Medieval Fantasy /r9k/

>tfw too dumb to be a mage

>tfw all the normies in magic college laugh at you because you are too incompetent to cast a fireball

>tfw not stocky enough to be a dwarf berserker.

>being a mage
Stick to your gay sticks and I'll stick to my manly broadsword.

>>34850883
>Tfw no dwarf-mode bf

>No homo

>>34851035
You can stick to that, I would use magic to lock you in place while I pound that boipussy like a little fuck boi

>Goblin
>Have virgin walk so I always get caught stealing due to my loud ass footsteps
>Get constantly bullied even by betas of other races
>Currently 5, half of my lifespan has been wasted
>My oneitis got eaten by a wolf in the last raid
Thinking of overdosing on cave shrooms lads, Should I do it?

>>34851035
I would conjure a dildo up ya ass M8

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>>34851072
Goblin scum? On my /r9k/?

>>34851151
>Posts a knight, the most chad human profession available
Please leave me alone now normalfaggot scum, I pinky promise that I won't empty my piss-filled waterskins onto your silk bedsheets

>>34851231
>not knowing Goblin Slayer the turbo autist
Anyway, everyone knows that mages are the real chads.

>No skills
>Find a local job at oneitis her place where I have to clean wool
>Turns out I have to walk on wool in a barrel with piss to whiten it
>Horrible smell, strong and fishy
>The smell makes me cough and makes me feel sick
>Die from pneumonia while noble chadinus fucks my oneitis

>Too scrawny to be a warrior
>No magical aptitude
>Have very bad eyes so no archer

Am I doomed to a life in my village?

>>34851252
I-I've heard of him and the tomes of his adventures but have never seen an actual picture of him. To say the least, I'm rightfully scared out of my mind right now but it's not like you can stab me through my parchment letters now can you? Mages are assholes tho, was forced to be a slave to one for a few months. Fucker would test potions and stuff on me, I still occasionally have a newt sprout from my torso

>>34850883
>Go to sell cheesewheels in market
>Chad shows up and tries to trade me mushrooms and pottery
>politely decline
>4/10 wife giggling uncomfortably
>Chad offers to escort me
MFW Chad kills all sorts of random animals on way to market
>Chad jumps on top of my trading wagon and consumes all my cheese
>cuts literally dissappears and he leaves with my wife

Fuck that guy why even live anymore

>tfw slaughtering dangerous monsters is the only thing that brings me peace anymore
Thinking about just living off the land lads. I fucking hate everyone in my village.

>my party died in a dungeon, only managed to barely escape

This fucking sucks. there was a cute shy healer on team and even the berserker was pretty much a half-automaton. I was really warming up to them too, I thought I could finally have fucking friends and maybe become a norman but instead no a fucking minotaur asshole had to ruin what we had fuck minotaurs FUCK THOSE BULL CUNTS

why the fuck do i even try

>>34851419
https://youtu.be/-TsWxZ_i0Nk
That picture and this music always pair up so nicely

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New tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-bTcOEHkqg


Who else here has sworn a vow of chastity?
>Be me, but a lowly squire
>one day whilst sparring with the other boys in the castle the daughter of the local count offers us some refreshments
>bythelady.tapestry
>be forever smitten that day
>now one art a knight of the court, but not of renown
>fair maiden still has a smile as fair as the morning sun
>one day in a melee a vile brute from town over yonder, known as Sir Chaddeus the hung is winning
>his blade art too heavy for the local squires and damages some beyond healing
>crimson.tapestry
>mine visor doth closeth and I remember not my actions but that they were of ferocity.
>aghastmaidens.heraldry
>render Chaddeus asunder with a single strike
>beautiful maiden no longer desires my courtship
>swear a vow of chastity and one is exiled from the fifedom
What do good sires? Go on a quest perilous?

