Psychological Issues #12

Here I am again. I hope Facet comes back and explains what happened.

>>35803753

Hello Meta. Me too. Is he suggesting he has two personalities?

That's very unusual. His tone was completely different from how he normally is.

>>35803768
I don't understand. He didn't really give any details. I hope his agony has subsided, at least.

>>35803800

Plenty of important posts sent after I left yesterday. I keep a link to previous threads, so I can go back and respond if those anons show up again (I have read everything, however).

That Murderfag guy has some serious issue going on.

I wonder if Facet is up at this time.

I'm back. I don't remember talking to you both last night, but when I have dissociative episodes I have very patchy memory, if I remember anything at all.

>>35803768
It's more than two, when that happens.

> Be poor.
> No idea where to even start getting mental health help/evaluation.
> Probably going to an hero by the end of this year.

How tf can I get help if I don't even have any money. I'm probably going to be homeless soon, and that's like falling into a deep pit that's almost impossible to get out of. I fucking hate being how I am but there's no one yo turn to. My friends will just start acting weird around me I'm certain. I don't speak to any of my family for fucking me at my most vulnerable moment. I'm at a loss of what to do.

I want help, I want to get better, but I don't know how without excessive lead posioning to the head.

>>35803846

Hello Facet,

>>35777773

Here's a link.

You probably know "split personality disorder" is highly controversial, and not in the DSM if I recall. Dissociative episode, very likely, though.

Can you tell us more about that?

>>35803846
Did you read what you posted? What happened!?

>>35803876
>How tf can I get help if I don't even have any money.

I'm free and full of good will.

State your symptoms.

Facet, I realise I missed your post both last night and when I reread just then.

If that was addressed to me, "Don't leave," I'm horribly sorry I missed it. I would have stayed.

I feel bad.

>>35803910
I felt bad, too. As if I drove him off with my questions while he was in need. Haven't slept since the last thread and I've been thinking about it a lot.

>>35803878
>>35803881
Thanks, I read it back. SPD is a meme, but DID is not.

In any case, day to day I often experience splitting; contrary and contradictory feelings. However, with extreme stress, alcohol and other things this manifests as unique 'facets' - hence the name. It can be confusing and frightening, as it was last night. I do feel as though I'm crumbling when it happens. As I feel myself come apart I start to use 'we' rather than 'I'. Sometimes all of me, though split, is quite stable. Other times less so. Most people have a sort of internal consensus, but for me that can be very far apart. There are about four consistent ones.

>>35803963

He's here now, we just have to wait for his response.

>>35803910
>>35803963
You needn't apologise. I was in a bad place but I feel a bit better now thank you. Still not 100 per cent but better.

>>35803976

So when you say "split", you don't mean splitting other people (black/white)?

You say four consistent "ones", what are they?

Are you feeling better now? I'm concerned.

>>35803976
Do you remember what you were experiencing when you said, "You know me cos we talked to you last time"?

>>35803987

Had you drunk? Do you have a drinking issue? (Or other drugs.)

>>35803987
Do all of your Facets have access to the same store of knowledge, memories, etc?

>>35803976
Do these metamorphoses follow a fixed pattern? What comes immediately after the crumbling?

>>35803994
No, although drastically different perspectives on one person would be one example. Yes I'm feeling better but as I mentioned, quite fragile still.

>>35804022
Yes, I was drunk. It affects me in very drastic ways. For that reason I only drink rarely and try to do so in isolation so as to mitigate harm to myself and others.

>>35804029
Not exactly. There's some interchange and it varies but often some remember things that others do not, and mental faculties also vary.

>>35804004
I think that was the young part probably.

There's the predatory part, a religious part, and a young part (female) in addition to my day-to-day self. For the most part in these threads it's been the predator part having some time off the leash in a way that does no harm.

>>35804045
Usually fatigue, paranoia and psychosis. Which is today.

>>35803894
Some of it is..difficult to describe. Most is pretty easy.
> Depression:Lack of energy, no motivation.
> Thoughts of suicide: My roommate has a pistol in his room I've put against my head, loaded and safety off, to see what it feels like. I wasn't scared or sad. I felt rather calm.
> Burned myself purposely with cigarettes because friends would piss me off so much and I felt so conflicted being mad at them.

Now the..interesting aspects.

> Hallucinations: I see shadows and strange lights when nothings there. Streaks of light pass through my vision. When I was a kid I used to see vivid morphing colors while looking in a cubbyhole. I was scared, but fascinated by them. I also hear sounds; Screams, shouts, crying, someome calling my name in a fearful/terrified voice.
> Some kind of mania. I feel like I'm fighting off a possession attempt. This incredible and random stress just bursts through me. My arms and hands seem to move on their own, or tap things repeatedly. I feel like my head is being twisted, I bite at nothing, tug at my hair.
> It's hard for me to relate or feel another persons struggles. Sometimes I feel like I have to try so hard to fake sympathy, yet I feel enotion myself. (Ruling out sociopathy there I think.)

I feel like most of this would require a professional evaluation, but any advice I'd be glad to consider.

>>35803625
What is your background academically, are you psychiatrist/psychologist? Not asking out of cynicism or anything, just curious. I'm a clinical psychologist myself.

>>35804060
Can you describe your psychosis?

>>35804060
>drastically different perspectives on one person would be one example.

I am the target of that. Another time, when you are OK, I will wish to discuss this.

>Yes, I was drunk. It affects me in very drastic ways. For that reason I only drink rarely and try to do so in isolation so as to mitigate harm to myself and others.

Have you tried other methods? Such as breathing with your diaphragm? (Can you?)

>There's the predatory part, a religious part, and a young part (female) in addition to my day-to-day self.

How does that work in your mind? Do you remember "being" all of these? Do they have names?

Very curious about all that.

>>35804062

There's a bunch, but that's good, it'll help get a serious diagnostic.

For now, I'd advise you to read the link on BPD in the OP; I'd say you have a whole lot more than just that, "just" that, but it's a start.

And yes, no matter what, I do think you should seek professional help ASAP, if you never have before.

Meanwhile, I'm here.

>>35804060
You said that you couldn't "hold us together emotionally." Is there "togetherness" between you or just explosive conflict? In what sense are you normally held together? Just by having the rest concealed and seething beneath the surface? How often are you simply your base self, with no intrusions?

>>35804092
Sure, it ties into the paranoia. For example, I start to feel an entity watching me, feeding off my misery. I tend to have a shower in total darkness and talk to it. Then there are things like a fear of white vans. I lived with my brother and became convinced that a van that parked down the road was their to surveil me. If he opened the curtains I would shout at him because they'd be able to see in.

>>35804103
I can do diaphragm breathing though I'm unsure how it would help.

They do have names, and I can remember snippets of conversation but mostly just emotions rather than clear memories.

Usually I can feel if one or more is 'listening in' if a situation or subject is relevant to them and that may precipitate a shift.

>>35804163
Usually there is some concensus and I'm central enough. Most of the time it's just me, but as I detailed in my last response that can change. For example, I went to church not long ago and I had no interest but the other part did and it made sense to let him have the reins. Conflict is for the most part quite rare.

>>35804065

I'm getting asked this more and more often. Just responded to an email about it (if that's you).

I have nothing official. I learned the hard way and have my own interest in psychology/psychiatry. I'm considering studying in my free time to get some real qualifications, however.

If you really are a clinical psychologist, I would very much like to stay in touch.

I've always functioned as a natural sort of "psychologist", and I do solve problems for people around me, as those things seem intuitive to me. My own therapist agrees, but yeah, I'm not a professional.

>>35804164
How do you sense this entity? Aural hallucinations, visual? Just a "knowing" that they are present? In those moments, do you truly believe it is a being distinct from yourself or do you recognize its unreality?

>>35804164
>For example, I start to feel an entity watching me

I don't mean to turn the convo towards me, but one of the weirdest experiences I've had felt just like that: I'd half wake up in the night and feel like I had to wake up fully or something dire would happen to me, and I felt some evil presence very near. I have never known what to make of this.

Incidentally, I used to be religious and read a bunch about demonic possession. You've never dabbled with a ouija board, did you?

>>35804164
>They do have names

Please introduce us.

>>35804209
Alright, good to hear you're helping people out. I did not email you, so that might be someone else. I asked mostly out of interest, as I'm seeing threads like this more often around the chan. Sometimes wonder if there's others therapists on here.

If you have any questions let me know, that goes for everyone here. For field specific questions I'd like to add that I'm based in Europe, so I can't comment much on practices in the US.

Keep up the good work mate.

>>35804185

So, the way you see this, is like you have various ways of thinking, and they're more or less separate, like modes, and whenever relevant, you can choose one or the other? Choose, or have it imposed on you, whichever.

Is that a fair assessment?

This is so utterly alien to me, I can't even begin to imagine how it works from your perspective.

>>35804154
I don't know where to go or who to contact for that kind of help though. It's unnerving. As a male I don't have any kind of support to fall back on I feel like.

>>35804231
I have dabbled, but I think what you're describing is much more likely to be sleep paralysis or something akin to it.

>>35804213
I believe that it is separate. I have had visual and aural hallucinations. If you ever catch the film 'They Look Like People' and I would strongly recommend it, especially to Nick, his experience in bed is near-identical to my own and one of the most frightening things I can remember. It's happened a few times, and is accompanied by a fear not of the situation, but just fear for its own sake as though having been hit with fear gas or something.

>>35804235
I'd be a little concerned about someone recognising me based on the names.

>>35804273
Sometimes it's a question of choosing, and other times they just take over. At times like last night they all just lose their integrity like a split bag or, as one said last night, a crumbling sandcastle.

>>35804236

Thank you. I'm also European.

In my country, anyone can claim to be a psychologist, but not a clinical one, I imagine. My own psychologist works in a team led by a psychiatrist, so a doctor, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

You have my e-mail address up there, if you could shoot me an e-mail just so I could have you as a contact for further questions and such, that would be great (if not, that's all right, I understand).

>>35804285

I don't know where you live, but the way I found my therapist was through a doctor. I originally went to get tested for STD's to soothe my now ex-fiancee that I had not contracted anything (I betrayed her, long story), and I told the doctor the reason why I was there and all, and she expressed concern and interest, and gave me the address of a good team of professionals. I kept the number and called many weeks later.

So, going to a doctor, a GP, could do the trick already.

Try finding something close to you, use the Internet. If you're American, the website "psychology today" can find you professionals quickly.

>>35804327
>I have dabbled, but I think what you're describing is much more likely to be sleep paralysis or something akin to it.

So I've been told, but I experienced real sleep paralysis later on and it was nothing of the sort, though it could still be two sides of it.

>>35804333
Same in my country, psychologist is not protected, but post-master educated healthcare or clinical psychologists are considered medical professionals. That title is protected, from then on you may also lead teams like the doctor you describe.

I'm sorry, but I can't keep up with contacts through email. I am working on some stuff on the computer now though, so I'll keep the thread open on auto update and check every so often. So if questions do come up I'm liable to answer.

>>35804327
>I'd be a little concerned about someone recognising me based on the names.

You think your therapists or co-patients come to /r9k/?

It's mostly curiosity on my part, you can always tell me in an e-mail.

>Sometimes it's a question of choosing, and other times they just take over. At times like last night they all just lose their integrity like a split bag or, as one said last night, a crumbling sandcastle.

Do you see them as other entities or just modes of yourself?

>>35803625
Here's a good one doc:

Diagnosed with schizo
Taking 35mg abilify, read a high dosis of neuroleptics against it
Raised as an atheist, after two hypereligious psychosis where I lost all contact with reality, I'm an agnostic (although lately, I really tend towards being full religious, but it would be my own personal religion I guess)

What I never told my psychologist that I see every month, is this:

A couple of months ago I decided to give christianity a try. So I prayed to Jesus to come into my life. He answered. The coming months he stayed with me and I could hear his voice in my head. It was psychosis all over again, despite me taking a high dosis of neuroleptics. But it was controled psychosis this time, I didn't loose control over my actions and no one around me suspected a thing. "Jesus" helped me cleaning a flat, loosing some weight (10kg so far) and getting a job that I still have. He also told me to stay away form 4chan, and helped me getting my shit together in general. Also told me to get a bible, and we read parts of it together. The thought voice and sensation of psychosis went away after about two months, so here I am again (but just for a short visit, I don't hang out here that often anymore, not with a job and all that jazz..)

tl;dr: A voice in my head made me better myself, should I tell my psychologist nurse? The voice in my head advised against it, said it would be a bad idea to do so and I should keep it a secret. Now I don't have the voice anymore, and it feels like cold coffee to me. I have a job now I want to keep, and I'm on pretty much the highest dosis of neuroleptics already, so no need to give my poor old psychiatric nurse anxiety, right?

