what made you into who you are now

>>34925838
IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT'S NOT MY FAULT

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>>34925838
extreme laziness and a repulsion towards work

>>34925838
normies and racism

>>34925838
My childhood/teenage years were so bad, my first therapist didn't even believe me when I tried to tell her about it. She tried to diagnose me as a pathological liar.

Seriously, my life was just that bad. It didn't seem real.

Things are better now, so I'm not depressed or anxious anymore, but now I'm filled with boredom and ennui. Everything's boring. You could take me to Disneyworld right now and the whole time I'm there, I'd just want to go home and go to sleep. I don't even dream 99% of the time. I just black out and wake up 12 hours later. When I watch movies, I don't care what happens. When I listen to music, it doesn't affect me emotionally. I can barely finish thoughts or sentences or complete basic tasks like get out of bed to go to the bathroom. My brain is a kind of hell where instead of fire and brimstone, there is only deep, deep boredom.

I kinda miss having constant existential crises. I miss feeling anything at all. I miss having emotions. Now I just have nothing.

>>34926124
were you prescribed anything?

>>34926179
No. She tried to get me to work on my "constant need to lie" and no matter what I told her, she just couldn't believe anything I said. Then I left and never scheduled another appointment.

>>34925838
bad teeth, took 10 years of torturous orthodontic appliances of all kinds + 2x surgery to give me a normal mouth

afraid of ppl seeing my teeth, i withdrew and didn't talk to anyone. now i look okay but the damage was done at too early an age.

>>34926274
good call. proud of you.

>>34925838
dropping out of college because of shizophrenia made me into a recluse NEET

>>34925838
Being forced to go to a different school, which I never acclimated to and the rape ( I think).

>>34925838
I was super popular/smart/sport team kid in elementary school

I got hurt after 1st middle school year and spend 1 year in hostpital/my room - became fat and addicted to games - everybody at school laughed at me so i barely finished middle school

I decided to became neet at the beggining of high school and here am I after 5 years with no friends/job/future whatsoever

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>>34925838

I failed at the only thing I ever wanted to do. It left me a broken shell of a man who only waits for death.

Porn addiction and OCD are ending me. I'm trying so hard to find a way out.

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>tfw no matter how bad things are i feel that i got a chance
>broke
>poor health (disabled)
>literally no education
>no neetbux
>nobody cares about me enough to give me money (don't blame them)

>>34926610
I could never understand what was wrong with me until you just put it into words. My one opportunity to follow my passion has come and gone. I fucked it up. I'm on autopilot until the day I die because I can't kill myself.

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Dad never taught me any of life's great questions
Asked him how to talk to girls when I was 17, he said to google it
And he has the gaul to wonder why I don't know anything about dating

>>34925838
My father shot me in the face

>>34926672
You people have the most half assed issues I have ever heard.

Fuck you.

>>34926702
I don't know how to do anything a man my age should be able to do

>>34926610
>>34926670
try again at least one more time despite how much it crushed you.

you'll have to fight against every fibre in your being screaming at you to not put yourself in a place where you'll have to endure that feeling once more.

but then again you might make it after all.

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>>34925838
I couldn't integrate well with peers from an early age

It didn't get any better
>tfw you can only make friends with other autistic weirdos

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>>34925838
>was a mistake
>parents only stayed together because they were afraid of being judged (they got divorced as soon as I graduated HS)
>dad was distant as fuck and mother was verbally abusive
>spent my childhood being heavily bullied at school and listening to parents fighting at home
>was sickly as fuck as a kid and was constantly misdiagnosed/drugged because my parents kept taking me to the same shitty doctor (he eventually got closed down for malpractice)
>probably autistic but parents didn't want to get judged for having an autistic kid so they never had me checked
>never made any friends and the only people that ever talked to me were the other freaks and rejects at school
>by the time I was an adult I was bitter as fuck and tired of the world

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>>34925838
>lifelong inferiority-persecution complex
>grew up in a strict Christian family
>being sheltered by a controlling, condescending, belittling mother
>being the baby of the family
>being the least favorite kid
>having PDD-NOS, which means they don't know what the fuck is wrong with me other than I'm "developmentally delayed", which is just a prettier way of saying I'm retarded
>a mixture of being scrutinized by family all my life and believing they were always objectively right
>distorted perception of reality
>heavily distorted memories
>always being the bad guy somehow

>>34926672
wow it must sucks to be you anon..

