#5 Psychological Issues

>>35567230
I can't ever focus on my homework. I can't have normal conversations with people I always manage to fuck up the convo. I use to be the cool guy in hs now I feel neutered in college.

I've been to a psychiatrisch a few times because I was so suicidal I was worried I'd actually do something, I didn't trust myself that much anymore. (I wan't to live, not die)

But he keeps saying there is basicly nothing wrong with me. Although I have some social issues from isolating myself so much.

It really hurts. I wish he would just label me and I could accept that as an excuse for why I am such a fucking failure. But no it all bounces back to me, I'm a weak faggot and sadly self aware enough to notice it and hate myself for it.

Nothing I do seems to satisfy me.

>>35567283

Did anything happen?

orginreoignerw

>>35567325
>because I was so suicidal
> is basicly nothing wrong with me.

Unless your psychiatrist is an idiot, he should know that being suicidal is already something being wrong with you.

As to the rest of your post, you certainly have something, so don't feel guilty or bad. If you had nothing, you'd feel fine. It's that simple.

List more symptoms, at least everything you recognise as such.

>>35567333
>In line for fires at lunch
>yo bro is that a knicks drose Jersey
>Yeah
>oh that's cool bro
>yeah
I could of said Yeah he's my favorite player besides westbrook. Or that I bought it in new York or atleast said something
>see a girl that seems to look at me often
>tfw I know that look
>shes interested in me
>one day waitinf for meeting with Prof
>she shows up
>hey anon what times your meeting?
>Uh I'm not sure maybe in a few minutes
>ignore her
>my turn
>turns out I was supposed to go after her
Wtf
There's more

>>35567457

OK, you're socially akward, but now we need to find out how exactly. Are you intensely anxious when interacting socially?

>>35567376
Yeahh apprently I come across as a very happy person so whenever I talk about feeling bad they don't percieve it the way I do. I also have a hard time talking about my issues, so that doesn't help.


Symptoms that fucks with my psych are that I don't really trust anyone. Almost everyone I talk to I percieve their thoughts upon me as very negative. I always feel like people are annoyed by me or that I did something wrong without knowing what.
I absolutely despise myself and whenever I leave the house I feel like Gollum.

I can't really put any effort into anything. And I have extreme anxiety issues for many things.

Also got some schizo symptoms but these are only drug induced.

Anyways I'm pretty aware of my issues too a large extend. I know how to fix them and tackle them for the most part. But I seem to not have the strenght to actually do it on a consistent basis. Or I am impatient.

It seems like certain things are just embedded in my subconscious.

I know I'm a little bitch, I know I have too much self pity. but for some reason I can't make a switch and get into a posatif mentel attituder

>>35567488
Sometimes, I just don't know what to say. I feel the need to prove myself in the convo as a funny person

>>35567702
>I know I'm a little bitch, I know I have too much self pity.

No, and that's part of the problem. You're used to having very harsh words and thoughts about yourself. You think it's all your fault and that you know how to solve things and only don't because you're [any other derogatory term].

You need to stop thinking this way because, for one, it's untrue, and secondly, it won't help.

Psychological issues don't come from nowhere.

Describe your parents.

>>35567736

You don't imagine being worthy of others' attention for just being you.

Describe your parents.

>>35567788
Uh well recently they have been really annoying. My dad is a horder. Has about 150 pairs of shoes. Its pretty organized tho. I want to move out but there's not much reason to, we live like 15 mins away from my college. They both work hard. They're pretty strict at times. Idk

>>35567788
Also I've always been the funny weird guy, feels like I lost my identity

>>35567882

Let's keep digging in there.

Do you feel like they know who you are? As a person, inside, without thinking of things you do or don't do.

Do you like them as people?

Do they have many long-lasting friendships?

Define "pretty strict".

I have diagnised psychosis, severe depression and anxiety. I have had less voices lately because of meds but I feel like they were psychic entities speaking to me through my own psychic powers and the anti-psychotics are just inhibiting my abilities. How do I convince myself to stay on my meds? And how do I stop being suicidal every damn day? I hate myself, I'm an ugly, lazy, stupid, annoying, worthless, good for nothing loser.

>>35568003
>I hate myself, I'm an ugly, lazy, stupid, annoying, worthless, good for nothing loser.

Start with actually understanding you have a mental illness, which isn't your fault, and that you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Relax, don't hate yourself.

If you think about it, you can probably prove to yourself the entites that speak to you aren't real. Just consider what they say and if it makes any sense.

>>35568073
It's hard not to hate myself when it makes sense to, and it's hard not to believe the voices when most of what they do is put me down and say these things to me.
How can I ever be normal, Nick?

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>>35567770

My dad was never there obviously. And my mom I don't know.. I don't feel comfy writing up on it.

I've gone trough these things though. I know where my issues spawn from. But like I said I feel like they are embedded in my dna by now. Or at least it will take a lot of effort to get it out.

Right now the issue is that I have nothing. No friends, no money, no education no skills no talent no qualities, no self esteem.

I turned 21 this year and right now I am on my own. what happened in the past or who or what is to blame doesn't matter. It is not going to change anything. Real thug life type shit but I am working on chancing it as far as I can. It just doesn't happen fast and everyday is suffering. I don't even see results.

Like I've been going to the gym for a year straight every day now. I lost weight, had gainz but I only see myself as uglier in the mirror. Even though every time I go out I don't even have to buy drinks cause girls will do it for me.


Its almost as if I feel like I HAVE to hate myself or else I am being a bad person. And at the same time I am overly emphatic for other people and can't hate anyone because I am unable to judge anyone.

I just want to be happy thats all. The only time I was happy was when I was about 3 years old and last year binging on drugs every day. But I can't keep that lifestyle up. Althoguh it was nice to have friends for a while.

>>35568183
>How can I ever be normal, Nick?

Just to be sure: are we talking actual voices that you hear the same way you'd hear a real voice? Or are we talking "intrusive thoughts" that you call voices because they don't seem to be under your control?

>>35567982
Uh I think they know who I am.
I like them as people I believe.
My mom has long last friendships, I don't think my dad does.
As a teen my parents wouldn't let me sleep over at peoples houses cause they were afraid that the other kids parents would rape me. At 17 my curfew was 9 pm

>>35568191
>My dad was never there obviously. And my mom I don't know.. I don't feel comfy writing up on it.

Ding ding ding.

>I've gone trough these things though. I know where my issues spawn from. But like I said I feel like they are embedded in my dna by now.

They're not, but you clearly haven't finished dealing with it because you're umcomfortable writing about your mother, so that's exactly what you should do now.

> what happened in the past or who or what is to blame doesn't matter.

What happened in the past gave your brain the blueprint for the future, and unless you understand everything fully and handle it, you will have a more difficult life than otherwise.

Working out is great but you need to work on your mind too. It can only help.

Describe your mother, disregard discomfort.

>>35568217
Both of those, usually intrusive thoughts since starting anti-psychotics but also real voices that I hear

>>35568228
>As a teen my parents wouldn't let me sleep over at peoples houses cause they were afraid that the other kids parents would rape me.

Very scary, especially because this may be projection.

Friend, it's now time to stop thinking of your parents as normal. From the few things you mentioned, they're not.

Any other odd things?

(And get names, so I know who's who, please, people!)

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>>35568260
Oh no I can write up on it perfectly fine. It is just..

>>35568315

Do the meds work?

>>35568350
They work sort of well but the depression meds don't work at all yet

>>35568321
I think they're just over protective, seen too many of those 60 mins shows on tv. They wouldn't let us leave the block when were under 12 because they're afraid of us getting stolen.

>>35567230
Social anxiety.

Alcoholic.

>>35568348
>Oh no I can write up on it perfectly fine.

Then go ahead.

>>35568373

Having to be in bed at 9 when you're 17, that's another story. Your dad not having friends, how do you explain that?

Is your dad "weird" and says stuff that's just not right to people? Does he make sexual inuendos that are not appropriate at all? Does he have a lame sense of humor?

Posting this.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent

My own parents are absolute narcissists, and even they don't fit everything there. This list may help all of you see more clearly into your past. It doesn't have to be much, and it must be taken in context. You'll know if something is off or just normal.

>>35568386
Can't post it here though.

And it would make me feel sad for no productive reasons. I could write my whole life story to you and you'd obviously see why I am who I am mostly, I think.

I think the best thing for me to do is to save up money and remove myself from my toxic environment whilst trying to learn to settle with the past.

>>35567230
>depression
>anxiety
>derelaization

pretty sure i've had an anxiety disorder since i was a child. is it normal to be so anxious for so long that it becomes the norm and you don't "feel" anxious but you give off an anxious vibe to others?

>>35568368
>>35568350
You there man? I want to kill myself more every day

>>35568417
Uh no, it's just that he works a lot and comes home afterwards. He's from Mexico so a lot of immigrants don't make a lot of friends once coming to america.
He doesn't have a lame sense of humor.

>>35568519

[email protected]

You can write it there. Anon, it's obvious your issues are not resolved. Whatever you do next, you need resolution. It will help you, potentially save your life.

>>35568520

I have exactly this as well, and had it for years and years, until some happier times came along.

Anon, I'm sorry to have to say this but such high levels of anxiety don't come out of nowhere, even though you may not be able to connect the dots yet. I couldn't connect shit for decades, I had no idea.

You got used to living in those conditions, but other people don't, and they see you're basically in alert mode constantly.

