Psychological Issues #7

Nobody original at all originally?

So my father got his hand bitten of by a wolf.
He healed just fine, be gets insanely bummed out when people sing "if you're happy and you know it".
How would you cheer him up?

>>35690541
>How would you cheer him up?

Whenever someone says "If you're happy and you know it..." I'd slap your dad on his naked ass while he pretends to clap.

That way, everyone's happy.

I just see this relentlessly nihilistic future. One that reflects my past and present. Nothing seems to have much purpose. I'm marking time. It's going alright, but it still feels pointless. I'm pretty depressed I think. Not sad, but depressed. It's a chronic and persistent state that's been going on at least ten years. I've cut the drink, I have a live-in gf, I work out, I cook, I do a part time job (I doubt I could cope with full time). I'm still miserable.

I'm addicted to listening to music and at the same time day dreaming. How to i stop this forever and start to live a life?

>>35690614

Very possibly, something is amiss, and it could be something you haven't thought of in all this time.

I've felt the same way for about as much time, possibly more, and at the end of it, I've discovered my abusive past. It made sense of all the issues I had had over the years.

Do you think something of the sort may be at play? This can be even if you don't think you've been abused, which was my case.

Perhaps you remember abuse. Let me know, and get a name. Existential Anon.

>>35690676
>I'm addicted to listening to music and at the same time day dreaming. How to i stop this forever and start to live a life?

First, you start by not assuming one prevents you from doing the other. Day-dreaming while listening to music is a fine activity. You can't possibly be doing this 16 hours a day. Right?

As to living a life, what do you want from life?

>>35690685
Be wary of suggesting things like that: it's a hiding to false memories. Think the Satanic Panic. Fortunately though, I was abused emotionally, physically and sexually so you're alright this time.

>>35690733
>Be wary of suggesting things like that: it's a hiding to false memories.

Suggesting like checking if you have memories of abuse? False memories generally happen with hypnosis and leading questions. I'm doing nothing of the sort.

As to the Satanic Panic, while that was mostly debunked, there were legit cases with really weird stuff happening. It's still happening. I've read a whole FBI report on it, and if Anneke Lucas is worth her salt, it's still going strong.

But back to you.

So you remember. Have you spent any time reading about this? Most of your adult issues will have to do with that, not having been raised the way you should have been, with unconditional love, real care, etc.

I am sorry for what you went through. Just know you're not alone, and those of us with missing pieces somehow find each other more "familiar", almost as if our missing pieces could fill other people's missing places.

>>35690724
I do it for up to about an hour and a half a time and i do it multiple times a day. It's all i do most days aside from school.
As for what i want from life, i want control i guess. I'm not mature enough for any real dreams or aspirations but i want to be able to achieve them should they come.

>>35690733
>Think the Satanic Panic.

http://www.cultwatch.com/satanicabuse.html

If you're interested in the report I mentioned, there it is.

>>35690886

Do you have any concrete projects? Things you can start soon and such?

>>35690829
I do see your point, but I'd be worried about reaching out to other people that might have had similar experiences. I would be scared of something bad happening again.

>>35690905
Thanks, I will read that. I do think it was more a moral panic escalated through copycats than any kind of legit epidemic though.

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>>35690946
>I do see your point, but I'd be worried about reaching out to other people that might have had similar experiences. I would be scared of something bad happening again.

Such as?

>Thanks, I will read that. I do think it was more a moral panic escalated through copycats than any kind of legit epidemic though.

The main problem was that people on either side didn't stick to the facts and bloated the stats. While it wasn't thousands of children being abducted, there were cases, just not that many.

>Anneke Lucas

Here's her story:

https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/anneke-lucass-harrowing-tale-of-sex-trafficking-am/

Very Eyes Wide Shut.

Keep in mind, the whole "satanic" side of things could very well be a way to make sure witnesses sound crazy when they speak out. It's twisted enough for such people to do, and they enjoy getting dressed up.

>>35690918
No. Something general i would like to start is jogging but i get scared of going outside and can't commit to anything anyway

>>35691016

If my old computer was not dead, I could give you material for that, I used to make threads about fitness around here.

Maybe you can join a gym?

I don't enjoy anything. I don't have any hobbies, I just pick a video game or a website and spend all of my free time there to try and distract myself from how miserable I am.
I am not capable of having meaningful connections with other people; I don't enjoy interaction with others at all and I don't care about their lives or their feelings. However, I am intensely lonely... but interaction doesn't make me feel any less lonely.
I dropped out of college because I hated college and don't know what to do with my life. I am back in college but I still have the same problems. Why am I putting forth all of this effort? Is it just the blind hope that my life with a degree will be somehow better than without? How could that even be true if I don't have any passions or direction?

>>35690993
Just I've got close to people before. I tend to be on the margins and it's got pretty ugly. There was one time when someone older got me involved in these pictures for a website or something. I don't think there ever was a website anyway. In the end my friend made him pay what he owed me at least. It was confusing and somehow hurtful. I wonder if he still has them. He's married with kids now.

>>35691055

Do you have emotions of your own? Do you feel emotions beyond sadness and anger?

>>35691076

I am not at all sure what you're talking about here. Some deep dark web pedo site?

>>35691129
Sorry. No, I wasn't that young. Seventeen or eighteen I think.