How do I stop being such an apathetic bag of shit

>>35804466

Fair enough.

What's the difference between a psychologist and a clinical one? In terms of studies and job activity.

>>35804489
I can imagine perhaps some friends visit here, not sure. As regards to modes or separate entities, I'm aware that they must just be different parts of me but I know at least one part would rather be totally distinct and have a different body. That part had more control during my teenage years, and I came fairly close to gender reassignment at that point. I was starving regularly, had an eating disorder and mostly dated men. I'm glad that she isn't in control for the most part now, because that would obviously have been a disaster had I gone through with it.

>>35804502

You should always tell the truth to your therapist, if not the nurse. The real Jesus wouldn't tell you to keep secret His good deeds towards you, quite the opposite. I suppose "He" didn't read the bit with the city on the hill with you, for all to see, like a candle in the night.

Fascinating story, though, I must say.

It must be quite something to live your life.

But yeah, tell your psychologist.

I'm very interested in the root of your disorder. Did you have an abusive childhood?

>>35804531

Ralph, you begin by literally not being so harsh on yourself. It won't help, and those words and thoughts may not even be yours originally.

There's a reason why you're like this, we must find it.

Describe your parents.

>>35804573

Would you say all the people who want a sex change have mental issues? (I tend to think so, even if that's not very politically correct, but I'd like your opinion on it.)

>>35804537
that /really/ depends on your country. Mostly it's 4 years for a psych master degree + 4-6 years of post-master to get the healthcare/clinical registration.

Master psychologists can diagnose and treat "less complex" patients (mostly axis I in the DSM) under supervision of healthcare/clinical psychologists, or psychiatrists. Clinical psychologists give supervision and have more of a managerial role, overseeing the treatments, making the bigger decisions and taking responsibility for the diagnosis and treatment given. They also treat and diagnose the more "complex" patients (heavy co-morbidity, axis II stuff etc.).

TL;DR 4-6 years on top of masters to get a bunch of extra responsibilities and more complex patients.

>>35804635
In my opinion, yes. I have known a couple of people (both FtM rather than the opposite which is much more common) and one is schizophrenic. The other seemed much more balanced but I suppose I didn't know him that well, just hooked up once ar twice at university.

>>35804656

So do you do "supervision" and discuss with the others about cases? I know my therapist does this in her team, and I had never known about it, but I think it's a good idea.

I wonder how that goes and for how long.

>>35804659

Do you have any memories when you started developing those other ones? How long have they been with you?

>>35804605
Not an abusive childhood. But schizo runs in my family, so it's a genetically inherited I guess.

"Jesus" or whoever spoke to me, also told me that because of my history of mental illness no one in my environment would believe me and that's why he would advise me to keep it a secret for now.. one day I could speak openly about it though and he would tell me when that day would come.

He also read that part with me but said that I'm a bit a special case and like his undercover agent metaphorically speaking. As all my friends and family are atheists, together with my history of behaving insane during psychosis, this made more sense to me than it probably makes to you reading this.

This nurse is the only one I see every month, she's my therapist, but I only see her once every month for twenty minutes or so and I don't really have that close of a connection to her. She's basically just there to check up on me if I'm psychotic or not.

But yeah yeah.. I guess you're right and I should tell her, but I'm a little bit afraid of the consequences, not in a religious sense or anything, the voice didn't forbid me from telling anyone, it was just some friendly advice..

>>35804733
I think it happened shortly after the abuse. My first memory of it coming up was in a counselling session. I was asked to draw myself and I drew a black winged creature behind me. That's the religious/ semi-paternal part.

>>35804616
Dad moved to Mercia from New Zealand to join the military and get free college. Mom met him while he was posted on Florida. She's from the Midwest and was just on vacation. He knocked her up and stayed for about 2 years before leaving. Single mother raised me, she had lots of boyfriends and a few divorces, the reason I have a 7 year old half sister. Dad showed back up when I was 11, no warning, I didn't even know who he was. He just took me on a 'bonding' trip. I didn't like him mainly because he was an angry alcoholic. My mom still had custody and they both hated each other and tried to get me to hate the other. Never worked and I felt more like property that jealous kids argued over. My only family members I really liked were my uncle and grandpa on my moms side. They both played rugby and were really nice and funny. Then my uncle killed himself from some concussion induced brain trauma. That happened in middle school and it fucked me up. Also about the time that my vitiligo flared up and made me look like shit. Mom was always a helicopter that tried to control everything. Dad didn't give a shit, as long as he had booze. Didn't help that he tried to force me into church and he was always poor because he gave all the money he had to the church as then borrowed more for beer. I lost all touch with him when I was 15 and we got into an argument because I didn't want to go to church and then he told me my uncle killed himself because he didn't have God. I still visited him I just didn't talk much or do much. I'm working as a life guard right now, I graduated 2 years ago and I don't know what the fuck to do with myself because I stumbled through highschool with average grades without learning anything.

>>35804745
>He also read that part with me but said that I'm a bit a special case and like his undercover agent metaphorically speaking. As all my friends and family are atheists, together with my history of behaving insane during psychosis, this made more sense to me than it probably makes to you reading this.

It makes perfect sense, rest assured.

Is there any way for you to see a pschychiatrist more often? Like once a week? Have you tried therapy already?

I have a girl I like that has extremely low self-esteem, to the point that she would constantly think that she doesn't deserve the care and concern that her friends offer her and would cut off contact with them for no reason. We have been getting pretty close and I really want to help her. What can I do?

>>35804759
>I think it happened shortly after the abuse.

I confess I don't remember what you told me about that very clearly.

I won't ask you to retell it now, if that is hard for you. That said, if you want to, I will definitely read everything you want to say by e-mail. If that can help, I'm up for it.

Would you say that those other personalities are a clear defense mechanism against a hostile environment?

>>35804789
you should fuck her straight in the pussy

>>35804781

Damn, that's heavy stuff. There's a whole lot to unravel in there.

There was no way you could get out of this without some serious scars, so do not be harsh on yourself for any shortcomings. You seem to be doing fairly well, considering.

I'd advise you to read the link about narc parents, to see if your mother fits the bill. Link is in the OP.

Then, would you be open to seeking therapy with a psychologist?

>>35804785
Yes I tried therapy for 4 years with a psychiatrist I saw every week. Didn't help me at all and ended in another psychosis, that's when I decided to leave the psychiatrists and go to this new psychiatric health care center of the clinic I was in during psychosis instead.

In there they have psychiatrists that prescribe me my meds, but I don't actually get to see them. I only see this nurse with psychiatric training, and only every month. If I wished for I could see her every week or so, but as long as I don't show any odd behavior and don't have any problems with my mood or whatnot, or other psychological problems, I don't see any reason to.

I get that this was a strange episode, and I should probably really bring it up. Then again, I'm so happy that I finally have a job again, after years of not having one and being stuck in therapy and in this psychiatric system, I finally begin to feel normal again.

>>35804789

That sounds like classic BPD behaviour.

If you were able to get close, you're probably already helping, but be careful: she may cut you off too eventually. She may split you black and hate you far more than anyone else, and you'll feel like it was your fault, and it won't be.

I'm not 100% sure, but do pay attention to ANYTHING slightly off coming from her mouth or her behaviour.

>>35804887

Telling her about it shouldn't jeopardise your job or anything, right?

>>35804820
I would agree that they're a defence mechanism for the most part. That side was created to protect me because my own parents did not. The female aspect was a partitioning of the victim role. The predator is a way for me to act out without taking responsibility I suppose.

I don't mind outlining it again. I was sexually abused over a period of months by an older boy, as was my brother. The most damaging aspect was the consistent threats that also had a religious aspect to them.

I was the one my Dad took his frustrations out on, which was usually just condescension and contempt but on one occasion he pinned me to the wall by my throat which wasn't great. He also bragged that he could kill me and my mother and no one would ever find out.

My mum is bipolar and was also a prostitute at one point. She messed with my head, sometimes in a sexual way, for kicks. Also, being bipolar, she often behaved in odd ways and was very unpredictable in terms of mood. She would leave for extended periods without warning, date drug dealers, act like a toddler and become hostile and dark. So it was all quite turbulent.

I have no doubt that my childhood is responsible for my problems, and most likely my brother's schizophrenia as well.

Anybody know what's wrong with me?

I'm diagnosed with and under treatment for depression/social anxiety but I feel like something else is off. The serotonin don't do squat, except suppress the suicudal thoughts and give me a bit more energy, maybe.

I feel like I desynchronize from reality whenever I'm around other people. It's difficult to explain but I sort of fade out and feel like I'm not really there, it's just me and my thoughts observing a situation I really want to get out of.

This happens ALL the time when I interact with people unless I'm drunk or we're talking about a specific task, like something work-related. I can't have normal or casual conversations.

I have a few friends that I spend time with a few times a week out of obligation. They're good people and I don't think badly of them at all, but I absolutley hate hanging out. Whenever I'm with them all I do is retreat into my head and wish to go home. When I'm alone at home or somewhere quiet is the only time I feel somewhat alive and can focus on things, otherwise I'm just on goddamn auto-mode. It's a wonder that they still want to be my friends, but they are aware that I'm a bit weird and seem to have gotten used to it. If we're drinking it's fine and this feeling isn't as strong.

I do want to kill myself, mainly because I can barely function around other people and pretty much everything in modern society requires you to be extroverted and full of enthusiasm. I just feel fucking empty, I have no opinions on anything and no desires whatsoever. I only do certain things out of a sense of obligation which I'm really thankful for having, otherwise I'd just stay in bed all day.

Save for my few friends, I've wrecked every family relation I had because I can't stand being around them. Not because they're bad people either, mind you, but because of the same reason as before. They're not as tolerant as my friends and take it personally. My dad actually said once that I have no personality.

>>35803625
1. I am lonely af but I also find people boring af.
2. What do?

>>35804916
Yes you're right. It's the fear of getting transferred to the clinic, but I'm far too healthy for that. I should really tell her about it. It just takes.. I don't know.. courage.. for me to bring it up. But I will probably really do so in our next meeting.

>>35804936
You should play video games and go on 4chan more often. That'll help.

>>35804934
Continuation due to character limit.

I suspected autism/aspergers for a while but I seriously doubt it. This is somewhat recent and has gotten worse since I reached my late teens, I didn't use to be like this as a kid or teenager. I never showed any particular signs when I grew up either.

I'm not too sad about losing my family although it does feel like something is missing and I feel a bit guilty because I know it's entirely my fault. I doubt I can change though so I don't want to give false hope to them by re-connecting because the same shit will just happen again.

Relationships with girls is also out of the question, obviously. I've gotten close a couple of times but predictably I started avoiding as soon as they were out of sight. The concept of a relationship sounds like a fucking nightmare to me and although there's a lot of relatable shit on /r9k/ I can never understand the people who wish for a gf.

This would all be alright because I really like being alone, but it's not possible to be alone all the time. I can barely work or interact with people and that really fucks up my ability to make a living. I've tried talking to my doctor and therapist about all this but I can't express it in person like I can through typing.

>>35804919

Damn... Damn...

I feel for you. Now that I "know" you a little more than before, this hits me way harder.

As often, I feel that your mother's "bipolar" was really Borderline, since bipolar are predictable: they can spend weeks and months in the same mood, and it's only a mood disorder, not a personality one. Your mother sounds like an extreme BPD case, and your father does sound like a narc, but I'm oversimplifying.

This is really dark stuff.

I need a moment.

>>35804934
>I'm diagnosed with and under treatment for depression/social anxiety but I feel like something else is off. The serotonin don't do squat, except suppress the suicudal thoughts and give me a bit more energy, maybe.