As every time, look at your childhood and your parents or caregivers. Describe all of that. And get yourself a name.

Everyone, I'm really mixing up everybody if you don't get a name to your posts. Halp.

>>35568547

Don't kill yourself. Get a name for here, and then remind me whether you're seeing any experts for your condition.

>>35568559

Let's see into neglect. Were you given love as a child? Did they frequently hold you and play with you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDGNdQ_DXRY

>>35568762

What the fuck is this shit and what's the connection to anything? I can't stand cringe, sorry.

>>35568814
wrong thread

regardless though, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean you have to hate on it

>>35568847
>you don't understand it

Please explain. I only watched a few bits here and there and I thought it was cringe. I didn't watch long enough to judge.

Excuse me for my anger.

>>35568889

Just nice music, good lyrics, ect.
Yeah it sounds shit at first perhaps. But it's aquired taste. Also might be a generation gap for u to understand.

Like if u look at Bladee, his shit basicly sounds terrible. But his lyrics cut so deep you can not do anything else than relate and feel his music.

Great stuff.

>>35568889
also it is cringy af tho ur right on that

>>35568950
>>35568972

All right. I think I get it.

>>35568668
Yes I was played with often. I got spanked a lot. My parent admit to that

Asking in case anyone knows: is there a board appropriate for people who experienced personality disordered people?

Narcs, borderlines, etc. I've read enough Reddit threads for a lifetime.

>inb4 ree normie
>I'll read whatever info I can get, wherever it is

>>35569121

Was it fair? Were you a very naughty boy?

>>35567230
I hate the Keep Calm and X meme
It was never good and now it's too prevalent in society
I want it to go away

Also I'm frustrated by having a shit job and by not taking the initiative to apply for anything better. I have several projects I need to complete and I constantly procrastinate. I take my frustrations out on my gf who does do annoying lazy things and drinks too much but she's the nicest person I've ever met and loves me and I love her. Sometimes other girls flirt with me and while I tell them I'm seeing someone, I fantasize about fucking them which makes me feel bad because I don't want to c*ck my gf, but she's constantly hard on herself about her looks and weight (really not bad at all) which makes me start to think I can do better which is bullshit grass is greener nonsense amd just my dick talking. I'm sad and scared and I'm constantly thinking about movies and escapism to quell my insecurities and fears but I can still recognize this as procrastination. I'm hungry.

Great thread, OP. Allahu akbar.

>Congruence is also called genuineness. Congruence is the most important attribute in counseling, according to Rogers. This means that, unlike the psychodynamic therapist who generally maintains a 'blank screen' and reveals little of their own personality in therapy, the Rogerian is keen to allow the client to experience them as they really are.

>The therapist does not have a facade (like psychoanalysis), that is, the therapist's internal and external experiences are one in the same. In short, the therapist is authentic.

I recommend psychologists who follow Rogers' school of thought. That's what mine does and it's very helpful to see human reactions in your therapist. Telling someone about horrible stuff and seeing zero reactions in your therapist would be horribly invalidating.

"Yeah, my parents bathed me with their excrements."

If you tell someone this and they don't react, run.

Can't seem to focus or concentrate on anything school related. I'm anxious all the time, worry about everything very low-self esteem. Unmotivated, can't take pleasure in anything.

>>35569223
>I hate the Keep Calm and X meme

By now, I don't even use it as a meme, I'm literal and forgot about the meme.

>>35569223

Very insightful comment on yourself.

>>35569267

When did this start? Also get a name.

exhibit symptoms of psychosis handsome personality disorders or maybe autism... don't know what to do.

>>35569160
No at times they weren't.

>>35569297
and some*

ginalori

>>35569306

Red flag. You probably remember things in a very normalised way and make small of it (I did this too, which is now hard to believe).

Think about it: would you hit your child for unfair reasons? Probably not. Why would an adult do this? Because they can, because they get something from it. Some people can really enjoy inflicting pain on a powerless being, as sick as it sounds.

This mode of thinking and behaving most likely transpired with words too, for much longer.

Try to find memories where you felt bad. Then try to see what they said, and if there's a mismatch; often, they'll say things that make you think it's a compliment or encouragement, but really turns out to be shit wrapped nicely.

>>35569292
It all started when I was 10

>get bad grades in elementary school
>dad says i'm useless and retarded
>try to get into sports
>dad says i'm too soft
>get good grades in middle school
>get rejected by other students
>get bad grades again
>get called retarded again
>don't want to touch a textbook ever again

How do i overcome my massive fear of girls and everything related to dating, love and sex?

>>35569382

Welp, that didn't take long. Your father's behaviour is abnormal and abusive, and no child can grow a self-esteem in such a context. Make sure to be aware of this.

For a lot of people in this thread, symptoms of C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) match your condition: general anxiety, anhedonia, no fun in anything, inability to plan ahead, have dreams etc.

Complex PTSD differs from normal PTSD in that regular PTSD is usually about specific events (near-drowning, assault, war, etc.) while complex PTSD is being in constant fear, without it being related to something specific, such as in a childhood ruled by dysfunctional parents.

It is time for you now to consult a list of all types of child abuse and see if you recognise some patterns.

>>35569297
>handsome personality disorders

Sorry, I laughed.

For each disorder, tell the symptoms.

>>35569418
>How do i overcome my massive fear of girls and everything related to dating, love and sex?

You find out why you're scared. Probably not enough validation when you grew up.

As every time: describe your parents.

>>35569515
>As every time: describe your parents.
That should be pretty easy - classic strong mother and distant father. Besides all my experiences with women is bad (abandonment or conflicts) in early age.

I always feel inadequate and not good enough, even though I try my best and usually succeed at my goals. I put in a lot of effort and yet I feel like every second not spent studying or working is wasted. I fear that if I ever fail, my whole life will fall apart. I'm too emotional with people with whom I am close with, and too distanced with others.I constantly feel like I'm a burden for my parents and I hate asking them for support of any kind.

Signs in adulthood

>Adults emotionally abused as children are more likely to experience mental health problems and difficulties in personal relationships. Many of the harms of physical and sexual abuse are related to the emotional abuse that accompanies them, and as a result many emotionally abused adults exhibit a range of complex psychological and psychosocial problems associated with multiple forms of trauma in childhood (Glaser 2002).

>Significant early relationships in childhood shape our response to new social situations in adulthood. Adults with emotionally abusive parents are at a disadvantage as they try to form personal, professional and romantic relationships, since they may easily misinterpret other people's behaviours and social cues, or misapply the rules that governed their abusive relationship with their parent to everyday social situations (Berenson and Anderson 2006).

http://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/General-Information/Types-of-child-abuse

>>35569559
>strong mother

Whenever I hear "strong woman", I don't think good things. Can you elaborate on what you mean by that?

>>35569469
I wouldn't go as for to say I got abused as a child, my father rarely put a hand on me. He was hard on me verbally but I wouldn't classify this as PTSD unless I'm missing something, sorry if my greentexts are shit. I wouldn't describe my dad as abusive, he was severe but wasn't that way all the time. He would burst when you least expect it. I wouldn't call him abusive. But yeah my anxiety started as a child (10-13). My brothers were hard on me aswell during that timeframe. Only my mom was alright.

>>35569582
>Can you elaborate on what you mean by that?
I mean she's more commanding than father. She used (and still uses) victim mode whenever suited.

>>35569570
>I fear that if I ever fail, my whole life will fall apart

Intuitive response: you grew up valued on what you did and not what you were as a little person. As a child, surviving means being liked/loved by your parent, not securing this approval from your caregivers might feel like incoming death. Maybe this rings a bell to you.

>I'm too emotional with people with whom I am close with, and too distanced with others.

Close people will feel like "your parents" and trigger all sorts of alarms. Other people are thought to be best kept at bay because they could be danger. Your kid brain learned that big humans were trouble.

>I constantly feel like I'm a burden for my parents and I hate asking them for support of any kind.

In other words, they make you feel like a burden and whenever they help, they make you pay for it emotionally, and this may be subtle, or not subtle.

All the signs are here.

Consult the links about narcissisti parents and the types of abuse, both of which are posted ITT.

>>35569629
>I wouldn't go as for to say I got abused as a child, my father rarely put a hand on me.

The saddest thing you could say. My parents did both but the one type of abuse that hurt me the most was the psychological abuse. It hurts more, because it's less obvious. If your father forces you to suck his dick, some day you'll know that was wrong and why it was done; if your father berates you unfairly and sabotage you, you may never realise he did it for his own pleasure and was a narc piece of shit. And in the meantime, you'll blame yourself, as you have learned.

Telling your own son he's useless and retarded is worse abuse than getting slapped around.

>He was hard on me verbally but I wouldn't classify this as PTSD unless I'm missing something, sorry if my greentexts are shit.

If you grew up in this environment, C-PTSD, almost certainly.

>He would burst when you least expect it. I wouldn't call him abusive.

That too is classic abuse. A child cannot grow up safely when their father can blow up whenever for no obvious reason. I had that kind too.

I know it's hard to believe, but you've been abused. Don't think of it any other way, and don't take the blame.

>>35569632
>I mean she's more commanding than father. She used (and still uses) victim mode whenever suited.

Bad things.

Commanding and then victimising herself. Sounds like my mother, and she's a piece of shit. Don't call her strong, she's probably the opposite.

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GET NAMES!

It's hard enough without faces, so give me at least a name!