>>35691108
Pretty much exclusively sadness and anger. I laugh sometimes but I don't think I'm ever "happy" or anything else; I can explode at any moment into a dumb, autistic, impotent rage at any moment if I let go

>>35691166

Do you enjoy people's pain?

>>35691036
Scared to be seen and also the money is a pain. Also commitment issues.

I somehow have to overcome this being scared of being seen outside issue i think if I'm going to do any fitness related thing. But i have no idea how, it's just so much easier and feels so much nicer to stay in my room like i do every day.

>>35691278
Not really, no. I don't really care too much about it most of the time. Sometimes it affects me, but rarely

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>>35691347
>>35691278
Fuck i keep forgetting to put my name on, sorry

>>35691299

Got a car? Drive to some distant place and run there.

>>35691347
>>35691371

Any trauma in childhood?

>>35691378
That's a very good idea. Unfortunately i don't have a car just yet. I might be getting one within a month though.

>>35691390
No. Normal upbringing, some bumps and bruises along the way but nothing out of the ordinary.

I hate working. I just can't do it. I even tried working part-time and it's still killing me inside every minute of it.
Doing something I'm actually interested in could help, if there actually was anything like that. Since very first job aptitude tests back in school I scored low on every suggested career and now nothing has changed.
My only idea after finishing high school was going into programming since I loved video games, so I tried compsci and dropped out on 2nd semester. I wasn't interested and was too stupid to at least force myself into a field somewhat related to my hobby.
So feeling dumber than ever, I thought that I should at least find something so easy even a retard can do, so I remembered some guy who was in the same psych ward with me who was a cook, so I decided to enroll into cooking college. Well, turned out working in a kitchen is a living hell.
So after graduation my options were pretty slim. Shitty manual labor and retail mostly. And after 2 years of misery here I am, about to quit another shitty retail job I hated so fucking much holy shit.
One advice I often find on the net is trying to get into arts. Too bad I'm shit at everything I tried. Can't draw at all, tried learning it for a few month with literally zero progress. Can't write anything that isn't mishmash of other people's ideas and since I never really liked reading, the quality of writing is shit too, as probably evident by this post. My family was also too poor to buy me instruments so I never got into music either. Acting could've been nice if I didn't develop crippling sociophobia after being bullied in high school.
I just don't even know man. Most of the time I just wanna kill myself, but can't because of my family. It sucks being an untalented, dumb, lazy fuck with no hope at all.

I am seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks. What should I expect?

>>35691460

Just walk some distant place, as a warm up, then run when you're away, and come back walking.

>>35691487

Describe your parents.

>>35691595
Really supportive and believe I can do anything. Very forgetful. Wealthy/successful. Tend towards nagging.

I can never focus or concentrate on anything, and have problems getting anything done. I could get some adderall or something, but I haven't been officially diagnosed with ADD so I couldn't get a prescription, and I don't know anyone who sells. I've had depression for a long time. It's getting better though. I also find that I am almost always bored. There isn't much that I can find fun. I also have intense envy toward people who are better at things that I am, and feel like a loser a lot of the time. I can't form meaningful connections with anyone, and hate almost everyone. Life feels empty and meaningless. The only reason why I haven't killed myself yet is because transhumanism might one day be able to fix my shitty neurochemistry.

>>35691519

Woah, friend, don't be so harsh on yourself, you don't deserve such hatred from your own self.

Your writing is fine, and as to drawing, try this:

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain (by Loomis) or something. Just asked ex-fianc[e]e for the reference. This book works, and don't get stuck up on the right/left brain shit, it's just a model.

Your problem isn't that you're shit, you're not shit, but there is an issue having to do with motivation, perhaps patience, and something of the sort.

We need to find out what exactly, but it has nothing to do with laziness or being dumb. That I can guarantee.

>>35691648
>Tend towards nagging.

Ding ding ding. Develop.

>>35691759
They just nag a lot. Constantly ask how I'm doing, what I'm doing, how my friends are doing, etc. They want to make sure I am following through on my responsibilities. I never am. I don't know how to make myself do anything.

Don't see how that's related to being miserable. They only started nagging me AFTER I had my first few mental breakdowns.

>>35691748

Do a borderline self test and report back.

>>35691832
>Don't see how that's related to being miserable. They only started nagging me AFTER I had my first few mental breakdowns.

Most likely they did things of the sort long before, and more subtle. You may never have noticed, but you probably felt the blows each time, and you thought it was your own fault.

Friend, your parents might be covert narcissists, and they may enjoy "nagging" subtly and less subtly.

It sounds like it, a lot.

>Constantly ask how I'm doing, what I'm doing, how my friends are doing, etc. They want to make sure I am following through on my responsibilities.

They want info and control, just like my own parents. They don't really care about who they ask about, they just want to know.

You're an adult, they have no business being inspectors of how you live your life, that's infantalising.

Friend, I think we found the core problem here. It may take some time to convince you, however.

Give me more examples.

Do I sound like I have generalized anxiety?

>feel like everyone is staring and laughing at me when I'm in public
>I think before I speak and conform to what people think I should be
>Everyone I meet with might see me differently because of that
>Have trouble talking to food servers and teachers/TAs
>Constantly worried about my body failing and that something is wrong.
>Concentration is shot, along with reading comprehension for the most part. I make too many mistakes and am not playing to my full potential
>Impatient as fuck
>Trouble sleeping

I've never had something as dramatic as a panic attack, but I feel nervous all the time. Am I on to something? I went to the psychology at my school a while back and he mentioned something like that but I never pursued it. Should I try self medding or go back to the psychologist/psychiatrist?