I'll answer as I go. You're likely right: you don't need meds, you need something else.

>I feel like I desynchronize from reality whenever I'm around other people. It's difficult to explain but I sort of fade out and feel like I'm not really there, it's just me and my thoughts observing a situation I really want to get out of.

Very clearly: dissociation, derealisation or depersonalisation (the two latter form the former). I've experienced derealisation very violenty, it's what I hate the most.

I suspect BPD traits, that's symptom number 9. Read the rest in the OP link. I'll respond to the rest of your post, in another post to make sure I have enough room.

>>35803625
Hello, I've been living the following way for years:
I have a very narrow but strong sentimental range, basically two feeling. On one hand I feel anguish, which drives me to panic attacks, keeps me nauseated, and obviously affects my life and studying. On the other hand I have extreme ecstacy, where I become a really insufferable asshole, laugh at everyone and everything, my brain starts "absuridizing" every situation and hyperactiveness kicks in. These episodes may last hours, days, or weeks, in cycles I have not been able to predict.
Would aprecciate any help or advice, thanks.

>>35804934
>I have a few friends that I spend time with a few times a week out of obligation. They're good people and I don't think badly of them at all, but I absolutley hate hanging out. Whenever I'm with them all I do is retreat into my head and wish to go home. When I'm alone at home or somewhere quiet is the only time I feel somewhat alive and can focus on things, otherwise I'm just on goddamn auto-mode. It's a wonder that they still want to be my friends, but they are aware that I'm a bit weird and seem to have gotten used to it

I wish you could spend time with me. People who feel this way with most people generally find me to be some oasis. You'd be at ease.

>
I do want to kill myself, mainly because I can barely function around other people and pretty much everything in modern society requires you to be extroverted and full of enthusiasm. I just feel fucking empty, I have no opinions on anything and no desires whatsoever. I only do certain things out of a sense of obligation which I'm really thankful for having, otherwise I'd just stay in bed all day.

All right, do this: read about complex PTSD, and watch Richard Grannon's video on "people-pleasers", or any other video that speaks to you.

Were your parents in any way strange?

>>35804936

Perhaps ask people more questions; maybe they'll turn out to be more interesting than you think. Give them a chance!

>>35804969

I'm glad. You should be able to tell her without a problem, because you didn't do anything wrong, you handled it very well.

I have to ask: how can you tell reality from hallucination? Is there some intrinsic quality to a hallucination? Can you always tell when it's not real?

>>35805035
You're doing well with being empathic, and I think the way you're using your natural curiosity is a powerful tool. But might I suggest slightly less diagnosing, especially of personality disorders? Personality disorders are a bitch to diagnose (4 - 8 hours of testing), and even then it's not always clear.

I can tell you from experience that people with bipolar disorder are far from predictable, they can go from relatively stable functioning to rapid cycling in minutes. They will then often still respond well to a mood stabilizer like lithium, while that won't have any such effects on someone with BPD. Additionally, can you imagine the effect on attachment of living with bipolar disorder, leading to borderline-like symptoms, or even co-morbid BPD.

TL;DR unrequested advice, use your strengths optimally, don't get stuck on diagnosing.

>>35804894
That is what I'm most afraid of. She is always very concerned about bothering me when we text, always asking if she is disturbing my studies. Sometimes she calls herself a terrible person and suggest maybe I should find someone else to get close to, where I would reassure her that she shouldn't feel this way and I enjoy talking to her, and nothing serious happened after that. I really like her but I'm treading more carefully now that that I think about if we really did get into a relationship, this BPD behavior would likely cause a break up.

>>35805034
>I suspected autism/aspergers for a while but I seriously doubt it.

Same, it's not that.

>I feel a bit guilty because I know it's entirely my fault.

It's certainly not entirely your fault, and it may not be your fault at all. Stop believing this.

>I can never understand the people who wish for a gf.

Scared of intimacy? Which part seems like a chore to you?

> I've tried talking to my doctor and therapist about all this but I can't express it in person like I can through typing.

Have you tried telling them you'd rather communicate via e-mails? At any rate, I'm here. Talking it out with me first may help telling them later on.

>>35805103

Hello there.

This may be the first case of real bipolar in this thread, though I am clearly not sure.

Read the BPD article posted in the OP, and report back. I doubt it'll be that, but if we can clear it away now, that'll help.

Will ask more questions later.

>>35804862
Damn the part about guilt tripping is spot on. Can't think of a single day when my mom didn't say this or something to the affect of it to me.
I don't think I need a psychologist though. I just need to be less apathetic. I don't listen to music anymore, the last time I went to a movie was several months ago, and I haven't finished an anime since I was in highschool. I'm surprised I managed to keep my job, I don't know how much of a help I'd be though if someone were drowning on my watch. Is this a form of depression? I'm not really sad.

>>35805150
>But might I suggest slightly less diagnosing, especially of personality disorders?

I hear you loud and clear. I try to suggest these disorders just so the person can check them out for themselves and potentially find out more for themselves. That's why I'm very quick to suggest everyone's parents might be BPD or NPD, just to see.

>I can tell you from experience that people with bipolar disorder are far from predictable, they can go from relatively stable functioning to rapid cycling in minutes.

OK, I thought the difference was the length of the cycles. I know BPD was misdiagnosed as bipolar for a long time. (I'm still under the impression Facet's mother was BPD, it matches too well.)

Your advice is good. When I'm tired or have less time, I tend to shoot diagnoses faster than otherwise, just in case it's what the issue is, but always in view of anon checking it out for himself.

Are you the psychologist?

>>35805140
The problem with psychosis, or with my kind of psychosis that I'm experiencing is, when it's happening, the part of me that is responsible for this kind of thinking seems to be disabled.

So when it is happening, when I'm hallucinating, I always feel like it's real. I loose that kind of critical thinking I have now, where I can put Jesus into "Jesus" and really reflect on my experiences. Last time not to the degree where I lost all contact with reality luckily, but I guess I have to thank my antipsychotic meds for that.

I also don't have these kind of audbile hallus many schizos get, to me it more feels like thought transmission, or like divine telepathy as I call it when it's happening.

And to be perfectly honest, even now, I'm not perfectly sure what the fuck is going on there. If this is really just my psychotic mind making shit up, or if we're all connected to some sort of divine spirit realm. I really am an agnostic in that sense.

All I know for sure is that my meds are a must for me and I take them religiously.

>>35805162
>I should find someone else to get close to

I've heard this before. I was discarded like a piece of shit.

> this BPD behavior would likely cause a break up.

Chances are she cannot maintain one. She may make YOU responsible for it, however.

I'll try to remember some quotes I heard which suddenly made more sense once everything was over:

>You have to know I'm a bit awkward. (This made zero sense at the time.)
>I'm not experienced in relationships.
>People have made a fool out of me before.

Does she any have any exes?

>>35805246
Yeah, it's alright man, I didn't mean to be overly critical. It's a thing I see a lot from younger psychologists too, that's why I said it. Diagnosing is a difficult part of the job that requires a lot of testing and knowledge. I especially think it's a shame, because it can get in the way of what actually works best. I've been reading along a bit and what I think is your best skill is your open curiosity and empathy. As far as that goes you certainly have the most important basis to be a good therapist. Would be a shame if your most valuable skill took a backseat to one that you're not as well versed in.

Also yeah, haha, I'm "the psychologist" from before.

The most messed up incidents I can remember with my dad are as follows:

>Moving furniture from the top floor
>He decides that the most efficient method would be to lower the wardrobe out of the window
>Asks me to receive it at the other end, from outside
>I take a few steps back so that I can watch more easily without craning my neck
>The string he's lowering it on snaps
>It plummets two floors and shatters - right where I would have been standing
>He comes down to see if I'm alright
>With seeming resentment he says it's a good job I don't trust him or I would have been crushed

>Hitting puberty
>Already a bit weird sexually, so rather than knowing about fapping I tie myself up in bed
>I've drifted off to sleep, naked
>He flies in full of rage, I forget why but I annoyed him in some way
>He pulls me out of bed by my wrist
>He throws me on the bathroom floor
>Makes me tidy it up, naked and on my hands and knees because I didn't put the towels etc away after a shower

To this day, I sleep very lightly, so it's affected me longterm. I just can't relax.

>>35805323
She does, they broke up after her ex told her he is interested in another girl (or at least that's what she told me)

>>35805217
>Damn the part about guilt tripping is spot on. Can't think of a single day when my mom didn't say this or something to the affect of it to me.

Your mom is at the very least "narcissistic" but maybe more. Make sure to understand this was/is psychological abuse and that sort of abuse is at the very least as damaging as sexual abuse, and often MORE so.

>I don't think I need a psychologist though.

Considering you suffered through worse things than sexual abuse, you might want to reconsider.

>I just need to be less apathetic. I don't listen to music anymore, the last time I went to a movie was several months ago, and I haven't finished an anime since I was in highschool. I'm surprised I managed to keep my job, I don't know how much of a help I'd be though if someone were drowning on my watch. Is this a form of depression? I'm not really sad.

See complex PTSD. Your brain literally doesn't have time or the luxury to have fun: you're on war mode constantly, on alert for any shit that may come your way. I relate to this a lot. (That's why I'm here trying to help people instead of moving on with my life and having fun; I'm at war too.)

I hope these ideas ring true to you; if they do, you may really have C-PTSD.

I insist you should seek professional help, find someone you feel great with. It will help so much, just being able to tell someone and have an outside weigh in on your issues.

>>35805067
>I suspect BPD traits
I haven't checked the link yet, but that seems strange. Aren't those with BPD very unstable? I am the opposite, almost always calm and even-tempered.

>>35805106
>Were your parents in any way strange?
Not particulary. Dad wasn't around a lot, but they were both very normal. I didn't have issues as a kid.

>>35805166
>Which part seems like a chore to you?
Everything, apart from the sex. I don't want to be dependent on someone, and I don't want anyone to be dependent on me. I don't want to have people around when I absolutley don't have to.

>Have you tried telling them you'd rather communicate via e-mails?
Yeah, we've talked a bit over email. I was first diagnosed with panic syndrome despite never having had a panic attack in my life (shows how bad I am at communicating, lol) and it was changed to depression/anxiety when I clarified through mail.

>>35805195
After a read, I must say I identify myself with several of the statements.

>>35805250
>my meds are a must for me and I take them religiously.

Nicely written.

That's absolutely fascinating stuff, I must say. I'm not sure what to say, but I am fascinated.

I think I've experienced some form of maybe psychotic paranoia, where I thought things that almost scare me now. I was ready to murder some people like it was a very plausible choice of action. I remember feeling "different". I had never felt this before and I doubt I will again.

>>35805358
>It's a thing I see a lot from younger psychologists too, that's why I said it.

I'm sure! When you start figuring things out, it's exciting to "solve" issues.

My own therapist hasn't mentioned any kind of diagnostic for me so far, and I started in January, 2 to 3 hours per week. (By the way, what's the difference between "therapist" and the rest? In my country there are differences between a psychologist and a therapist, although I call my psychologist a therapist just the same.)

> what I think is your best skill is your open curiosity and empathy.

I'd agree.

>Would be a shame if your most valuable skill took a backseat to one that you're not as well versed in.

I hear you. With more time and less anons, I wouldn't rely on diagnoses so much, if I do here, it's really mostly so they get a chance to "see" if they recognise anything, so I do throw these terms around way more cavalierly than I would otherwise, but I definitely hear your point.

I hope you'll be around more, Mr. Psychologist.

I've been considering studying psychology in my off time, though officially, with a university, for a while now. Think I should? I'd have a lot to read and I'd have to go there once every 5 weeks. It's officially recognised, affiliated with the usual university here.

>>35805364
>With seeming resentment he says it's a good job I don't trust him or I would have been crushed

That's so fucking weird... I'd be shaking with fear had I almost killed my own child by accident.

Sometimes people tell you the truth when you least expect it: "You shouldn't trust me." Definitely.

>Makes me tidy it up, naked and on my hands and knees because I didn't put the towels etc away after a shower

That's very abusive. I recognise the pattern of "having a good reason", so he can abuse you without feeling bad about it.

