohol make me feel so normal and grounded?

>>35948134
Thank you, Nick!
Keep it up, you are doing gods work!

>>35948286

Is abuse unusual? That answers your question.

There's a difference between being an adult and being allowed to go to bed at a later time and whether or not the adult will swear around children.

Generally, the adult just chooses not to swear so the kid doesn't start swearing too. You can't rule over the adult anyway, he's the boss already, no matter what. But when you ask your children not to do something you do yourself, a thing you present as bad, then there's a problem. Going to bed late is not a problem intself, it's not aggressive or anything, but swearing is another matter.

Swearing was common in my house. I'd say cocks and dicks and faggots at school like it was punctuation. I got physically punished for merely repeating words I heard in my father's mouth, I had no idea it was "swearing".

The best way to establish "power differential" is to take care of the kid. Only a "superior" being (to stay in your lexicon) can take care of another.

>>35948337

Because you're neither normal nor grounded.

>>35948348
>you are doing gods work!

Thank you. This exact phrase comes up so often, I'm starting to think it's a real message from the big guns upstairs...

I appreciate your kind words!

I have a real problem having conversations OP.

If I'm with one or two people I get anxious, stomach knots up, and i cant think of anything to say.

I don't want to bore people or make them think I'm a freak.

I'm also hella depressed. I saw a counsellor for a while at college but nothing since. Didn't really help.

>>35948430

Ask questions.

Listen and ask some things about what people say or who they are.

It'll get you a long, long way. Then, things will naturally pop up.

Don't worry about talking, everyone wants to talk, focus on listening. You'll be much loved if you can listen to people.

>>35948356
I suppose one difference I struggle to remain cognizant of is that 'superior' ought to mean more moral rather than simply more powerful.

On an unrelated note, I'll have some time to myself and I'm hoping that I'll be able to shift in a controlled way, so if the thread is up toward the latter part of the evening, that could be interesting for you. I say this evening because as I mentioned it happened in therapy the other day and I suffered no adverse effects. That it happened at all in 'normal' circumstances means it's more likely to happen again, especially if I have a few drinks alone rather than a ton in company. After tonight I'm going teetotal again at any rate.

>>35948510
>I suppose one difference I struggle to remain cognizant of is that 'superior' ought to mean more moral rather than simply more powerful.

Hell yes. That's why I stir you this way.

Have you ever met someone who had a condition like yours? The DID stuff.

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>>35947957
Hey, i forgot to thank you for listening to my story, there is many thing i said in here that i never even told my best friend and i do think it unstucked some of my thoughts but i know the journey is not over to close that hole in my heart

>>35948250
>Interesting misread.
Not an interesting misread
>Not as mundane as you may believe.
I don't feel like it's a big deal, they're called adult words for a reason. That's not to say I've never cursed around an adult but never around family, even if they're my age range
>This is in contrast with how you described her before. Also, why start with your dad if you were "acting like an asshole"?
Is it? And I meant that she wouldn't start stuff with me with my dad sitting right there, not start stuff with my dad, I could've used better wording on that
>This all seems incredibly trivial to get assblasted over, though. Were you supposed to hold your mother's hand into the conversation? Can't she just join in like a normal adult? Seems to me she kept out of it on purpose so she could whine about it later, in the form of verbally attacking you and convincing you you were an asshole, when you did no such thing.
I admittedly went out of my way to keep her out of conversations, I never cut her off but I'd change the subject or start talking when I knew she wanted to talk
>>35948308
Running out of room so I can't quote
Yea he's my biological father, I know it's weird, don't need to tell me that

I'm 19 and don't have friends but if I heard that I'd probably think "oh that's kinda rude"

Depends on the movie, if it's a drama I'd think "what a bitch", but the mother would probably say it like a bitch, not casually like my mom did, if it was a comedy I'd laugh. Somewhere in between where the mother said it in the tone mine did, and the girl does have small boobs, I'd probably laugh a bit, not too hard because it's an insult

>>35948557
As I mentioned, the older woman in my group has something similar. Each part has its own name etc for her. One part is male as well.

>>35948584

Very welcome. Talking about it, thinking about, this is how you begin your journey to a better life.

I'm glad you did it. Proud of you!

Im addicted to alcohol. Any tips?

>>35948602
>I don't feel like it's a big deal, they're called adult words for a reason.

And that reason is that they shouldn't be used around children. (I will sound confrontational a lot but all I am trying to do is give you a perspective that doesn't come from your parents, which you need.)

>And I meant that she wouldn't start stuff with me with my dad sitting right there,

Interesting. Is she ashamed of her behaviour, do you think? She does she have things to hide?

>I admittedly went out of my way to keep her out of conversations, I never cut her off but I'd change the subject or start talking when I knew she wanted to talk

Now it sounds like your mother can be bullied around by you when you introduced her as a baseball bat-wielding maniac. I am very confused! It sounds like she could have done something if she had wanted, but chose not to, yet blamed you for it afterwards.

>Yea he's my biological father, I know it's weird, don't need to tell me that

Please relax, I wasn't going at you, I wanted to make sure he was your biological father and not your foster father or stepfather.

>"oh that's kinda rude"

Trust me, it's more than rude, coming from a parent.

> but the mother would probably say it like a bitch, not casually like my mom did,

I almost feel physical pain when I read this, because that's exactly how they get away with it. Same thing with my parents: the tone is all nice, but they say the meanest fucking shit. You start feeling bad and don't really know why.

Focus on this: no matter the tone, this is NOT something you tell your child, period.

The truth, said to hurt, is worse than most lies.

>>35948678

Read BPD symptoms, report back.

>>35946655
I had bad depression in the past, but much less so now. I also have insomnia, which might be part of it.

>bad news on the way
Such as?

>>35948846
>Such as?

I can't tell you yet, but nobody gets depression for nothing.

Do you feel like your parents know who you truly are?

>>35948953
My depression has gotten a lot better, but I'm still struggling to shake off my lack of focus/motivation. A lot of the problems I had a few years ago when my depression was the worst have been resolved somewhat. Do you think I'm going to get full-blown schizophrenia or cancer or something?

>Do you feel like your parents know who you truly are?
No, not really

>>35949034
>A lot of the problems I had a few years ago when my depression was the worst have been resolved somewhat.

My spidey sense says these were only secondary problems, and not the deeper roots of what made you likely to suffer from depression.

>Do you think I'm going to get full-blown schizophrenia or cancer or something?

No. But you might discover things about yourself.

>No, not really

Brace, brother. You're about to get out of the Matrix.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Report back on whether this sounds like someone you know.

>>35948753
>I will sound confrontational a lot but all I am trying to do is give you a perspective that doesn't come from your parents, which you need.
I don't mind, I'm not made of glass
>Interesting. Is she ashamed of her behaviour, do you think? She does she have things to hide?
>Now it sounds like your mother can be bullied around by you when you introduced her as a baseball bat-wielding maniac. I am very confused! It sounds like she could have done something if she had wanted, but chose not to, yet blamed you for it afterwards.
I think she didn't do anything because she just wanted to have a nice night with the three of us for the first time in years
>Please relax, I wasn't going at you, I wanted to make sure he was your biological father and not your foster father or stepfather.
I didn't take it like that, I meant that to be read casually like "yeah yeah it's weird" not that you were attacking me. I guess for future reference that's the tone I try and have with a lot of what I say in case it sounds like I'm being defensive or sound offended, I just can't convey tone over text
>I almost feel physical pain when I read this, because that's exactly how they get away with it. Same thing with my parents: the tone is all nice, but they say the meanest fucking shit. You start feeling bad and don't really know why.
It didn't hurt me or anything, it's not causing some trauma or something, it's a fact
>The truth, said to hurt, is worse than most lies.
She didn't say it with intention to hurt, and it's not news to me
And in general I'll take the harsh truth over a lie

I'm 18. Currently in a long term relationship. Currently gf is being distant. Doesn't message me first, doesn't call me and makes excuses for not seeing me like "Gotta help my Mum". I feel like i'm no longer a priority.

I have aspergers and hyperlexia. I used to go to counseling but no more.

>>35949077
>It didn't hurt me or anything, it's not causing some trauma or something, it's a fact

Or so you think. You're the one who has crying spells for unknown reasons, right? We can safely assume that you aren't connected to your true feelings merely because of that. For now, we're trying what could be things you don't "feel" about on the spot, but make you feel later, when you can't repress them anymore.

No normal person can remain insensitive to their own mother mocking their body, and no mother should ever do that. It's highly abusive. I've suffered almost all sorts of abuse (to my knowledge), and words were always the worst (apart from the drowning bit I suppose, but even that was made far worse with words).

>She didn't say it with intention to hurt,

How do you know? You don't know.

>and it's not news to me

There was no need to say it, then. Imagine you're about to mock your daughter's breasts, what goes through your mind before you decide to inform your own child of the obvious? Why do you say that crap to your child?