>>35692067
>Do I sound like I have generalized anxiety?

I think you may have complex PTSD due to abusive caregivers.

I'm almost completely certain you had a more painful childhood than you currently think. You are accustomed to pleasing others to ensure your own safety, as a child, and you can't stand making others hurt or upset, even if they're just a clerk.

You're most likely hyper-vigilant as well and very mindful of anything going on around you.

I'd virtually bet money that one of your parents or both were either borderliners or narcs.

>Should I try self medding or go back to the psychologist/psychiatrist?

Stick with me for now, but yes, you should. My guess is you'll find out you had an abusive past, if you don't already know (but aren't connecting the dots yet), and that's the source of it all.

Nick, did you read through your last archived thread?

>>35692322

Yes, albeit quickly.

>>35692322

In future, I'll keep them saved in my threadwatcher list, so I can go back to them more easily.

How long are the archives kept?

>>35692338
If you can guess what name I was using, I'll don it again and reveal some of my more intriguing issues.

>>35692026
>they have no business being inspectors
But they have good reason to, when they don't inspect I neglect everything in life and fail. I never do anything without someone forcing me to do it. Even then, I still shirk my responsibilities. I dropped out of college because I forced them to give me a lot of space and I am a failure on my own. The only reason I'm passing right now on my second try is because they're helping me this time. I have to eventually accept that I'm too weak to do anything on my own; I have tried and I have failed.

>>35692390
>If you can guess what name I was using,

I struggle remembering the names of people in a single thread, I am unable to guess or even remember any names used in the previous thread.

Do you have access to it? You can repost your posts, I'll reread with care.

>>35692411
>But they have good reason to, when they don't inspect I neglect everything in life and fail.

No, that's not a good reason, you are not a child. It's not even a reason, it's probably why you "fail". You shouldn't be doing these things for them, but for you. Having raised you to do things for them may have taken any and all motivation you could have had.

> I have to eventually accept that I'm too weak to do anything on my own; I have tried and I have failed.

I don't believe a damn word of this. Nor should you.

I think you're being infantilised and you're suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, with the added problem that you don't see your captors as potential enemies.

Best route for now: become independent.

Give me examples of things you "failed" and examples of how they "helped".

>>35692419
Reposting is unnecessary as I made only one psychologically informative post immediately after you departed. I am tempted to do more than that this time. My motivation for posting is still primarily attention and entertainment, but you were patient enough to answer the questions I put to you last time and I promised to reciprocate.

>>35692488
>Stockholm Syndrome
I don't really admire my parents, or even particularly like them.

>Become independent
That will take years. I would have to go to grad school if I wanted to get a job with the political science degree i'm working on, and I need their money to do that. I don't want to trade one problem (parents) for another (debt)

>examples of how you "failed" and how they "helped"
The first time I dropped out of college, it was because I stopped doing any major assignments. No papers, no speeches, nothing. I would avoid doing it for weeks or months, and then decide to just not do it at all. Now whenever I have something big due in a few weeks, I visit my parents and my dad brainstorms with me while I work on it. It's the only time I ever get anything done.

I had the same problem in highschool. In my junior year I tried to do it all on my own but I started failing my classes. Senior year they helped me a bit, although not as much as they do now, they only realized how bad the problem was when I dropped out

>>35692638

Metapsych. I recognise you.

>>35692649
>I don't really admire my parents, or even particularly like them.

You don't have. You still think they have a good reason to do what they do. SS people know their captors are criminals, but they side with them for survival.

>and I need their money to do that.

OK, fair enough, but learn to handle their ways. Inform yourself. Read about narcissistic parents and see if anything rings a bell.

>>35692649
>it was because I stopped doing any major assignments. No papers, no speeches, nothing. I would avoid doing it for weeks or months, and then decide to just not do it at all. Now whenever I have something big due in a few weeks, I visit my parents and my dad brainstorms with me while I work on it. It's the only time I ever get anything done.

Why did you not do your work?

Why do you rely on your parents for help?

How old are you? (Legit question, not rhetoric.)

>>35692705
I thought you would be able to. I'll begin with answering the question about my parents. Neither were narcs, but my mother was a paranoid schizophrenic.

>>35689780

I wrote out an entire blog to participate, but I feel a little better just from that exercise. Thanks OP for providing the venue to vent

>>35692796
>I thought you would be able to.

Mostly because you enjoy using sophisticated words in ways other anons wouldn't. This may be because you reflect on yourself in your choice of words.

Oddly, when I respond to you, I tend to adopt your way and start tapping into my reserve of rarer words.

I'm curious as to what a real paranoid schizophrenic person does from day to day.

>>35692808
>Thanks OP for providing the venue to vent

Very welcome.

Where's your blog?

Feel unmotivated for over three years.

>>35692796
Additionally, a diagnosis of mild to moderate OCD is likely to be warranted in my case but with some peculiar aspects I find rarely discussed in dedicated communities, such as extreme anger at being contaminated and thus having to perform a cleansing ritual and the "reasoning" behind my contamination avoidance.

>>35692743
>side with them for survival
Then yeah, maybe I have Stockholm Syndrome. Without them, I'd be out on the street, probably dead within a few months.
>read about narcissistic parents
Eh, I guess it sounds like my parents. Sounds more like their parents, though.