I also see how nonsensical this is, as with my parents (logic goes fuck itself if they want it to); if the towels was really the reason, it could have waited until tomorrow.

Man... I advised many to read about complex PTSD, but you definitely must read about it too if you haven't.

>>35805370
>She does, they broke up after her ex told her he is interested in another girl (or at least that's what she told me)

>(or at least that's what she told me)

You do well to add that. If you can find the ex to hear his version, I would recommend trying, if that can be done without her knowing about it.

Some BPD you can have a relationship with, no problem, some, it's impossible. This varies a lot.

>>35805394

Keep that in mind for future reference! You don't have to match all symptoms, but knowing what's what will help, no doubt.

>>35805425
If I don't take my meds, like last time when my old psychiatrist told me, hey let's try to get you off them, I start to hear this voice again, telling me I'm the chosen one to save all people on earth. From there on I go on a wild adventure.. to make the impossible possible.

Those are fascinating times, but also dangerous ones, mostly for myself, I never get the urge to hurt others, but I go on without sleep or drinking or eating for longer periods of time and do crazy shit in general or go full catatonic in the end.. Lead by my thought voices or delusion of reference, so the whole world becomes an open book for me to read, everything speaks off me or to me to guide me on my mission to solve all paradox and start heaven on earth.

At times it gets so abstract it's impossible to put into words, other times I perform crazy little rituals I think influence the big happenings in the world out there, some very strange coincidences happen too, I get to see police more often than I or they like to, and in the end they finally have a reason to force me into treatment, where I get on meds and sane again.

And in a nutshell, I'm glad I experienced full blown psychosis like I did once or twice, even if that may sound stupid, but I wouldn't want to experience it again.

>>35805591
I've heard that BPD is basically just a reskin of PTSD anyway. Do you have any PTSD resources that you could link to please?

But yeah it wasn't really about the towels.

I'll never get an apology out of either one of them and I've had to accept that. However, my dad has made big changes in his life and when I've needed it he's helped me out. As such I have a bit of a relationship with him.

My mother on the other hand, I feel pretty sad about. She's nearly 50, basically a lifelong neet, living with yet another drug dealer with smuggling ties in Africa, and cannot be trusted. She's thrown me and my brother under the bus in order to save herself in recent memory, chose one of many abusive bfs over us and then expected sympathy because he was abusive, and she stole from me. I don't like it, but she's basically a lost cause at this point. I think she's trying in her own way, but she's a disappointment.

>>35805683

Damn... sounds like you have what most prophets probably had.

Good think we aren't under Roman rule anymore.

>>35805611
I'm not sure if this is a sign she is coping with it but I'll share one incident. Once I was texting her and I unknowingly said something insensitive that triggered her. A few hours later when we met irl, she completely ignored me for the entire evening. It really scared me because I thought she was going to cut me off completely. That night I texted her to ask if I did something wrong. She said she was angry with me and did not want to talk to me because she knew she would definitely say things when she doesn't mean it when she is angry and hurt me so much I might just leave her (maybe from a past experience?). So the next morning she told me the reason she was angry and it was a really minor issue. Should I see this as hope that she has the potential to recover and can I do something to help her recover?

>>35805698
>I've heard that BPD is basically just a reskin of PTSD anyway.

That's because BPD is a bitch to understand, and very, very complex. The main difference is you won't develop BPD as an adult if you didn't "contract" it as a young child, while you can acquire PTSD as an adult.

Suggesting CPTSD is close to BPD, maybe so to some degree, but not entirely because it's not the same. Usually, though, you'll have traits of both, because they originate in the same trauma.

I don't have any links to PTSD or CPTSD that I would recommend off the top of my head. Give Richard Grannon a try, though, he speaks of both I believe.

>I'll never get an apology out of either one of them and I've had to accept that.

Same. Father claims he doesn't remember.

>she's basically a lost cause at this point. I

Mourn. It's all you can do.

I don't know what information is pertinent, so I'll just list shit. Also I'll try to avoid my own interpretation. If you want anything like that I'll try to answer specific questions.

I make eye contact infrequently and tend to mumble
I have not maintained contact with any high school friends, and have not made any new friends since. Even in high school I had very few friends who weren't already friends in middle school.
I have never been on a date. I can't recall a single flirtatious conversation with a female since at least middle school.
I'm 24, and a this point I have trouble even imagining myself with friends or a spouse.
I live with my parents, and I don't have a driver's license. (I simply let the permit expire instead of taking a road test and getting a full license. It wasn't revoked or anything)
A typical day for me: Wake up, go to work, go home and browse the internet, go to bed.
I never initiate conversation with coworkers unless it's work-related. When someone gives me an opportunity to talk ("doing anything this weekend? / how was your weekend?") I respond simply and truthfully: I don't do anything.
I avoid conflict.
At various points I've taken "depression quizzes" and received results of "moderate - high"
I have spent some time thinking about suicide itself, but I've never once considered committing suicide.
I have trouble forming opinions and am very reluctant to share any I do have (outside of anonymous internet message boards).
I was not abused as a child.
I grew up catholic, stopped believing in god when I was ~13, then stopped going to church when I went to college. Since moving back in with my parents they no longer compel me to attend.

>>35805742
>she completely ignored me for the entire evening.

Bad news. Silent treatment is a favourite. This may reach proportions you cannot fathom. I've been ignored for over 3 months now and any attempt at communication is now a legal danger to me (I'll be sued for harrassment if I do so much as say hi!).

>was angry with me and did not want to talk to me because she knew she would definitely say things when she doesn't mean it when she is angry and hurt me so much I might just leave her (

It shows she's aware, which is good. Prepare to hear some really, really awful shit. My BPD ex partner could use the most intimate secret to attack me, you may also be bombarded with gore and scat, for example. Expect anything.

Is she aware that she has BPD?

>Should I see this as hope that she has the potential to recover and can I do something to help her recover?

If she doesn't know what her issue is, knowing it will likely make her feel better, though it may be hard to swallow at first. If you can help her through that, do so. Knowing that you know too, and understand it isn't just "her" being a dick, that should help.

My ex is like this and we could always work it out, even before we knew what was up, I understood intuitively that there was a cycle and she didn't "mean" it.

DBT is a way to recover for BPD people.

>>35805769

Very good list.

I recognise a lot in there, and it's consistent

Describe your parents as factually as possible, do not omit your feelings.

>>35805828
>use the most intimate secret to attack me
What do you mean by this?

>you may also be bombarded with gore and scat
This. She does occasionally say some pretty scary things like wanting to murder people and things like that. Don't think she would actually do it though, probably just in her mind (not trying to downplay it, I'm quite concerned)

>Is she aware that she has BPD?
She has not seen a psychiatrist, but we did discuss this a little after a friend of ours got diagnosed with clinical depression. I think she is open to getting treatment.

>DBT is a way to recover for BPD people
Not sure what DBT is but did a bit of googling. Its something related to developing mindfulness? We're actually both Buddhists and have done meditation before. Was thinking of bringing her for more meditation classes and hope it would help

>>35806106
Had a BPD gf once myself. Quite a yandere type. I left because there was a fair chance I'd kill her or she'd stab me in my sleep. So that was quite volatile, as you'd imagine. We did drugs and stuff together as well which exacerbated matters. Absolutely phenomenal sex though.

>>35806106
>What do you mean by this?

Again, this may not apply to her, but if she feels attacked, she will want to retaliate for "justice", and since she gets hurt way more than she should, her "counter" attack will be immense. Any intimate secret you shared can be used.

>She does occasionally say some pretty scary things like wanting to murder people and things like that. Don't think she would actually do it though, probably just in her mind (not trying to downplay it, I'm quite concerned)

I agree that she probably wouldn't do it, but her feelings are intense on that level. Whenever you hear about some crazy girlfriend revenge, it's BPD, though. This is something you can discuss, would she really do it? Ask, questions won't hurt.

>She has not seen a psychiatrist, but we did discuss this a little after a friend of ours got diagnosed with clinical depression. I think she is open to getting treatment.

If you can, do so. What I did with my lady was we went over the 9 symptoms and did some online tests. It was a relief for her. If she knows your intentions are good, go for it.

>Not sure what DBT is but did a bit of googling. Its something related to developing mindfulness? We're actually both Buddhists and have done meditation before. Was thinking of bringing her for more meditation classes and hope it would help

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, it's about "talking to yourself" to regulate your intense emotions. It's also defined as therapy and Buddhism, I heard. Good to know you're into Buddhism because it will feel familiar to you both. It's about handling the pain and calming the fuck down. There's a book about it written by some woman called Linehan, and she had BPD and managed to help herself a lot with this method. It's known as the most successful therapy for BPD.

>>35806211
>I left because there was a fair chance I'd kill her or she'd stab me in my sleep.

I now read sentences like these literally.

>>35803625
Can you give me some advice for coping with extreme apathy and boredom from depression? I'm hoping to start meds soon, but right now I have neither the energy nor interest to do anything, and most of my free time is spent sleeping. What can I realistically do in the meantime to help myself?

>>35806285
It was meant literally. This is me you're talking to.

>>35806313

Many have asked the same question ITT, try to find these questions and see if it applies to you.

I'd not recommend meds. Read about complex PTSD and see if it fits you. Just a shot in the dark for now.

Describe other symptoms you may have.

>>35806320

Oh, I know. I read it literally because I know it was meant literally. I'm just amazed by these conversations.

>>35805870
Mother: Met father when she was roommate's with his sister. They dated for about six years before marrying. She is about six years younger than my father. She got a degree in math and has worked in various record-keeping type jobs related to health care (medical records, medical coding, something about resolving health insurance claims). She is a liberal type catholic, and fairly devout. As far as I can tell, she has no friends, none that she goes out with or has over. I recently learned that she self-diagnosed herself as possibly having Asperger syndrome. She was 35 when I was born.

Father: From a well-off family, got a master's degree in art, then an associates to be a medical lab tech. Worked quite a lot when I was younger. He's a conservative type catholic. I don't share many opinions with him, so our conversations are usually limited to trivial things. As I said before, I avoid conflict. He did have friends that he would do things with when I was growing up. One thing I forgot to mention in the previous post is that my house was borderline hoarder messy when I was young, so I never had friends over and neither did my father. The computer we had growing up was always a mac, and he enabled / installed many parental restrictions, which infuriated me and I was constantly trying to circumvent.

Another thing I forgot to mention. My father's mother lived with us since I was 6. She would get into petty pedantic bickering with my mother over many things. The things she watched most often on TV were Fox News, Lawrence Welk, and ancient aliens-type shows on the discovery channel. She had the only cable TV in the house.

And one more thing, I have a sister, two years older than me, who is a normie. Conservative type catholic and very devout. She works as a teacher. We were fairly close growing up, at least until high school.

As far as my feelings towards my family members, I'm not so great at describing them I suppose.

>>35806253
Thank you for all the advice, Nick! It really felt better knowing this is a recognized psychological issue, many others are going through it and there is something we can do about it. I wish you well.

>>35806448

Very welcome! I'm here for that.

I hope you can report back on what happens next. I'm very curious.

I make this thread almost daily, otherwise you can write me an e-mail!

Take care.

>>35806396
-Mild headaches during the day (ringing pressure in my ears)
-Low energy/motivation
-Very little sex drive
-Severe Anhedonia

I've given meditation and daily walks in nature a try, but neither seemed to help much. I can feel my problem actively becoming worse, especially with those last 2 bullets. I do see a therapist, and venting hasn't helped either. Also, I can't find a direct cause of my problems. I'll read your previous answers, by the way.

>>35806435
forgot the name. I removed it to post in another thread.

Another thing I'll add is that I spent a lot of time ruminating about my past when I was an angsty teen, then towards the end of high school and early in college I identified that habit as unproductive, and aggressively tried to stop (perhaps over reacting). So it takes a while for me to recall childhood memories.

Guys, I need to take about 2 hours off or so, I need to work out and shower and eat. I'll be back ASAP.

>>35806435

I will take care of this in a few hours, I'm sorry, I really must go for a while.

See you later everyone! If the thread dies, I'll keep it in the archive and will be able to read your posts again, you won't have to rewrite everything. Just point out which is yours and I'll reread it.

