ITT: Post a random entry from your diary

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>open up journal, rarely ever read my old entries
>handwriting is near unintelligible scribble, looks like someone who was locked up for years on the brink of madness
>incoherent rambling, jumping from topic to topic between sentences with no link between them
>mostly just concerns my general mental state and how much I detest society and life in general, almost no mention of actual events that occurred for context
>these go on for several pages at a time

I'm not even gonna try to contribute to this thread.

>>35200661
All of mine are super long and really whiny, but here's a short one from about a month ago.

>Gosh. I've been getting these headaches. I keep feeling really lost. Like I can't find the words. I hope it's not serious. I keep losing short term memory objects. I can't seem to figure out what it is. I don't have much else to say.

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>>35200661
>tfw kept a very detailed journal as a kid
>had my nightmares in it, my fetishes, my deepest fears and concerns
>one day walk in on my mother and father reading it with my little brother and sister
>I am so fucking distraught
>they cannot console me
>never write a diary again

That was 20 years ago and I still refuse to keep one out of well-founded paranoia.

Lately I've been attached to a girl named Emily and, as per usual, she's become my driving force to go to school. For the first half of school we've been in 1st and 6th period together which was great but during the second half we were split apart in both classes. It's been really difficult to just let go and I know why. She's become one of my good friends and now I don't get to see her anymore. I tried to ask her if she wanted to chill and catch up a bit and that would have been the last time we were together but I fucked that up somehow. When she said "Bye, Chris" as I was walking away, it pierced my heart and felt as if that's be our last encounter. I just wanna chill with a friend after school for the first time in years. I'm always jumping from girl to girl because I'm looking for a partner. Someone to be attached to. Someone to love, but that'll never happen. I'm attempting to get over it by telling myself that I've been here before many times. Hopefully it'll work. Now that she's gone, who will be next?

>>35201328
how fucking shitty can they even be

10/11/16

Today's the best day of my life!
I finally asked out Andrew and he said yes <3
Can't believe I was gonna kill myself on the 13th, thank god he saved me life.

I hope I can be with him forever.
I'm gonna invite him over.

>>35201413
my dude I have so many stories it's retarded, but that's not what this thread is about
point is you can't trust the people you live with

>>35201447
no i agree, i once sent a really personal email to my dad because of an argument and then i found he had showed it to everyone in the family. Never trusted him again after that and he knows it and it pains him, which is great.

I don't keep a paper diary anymore. Like >>35201328, I caught my mom reading it. I do keep an online document as journal hosted on Google Drive. It's safe enough. But I rarely update it.

An interesting part of one of the entries:


April 22nd, 2014.
22:39
"Tomorrow I'll take better care of my body. I must do it. I had a little accident in my pants today. It was too shameful to convey into words. Suffice to say that the food I had for lunch didn't like me as much as I liked it. I just had a shower and noticed that I'm running out of underwear. I won't have one for tomorrow. It will be another hellish swampy-ass day."

As long as I have her, I have a reason to live. She says that I was a warm light, and that our connection was magnetic. "There's always a reason to smile!". I hear it everyday, replaying those words in my mind. I feel as if I could just reach out and touch her...
My feet come off the ground, and I float through the sky against the chocolate colored sky, the colors wrapping themselves around me as a gentle wind caresses my face. I feel something tapping against me, and I look behind me. There she is, on my back, her tail wagging. When I noticed her, she had the happiest look on her face. I went on, finally happy, finally content with life.

And then it all fell apart. Everything around me shaky, crumbling, unstable. I opened my eyes, and there I was.

Dreams are great, aren't they?

>>35201744
1. This is not a journal entry, this a very short story, isnt it?
2. And anyways you are a writer, i can tell.
3. Still im not sure if she is a cat girl or a literal animal.

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>Tfw my life isn't interesting enough so every page is just "Not much happened today, i didn't end up talking to oneitis either, i'll do it tomorrow i swear"

Are diary entries for therapy acceptable? I have nearly 50 pages from 8 months of exposure therapy.

>>35202097
Yes, those are fine. Pls post.

>>35202264
For context, this was for exposure therapy for intrusive homicidal/necrophilic thoughts from severe OCD. I haven't edited any of this, just corrected a typo here and there.