>>35692916

This lack of motivation is very common to many of you, I'm starting to think that "lack of motivation" is really just a way to make yourself responsible for things you aren't actually responsible for, such as depression.

Tell me more. There is more.

>>35692919

What's the reasoning?

How does that anger express itself?

Why do you fear contamination?

What's the ritual?

>>35692847
>curious what a real paranoid schizophrenic does all day
Blathers to their voices incessantly, laughs hysterically at their antics, engages in increasingly tortured theorizing about the conspiracies behind even trivial misfortunes. Oh, not to mention all the domestic violence and ear-piercing shrieking. 5/10 would not recommend.

>>35692775
I don't do my work for a lot of reasons.
I don't have any defined goals for my life.
I am cripplingly depressed.
I am a chronic procrastinator.
I am easily overwhelmed, etc.
>why do you rely on your parents for help?
It's more like they're the only people who have enough leverage to be effective at making me do anything. They would never admit it, but I am a parasite and that is the only reason I listen to them.

I am turning 21 soon.

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>>35692945
>Without them, I'd be out on the street, probably dead within a few months.

Stop thinking this way, it's not true. Infants will do the utmost to secure the love of their parents because their lives depend on it; you might feel exactly like this, especially if you don't feel sure you're loved unconditionally, which you probably don't feel, deep down. And you're probably right.

>Eh, I guess it sounds like my parents. Sounds more like their parents, though.

Ding ding ding. They may be lighter versions of their own parents, but if it sounds like them, anon, you found what you needed to find tonight.

Keep reading about this stuff, don't stop. And if it feels uncomfortable, don't stop. This is the truth that will set you free.

>>35693024

Holy shit, meta, that sounds terrifying. How did she raise you? How's that even possible?

>>35693059
>They would never admit it, but I am a parasite and that is the only reason I listen to them.

Friend, it's more likely that they want you to feel like a parasite. You aren't. You're not a parasite! You're a human being with a lot of potential, and you're very young.

You need to cut yourself off from them in every way possible. If you can't financially, fine, but please read about narcs, a lot, and spot it when they do anything narcy, to protect yourself.

I'm afraid you'll soon have to disown them mentally, and no longer see them as "parents".

I did this when I was 10, made a mental contract with myself that I was becoming my own parent, for survival. Do this.

You suffer from depression and the rest because it's a healthy reaction to have towards a situation that is toxic as fuck.

Don't see it any other way, because that's the truth. Time to rehabilitate yourself.

OK?

You are valuable, you have potential. You've also been sabotaged more than you know, but this can be healed.

>>35692991
Its manifestation has been highly unstable over the years, but the form it has assumed now is a not a fear of contagion or other illness inducing contaminants, but being contaminated with human matter. I cannot touch anything a certain family member has touch without sandwich bags on my hands. Second-hand contact, say touching something that had only touched something they had touched was for a long time also a problem but I have made progress in exposing myself to it and preventing myself from performing the ritual. I fear being contaminated with particles that have been a part of certain others. This doesn't apply to everyone or even most people, and definitely not to those I have a sexual interest in. In fact, a sexual perversion of mine may go a long way towards explaining this particular facet of my psyche. Continuing in new post

>>35693103
>stop thinking this way, it's not true
No, it literally is. I've gone through this before with therapists; "what would happen if you were really forced to be financially independent tomorrow?" I don't care about my own wellbeing enough to successfully fight against my nature on my own. I wouldn't get a job, I wouldn't find somewhere to live. I would just go homeless.

>you found what you needed to tonight
But this isn't new. I've talked about this stuff with therapists before. Even if it's all true, the damage is done. There's nothing to fix, I am who I am. Even if there was something to do, like I've said many times, I am too much of a failure to do anything about it

>>35693259

Did your parents tell you about those things when you were a kid and scared you with them?

What makes someone a person you want to avoid "particle contact" with?

>>35693131
Her violence was never directed towards me, only towards my father. I was lucky in that respect. I often wonder what I would be like had I not undergone such a strange childhood.

You left before I could reply yesterday
>>35671431
>Safe to say meds aren't solving anything for you.
They do help a little
Without meds I couldn't talk or sleep
>What are your symptoms?
Anxiety mostly
Paranoid and social anxiety
Very hard time with relationships
Typical depression symptoms
I think everyone wants to harm me

Paranoid schizophrenia, AvPD, BPD, depressions

>>35689780
A very interesting thread.
Good setup too.

I shouldn't even be posting but still I am.
Fuuck this is probably a good thread.
Sorry lol.

>>35693207
What is the definition of a parasite? An organism that feeds off of a host for survival without offering anything in return. Regardless of whether or not my parents are shitty, that definition holds true. I am literally a parasite.

Like I said, I can't cut them off. Every time I cut them off, I fail my courses and they have to bail me out. There's nothing to be done

>>35693300
>I would just go homeless.

Then you'd resort to whatever you can and you'd get back up on your own. You are not powerless as you have learned.

>There's nothing to fix, I am who I am.

There is, a whole lot. You aren't your disorders. And there is new: knowing your parents are probably narcs is a whole lot of news.

Friend, you were under some sort of psychological spell, but now you have the key to get out of it, so use it! Use it!