>>35569729
By strong i meant "stronger" than father. It would be much easier to be gay and write that girl thing off me but sadly i'm not one. Only recently i've realized how frequently she's using victim mode. Maybe mom left such a bad impression on women in general that i'm afraid/hate them.

>>35569647
Yeah, it isn't really a surprise to me that my father was (is) abusive. I knew this before, but how do I get better? If you tell me just not to blame myself, it would be about as effective as telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking. Should I seek professional help?

>>35569784

Your mom sounds like she could easily be a narcissist.

>Maybe mom left such a bad impression on women in general that i'm afraid/hate them.

Maybe, but not necessarily.

Raised by a narc, you can't build yourself, you're only an extension of the cunt. That alone will make you insecure, especially in the face of those you need to secure love from (females).

>>35569816
>I knew this before, but how do I get better? If you tell me just not to blame myself, it would be about as effective as telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking. Should I seek professional help?

Yes. That will help. Seek someone who's into Carl Rogers type of therapy. It's more human than the rest and the principles are sound.

I'd recommend reading about all this to make sense of it.

For now, read a list of narcissistic traits in parents, see if you recognise anything.

>>35569833
>Raised by a narc, you can't build yourself, you're only an extension of the cunt. That alone will make you insecure, especially in the face of those you need to secure love from (females).
What is possible solution for this? Getting away from her? My grandmother is also a narc and i've got into verbal fights with her all the time.

>>35569883

No contact is recommended, or low contact, whichever you prefer. you don't owe them anything.

My grandmother is a narc too, like her son. I assumed both were aspies, not understanding that aspies aren't dickbags automatically.

Stay away from them and feel OK about burning those bridges.

There'll be a lot to read now.

>>35569372
It was because I was dumb kid. They were young 19 and 20 when they had me. They were both beat like fucking crazy when they were kids. My dad maybe hit me 5 times in my whole life. He doesn't like it when we get beat.

>>35569867
>For now, read a list of narcissistic traits in parents, see if you recognise anything.

I did that, and as I said in my previous post, it's no news to me that my parents (mainly my father) was abusive all these years. I have come to that realization a long time ago, but knowing that doesn't really help at this point. Anyway, thanks for the help anon, I'll try getting a therapist if I can afford one.

>>35569973
>It was because I was dumb kid.

Stop that. If you really had been a dumb kid, you had all the more reasons to be treated with even more care. Think about it. You weren't a dumb kid, now stop your Stockholm Syndrome.

It sounds like your own parents had issues, obviously; this is how it goes from generation to generation. Don't pass it on.

But do as I suggested: find instances, anecdotes, etc.

>>35570021

Welcome. Now that you have a name for it, researching material for help should be easier, and yes, a therapist should help even more. I'd recommend doing both.

>>35568613
>call me chris.

a lot of it stems from childhood. i grew up going to an almost cult like church that told me i was going to hell if i couldn't speak in tongues and that my mom would be taken from me in the rapture.
i was bullied severely as a kid/teenager
my mom never let me develop any kind of confidence or pushed me to do things on my own.
i also smoked weed a few times in my late teens/early 20's. i had a panic attack one night after i came down from the high. i'd never had a panic attack before that, but now they're a regular part of my life.

>>35569923
>Stay away from them and feel OK about burning those bridges
Thing is that i've been living in dorm for some time but i havent been doing much better.

>>35570076

That's all pretty fucked up. Way enough to warranty your condition.

Have you ever seen a therapist?

>>35570090
>Thing is that i've been living in dorm for some time but i havent been doing much better.

It will take time and work. You now need to take care of your inner child and be your own parent. It's not too late to give yourself value and love so that you can find a good partner for you, and live a good life.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/signs-dad-is-a-narcissist_b_8482438.html

>>35570128
>You now need to take care of your inner child and be your own parent
How?
>not too late
i'm 24 khv anon. I'm afraid it might be too late for some things.

>>35570187

Anon, I found out the truth at 34, it really isn't too late. 24, your life is ahead of you.

How to hande your inner child, you literally have to become your own parent now and tell yourself the stuff you were never told.

This will also make you a better parent.

>>35570236
>How to hande your inner child, you literally have to become your own parent now and tell yourself the stuff you were never told.
Could you give any tips on this? It seems too complicated for me.

>>35570280
>Could you give any tips on this?

Try to see things more objectively, and not the way you used to, or how your parents would see things.

To help with this, imagine what happened as a scene in a movie, or happening to other people that you know, or even you as the parent with your own child, see what you think.

>>35570318
>Try to see things more objectively
Rationally i somewhat understand causes but it doesnt reach subconsciousness.

>>35570462
>but it doesnt reach subconsciousness.

The unconscious is already aware, most of therapy is about making things conscious.

If you have any example of your past, write it out. I'll be able to give you an outsider's perspective, which is very needed for us.

I was so used to what my parents would say that it never struck me as weird or anything.

We'd find ourselves in a street without lights, walking, and my father would say, "It's darker than in a nigger's asshole!" When you're 10, this sounds funny. When you look back on that, and the rest, you realise it really isn't.

>>35569707

So what do you think needs to be done? I'm unfortunately very dependent on my dad, I'm 19. He's changed a lot these past five years, I feel like he's forcefeeding me compliments, my mom probably told him about my suicidal thoughts when I was 11.

>>35570506
>I feel like he's forcefeeding me compliments

Whenever my dad gave me compliments, it felt fake, and he'd do it about stuff that didn't warrant compliments; when I did something outstanding, he'd say nothing. So be careful about compliments.

Maybe he feels guilty and tries to catch up to win you over.

>>35570500
I dont know exact past memories but thing when parents complimented me was really grinding my gears
>You're such a smart, beautiful and active child. You could do everything you want
>No, Mom i dont believe this. It sounds like you could say that to every person.
>But anon, you really are such a boy.
It seemed fake.

>>35570506
>So what do you think needs to be done?

Therapy! ASAP.

>>35570500
Maybe another thing was in school when i accidently said to female classmate about somewhat having suicidal thoughts when deep talking. Since then i felt like something changed in classroom - too cold and sterile (not like it had been much different before it).

>>35570576
>about stuff that didn't warrant compliments

lol yesterday I printed a document for him and said he was proud of me. Weird af

Bitch boy here, ur email didn't work mate.
U sure its correct? Maybe I messed up.

By the way, I also feel like being anxious and depressed has become part of my identity.It is who I am because I have been this way all my life.

The only way I can identify with other people, and properly socialize is trough mutual misery often.
I feel very uncomfortable being happy and although it is still awful it is almost as if I am comfortably miserable because the stress induced trying to snap out of it is almost as bad.

This is of course just an illusion mostly. But I wonder if other people experience the same?

>>35570586

It was fake. The value of what your parents tell you are based in truth: is it true? Whether they shit on you when you don't deserve it, or give you over the top compliment when you don't deserve it either, it comes down to the same, it's a form of gaslighting: it promotes a distortion between what you see as reality and what they tell you it is.

I used to paint some serious shit back in the day, and it was always amazing to my mother, even when it really was fucking shit. She'd hang that shit around the house. I didn't even want it exposed, so she scanned the originals and hung printed copies of shitty pencil sketch portraits. It was horrendously retarded.

How messed up do these people have to be to insert turds even in their compliments?

>>35570626

That probably scared people, yes.

>>35570645
>Bitch boy here, ur email didn't work mate.
>U sure its correct? Maybe I messed up.

[email protected]

Did I type something else before? Yes, I did, fuck. I'm sorry!

>>35568566

Wrong address, it's @yahoo.com.

My bad.

>>35570645
>But I wonder if other people experience the same?

Yes, and I do. I have moments nowadays when I revert back to my happy days, but only for a moment, and usually when I teach, because at that point, it is like it was before.

But yeah, my framework is chaos, panic, pain, and because of this I can't enjoy casual talks with "normies" because it seems so trivial compared to my need to get out of hell.

So yes, others experience the same, and if you meet them, chances are you'll become close friends, or more, and this may destroy you.

>>35570756
Just got back from the gym btw. And I felt pretty big. I dunno how to explain. Like I felt very stable and less of a gollum. (Which is retarded in the first place cus im zyzz) .

But I think it is because I wrote some stuff down and relieved some emotional pressure or something. I recommend others to writing ur problems down too, even if its a diary or smth

>>35570912

Some activities will help: working out, writing, speaking, etc.

Don't keep it to yourself, basically.

I don't write things down in a diary because it feels pointless unless someone else reads it, so I generally write long ass e-mails to friends I trust.

>>35570949
yeahh whats the point if u cant share i guess, but its a first step.

>C-PTSD is associated with child abuse or neglect, IPV, hostages, prisoners of war, concentration camp survivors, and defectors of cults or cult-like organizations.

That's pretty hardcore OP, would you really classify someone being called useless the same as someone being in a concentration camp?

I have such fucking bad anxiety.
>be me
>at college class
>girl wants me to sign her book
>ok will do
>someone interrupts her asking me to sign it
>when she turns back round to me i'm standing awkwardly
>me "s--s-s-s-s-s-so did you want me to s-s--sign that?" fucking stutter like a bitch
>her "uh yeah sure.."
>awkward as fuck

I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or not. Some bloke in a uniform was round asking about electricity, trying to get in to talk to others in the flat etc. However, he didn't know the postcode, he didn't know we were electric only and he didn't have a meter key. He also asked about my job, where it was etc. This might have been innocuous but it would also make sense if he was putting together a picture of when the house would be empty. Feeling pretty uneasy. Will be getting weapons together, not resting too easily tonight.

