Any robots with schizophrenia, what were your early symptoms like?

>>34833825
not a shizo but this is a good glimpse into the mind of one. I've tracked his posts over the internet back to 2010 and I know exactly how he slowly went insane if you're interested in hearing about it.

http://www.kelownasucks.com/

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6sDqmRjzkJFckxLQXV4eUdJeDQ/view

>>34833890
Thank you

I'm worried I might be going crazy...

>>34833922
What are you seeing/thinking?

>>34833947
Nothing yet really, nothing major

Sometimes I see people walking behind me but no one's there. I sometimes feel really weird. Like I feel God, or I feel "unstuck in time" like I'm staring into the 1950s or 2200. I know it's not real but I got such odd feelings. When I listen to music I feel something so intense. Like a portal, like something so deep and vivid and powerful. But I know that delusion of savior and all that are symptoms of schizophrenia, I know I'm imagining things. I also have OCD diagnosed and some form of undiagnosed depression/possibly bipolar so there's that

>>34833890
what the fuck is going on here with the kelowna site? I cant comprehend whats happening?

>>34834294
Kelowna is like the Canadian conspiracy to corrupt Chris and Erin

>>34834101
If you're aware that they're delusions/your mind playing tricks on you, you probably aren't entering psychosis/have schizophrenia.

A feeling of going insane could be caused by anxiety, which often goes hand in hand with things like depression, bipolar, etc.

That said, see a doctor/psychologist. Best of luck.

>>34833890
Well, what's the story then?

there will be a point when you will notice that everything seems to be about you
and you will recognize this as a symptom of schizofrenia
and you will think to yourself "ah but i see this little niggling curiosity for what it is and am thus defended against it"
your clever awareness of this onset will make every additional step into insanity as simple as before, because you can see them happening and diagnose them appropriately
at the end you will be truly insane right through the open windows of all your watchfulness

>>34834101
Yeah that's definitely the beginnings of schizophrenia. You should go see a mental professional as soon as possible.

>>34834294
It's the insane ramblings of a schizophrenic, but online. He also posts on 4chan, I found him on /soc/.

>>34835000

His parents were alcoholic druggies who didn't supervise him or his siblings. They ended up dropping out of school at a young age as a result.

At some point Christ had a kid with a coworker, when he worked at a pizza joint. I don't know what his relationship with the mother or his son was like. I do know that shortly after, he started working at a boxing factory.

There was an accident and his left foot was almost completely crushed. He was in severe agonizing pain for several hours before being admitted to the hospital due to our faulty medical system.

There was a surgery that managed to save his leg and foot, but it was left permanently swollen and disfigured afterward. This was what broke him and incited his psychosis.

It started small- he was aware of his delusions. He took his meds. But the meds made him gain weight and weren't effective enough. He posted a lot on the abovetopsecret.com forums under dozens of different usernames- if you search up keywords like Chris BB, Erin Zimmer or the names of his family you'll find posts spanning back years that completely chronicle his rapid decay into insanity. He's had several different types of large overarching delusions over the years, each one becoming more and more violent and detached from reality as he lost his mind. He has some sort of amnesia- he completely forgets things he's said/done and lives in some sort of mental loop, constantly repeating/thinking the same actions and thoughts while spiraling deeper and deeper into the madness.

I became interested in him because I live with a couple hour's drive of where he is. Figured out his exact address through photos/videos he posted and actually went to talk to him once. He got pissed at me and told me to leave. Came back a week later, he had no memory of me.

Not sure if I should leave him alone or call the cops.

My early symptoms involved thinking I was being watched around the clock, in my home, bedroom, bathroom, having my thoughts read, and thinking my television/internet use was filled with covert signs communicating to me. Around a year after high school I got diagnosed., long time ago.

I can distinctly remember for a couple years every number 1-10 and every color having a distinct meaning; at this point I can only remember what a few of the numbers/colors meant and take this as a sign I'm doing better. I still have those thoughts where I think everything is a message directed towards me but I'm so used to it, it doesn't affect my ability to live anymore.

It can be really scary. Would never wish it on anyone.

>>34835551
You are him, aren't you?