New rule: you no longer talk smack about yourself. I am dead fucking serious about this: you are no longer allowed to insult yourself or say anything negative using negative language. You can state facts, but no more judgement of yourself. Are we clear?

>>35693322

Still counts as abuse. There's no way your childhood was anything but massively abusive considering her disorder. This must have been terrifying to a child. The fuck...

Surely you must have some messed up memories.

>>35693309
No. Despite my rather unconventional childhood, I recall no truly traumatizing events.
Appearing disgusting, inferior, unintelligent, etc would likely be sufficient to make me avoid consuming them. I don't want to become infected with their body and allow them to occupy my own. I supposed I feel my personhood is being diminished and replaced with another.

>>35693334
>Paranoid schizophrenia, AvPD, BPD, depressions

How long in therapy?

>>35693424
>you'd resort to whatever you can
No, I actually wouldn't. There are times when the depression gets really bad where I've gone days without eating because I just didn't care enough to do anything about the hunger pains. The only reason I eventually ate is because it's easy enough to have food delivered with someone else's money; without that I would probably just starve.

>you can state facts but no more judgment or negative language
But the facts are negative. I'm not some self-deluding, naive, bleeding-heart pansy that believes "we're all valuable and special in our own little ways!"

Some of us are actual human garbage

>>35693594
2 years
I went through a lot of diagnoses, but I ended up with these

>>35692991
Failed to answer the rest. The ritual is just rinsing off whatever has accumulated on me, but for 3 sets of 10 seconds at least. I count backwards and after I've done that I feel relived that I can go back to my activities without the awful nagging in the back of my mind that I experience when I try to ignore it. The anger is my most conspicuous characteristic. It involves screaming profanity, sometimes just incoherent wailing, property damage, attempting to "punish" inanimate objects for coming into contact with me by destroying them, and on and on.

>>35693338

Thank you for the kind words.

Post away, no useless post.

>>35693367
>What is the definition of a parasite? An organism that feeds off of a host for survival without offering anything in return.

Anon, your parents are parasites: they feed off your misery because they enjoy it and they offer nothing in return. You're being fed off. They are the parasites to your mind. You're a resource to them, like food.

So no, you're not a parasite but they want you to feel like one, hence the nagging and constant control attempts.

>There's nothing to be done

If you think I'm going to take that to the bank, you're wrong. There's a shitload to be done and you are going to do it.

Because if you don't, you will slowly die and one day realise you haven't lived.

Is there any way for you to start therapy with your own money and without your parents knowing?

>>35693513
>Appearing disgusting, inferior, unintelligent, etc would likely be sufficient to make me avoid consuming them. I don't want to become infected with their body and allow them to occupy my own. I supposed I feel my personhood is being diminished and replaced with another.

This makes me think of unclear boundaries of you as a person. Something you may have learned from a disordered mother: you don't know where you end and where she begins, so any parts of other people are a threat to your identity. Maybe I'm just pulling rabbits out of my ass but that was my first thought.

Traumatising events need not be remembered as such. My aunt zipped up my penis when I was around 5, and it was an "accident" and I recalled it as such for decades, but I no longer believe it was.

Tell me more, I'm sure there's very strange stuff in your past.

I can't fathom how a mother like yours can take care of a baby, explain.

I thought I had escaped my depression, but something doesn't seem right. Something feels off about the world, everything else feels dull and lifeless instead of me. My perception of time is radically fucked (I time travel forwards and back days at a time) and I can't make sense of my surroundings and what's happening in the world. All of my favourite websites have stopped posting new content too, except for this one. It's like the fabric of reality is caving in. Am I in limbo? Hell? Completely insane?

>>35693751
>start therapy
No way. I just QUIT therapy. I've been doing that shit for about a decade now. Been on over a dozen different meds, seen 5 different therapists, probably a dozen different counselors, and been hospitalized twice. I'm tired of it, has never done me any good

>>35693628
>But the facts are negative. I'm not some self-deluding, naive, bleeding-heart pansy that believes "we're all valuable and special in our own little ways!"


You have your things reversed. Yes, we are all valuable, in fact, in our own ways, too. Yes. It's true. It's interesting because you take the tough guy stance but the "pussy" plan of action, to use your own words.

If you were right, why do you remain something you think little of? If it was in your power and your responsibility alone, you wouldn't, it's pure logic.

So you must admit that there's more to it.

You cling on thinking yourself human garbage, perhaps as an attempt to make sure you don't have to try. Maybe you feel threatened by the fact that I believe in you. Be afraid, be very afraid, because I do, and I'm not making shit up.

Too much work, TOO MUCH WORK, no gf, nothing I find fun, no life, nothing to live for. Another day another dollar TOOP MUUUCHHH WOOORRRKKK O_PPPPPPPP

Hello everybody, I'm 15 if that even matters. My mom died when i was 8 i think. After a year, my dad met girl that has a kid. We moved in and stuff, got a dog. Basically, she beat her kid every day because he wasn't really the brightest. Every time he would get a bad grade, she would beat him on the floor and stuff. At first, i couldn't stand the yelling and hitting and screaming. But after two years, i started to get this nice feeling when she would beat him. In my head i kept thinking how it would be great if the splattered his fucking head against the floor. People tell me that I'm very irritable. The smallest things make me curse and i lose control and just start punching my bed. Later i started hitting myself when I'm angry. I'm not angry anymore, just sad and want to die. I stopped caring school. The only thing i keep thinking about is suicide.