>>35570981

For most people, it allows them to hear themselves from before, and to keep things down. That way you can see your progress and such. And many enjoy it.

I just have a problem at my core where I don't feel like I exist unless it's in someone else's eyes, usually someone that matters a lot to me.

>>35567230
My father almost killed himself this week, I'm not sure how to feel about this.

I feel lonely even if i'm with my friends in school,i have good friends outside of school,it's just i feel like i'm not part of the group,even if we like the same shit,movies,series,everything.What to do?

>>35571068
Use your space bar after comma for starters. Why do you feel like you're not a part of the group? Do you take part in discussions? Do they ignore your opinions with ease?

>>35571068
me too, not sure if its trust issues or because i'm too fuckin smart

>>35571006
>That's pretty hardcore OP, would you really classify someone being called useless the same as someone being in a concentration camp?

Not only I would, but I know for a fact that I would have fared better with 2 years in a concentration camp than way many more years as a child growing up with demons.

Being the child of fucked up people is like a long, long ass death camp sentence where anything might happen to you, and you don't even know you're in such a horrible place, which fucks with your mind big time.

>I feel like shit
>but my life is wonderful
>I must be some ingrate piece of shit

It's the equivalent of being beat on with a stick, and the abuser keeps telling you they love you, so you end up feeling guilty because their "love" hurts.

Not sure why people don't realise how hardcore child abuse is, of any type.

>>35571121
shut your btch ass up no ona care space behind comma ass boy u make a nigga feel some typeo f way g

>>35571045

It's possible, but if they're that careful, they won't come when you're around.

>>35571058
>My father almost killed himself this week, I'm not sure how to feel about this.

Is he safe now?

>>35571068
>What to do?

Find out why you feel different. Took me decades but I know now.


>>35571126

Trust issues. Thinking yourself smarter than others, while not impossible, is usually just a defense mechanism.

>>35567230
im 99% sure i have schizoid, but too ashamed to go to dr goldstein and give him shekels jsut so i get the paper for confirmation

>>35571148
It talks!

>>35571045
You're not paranoid at all. He's mostly likely up to something, good luck.

>>35571195
He is.

>>35571211
How do you know? What steps did you take?

>>35571217
>im 99% sure i have schizoid,

List your symptoms.

>>35567230
>got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia a few months back
>hear people talking about how they would kill me
>be associated with the mob
>trips me out thinking it might be related to that
>drink and smoke weed everyday to keep calm
>moved alot of times

what do

>>35571250
>How do you know? What steps did you take?

Find patterns. I realised that my "depressions" were always relationship-related, and that there was more to it than mere depression. Any kind of pattern will guide you towards something.

Trust your feelings. Something in you will attempt to let you know.

I half believe that a toc I had as a kid, that of scratching my private parts was literally my unconscious self indicating the area of abuse, but I haven't retrieved enough memories to be sure.

>>35570675
But i didnt developed overconfidence because of it. Actually it backfired as i gained low-confidence and low self-esteem. It's just too hard for me because everyone is expecting me to become adult - getting a job, living independently and having LTR when i'm such a weakling. I see my existence as a cruel joke from destiny.

>>35571283

Stop weed and booze. You can get paranoid issues from weed alone.

Then try to think it rationally. Why would anyone want to kill you?

>>35571211
altho i literally am a fucken genious I think it doesnt rly matter. Trust issues should be fixed n then I can alwys find people who r similar to me

>>35571325
>But i didnt developed overconfidence because of it. Actually it backfired as i gained low-confidence and low self-esteem.

Yes, as expected. If you make a turd and are praised for it, it can convey the following message: "Your shit is shit, but you're so shit that even this turd is good, considering YOU made it."

That's how many narcs operate. You don't see the shit they actually do, but your mind feels the pain. To make this obvious, suppose you draw a stickman, as an adult, because you can't draw, and someone genuinely praises you for it. You'd feel insulted, because no praise on this can be honest. You'd feel like shit if someone really thought that was a worthy effort on your part, as if you couldn't do better.

>It's just too hard for me because everyone is expecting me to become adult - getting a job, living independently and having LTR when i'm such a weakling. I see my existence as a cruel joke from destiny.

Chances are they want to keep you in this, while at the same time making you feel responsible for it. Stop caring what they think, for real. They don't have your interests at heart. They only pretend to, to control you.

>>35571335
Yeah weed makes you PARANOID AS FUCK.
I got a psychosis during withdrawals. Shit is horrible. Terribly addictive. Probably one of the most addictive things there is.

I know mates who have been smoking since they were 13. The guy binges trough 100g coke in a year and the next year hes clean np. But weed he can't leave alone.

Same for me. I had much easier time quitting for example coke or oxycontin than weed.

Weed is the fuckin devil. And I love it.

>>35571363
>altho i literally am a fucken genious I think it doesnt rly matter.

>altho
>i
>fucken
>genious

And the rest. If you think you're a genius but can't show us how, chances are you only have narc traits. But I'm open to see what you've got.

>>35571335
I noticed the weed would sometimes amp my anxiety up, haven't smoked for a week now because I'm running out of cash

Shit I don't know why anyone would want to kill me, was thinking about that alot but hell, I've got the mobs back, they tell me to keep calm and get my shit together but I just can't

Moved back to my hometown and people in the neighbourhood start talking about me and my relations to some people, the town I'm in is run by the hells angels, I know some of them and we good but I can't get of the feeling that I am being watched and followed

>>35571319
Well to describe my thought pattern, I pretty much think all the time that I'm useless, weak and unlikeable. Even when I usually do something school related, I tell myself that I'm too stupid to understand. Very anxious during oral presentations, heart races a lot in social gatherings. Can't talk to girls. I always think about the worst case scenario and think that everyone hates me and is against me. I feel like I'm inadequate and that I'm a failure.

>>35571414
I've done it all except for heroin and meth
weed I is the one thing I can't stop doing

also the guy with the paranoid schizophrenia

>>35571276
some of them:
i dont have empathy for anything to the point my family is disgusted
i need to intentionally withold my joyfulness when i hear bad things happening to people close to me
immature, failing college, ireresponsible, lviing dependent on parents
can understand other people really

>>35571461

All of which were most likely not your thoughts at first, but someone else's.

Find patterns in your past, in how your parents treated you, things they said, did, etc. Look for patterns there, and use your adult point of view.

>>35571488
i meant cant understand other people

also:
dont use phone or social networks
dont have car, cant drive
dont want to do any of these things at all

btw. im 20

>>35571488
>i need to intentionally withold my joyfulness when i hear bad things happening to people

This is clearly not schizoid disorder. Low empathy and enjoyment of other people's pain is closer to antisocial disorder than anything. Do some tests online, they're not perfect but the questions can make you think

>>35571390

I would just like to comment on this.
These people are still your parents. And for a lot of people who were fucked up by their parents; it wasn't their intention. Or it was just their subconcious going wild.

Don't get mad at your mom as example; for her pasts mistakes when in her head she did the right thing. Whether that was for you or for her. It's whatever. She still loves you the most probably. And if not, you'll still love her the most.

Even if shes batshit insane. You're still her little batshit insane boy/girl. She was also born one day and became the person she is today trough things she went trough or whatever.


Like my mom got bullied a lot. She was overly protected and scared I'd get bullied too. Which obviously happened. Then she basicly did everything she could in her eyes to better the situation. And everything she did basicly made it worse.
But that fucking hurts cause she still put aaaa lot of effort into me. Shes just a women and plain stupid I guess.

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>>35567230
my pdoc is suggesting i go through Electroconvulsive Therapy since ive been through four antidepressants without results. im really afraid, ive read horror stories about ECT (loss of memory and change in brain structure). also i feel the pdoc is suggesting it for research purposes rather than my well being since i also have schizophrenia and ECT is an experimental treatment for schizos as far as i know. what should i do?

>>35571426
Just baiting. And grammatical errors don't have too much to do with people being smart, if you think about the meaning of language.

The comment was true tho. I don't have anything I am proud of or confident about. But my intelligence is something that always shines trough at the end of the day.

I know this sounds cringy af, but I am a really humble person. And although that might be a arrogant thing to say it's not bragging if you can back it up.

I'm not here to prove why I'm such a fukken genius though. Since I don't really feel the need. I just wonder if it is related to my emotional issues sometimes.

>>35571540
i dont enjoy their pain
im just happy (once every 20 years) when i see people from my childhood and not wander the big city lost
after highschool i cant really enjoy anything,
never had no hobbies, no friends, no interests

>>35567230
>been on the road for 4 years
>sleeping here and there
>last station was a hostel
>one night a guy stands infront of the window playing with knifes saying "the killer is in the house"
>think nothing of it, just a stupid kid
>stalking continues
>says he will come inside the room the next day
>smoke a pipe and freak the fuck out
>buy bus ticked to hometown
>can't get rid of the feeling of being followed
>develop the delusion that some kind of organization is after me for what ever reason
>once at home go to metal hospital right away
>plan to take a shower the first night in the hospital
>hear some guy loading a gun
>slit both wrists the right way on the first night
>turns out he used a tool to make cigarettes
>feel like an idiot
>weeks pass
>another patient suggests that my family got killed
>say nothing an turn to stone
>believe what he said
>smash a mirror and stab my neck with a shard
>get arrested in the hospital because I threatened to hurt the staff if they won't let me bleed out
>get patched up
>have to stay for three months, judge fudge says so
>after half a year get released, find a flat
>hear voices of people arguing about how to kill me
>stay inside for most of the time

help

>>35571540
I have the opposite and it really bugs me.
Like other peoples emotional issues get to me too much. And I am too forgiving ect.