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>Be me
>18 winters
>courting thy maiden fair
>enter Chaddius Thundercockus Maximus
>"hail, m'lady. Let us warm your bed with our lovemaking"
>Sees me
>"Art thou bethrothed to another?"
>"Thine maiden fair requires a real man and a true warrior"
>"I demand we joust immediately for the ladies' hand"
>S-sure thing, Ch-Chaddius
>We get suited up
>Ready the horses
>It's time
>make haste towards each other
>Adrenaline raising
>"FUCKING CHADDIUS!! GET OFF MY FUCKING MAIDEN! REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>His lance nails me straight in the chest
>Sends me flying through the air
>My lance goes flying
>Impales fair maiden
bythegods.jpg


Men of the North, what say you? Wat do?

>tfw gf cucked me with a warrior from the adverse Kingdom
>tfw planted mysterious flowers, latin scrolls and a broom in my ex-gf home
>tfw stole a black cat from the general store keeper to plant in my ex-gf's home
>tfw i got my ex-girlfriend to burn on a stake by telling the King she was a witch
>tfw got my hands chopped off for stealing

>>34851619
Atleast cucketh thou wasn't. Blame Chaddius for the tragedy and retire to being a scholar.

>surfy
>waky waky surfy
>time to get up and plow m'lord fields

Shit guys, I took on a contract to slay a vampire to impress the qt Guild clerk but I don't know what to do. Tips?

>>34851666
Heretic. By the order of the Church, I shall purge you demon!

>>34851696
Depends, is the vampire cute?

>>34851696
Return the contract. One must know that the Guild clerk is always either taken or completely asexual.

>>34851666
Your raven has been cursed. Triple digits of the dark one mark you as a witch. This must be the doing of the (((Elves)))

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>>34851399
Become a merchant and rip-off those dumb adventurers

>>34851736
I know not. Only that it is a monster that has been terrifying the countryside for years.

>>34851737
It's too late for me to go back. I already took the offered pay to buy equipment. I really fucked up. ;_;

>>34851722
>>34851740
Brothers! It is but the misdeeds of the local witchwench, I shall depart henceforth from the castle and confiscate her books and other evil tapestries that the harlot doth posses.

If I do not return 3 days from hence, raise the local village for they must have taken covenant with her and the daemons.

I won't be here long, on the run. Those guards from The Kingdom are after me because I raped a noble's daughter. Gotta say, it was worth it

>>34851818
You sly dog you. Godspeed.

>>34851790
Form yourself a party. Get a healer, an archer, and a knight, at the least. Bring some anti-vampire shit and get to it. Chop chop!

>>34851790
Well you seem to have two options
>Become the vampire's lover
With a high risk of initial death the vampire might find your submissive beta way attractive and wish to court with thou. Of course, this means you'll be persecuted for the rest of your life by your old kin and be forced to consume their running blood as well
>Attempt to slay the beast
You'll most likely die. Hiring a few mercenaries and a healer should help your chances but I've never tried to kill a vampire myself. They usually avoid us goblins due to our blood tasting like cat piss

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Some of you are alright. Don't go to the Mages Guild tomorrow.

>>34851814
Fucking cunnung witchwenches killed this board

Wanted: stable long term questing party

I am a mid level knight with sub skills in both magyck and herbology, I have previous experience clearing mines and sewers and now wish to expand my resume by joining a solid low-mid level party.

Dislikes: Elves, halfmen, creatures of the night, and unsavory characters

You can pay me in ale and mutton if GP is low.

>>34851931
>magyck
>knight

Refine your skills some more until you become a solid spellsword/runeblade and I might consider your offer.

>tfw halfing
>too tall for dwarfs
>to short for humans

Life is endless suffering

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Some of you are alright. Don't go to Blaviken if you are in the Arc Coast tomorrow.

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>not being a hunter
Top zozzle

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>>34852061
original REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LET ME POST oRIGNAL

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>>34852083
Last one ORIGINAL LET MEPOST

>>34852061
>>34852083
>>34852091
>Powerlevel
Hunter
>Specialization
Outdoorsman
>Powers
Rank 1 Precision (free)
Rank 1 Strength
Rank 2 Magic
Rank 1 Regeneration
Rank 1 Endurance
Rank 1 Beast Eye
Rank 1 Improved Lung
>Companions
Mysterious Wolf
Horse
>Equipment
The Hook Rank 2
Weapon Rank 1
Ranged Weapon Rank 1 (free)
Light Armor (Leathers) (free)
Heavy Armor (Plates)
Explosive Satchel (Golf bombs)

>>34852061
>Powerlevel
Exterminator
>Powers
Strength Rank 1
Magic Rank 1
>Companions
Horse
Cute fairy
>Equipment
Weapon Rank 1
Hook Rank 1
Leather Armor
Ranged Weapon Rank 1
>Challenge
Creepy cult

If you're not going hard mode, you aren't living.

