Just Say Something, It Might Make You Feel Better

>>35086567
Damn dude. I don't have a mother. I found solace and comfort in music, particularly Pink Floyd. I don't usually listen to that kind of music but those guys give me the emotional fulfillment I need.

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>>35086567
>tfw you've lost the ability to cry, and have been drained of all emotion

>>35086707

Yeah I find music helpful. I listen to it and sometimes make my own, but over the last year I have kind of stopped.

I have a feeling I'm slowly making my way out of this life. All the things that used to give me pleasure I have slowly lost interest in. I quit my job on a whim. I have stopped reading books which was one of my favourite things.

Now I spend my days mostly in silence, drinking until it's time to go to bed. I'll maybe cry for a bit and then take some benzos or sleeping pills.

Wake up and repeat.

I relieve the same moment over and over in my head nearly a decade ago when I was standing in the rain with the only girl I've ever had a crush on outside of her apartment and I couldn't find it in me to ask her out. We spent nearly a year talking to each other but never dating. I tried to fool myself into thinking she wasn't good enough, but in the end she clicked the most with me out of anyone I've met in my entire life. It's been a while since the last time I saw her, almost 5 years.

>>35086849

Is there any way you could contact her?

Having parents is important when you're young, but once you're an adult you need to be able to tread water on your own. MOmmy and daddy can't help you in the real world unless they have connections, its sink or swim. Its eat or die of starvation. If you're in your 20's and still dependent on mommy and daddy real life is going to stomp a mud hole in your face.

I'm an alcoholic who ruined the only relationship I've ever felt close to someone with.
I am caught in a hell of hating myself and knowing that I'm only going to spiral into alcoholism even more with no end. I'd kill myself if I could, but I can't do that to my family.
I've quit so many times, but alcohol is so ingrained in every aspect of modern life I always fall back into it

>>35086971

I'm not dependent on my parents, but when I'm alone at night I can't help thinking about my father.

>>35086993

I hope you find a way out of it, anon. Do you know what caused you to start drinking?

My dad, whom was white decided to fuck my African mum, leaving me in the world confused about who or what I am.

He then decides to die, and leave me when I need him most causing ne childhood trauma, so now I'm a mixed pos with daddy issues

Not to mention I was a /pol/ack and hated myself for the better part of two years.

If you're reading this Dad, even though you're dead, I hate you. I fucking despise yoi for ever having me, and I'm glad our family ostracized you for having an African wife, you died when I needed you most.

It felt good writing that.

>>35087290

But mixed raced people are cool and get all the attention now.

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>>35087151
Thanks man. It's a miserable lifestyle and normies don't understand the whole "why don't you just quit drinking?" meme
It's genetic probably.
My father was an alcoholic for years but eventually quit. His father and uncles all died around 40 of alcoholism
I really want to quit, but it's like hunger. The desire to drink only gets stronger every day I stay sober.

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Girl i love told me a couple hours ago that she doesn't feel the same way about me and never will. That we can only ever just be friends. I want to cry but i can't... I just can't let it out. I'm alone.

>>35088902
Same anon just wanted to add that it's hard for me to fit in where i live. I'm half German and Black and most black people where i live are stereotypical. Because i actually want to do something with my life i'm a sellout. Get told I'm handsome by people but i never been on a date or had a girlfriend. My hole just gets deeper and deeper.

>>35086971

And if your parents fail to raise you the right way while you're still a child, you'll never become a fully developed adult no matter what you do after you've reached the arbitrary age of 18.

I saw La La Land recently. It gave me a good cry.

>>35086567
I'm really sorry you never had a relationship with your dad. Some people are just pieces of shit, it's not your fault. I guess on the upside, when he dies you wont be devastated, kinda dodging that bullet. When mine goes... I won't be able to function for years without anti depressants.

>>35086567
all hail to another confession

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There was this girl in highschool that I really, really liked. We didn't talk often but just from the moments that we did I could tell that she was so special and unique. She wasn't like all the other girls in my highschool, who were all loud/obnoxious or involved in childish drama and shit like that, she was very quiet and reserved, but talkative in the right situations. She wasn't weird, she had a large group of friends and she was pretty normal. She wasn't particularly hot or anything like that, but I didn't care. She just seemed so perfect for me, but I was always too much of a beta bitch to actually talk to her for any extended period of time.

I still hate myself for that all these years later.

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OP this makes me really fuckin sad. I really really hope you get better

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I'm schizoaffective, bipolar type. I don't know what means. That here is resent trend. My mind is melting. Like a week ago I spend a good ten or so minutes trying to speak about a problem I was having with the person I talk to who I also don't know who she is. Also, I'm not going to fix any types in this because that is apart of it even those I ust fixed some because I'm a shit.