How do you become more of a prick?

>>35571543
>These people are still your parents.

Get rid of that thought. You need to. Being a parent doesn't give you God-like rights. Chances are very real that my parents bathed me and my little brother in a bath filled with their own turds, that they put things in our foods, that they ruined our noses with medication, and countless other things. So yes, they're still our parents, so? More than anyone else, they should have protected us and loved us. Being a parent gives you more responsibilities, not more rights.

>And for a lot of people who were fucked up by their parents; it wasn't their intention.

You're naive, but I forgive you, since I've been that naive for longer than you have. Your life will change radically the day you understand that yes, sometimes, often, it was their intention. These people don't think the way normal people do.

Whatever the case, you have a duty to yourself to protect yourself.

>She still loves you the most probably. And if not, you'll still love her the most.

No, and no. Certainly your parents are better than mine, but mine never loved anybody but themselves. Or their false selves, whichever.


>Even if shes batshit insane. You're still her little batshit insane boy/girl. She was also born one day and became the person she is today trough things she went trough or whatever.

When you realise it's possible that your own mother drugged you from a very young age potentially to molest you in your sleep, and let others do likewise, you think very differently about all of this.

I doubt your parents are all that bad if you can think this way, which I would too if it applied to my parents.

>>35571562

Reconsider. ECT does work, but it's an extreme measure, and I wouldn't recommend it unless you're catatonic, especially since your depressive issues might only be secondary to other more central issues.

If you have ANY inkling that your problems are psychological instead of purely chemical, do not go through with ECT.

State your past, traumas, etc. But postpone ECT.

>>35571390
>Chances are they want to keep you in this
They actually saying opposite that i should get out from their home and achieve things. They really dont want to stay around them.

>>35571607

An interesting post. When it comes to intelligence, I wouldn't state what I think of my own unless I have some achievements as back up, otherwise it means you're dumb enough to brag without being able to prove it, which isn't very smart.

Out of curiosity, and more, what makes you think you're smarter than most?

>>35571672
Obviously if there is real intentional harm done.
But narcissistic emotional abuse is not something they control either. Just like I don't control my issues.

>>35571617
>i dont enjoy their pain

Then why do you feel joy when you hear bad stuff happening to them?

>>35571665

Anon, you need psychiatrical help ASAP. You need serious medication.

What's your past like?

>metal hospital

Sounds rad.

>>35571772
no i dont
im just happy when i make myself forget what my life is like and when i meet others that are in trouble i have difficulty adjusting to being sad in order to please social interaction standards

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>>35571725
>State your past, traumas, etc. But postpone ECT.
thanks mate. i believe i had a pretty normal past, there was some bullying (like a guy pissing on my backpack and stuff) but i believe its mostly if not purely chemical. schizo is related with an excess of dopamine right? and as for depression i have no reason to be sad but i dont enjoy anything anymore and have suicidal thoughts pretty much every day

>>35571668

Google "people-pleaser" and expect to find out some unpleasant truths.

We're in the same boat.

Don't become a prick, but learn to defend and value yourself, which won't be done quickly.

>>35571737
>They actually saying opposite that i should get out from their home and achieve things.

Yes, they can say any number of things, but unless their actions actually help you achieve this, they're not helping. Mine said the same crap but the intention was to guilt trip me.

>>35571765
>But narcissistic emotional abuse is not something they control either. Just like I don't control my issues.

You're wrong. Narcissism is a complex disorder, but they do what they do because they want to. I wouldn't compare it to what a borderline does when highly emotional. A borderline will be sorry afterwards, a narc won't.

Also, you need to stop considering others before yourself. Whether a narc hurts you consciously or not, kick the fucker to the curb all the same. You don't wonder about fire before you stay clear of the flames.

What are your issues?

>>35571798
I get Aripiprazol or Abilify injections every months, but it isn' really helping

Because of my history of drugs the doctor didn't want to give me anything else, that fucking bastard

my past?

>social reject and loner
>become a /b/tard at the age of 14 (2004)
>got into drugs eventually
>few friends
>lose them all over the years
>play video games and hang out with drug dealers most the time
>parents are divorced
>little contact to my family
>never had a gf
>love booze and drugs
>no job
>droped out of school

Pretty much a loser of some sort, don't feel like one tho

>metal hospital
we had a blast on new years eve

>>35571810

I'll quote you:

>i need to intentionally withold my joyfulness when i hear bad things happening to people close to me

I don't know how I could have misread this. Joyfulness when hearing bad things happening to people close to you. It's pretty clear.

>>35571817
>i believe i had a pretty normal past,

So did I.

> schizo is related with an excess of dopamine right?

Never heard of that, I doubt it.

Describe your parents.

>>35572003
no
you misunderstood me
im not an english native
i meant that i have problems adjusting my emotions when necessary
i dont have joy from others misery, i jsut dont give a shit about it

>>35571980

How did your parents raise you?

>>35571760
Well first of all we would have to agree on a mutual definition of what it means to be smart.

I haven't read a book since I was like 7 for example. If you were to consider me stupid for that, then we have a different definition of what it means to be smart or intelligent ect. I could go very in depth about this but it is not really necessary I think.

My IQ was tested multiple times in official settings to be reeaally high.
Everyone I basicly meet tells me I'm fucking smart my whole life one way or another for no other reason than that they mean it I guess.


Also I don't think I am smarter than most for any other reason than that other people do and experiences I've had. I just prefer to think other people are stupid or something.


It all doesn't really matter though. It's not something special. But it sure doesn't contribute to anything positive in this society. Where knowledge is praised over wisdom.

>>35572045

So how did you mean the word "joyfulness" in that sentence?

Something's fishy here...

>>35572085
LOOK IM NOT ENGLISH NATIVE SO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME FOR MY LANGUAGE

>>35572073
>Well first of all we would have to agree on a mutual definition of what it means to be smart.

Wrong. I only asked you what made you think you were smarter than most. My definition or agreement is not needed to understand why YOU think YOU are smart.

IQ tests only test one type of intelligence.

How have you intelligently employed your intelligence so far?

Anyone else have fucking super introvert loser parents?
>mom has like 2 friends but i guess that's enough

>dad has none and mostly just goes walking and shit in free time
This has to have affected me psychologically somehow right?

>>35572107

Thing is, I'm not a native speaker either. I'm not making fun of you, I just refuse to believe you used the word "joyfulness" and not meant anything about joy. It sounds like you admitted to enjoying other people's pain and are now feeling ashamed of that and trying to backtrack.

It's OK if you enjoy people suffering, you won't be the first I hear who does that.

>that one's for you, Facet

He hasn't shown up tonight.

>>35572164
i do
and they still are chads compared to me

>>35571672
Yeah obviously there is a difference. Between intentionally doing harm, and doing harm without realizing it.

Like there is a difference between for example my babysitter trying to drown me, and my mom not believing me. And my mom herself trying to drown me.

In the first case I can't really blame her. Altho I do it is not relevant. Getting mad at her doesn't solve anything cause it was never her intention in the first place to cause me harm. Was just a way to undo potential harm to herself.

idk its tricky.

>>35572164

How many friends do you have?
orgirnieogierogieeg

>>35572054
My dad bought me my first computer and ps1 so I won't hang out on the streets and play inside

My mom never gave a shit what I would do, as long as I would do it at home

I guess they were kinda loving in their way but I didn't get it back then

When my dad left, my mom had to take care of three children, she couldn't read so she never had a good job and we never had much money

My dad was cold and distant, my mom was overcaring in her way

I never really gave a fuck about them or my siblings tho, always inside my room, quiet at dinner, moved out at the age of 19

>>35572173
why the fuck would i care about some random dude on 4chan and want to take back something
if i dont want you to know something i wouldnt fucking write it
i dont enjoy people suffering and i wouldnt be afraid to say it if i did
i jsut dont
i barely find joy in anything

>>35571810
I know what you mean bud.

It's like whenever I meet a good friend I'm lowkey subconciously thinking 'pls stay depressed bro'. Even though I want the best for them.

>>35572173
Speak my name, and I shall appear. I see you're dealing with a craven this evening.

>>35571929
>but unless their actions actually help you achieve this
It's only motivation, however i dont have motivation myself as world seems meaningless.

>>35572179
>In the first case I can't really blame her.

If you mean not blaming your mother for not believing you, instead of the babysitter for trying to drown you. (My worst fear.)

That said, you CAN blame your mother for not believing you: you were telling the fucking truth. A good parent can tell when their child is lying.

>Getting mad at her doesn't solve anything cause it was never her intention in the first place to cause me harm. Was just a way to undo potential harm to herself.

Solving, maybe not, but maybe you need to feel that anger to let things go. Don't deny yourself your own feelings, they exist for a reason.

How old were you? Why did the babysitter do it?

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>>35572034
>Describe your parents.
my mom is obsessed with order and cleanliness she's a very nice person. used to be walked over because of it often, now in her old years he has become a little more cautious with people. she really believes in me. thinks some day i'll be a famous painter.

my dad is a doctor. he also believes in me. he moved from a small town to this city when he was 14 or something like that, he's a hard worker, in his latest years he has become a sort of mild alcoholic. he drinks about two beers and two shots of mezcal minimum per day.

they always encouraged me but ive fallen short. my mom only hit me once and my dad only called me names once i dont know what else should i say about them. they are really wonderful people. in fact i feel guilty about that often

>>35572226
meeting people isnt even bearable tho
i cant get on anyone's level of behaviour and interests and i just have to pretend to be someone im not in order for them not to hate/ridicule me

>>35572202
2 but i can't say i can relate to them too much sometimes.