>>35693637

Was a cause found?

tfw >no gf
my only problem but one that absolutely ruins my life. why even live with >tfw no gf
not even vidya will save me

>>35693681
>It involves screaming profanity, sometimes just incoherent wailing, property damage, attempting to "punish" inanimate objects for coming into contact with me by destroying them, and on and on.

Damn, that's heavy.

Incoherent wailing, as in Tourette's sort of way? How is it incoherent?

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>>35691982
Just took the 4degreez test. Got pic related.

>>35693839
For the first few years of my life, she was perfectly sane. Her schizophrenia was very late onset. I have a father and a sibling as well. I'm experiencing trepidation at the thought that someone could reconstruct my identity from the bits of it I've divulged. I've inherited a small measure of her paranoia.

>>35693868

Some of this stuff is strange. Explain the time travelling part.

>>35693912
I absolutely take the pussy plan of action.

>why do you remain something you think little of?
Because I am weak. Nothing more, nothing less. A real man wouldn't act as I do, thus I am not a real man. It isn't illogical. I am too pathetic to keep trying. I gave it my all (which admittedly was a disappointing limit) and it wasn't enough.

>>35693905

OK, definitely don't do meds because they're not the solution but may be a problem.

In all this, what were the causes said to be? Any diagnostic?

>>35693937
>she beat her kid every day because he wasn't really the brightest.

Maybe he wasn't the brightest because she beat him every day.

> i started to get this nice feeling when she would beat him.

Damn...

This is heavy stuff. Read about Borderline Personality Disorder and see if it fits your stepmother (if that's what she was) and yourself.

>>35693948

If you think a woman will make your life complete, you're in for a disappointment but you may also have BPD.

>>35693980
It only happens if, say, I perform the ritual, accidentally touch something else, go back to rinse, and accidentally do it again, etc. It takes a succession of such events to bring that out, or just one major event, like touching something with a difficult to rinse part of my body. The wailing is just a prolonged vowel sound executed at high volume or a garbled declaration of my hatred of existence. I also pull my hair and scratch/punch at myself when in the throes of an outburst.

I think my 2 biggest problems in my life are currently my inability to enjoy anything, and my fear of becoming some sort of homeless deadbeat loser that his a dead end in life.

>>35693988

That test gives weird results sometimes, so don't exclude anything because of it.

Do other tests on the ones you scored high with, and another BPD test, but this time take tests that deal with a single thing at a time, just to see.

Results may vary, but think about the questions.

Look up schizoid, obviously, and report back.

>>35694026
I have had several diagnoses from different people and organizations. The two universal ones are Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. When I was in a fairly well-known mental hospital, I was under 24/7 monitoring and my team came to the conclusion after 1.5 months that I had those two diseases and also an "unspecified personality disorder with elements of schizoid and avoidant" (I had traits of both but not enough to fit a DSM diagnosis) They suspected asperger's but testing indicated that I am not on the spectrum

>>35693993
>I'm experiencing trepidation at the thought that someone could reconstruct my identity from the bits of it I've divulged. I've inherited a small measure of her paranoia.

What is there to fear? Tell me.

I can sort of eschew outlines of models I've learned about, Meta, but there is no way I can ever fathom the complexity of anyone's life, especially without the person's input, so don't worry.

I need to understand so that I can help you. There's nothing else in it for me. Gaining experience in talking about those things is the only thing you could consider my interest in a more practical way, but even this is done so I can help even more.

>>35694017

Anon, these are your parents' words, not yours.

We need to get you out of that mindset, but I'm not sure how, because you seem pretty convinced.

Lord Xenu does't real, trust me. It's the same with what you believe about yourself. Anon, don't let them win by killing your soul this way.

You are worth so much more.

Think of a few things that can be projects for you. Things you can do alone. Anything.

So here it goes. Poor as fuck but I got in college. Passed all my exams first semester but I dunno what I'll do this one, some of my exams are fucked up. Trying to find a job in this city but all of them are already taken, eating ramen almost daily but I kinda got used to it. Birthday coming up but I'm too stressed out to enjoy shit

>>35694124
>The wailing is just a prolonged vowel sound executed at high volume or a garbled declaration of my hatred of existence

I'm trying to picture such a well-spoken person as you suddenly erupting into a vowel-screaming shriek of hatred.

You punch yourself. I've seen a close one do that, for days, hundreds of times, while trying to stop that person. Painful memories.

It looks like BPD clearly.

Forgive me if I've already asked: are you in therapy right now? Have you been before? How did that go and what do you think?

>>35694127

Both problems most likely come from the real problem, which is yet to discover. Once you get a good diagnosis, you still have to find the source of it.

Don't give up hope.

>>35694156

They sound like shit, sorry to say.

Look up complex PTSD and report back.

>>35694254
>your parents words
Not even close. My parents are the "do whatever makes you happy, you will always succeed at anything if you put your mind to it" kind of people. Makes me sick.
>think of a few things that can be projects for you. Things you can do alone.
Kinda hard when I don't care about anything or even enjoy things. I tried the whole "just pick something and do it" thing countless times and it never got anywhere because I can't artificially create passion.

>>35694303

Buy basic ingredients, in can, even, and learn to cook basic meals. You can do shitloads with basic ingredients, spices, etc.