>>34926649
grow some balls dude

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>>34925838

>be an 18 year old kissless virgin
>finally get fed up with the shitty state of my life and decide to turn it around
>start try harding everything
>do really well in school
>start lifting really hard every day (pic related)
>get an internship that pays over $10k per month
>start making a bunch of chad friends and going to cool parties

>now a 20 year old regular virgin

>>34925838
>Born with Aspergers. High Functioning, but still Aspergers nonetheless
>Parents always fought growing up
>Dad was an overall asshole who only cared about money and power
>Mom was overly protective, bipolar, extremely religious
>They eventually divorced, leaving me with my mom, which led to two years of living in poverty
>Practically ostracized throughout school because I was a fucking idiot
>Every potential romantic relationship has been a failure due to one extreme thing, the most recent being that I found out she's talking to a 35 year old. She's 18.
>Mom died when I was 11, giving me PTSD, as well as regret of not being able to apologize to her for being such a shitty son.
>Sister grew up to be a terrible person, who constantly kept me under her boot.
>Best friend of 5 years eventually stopped talking to me all of a sudden, some people think he's depressed, I think I was just a shitty friend.
>Failed 3 semesters of college, mainly out of laziness, unmotivation,possibly depression
>Today, I'm just a 19 yo loser with no friends, overweight, no energy, no gf, virgin, and a lump on my testicle that I don't care about enough to look into, and honestly hope is cancer so it can take me out of this downward spiral, created out of regret of things i did and didn't do.

>>34925838
>decent upper-middle class family
>overweight my entire life, everyone else in entire family is extremely fit
>of course picked on mercilessly as a kid
>don't really get any empathy from family, who subtly shame me for it as well
>somewhere around 12 become fairly rebellious, stop trying in school
>also around that time, discover internet porn, become sex addict while also using masturbation to cope with chronic migraines
>shame, and social/sexual awkwardness further isolate me
>brother is my only real friend, and even then probably mostly out of pity
>he's a bit younger than me, married, with a good job
>I'm still a basement-dwelling NEET
>too much of a pussy to just off myself

>>34926999
nice trips
but what kind of internship pays 120k a year

>>34928234

Literally any software development internship from a big company, and I was including the housing stipend desu

Google, Facebook, Amazon (which is the one I got, 7.7k + 2.5k housing stipend), Microsoft, Snapchat, Twitter Apple, Palantir, any wall st firm (Two sigma, jane street..), etc

http://fortune.com/2016/04/26/tech-interns-cash-this-summer/

My friend showed me this site in 8th grade, he said I shouldn't come back. I regret not taking his advice.

Dad killed himself due to depression on my 13th birthday, send first nudes to my first bf when I was 15 and he cheated on me for an ugly bitch at his school because she was closer to him (we were long distance) so now I'm depressed and have an extreme fear of being cheated on. At least I got used to being a slut early?

>>34926492
I feel you, have Schizoaffective disorder myself.

>>34925838
same ol same ol.

2 best friends die in the span of 3 years. needed an outlet, 4chan gave it and destroyed my emotional capability using lots of gore and rekt threads

>>34925838
I could have the world and I'd still want death over it all. Life is an illusion and the consequences are fake.

>>34928494
Roasties please leave, we are having a good thread.

>>34926921
Holy shit, are you me?

someday plan to shit on my parents and pour out all the complaints though. when i get on my own two feet

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>>34926124
Would you mind telling an anecdote from your childhood/teenage years?

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>>34925838
I shared this in another thread. Felt kinda good to get it off my chest. It's hard to pinpoint exactly where my life took a nosedive but this is pretty close.

>>34925838
lifelong chronic painful health issues

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overbearing mom.
made my a scared pussy that was made to be dominated

>>34928648
chill out sperg, nobody's stealing your precious virginity

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>>34928690

>having good conversation with the girl of your dreams at all

Normies GET OUT

I think I always had signs of problems even from a very young age, poor socialization, no/few friends, etc.

Dad was schizophrenic and killed himself a week before I turned 7.

Mom was always cold and distant and even more so once Dad died since she had to go to school and work full time to take care of me and my sister. She went to nursing school and I'm proud of her, but we were never close as a result of how she was never really home and too tired to do anything when she was. I don't think I've ever hugged or been hugged by my mom.

Then I guess I started having mental breakdowns and signs of severe mental illness when I turned like 12. Gradually declined to the point where I stopped going to school, school got the courts involved, I was sent to several different institutions.

Then I graduated alternative high school and was a recluse for 3 years. Somehow summoned the willpower to go to college, graduated with an electrical engineering bachelors, and now I have a $75k/yr job. I'm not really sure what spurred me to stop being a NEET.