I mean we shoot the shit but i don't really have someone to open up to.

>>35571817
Did you draw these things?

Can you elaborate on its meaning?

>>35571929

This is again something that fucks me up so badly mentally. Because if the person doesn't realise they are gaslighting you as an example, how can you blame them?

My brother is narc af and he'd lie in my face sometimes. If I show him evidence he changes things around. But he doesn't seem to realise it!

These people aren't self aware unlike I or we are.

>>35572210

>parents make sure kids don't socialise or make friends
>father prefers to let a computer become the parent
>father abandoned you
>you still think they loved you "in their own way"
>mother was "overcaring", possibly meaning she was controlling
>you are unable to love them or the rest of your family

Your family was highly dysfunctional, anon. You were raised like an animal, worse, in fact.

How accurate is my post?

>>35572215

I still don't understand how you accidentally used the word "joyfulness" if you didn't mean it. That's all.

>>35571980
Binged on coke, speed, using shitton of weed.

See doctoers while tripping on LSD

>manipulate him into prescribing me a shitton of xanax every other week
>lives good

>>35572319
i didnt accidentally use it
i use it intentionally

>>35571969
>Also, you need to stop considering others before yourself.

Yeahh I think you hit bingo on that one.

>>35572227
>I see you're dealing with a craven this evening.

A craving? A Wes Craven?

I figured you'd use that to flatter yourself. Glad I flushed you out.

Did you actually pretend to be someone else and wrote me an e-mail flattering both of us in an attempt to know what I thought of you behind the scene? Just curious.

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>>35572304
the one you linked was related to a fight between terrenal pleasures, like lust and divine ones (from the head) i dont know how to explain it in english, not my native language

>>35572326
o forget to mention that I didn't keep this any secret

I was going schizo so I just confessed it all lmao. Except for the part where I thought i was jesus n all dat.

>>35572228
>It's only motivation, however i dont have motivation myself as world seems meaningless.

It was your parents' job to make you motivated and self-confident. They failed you. Be angry, and do the job they didn't do.

I know it's hard.

>>35572357
I didn't, but it's nice to know that I have an admirer. Still, 'flushing me out'? And you say you'd never attempt to manipulate someone. You're only exposing yourself.

>>35572291
Because you hate yourself and you think you are not worthy to them, being yourself. Perhaps?

>>35572259

Any history of schizophrenia in your family?

>>35572411
no
im just totally intolerable and awful when im being myself

>>35572304
>Because if the person doesn't realise they are gaslighting you as an example, how can you blame them?

The sinister truth, anon, is that, most likely, they know what they're doing.

As to blame, it doesn't matter much as long as you protect yourself and keep them at bay.

>My brother is narc af and he'd lie in my face sometimes. If I show him evidence he changes things around. But he doesn't seem to realise it!

These people aren't self aware unlike I or we are.

I'd say it's somewhere in between, because it's required for narcs. They're both aware of the shit they're doing, but not enough that they stop.

It's a very weird condition.

>>35572344

Then what was your real meaning, in a new sentence, using that word... Rewrite the sentence, using "joyfulness" to convey the exact meaning you wanted.

>>35572349

Look up:

>healthy boundaries
>people-pleaser
>raised by narcissists

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>>35572418
yes, an uncle on my dad's side had his first episode when he was around 23 i had mine around 26

>>35572257
I think I was 3, or 4. I puked in the bath.
Obviously she wasn't actually drowning me or I'd be dead. But it felt that way. Apparently she also dropped me as a baby on accident. I don't remember any memories before I was 3 though. My oldest memory is turning 3.

I sometimes wonder if she abused me too. Since I was furiously fapping so much.. Idk.

I thought about finding her and soaking her with water, while having a rag soaked in gasoline in my pocket or something, to spread the smell. And then run after her with a lighter. You know sort of as revenge. Innocent prank to make her think she'll die.

But then I realised it was probably not her intentions n stuff. When I messaged her if I could talk to her she just ignored me. I should prob still just go and seek revenge.

She fucking works with kids these days..

>>35572227
stop being annoying
i dont find enjoyment from other peoples suffering

>>35572485
you really need to get explained like a fucking 3yearold baby

>im joyful
>walk around
>meet a guy who had bad shit happen to him
>need to turn into sad mode
>is hard

what the fuck is it hard to understand

>>35572392
>I didn't, but it's nice to know that I have an admirer.

Actually, he thinks I write both our posts.

>Still, 'flushing me out'? And you say you'd never attempt to manipulate someone.

I didn't mean it. I thought you'd participate if you were around. You're taking my words a little too literally, relax.

>>35572375
When I went schzio I kept having thoughts about religion and snakes n other dimensions.

Kinda weird

>>35572501

I suspect abuse.

I don't get the connection between puking in the bath and being drowned, which is a red flag in itself. Can you explain again?

Furiously fapping, at what age?

>>35572485
He's only responsible for what he means. Not for what you understand.

Now he is responsible for explaining if he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. But if thats hard cause hes not native, so be it. Just try to work harder on understanding him I'd say.

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>>35572545
>I kept having thoughts about religion
my mate me too. i thought the bible, orphic texts (about dyonisus) and the mythology based on the golem were metaphoric texts refering to my condition as god within the dream. i also started believing in telepathy and stuff

>>35572529
>you really need to get explained like a fucking 3yearold baby

If nothing else, we got to learn that you're easily irritated and get aggressive.

I understand your explanation now. I'm just not sure you explained you were normally a joyful person before. Didn't you say something about not feeling much?

>>35572215
>i barely find joy in anything

Oh yeah, you actually did. I'm sorry but you keep contradicting yourself in strange ways.

>>35572624

Really great art. That and the other ones, really nice work.

>>35572633
>I understand your explanation now. I'm just not sure you explained you were normally a joyful person before. Didn't you say something about not feeling much?
at some moment, generally im either sad/apathetic or sarcastic/cynical in front of otehrs to cover it up

>>35572633
also
>has crazy presumptions about people that are not true
>sticks with it and refuses to believe what the other guy has been talking for the last 100 posts
>wonders why the other guy gets irritated

>>35572679

OK. I think I understand.

How do you agree with this list?

Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affect.

Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.

Consistent preference for solitary activities.

Very few, if any, close friends or personal relationship, and a lack of desire for such.

>Indifference to either praise or criticism. (You are definitely not indifferent to what you're told...)

Little interest in having sexual experiences with another person (taking age into account).

Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.

Indifference to social norms and conventions.

Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.

>>35572720
>Indifference to either praise or criticism.
replace that with anxious and easily irritated

rest is true

>>35572501
Well I don't understand either. Hence why it spawned trust issues and what not.

Age 4 I believe. But my memory is good af, and there is no reason to go beyond speculation if I don't remember it. I think I would have.

I literally got a photographic memory. Which kind of sucks when 90% of those memories are horrible

>>35572713

The guy started saying he found no joy in anything, then literally that he found joy in others' pain. I was being logical is all. Then he explained that he was indeed joyful for other reasons, and I believed him despite the contradiction. You can't fault me for trying hard.

>>35572758

I'm not sure a schizoid person would spend much time on a social imageboard, though. You certainly have something, but I'd consider something other than schizoid.

>>35572762
no i didnt say that
you misunderstood what i said and then tried to be smart by making presumptions

>>35572537
It makes sense: someone with such intimate knowledge of narcissists must be well suited to emulating their behaviours, taking on their traits, so on. Like an infection. I bet you could do it easily. It must come naturally. But remember, as you said, narcissists lack self-awareness. Good job we have someone creating threads each day with a persistent name and responding to so many different anons, whom we can trust with all this information. It's good we have your expertise and diligence keeping us all safe.

>>35572390
>Be angry, and do the job they didn't do
I dont even how. I wish i'd have some confidence "grounding" but i see myself as dumb, ugly (that's factual) and unmotivated.

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>>35572659
thanks mate, i love to draw, its one of the only things i still enjoy

>>35572624
Same

I still do desu. although I'm not that schizo anymore. Only when straaaange coincidences happen. Then I instantly feel watched again.

It just all makes perfect sense. I never even read the bible or any religious texts. But these thoughts would spawn within me and they would correlate to religious scriptures.

it's all symbolic ofcourse though

>>35572792
>would spend much time on a social imageboard
>imageboard
>4chan
>fucking 4chan
lol

>>35572804
>I bet you could do it easily.

I have done it as a child and can remember actively fighting against that pattern of thinking, because I could see the fallacy in it. It is like an infection and that is how it's spread. If you're too weak mentally, you turn into one of them.

>Good job we have someone creating threads each day with a persistent name and responding to so many different anons, whom we can trust with all this information.

You seem to think there's something I could do with "this information". I wonder what. I suppose you suspect nefarious intent on my part, but even when I try, I can't think of anything I could do with any of the stuff posted here.

>>35572805

You're probably not as ugly as you feel. Same with the rest.

>>35572813

This is awesome too. I can see that in serious exhibitions. Keep creating art.

>>35572873
This is really a tough issue for me.
I can't seem to look at myself in a positive way.