It's not expensive to eat well, and it will make you feel better and more like an adult than if you can't.

It'll make you feel good about yourself, as you cook, as you eat, and afterwards as well.

>>35694191
>so that I can help you
I'm relating my afflictions not in expectation of receiving aid, but purely to entertain the both of us and give you a chance to hone your skills. If I really wanted help, I would not come to /r9k/. As it happens, I have a reasonably clear view of the steps it would take to lift me out of my predicament. Even the most difficult aspects, the preoccupation with superiority/ inferiority and extreme rage are not beyond my ability to combat them, at least intellectually. But actually taking the steps is impeded at every turn by my akrasia.

>>35694368
>"do whatever makes you happy, you will always succeed at anything if you put your mind to it" kind of people. Makes me sick.

My parents SAID the same, anon. The fact that it makes you sick is the CLUE. That's where the truth is. They say things that make you sick, period. It may be how they say it rather than the very words, but they make you sick.

It makes you sick because there's something not right in their ways.

As to the projects, I'll rephrase: name a few things you enjoy, or used to enjoy.

>>35694322
I've never had any therapy or psychological evaluations of any kind. I believe I would resent the assistance and view everything in my life that resulted from it as not my achievement, but as the achievement of the person who helped me. I would be completely effaced.

>>35694426
>I'm relating my afflictions not in expectation of receiving aid, but purely to entertain the both of us and give you a chance to hone your skills.

Whether you expect it or not, I'll do my best to help.

>akrasia

New word to me (keep in mind English is my second language, though I know more words in it than in my first at this point).

I don't think it's about weak will; I think you have a strong will and choose consciously not to try, but prefer, to protect your ego, to think that you suffer from akrasia.

Some of the changes you may have to do might cause you to question important core beliefs you hold currently.

Let go of your fear, Meta. Don't be scared to be seen, understood, you have so much more to gain than to lose by doing that. You'll feel safer.

Why is it frightening to be seen inside?

>>35694364
Funny, back when I used to vent on Reddit someone basicay said the same thing: "they sound dumb, check out C-PTSD"
The disease sounds like something I could have. Considering that my upbringing was pretty normal, that means I must have an inherent weakness to emotional pain that would cause C-PTSD
>>35694454
Yeah, there's some truth to that.
>things you enjoy, or used to enjoy
That's a problem. I don't enjoy anything. I've always used videogames as a coping mechanism because to distract me from being miserable, but I don't actually "enjoy" them; it's much closer to an addiction. I don't do anything "for fun".

>>35694543
>I believe I would resent the assistance and view everything in my life that resulted from it as not my achievement, but as the achievement of the person who helped me. I would be completely effaced.

Very interesting. If you had a car, and it broke down, would you be upset that you can't fix it yourself and that someone else did, or would you be concerned about having a car that works?

Same thing with your mind. This is not a place to put your ego in. You aren't a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, it isn't your job, and even if you were, you'd still need another person. Psychologists also go to therapy, they can't do it on their own. The prerequisite is being another person, so don't worry about that.

Moreover, if you go to a therapist, YOU are doing the hardest part, since it's all about you, all the time. It takes balls of steel to do that, especially when you're scared of people and trusting them. I've been there. I found that being honest is the best policy.

"I come to you with very little hope and not much trust," were my first words to my current therapist.

Anon, you really, really need professional help, far beyond what I can offer.

Please tell me you'll consider seeking professional help.

>>35694598
>Considering that my upbringing was pretty normal,

Fuck that noise, it SEEMED normal to you, but trust me here, it wasn't. It was not.

>that means I must have an inherent weakness to emotional pain that would cause C-PTSD

At this point, I don't think you believe your own words. You aren't weaker than anyone, you've been through traumatic years nonstop.

>I don't enjoy anything.

Everything you say sounds like CPTSD hardcore. You've been robbed of your own will, anon. Understand this, please.

You probably have a hard time knowing what you WANT from life, and that's from CPTSD too. I was the same. All I want in life is basically feeling safe and OK enough so I can be where normal people begin, I realise.

I realised my heaven was normal people's basic level 1, feeling normal.

>>35694767
>you aren't weaker
Hear me out. Two men live through the same traumatic experience. One develops PTSD. The other does not. There is clearly a difference, one was able to handle the psychic pain, the other was not; thus, at least in this instance,one,man was weaker than the other.

>You probably have a hard time knowing what you WANT from life
I'm fairly certain I just don't want anything...

>>35694886
>There is clearly a difference, one was able to handle the psychic pain, the other was not;

Wrong, if a tard and you go to death camps, the tard will likely fare better than you, not because he's stronger, but because he's tarder.

If a rock and you go to a death camp, the rock will be OK.

If a rock and a glass sculpture go to death camps, the glass will break more easily.

You weren't weaker, anon. You seriously need to stop shitting on yourself. Understand why you do it. Probably to make sure you don't have to live up to your true potential, but I won't let you.

We'll start by you choosing a more positive name.

Read about CPTSD, it's very likely what you have, also narc parents. Do the reading.

>>35694351
I actually took a full psychological evaluation years ago, and they diagnosed my with schizoid PD, depression, dysthymia, and having narcissistic tendencies.

>>35694545
>>35694625
Before I can continue, I have to say that I find something in the tone of these responses dumbfounding in a way that prevents me from knowing how to respond. I find difficulty in expressing myself when someone begins to evince a care about my well-being, even if its just part of the role they're playing. I don't understand how to deal with it.