Take care all of you and see you in a bit.

Alright, have a good one. Try to catch that movie if you're able, really good look at schizophrenia. My brother agreed so there you go, seal of approval from an actual schizophrenic. They Look Like People.

>>35806396
>>35806497
I looked up a bit about complex PTSD, and some of the symptoms fit, such as lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty relating to others, and loss of my system of meanings. It's true I went through some childhood trauma, like extremely heated (verbal) fights throughout my later childhood, but I don't see why they'd have such a big impact years later, when I've stopped caring about my family. It's true my problems hit a low point after the divorce (a year ago, I'm 18), but they were consistently getting worse before then. It feels like a biological problem, and my family's history with addiction and erratic personalities supports this.

Tell me if you'd like me to elaborate on anything.

>>35806937
>It's true I went through some childhood trauma... but I don't see why they'd have such a big impact years later
That's just how it goes. Doesn't matter whether you care about them, the damage was done during your development. If you ever 'recover' it will only be with a lot of effort. Treatment is a must.

>>35807010
But why apathy/? I'm 100% certain that it caused my fear of intimacy, but I was getting along fine by myself before all of my pleasures disappeared. Even when I go to therapy and try to spill my guts, I never think of my family or social life. My difficult relationship with them draws no emotion from me.

>>35804934
I had the same problem, they put me on sertralin which helped a lot. No more suicidal thoughts, I don't zone out as much, I have energy to work out and eat again.

Just annoyed they've kept me sober for three months.

>>35807178
I once heard depression described as negative space; an absence created because of pressure. In other words, rather than being upset or angry you have a flattening of affect that takes away feeling - positive or negative - rather than face it. Thus the solution would presumably be to work through all of your issues relating to your upbringing. I'm not claiming to be a therapist though, I've just been in a lot of sessions.

>>35807250
I guess that makes sense, and all those emotions could be repressed. Still, I don't know where to even begin with that. I tell my therapist everything I can think of, including very personal thoughts, but it's just venting and doesn't fix much. If that is the cause of all my problems, where do I even begin? It's mind boggling.

>>35807353
I can't help you there. Really, it comes down to having an excellent therapist. It can make all the difference.

Anons, this is my confession, I've never talked to anyone about this. Am I looking for advice? Maybe. But I'm mainly writing this to get it off my chest, perhaps this will help me. I just want to sit down and write what's on my mind, maybe no one will see it, maybe someone will. I don't mind.

>inb4 ''/r9k/ ain't your personal blog you fag''

As a kid, I was anti-social and no one really liked me, I was 'that weirdo who watches japanese cartoons' or 'the guy obsessed with online games' or 'the kid who never goes out of his house'. The teachers at school noticed that I was always alone, and I'd be hiding from everyone, so they told my father to take me to a psychologist.

You may wonder, why was I like that?

From a young age I was used by other people. I remember being forced to buy a bunch of kids ice cream for each of them so that they'd let me play with them, otherwise they wouldn't let me join them. The world was so unfair for me back then, why the fuck would I have to do that so I can play with them? Why am I the only one who has to do that?

I realized a few years ago, I was afraid of being alone, I wanted to fit in, so I'd do anything in order not to be alone, I'd even spend all of my money and constantly ask for more so I could buy things to the kids, so that they'd let me play with them. My father soon found out that I was buying everyone things with my money and he got really angry, not that much at them, but at me.

(1/?)

Continuing from my time at primary school, my father decided to take me to a psychologist, hoping that it'd help me. The psychologist was a young woman, probably in her late 20s/early 30s. She was really kind to me. I was finally gettng attention without having to do something in order to get it. I remember at first I would barely talk to her, I'd just stare at a plant inside the room, or the windows. But she took it slow and asked me questions about myself - who I am, what I like, what I want to achieve in my life, etc. I opened up a little for once, so I was making some progress.

I started feeling better, I didn't really consider myself to be a social butterly, but I wasn't anti-social either. It was at that time that I met a really kind guy who was about 3 years older than me. He actually considered me a 'friend' and never forced me to buy him anything. I was genuinely happy at that time.

I had my psychologist who was helping me out with my problems, and I had my best friend who was always there for me. He introduced me to World of Warcraft, anime and other stuff. I remember I'd sleep over at his house and we'd wake up early in the morning to watch Shaman King, those were the good days.

Fast forward two years later, he was 14 and I was 11, he entered puberty and started changing personality-wise. His friends were like "Why would you hang out with that kid?". I don't blame him, but he gave in to peer pressure and stopped hanging out with me. I isolated myself from the real world and spent most of my time in my house playing online games.

(2/?)

Some weeks later he called me. He said his friends were wrong, and that he wanted to hang out with me again. I could've said okay and continue being friends with him, maybe that'd save me. I have no way of knowing what my life would be like if I had done that, but I know for certain that my life would be extremely different. However, for some reason I told him no. He seemed really sad but well, I was scared of getting close to any human being, I was afraid that I'd be betrayed again, and left all alone.

I was a pretty thin kid back then, but as soon as I stopped hanging out with my formerly best friend, I stopped going out, I'd spend all my days eating junk food and playing games, so I gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time. The doctor even said that I'd get diabetes if I continued. Even the psychologist wasn't able to help, I was just a disgusting filthy human being at that time, and thus, I chose solitude in order to isolate myself from the rest of the world as I didn't want to be seen.

(3/?)

At the age of 14, I regained hope in life. A bunch of my classmates started inviting me out to play soccer together. Since I was a fatass back then I didn't really do anything or contribute to my team in any way possible, I couldn't run fast or score a goal, hell, I couldn't even be a goalkeeper because I was afraid of the ball. But I still felt special, someone actually cared about me after all those years.

I was afraid of losing my new friends, so I imitated them to fit in even more, thus making sure that I wouldn't be an outcast. I imitated their interests. I pretended to really like soccer, when in fact, I hated it. I found it a boring sport where 22 people just run around doing nothing interesting whatsoever. But even so, I pretended to like it.

When I was asked "What do you like?" I'd respond "I like soccer, going out in the mall [insert other generic shit that normies do here]", when in fact I loved spending hours on online games, watching anime, writing weird sci-fi stories etc.

So I kept on putting on this act for many years, pretending I like shit I don't so that I wouldn't be left alone, eventually, I got many friends, I'd even say I was getting a little bit popular. By that time I lost all my weight, I started working out and my body's condition was pretty good.

(4/?)

When I was 16. I met this slightly chubby dude with really long hair in my handball practice, and I found out he was a lot like me - spending hours on games, watching anime, etc. I freaked out by how similar our interests were, so I approached him and talked to him. He was a year older than me and I remember he was a chill person. Once I told him that I watch anime we started hanging out together, talking like the weebs we are about anime, theorizing and all that crap, it was really fun. In fact, I was having fun for the first time in my life after so many years. It was a special kind of feeling.

This was the kind of shit I liked, being a weeb and talking about anime. Fast forward a few months, there was this night when we were done with handball practice and we walked back home, he told me out of sudden "Why do you hang out with those guys?" (he was referring to my friends who liked soccer) "These guys are jocks, you have nothing in common. They love playing sports, talking about the match of the day, while you love sitting alone watching anime."

When I heard those words I was shocked and started questioning myself. Why am I pretending to be someone I'm not?. Why am I forcing myself to fit in? I have this weeb friend so I have no need for my other normie friends, right?

It's a long story, but I eventually stopped hanging out with the weeb. I'll try to give a short summary as for the reason why.

(5/?)

We were having a handball practice game, and we were against eachother. Long story short, I accidentally hit him really hard, he had to skip practice for like a week. The amount of guilt I felt after doing that was immense. Thus, I distanced myself from him (don't question the reason why I did that, even I don't know my thought proccess). He would often approach me during school, telling me it's okay and that I shouldn't worry about him. But out of guilt, I slowly started avoiding him.

Thus, I went back to hanging out with my normie friends. It was the same old shit as before, in other words I pretended to like things that I don't. About a year or two passed and the weeb graduated and I was a senior at my school.

It was then that I started maturing - or so I thought - I started thinking about life and regretting my actions. Why the fuck would I feel so guilty and distance myself from someone who I had so many things in common with? Why did I mess up with my life so much that now I'm pretending to be someone I'm not? Why am I not myself?"
I regretted every single of my actions, yet I couldn't stop. I'd keep on hanging out with those normies who I couldn't relate to. I was afraid of being lonely.

(6/?)

I just shut off all my feelings, I kept on living this boring life. I settled down for this kind of life. I pretended to be happy, cheerful, positive etc when in reality I was this gloomy self-hating guy. No one could see through my facade - except for that weeb whom I haven't spoken to for quite a while.

I forgot to mention that when the weeb graduated I stopped going to my psychologist, since both me and her thought that I was okay now. ( the reason why I went there in the first place was because I was anti-social, but now that I had "friends" I was supposedly okay, even though, I kinda regret for not talking to her about how I was faking everything).

Now for the next major event in my life, when I was seventeen, and when I first met my crush who destroyed me even more. This is getting long so I'll try to explain the key details

(7/?)

This 8/10 cutie pie girl from my school who was around my age found out that I was a weeb (through my facebook likes I suppose, I remember pressing like on a bunch of random anime shit back then).
"You watch anime?" is kinda how she started the conversation on normiebook. I thought she'd mock me about this but I didn't really care, so I answered yes. Surprisingly enough she was some sort of a closet otaku aswell, even though she didn't seem like it. She was fit and her skin was really nice (unlike those other "weeb girls" who have acne all over their face and just smell bad).

It was like 2am and we had school tomorrow, but we kept on chatting on plebbook, she was really cute, using emojis like :3 and all that stuff. Yes I found that surprising, I had many friends but I never really talked much with girls - mainly because I had tendencies of becoming socially retarded around them.

Nevertheless, at school we'd wave at eachother and not really talk, but at home we'd message eachother every few days. Now this may sound weird, but I fell in love.
>inb4 "you barely knew her you fucking faggot"

(8/?)

Being the miserable guy that I was, who was afraid of being lonely - and who got betrayed many times, and who just wanted to be genuinely happy. I fell for her at first sight.

Our conversations got a little bit more personal, we'd talk about real life instead of just anime, and I felt like I started getting connected to her. A few weeks later she told me she wanted to talk in real life too. I was like "Okay!" but in reality I was shaking in fear. I mentioned after all before that I was a bit socially retarded around girls, and the fact that she was my first crush didn't really help either.

She tried approaching me many times in real life, but since I'm such a faggot, I'd just answer her back with a single word and then walk away, saying I'm busy or something.

She stopped messaging me on facebook, and now that I think about it, she either a) felt like I was avoiding her in real life, or b) she wanted me to approach her in real life. I remember her last attempt to talk with me was when she told me to come to a comic con event with her and I replied to her "Nah, I'm sorry. I've got something to do with my friends at that day.", even though I was free. I was just being a beta ass faggot.

(9/?)

That whole period of time with her helped me a lot though. For the first time in my life, I opened up to my friends and I told them.
"Look, I don't really like soccer..I love watching anime, wasting my time on games and I often have self-harming tendencies. I experience depression nearly everyday and I'm not as happy as I seem to be."
They were pretty chill about this luckily, even though they were normies, they accepted my hobbies, but they didn't really like them either.

Fast forward a few months. I was really close to graduating. I hadn't talked to that girl for a long time, which is something I regret to this day. But atleast I achieved something, right? I was being genuine, my friends knew who I am.

And as soon as I embraced my real self, I found it easier to interact with other people - people I barely even knew, and heck, I even made some new female friends. It's as if I was an entirely different person. Now had my friends not accepted my hobbies and left me alone in the proccess, I think I'd have probably be a lot more different personality-wise, I'd probably go back to being the anti-social little kid I was back in primary school.

(10/?)

High school was about to end. My crush got a boyfriend, which kinda broke my heart, but I don't really blame her since I was too much of a beta to approach her, regardless of that, I felt like she kinda helped me with talking about my interests to my friends.