Like I said before in the thread. If I go out I'm a fuckin baller. Women will always buy me drinks, not the other way around. I've heard I'm good looking before.

But the more I exercise ect the more I seem to notice my flaws.

n o t h i n g i d o s e e m s t o s a t i s f y :(

>>35572844

I don't see your point. 4chan is clearly a place where people with issues come to feel less like weirdos by being surrounded by people of their own sort. This board is a concentration of that. There's a reason why people /r9k/ come here, and that reason is largely social in nature. People come here not to be so alone, even though not everyone will readily admit so.

>>35572941

If you were told you looked good, cash it. You look good. The problem is elsewhere.

My intentions are so fucking good. Always.

But everyone is evil. I truly feel angelic sometimes. It's hard to not become schizo in this society.

>>35572864
I'm grateful that we have someone with the moral fortitude and mental strength to resist that, then. You must be pretty proud of yourself - you're not like other people. You're better. Stronger.

>>35573004

When you snap out of your sarcastic fit, call me.

>>35572873
>You're probably not as ugly as you feel. Same with the rest.
Probably no. I'm 3-4/10 and it's really hard to overlook obvious flaws as small and recessed chin and overall looks when it looks that forehead takes half face and the rest of face is squeezed downwards. I wish i could live with being ugly or atleast be braver because of it like approaching girls and not expecting anything.

>>35573014
Jeez man relax, I'm just having a little fun. You know I enjoy your threads.

>>35572946
internet and 4chan especially is PERFECT for people who lack real contact
if someone uses imageboards it is a sign that there is something wrong with him in avoidant sense and not the opposite

>>35573014
you are clearly a retard anon
stop being a fucking moron to everybody and clueless as well

Not really a problem, but a question. How can I boost my own self-confidence? Sometimes I feel like I'm the king of the world, and other times I feel like a loser

>>35572305
Wow, well pretty accurate I would say
Comparing the way I grew up to the way some people raise their dogs I'd say the dog got the golden ticket

>>35572326
I asked for oxy or xanax, maybe I was to blunt about it, what did you do?

>>35573037
>Jeez man relax

I was not angry. Are you projecting some of your anger on me? You were being sarcastic, and I leave it up to you to figure out why, but don't make me responsible for your ill feelings.

I find you more interesting when you speak more literally, and about yourself.

Let me think of some questions for you, which I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Do you "split" people? Do you suddenly hate someone you adored (idealisation, devaluation, discard cycle sort of thing)? I may have asked already, but I'll ask again.

Also, once "split black", can people come back?

>>35573049

I agree with that, but I don't see the contradiction. I've always seen online contact as extrovertion for introverted people. It's a safe way to be social, and I believe that's what anons find here.

Point being, a schizoid personality would not care for any kind of social activity, offline or online, because other people don't matter to them, one way or another, whereas being here means you try to find some social contact. Here, you find safe social contact.

>>35573088

Are you the same anon who was upset at the "joyfulness" bit?

Why are you so angry?

>>35573100

Do these feelings last for weeks or months?

If so, have you been checked for bipolar?

>>35567230
For as long as I can remember, I've lacked the motivation to do anything with my life. Never had any real hobbies, never worked out, never developed any useful skills, nothing. Nothing has ever ignited the "fire" that people who are motivated always talk about. When I was a young lil niglet I could hide behind my lack of responsibilities, but now that I'm legally an adult it's started weighing on me heavily, to the point where I'm constantly filled with self loathing over the fact that I have no skills or talents. And the shittiest part is that I have a sister who was one of those attention-whorish depressed and she disgusts me, and I'm terrified that deep down I'm just like her and it leaves me in this painful limbo where I can't even wallow in self pity and get some enjoyment out of it but I also can't feel happy and it's absolutely hell.
Sorry if this came of as incoherent/rantish, it's been on my chest for a long long time.

>>35573179
I've been feeling like this for a while. Not really sure how long. I haven't checked if I'm bipolar, but I honestly don't think I am

How do i know whenever i'm introvert, extrovert or repressed extrovert?

>>35573126
Just state symptoms that will get it prescribed. Be cautious of what he might think.

I myself mentioned trying it once because I got it from a friend when I had a panic attack (complete lie) and it really worked. But benzos are really addictive and such so I'm afraid about using them ect. Basicly just bounce it back to him so he feels like hes in control, although you are the one spawning the thoughts in his head.

Last time I binged trough my whole stash in 2 days. Then after a week I called him and said how I have left (lie, i used all of it like a fucking junkie fiend) but I'm afraid of using it because I want to make sure I have some saved for when I get a panic attack. So he gave me another receipt to get more that I also binged trough within days.

I'm now getting himto give me clonazepam. I can already get it but I just have to get the proper framework in his head so everything is under my control.

Like he said I'd have to use clonazepam daily or something and I told him I don't want to do that. I told him I don't want valium cus it makes my muscles too weak ect. But thats the whole reason I want it.

basicly just fuck with him and make him prescribe u a whole soup of benzos in such a way that when someone checks my lists at pharmacy when i come thru every week they are thinking 'tf is this kids mental issues'


Make sure he doesn't write anything important down though and that u think trough very well. Like I dont have him diagnose me for anything cus that could fuck me over later. Although I do mention slightly that I might be schizo now n then so if I ever get arrested I can blamei t on my supposed voices

>>35573209
>Nothing has ever ignited the "fire" that people who are motivated always talk about.

Same here, until I became somewhat happy, due to being in a relationship and having my own place, job, etc.

What may be going on is you may have C-PTSD and basically you're constantly on survival mode, where there's no place for motivation and big plans and dreams and anything. You're just surviving, day to day. Nothing can grow from that mode except day to day survival. Everything feels secondary and trivial and not worth wasting time one, much like reading about flowers while hiding in a battlefield.

If this sounds familiar, you may have a shitter past than you remember, especially if your sibling is also messed up.

>>35573232

If you feel like this for some time, and then the opposite, it sounds like bipolar.

>>35573262

Introverts find their resources inside, extroverts outside. If talking to people tire you, you're an introvert. If talking to people charge you up, you're an extrovert.

>>35573036
>ignored
maybe it's for the best

>>35573036
>recessed chin

I doubt anyone cares about that, don't worry.

>forehead takes half face

Females like high foreheads.

Stop worrying about your appearance. You're fine in that department.

>>35573307
>talking with people
That's a bit tricky because i like talking with people when it suits my interests or satisfies curiosity. However spending time with people without having some clear goal or activity in mind seems pointless and i'd rather be alone and do something on my own.

>>35573127
I just want you to acknowledge what you're doing. You know that it matters to me for people to find me interesting - narcissism after all. So you're telling me when I'm most interesting to you as a means of controlling my behaviour. What you're doing is resorting to the kinds of tactics I routinely use, so I think it's a bit rich that you pretend we're diametrically opposed. That kind of dualistic thinking is unhealthy, and might indicate a personality disorder you know.

Still, in answer to your question splits tend to turn on a dime. In the heat of the moment it can go to all-out hostility even with close friends and with, say, longterm partners who've never done anything to suggest they're untrustworthy and can become convinced that they're scheming and devious, seeing plans and tricks everywhere. Then of course, I round on them.

That's just the immediate, emotional reaction though. Where more cold appraisals are concerned, I would like to think that I attempt to be as logical as possible. But then, I'm always putting myself in their shoes and being vigilant for the sorts of behaviour I myself would resort to. It goes without saying that I trust no one, essentially. Some are just scrutinised more closely.

My thinking is predicated on the idea that you're either predator or prey. As such, as long as I keep feasting on my enemies then I'm safe from them.

>>35573374
>i like talking with people when it suits my interests or satisfies curiosity.

Same, but even this would make you feel tired, even in a good, after some time. I'd imagine.

If you need time alone, you're most likely an introvert, for whatever that's worth.

>>35573290
Thanks for mentioning C-PTSD

I'm pretty fucking sure I have it.
Might be why I'm sooo fkin alert too all the time.

>>35573307
I feel like an introverted extrovert. I gain my resources inside. But I still love to socialize and it charges me up.

>>35573332
>Females like high foreheads
thanks


Btw to the guy who wrote that about being ugly. Look around you and at other people more if your outside. You'll realize most dudes are pretty fuckin ugly yet have nice girls.

It's about confidence mainly.

>>35573388
>I just want you to acknowledge what you're doing.

Which I too attempt to do all the time. We both know that we don't think the same and don't function the same, so don't be surprised that my motives don't fit what yours would be if you were doing what I do.

>So you're telling me when I'm most interesting to you as a means of controlling my behaviour.

I don't think you dumb enough to fall for that, I was only highlighting a fact we both know. A form of friendly poke if you want.

>What you're doing is resorting to the kinds of tactics I routinely use, so I think it's a bit rich that you pretend we're diametrically opposed.

See the above. Pointing out you like talking about yourself is very different from imagining that I fooled you into it. I do think you're smarter than that, and certainly didn't mean it as if you weren't going to see that. I thought I was more obvious than that.

>>35573388
He might not realize hes doing it yet, lad.

>>35573457
>It's about confidence mainly
I tie my part of my confidence with appearance. Sure, i wont look like model but if i cant find myself atleast tolerable then it'll feel pretty down. I wish i could say to myself "Fuck it, atleast i'm the most beautiful troll" and proceed with it.

>>35573388
>My thinking is predicated on the idea that you're either predator or prey.

