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i really cant take much more of this. i wish i wasnt too much of a coward to kill myself. i wish i wasnt afraid of walkign right out the door into homelessness. all i can do is hide. hide in literally my mother's basement. at the drop of a hat i'm suddenly blasted for the miniscule thing i've done when it is nothing compared to how i was as an awful teenager. i'm the only one that cares for family, puts any effort into anything related to it, but i'm the punching bag because i can't fight back or i'm out the door. if i was gone i dont believe it would take long for them to realize how good they've got it and not the other way around. i'm not alive for myself. i got some things out today but i wish i said more. i've never had a panic attack before now.
i never asked to be born.
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i go off on a tangent and more or less say that i want to kill myself. she just says "stop" the more i try to get a word in on the matter. is it because she feels guilty about the way i feel
it isn't like i want to hurt her feelings. or the feelings of anyone. i actively try to avoid that at all costs, i don't like hurting anyone, but expressing my feelings in almost any way seems to have that affect. why am i the one that has to suffer that way
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Doesn't sound like you wanna kill yourself
Sounds more like you wanna live differently
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>>35501764
maybe. it feels like i have the responsibilities of everyone surrounding me yet they dont even know it. like i have to act as this guardian angel and stay alive for everyone elses sake besides my own, which is why im not allowed to kill myself unless i was the only one left
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