>And in general I'll take the harsh truth over a lie

The truth need not be harsh, and in this case, it's not like you didn't know, so what gives?

Do you go up to handicapped people and tell them the harsh truth that they're handicapped?

>harsh truth

Another code word for abuse.

>>35949221

Did you ask her about it?

mutedorignringeiogerigeorgegegege

>>35949070
she is great bicth in porn i conquer my narcissism and cum so hard my semen became fermion condensate, cause second big bang i fuck my twin

I've been a hikikomori for two years. I used to be passable as a normie before but because of how little interaction I get by living this sort of lifestyle now, I just don't know how to talk about myself with normies (unlike robots, we don't have the mutual suffering that brings us together) anymore. My life is so empty that when normies ask me to introduce myself or what I'm up to, I always don't know how to answer anymore so I divert the conversation back to them. My entire day consist of anime, 4chan, discord and occasionally, vidya. I'm trying to recover from my hikki ways because I'd hate to be like this forever, but this really does seem to be holding me back and I come across as uninteresting by doing this. Is it a catch 22? How do I get better at conversation after so long?

I have a slightly fucked up internalized idea of love which I think is sabotaging my current relationship and potentially all my future ones. I feel like if the person loved me they should be able to do anything for me, no matter how absurd what I request. It's okay if they can't succeed, knowing they tried is good enough. I'm ideally willing to do the same.

I feel like I have this giant hole in me that keeps telling me that I'll never be loved. I'm constantly sabotaging my current relationship to affirm that I'm unlovable.

I'm also extremely predictably moody? I feel like my ideas and values shift as my moods do.

Also, I have very little guilt + remorse. How do I get some?

There are more things wrong with me but I think those might be symptoms.

>>35949312
>she is great bicth in porn i conquer my narcissism and cum so hard my semen became fermion condensate, cause second big bang i fuck my twin

Say that again as if I were 5.

>>35949070
Part of my depression could be a sense of purposelessness. Living in modern society makes me feel like a caged animal. A lot of activities people typically do for fun, like video games, sports, etc feel "useless" to me. I also have almost no social network besides people on the internet. Most people seem to talk about trivial bullshit and small talk, whereas I can only hold conversations on deep political or philosophical topics.

>Report back on whether this sounds like someone you know
My parents aren't particularly like this. My dad is a beta cuck, and has the personality of Bess Kalb. My mom is slightly more tolerable, but she can still often be bitchy, oversensitive, and a bit stupid.

>>35949343

We have to find out why you're this way.

Try to explain (it's OK if you can't do it, I expect it).

>>35949395
>I feel like if the person loved me they should be able to do anything for me, no matter how absurd what I request. It's okay if they can't succeed, knowing they tried is good enough. I'm ideally willing to do the same.

I can relate.

Everything else you say is virtually textbook Borderline Personality Disorder.

The lack of guilt and and remorse may be something worse though.

Those are clearly symptoms.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

Read and report back.

>>35949442
>Everything else you say is virtually textbook Borderline Personality Disorder.
Is that what you say to everyone? Because that's what it seems like.

>>35949280
It was a light hearted jab at most to me, and it was a year ago, the crying spells just started
I'm gonna go for a bit, do you have a time frame or something for the day?

>>35949442
I have a dx'd for BPD. Don't know how to fix. I don't know how to feel bad first to fix the bad personality.

I have potentially given my SO PTSD and they're still here with me. I "know" I fucked up, but I don't feel much.

>>35949489

I prepared a post for you but can't send it because of "non-ascii" and I can't find what it is.

>>35949500
>It was a light hearted jab at most to me

You tell yourself that, but that's not what it was. Honestly. It being years ago makes zero difference.

I'm affected by things that happened over 20 years ago that I cannot even remember.

>I'm gonna go for a bit, do you have a time frame or something for the day?

I'll be around until I decide I've had enough of this life. I'll be here for the next 6 hours or more.

I'm working out, then I'll shower but I check on the thread between sets.

>>35949579

Have you tried DBT?

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>>35949414
Bad chain of events.
>have robot friend irl
>became addicted to vidya
>became addicted to the internet
>we both started to neglect real life and unironically distanced ourselves from the normans
>people still liked me though
Later
>finish school forever
>this is where my plight begins
>join a course that only requires me leave the house two days per week
>still manage to pass as a cyborg for a year
>discover 4chan
>the next year, my neet tendencies started to develop
>start to get depressed and resent the world for no reason
>never leave the house for things other than my course anymore
>applied to several jobs, got rejected, gave up
>started getting really addicted to anime, vidya and the internet
>sleep pattern starts becoming inverted
>start to feel apathy against life and the world
>often contemplate where I'm headed in life
>tried to see a shrink but healthcare here is slow and disorganised and it ended up not happening because I gave up on that too
>start feeling defeated and resort to becoming a hikki

>>35949663

Much of that I can relate to.

What are your living conditions now? Your age? How do you support yourself or are supported?

>>35949651
It might've worked when I was just BPD, but I feel like it's evolved into something worse. I don't think my biggest problem anymore is impulse control and having no self-esteem, or whatever. I've become much more sadistic and self-centered.

>>35949698
18 on parentbux. I plan to find a job this summer once my course is over but to be honest, I feel uneasy about the idea after spending so long away from the real world.

>>35949702

Look into antisocial disorder.

>>35949726

Try to see if there's any group therapy for people with similar problems.

That would be a good first step to socialising again.

>>35949738
I'm not that bad. I don't do things that could get me into real, legal trouble.

>>35949780
>I'm not that bad. I don't do things that could get me into real, legal trouble.

The worst things that have been done to me aren't things that were illegal.

Moreover, antisocial isn't restricted to unlawful acts:

failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly
performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;

irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

>>35949844
I repeatedly lie but only so I can pass off as a kind normie. Even then, I'm not repeatedly lying so much as I'm just not telling them the entire truth, which most people don't do already.

I don't relate to any of the symptoms you've posted except for the last one and being impulsive.

I have an emotional wall that I try to keep people from reaching. If they do, then they learn I'm not a good person and they dislike me. For the most part, it's pretty easy to keep people away.

>>35949911
>I repeatedly lie but only so I can pass off as a kind normie.

I'll ask you to give me examples so I don't have to just take your word for it but can judge for myself, mostly so that in case you don't see straight, I can give you a different perspective.

"Buffalo Bill" is someone in my life I try to understand vicariously through some people here.

I have some questions for you.

Suppose does "find your dark side"; what happens next?

Do you suddenly hate them forever and never want to have anything to do with them again?

>>35950018
My initial feeling is drop and move on. It's only happened twice, and the first person discovered it with me so I am still okay with them. The second person has only seen a glimpse of it, and I haven't talked to them nearly as often as I used to.

>>35950058
>My initial feeling is drop and move on.

Sounds like it.

Do your feelings tend to die quickly? As in, you are in love, and then you lose it all.

>>35950081
It's up and down. When I'm first in love, I'm obsessive. Then it tapers off and comes back and disappears again, but I'm surprisingly loyal.

>>35950105
>but I'm surprisingly loyal.

That's good.

I'm trying to fix my life, and I know what I must do, but the free time is killing me. It always leads me to dwell on my situation and make me feel worse, especially since I can't get lost in my hobbies like I used to be able to. What's a way I can get out of this trap, and at least not make free time so awful?

>>35950127
Cheating is a big no no, and I always come back, though that's not necessarily a good thing I guess.

>>35950180

Start working out. It'll take out some time and will be well used.

I'm out for about 30 minutes or so. Will be back soon. Speak amongst yourselves.

Back.

Bad job on speaking amongst yourselves...

Who's around?

>>35950882
I'm here. Can you tell me a bit more about the benefits of exercise, and specifically how they could help apathy/lack of pleasure?

>>35951083

Yes. There are countless benefits to working out and getting more muscles.

Lately, I work out more for my mind than my muscles, because it does give me a huge boost in not wanting to end everything right there and then.

I used to have a fit thread around here. I lost all my dox in my dead computer, but maybe some other people here can dump stuff. I'll list more reasons when I have more time. Forgive me.

>>35951203
I know it works, but what specifically does it do? Like, did it make you momentarily happy, or did it make you happier as a whole?

>>35951225

Both. When you can look at yourself naked and you like what you see, it's a huge change for someone who used to take showers in the dark to avoid seeing what he thought was his major ugliness.

So both momentarily (for a whole evening) and in the long run. It's good in every way.

>>35951279
I suppose so, I did spend my entire childhood ashamed of being obese.

Anything is better than nothing at this point. I spend a lot of my time venting anonymously on the internet, but I know it's doing me no good, and probably making me worse.

>>35951323

I wish I had my old fitness guide for you.

