Merely Pretending

feels like a lot of robots are real bottled up and could use some outlet. my main problem is trying to hide that i want to be around people and thrive in a group i hate knowing that it will probably never happen and i'll end up dying alone and whatever, but that's life i guess.

People in my life know I've tried to kill myself before but they think I'm fun now, it's always been this way. I have 1 outburst and then to them it's like I just miraculously got better. I still feel the same way I did those years ago, but they will never ask or want to know the gruesome details of what my mental illnesses bring me. It pisses me off. People are selfish and I am just as selfish.

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>Want to tell parents I'm suicidal
>Hear Dad talking referencing how "Depression isn't real"

What's the point in telling Normalfags? all you get for your troubles is being locked up in some mental ward

>>35229179
All I want to say is that it's shit carrying around this baggage.

>>35229179
Its good to talk to someone about your feelings, someone who cares.
Just spilling it all out is amazing and helps you move on in life, it rebuilds you.
I did it but a very little amount of it, would actually say it all if I had a girlfriend.
This is also what's great in romantic relationships, you have a person to share all of your pain and receive positive feedback and vice versa.

You can do it with family or close friends but I myself can't bring myself to do that, last person I talked with about my emotions was a girl and I feel I could do it better with a girl I'm connected romantically.

But I guess the universe has other plans for me since I didn't have a girlfriend for 14 years

>>35229179
>told dad I almost jumped when I was a kid
>only time I've put my depression/anxiety/trash-for-brains/whatever the fuck you call it on the table
>"shut up and cut the drama you little shit"

I'll never make the mistake of telling someone my problems again. Nothing good could ever possibly come of it, and no one would care in the first place

The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that I could hang myself from a doorknob at any time.

>>35229179
I know that feel all too well. The consequences of telling someone simply isn't worth it.
At the very least it will hose your reputation and at worst it will get you locked up and ostracized.

>>35229179

I am.

The only people I could talk to about my depression are my parents, all my mom could say is "yeah..." and my dad "jesus christ, son i was sad once and I got over it"

they have no idea how scrambled my brains are from years of this shit.

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>tfw the world goes by too fast
>tfw disconnected from reality
>tfw it's hard to live when you think everybody hates you
>tfw you'll never be the reason for anybody's happiness
>tfw wanna die
>tfw nobody to tell all this to except for an anonymous image board

>>35229553

you aren't alone, my friend.

I can truly relate to all of those things. I hope it eventually gets better for you, anon.

>>35229179
yup

I've never told anyone that I've basically been various levels of miserable for the past 5 years or so. I highly doubt they'd be able to help or console me in any kind of a meaningful way, so there's no point in giving them extra shit to worry about, especially my family.

Also it's just embarrassing. I have one of the easiest, most unstressful lives out of anyone I know and I still hate it and myself. How could I possibly bitch about that to someone else who would give anything to be in my position?

>>35229705
>Also it's just embarrassing. I have one of the easiest, most unstressful lives out of anyone I know and I still hate it and myself. How could I possibly bitch about that to someone else who would give anything to be in my position?

This. I have a life some would consider a dream, but I hate myself.

And I've never trusted anybody enough to talk about it. If you tell someone something personal and the friendship goes sour that's one more thing to be used against you

>>35229608
It's good to know I'm not alone in this.

But I was thinking last night, about this life in heading towards. I know that I'll regret every decision I'll make, and that even if I take any other alternative I'll still regret it. There's no way to happiness in this life. Every day, every horrible little event will just lead to another shirt day. What kind of life is this where a person will only be lead to a rotten end with regret, despair, and hatred for everything?

>>35229179
All the time, OP. It's not like it's easy to talk about suffering, especially when you've only known suffering.

>"mom I've considered suicide from the torment and ridicule I get from my siblings and sometimes you and dad but you can't tell them because it will make it worse"
>later
>sister comes up to me
>makes fun of me
>I cry
>"why don't you go cry to mom again lmao"

This was the moment I started hating my mom.

>Recently it all came crashing down and dropped out of uni
>Despite best judgement, simply and firmly messaged my mum saying I quit
>Come home to visit sister for her birthday
>Go to barber my family have visited for years
>"So I heard you dropped out of uni"

Fucking crushed me man, the fact that not even a few days later and someone as distant as my fucking hairdresser knows. Embarassing. I hate myself.

no one will give a fuck about your depression

i dont say this to be a prick and insult you

I say it because I know it myself.

Every girl has looked at me in pity and as weak

my parents look at me with shame

I look at myself with shame every time i look in the mirror

Nothing is filling the void

I wish I wasnt such a pussy and would just eat a bullet allready.

This is something that I guess we have to deal with by ourselves....

Also your friends wont deal with it because they are struggling to be happy on their own and they dont want you to drag them down...

its just so fucked anons, completey fubar.

>>35229751

That's something I struggle with as well. I just can't seem to be satisfied with anything. For me at least, I think the feeling comes from being too sensitive to how I'm perceived by others, which affects my decision making. So I have options in life, but always subconsciously pick the safer and less rewarding path so I don't end up making waves, if that makes sense.

not sure if that's true for you, though.

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>>35229826

True, no one can give a flying fuck about our problems. We either deal with it or embrace death.

>tfw the idea of telling someone I'm depressed feels deeply embarrassing

It's like admitting you can't dress yourself

>>35229955

i found this cool girl who was local and we became friends and i went to go bail her out of a jam because I actually cared about her and she ghosted me for it.

I am truly undesirable.

>>35230131

It's tragic how so much of what makes life worth bearing must be given by other people. It feels deeply unfair.