test post pls ignore

it always went in the same pattern.
my mom back then was already thoroughly broken.
My dad was drunk, raging, aggresive, and started talking himself into more and more rage.
There was no way out of that, never.
Then there was a trigger, like a wrong word, or no word, or not looking correctly, or not answering to his delight.
i was just a kid witnessing that shit like its godgiven, like what can a 8 year old do?
this time, after the beating had begun, she was crying, screaming, and i was jumping up from my bed and instead of covering my ears as usually i jumped in front of my mom and told him to beat me instead of her.
That did stop him for that night, he went away for having a lone walk, i was crying, my mom was crying, scared, panicked, full of adrenaline.
It didn't change anything, but it was the one experience that i still remember today, at 27.

The whole thing carried on after that, up until the point where he broke her nose some years later, i think i was like 10, and my mom took me and we ran away.
After one week of being somewhere, sleeping in hotels and taking care of her broken nose, my dad called her and apologized (he always usually apologized the next day just to beat her up again later.
He also told her he will jump in front of a train now, he apologized for destroying the family (we are 3 brothers).
My mom set him an ultimatum, like a last chance, to never touch alcohol again or she will leave him forever. He agreed, we came back home, and he never touched a drip of alcohol ever again. That was 17 years ago.

Now, he did become a better man ever since then, and my dad and mom are now married for almost 30 years.
My little bro is 21, studying in the UK, my big brother is 34, doing something but mainly just smoking weed, and i am 27... and ironically i moved back home and live with my parents again.
We opened a business together in 2015 which is not running too bad, but not really good either.

cont.

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theres just one thing that i unfortunately cant control.
When you witness this cruel shit as a kid, something is broken.
The two persons you trust and love the most, the ones you have the strongest binding to - when you see your this person of trust beating up the other person you rely your life on.... that destroyed my ability to feel trust ever since.

The thing it also did, it made me hate my dad.
Deep inside, i have a feeling of disgust of him.
I want to be as far away from him as possible.
When he eats, the noises he makes while eating... man, i really don't want to feel these things but it is just hate.
I can't really talk to him either, i just dont want to. It's like two magnets with same poles, they will never stick together.
Now, for the sake of the business and just in daily life, i swallow this feelings and just communicate like a normal human being, but the feeling deep inside me, i can't fix it.
I laugh with him, i laugh when he tells stories, my parents have a healthy relationship, we are doing not too bad financially, the whole company thing is kind of an adventure for all of us.
But in the end of the day, i just want to be away from him.
Far, far away, and never see him again.
I am in the wrong place.
He has no idea. I never told him, in fact, I never told anyone, maybe not even myself.
But i have to admit, if i was out of his force zone, i would be happy and free for the first time in my life.
Being around him just puts a strong drain on my mood. His strictness and shit is still the same, he even comes to my bedroom at night and looks after me.
I dont know, this whole living and working with my dad thing does not work at all.
But i have too many responsibilities to just quit now.
We are nearing the $1M yearly revenue and have around 20 employees, we build quite the nice company in the last 3 years.
But then i have these thoughts, like if he was dead, i would be free. I asked myself, how would i feel if he would be dead?
I can`t type it out. gn8

op, it's your therapist, you are currently going through PTSD of your childhood, it's good that your getting this stuff to the open. I suggest that You don't get angry at your dad, he has redeemed himself from what he has done in the past, and it seems like you are just looking for a reason to hate him, as you always have. It's time for you to forgive the past and live a neet life. Godspeed OP