Learn about calories first, my good man. It's the key to weightloss. You don't even need to work out for that, you can start huge changes by just counting your calories and eating less of them than your body needs.

Focus on nothing else for the moment. Check out how many calories for a 100 g of the foods you eat.

A human needs 2000kcal on average, 2000 calories for conveniency. It varies a lot depending on size, sex, age, etc.

>>35951415
The difficult thing is that I don't know how to plan meals. My diets always fall apart because I just try to eat chicken breast for dinner every night with produce and I don't know how to switch it up. Every time I try to understand, it's complicated and looks like it takes tons of effort.

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>>35950882
Hi Dr. Nick.
I'd like an unofficial opinion on whether or not I'm on the right track concerning my self-diagnosis on schizoid personality disorder, or if I'm just assuming things. Going both by the ICD-10 and DSM-V criteria, it would seem to be true, but as I said, I'd like your view on it. My grandmother suffered from schizophrenia, which apparently has some genetical connection to SDP.
>ICD-10 criteria I fulfill
>* Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.
I have very little to compare my experiences to, but I do not really feel any affection for people, even if they apparently hold it towards me. I do have some slight affection to my immediate family, but I would not call it love.
>* Consistent preference for solitary activities.
Self explanatory.
>* Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.
No friends, no desire for them. Any potential friendships and active social relationships I've cut or abandoned myself.
>* Indifference to social norms and conventions.
I'm not quite certain what is meant by this, to be honest. I will act in accordance to them, simply to avoid conflict or shame, but I do not actually give a damn about them. They have no value for me.
>* Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.
I spend very much time in my own head and in escapism and I form different fantasies on just about anything and everything, in many and more situations.

>* Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.
Maybe. I have a rather high libido, but I do not really feel any need or want for intimacy, or actual relationships with other people. Like all the social actions preceding and following the sex itself aren't worth the trouble when I can just fantasize about something and jerk off.

Hey I have extremely low self esteem and feel like my mind is completely chaotic.
Can't bring myself to give a fuck about anything yet I'm anxious all the time.

Pls help

>>35951451

It's super easy, don't worry.

All you gotta do for now is focus on calories. Look up the labels of anything you eat. It may require you to do simple maths, but that's all.

You don't even need to be super precise, in time, you'll get the hang of it.

Try to eat no more than 2000kcal a day, as a started, OK? Now, whenever you eat anything, write down the calories on the same piece of paper, possibly pinned to the fridge.

Add up whenever you eat, then stop before 2000kcal.

That's all. You can eat anything you want, whenever. I've lost over 10 kilos doing nothing else but that, and that includes eating peanut butter from the fucking jar.

>>35951572
Sure, I'll try it. One question though: When I eat vegetables, they don't fill me up at all. I can never tell the difference, and I feel like I wasted my time eating them. That's normal, right? What do I do with all of those extra calories saved by eating by eating vegetables over snacking?

>>35945942

Hey Nick. For the last 12/13 years I have had an enormous fear of sleep. I am not exactly sure what caused it.

At first, it was just that I didn't want to sleep. Which I thought was normal. But as time went on it wasn't,
>I Wouldn't sleep
Or
>I Couldn't sleep
It became
>I shouldn't sleep
I would stock my fridge with Red Bull and drink it Almost 24/7. I tried taking sleeping pills, and they seemed to work but with or without them I would wake up (from a nightmare that was worst then the last one I had every time) in the middle of the night covered in sweat. I work as a Graphic Designer and I feel like this affects my work. There isn't much outside help I can get, but nobody else knows I have been having this problem

>>35951643

Sorry forgot the name

>>35951488

I'd say that seems a solid self-diagnosis. I've always wanted to meet someone who met all these symptoms, to see "for real".

You are a mystery to me, sir, and I would like to know more.

Are you happy?

>>35951520

Read about complex PTSD, report back later.

>>35951604
>they don't fill me up at all.

That's because the fuckers barely have any calories. I don't even consider them food. They're good because they have trace elements you need and all that, but they won't feed you in terms of energy. Vegetables are always a side thing.

>What do I do with all of those extra calories saved by eating by eating vegetables over snacking?

Try beans in cans, that'll fill you up in terms of space.

Beans contain protein so that's good.

>>35951783
Alright. So far, I've got chicken, beans, rice, pasta, pork, and lunch meats as staples of my diet (for filling me up). Anything else I should add? Fish is rather expensive.

>>35951643
>I have had an enormous fear of sleep. I am not exactly sure what caused it.

I used to not want to sleep because of nightmares. My mother gave me sleeping pills at an early age, and I now wonder what happened to me once I was no longer conscious.

Do you see any reason to fear sleep?

Let's dig this up. Give yourself a name.

>>35951805

All you need is basic food, which usually are cheaper, and avoid processed food, and you're good to go. Sounds like a nice list. Make sure to have things you like, even chocolate, as long as you count the calories, anything goes and you'll lose weight, guaranteed by science.

Have some fish once a week or so, it's fine.

>>35945942
University starts again in two weeks
Right now I am staying at a mental hospital for my paranoid schizophrenia and a few other things
My treatment won't be done any time soon and I am unsure what to do
Not being there the first few weeks probably means that I won't make any friends and miss some important classes

What is more the first few weeks or the hospital?

>>35951861
Alright, thanks. If you're still doing these threads in a week or two, I'll tell you of my progress.

>>35951884

What is your treatment about?

I thought to myself that making friends at uni is done in the first weeks, I had never thought of that before yesterday. Pretty amazing.

>important

Are you able to function at university? I think you'll be able to make friends even if you come later. If you can make friends usually, you'll be fine.

>>35951934

Deal!

oringirngrningnskgsgnsk (can we cancel that original bullshit? all it does is force us to write bs)

>>35951726
>Are you happy?
I wouldn't specifically say happy, but I am mostly content.
>I would like to know more.
Shoot.

>>35951764
>complex PTSD
Well, I've never been through abuse of any kind aside from slight bullying when I was a kid and even then it wasn't that bad. So that's probably not it.

I don't even really know who I am. I read about various psychological disorders and find stuff that I can definitely relate to (notably Avoidant PD, APD and SPD) but it doesn't feel consistent.

I sometimes alternate between positive feelings of not giving a fuck ("I can do whatever I want, no need to stress about things") and negative feelings of helplessness/lack of confidence.
I was never a confident person to begin with anyway. I tend to avoid contact with people not only because I'm rarely interested in social contact, but also because I figure that they don't like me, don't need me, and that it makes things better for everyone if I just withdraw from interacting.
Which doesn't really bother me, actually, it feels somewhat liberating in a way.

I have trouble with empathy because I don't really feel any attachment to people including my family most of the time, but go through periods where I feel bad about not caring enough. I do have affection for some people but it seems to come randomly.
Most of the time, I'm more or less devoid of compassion towards others, especially strangers.

I indulge in escapism most of the time even though I know it's not good, but I can't help but feel it's objectively superior to most "real" things.
I'm thinking about forcing myself to drop that by pursuing a career that I'd find stimulating enough, like something in the military, but I'm not sure of myself.
Overall I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, just numb and worried.

Sorry for the wall of text but I tried to be as specific as possible.

>>35951987

Do people seem hard to understand to you?

Have you ever been in love?

Do you understand how people can love someone so much that when they are left, they want to die and often do kill themselves?

Do you have fears?

>>35952007

Complicated case! Have you ever seen a mental health professional?

>>35951944
>What is your treatment about?
Giving me structure mostly
Also my meds are currently being changed around
>Are you able to function at university?
Probably?

>>35952086
No, I'm 19 and still live with my parents, and I wouldn't want them to ask me questions about that.
The only time I've seen a psychiatrist was when I had existential fears as a kid and I don't think it really helped.

>>35952091

All right, if someone is in charge of you at uni, you should tell them in advance about your specific condition, you may even get benefits for it.

I'd like to know about your symptoms, Bob. Mostly sheer curiosity.

>>35952115
>I wouldn't want them to ask me questions about that.

You mean your parents about seeing a psychiatrist? Or your psychiatrist about living with your parents?

Anything abuse in your past? And I mean the whole range, not just rape, molestation, or beatings.

>>35952163
Oh, no, I mean my parents asking me about why I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

>abuse
I don't think so.
I was extremely introverted and withdrawn as a kid, even more than right now, so I got picked on a lot and hated school, but I don't think that qualifies as actual abuse. It never led to suicidal thoughts or anything, just high stress at worst.

I also think I actually had a decent upbringing and have no real issues with my parents, not that I know of at least. I had a strong father figure, maybe my mother was too protective though.

I dislike blaming my problems on others but maybe she's somewhat projected her anxiety on me since she's always stressed about something and her demeanor really pisses me off at times.

>>35952257
>my parents asking me about why I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

Are you trying to tell me that your parents don't know you suffer from a mental illness serious enough that you spend time in hospital? Don't they wonder about the hospital?