"In in a cemetery very late at night and I have a shovel with me. I have a knot in the pit of my stomach, just knowing something is going to go horribly wrong but I'm compelled to keep moving forward and find a nice, secluded spot. There's a couple of large trees and mausoleums around me so I have some privacy and I start digging. It takes me awhile to get down there. I move with no efficiency but I finally hit the coffin, open it up, and there's a relatively fresh body inside. They were just buried that day. I get down into the coffin with them, abandoning all pretense of getting the body out and taking it anywhere. I crawl in and get comfortable. I start holding it. Running my hands up and down the body.

I have a scalpel with me and I cut small pieces off of the body to take back with me. I put them away, put my fingers inside of the holes that I've made and touch myself with them. I spend what feels like hours down there, until the sun comes up. I try to get all of the grime and filth off of me, to no avail. I climb out, I have some other clothing with me and I change as quickly as possible, praying no one will see me."

(Need another post to finish)

>>35202422
"I fill up the grave as quickly as I can but just as I'm about to finish, I hear someone shout, "HEY!" and they quickly walk towards me. They've spotted me. I'm dying. I drop the shovel, turn, and run as fast as I can- but I fall and I twist my ankle. I try to stand up and walk on it, but I immediately fall back down. It's sprained or something bad and I can't move it. I'm completely panicked, trying to crawl away from this guy as he's telling me to stop, that he's calling the police and I'm just running over and over in my head the last couple of hours that I've spent, trying to justify that it was worth what's about to happen to me.

He keeps me there, watches me, I can't get away and eventually I stop trying to crawl. Eventually security shows up. No weapons, but they do cuff and detain me until the real authorities arrive. While I'm waiting I can hear them talking about me. They're disgusted. Shaking their heads. It's absolutely fucking killing me. I can't stand it. I try to block it out, focus on anything else, but I can't.

Eventually the cops arrive. They take me away, confiscate my things. I'm brought to the station, go through the whole rigamarole, and again, when I'm brought to my cell I can hear the officers that brought me in and how completely revolted they are by me. Calling me a freak, asking what the hell is wrong with me and I cannot fucking stand it. I take out a very small knife that I was hiding on my person. I try to kill myself with it. I thrust it as hard as I can into my neck, try to drag it across my throat, but the cops immediately see what I'm doing. They burst into the cell, tackle me to the ground, get the knife out of my hands and in time patch me back up."

(Lots of even more tedious details here, gonna skip ahead. One more post.)

>>35202560
Eventually I get to speak with a lawyer and while I'm talking with them they ask what the extent of the crime was. I can't hold it all in any longer and I confess to doing this with all sorts of bodies - at funeral homes, in cemeteries, I'm sobbing hysterically and I can't stop talking no matter how ashamed and disgusted with myself I am.

There isn't much they can do. The incident gets some media attention. My family and what friends I have left, they all find out about it. I'm not sentenced to life or death, I get quite a few years. I know, though, that I'll never be able to get another job, to own a house, for anyone to hear my name without the fear of them knowing. That I'll have wasted away for years and years with nothing to comfort me but the memory of something I know I can't have.

Some years later, when I'm free again, as soon as I can I purchase a gun. When I get back to my hovel of a home I blow my brains out.'

>>35202628
Damn, all that drama just for some harmless necrophilia. Dont feel any guilt anon.

I have been keeping a journal since I was 15. Unfortunately, I am on my break at work so I cannot access them right now. There's such a goldmine of cringe and some really beautiful memories and thought processes. When I feel like writing and I do not have my journals nearby, I have to resort to my Note app on my phone. So here is an excerpt from a while back. I still have the rope with the noose tied hidden in my room. Obv never went through with it.

I don't know what I am anymore. This is strange because I always change. There's a constant need to evaluate myself. I could be an expert at introspection, whatever that's worth.

It's all a blur now. Some days I am full of dopamine, others I wish to hurt myself; if only a little. But one thing has always been ongoing. Suicide.

Even when I'm happy, I still obsess over death. My own death. Killing myself. Hanging myself. Drowning myself. Shooting myself. Jumping off a high place. Setting myself on fire. I think about suicide every day. In the past, it was just thoughts. I still feared death. But now all my self preservation is gone. I no longer need compassion. I don't get lonely. I prefer it. What makes me think the most is the fact that I think it's going to happen finally. I'm going to die.