A few days before the graduation ceremony, me and my crush talked in real life - it was a short conversation to be honest, we were talking about some metal bands. But that was it, I could tell she was talking to me just to not seem rude, but she didn't really have the excitement she had before. It was a shame to be honest, had I not been a beta back then, I could've possibly been in a relationship with her.

Anyhow, I convinced myself that I had no regrets as soon as high school was over. I graduated with a good grade and the future seemed bright for me.

(11/?)

Fast forward once again to today. I'm now 19 years old. My life isn't really special, I'm just a NEET right now waiting for September so I can go to uni, as I have no intention of becoming a wagecuck. I'm still hanging out with those normie friends of mine, but this doesn't feel right at all. Even if they know that I like games, anime, edgy nihilistic shit etc, we don't really talk about them. Our conversations mostly consist of boring stuff like politics, soccer and all that shit.

I achieved nothing. It might be hard for any of you to relate to me, but it feels really strange hanging out with people who are completely different from you - and for some reason I'm once again pretending to be interested in that boring shit. I've also noticed that I'm getting more and more anti-social - maybe because I'm not around people as much as before, and thus I'm getting worse at socializing, ah, and I'm dealing with depression right now because of that.

It's really hard explaining, but I'm not living the life I'd like to live. In the proccess of trying hard not to be alone - in the end I forced myself to be alone. I had chances to connect with people similar to me but I threw them away because I was too scared.

(12/?)

A lot of shit happened from post-graduation to now, but I'd spend a lot more time writing it and I feel like that's enough. Can anyone relate to me, or has anyone had similar experiences? What do I do? I feel like a failure - this is definitely not the life I wished for.

I doubt anyone read so far, but if you did - thank you so much. You have no idea how happy a (You) would make me.

(13/13)

>>35808131
Here's your (You), it was an interesting tale and I hope you feel unburdened in the relating.

>>35808131
I've read everything and I can relate to some of the stuff that happened to you. The thing that helped me the most was having a motivation in life, because if you focus your actions even a little bit you will feel a sense of accomplishment every day, and having something to fall back on helps a lot. You will never reach "happiness" or feel totally satisfied of course, nobody will, the real objective is climbing the mountain.

>>35807241
I've been on max dose sertraline for quite some time now and it does next to nothing.

I'm back. Going to catch up.

>>35806574
>They Look Like People.

Duly noted. I actually opened a thread on /tv/ about movies which had more serious takes on mental illness, but I got zero response, or zero good responses.

>>35806937
>but I don't see why they'd have such a big impact years later, when I've stopped caring about my family

Because your brain. Your brain learned a certain way, and you don't turn this stuff off easily, especially if you don't realise it's on all the time.

Trust me, this is not biologic. I used to think the way you do, and it made me not see the obvious for decades, that's why I insist.

>>35807010

Seconded.

reugibreuigrhiuggw

>>35807250
>>35807445

Doing a fine job of answering people.

>>35807582

Super short answer from me for now:

>people-pleaser
>c-ptsd
>potentially narc parents
>watch Richard Grannon about people-pleasers

I may be wrong on many counts but that's what comes to mind immediately. Look it up.

>>35807688
>I was finally gettng attention without having to do something in order to get it.

Your parents should have done that, and I get the feeling they didn't.

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>>35807688
>Fast forward two years later, he was 14 and I was 11, he entered puberty and started changing personality-wise. His friends were like "Why would you hang out with that kid?". I don't blame him, but he gave in to peer pressure and stopped hanging out with me. I isolated myself from the real world and spent most of my time in my house playing online games.

Right in the feels.

>>35807712
>He seemed really sad but well, I was scared of getting close to any human being, I was afraid that I'd be betrayed again, and left all alone.

So you made yourself alone before someone else could. (Very BPD but I don't suppose to have it, just saying.)

Very sad series of posts, Anon.

>Be Cyborg semi-normie

>Hang out with people have lots of fun

>Get back home

>Feels like no one actually likes me, even though they do.

>Hate myself at the end of the day

How do I make it stop?

>>35809937
Y-you too Nick-senpai

>>35809899
I went on a walk an hour or two ago, and dwelt on it, and I think you're right. I actually had a very brief moment of joy because I realized something very important. This "blank" feeling that's consuming all aspects of my consciousness now has been inside me for years, particularly when my family had screaming matches that went on continuously for days. When I think closely about these experience, I realize they're horrific, but my mind's not capable of making sense of them, and the resulting mood is numbness and apathy. This problem runs deep, because I remember having my blank affect even at the age of 15 or 16. My dad is almost certainly bipolar, and there are a few occasions where he "flipped his switch" and kind of ruined all trust I had in him.

Yeah, that has to be a central cause - the roots of apathy are deep in my personality, like a mental block. I feel closer to solving the problem now than ever, but I'm not sure where to go next. Will a good therapist help me destroy that mental block? Is that how it works?

>>35807885
>Long story short, I accidentally hit him really hard, he had to skip practice for like a week. The amount of guilt I felt after doing that was immense. Thus, I distanced myself from him (don't question the reason why I did that, even I don't know my thought proccess).

I know it very well, and its potential source. You hate to make others feel bad in any way as if your own worth is at stake. Causing others negative feelings may feel like becoming worthless. Yes?

>>35808006
>and now that I think about it, she either

She understood all these things to mean you didn't want her but were trying to be nice about it. Tragic.

>>35808131
>I doubt anyone read so far,

I read it all.

There's a lot to say, but I don't even know if you're still around. You need a name!

>>35810064
>How do I make it stop?

Read BPD symptoms, see if anything else reminds you of you. It's in the OP.

>>35810098

I'm glad you stuck around. You do have interesting things to say to these people, and your experience is priceless. And I like seeing you use your super powers for good.

>>35810340

I'm still here. Thank you for reading all of my nonsense, I really appreciate it.

>>35810119
>and the resulting mood is numbness and apathy.

This is how your brain protects you and itself from anxiety. There's a literal process where it disconnects and you feel out of it. See dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation.

>My dad is almost certainly bipolar, and there are a few occasions where he "flipped his switch" and kind of ruined all trust I had in him.

Make sure it's not Borderline instead, read article in OP.

>>35810119
>Will a good therapist help me destroy that mental block? Is that how it works?

Yes. They help you see stuff that isn't normal, which seems normal to you. That was the greatest fucking revelation to me. Despite not being an idiot, I failed to see what is obvious to "normal people", that is, people raised by normal people. What was screaming abuse seemed normal to me.

Whenever I tell people that my father once spent 30 minutes shouting at my brother, who wanted to quit football (father's favourite sport), in front of other kids, telling him stuff like, "All you're good for is sucking your coach's dick," people always have amazing reactions, whereas, to me, it was just another day.

To be honest, I still struggle a bit to convince myself it's that weird and unusual. I feel brainwashed.

>>35810415
>I'm still here. Thank you for reading all of my nonsense, I really appreciate it.

None of it was nonsense. I enjoyed reading it. You express yourself very well and are an intelligent person. You have a keen insight on what goes on and you question yourself in all the healthy ways. I am very optimistic for you. You are resilient and resourceful.

One of your main problems that I can see is that you don't value yourself the way you should. You have harsh words towards yourself, and it's completely undeserved. You sound like a great guy who doesn't realise just how great he is. We need to change that.

I'd definitely talk Chinese cartoons with you provided the chance. (I don't know all that much, though my favourite is Evangelion, original series plus EoE, and I like GTO, except the last episode.)

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>tfw have PTSD
>Never got taught how to manage it
Help please. The info I see online explains what it is instead of HOW to stop the retarded intrusive thoughts.

>>35810429
>Make sure it's not Borderline
It could be either. My father had a life-changing car crash when I was a child, and ever since he hasn't been the same. I don't live anywhere near him now, and we'll never live together again, so it's not that important.
>>35810488
I know what you mean. How does that whole process really work, though? I'm honestly still skeptical about the healing properties of therapy. It's extremely hard to believe that just talking to someone about my problems will lead to life being enjoyable again (though I'm fully open to trying it). Is it like a dam that bursts, and I have to deal with all the emotions I've built up? Do they disassemble it piece by piece?

I dunno, I'm confused. It's okay if you can't answer that part.

>>35810583

Are you certain it's PTSD? Can you give examples?

Also, have you seen a therapist?

>>35806535
I'm still here.>>35806435 >>35806509

originalasdftgyuh

>>35810653
It's one of my diagnosis from when I still saw therapists.
A good example is when I'm at home, and there's yelling in the house. I freeze up and can't do anything but listen and try to get what's going on. I get extremely anxious and it just puts me on a downward spiral from there. Sometimes out of the blue I'll have thoughts about my shitty abusive childhood and that instantly makes me feel awful. I just feel like dying.
I also notice I tend to stop feeling emotions when I get overwhelmed. I just go blank. My mind slows down and I stop thinking, but I also stop feeling emotions and just kind of tense and on edge.
I don't get flashbacks or anything, but I do recall vivid memories, and it hurts to do so. I always feel bad when they get brought up, even if it's by accident. I feel awful right now just because I had to think of them.

>>35810539

Thank you for your kind words Nick.

How can I improve my self-esteem? I'm scared of going to a therapist (because obviously, I'm going to be judged). Even if I convinced myself to go to a psychologist, not only do I not have the money to pay, I'm also afraid that it wouldn't help me, I'd have to go to a psychiatrist and resort to drugs or something. I'm afraid this will fuck me up. I might even get in trouble if I accidentally say that I have suicidal tendencies. I'm extremely paranoid that I'll get locked on a psych ward.

>>35810624
>life-changing car crash

Then it may be due to brain damage rather than a personality disorder. This could get very complicated.

> and we'll never live together again, so it's not that important.

Since he raised you, it is important.

>I know what you mean. How does that whole process really work, though? I'm honestly still skeptical about the healing properties of therapy

I'll try to find you an example from my own therapy. I would tell her what people around me said, parents or otherwise, and she would say, "Anon, that is very bizarre," and I'd be surprised because it seemed normal to me. So she explained, and little by little, I realised people could tell me the weirdest shit and I just went with it because I was used to using their frame of reference. I was non-judgemental all the time, in a way. I was doing a therapist's job in my private life. I didn't see weird behaviour. I confused mentally ill people with cute autists, basically. Because I was raised by demons, so minor demons seemed cute puppies to me.

I'm seeing a whole new world now.

I know it's hard to imagine that so much can come from therapy. I went there without any hope and trust, and those were my first words to my therapist: "I come to you without no hope and very little trust."

I figured being honest was the best policy. I was right. After one hour, I felt like this was useful already. But you have to go when you're going for YOU.

If you have more questions, I'll be happy to respond.

>>35806435
>I recently learned that she self-diagnosed herself as possibly having Asperger syndrome.

I thought my father was an Aspie for over 15 years. I realised a few months ago he was a narcissist. Read about both Aspie and Narcs and see which fit best. Was she ever mean to you verbally? Did she make you feel bad?

>>35806435
>borderline hoarder messy when I was young, so I never had friends over and neither did my father.

Something to dig there, as this is not normal. Especially when kids are in the picture. If parents don't clean up, mental illness isn't far.

>and he enabled / installed many parental restrictions, which infuriated me

Were they unfair?

>>35806435
>She would get into petty pedantic bickering with my mother over many things.

DING DING DING. Sounds like narcissistic vampirism. And if she has it, chances are her son has it too, or traits of it. Up to you to see.

>As far as my feelings towards my family members, I'm not so great at describing them I suppose.

Red flag in itself. A psychiatrist once asked me to describe my mother (the way I do here), and I froze, and couldn't say jack for a full minute.

I was worried my psychiatrist would instantly imagine I wanted to fuck my mother, because of Freud, so I panicked even more and struggled to find something to say, but failed. I didn't know why I couldn't describe her.

Now I know.

What I knew to be true was the opposite of the official version, hers. I was raised by shit parents who constantly made us understood they were the best parents. My experienced conflicted with reality and I bugged.

It's 1984 in my childhood.

>>35810539
This has been my experience as well. At times my therapist has had to hand-hold me through an explanation of one thing or another because I've had an absolute mental block to my understanding of a given situation, or why a certain behaviour would be considered aberrant or illogical. It makes a big difference because it can be incredibly obvious once it's been explained. Not always, of course. For example, he goes on at length about the importance of doing things on the basis of agreement, and that conditioning of the sort that I practice in order to modify people's behaviour is a bad thing. Whereas to me, though the outcome is certainly different I fail to see how his attempts to adjust the way we process things isn't also conditioning.