> so I got picked on a lot and hated school, but I don't think that qualifies as actual abuse

It doesn't just qualify, it is abuse. Bullying is abuse. No arguing. You make yourself responsible for it too, and that's underserved. It wasn't your fault you were withdrawn.

> I had a strong father figure, maybe my mother was too protective though.

Things I could have said a year ago. I'll ask you to define how your father was strong and how your mother was overprotective. And to get a name or else I will confuse you with 10 other anons.

>I dislike blaming my problems on others but maybe she's somewhat projected her anxiety on me since she's always stressed about something and her demeanor really pisses me off at times.

Ding! I hear you out loud about not blaming others for one's own stuff, but in this case, it's not your fault.

>projected anxiety

Possibly much more than just projecting stuff. Trust your feelings, they aren't wrong.

How does she piss you off exactly?

>>35952124
>I'd like to know about your symptoms

>paranoid schizophrenia
I think people can read my mind
I can't speak without meds. I start a sentence and half way through I forgot what I wanted to say. Also happens to my thoughts
Think people around me want to hurt me either physically or mentally/emotionally
Constantly think about hurting everyone around me because of that
Rarely have hallucinations

>borderline
I kinda got it under control now
Used to self harm a lot
Spent a shit ton of money without any control. currently trying to pay it back
Emotions would swing from one second to the next
Felt alone

>tremor
I shake 24/7
It gets worse when my anxiety is getting stronger

>AvPD
Scared of humans
Don't want any attention
Get the usual anxiety symptoms: (tremor)>sweating>heart racing>trouble breathing>chest pain>cloudy mind
Anxiety of anxiety is pretty bad(ie I know I will have anxiety tomorrow so I get anxiety right now)

>depression
Feel numb quite a lot
Lack energy
A lot of stuff that used to be fun isn't fun anymore
currently trying to get some hobbies

>>35952344

Damn... What happened to you, Bob? Or do you think it's purely genetic?

>>35951834

Well my name is Jude. The only real reason I know to fear sleep is a lack of productivity. As I mentioned, I fear my job is affected by this. At the same time though, I feel if I sleep I'll lose all the valuable time I could use making money or doing work.

>>35952382
>The only real reason I know to fear sleep is a lack of productivity.

Really? I mean... doesn't being tired make your productivity worse?

I'm not sure this fear would cause you to have nightmares and to be sweating that much. There's got to be something else.

When did this start?

>>35952049
>Do people seem hard to understand to you?
Not really. I don't really feel it in any way, but I can rationally deduce why people are acting the way they are, at least in what limited social situations I've found myself in.
>Have you ever been in love?
Not really love, but I've had a single bout of infatuation when I was 13 or 14, with some very slight erotomania. Never did anything and it faded out over time.
>Do you understand how people can love someone so much that when they are left, they want to die and often do kill themselves?
I understand the concept, but I can't really imagine an emotion or feeling that strong. I guess you could say I don't understand it.
>Do you have fears?
Slight acrophobia, but other than that can't think of anything.

>>35952449

Do you ever laugh?

>>35952378
No one else in my family has mental issues
I spent most of my life infront of a computer
8th grade my social anxiety started and then it just kept getting worse

>>35952539
On occasion.
Now that I think of it, I either don't pay enough attention to it to remember when I've laughed, or I laugh quite rarely.
I don't laugh nearly as easily as most people do, that much I know. Things people find funny, I most often don't.

>>35952643

No ancestry of anyone having such issues?

Do you remember your childhood well?

>>35952661

I expected something like that.

What's a thing you don't get about other people?

Do you like movies? If yes, what sort?

>>35952323
Wait, I think you misunderstood or maybe I fucked up and you confused me for another poster but I'm not in a hospital. I guess it's because I didn't get a name, sorry for the confusion.

>it is abuse
Even if there was little to no physical violence involved? I've always avoided calling that bullying because I've seen people other than me actually get persecuted and it was really shitty.

Could that really have an influence on my development considering that it occurred only during the first two/three years of middle school?

>define how your father was strong
He worked a lot, but still took time to spend with us, had a lot of authority and I've always respected him. I have a healthy relationship with him right now even though our personalities are completely opposite from each other.

>how your mother was overprotective
It was during my early childhood essentially so it's kind of vague in my mind.
I know about the results of overprotection though. As a kid and teenager I was apprehensive as fuck, couldn't sleep at a friend's house for a night because I'd miss my mom, for example. I was also (and still am, sort of) a huge pussy who would get scared about anything out of his comfort zone.

Now I'm completely fine and I want to leave the house to live alone, so that kind of went away with time as I started dissociating myself from my parents more and more. I overcame some of my fears, some of them went away naturally.
I still lack spontaneity though.

>much more than just projecting
I don't know, possibly. She has issues with her parents for sure.

>How does she piss you off
Her behavior is annoying. She's very emotional, very irrational, overall I dislike people who cause drama and she's a huge drama queen, making a fuss about anything that doesn't go her way. She's just a stressful person and even though I don't hate her, I'd like to get away from her.
I've noticed my dad is much more chill when she's not there, too. I guess that's normal though.

>>35952704

I think I mixed you up with "Major". My bad!

>Even if there was little to no physical violence involved?

This misconception caused me great harm too. The worst abuse is not physical, it's psychological, emotional, and in part because it's less obvious. People spend entire lives not knowing what was done to them.

>Could that really have an influence on my development considering that it occurred only during the first two/three years of middle school?

It could. We'd have to dig and verify but I exclude nothing.

> had a lot of authority and I've always respected him. I have a healthy relationship with him right now even though our personalities are completely opposite from each other.

Were you scared of him as a child?

> She has issues with her parents for sure.

That's where it's at, pray tell.

As to your mother, check for BPD, just to clear that up.

>>35952417
>Really? I mean... doesn't being tired make your productivity worse?

I didn't phrase that correctly, I apologise. What I mean is that I want to constantly be doing work and bring a (some what) productive member of society. If my writing doesn't make alot of sense, I'm sorry about that. I'll try to keep it understandable.

>When did this start?

Something similar happened to me when I was a wee one (11 yrs) but it stopped and every thing was normal until I turned 13 yrs. Then it really started hitting me, my grades dropped, (suprised I graduated and got into a decent college) my friends stopped talking to me because I became very introverted, and my parents started thinking I was a lost cause. My brother was and still is the only one who helps me.I have managed to deal with it up until a year ago, that's when threw away my mattress and couch. And right now, I haven't slept in three days straight.

>>35952691
I have very bad memory
My entire life just feels like a blurr, especially my childhood

>>35952840
>I didn't phrase that correctly, I apologise. What I mean is that I want to constantly be doing work and bring a (some what) productive member of society. If my writing doesn't make alot of sense, I'm sorry about that. I'll try to keep it understandable.

It's OK, don't worry about it. Why is it important for you to be a "productive member of society"?

> My brother was and still is the only one who helps me.I have managed to deal with it up until a year ago, that's when threw away my mattress and couch. And right now, I haven't slept in three days straight.

That's one strange pair of parents you have if they just gave up on you like that.

I'm confusing you with the anon who doesn't believe her mother is a bit of a narc.

What are your parents like?

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8KB, 200x259px

>>35952909
>My entire life just feels like a blurr, especially my childhood

>>35952827
Oh ok, no problem.

>The worst abuse is not physical
I see. Luckily I always had at least one friend/friendly acquaintance in school so I wasn't always alone and still managed to have fun sometimes. But yeah I remember going through some hurtful stuff too.

>Were you scared of him as a child?
Yeah, actually. Is that a bad thing? I thought it meant he did a good job fixing boundaries and stuff. I stopped being scared of him and it gradually started to turn into respect/admiration when I was around ten, I think?

>pray tell
Absent father (well not really, he was there but he travelled a lot), very withdrawn mother with serious self-esteem and anxiety issues, from what I've gathered.

Aside from the mood swings and feelings of anxiety and worry, I don't think she has any of the symptoms of BPD. Then again I've kinda grown distant to her during the last year or so and I've never really asked her about herself.
I never talk to my parents about personal feelings for some reason.

I have a feel that there's something seriously wrong with me because I feel alienated from the rest of the world and pretty much never fit in anywhere, my mom is bipolar and I have mood swings, sometimes I feel ecstatic and other days I want to kill myself, but on the other hand, from a philosophical perspective, I don't believe in "mental ilness" and that people should be cured because they're different. Thoughts on this?

Also I know that I'm probably not different and everyone feels like this

Isn't therapy a scam? Isn't it true that no one can help you other than yourself? Sometimes being sad or weird is just how things are supposed to be and there/s nothing bad about it

if you know what I mean

>>35952975
>Yeah, actually. Is that a bad thing? I thought it meant he did a good job fixing boundaries and stuff. I stopped being scared of him and it gradually started to turn into respect/admiration when I was around ten, I think?