>>34835628
Nah, he literally cannot talk normally to another human. Not only can he not talk about normal subjects without going off on insane tangents, but he also completely forgets who and what he was talking to/about every 5-10 minutes and begins repeating himself.

The amount of autistic effort that would have to go into faking something like this is beyond even my ample autisms.

>>34835612
>january
yellow
>february
purple-pink
>march
orange-yellow
>april
green
>may
sky-blue
>june
blue
>july
yellow
>august
blue
>september
yellow
>october
orange
>november
orange-yellow
>december
dark blue

for as long as i can remember

>>34835681
august is really more purplue-blue
>edit

>nothing feels real, everything feels like i'm in a dream
>brain feels like mush, like it's rotting
>my memories don't feel like they actually happened, more like someone lived them and told me about it
>can't keep my eyes focused
>had a rage attack for almost no reason and then slept for 27 hours straight a few months ago

is it schizophrenia, boys?

>>34835729
Probably not, but you should see a mental health professional anyway.

>>34835750
tried that shit for 15 years, it's worthless for me

>>34835770
Sorry famalam. I won't tell you it gets better or to keep trying. Some people are just born broken and beyond help.

Do the best you can find to be happy, that's the best advice I can give you.

>>34834101

What this other anon said is correct >>34834746, if you know it's not real you're probably not going schizo.

I get that time-line fluctuation feeling too. I've had psychic powers my whole life too, as in dreaming things before they happen, thinking about things before they happen. So much so that I even tell myself and other's that I don't experience time linearly as much people do.

I'm perceiving the past and future a couple seconds, hours or days off than most people who only experience the present. I feel the emotions of events before the event happens too.

But I noticed the time displacement really amps up after taking certain medications. I guess I'm saying it's not really a sign that you're going crazy, you're just experiencing something most humans don't.

>>34833890
looks a bit too ridiculous for me to consider it.
not real

>>34835818
I've talked to him, he's real. Watch some of his youtube videos. He's like some sort of poltard robot autist on steroids.

>>34834101
You just get paranoid sometimes like everyone and music moves you. Like everyone but you are more artsy.

>>34835612

Why do you think schizos always think they're being watched and observed? I wonder if it has anything to do with one's consciousness splitting. In a way, you're observing yourself all the time because you're self-aware. I think the schizo confuses himself for the world around him.

>>34835681
weird

>january
light blue
>february
dark blue
>march
lime green
>april
purple
>may
pink
>june
violet
>july
purple-blue
>august
yellow
>september
beige
>october
orange cause pumpkins
>november
grey sky blue
>december
white

>>34835729

Could be a panic attack. I had similar symptoms have I had a big panic attack in college.

>>34835681
>>34835879
>August is not green
>November is not black
You guys are mental

>>34835838
still doesnt help your case. calling bullshit

>>34833825
It started with me being too afraid to fully shut certain doors because it would hurt someone in another dimension. Now it's stuff getting home and thinking I might of hit someone with my car despite not.

>>34834101
Sounds like bipolar.

>>34835681
>>34835723
>>34835879
>>34835917
This is synaesthesia.

>>34835678
Maybe you should forward this guy's info to some sort of authority. I don't think he should be in prison, but clearly he needs to be in some sort of inpatient care facility and back on medication... from what I've seen, he could hurt himself or others. Some of those videos, man...

What kind of quality of life is he even having for himself? Dude needs help.

What you are feeling is your awakening.
Your mental powers are becoming unlocked.
There are people who will try to stop you.
But there are others out there like you who can help.

Beware of them, and look out for us.

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>>34835918
Man I don't care if you believe me. He's 100% completely bonafide for real. Go onto the abovetopsecret.com forums, search for the keywords Chris, Erin, Chris BB, anything he mentions frequently on his webpage.

He's got posts going back at least 6 years maybe more, so unless someone has been planning a 6+ year trick...

I've also got pictures of his injured foot somewhere. Oh, here we go.

>>34835984
He lives on disability in a motel, he's perfectly comfortable. He's been in and out of mental care before, I'm afraid I'll just be ruining what little happiness he might have left. They've probably written him off at this point.