Still live with my mom and I commute really fucking far to this job, but I don't really know what else to do. It's a good job for me, low responsibility and low stress.

Honestly I blame genetics. I'm just completely fucked in every category. I'm not even anywhere near as smart as I was as a young teen, I think mental illness is playing a part. If it weren't for the fact that I don't really hear voices, I'd say I have pretty much every other symptom of schizophrenia. The hearing voices shit isn't even what destroys lives, it's all the other stuff that most normal people don't really know about. I don't know what else I can call what I have, but somehow I'm managing to hold a job. At this point I'm accepting I will always be miserable, and I wonder on a daily basis why I even bother working and saving for retirement and shit.

Now I'm just rambling and I don't blame anyone that doesn't read this shit.

>>34926124
what did you say that she didn't believe?

>>34928910
your story hits a bit too close to home and it troubles me

>>34928876
>has read the post
>still thinks I'm a normie
Who isn't a normie to you, Anon? That's the only meaningful interaction I've ever had with the opposite sex and the closest I've ever been to somebody loving me.

>>34926637
>Porn addiction
the real killer. Could only go 18 days at most.

>tfw just upgraded my battlestation with new tablecloth, desk-fan, vibrating hand-massager, doiley, ashtray, coaster and monitor

It was a posh wank but it wasn't worth it. I don't want to be a wanker.

depresssion mixed with extreme longing for a bf mixed with high standards

>>34929006
Sooo... what? Typical female?

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>>34928986

>coming close to having somebody love you

Confirmed normie

>>34925838
She happened...

>>34926679
so are we just not going to talk about this or...?

please elaborate

>>34929050
>he thinks insulting her will get her to reply to him
that being said, i bet when you were a kid you got the girls' toy at mcdonalds lmao

>>34929080
How was I even close? Fuck it. Nothing I say will change your mind.

>>34925838
My dad, my teen obesity and my first gf who I love and can't get over. And my junkir brother.
>Dad narcistic emotionally abusive dad
>Caused me to have majir self-esteem issues and have almost no confidence
>Obesity
>Probably caused by dad but gravely made the last 2 things even worse
>This also caused a false sense of self, bordering on arrogance and psychosis
>My junkie brother, made my family life even harder from age 12+
>First gf was after I lost all the weight
>Ripped my heart out and stomoped on it
>I was broken and my false sense of self, my ego was completely shattered
>All the defense mechanism I had setup to cope with abusive dad, obesity and junkie brother
>Was literally ill for 2 months because of it, I felt like a broken child
>I saw me for who I actually was
>Nothing, a nobody a failure. My biggest fear was and came true. I was nkt good enough
>Distancr myself from family and start my long and hard rebuild
>Started working ft and ft uni after a year this happened
>Took me a year to cope with this and get into society
>Started lofting and train myself in social dynamics
>4 years later I have alot of cash and goty bachelors last year, going forasters now. I also look good af and am really good with women.
>Every weekend when I dont have a gf I try to get laid to prove to myself I am worthy
>This often works
>Still feel empty and bad aboit myself after
>Dont do this because I want it, I just want to prove myself
>Sometimes get a gf out of it. Dont want that either for the same reasons. I just hope it'll make me forget about her and hope that she somewhat saves me.
>This never worka, keep thinking of jer and end up breaking up within 2-3 months
>Have alot of fake confidence and a fake sense of self.
>Hate my own guts
>Often cut myself
>People are always concerned
>I can't be helped
>Only she can save me in my twisted world
>She has someone else
>Even wrote her a letter on vday
>She's gonna send one back
>Waiting for it

My aunt touched me as a kid and it has built up a sex drive that's impossible to satisfy.

>>34929110
ignore him. he's just a faggot who will call anyone a normie to make himself feel better

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Who else have no past here?

>Second son out of four, loving parents but never close relationship, brothers and I all keep to ourselves, never caused problems for the family so I was often left to be me, went to average schools and graduated with average grades, no hobbies and never joined clubs, decent friends but not particularly strong bond, never did anything wrong but also never did anything positive enough to warrant recognition.

Am I even here? Who the hell am I? Did I ever fucking exist?

Am I a piece of shit for feeling awful and hating myself always despite never being abused or fucking my life up?