I used to think so too, but now I doubt it. Have you ever hated your father? Especially as a teen?

>I never talk to my parents about personal feelings for some reason.

Oh, Dan, that's what I used to do, for years and years. Could it be because you know you won't feel good about their feedback and you need to protect yourself somehow?

>>35953133
No, I don't think I've ever hated him. He's probably the person in my family I've consistently liked the most.
My childhood/teenage memories are somewhat blurry though. I don't know why but I don't seem to recall the past very precisely.

>that's what I used to do
What do you think that behavior comes from?
>you know you won't feel good about their feedback
I suppose there's a bit of that, but also because, for some reason, it feels inappropriate and embarrassing to me. The last time I told anyone in my family I loved them must've been when I was thirteen or so.
When my mother's affectionate with me I just don't really react. I'm fine with hugging my sister though. But I never talk about my feelings to any of them.

>>35953001
>my mom is bipolar

Read about BPD, make sure she isn't BPD rather than bipolar. If her mood swings don't last months, she may be BPD instead.

> from a philosophical perspective, I don't believe in "mental ilness" and that people should be cured because they're different. Thoughts on this?

Having cancer makes you different too, but should you live a shit life and die because of it? Furthermore, mental illness is very, very widespread. There are probably way more people with issues than there are without. Being fine is what makes you different here, I'd imagine.

>Isn't therapy a scam? Isn't it true that no one can help you other than yourself?

It's not a scam, but there are scammers out there. What you will find in a therapist is someone who knows how your mind works, and we clearly don't, most of us, and also someone to give you a different perspective.

>Sometimes being sad or weird is just how things are supposed to be and there/s nothing bad about it

Yes, the key is to understand why. Any symptoms will be there because of a reason. If you feel like shit, there's a reason, and you have to find out what that reason is.

>>35952932
I don't follow
You have been muted for 2 seconds, because your comment was not original.

>>35953253
>What do you think that behavior comes from?

Narc parents, in my case. They fed off my suffering, and I intuitively stayed away from that.

>it feels inappropriate and embarrassing to me.

It likely is.

>>35953258

Blurry and hard to remember childhoods usually mean nasty stuff happened.

>>35952697
>What's a thing you don't get about other people?
I can't really think of anything notable I don't have at least a shallow understanding of right now. If I have to say something, I would mention the specific emotions and feelings people go through in certain situations. Like the scenario you painted earlier:
>Do you understand how people can love someone so much that when they are left, they want to die and often do kill themselves?
I don't get emotions of such strength. It's just like there's a 404 feeling not found in my brain and I can't figure out how it would feel.
>Do you like movies? If yes, what sort?
Don't watch too many, but war movies and sci-fi, mostly. I prefer books whenever possible. I enjoy the activation of my imagination and the fantasy fuel they give me. Not that I read much either. I mostly play video games, listen to music and fantasize about random shit.

>>35952926

>Why is it important for you to be a "productive member of society"?

I like to think that the more I do for society, the better I become as a person. A side reason is to keep my self from suicidal territory. I'm sure you have a job, what if you lost it, had nothing to give to the world, and had to be dependent on everyone else. That's what I'm scared will happen if I don't keep working.

>That's one strange pair of parents you have if they just gave up on you like that.

I get that alot, they had done the same for my brother but he got it worse.

>I'm confusing you with the anon who doesn't believe her mother is a bit of a narc.

My Mother was too, I just assumed most of them were like that.

>What are your parents like?

My parents are the kind that don't give a fuck about what you do, as long as it doesn't affect their image for the worse

>>35945942
1. Josh
2. I have anxiety issue mainly related to health
3. I have not seen a therapist
4. I have think I hallucinate symptoms because my mind gets fixated on it. I am currently getting addicted to kratom because it the only thing that takes away the anxiety makes me normal.
5. My dad had a stroke when I was 13 and was raised by my mom, but I have a good mom.

>>35953276
Fuck man, that's pretty terrible.
I don't think that's the case for me, there must be another reason though I don't see what.

>It likely is
What do you mean?

>>35953307
>I don't get emotions of such strength. It's just like there's a 404 feeling not found in my brain and I can't figure out how it would feel.

Nicely said. I wish I could be this way sometimes. I have felt things that were so intense I was compelled to grind my fists against walls for 15 minutes. For diversion.

What do you feel when you hear music?

>>35953308
>I like to think that the more I do for society, the better I become as a person. A side reason is to keep my self from suicidal territory. I'm sure you have a job, what if you lost it, had nothing to give to the world, and had to be dependent on everyone else. That's what I'm scared will happen if I don't keep working.

You may have been used to value yourself on what you did rather than who you were, specifically by your parents.

Would you say your parents know who you really are?

(Your parents sound like good candidates for narcissism, damn.)

>>35953312
>anxiety issue mainly related to health

Did that start when your father had a stroke?

>>35953314

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

Read and report back.

>>35953416
Strangely enough, none of those fit.

My dad's a well adjusted person from what I see (probably much more so than myself) and has none of those traits at all.

My mother might have that "live through her kid's success" thing, since she's always pressured us to get a college degree (she never graduated high school) but I don't think it's narcissism, especially since she doesn't fit any of the other criteria. If she were a narcissist she'd probably have been much less understanding when I dropped out of college.

The tricky thing is that my sister has nothing in common with me at all, either, even though we've always lived in the same household (she's four years younger than I am).
She's outgoing, energetic, fucking annoying but that's probably the hormones, and generally optimistic and happy. She has lots of friends and does a bunch of activities.

Yet I'm a silent, anxious person with zero confidence who vicariously lives through passive consumption of media.

Hey.
I recently started seeing "ghosts" of the girl i used to be with. I have been living in the uni dorms and away from my city and my family for 6 months now. The first month this sort of stuff happened way more often, but they stopped after a while. Now I started to see imaginary people looking really similar to her in dark corners, in the woods and stuff. What is happening? I am not on any drugs and this is the first time i am talking about this.

>>35953591
Is she a dead?

>>35953397

>Would you say your parents know who you really are?

Until around the time I was 7 yrs, I told my parents everything. I trusted them, and they took that trust and crumpled it like a piece of fucking paper. When I was 14 I came out to my Mom that I was a Trans-Girl and Bisexual. What was her response?
> Oh? Should I dress you up like a pretty little princess? Would you like to go make out with Fags? It's a Man and a Woman, go to your fucking room. Your grounded until this phase is over.

Wasn't a phase, went through an operation to have my sex switched.

>(Your parents sound like good candidates for narcissism, damn.)

Yes they are very narcissistic, especially my Mother.

>>35953555
>she'd probably have been much less understanding when I dropped out of college.

Trips, but not necessarily. Keep in mind they love to see you fail, and they love to be the good ones.

Give me examples of issues you and your parents had together, with quotes if possible.

>>35953615
No. She is alive as i know.

>>35953615

This guy...

Kekked.


>>35953591

How clear are these visions?

>>35953618

OK.

How likely do you think it is that your sex identity was influenced by your mother?

>>35953663
For example, if I am walking down a path that is dark, and in the woods (my uni has a huge forest and I have to cross roads inside them) when I turn my head I sort of "feel" that there's that girl watching me, in the same stance, looking straight at me with no expression, but I can not "actually" see her clearly when I turn my head back.
I didn't write another type of this because I think it was irrelevant, I can notice the people with the same hair color as hers in a very large crowd, and my eyes lock onto them. But as I said I think that's irrelevant.

>>35953368
>What do you feel when you hear music?
Feelings. Melancholy, excitement, gladness. An ambient mood. The usual.
When I was younger, I could hype myself up with music to the point where I couldn't stay still, but nowadays it's a lot more subdued. Though music still has an emotionally unlocking way on me.
As an example, when my grandpa died, I felt pretty much indifferent to it, which continued in the funeral, until a certain hymn played and I got sad, specifically listening to that music in that atmosphere and much more because of it than due to my late grandfather.

>>35953749
>I sort of "feel" that there's that girl watching me, in the same stance, looking straight at me with no expression,

I got goosebump from this. Damn...

Are you still in love with this girl?

>>35953791

That's damn interesting actually. You won't feel empathy towards other humans, but music gets to you. Colour me fascinated.

How about animals?

>>35953689

I don't think it was at all. I had identified as Female for as long as I can remember, but she was the first person too know, and after she said what she said it only made me want to do the operation even more. I wanted to do everything she told me not too, if that makes sense.

>>35953639
>they love to see you fail
Well, I was a good student up until tenth grade, then my grades tanked because I stopped trying.
They didn't like that but were more disappointed and concerned than angry/frustrated. I don't really know how to word it but I don't think they had the unhealthy kind of high expectations.