Still, having someone with the insight, perspective and crucially, tact, help with mindfulness and improve understanding is a valuable thing. I'd also advise against female therapists but that's purely anecdotal.

>>35810779
>Since he raised you, it is important.
Well, what he did to me is, but why he did it isn't necessary to know.
>If you have more questions, I'll be happy to respond.
Yeah. Is it possible to undo such a strong coping mechanism? I see the value of having a fresh perspective, but I have no idea how to demolish that mental barricade I've built. I trust your judgment, it just seems unrealistic that my Anhedonia and numbness may be cured by this.

Also, how do I find a good therapist? You said you're not American, but general advice is fine.

>>35810918
>it can be incredibly obvious once it's been explained.

This. I've felt like an utter fool or like someone fresh out of a cult after my therapist made me realise my parents made ZERO sense in their conversations. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. Last time I saw my parents, I saw without filter, and what I saw was terrifying. I haven't seen them since then and may never see them again, ever. Facet speaks truth.

>>35810918
>on the basis of agreement, and that conditioning of the sort that I practice in order to modify people's behaviour is a bad thing. Whereas to me, though the outcome is certainly different I fail to see how his attempts to adjust the way we process things isn't also conditioning.

You agree to come to therapy; the people you manipulate don't agree to jackshit. That's the huge difference.

Conditioning isn't the key part, the key part is agreeing or being manipulated.

>>35810918
>I'd also advise against female therapists but that's purely anecdotal.

On my side, I've only ever had female therapists. I also get along with women more than men. I'm not sure why. But each his own. I know a woman who refused to have a female therapist, and the secretary asked why, because the option wasn't offered, and my friend said, "Because I'm a closeted bisexual and a female therapist might turn me on, which would distract from the therapy." That convinced the secretary, kek.

What's your reason, Facet?

>>35810920
>Well, what he did to me is, but why he did it isn't necessary to know.

Everything matters, especially things you try to resist.

>Yeah. Is it possible to undo such a strong coping mechanism? I see the value of having a fresh perspective, but I have no idea how to demolish that mental barricade I've built. I trust your judgment, it just seems unrealistic that my Anhedonia and numbness may be cured by this.

Yes. It's possible. Once your fear is gone, your brain will reconnect. Eventually, you'll feel better. I'd also advice working out on them muscles. I just got done doing that and I always feel instantly better after working out and a shower.

>Also, how do I find a good therapist? You said you're not American, but general advice is fine.

Try Psychologytoday.com, supposedly, you can find good ones in your city.

I'd advise finding a psychologist that works in a team with a psychiatrist. To avoid loons.

Beyond that, go once, see how you feel. Don't force yourself to stay with someone where you don't feel it.

>>35811248
Alright then, one more question. If therapy isn't working a few months later, should I try meds?

>>35811071
No, he said it wasn't conditioning. The rest of it I'm already aware of. Regardless, he's using his knowledge of psychological techniques to change the ways I think and behave. He refused to acknowledge that that was conditioning, not whether or not consent was involved (and I do appreciate that difference).

>>35811132
Meh, sexual complications regarding therapists are pretty common. In any case, my experiences with female therapists have been negative. The counsellor I saw in childhood ultimately concluded that nothing was wrong with me and that she couldn't help me. She later told my mother that she considered my case to be one of her great failures.

Once I was an adult I went for a battery of tests - IQ, personality profiling and the rest - and one of the assessors was a woman. She took offence to me looking at documents she left out in her therapeutic space. She was also easily rattled by me. Thus, I considered her foolish and unprofessional. If you can't respect a therapist then you can't work with them properly. My current therapist is quite capable of handling my bullshit plus he's worldly, compassionate and likely more intelligent than I am. Since I can respect him even if I don't entirely understand him, it works better. A woman could possess these traits, but it just hasn't been my experience. Plus, because of my mother I do have some issues with women anyway. If I had a female therapist and I was able to manipulate her into sleeping with me, or to make her feel guilty for something I did, I would absolutely do it.

>>35811288

No. Meds don't work for certain conditions. In yours, it's clearly psychological. Meds would make things worse, more complicated, and not help in the end.

>>35811302
>He refused to acknowledge that that was conditioning, not whether or not consent was involved (and I do appreciate that difference).

OK. I guess by "conditioning", he thinks of stuff like Skinner pigeons and such. Maybe he's right in that sense. It's not conditioning if it's not artificially connected.

>Meh, sexual complications regarding therapists are pretty common.

Just find ugly ones.

> The counsellor I saw in childhood ultimately concluded that nothing was wrong with me and that she couldn't help me. She later told my mother that she considered my case to be one of her great failures.

She was right. Holy shit.

>>35811302
>She took offence to me looking at documents she left out in her therapeutic space

I've considered doing that to my own file while she was out, but I know that's off limits, you naughty boy.

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>>35811316
That makes sense. I've done a ton of reading on Anhedonia, and I've never run into a success story attributed to medication. Guess I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Anyhow, thanks for all the help. This is the first time in a long while I've felt closer to solving this problem. To express my gratitude, have a nice picture.

>>35811373
Ultimately, counsellors seem equipped only to deal with softball problems. She may have been perfectly capable of dealing with something of a lesser magnitude but in the end she damaged my opinion of therapy for many years.

>>35811427
I would love to read my own file, but I doubt it's very flattering. It could be that reading it would prove too much of a barrier to our working together.

>>35811302
>If I had a female therapist and I was able to manipulate her into sleeping with me, or to make her feel guilty for something I did, I would absolutely do it.

My ex said virtually the same thing. Like a therapist is a challenge that needs to be broken. "I will make him excited by my presence, since he is not allowed to sleep with me."

You guys...

>>35811443

I like that picture. Very peaceful. I used to play tennis. Mostly, I liked hitting things more than anything.

You are indeed closer than ever, and I think it'll only keep getting better.

>>35811457
Haha, yeah that sounds familiar.

>>35811453

How does someone like you ever get himself to a therapist? Was there a specific event?

>>35803625
Recently when going to bed I've been muffling my ears by holding my hands over/around them.
My family is quite loud and this is the only way to get quiet.
But the problem is, I start panicking about the smallest sounds and I've heard things that weren't there.
It hurts a lot, mentally.

I'm currently lying under my covers and listening to my in ear phones to muffle all sound.
Mentally ill or no?

>>35811649
>My family is quite loud

How loud are they? What are they doing?

Suddenly, everyone's gone...

>>35811920
Would you mind answering this post if you can? >>35810756 If not that's okay, I understand.

>>35811979

Sorry! I must have missed it, my bad. On it!

>>35810756
>A good example is when I'm at home, and there's yelling in the house. I freeze up and can't do anything but listen and try to get what's going on.

Sounds like it. Did your parents shout at you?

You answered that below. Actually.

But yeah, it sounds like PTSD, which doesn't exclude complex PTSD as well.

Did you notice any improvement from therapy?

>>35812061
>Did you notice any improvement from therapy?
The only way I learned I had PTSD was because I saw it on a sheet of paper I got from my physician.
Therapy didn't do anything but make my life worse with drugs.
If you know how to deal with intrusive thoughts and massive amounts of anxiety I would be grateful. I can't smoke weed and drink alcohol at work for example.

I posted earlier in this thread and might've missed it, but what do you suffer from Nick?

>>35810778

I missed this post too...

>I'm scared of going to a therapist (because obviously, I'm going to be judged).

Don't, because they won't judge you. They're here to help you. Besides, they understand why people do things, so judging isn't what you'd do. It's not a moral judgement. They judge you brave enough to come, for instance.

You don't have to accept medication, and no reasonable therapist will get you locked up. Not unless you're psychotic and sound utterly insane. It may vary depending on countries, though. You should be OK.

>>35810778
>How can I improve my self-esteem?

You need to solve your unresolved issues.

Did you describe your parents anywhere in your posts? I don't recall much of that, but then again, I mix everything up...

>be assburger
>normie friend drags me to house party
>girl there was dropping hints to me all night
>touching my arm, head against my shoulder
>too scared/anxious to make a move and pretended to play dumb

am i screwed? the irony is that im sexually frustrated/horny a lot of time but yet im too scared and anxious to make a move. cannot wrap my mind this and its obviously the autism. I dont think ill ever be able to fix it but holy fuck i dont understand how some people do it

>>35812119

None of your therapists could provide any help?

Anon, you need to talk about your abusive past. Doing so here may already help. It may be hard, but you're not alone.

>>35810806
No she wasn't mean verbally, nor did she make me feel bad. None of the things in the narcissistic parent link fit at all. I'm pretty sure she is just mildly autistic.

>>35810826
They certainly seemed unfair at the time.

>>35810891
I'm not great at describing my feelings in general. My grandmother may well be narcissistic, but I don't consider her direct influence on my (emotional) life to be significant. My inward disposition towards her was mostly dismissive and perhaps contemptuous (though obviously I never confronted her, because as I said, I tend to avoid conflict). Whether or not my father is a narcissist, I can't say. The items on that list don't seem to fit.

I'm curious about what you were referring to in your first response >>35805870
>I recognise a lot in there, and it's consistent
Was it just the parental narcissism thing?

I have always enjoyed killing stuff, I don't know why. After seeing all these ISIS decapitations and burning of captured soldiers and elementary kids getting lined up and killed by them I think I should take my passion to the army. I'm afraid that if I go I might enjoy myself too much and start torturing guys for the laughs. Could I get court martialled for going a bit overboard? Anyone with experience help please.

>>35812154
>but what do you suffer from Nick?

I don't have an official diagnosis yet. I've suffered intense anxiety, a few breakdowns which I know assume result from BPD traits (I have some very focused symptoms, especially with regards to relationships), I may have C-PTSD. While I'm easy to get along and people tend to like me a lot, and tell me personal things, I don't have many friends and I'm going nowhere with my life at the moment. I've recently been through 3 devastating events which have deleted me from myself, and I'm slowly rebuilding. I've lost everything in a short amount of time and faced acts from pathological people than I wish I had.

>>35812251
Thanks for the help. I don't want to talk about that kind of stuff here. Sorry.

>>35812245

Try imagining you don't have autism, because maybe you don't at all.

You should relax, not value yourself based on someone else's reaction. It's OK to be nervous, you can even tell the girl she makes you nervous, in a good way.

Nothing to fear but fear itself.

That said, that girl might be more predatory than you realise, and that'd explain why you didn't actually feel turned on. Trust your instincts.

>>35812345
Alright. You did say I had BPD/C-PTSD traits as well when I told you my story earlier, but I seriously doubt it. I looked them both up and save for sharing perhaps a symptom or two, I am nothing like they're described.

>>35812281
>They certainly seemed unfair at the time.

Give an example if you can.

>>35812281
>Was it just the parental narcissism thing?

No, more like you behave like someone who went through abuse. Have you looked at the various forms of abuse in the OP link?

>>35812288
>Could I get court martialled for going a bit overboard?

Yes.

Describe your parents.

>>35812356
>Thanks for the help. I don't want to talk about that kind of stuff here. Sorry.

I will not force you.

If you'd rather talk of it more privately, I'll read everything you write in an e-mail. It's up to you. But wherever you find resistance in yourself, that's where you should focus.

Is this the end for tonight?

>>35811534
My parents put me in therapy to begin with. Later on I went of my own accord, mostly because I could tell something was wrong, since I was depressed and tended to over-rely on drink. After all, if someone is happy there'd be no reason to go. I've never really been happy and so it seemed it behooved me to go. It has helped me make better choices, but I'm not much chirpier desu.

>>35812823
>>35812838
I was just off having my evening meal. Low-fat stirfry, not that anyone asked.