> Always succeeded
> Never had to work for much when I was younger
> Told I was special and would go places
> One bad relationship my first year of college threw a wrench in my plans
> Bad decisions begat more bad decisions
> End up being kicked out my last semester
> Now a NEET looking for work to pay for that last semester when I go back
> Crippling anxiety and depression makes it difficult to do much, has been that way since my first year of college
Amazing how you can let one person's bad decisions derail everything you have planned

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I learned everyting I knew about rite and rong from school nd video games

My mother commited suicide when i was 12 the last time we had a discussion she asked me if i loved her i said no then she called a taxi and sent me and my sister to my grandmother ~1 week later she was found dead
today im 20 i left school at 16 and i stay all day at home playing vidya and watching animes, my dad asked me many times to find a job but he's pretty chill about it
i can't remember her voice now that i think about it

Big sister molested me. Fucked with my libido and gave me weird fetishes and when she ended our sexual relationship it broke my heart and drove me into a deep, long-lasting funk. Eventually after years of living like shit to try and shorten my lifespan I realized I wasn't even in love with her anymore, I was just still so down because my life had fallen apart and I was lonely. Things are still pretty shit.

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>>34926028
THEY'RE GETTING SO MUCH YOUNGER

>>34925838
i got rejected when i autistic-ly asked out a girl in elementary school by email. i proceeded to go down a never-ending spiral of hatred.

>>34926124
take some psychadelics if you're not afraid.

>>34926740
fuck. anon i relate to you

>>34929178
w-what kind of stuff are you into sexually?

don't be afraid to be explicit...anon-kun

>>34925838
I became extremely jaded after my first year of college when I found out that everybody pretended to be my friend cause I was the only dude with a gf outta all their loser asses and they wanted her. After that I became extreme cynical towards people, mostly women due to retardation on their part. I dont trust people for shit anymore and time and time again I'm shown why I'm right for thinking that way.

>never knew dad
>mom abandoned me at my grandma's when I was 4
>got beaten up on my first day of school for being weird
I never had a chance.

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>>34925838
Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens.

>>34925838
Being bullied into the ground, and over 10 years of runescape addiction.

And then drugs.

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God, you all would be perfect candidates for cults. Why haven't you joined a cult yet, robots?

>feel a part of something
>we will love you and care for you
>you can even get laid by sweet cult qts

Join a cult, anon.

>>34928657
Same here, counting seconds

drugs and alcohol killed my motivation to do anything meaningful; also no friends to motivate me

>>34925838
I'm just here because I fucked up something really important to me and feel like shit about it, and want to be reminded that there are way worse people than me out there.

>>34929927
Ha! holy shit, same! hell, im high rn and want to play rs

I was actually diagnosed with autism, it made me over think everything and my life kind of came tumbling down. I'm slowly working back up though.

Just always been shitty at absolutely everything

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>>34929556
One of the only posts that isnt LARPing ITT.I feel you.Im the same way.I think we are just scared of being vulnrable and be ourselves.

>>34930002
Most cults reserve all the qts for the glorious leader.

as a child I coped with my parents rejection and siblings hate with dissociation and intellectualisation. by the time I was a teen I had probably already put myself on a lifelong path of mental illness but It went a step further when I made the mistake of smoking synthetic Marijuana. the resulting psychosis and following HPPD made me a burned out shell of a human being, a depersonalized robot.
This is more or less what I had been trying to achieve for most of my life to that point so I embraced the change I never looked back.

>>34926452
Same here, except I'm 21 and still haven't got them fixed :(

>>34931142
Are you me, except progressed past marijuana to alcohol

Well.. I was once pretty much a normie at one time. I had a gf, was a full time unit student, and had a part time job in retail to get through school. Then, at 20 years old, I began drinking a lot, my grades began to suffer, and I dropped out of school and lost my job. I was able to rebound by getting a job as a pizza delivery driver for the busiest chain in my city. I was making a lot of money doing that. Minimum wage and about $150 in tips a day. Then I got a dui, lost my liscense and car, and have become a complete loser and with seemingly insurmountable fines. Feelsbadman

>bullied entire school life
>retreat into video games
>parents wonder why I don't "apply myself"

Content to play video games until I die. I know wasting my life is going to torture me on my deathbed so I hope it's quick

>>34931868
This combined with loneliness and laziness.

>Parents were poor.
>Dad was an abusive fuckwit with a hair trigger temper.
>Mum was a paint-huffing, obese chain-smoker who was so bad with money she spent over a thousand dollars on psychic phone calls.
>Shitty home life resulted in bad socialisation skills when starting school so the poor reception of me started in primary school and helped further influence my inability to socialise.
The damage was done too early so I didn't have much chance of recovery.