My mind just doesn't work. Like when typing works don't make it to the keyboard or out of my mouth. I spent ten minutes or so all but literally babbling. I'm insane and I can't do anything. It's troubling. It's worse when certain things happen and I start itching and hitting things or speaking but no words come out. I'm so much more crazy now than a year a ago. When people say they're crazy xD it makes my angry. A lot of people are quite fucking sane when compared to me. Even my body starts just moving and I can't stop it.

Living with my grandparents again because my druggie mother kicked me out. At least I'm not homeless again. If the SSI goes through I get a lump sum of all the time it's taken to get it, which will be like 21 grand. I'd really like to buy an RV or a boat just to meme. That would be pretty great. Not sure what the point of this was. I don't know what the point to this was. Typos stopped because started chicken (but not really) pecking while looking at the screen and fixing typos because I don't want to look like an illiterate shit.

I'm twenty-one. I run this shit.

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>>35089352
Life is hell

I hope you find some joy

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>>35086567
Hm let's see

I did alot allot of gay shit with a cousin of mine at a young age and was also molested

That gave me alot of guilt and sadness for alot of my young childhood


I got pretty severe brain damage from a golf ball at 4, I was still a very smart kid (99th percentile, always way to mature, knew a ridiculous amount facts), but I've lived my entire life knowing I'll never reach my true potential. I also have poor memory, im kinda weird in the head, and I have poor motor function

I can't explain why but I've never loved my mother, infact I've resented her since I was in preschool.

I got my appendix removed after it almost burst inside me at 4, I got a very bad infection while in the hospital that made it painful to go to the bathroom, this combined with my stomach being fucked up after the surgery meant that I was constipated to the point of extreme stomach pain until like 7th grade

Fuck me some my worst memories have to do with that stuff, Im not gonna go into it

Stomach issues combined with poor motor skills and over protective parents means that I never played sports, spent way too much time inside, and got really fat

This is a minor complaint but my dad was gone half the time when I was a kid because he worked in Alaska and my mom was always super busy with her job

I ended up becoming an atheist at like 6, and a euphoric fedora by like 11-12, i thought all the typical bullshit like "omg love is just brain chemicals it doesn't even matter" and other shit to avoid having to face the fact that I was a waste of skin


Part 1/?

>>35089949
Going along with that brain damage is the fact that according to the doctors I lost a quarter of my memories

It fucked up alot of the things I was learning at the time

I had to relearn my abc's and to this day I can only remember the order of the letters if I sing them to that tune in my head

I never learned to ride a bike or tie my shoes, each time I try and learn those things I forget them like nothing. I swear that specific part of my brain is fucked

Oh also I went from being a mini Chad who was super competitive, outgoing, etc To a kid who just... wasnt

Going back to elementary school, I was always bored and never fucking tried. I got into gt classes after getting Max scores on all sorts of tests

My test scores actually got lower over the years, probably do too me getting less and less sleep all the time and doing nothing with my time (didn't really have many friends, was super lazy)

2/?

Im gonna talk about middle school next

There needs to be another WWI
for the millennials to die en masse in it
I always come back to r9k when I need to feel better about myself
jesus christ people pick your balls off of the floor
no one gives a fuck!

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>>35090140
One more early childhood thing, my sexuality developed really early, I remember getting super attached to girls way before I should have even cared about women

I was attracted to a female cousin and my own mom at some point, also I had sexual dreams at like 4

Also as a kid I'd always have crushes on girls for years but never talk to them because I knew I was trash


Fuck me hold up I just had a memory, so in 4th grade I actually had a couple friends, mainly some 6th graders in my gt class that went to this advanced school (I barely failed to get in to it, and I hadn't studied at all.)

Come 5th grade though they were all gone, on the first or second day some girl that was sitting next to me at lunch (she was by her group) said "aww all your friends are gone" and I cried just a little bit silently

Oh another memory, when I was like 3 or 4 I stole eggs out of a birds nest and cracked them open. I saw the little bird fetuses and immediately "knew" what I had done. I hid the tiny bodies under a pillow

Oh another memory, I had gotten into fetish porn by like 3rd grade and felt guilty as fuck over that

Another memory, it was the start of summer before middle school and it was an early morning

There were 2 beds in my room, my friend was sleeping in one and I had just woke up, I started stealthily jacking off because fuck it, and thinking about this cute blonde girl, but I just couldn't finish

I ended up looking at my friend and thinking of him and I came

That was a fun thing to have too think of all summer, it didn't help that that friend started to act kinda gay around me too

I basically had uncontrollable gay thoughts for a bit in 7th grade


Tbh lads I dont know how much longer I can write all this out, im not really liking remembering all this stuff

>>35090243
I dont let these things affect me, but the point of the thread is too talk about them

>>35090140
>I had to relearn my abc's and to this day I can only remember the order of the letters if I sing them to that tune in my head
if it's any consolation, most people do this, there's nothing wrong with it