>>35694964

OK, sounds likely. Now we need to find the causes.

Any clues?

>>35694077
Read about BPD, pretty much sums my life up. Broken up and gotten back with same girl because interchanging feeling of love and annoyance. Dissociation,i sometimes feel like people are looking through me and as if nothing exists, like my body is an RC car and I'm controlling it. Whole class calling me mentally unwell except one guy, he's nice to me. What a wonderful world. Also sorry for bothering you

>>35694960
Fine, no Trash McGarbage.

>Read about CPTSD
I have. It's one of those disorders that is treated with "a positive therapeutic relationship" or whatever, and those have never worked for me. I can't develop positive relationships because I don't like other people or feel anything positive through interacting with them. I don't enjoy their company and I can't make a sincere connection, as I said here >>35691055

>>35695007
>I have to say that I find something in the tone of these responses dumbfounding in a way that prevents me from knowing how to respond.

I feel the same right now. It's like something I'd never think to say or feel. I hope it's a good thing on your side. I like the fact that this is all new to me, very unusual.

> I find difficulty in expressing myself when someone begins to evince a care about my well-being,

You're probably not used to it and probably think I'm not being fully honest. I'm not playing a role, I really am like that.

>I don't understand how to deal with it.

Likewise, I have no idea how to respond to that! But it's all right. It's kind of funny.

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>>35695074

You don't bother me at all, I'm here for you.

You should get this book: Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies.

I know it takes a toll on the ego to get such a book, but it's really good and covers a lot of ground, and it's designed both for people with BPD and those who live with them, so you'd get both perspectives. I've only just started it myself, but of all the intro books on the subject, it's the best according to experts.

Go for it!

>>35695149
>"a positive therapeutic relationship" or whatever, and those have never worked for me.

Maybe you never had one.

But OK, I won't force the point for now. I can only hope you have a positive impression of the interaction between you and me.

I'm no professional, but I'm free and available virtually every day, unlike professionals.

Since I probably have CPTSD too, we might work on it together.

Your objectives now are:

1. read more about narc parents
2. read more about CPTSD

And you would most likely benefit from watching Richard Grannon to some degree. Just go pick whatever video seems to interest you. Especially the ones about being a doormat or a people-pleaser and such, even though that may hurt the ego for a bit.

>>35695182
>I hope it's a good thing on your side
I can't say for sure. It seems to be interfering with my capacity for organizing my thoughts properly. I'll ask a question: Do you ever feel as though you've irrevocably diminished your worth by the words you speak, your actions and mistakes? Or revealed yourself to be something negative, eclipsing your prior positive self-conception?

>>35695344
>Maybe you never had one.
Sure but that's because I am incapable of positive relationships in general. Never had one.

I'll consider reading more. It's more likely that I'll just forget about it

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Nick, I'm aware that you'll probably be leaving soon so I just wanted to thank you for the stimulating interaction before you do and save my other responses for another time.

>>35695461
>I'll ask a question: Do you ever feel as though you've irrevocably diminished your worth by the words you speak, your actions and mistakes?

No. If I did this, I would imagine I either made a false self that isn't worth much to begin with, or that I judge myself harshly based on things that don't matter much.

>Or revealed yourself to be something negative, eclipsing your prior positive self-conception?

Neither, because I fully accept my limitations. In fact, errors of mine speak very well about who I am, and it's not a bad thing. You're a person, not a myth. You have shortcomings, everyone has. It doesn't diminish you.

What matters is how you react with regards to these shortcomings. I have respect for people who handle this well, that makes them great.

People like my parents cannot handle any shortcomings, so they blame others, and that is a despicable reaction. So it's not the shortcomings themselves, it's how you react.

I like you a lot, you have nothing to fear. Your past was intense and the odds you faced were insane. I take it to heart to do everything I can for you.

>>35695529
>Sure but that's because I am incapable of positive relationships in general. Never had one.

We're doing fine so far. I have no problems speaking with you.

>I'll consider reading more. It's more likely that I'll just forget about it

You're very negative. Highlight stuff and/or take notes so you don't forget, then.

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>>35695637

Thank you! I must go soon indeed. I work early tomorrow.

I'm gonna go now, actually.

Take care y'all!

See you soon, I hope.

>>35695722
>We're doing fine so far
But I don't really care about you, even in an acquaintance kind of way. I have had hundreds of conversations like this one; they mean nothing to me. I have forgotten 95% of them. I don't have any attachment at all to anybody, including real people I have known for years.
>highlight
I meant I would forget to read it in the first place. Or I'll just be too lazy

Does anybody else here have DID?

>>35689780
Call me: Ogre
When I was like 6-8, I started to talk about sex A LOT and said things and did things that definitely remind me of rape and heavy sexual molestation when I think about it today. I also started to cry a lot around this time and couldn't handle stress at all. Now I'm afraid of physical contact and have severe trust issues and tend to be paranoid. I'm grossed out by sex, but have sexual desires. I'm making a complete fool of myself every time I meet people, especially women and groups because I want there attention and can't really communicate with them on a different level. My question is: How high are the chances that I was molested as a kid. For me, things at up for this when I think about it, but I can't remember anything related to it. And what else can possibly be the cause of my problems?
Sorry for bad english, not a native speaker and it's late where I live.