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Hey, the dragon demands a Virgin as a sacrifice. Why don't we send anon!

>>34852432
"Y-yeah, y-ou too, Chadrick . . . "

>>34851619
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1ynlaEhGuLp

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>alone in hermit hut
>realize I'm out of tea
>go out to my secret herb gardening spot
>hear some commotion over the hill
>traveling circus is in town with their new act
>"come see the lad who thinks he's a lass" painted on a sign
>beardlets surrounding its cage
>mfw

>>34852061
>Powerlevel
Great hunter
>Specialization
Edgelord Assassin
>Powers
Rank 1 stealth (free) +2 other ranks
Magic rank 3
Regeneration rank 2
Death aura
Improved lung rank 1
>Companion
Murder
Nightmare
>Equipment
Rank 1 stealth satchel (free) + 3 more ranks
Rank 2 weapon (death staff)
Nemean robe
>Challenges
Infested mine

So basically, I'm that distant boss that is real tired with everyone's bullshit. I genuinely care for my employees but being a death mage it's hard for me to show that effectively. Trying not to accidentally blast my allies during the defense and stopping my ravens from eating too many of their comrades is about all I can muster. I pay good money tho! I do need some fighters/ holy men I can rely on to take care of things that aren't technically alive. Send me a pigeon if you're interested, death is only a mildly common possibility

>>34852061
>>34852083
>>34852091
>not choosing exterminator and living a peaceful life in the city clubbing rats

its like you want to fucking die

>>34852798
Don't we all? Oregano

>>34851911
Easily the funniest post ITT. Bravo anonus

>>34852091
This is bullshit. even a legend doesn't have enough points for adamantium armor how the fuck are you supposed to get anything worthwhile.

>>34853439
I don't think armor is cumulative. Would be ridiculous if it was and it seems to be balanced if it's just "skip up to this rank" deal

>>34852798
>not having a sense of adventure
wew lad

>Be Me.
>Local farmer.
>Wanna be an adventurer.
>Basic knowings of shit spells (literally retarded tier sparks)
>Say goodbye to my mom, dad and other 8 brothers and sisters.
>Legends speaks of a place in the dark forest where adventurers meet up and take quests.
>I don't expect to be hit hard at first, but that's life.
>Go into forest.
>See place I've got promised.
>I cannot read that well, but sign seems to say "rIXk"
>Place is pretty confortable, alot of adventurers.
>In that tavern there are alot of bad stuff too.
>"So, Thy are new, aren't you kid?" says one dude I met there.
>Answer that yes I am.
>He warns me to never look at the dark cornere: Traps are hidden into the taverns.
>Curiosity kills me.
>Head over the dark corners.

>Tall, gorgeous Maiden smiles at me from the shadow.
>I've never seen such a beauty.
>Then I black out.

>I wake up some hours later, I think.
>The maiden I've seen before is holding me from my shoulders, her mouth on my neck.
>She's sucking my blood.
>She stops.
>She giggles.
>It was too late.
>I'm now cursed.
>I now like traps.
>If I don't drink blood I'll become a trap myself.

>tfw necromancer conjured me up from my comfy dirt nap and now expects me to do all this shit for him
Who else/skeleton/ here?

>tfw conjured up some fat dead loser to be my personal skeleton slave and do all my menial tasks
Who else /necromancer/ here?

>Seek not glory, but to be wealth and power
>Strive to learn martial skills
>Recognition only from lauded superiors
>Get promoted but never get credit
>Somewhat ok with people praising Chad
>Start to get passed over for power
>Become angry and feel disrespected
>Decide I must follow Caesar's example
>Cross my own Rubicon and start a Civil War
>Win and proclaim myself Emperor
>Begin to build Empire
>Build industry, infrastructure, arts, sciences
>Don't care about other's sovereignty
>Start invading people
>Be remembered as a liberal emperor
>but with a taste for imperialism

Dexfags should fucking die

So lads I heard a slanderous rumour today that our patron Saint Ellioteius of The Good Isle may have worshipped at a coven of a barbarous devil cult from the East? Some baphomet they call Kuk or Klek or something like that?

