Greentext stories

I had the strangest day:

>be me
>have Weetabix and a cup of tea for breakfast
>post on /r9k

>get drunk at friends house
>he have a bottle of vodka
>I dare him to drink it all
>we agree to drink half each
>next day i wake up on his couch
>it smells like piss
>my shirt is all wet
>friend's asleep in his bed, the shirt he wore the day before is wet aswell
>it seems we pissed on eachother

>with friend whose dick i used to suck
>he wanted me to suck his dick but i didnt want to
>he made me suck his dick anyway
>cried while sucking a dick

>>35118570
See, I've never understood Weetabix. I can have three of the cereal cakes and not feel full at all, not even as I finish it. I don't want to take more because I feel like a pig but I need a more sustainable breakfast. I'm also really skinny too so it's not just like I'm a fatbro or anything

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>>35118782
Oatmeal my friend. It will make you feel stuffed for hours.

>>35118550
>wake up
>eat breakfast
>start shitposting on 4chan while looking for ecchi
I really don't like this too much.

>take shit
>wipe ass
>think 'i hate wiping away muddy shit'

> decide to stop playing vidya, start jerking off to porn way too much
> decide to give up porn, start shitpost to fill the void
> decide to stop shitposting, start smoking weed to fill the void
> decide to stop smoking weed, back to playing vidya
> haven't had a gf in 10 years and I'm a 33 year old betamax
> have $375,000 and no debt though, looking to retire to SE Asia in the next few years so I've got that going for me.

I'm going to sit around in pajamas and play Link to the Past today.

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Part 1
>be uni student
>it's reading week
>friend keeps sending me party invites on Xbox live to play Halo 5
>whatafaggot.jpeg
>ignores all of them, continue to play Far Cry 3
>he texts me saying he knows I'm online even tho I've made myself offline
>says whenever he goes to play a 360 game it tells him I'm online even if I'm set offline
>pokerface.gif
>immediately turn off my Xbox, sucks because I really wanted to play Far Cry for the thousandth time in the past two days
>text him back telling him I'm doing school work and never got his invites
>tfw this was my excuse all the times I was (((working))) during the school year and pretended that I couldn't game
>he texts back reminding me it's reading week and the activity feed shows I've gotten about a hundred achievements in the last hour
>ignore that text, need to beat the fuck out to pretend like I'm busy
>turn off my Xbox and walk into my rented house's living room
>go up to my Chad roommate
>"Hey Chad tell me you're doing something tonight, I gotta pretend like I'm working so Faggot Holmes will leave me alone"
>"Actually anon there's a party tonight I'm going to, wanna come with?"
>"Sure" I said
>Not REALLY a normie but still go to parties and went to my uni formal
>Chad friend and I walk to party
>normieshindig.wmv
>go to drinks
>get a little too much
>get drunk fast af, not the first time I've drank myself into a stupor
>think to myself that I'm drunk enough to embarrass myself in front of some Chads, Stacy's and normies
>go to the dance floor
>music is blasting loud as fuck
>start dancing like Commander Shepard
>girl goes through the front door
>clearly new arrival, sober af
>walks up to me
>start sweating profusely
>"hey anon"
>"h-h-hi"
>"mind if I rest my head on your shoulder?"
>what?
>usually socially awkward faggot but I'm drunk so I say sure
>Girl rests her head on my shoulder
>dontgetharddontgetharddonrgethadd
>get hard
>but still don't wanna lose my virginity to some random 6/10 whore

>>35120799
was she really only 6/10?
pls continue anon

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>>35120799
Part 2
>she grabs me by the dick and smiles
>"wanna go back to my place?"
>oh god please no
>too drunk to say anything
>drags me back to her place
>throws me on her bed
>puts handcuffs on me and chains me to it
>starts to take off her clothes
>fucks me HARD
>after she's done she rolls off the bed with me still chained and says "you've got such a big dig anon"
>"y-you too"
>tfw she starts taking pictures of me with her phone
>tfw I could've avoided being raped if I just accepted that party invite

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>>35120875
>tfw you aren't a robot anymore

The ending obviously is embellished but this is the story of my friend blowing me off and ended up getting sex with a sober chick when he was drunk.

>tfw I am the guy sending those invites

>buy beer
>drop one can
>it doesn't break, but becomes large as hell
>put it back

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Rolling for two or more digits of the same numeric worth.

>>35120481
You wanna send a nigga a 100 this way?

>>35121739
I didn't get this money by giving it away, Jamal

>>35121790
C-Can you buy me Csgo in steam?

>>35121790
But my name is Brandon

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>>35118550
>be me
>33
>married twice
>every woman I've ever been with I stole from another man
>relationships fall apart at the 2 year mark
>Never realized this pattern till this last gf I had
>will never "date" married/taken or otherwise spoken for women again
>The upside to dating these women is they are all complete whores in the bed
>downside is they are all completely devoid of any self control or ability to be content
>considering dating a 18-22 year old female
>inb4 hurr hurr y u no date old womenz
>don't try it, faggot
>I've always dated older women than me, by at least 5 years
>only dated 2 women younger than me
>the last gf was younger
>both times it was a collosal fucking mistake
>also considering dating older females who can't have children, or theirs are grown and moved out.
>Not sure who the next victim will be
>hopefully the next one sticks

>>35120875
I'm sorry anon

I'm sorry anon

>>35121824
Yeah what's your steam ID

Just kidding, get a job

>>35121905
Nice try, Jamal

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This is a good story

Fried Chicken original

>>35120481
What do you do for a living? I'm also 33, but a worthless broke NEET with an employment gap of several years.

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>>35122265
>nice, if degenerate girl who loves video games and not wearing pants

Fugggg

>inb4 phonepost
Laying in bed while on 4chan is about as robot as you can get aside from being dead

>>35118570
Chocolate weetaBix is the best imo desu
Banana sucks dick and makes your burps smell later on

>wake up after studying for tests for weeks on end that I just finished on friday
>don't do anything
>feel like a slob again

I don't want to live this life anymore it's all so boring

>>35120481
How are you so rich?

>>35122265
It certainly is made me feel happy inside
Still fucking degenerate

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>>35122920
Patti Segundo deso