>>35812398
Thing is I do and I even know it, (diagnosed at 4 years old)

I never got into any sexual relationships in my teens and Im 19 in college now, never being exposed to kinds of things that most of the other people have already many times so i tend to overthink about it like everything else conficting, maybe im just scared of a new experience is what i mostly think about it

>>35812199

I'll describe them now, in case it helps. The strange thing with my parents is that my father progressively got nicer, while my mother seemed to be getting more and more depressed over the years. I heard from my mother that my father didn't really like taking care of me when I was a baby (changing my nappies or feeding me when I was hungry) and that she was on her own, he would often come home very late at night with a friend of his and he'd drink alcohol, she told me that he'd often shout at her during the night because he was drunk. Obviously, I don't remember any of it because I was at a very young age.

When I was at the age of four, we moved to another country. This had a really negative effect on my mother, she lost the few friends she had, and she hated the country that we now live in. When I was six my father went to the UK to work so he could support us financially, and thus, it was just me and my mother. She did a pretty good job at raising me, but I could tell that she was sad. She was in a foreign country without her husband and she had a kid to take care of.

Two years passed and my father came back, I was told that at first I absolutely hated him, and didn't even consider him my father, I even spit at him multiple times. It seems like he felt guilty for not being there for me, and he started spending more time with me, taking me out to play, or buying me toys and so on. I remember fondly that my parents didn't have a good relationship, and one night I hid under the bed while they were arguing and I was crying and yelling ''STOP!''. My father was abusive at times, even though he loved and he'd sometimes hit me with a broom or a belt, especially if I made a lot of noise during the morning, because he worked late and he was sleeping until 11am.

(1/2)

>>35812867
One time my father said that he'd break up with my mother if it wasn't for me, and he even cheated her once (I myself saw his text messages with another woman). I tried to keep them together by standing up for my father, saying that he was just joking with those messages. Obviously my mom could tell that this wasn't the case, but it seems like my parents somehow stayed together due to my efforts.

As the years went on by, my mother's mental condition got worse, and she even ended up going to a therapist, although that didn't help her AT ALL. My father nowadays is one of the few people who genuinely believe in me, he always tells me I'm capable of great things and he's the one motivating me to go to a university. I suppose he's trying so hard for me because of his guilt, he doesn't really have arguments with my mother anymore, even though she complains all the time and wants to start an argument. It's as if he's gotten more mature. Or maybe he's just gotten old and he realized that the only thing he'll leave behind is his achievements as a father.

tl;dr

Mother: Was quite social, although shy, but she's gotten to the point of being depressed, having no friends, being scared of going to work because of social encounters. She's definitely mentally ill and I can't do anything about it, nor can a psychologist help her anymore. She's clearly only working so my sister and I can have a bright future ahead of us.

Father: Used to be an alcoholic, a gambler and an abusive father. However, he changed over time and now I can tell that he's surely one of the nicest people I know and I have deep respect for him. He cares about both of his children, and he tries to maintain a good relationship with his wife for the sake of me and my sister.

>>35812862

I assume you live alone.

>>35812863
>(diagnosed at 4 years old)

That sounds very early for such a diagnosis.

>>35812937
It isn't. Autism is possible to discover very early on.

>>35812921
You assume wrong, in this case. I have a fairly comfortable arrangement.

>>35812867

Already the abuse is overbrimming here. Check the link I provided about abuse. I'll still greentext the examples here that are abuse.

>my father didn't really like taking care of me
>my mother seemed to be getting more and more depressed over the years.
>she told me that he'd often shout at her during the night because he was drunk

Not remembering doesn't mean you weren't affected as a young child. Having someone shout at your mother, when you're under 4, can only be traumatising.

>I could tell that she was sad.

You might have tried to cheer her up, acting like an adult to her, which is also a form of abuse, since you're supposed to be taken care of, not the opposite. It's called parentification.

>I hid under the bed while they were arguing and I was crying and yelling ''STOP!''.

This is intense, man... Very brutal stuff to live through.

> hit me with a broom or a belt

The thing with noise, I see that often. Even remember some in my own life, from other people than my parents. It really feels like they need any kind of lame excuse to unleash hell on a child. It sickens me.

But yeah, Alex, all the roots of your adult condition are there already.

>>35812468
Well I know that I didn't go through physical or sexual abuse. My physical needs were provided for. And they never, as you put it "make us understand that they were the best".

>>35812450
Well I guess imagine having to use a school computer at home. An overly populated web blacklist, no installation rights, restricted time for use. Like I said, it seemed unfair at the time, but then again I was a kid. I got my own computer as a sophomore in high school.

My own interpretation of it all is the following-

1) I was born with an inherently avoidant disposition, probably within normal bounds. Perhaps some influence from parents, but I doubt it was anything deliberate or malicious.
2) I never learned to develop and sustain friendships outside of a school setting. The messy house was probably significant in this.
3) When puberty hit, I overreacted to all the dumb shit I did and began to excessively ruminate, becoming withdrawn. Good / normal memories fade. Perhaps here there was a chance for parental intervention. But I don't really think that's a completely fair expectation.
4) Aggressive avoidance of rumination, "bad" memories fade. Now dull and friendless.

>>35812899
>my father said that he'd break up with my mother if it wasn't for me, and he even cheated her once (I myself saw his text messages with another woman)

So much is wrong here. So much.

>I tried to keep them together by standing up for my father, saying that he was just joking with those messages.

Trying to save them, doing an adult's job.

There certainly is much to dig in there, Alex. I'm getting tired and I keep forgetting who's who.

What do you think of finding a therapist?

>>35813088

Yeah, but when it's the non-highly-functional types of autism, I'd assume.

>>35813098

Is that so?

orgirngirngiengie

>>35813199

I don't have the money to pay a therapist, I'm really careful with my spendings because I'm saving up to move out and go to uni.

>>35813218
Nah, even high functioning people with aspergers tend to get diagnosed as kids.

>>35813280

All right, then I suggest doing a lot of reading about those things. You can make some progress on your own too.

>>35813237
Is it really a surprise that I land on my feet when manipulation is pretty much my whole bit? I have to say though, I treat her pretty well. She's pretty insulated from things for the most part, plus she has something that makes her useful but also pretty bulletproof: a loving, generous family.

>>35813345

Don't you feel invalidated by your own manipulation though? If people love you or support you only because you've manipulated into doing so.

Don't you sometimes wish to be loved and appreciated for who you are instead?

>useful and bulletproof

Does she know about your real you?

>>35813436
I do help her as well, with support, care and decisiveness. I've mentioned before that I tend to see relationships in transactional terms, and by my reckoning this is mutually beneficial.

In any case, I do have affection for her and clearly she sees something of value in me. She's aware of the dissociated identities etc but has only had to deal with it rarely.

But yes, there's a lot I've kept from her. It would be a shame if she had the full picture. At that point I would have to move on I suppose. But there again I'm always prepared for that since I see it as an eventuality. Enjoy what you have while you have it, but don't necessarily expect it to be there tomorrow. There are plenty of vulnerable girls (or guys at a push) out there.

>>35813585

Boy, this is bleak.

I never thought I'd lose my fiancee. But I did. Still can't believe it. And still, I'd rather not have lived as though it could end any time.

>>35813637
Well that's not specific to her by any means. The overwhelming majority of relationships fail. Marriages more often end in divorce than not. Bleak perhaps, but I tend to think of it as realistic.

>>35813718

I'm still a hopeless romantic.

Is it better to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist? How can I know if a psychiatrist is better for me?

>>35813789
Just watch you don't let that hurt you. After all, there are some pretty cynical/ mentally ill people out there and you might find you come off worse.

>>35813878
>Is it better to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist? How can I know if a psychiatrist is better for me?

If you may need medication due to psychosis, definitely a psychiatrist, otherwise either can do. I'd say it has more to do with the exact person, though. A psychiatrist is a doctor, a psychologist is not.

>>35813789
Vaikyuko?

>>35813888
>Just watch you don't let that hurt you.

It always does. Still unsure whether I've been the target of narc abuse or the victim of BPD defenses for things I hadn't done.

>>35813946

I don't understand, sorry.

egregruigiweufwoefhewihfw

>>35813968
Is there a big difference either way?

Oh, in other news I ended up talking to someone last night and dissociated pretty hard - ended up shifting fairly extremely into the most volatile part. Fortunately mere words can't do as much harm as I would have done in person. It was fine, anyway. Admittedly a little regrettable but yeah no one was any the worse off. Like I said before, it's best when I take steps beforehand to minimise risk.

>>35814248
>Is there a big difference either way?

Yes, in one, it wasn't done against me, in the other, it was. I'd love to know, some day.

> ended up shifting fairly extremely into the most volatile part

Care to elaborate?

>>35814277
I mentioned my interactions with this person before, because she had some comparable issues to me and that it would be better to do my best to help her rather than be complicit in her problems. Last night, that wasn't really my perspective. She got what she wanted out of the conversation but I don't believe that it was helpful for either of us. But then I can't really remember most of it beyond a vague emotional impression anyway so there we are.

>>35814495
>She got what she wanted out of the conversation but I don't believe that it was helpful for either of us

What was it?

>>35814528
To reconstruct her abusive upbringing pretty much.

>>35814546

To reconstruct it? You mean you got to be daddy? Is that what you mean?

>>35814561
Fulfilling the same role. She regressed, I did what I do. Not healthy for either of us, but it seems to keep playing out that way.

>>35814653

Not sure if it's obvious to you, but you're being as unclear as possible.

>I did what I do

This could be any number of things, but I won't pretend I know. Are you cheating your on your current girlfriend?

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Anyone else having delusions about being able to talk to females and actually make it, but fail horribly when you give it a go yet the delusion does not fucking go away? Been happening since the last time I wasted myself in a party (~2.5 months ago), it is like my drunk self didn't go off yet.
I am afraid of turning into those pervy bastards, and yes I am a virgin you fuck.
fantasizing about driving a girl into submission to do whatever I want at the time

>>35814748

I don't. I find the less you try, the easier it would be.

I'm going to bed soon, guys.

>>35814691
Nah, I'm not cheating. I'm being unclear because as I said, when I dissociate I can't remember what happens properly. But essentially my abuser introject interacted with the part of her that blames herself for the abuse and believes her abuser loved her and was faultless. As I said, it was only a conversation and that is surely for the best. I'm sure there was a lot of pleading and apologising, and a lot of condemnation, ordering around, possibly some self-inflicted violence on command.

But as you might expect (or not, I dunno) when that side of me comes out then the part that remains a victim trapped in the abuse becomes very upset - triggered if you like. So that leads to an even more volatile and polarised split. A real internal conflict.

>>35814843

Had I more time, I'd ask more, but that'll be for another day.

Last question: do you split people? In the sense of suddenly hating someone you "loved" before? I might have asked before, I don't remember.

>>35814895
You have. I answered at the time that I do but I tend not to hate people specifically. I can decide that someone is all bad and therefore cease to like or trust them, but that's my default assumption anyway. I bear no ill will toward any of my exes, for example.

>>35814968

Can you fall in love?

>>35814998
That's a question I've asked myself many times. I imagine that 'love' means different things for different people, but most deeply I suspect not. There are exes whom I miss but there again I did truly hate her at times, then in the aftermath I felt the deepest pain I have ever felt. Without exaggeration I felt that any physical injury would in one specific moment have been preferable. So I suppose that's the interpersonal splitting you mentioned.

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>>35815097

I'd soon crawl through a field of razorblades than go through a heartbreak. It's my BPD trait. Way too intense about relationships.

I'll keep reading for a bit but won't respond anymore.

Take care, Facet. You know where to write if you want to.

Nighty.

23 years old and basically 0 libido, also never really been in love or attracted to someone. Also feel more comfortable walking around as androgynous. All my life I didn't really care but I am starting to believe that my sexual and romantic numbness are rooted in something deeper but I honestly have no idea what it could be. So... thoughts?

>>35815182

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/personality-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

I'm going now, sorry :(

See you next time I hope.

>>35815170
Thank you, and sleep well.

DANG IT just a tad too late

>>35815211
It's okay, the post is long enough already. Have a good night!

>>35803839
Hi, it's me. I really just felt the need to vent yesterday but still feel like talking about it. I've had these feelings since I was in 5th or 6th grade. Maybe 4th, but i dont recall it being quite that young. Sometimes they go away for months but then the desire returns. Sometimes it keeps me on edge for days.