>issues you and your parents had together
Like simple disagreements or actual, heated arguments?
I don't remember any of the latter because the last time I really fought with them was over three years ago.

The last thing I remember that could resemble a serious argument was when they confronted me about my lack of a social life, sexual life, and ambition altogether.
My dad was being pretty adamant about wanting me to be more outgoing and social, even though I told him I liked being alone he said I was being "unhealthy" and "wasting my youth on the computer". He isn't wrong, and I understand his point of view, but he can't seem to fathom that I like being alone.

Then we talked about how I didn't have a girlfriend, told them I wasn't interested (which is a white lie) and again I get told it's unhealthy and that "some experiences are worth trying even if you don't feel like it" or something.
My mother didn't say much during the whole exchange I think, although I remember her asking me if I was "scared of women" to which I answered no. She seemed more understanding than my father on these particular issues.

I don't know if those paragraphs were really helpful. I feel like they're just anecdotal. Tell me if you think I'm rambling too much.

>>35953808
I have been trying to suppress my affection for her for the last year, but I suppose I am actually "in love". We have not spoken to each other for ~3 months now, and I've stopped checking her online profiles, as that was sure to fuel my "visions".

>>35953843
>I wanted to do everything she told me not too, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense.

Why did you identify as a female?

>>35953873

You're not rambling, this is all valuable information.

Your parents say words about how you don't lie well, I understand, but what did they do to make anything better? Their words didn't help, that much is clear.

Did they actually help, in a practical sense, or was it all just words that made you feel bad?

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>>35953818
>How about animals?
I don't get why people are upset about shoveldog and Chinks eating dogs. I like animals though. They're cute, fluffy and don't require the kind of effort humans do. Never had any pets though, so I can't really say how empathetic I'd feel for them. I would say I'm more fond of animals than people though.

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>>35953891

I feel for you.


ormgonrigneorgieongreiongegegee

>>35953988
>I don't get why people are upset about shoveldog

Really? Whenever I see that gif I want to murder half the planet. Maybe I can try to describe my feelings in detail so it may come to make some abstract sense to you. Yeah?

>>35953915

I Identify as a Female because, it just never felt right to be a man. I really can't explain it, that's just how I was born.

>>35953944
I think they were just worried and didn't understand why I live my life the way I do.
Doesn't really help that we had this conversation almost right after a trip I took during summer vacation with a few people, during which my confidence got even lower than it previously was.

>what did they do to make anything better?
They suggested I hang out with people more, try to get some hobbies, whatever.
I told them I wasn't interested.
Now (almost two years after) I've started getting my shit together, somewhat, and getting in shape to try enlisting, so they don't bother me about that anymore.
I think one of the reasons why I want to enlist is to move out and live independently.

>in a practical sense
No, but what could they have done? They couldn't have forcibly taken my laptop or make me go jogging or anything like that.

>just words that made you feel bad
It was just words, but I wouldn't say they made me feel bad as much as they simply annoyed me.
Also, it's pretty twisted/strange but I felt some kind of satisfaction telling them that I wanted to stay alone and all that? I don't know why.

>>35954015
Can this [visions] be an actual medical thing, or just something to "get over"? I am seriously questioning this now, but I need help. Should I see a therapist or someone like that?

>>35953818
>You won't feel empathy towards other humans
I'd like to add to this that I do feel empathy. It's just weak and easily ignored.

>>35954033
>Really?
Yes. It's a dog being ineffectually euthanized. I don't feel anything from it.
>Whenever I see that gif I want to murder half the planet. Maybe I can try to describe my feelings in detail so it may come to make some abstract sense to you. Yeah?
Feel free to do so. I can't remember the last time I felt anything close to rage.

>>35954046
>I Identify as a Female because, it just never felt right to be a man. I really can't explain it, that's just how I was born.

I personally think there may be more to it than just how you were born, just like nobody is just born with BPD or NPD, but that's only a theory.

Did your mother ever express anything negative about you being a boy?

>>35954050
>No, but what could they have done? They couldn't have forcibly taken my laptop or make me go jogging or anything like that.

Forcibly, no, but a good parent would have been able to make you want to do it. Imagine if your cool best bud comes along and wants you to join him at the gym and all, you're more likely to go. Good parents manage to do that, and other things.

>Also, it's pretty twisted/strange but I felt some kind of satisfaction telling them that I wanted to stay alone and all that? I don't know why.

You stood your ground and enjoyed the freedom of not having to do as they said.

It's a red flag too, I think, that suggests your parents may not have been exactly how you thought.

I keep getting the impression that when there's any kind of doubt, there's no doubt.

But you're the better judge here, you know them.

>>35954066

How frequently does it happen?

>>35954204
The frequency changes a lot these days. Highest it was, was once a day, and the least was around once a week I think.

>>35954131

I'll try to deconstruct what happens in my mind when I see shoveldog.

I instantly imagine being the dog. Suddenly, I get violently hurt, and I wonder why, because I haven't done anything, I haven't attacked anyone, I was just sitting there. I feel immense injustice at this, because it isn't deserved, and it keeps coming, and it hurts a lot. I realise I am going to die because someone wants me to suffer, and I don't know why.

Then I add my understanding as a human, understand that someone sadistic is enjoying the dog's pain and incoming death, and it becomes a form of rape whereby someone derives pleasure from imposing something to another conscious being.

The injustice and cruelty of it, the fact that such a person exists, all of that make me rage very hard.

>>35954134

>Did your mother ever express anything negative about you being a boy?

Now that you mention it, yes she did. I remember her yelling at my father,

> One boy was enough, but you couldn't provide me with one god damn daughter? I didn't need three dicks running around my house.
Words may not be exact, but the idea was. My Mother hates everything. She will always find some way to shit on a person (Metaphorically).

You know how some people are mean on the outside but nice on the inside? My mother is not one of those people, she is cruel to the Bone. Some people should not procreate and my Mother is one of them.

>>35954193
Well, maybe, but I'd feel bad calling them bad parents just for that. I mean, me rejecting anything that relates to socializing might also have something to do with my own experiences and behavior, and it's definitely not normal.
I have trust issues, I have problems with how I see women, my mind is just a clusterfuck.
Can I really blame them for all that?
It seems unjust, especially for my dad.
My mother certainly could've passed on some nasty things to me, but whenever I argue with my father I just get the impression he's a regular guy who wants to see his kid happy, and since I never show any emotion I can understand why he'd react like that.

I'm really stubborn too so they never really manage to convince me of anything when we're arguing. But that goes for anyone really, not just my parents.

>>35954314
>Now that you mention it, yes she did. I remember her yelling at my father,

I almost didn't ask because I thought you'd have mentioned it, but I realise those things aren't that obvious and need to be extracted by a third party, very often.

Your mother does say narc shit, I almost hear my own father in her words. Nonsensical bullshit, as if your father could choose the sex of his own procreation. Narcs will say this shit and not even blink, and before you know it, you go along with the illogical bullshit. Whenever I pointed out fallacies, I'd get rebuked as an "intellectual" (as if that was bad), and that I was "pedantic" for wanted logic in an argument. Goddamn.

I'm sorry you have a mother like this.

My mother also wanted girls. I was told I was both an accident and should have been a girl (which is contradictory). I was supposed to be Vanessa. I didn't know this was a form of abuse until recently.

>>35954320

All I can say is that something's fishy in there, but that's about all.

I'm getting tired, I can't quite recall everything you said before, I apologise.

Anything else that was strange about them? Did you ever see them naked?

>>35954398

Yea it gets tough.

It's one thing if your parents set high standards, it's another thing if they set standards that are literally out of your fucking control.

>>35954461

Reddit has a "board" called /raisedbynarcissists/, and I think you should check it out.

I know, it's Reddit, but at this point, we shouldn't care more about clique mentality than our own mental health. It's a good source for first person accounts.

>>35954454
>something's fishy
Do you know what it might be, even vaguely?
>I apologise
Nah man it's all good, it's nice to be able to talk about that anyway and you're being really helpful.
>Anything else that was strange about them?
Not that I recall precisely. Aside from what I already mentioned about my mom
>ever see them naked?
Maybe once or twice when I was a kid but it didn't traumatize me or anything, I just felt embarrassed.
Heard them fuck when I was a teenager though which was kinda scary and unsettling.

>>35954509

Oh thanks, I will be sure to check it out. But I still need help with my whole sleep issue, which is why I firstly came here

>>35954514
>Maybe once or twice when I was a kid but it didn't traumatize me or anything, I just felt embarrassed.
>Heard them fuck when I was a teenager though which was kinda scary and unsettling.

Similar experiences here, though a bit more.

What I find fishy is that your feelings indicate one thing, but your rational mind another, and when this happens, the feelings are usually more on the money than the rest.

Do they ask you questions?

Do they care and think about the answers you give?