>>34925838
Growing up around niggers and chicanos. Im 35 and realized I was a shot caller when I was little and have always been. Im 8.51 according to a scientific assessment of beauty test I took but see myself as a 6-7 from the point of view of women. tfw less than Chad.

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>be me 13 years old
>been feeling pretty down lately
>one day get an anxiety attack while out in public
>anxiety gets worse
>eventually get too anxious to even go to school
>just lay in bad at home all day, too anxious to go outside
>depression gets worse
>never recovered

Everything was going so great for me, i don't know what the fuck happened.

I was rejected in primary school cause I was shy
I didn't make any friends afterward because I was terrified of rejection
Fuck kids

I joined discord

https://discord.gg/aFfmHtw

Never gave a shit about anything, probably never will, just going to waste away until I kill myself, which doesn't seem that far away at this point.

Nothing, really. I was naturally talented at a lot of things throughout school, have a good group of friends, a girlfriend and a family who love me. I just feel like I'm squandering my life and feel depressed and isolated, but I can never tell anyone since I come from such a privileged and trouble-free background.

I was ugly and had to watch as all my friends managed to get laid by 16 while I remained a virgin. It made me bitter and desperate for attention.

Eventually I gave up and here I am.

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>>34925838
Lost motivation for everything.

Ended high school with a 3.9 GPA,
First year of college had a 3.5,
Gpa got worse over time, got really bad last term of sophomore year, parents said they can't keep paying for classes I am going to fail, So I joined the army to get disciplined and help pay for school, then I come back to uni a couple years later and not much is better in class.
Now I'm in second semester of senior year and might straight fail out. I wake up, and I know I have class, but I can't even motivate myself to go to it, I have no drive at all.

I just eat, sleep, lift weights, run, and drink.

After this term I just don't know.

>>34932265
That's exactly what happened to me. What a neat little coincidence.

>>34932343
Damn this hit home for me too...

All my school talent just kind of evaporated, I can't apply myself anymore, and it seems like I'm just going nowhere. Whatever

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I did this to myself
... bbut psychedelic drugs deserve some cred too.

Other trigger factors were probably my mothers insanity/suicide attempts, my fathers ever-escalating alcoholism and being bullied by "peers".

>>34932453
I got a hobby (film photography). Gives me a little bit of purpose, plus reviewing memories in the form of negatives and pictures gives you a sense that you're not wasting time. Once it's captured on film, the memory is a real, permanent object

>parents are drug addicts
>just fucking leave for days or weeks at a time
>sister and me left alone without supervision or food
>somehow parents magically return if social worker come to check
>learn to cook from cookbooks, other domestic stuff at 7 years old, basically an adult by 10
>parents arrested when I was 13, live with relatives
>get my life on track, go to university, get a menial job
>my life still feels empty, filled with fear
I fucking hate my """parents""" for abandoning me

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>>34926903
are you me?
>was a mistake
yes
>parents only stayed together because they were afraid of being judged (they got divorced as soon as I graduated HS)
yes
>dad was distant as fuck and mother was verbally abusive
yes
>spent my childhood being heavily bullied at school and listening to parents fighting at home
in hs, yes

>probably autistic but parents didn't want to get judged for having an autistic kid so they never had me checked
Probably
>never made any friends and the only people that ever talked to me were the other freaks and rejects at school
they where not real friends.
>by the time I was an adult I was bitter as fuck and tired of the world
I'm 22, just dropped uni, alone and feeling like a failure.

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>>34931142
depersonalisation, mental fog.

Shit middle school and high school experience
Became a problem child at home because of it
Basically almost tore my family apart because of it
Always angry and depressed on top of incredibly low self esteem and emotional abuse from someone
The feels are so overwhelming rn, my chest gets so tight remembering about those years..
I may be a neet now but I am so much happier, even if I have really bad anxiety and am anti social

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>>34929556

This is my feel. Nothing terrible's ever happened to me, its just that nothing's ever happened in my life at all.

Years and years of severe isolation. I never lived close enough or in dense enough population centres to develop social skills or a healthy circle of friends. As a child I knew 4 people. Two girls from the local christian cult (parents had at least 7 daughters, all home schooled with some christian bs) and the two boys who lived a strictly regulated life at the hands of a checked-out father and insane mother.

Thanks to my parents..issues I didn't form ironclad friendships until years later when the son of the local farmers reached out- and became my first true lifelong friend.

We never lived anywhere worthwhile, I could never have friends over or visit others and after a while my latent autism caught up and I just stopped wanting it