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>be the birth of an abomination and damned to hell for my appearance
>outcasted from society as a whole
>no skills to survive on my own so I plunder small villages
>find a cave to spend the rest of my life in
>word gets out there's a troll plundering all these villages
>a hunt gets out and adventurers keep entering my cave to scout out my location
>have no means of defending myself so I'm scared breech-less
>starting to carve out my last words on the wall

These normies outcast me...ridicule me...and now they want me dead! For what has I deserve this life?

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>tfw Ser Thunderpen smiled at me

>>34855296
Get thee hence, wench!

>>34855246

You should've sought out enough power to make the normies fear you troll.

>>34855296
W E S S E X
E
S
S
E
X

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>tfw chad has gone on Crusade and all the wenches are lonely in my area

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>>34851072
REMOVE GOBLINS

>>34851740
accursed knife-eared bastards are behind everything, they poisoned my village's well and are behind those lewd scriptures making rounds in the seedy parts of town. Adolfus the Mad was right when he tried to exterminate them.

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>5 years studying the arcane arts in wizard uni
>tired of fireballs and normie spells taught in my first year
>secretly trying to study necromancy since then
>my dream is to obtain immortality
>by now i have accumulated a hefty amount of notes on the subject
>tfw my roommate this year is chad
>tfw this morning he burned all my notes because "dat shit's evil bruh"
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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I'm making this message for further generations.
I dont know how I ended up here, in this place. It was 2017-th year, I was preparing my flamethrower and boomstick in hope to kill some normies before suicide. But then something happened, and I found myself nearby wheat field. After approximately 20mins of walk I ended up in the middle of the village, right in front of local church. The folks were looking at me with interest (I was carrying flamer and double-barreled Remington), meanwhile the Cultists (guys in violet robes, probably the followers of Pope in church) started walking slowly towards me. At first I started retreating from my position, but the flamer in my hand was about to fell down on road. Quickly realized the best solution, I started to laugh manically. Cultists stopped a bit, but then they resumed their movement, their faces were representing only fear and disgust. My right hand (the one with boomstick) lifted up, and I pulled the trigger. 12-th gauge hit the nearest scumbag in higher torso, immediately breaking his momentum from fast movement and pushing his body backwards. I felt the recoil very oddly, but the main task been completed. Servants of powerful, mighty God were now running like I was frustrated supervisor in kindergarten, and children tried to be as far as possible from me.
But that's not the end. Folks also joined the panic, and chaos started quickly growing in this community. The entire village was buzzing in screams, despite the fact of evening. That didn't stopped me from visiting the church itself, revealing the Pope himself. He was too busy, fucking a 8/10 girl. I cant say for sure, was he just raping her, or it was her desire to be cucked by the most alpha-chad, I had another type of thought. Swiftly my hand found the handle of XM42, and I pulled the trigger again, scorching the Chad and his damned slut. If somebody from 21-st century will find this message, just kill yourself. This world has been always shit.

>tfw no qt succubus slave

>>34850883
>America 1542
>Be commanche indian
>The great spirit has called upon the tribe to find a mate
>Get invited to raindance for some reason
>See qt girl at the raindance, wearing a leather skirt from buffalo skin
>Try to approach her
>Get Cock Blocked by Cauwd Bisoncock
>Curses.facepainting
>They both have passionate baby making in teepee.
>I sit outside and jackoff without them knowing
>Suddenly Warrior tribe comes out of nowhere and starts killing everyone
>I still jacking off near the teepee tent.
>One of the raiders runs towards the teepee and kills the couple inside
>ohshittingbull
>The warrior man gets out of the tent bloody all over
>Sees me with my dick out of my horse trousers
>Gets disgustes and walks away.
>Somehow my tribe manages to repel the raiders
>They find me stillin shock with my dick out
>They began laughing at my penis.
Everyone on the prairie now calls me Little Worm Dick.