>>35954555

What happens when you try to sleep? Since I assume you must be exhausted.

>>35954577
>though a bit more.
More what?
When I said kinda I actually meant very, at the time at least. Now I don't care if I hear them fuck, but when you're eleven or twelve it's an odd thing to experience, you know?

>your feelings indicate one thing, but your rational mind another
Do you mind elaborating? I'm not really in touch with my feelings, I tend to trust logic all the time.

>Do they ask you questions?
>Do they care and think about the answers you give?
Yes and yes, although they tend to see me as too cynical and "cold" in my reasoning so when it comes to opinions about politics and current events we can't really get along. But otherwise yes, we discuss freely and they seem to be interested in what I say.

>>35954586

>What happens when you try to sleep?

The only way I'll even attempt sleep is through with passing out from exhaustion or using pills. And even then I will wake up covered in sweat from nightmares. During this sleep deprivation period there was one night where I got a full night's sleep with no nightmares.

>>35954635
>More what?

My father would walk around naked when I was a kid. This stopped later, but I remember it wasn't infrequent. He also exposed himself to me, supposedly for educational purposes, which made zero sense. He told me everyone had a scar on their penis, I may never know why he said that. I don't recall seeing a scar on his penis, either.

>Do you mind elaborating? I'm not really in touch with my feelings, I tend to trust logic all the time.

That's how you'll get fooled. If a situation seems logical, but you feel bad, trust your feeling. Unconscious parts of your mind know some shit is up and are telling you via feeling, whereas the rational part of thing is easier to manipulate.

Human beings aren't very logical in many instances, but they think they are. We adapt, we bias, we ignore, etc, and we don't realise.

>>35954684

Can you share some nightmares?

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>>35954255
>I instantly imagine being the dog. Suddenly, I get violently hurt, and I wonder why, because I haven't done anything, I haven't attacked anyone, I was just sitting there. I feel immense injustice at this, because it isn't deserved, and it keeps coming, and it hurts a lot. I realise I am going to die because someone wants me to suffer, and I don't know why.
>Then I add my understanding as a human, understand that someone sadistic is enjoying the dog's pain and incoming death, and it becomes a form of rape whereby someone derives pleasure from imposing something to another conscious being.
>The injustice and cruelty of it, the fact that such a person exists, all of that make me rage very hard.
I feel none of that. I just perceive as I see it.
How common would you say your reaction is? I know folks get seemingly upset on 4chan from it, but can't really trust what anonymous individuals say.

>>35954719

>Would you mind sharing some of these nightmares?

The only one I remember, the most recent, and the most frequent were of a husky dog mauling my Brother to death, Ripping off my genitals, (it takes place when I'm very young) and then rubbing up against my parents and them petting the Husky. This is the point where I usually wake up

>>35953411
nope more like a year or 2 ago.

>>35954694
That sounds pretty fucked up. I can't imagine why he'd do that or for what purpose. Because that shit certainly isn't educational.

I'll keep that in mind. Given how my emotions fluctuate so much and how chaotic my thoughts are though, that sounds difficult.

Do you have some idea (even if it's vague) of how these things might be related to my overall anxiety and low confidence/self esteem?

>>35954805
>How common would you say your reaction is? I know folks get seemingly upset on 4chan from it, but can't really trust what anonymous individuals say.

Literally every normal human being. Absolutely everyone except people with your type of mental disorder.

On 4chan, in fact, you'll find more disordered people, and amongst them, people who enjoy the dog's pain. Plenty of that on 4chan.

Out there, people would be outraged at shoveldog, and react the way I do.

It's more than common. I'd say over 90% of the population would react my way.

>>35954867
>I can't imagine why he'd do that or for what purpose. Because that shit certainly isn't educational.

Exhibitionism. Even the last time I saw my parents, in February, the fucker managed to expose me to his chest, showing me some "new bone" he'd discovered after losing weight. I didn't connect the dots then, but I felt weird already, like this was really not necessary.

Others outside my family made me notice that both of my parents have an unlikely will to show their skin to others. My father was topless as often as possible. And smelly.

I think, now, that he just really wanted to show me his cock.

>Do you have some idea (even if it's vague) of how these things might be related to my overall anxiety and low confidence/self esteem?

Let's look into neglect. Could it be your parents weren't evil or aggressive but that they failed to give you enough support and love as a kid?

Okay you're still here, I feel like we were mid conversation or something, sorry if we weren't and I'm just imagining that

>>35954983
Oh. Yeah, that's awful. Projecting your preferences or fetishes on your kids is a fucking terrible thing to do.

>failed to give you enough support and love
Given that I have only a very vague recollection of my childhood and early teens, that's hard to answer.
How does neglect manifest itself, if it even does? Sorry if that's a stupid question. I'm just not sure.

>>35955046

I'm still here, Zoid.

You're the one who isn't convinced your mother is a narc.

Covert narcs are more difficult to spot, and way more dangerous too.

My mother is that sort. Even after I knew about narcs, I didn't think she was one. Not until I confronted her knowingly, and saw the absolute mental vampire she was. Brrr...

>>35955046
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP

>>35954936
>Literally every normal human being. Absolutely everyone except people with your type of mental disorder.
What about desensitization?

>>35955079
>Given that I have only a very vague recollection of my childhood and early teens, that's hard to answer.
>How does neglect manifest itself, if it even does? Sorry if that's a stupid question. I'm just not sure.

It's not stupid at all. Neglect is whenever you need something as a child and aren't given it: security, love, affection, communication, food, clothes, warmth, etc.

If your parents left you alone for hours and hours, that's neglect.

>>35955126

It can slightly dull your empathy maybe, but after almost 10 years on 4chan, I still feel the same about everything.

>>35955183
Of what you've listed, communication is probably the only one I might've lacked as a kid, but it didn't come from my parents, it came from me.

Is self-inflicted neglect even a thing?
Apparently I was affectionate and communicative in my very early childhood but became more detached and unsociable during my later elementary school years.
Even when my parents were poor as fuck I wasn't mistreated or left alone. The only conclusion to make is that I removed myself from them voluntarily, I suppose.

>>35955279
>but it didn't come from my parents, it came from me.

It's not the kid's fault if he doesn't talk. You were kid, man, don't blame yourself for this. Kids don't do anything without a good reason.

>>35955334
I guess, but I really don't see why I'd just shut myself off like that.
And when people tried to make me open up I'd just reject them or bullshit them. That's one thing I remember.

I just don't understand what external factor could cause such introversion since I don't remember anything traumatic enough happening.

>>35955334
>Kids don't do anything without a good reason
Bullshit

No offense, but you seem to be leaking your own fucked up family life into your "diagnoses" of the people here.

>>35955397
>I really don't see why I'd just shut myself off like that.

Which is why I am very concerned.

No kid just shuts down for nothing.

>>35955476

Yeah, or maybe I work with kids and whenever any of them shuts down, there's always serious shit going on in their family.

I maintain that kids don't do anything without a good reason, and that reason need not be exclusively having bad parents.

>>35955094
WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP
>>35955080
You were confusing me saying narc, I was things narcotics
Would you mind exploring other options? If you have any other ideas

>>35955478
I really don't know where to look then.
It probably doesn't come from my parents, I'm 90% sure about that. A regular dad and a mother with parental issues who is otherwise pretty normal can't fuck up a kid's development so badly that he starts being antisocial during his elementary school years.

I don't know what to look for.

>>35955522
>Would you mind exploring other options? If you have any other ideas

Any idea of how your mother treated you as a baby?

>>35955578

Lots of things can happen when you're a baby that can fuck you up good.

Anything else weird about you?

>>35955726
>Anything else weird about you?
Well, aside from the introversion, anxiety, confidence issues and emotional issues
Apparently I was strangely fixated on certain objects as a kid, like autism-tier fascination for shit like traffic lights or whatever. Sounds dumb but maybe it's worth mentioning.

I tend to retreat into my own mind a lot and create complex imaginary worlds and situations. They can be inspired by stuff I read and watch.
I guess I might have somewhat masochistic (?) inclinations in general. I don't do physical self-harm though.
That's all I can think about right now.

>>35955710
Well I guess? She tried to be around as much as possible, I've always been closer to my dad though even though he isn't/wasn't around too often
I think it might be worth mentioning I have sleep issues, as simple as I can put it, if I sleep alone I barely get any. I've tried just about everything for it, but it doesn't seem to help so don't waste time on that

>>35955900
>Apparently I was strangely fixated on certain objects as a kid, like autism-tier fascination for shit like traffic lights or whatever. Sounds dumb but maybe it's worth mentioning.

Everything is worth mentioning, since you don't know what may ring a bell for me.

Were you fascinated by fire in chimneys, and rivers?

>I tend to retreat into my own mind a lot and create complex imaginary worlds and situations. They can be inspired by stuff I read and watch.