I've started the process. I'm buying a rope tonight. I can't believe it. I'm not even scared. I can feel my own death. It's really strange knowing it'll all be over soon

>>35202659
Thanks dude. It's extremely fucking difficult not to though. I can't help but think of the family and friends and loved ones of the deceased and what they would think if they knew how I felt towards their corpse. Sure, some people are surprisingly okay with it, but what about the ones that aren't? What about all of the laws against it? What about the risk of disease and infection?

>>35202768
Well you arent really harming anyone and the infection thing is not a big deal, just try to be careful and if you die, well, you die. Also who gives a shit about laws. A corpse is just an object, people who treat them with respect and pay fortunes to have them on a beautiful box under the dirt are retarded. And for the record yes, i dont give a shit if someone sticks a flag up my butt and waves me over the eiffel tower once im dead, im not there anymore. On the other side your fetish IS abnormal and disgusting to others but since you arent harming anyone for real (unlike acting pedophiles) you shouldnt worry. Is not something you can really control, probably. Just try to be secretive about it (thats a lost point right now but oh well, no much more you can do). Or just move somewhere far away and restart this time trying to be sure they dont catch you. Or try with dolls maybe? I dont know the charm of necrophilia so i dont know if its a good replacement. I do love the idea of having someone unmoving to touch freely.

>>35202931
I want to agree with you so, so fucking bad but I have to disagree with pretty much everything you said

I have people in my life that care about me, and I want to live for quite awhile longer than I currently have. A consequence of that is avoiding getting sick, and corpses are riddled with disease. There's only so much protection you can use... if I can get pinkeye from cleaning mold out of my windows when I'm wearing gloves, masks and eye protection, I can get far, far worse from a dead body. Also as a law abiding citizen that appreciates all of the benefits that society has to offer, I definitely give a shit about laws. I completely agree with you that it's retarded how much reverence corpses are treated with given that they're just a bunch of (extremely lewd) rotten flesh, but I can't just ignore the feelings people have towards the dead for the sake of me getting off.

Lastly I CAN control myself, that's the only reason I'm making this post right now. It's my extreme self-control that's kept me from callously acting on what I want most, for my sake, with no regard for others. I want to be able to be with what I love and not hurt anyone else, but no matter where I live, no matter how secretive I am, the second someone IRL finds out about it it's all over.

Dolls do not decompose and have no flesh so they hold no interest for me. Believe me, I've tried to be with them, but they just aren't good enough. There's no substitute for the real thing I'm afraid.

Sorry if I'm being a turbo-off-topic-faggot. I'm drunk again and trying to not derail the thread too hard while still replying to a really nice, well-thought out post.

>>35200661
I looked at my diary that I stopped updating like 5 months ago since I'm a lazy piece of shit, but most entries contain a lot of very specific information, and honesty, they are pretty cringeworthy. It's sad to look back and see how I failed to achieve every single thing I wanted to achieve. I got fatter, stopped running, and didn't learn anything in the last 5 months (I failed a ton of classes in the first two semesters, so I took a semester off to study, but obviously I didn't study anything, just spent every day watching movies and browsing 4chan, and if I leave the university now, I'll be $3000 in debt with no skills and motivation to do anything (yuro country, university would be free if I finished my degree and didn't leave the country to work abroad)).

>>35203073
Its okay, dont worry.

I just tend to act against all forms of repression if the fetish is not harmful. For me as long as you dont get discovered its all alright (althought you have a great point on the infection thing). I might be really amoral but i actually think im a good person, is just that one has to be free on this world. But

if you have found a sort of peace in your self control, then its alright too. I congratulate you with that. To come with terms with feelings and desires that arent inside the common norm its a difficult thing to do, and to let go might lead you to a path of self destruction. Even when i tend to encourage those things, i have a lot of self control in other aspects to i understand what you mean anon.

Anyways enough, good luck

>>35203213
We may disagree on a few points but it means a great deal to me to hear someone speak reasonably about this subject. Thank you very much for your kind words and encouragement.