Here's a scenario, you tell me what you think: someone idealised someone else, this lasts for months, then things deteriorate, and the "target" becomes absolutely hated and discarded.

There seems to be no going back, there is still rage. I don't know what kind of splitting this is.

Is it possible for you to think outside of the predator/prey model? Can you believe this isn't how I see the world at all? You're neither a predator nor a prey to me; I know you could be dangerous if I wasn't careful, but I don't see you as a danger for now (and don't think of this as a challenge).

>>35573432
>Might be why I'm sooo fkin alert too all the time.

Hyper-vigilance, yes. Clued me in on it too. I probably have it too.

Sometimes I'm feeling shit or sad. But sometimes I just feel nothing, complete nihilism.

I feel like nothing matters. Like even if I were to try my best in resolving the issues that I have.

How do I get trough these moments and not fall into addiction escaping it

>>35573627

Just on a whim, check C-PTSD.

>>35567230
bad grades and thats pretty much it, im fucked because (yea it sounds real fucking dumb especially since im in college) my parents are called to come to see my shit ass grades even tho i flunked last year and had to retake this whole year, still kinda failing but i really wanna do my shit next year im trying hard for the last part of the year I hope it works, but my problem is indeed the fact that my parents were called ):

>>35573573
Im scanning everyone like crazyyy.
I notice everything lmao

Also being awake for days at a time as a kid is probably not normal. Or coming up with the theory as a 5 year old that if you just expect the worst to happen always, the result can only be neutral or positive and thus no bad feelings :DDDD

>>35573660
>but my problem is indeed the fact that my parents were called ):

Describe them.

>>35573290
Doesn't seem quite accurate, because I don't feel motivation to do even basic things, like eat. I also do have "dreams" to an extent, but they're mostly just me being jealous of people who have talents/skills and are happy because of it.

>>35573662

That theory, from a kid, sounds like a defense mechanism. Hyper-vigilance is that too. Why were you awake for so long?

>>35573681
>Doesn't seem quite accurate, because I don't feel motivation to do even basic things, like eat.

In high alert states, eating is secondary. Fight, flight, or freeze, are the three basic reactions to danger. We've evolved for that. Your body will stop other things to focus on one of these three, so all your energy is focused on saving your ass somehow. These defenses are maladapted to today's world, of course, since you're not fighting wild animals or running away from them, or freezing so they don't see you.

>>35573648
I also learned about flashbacks. I thought it was people getting full on psychosis and thinking they're back in that scenario.

But if I'm constantly non stop thinking about shitty things that happened in the past with no way of turning it off, it's part of my pstd?

I have had things happen to spawn both PSTD and C-PSTD. Can I have both or how does this stuff work.

How do I get rid of it?

>>35573677
Well they were both honor students who moved to my country and they can't face the fact that I am fucking garbage at school, i'm tryna think of like maybe bringing my sister since she's more chill about it but I know for sure my parent's will fuck me up if they see my grades and or the principal ):

>>35573727
>But if I'm constantly non stop thinking about shitty things that happened in the past with no way of turning it off, it's part of my pstd?

It's a very clear symptom, yes.

It's in the lists.

>I have had things happen to spawn both PSTD and C-PSTD. Can I have both or how does this stuff work.

The difference is that PTSD is about precise events: an assault, near drowning, a snake attack, etc, and you get triggered by things that remind you of that event. C-PTSD is basically you constantly living in a state of alert because you spent a long time in such a state. Like everything was potential danger because you could not let your guard down, with abusive parents for instance.

>>35573745

Do you think your parents see you as a reflection of themselves instead of your own person?

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Guys, I must go to sleep now.

[email protected]

if you have a need to write.

I'll stay a few more minutes in case anyone has an important question or something.

>>35573745
You might be garbage at school. But school is for dropouts.

Are you having diffulculties doing the seemingly (and for the most part) useless stuff and memorizing things you don't give a fuck about. Or is it actually hard.

If the data isn't that hard you probably have focus issues

Years ago, I stumbled here by mistake. I am into /diy/ type stuff and thought this was about literal mechianical beep boop robots.

Why do I come back here? I am what many would be think of as the total anti thesis of a /r9k/ robot. I do love reality tv and drama and this board is just that so is that why I come back?

My visits are on/off as well. Right now I'm browsing and for the first time really shit posting. I used to lurk and have a laugh but now it's really low level hurrdurrderpderpderp tier stuff I type down. It feels so utterly ridiculous it makes me laugh even more.

Not gonna lie, I'm fairly pleased I am this easily amused.

>>35573555
It's actually one reason I enjoy these threads: we can chat without any sense of threat. These back-and-forths are just harmless fun. It's a reason I enjoy this site. I try to be careful, but the anonymity is very attractive. I eschew conventional social media for this reason.

I can definitely see how you would think in another way. I would think that it's naive not to, and you're setting yourself up to be exploited. I recognise as well that my thinking is abnormal. However, I am genuinely touched when a stranger does something kind with no obvious benefit to them. These things do happen, and it's jarring but heartening to see.

As a rule, I believe that it's right to help people where you can, but never to trust them. With the homeless for example, I like to feed them but I would never turn my back on them. Just because someone is a victim doesn't guarantee that they're a good person. I would say that I'm testament to that.

I'm not sure what you want from me with regard to your model. If you're asking whether that applies to me, I can't think of an instance of it happening. I can't think of many people - if any - whom I persistently hate.

>>35573801

Not really, kind of since they have real high honor standards and I deceive them everytime, they don't wanna understand why (wouldnt make a difference because im a lazy fuck) they're just dissapointed everytime. And i'm tired of feeling like a fucking failure to them, but I can't manage to change for some reason, i'm just scared of what's gonna happen when they'll come since i've already had to retake the year i'd be a total failure

>>35573784
Yeah I have many specific things that are very traumatizing. Like being drowned, I mentioned it earlier. I got swatted a while back. And some other things.

But I also have the C-PTSD thing most definitely.

>>35573829
Well, my teachers back in middle school or high school? not sure told me that I do probably have focus issues, it's not even that hard, mostly that I had to retake the entire year so of course it's pretty easy but I can't seem to focus in class and I can't focus on my lessons and everything. Do you have any idea of how i can fix this ?

>>35573889
>I got swatted a while back
Shit, for what?

>>35573850
>I can't think of many people - if any - whom I persistently hate.

So I might know someone whose heart is even blacker than yours. Great.

I appreciate your insights. It means a lot to me. I don't understand the way you think from an intuitive standpoint, which leaves me blind in many ways; I have to build things from scratch there, and I just can't guess stuff.

There are people I cannot wrap my mind around, and I've tried every damn model I could think of.

>>35573892
No clue bud school isn't for me.
Amphetamines help with focus. Weed helps a lot too.

I myself dropped out cus the lights were too bright (and constantly flickering fuck those fluorescent lamps) couldn't bother to go anymore at a certain point

>>35573860
>and I deceive them everytime,

Do you speak French?

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>>35573916
Energetic materials and devices.

>>35573971
indeed I do, why tho :d

>>35573956
Well, as you know I find these threads fun so I'll catch you next time. Any questions you might have, I'll probably be around. Glad to help.

>>35573971
Nick thanks for the insight, sleep well.

And whatever the fuck is going on between you and that Facet guy. U both need to relax and stop taking yourselves so seriously.

>>35573974
>Energetic materials and devices.
What the hell were you trying to make? Nuclear reactor?

>>35573996

Because you use "deceive" wrong. In English, it has the same meaning it had in French centuries ago: "tromper".

If you read Moli[e]re, "d[e]cevoir" will mean "tromper"; but you can see how the meaning changed and now means "disappoint". When the word came to the English language, it kept its old French meaning, tromper, and it still means that today.

Just like "forest" kept its "s", which was lost in French, and replaced with [a circumflex]: for[e with a circumflex]t. But it's still used for the adjective: forestier.

Stupid goddam board, I can't use accents...

How do i become more masculine personality wise? Now i'm pretty weak willed, cowardly and anxious male.

>>35574031
just a hobby thats all

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTiGSwDCUt8

>>35574014
>Nick thanks for the insight, sleep well.

Thank you.

>And whatever the fuck is going on between you and that Facet guy. U both need to relax and stop taking yourselves so seriously.

I don't think we do. I believe there's a lot I can learn from him, and possibly vice versa but I am less sure of that, mostly a matter of desire.

I have a personal need to understand all kinds of personality disordered ways of thinking, and the people who think these ways. A smart person may have more insights into such conditions when it's theirs.

>>35574049
Well thanks for enlighting me then :d

But yeah I can't help but feel like a failure I know I should, but i'm sure I can do something for the last part of the year.


man it feels good to talk to someone like that just because i'm anonymous, never done it before

>>35567230
sup leptin resistance denier

1. i communicate with the elements, spirits, and gods
2. i spend most of my time traveling through dimensions
3. i control the giant space dragon that eats moons and planets
4. i was tortured hella times
5. i have the eyes of god

>>35567230
I've had recurring nightmares of being molested since I was 3.

I'm always an over anxious stuttering highly emotional mess. I never say much in social settings except when drunk. My work ethic and attention span are shot to shit.

>>35575484
>i control the giant space dragon that eats moons and planets

tell him to eat this planet already for fuck's sake

>>35575563
nah you people would give it cancer or some shit

I'm a shaman that is cursed and blessed
>tfw lucky events happen in my life
>shortly followed by something unlucky
>vice versa
it's hell!

>>35568950
Dude i have been playing Yung lean non stop for months now