May want to check on schizoid or schizotypal; I never know which one is which, but I think schizotypal has some of that stuff.

>>35955944

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/schizotypal?s=t

Tell me if I'm hallucinating or you're all seeing the same thing I'm seeing?

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>>35955960
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/schizotypal?s=t

schlong
noun

a penis
Word Origin

German schlange 'serpent'
Usage Note

slang

>>35955993

Thanks, thought I was going schlong nuts for a moment.

I wanted to know how "schizotypal" is pronounced, I've never heard the word.

>>35955944
>fire in chimneys, and rivers?
Not that in particular, no.
As far as I know it was stuff like traffic signs/lights, cards and keys, and some common household appliances.
Even now there's occasionally some stuff I get inexplicably attracted to, though it changes regularly and it's less autistic than when I was a kid.

>schizoid or schizotypal
Yeah, I can identify with most of the schizoid traits aside from the low sex drive since I tend to jack off around four or five times per week, and the fact that I'm not completely emotionless and would still appreciate some form of affection (even though it's not a priority). I wouldn't want to self-diagnose though.
Can't really relate to schizotypal on the other hand.

I've missed like 9 threads, holy shit.

How you been Nick?

I don't know if you remember, we chatted in thread 10(?) My mother was narc and I latched onto my father, noe that he's dead I have problems trusting and wanting to get to know people.

I recently apologized to ny co-worker that I lashed out at, and he invited me out to just a casual night of drinking.

>>35956041
Isn't it skid-zow-type-ul

>>35956061
>As far as I know it was stuff like traffic signs/lights, cards and keys

I was fascinated with watch batteries, the little round ones with signs on it. I had no fucking clue what it was and the signs just blew my mind.

+
-
>mind blown

>I can identify with most of the schizoid traits

Worth looking into more, then! I'm not an expert at this one, but it sounds more like a "natural" thing than a reaction to trauma, I imagine.

Hi Nick person
been reading this thread...
You seem a little annoying but I guess that doesn't matter.
I think I should probably talk about my problems to someone but I don't want to do it here where anyone can see...
I don't really know what I want sorry

>>35956116
>I've missed like 9 threads, holy shit.

You can always catch up.

>How you been Nick?

Suicidal before I work out, ready to suffer another day after I work out, and I cry very often. Other than that, I'm peachy. You?

>I recently apologized to ny co-worker that I lashed out at, and he invited me out to just a casual night of drinking.

That gave me a happy. It's good to socialise.

Here's a question for y'all: if a coworker (same sex, no homo) suggests going out for drinks, twice over a few weeks, what does it mean?

I realise I assume people say this stuff to be polite but don't really mean it, as in, I don't know if I should have come back to him and plan for a time to go out for a drink. When he suggested it, I just said it'd be a cool idea, but then I never acted on it, assuming semi-consciously that he was just being supportive.

I have a hard time believing people want to spend time with me.

MY TURN TO SHARE, MOTHERFUCKERS! Sorry, getting tired and silly. Besides, I share all the damn time in these threads and feel bad for it.

>>35956149
kek. I guess it's just a kid thing, being inexplicably interested in seemingly mundane shit. It kinda makes sense since a kid doesn't know much about how stuff works.

Yeah I'll look into it. There's some parts of my behavior that SPD doesn't explain but it could be a start anyway.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer my posts, man. I just realized we've been at it for hours.
I'll probably go to sleep shortly, so, see you in another thread maybe.

>>35956121

I'd imagine so. But I always check when I'm not sure.

Just so no one's waiting around for me, I won't be able to talk tonight. Not for any interesting reason, just worn out. It's been a wearisome day. I didn't end up having any relaxation time and now I must sleep.

>>35956184
>You seem a little annoying but I guess that doesn't matter.

That made me laugh a little; I'm sorry I seem annoying. I hope I can change that impression.

You can always write me an e-mail if you think that'd help: [email protected]

I'll keep it all confidential.

>>35956219
I suppose if it went really well, it's not inconceivable they'd want to drink again.

Also since it's a few weeks, if they asked and not you. I think it would be a genuine request and not a 'pity polite' request.


I'm just inferring though, I haven't gone drinking with my co-worker yet.

>>35956237
>Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer my posts, man. I just realized we've been at it for hours.
>I'll probably go to sleep shortly, so, see you in another thread maybe.

It's past 1 am here, I ought to sleep too, and will, very soon.

See you soon!

>>35956271

Hope to see you around very soon.

>>35956295

You're probably right. I just have a hard time "imposing" myself on people.

>>35956284
Thanks, I might write to you, maybe not right now but in a few days

>>35956312
I understand conpletely, I was like that when I was younger. Alwayd thought I was annoying people and inconveniencing myself for no good reason.

>>35956330

Whenever you want, friend. I'll be there.

>>35956350

That! I would have had so many more friends had I believed in my own worth. Shame.

>>35955936
Sorry if I'm being pushy or needy, you asked me something and I'm not sure if you saw my response
>>35956116
>My mother was narc and I latched onto my father
This kind of activates my almonds

I'm not the best socially, but if he wants to drink with you, maybe he just wants to be your friend?

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2.
>depressed, constantly lethargic
>not enjoying what i'm studying in uni (history) and yet have no alternative to what i'm doing
>panic attacks before i went on meds. they're absolute hell
>currently on antidepressants and hoping to get a prescription for some stimulants for that artificial motivation
>just stopped smoking weed everyday for the past 8 months or so about 10 days ago. not feeling much better about anything.
>no gf, no friends. barely leave the apartment.
3.
>major depressive episode
>social anxiety disorder
>probable ADHD
4.
>almost 0 social life
>resent spending time with family/going home
>
>5.
>fairly normal kid but anxious/started crying for no reason in middle school
>very attached to my mother and didn't always get along with other kids well
>around high school stopped socializing and realized i was becoming very anxious in social situations. started to become very isolated.
>no friends, no strong talents, started channing frequently at around 15. had very little in similar with my classmates.
>only redeeming thing about HS was having a gf for my last year, but i disliked her emotional roller coasters and irrationality and felt like she was a pseud.
>worked hard in school and made it to a good uni far away from home without knowing what i wanted to study
>first semester in a dorm went fairly well, decent sized friend group
>social life slows down, panic attacks start, start smoking weed more. spend a few days daydrinking alone in my room.
>spend summer with 0 social life smoking weed every night
>move into an apartment with my buddy the next year. brief sexual relationship with an art history major, but failed to like her as a person. no social life anymore. don't leave apartment. started going to therapy after panic attacks in january. medicine for the past 10 days.

i'll be back in a bit to socialize. maybe we can repost the thread.

>>35955936

Sorry, I missed that post twice.

I'm confusing you with Jade, the transgirl who can't sleep either. Plus I think of you as some weird octopus alien, even though that's the wrong character, I'm not that familiar with Futurama.

I can't stay awake, but we'll definitely speak about your sleep issues.

For now, try breathing deeply, on your back, using your diaphragm (google it if you don't know what that is, maybe even a video or two), and try relaxing this way, by putting way more oxygen into your brain.

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>>35956573

I've read it all but can't stay awake any longer.

We'll talk next thread, or whenever.

Good night everyone!

>>35945942

Almost 12 hours in a row!

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>>35945942
problem: ive been on therapy for a year and a half now. i cant find motivation to do shit, i try to draw for at least 4 hours a day but it doesnt stop feeling like a chore and i derive no pleasure for it. also ive been diagnosed schizophrenia and treatment resistant depression. im mostly free of delusions except once in a while i still feel like im in a dream but i dont go full blown psychosis.
the psychiatrist is suggesting Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation to help with depression and suicidal thoughts. im not too sure about it so i would like a second opinion as well. im already 28 years old. i just want to be independent enough to be able to survive by myself, i dont even want to be happy anymore just ok

>>35945942
Have a couple of friends dont talk woth them much almost never hang out outside of school last time I did anything with them was last year

Fast forward to this year okish grades but I could easily be doing much better but barely have any motivation to do any work prescribed antidepressants they work somewhat but now I cant get off them because they will give me headaches if I quit but I have a reduced sex drive now I only masterbate like oce a week

Somehow via mutual friends I met a 8/10 we talked started facetiming all the time told eachother some of our secrets eventually her friend told me that she likes me I asked her out she says yes

We go to different schools havent been in a date yet because of schedules but we facetime a good 4+ hours a day

She sometimes trolls me and can be overdramatic kinda of a pain jn the ass doesnt want to go to prom because she cant afford it really she spends all her noney kn weed but would rather have weed then go to prom
Shes my only real friend possibly the only gf I will ever have so while I wont let her pull any cuck shit or use me I also dont quite stand up to some of her bs because I am terrified of her breaking up with me and being completely isolated get kind of obssesses and paranoid when she doesnt respond to my snaps for more then a few hours