I last saw the only real woman I loved 1 year, 4 months, 17 days ago
I don't know how I feel about her anymore
I don't know how I feel about anything anymore
I once felt love, I'm pretty sure of it.
I don't know if I ever received it, and I'm not sure if I did, that I would have even known it
I thought I felt love between me and a unreal entity, between me and my God, and between me and this woman
That entity is dead, I feel distanced from God, and the woman is married to someone else, someone better
I want to say I've never received love, just to feel the cortisol and cry and feel something relatively good
Then I think about how often I've been alone in life and how often that was my plan of choice
Then again it was my only option
Maybe I wasn't loved but then I look at myself and see why I wasn't but that makes me question why anyone else got it
Why did other parents unconditionally love or even care about their children
Why were they able to develop a healthy understanding of human relationships in a give and take stance and learn self-sufficiency when it came to homeostasis and belonging
I can't say I care to know the answer if there was one, maybe I was meant to suffer in bitterness
Maybe I need to die like this, maybe that's why I was made
I should just die, but I don't have the courage; I should just live, but I don't have the strength

>>35090243
>another ww1
Was this a mistake or are you just enthusiastic about that ww in particular

>>35087663
The socially agile ones do. Life is hard for the rest of us.

>>35086567
im 29 and my alcoholic father is dead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa2XnouRXKo

>>35086567
op i wrote this
>>35092108


i have the same bio as you. sad to see this is a common tale. i am considering writing a book about all the tragedy leading up to my fathers death in 2012

Same here man. I am now 20 and still waiting for that awesome childhood.

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Most of my social interaction these days is online. My romance/sex life is purely ERP with online friends-with-benefits. I still try to be a good friend outside of the ERP though.

I'm actually really paranoid about my behavior with those friends because two different times I got blocked by people I was on good terms with and have no idea what I did. I could be acting like a total creeper and am not even aware of it.

Ever since my dad suddenly died of cancer a couple years ago I've harbored a delusion that I'm living in the wrong reality and that this isn't the "real" timeline. Every dream I have that involves my family, my dad's still there like nothing happened. I like to think those dreams are the "real" timeline.

>>35086567

i pretend my pillow is a thick girlfriend and i just touch my pillow alot

>>35086567
I never met my dad, and I never will. I'll never even know when he dies, or how he dies. I will never know what he looks like, what he sounds like, or what his name is.

I tind it hard to relate to people on most levels. They talk about problems and mine are always worse. They talk about their life in general and mine is worse. My life isnt even that bad, maybe its the people im around and they just need a privulege check.
I dont agree with other peoples thought process often. The one that really annoys me is that you cant give up. There is nothing stopping me from dropping out and moving to another state tonorrow.
I dont find people interesting. I dont even care if they have shared interests with me. No one i talk to is passionate about anything they only talk about Work, school, politics and its a turn off

>>35092694
I'll often have dreams of myself in extraordinarily detailed and complex alternate realities. I'm not a fraction as creative in my waking hours, and I've sometimes wondered if dreams are sometimes glimpses of alternate realities that do exist. Maybe you're correct, and losing your father in this reality has made you subconsciously focus on realities in which he's still alive.

None of this is scientific, of course, but dreams aren't quite fully understood, and I think that's pretty neat.

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*screeches to a halt, nonchalantly tossing a cigarette butt onto the scorching desert sand*

*turns to you slowly, eyes hidden behind pitch black shades*

OP, please don't let this bring you down.
My friend's father left and avoided him back in the 70's. He never got over it. Despite having a wife and 2 children, his self esteem was always in the gutter no matter what he accomplished.
Countless other people loved him. He was the darling of the family. Kind, abnormally intelligent, highly skilled - alcoholism got the best of him despite this. No one could understand why else someone of that calibur could hate himself so deeply. His mother told me shortly after his death.

PLEASE do not let this define your life. Please rise above. Some people are just pieces of shit, and some people just aren't cut out to care for children.
That does NOT make you undesirable.

>>35092880
Haha OMG loved the intro can someone screencap this for an archive

sending some reddit gold right now!!!

>>35092899
I was just trying to cheer OP up :(

>>35092913
Eh. I chuckled. Ignore that other cunt.

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>>35086567
Sorry to hear anon. I don't have a mom and there's been times in my life when all I've wanted is my mom, who's never been there for me, or even wanted me at all since I was conceived.

I'm struggling with the realization that I'm dumb, I'm a brainlet seriously lacking in common sense and presence of mind. I'm slow; slow in conversation, slow in picking up things e.g humor. Absent minded in my jobs. It's a struggle. I think maybe my brain development suffered in the womb cos my mother didn't want to be pregnant, I'll never know. I do know I came out with my cord around my neck so maybe I was just doomed from the start. I don't know why I'm a brainlet when the rest of my biological family are intelligent.