>>34834746
This is what I'm worried about: >>34835105

>>34835335
Also are you trolling me? Or are you giving me legit advice

>>34836019
If you're worried, start seeing a professional (or bring up your worries with your current doc). Think of it this way: if you have it, delaying getting help will make it worse. If you don't have it, you'll get relieved from having confirmation that you don't, and you'll get help for whatever else.

>>34835957
How so? I don't know much about bipolar disorder

>>34836019
No, I'd never joke about something this serious. God/Saviour delusions are common in schizophrenia. It's not definitely shizophrenia but there's a good chance that it'll develop into it. Chris initially recognized his delusions as delusions, but it got steadily worse over time when he stopped taking his meds. You should talk to your mental doctor about it as soon as possible.

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>>34835987
This is true; but the unfortunate thing is, people who go completely insane had long ago cut themselves off from the current of the world. Their knowledge is esoteric, without proof or application. They had the potential to create brilliant works, to discover fantastic and groundbreaking things, but they allowed the raw potential of their unchecked perception to inform their entire worldview. Mind was not made to consume itself.

I can already feel myself going down the same path. It's getting harder to learn. Harder to incorporate fresh perceptions. It's as if I have no other choice. As if I have already failed in the eyes of the Divine Being, doomed to an eternity of pain and mirrors.

I need to die.

>>34835978
None of that is actual synesthesia. Relating a color to a month is not synesthesia.

>>34836090
>>34836116
I do wanna talk to my doctor but I'm scared they'll send me to a loony bin. Also I live with my parents and they don't really support psychology

>>34836174
It's ultimately your choice. Just beware that if you do have schizophrenia and you don't get treated, chances are that you'll end up going too far to come back like Chris did.

Don't let your parents ruin your life. The doctor can't lock you up unless you're putting yourself or others in danger. It's going to be okay, anon. You'll be fine.

>>34836165
http://www.synesthesiatest.org/blog/spatial-sequence-synesthesia
Even the header image is the color of months.

>>34836108
Start reading up on it. As for the medical articles/literature, there isn't much but symptomatic characteristics. However, what you describe sounds exactly like it. Intensity of thought of feeling, seeming to transcend the boundaries of spacetime within your own mind. Coupled with periods of absolute despair, as if your mind were unable to sustain itself during the periods of heightened activity. The fact you're still rational is a very good sign. Schizophrenics are the ones who don't have the benefit of reality testing; their mind gets worse at it wraps around itself. It is a gradual decline. You have a taste of psychosis, but if you seek help and ways to effectively cope such as having an artistic outlet, you will fare somewhat well.

>>34836174
No one's going to lock you up unless you're clearly a danger to yourself or others. Seek help now to make sure you maintain your mental health and avoid getting to that point.

This mental illness stigma needs to end.

>>34836225
>>34836272
Thanks guys

I go through phases of extreme hopelessness and despair, along with phases of feeling overall slightly more content and okay with being alive, each phase can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months

I also have been increasingly feeling this odd "spirituality" surrounding me and the world. This is really weird because I used to be very strongly atheist up until maybe a year ago. If it means anything, my dad would spout eastern philosophy and religion all the time when I was younger, maybe that had some influence on me? I was an atheist back then

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bbPqkNl4_-g

>>34836457
>I also have been increasingly feeling this odd "spirituality" surrounding me and the world.
That could work to your benefit, but you have to be careful not to let it inform your entire awareness... e.g., coming up with spiritual/extraterrestrial explanations for things and running with it. I've always thought that reading philosophy/theology/Dostoyevsky and people like him was the best way to deal with that feeling in a rational way. You can't lose your sense of logic, no matter how beautiful and euphoric the feelings are. Emotions will leave you stranded in a place you don't have sufficient reasoning to escape from.

>>34836457
Also this seems like a good article:
http://www.ibpf.org/blog/mania-spiritual-experience

Search stuff like "bipolar spirituality", "psychosis spirituality", etc, and read everything you can. Thankfully we are going crazy in the age of the internet, so we have a lot more information available to us than the older nutsos did.

>>34836615
That's what I'm worried about. I always have vivid thoughts and emotions and I'm afraid of one day just being swept up by them. Today I was at the mall and I imagined I was the Paranoid Android from the Radiohead song sent by aliens to record humans and report back to them so they can invade us and destroy us. Of course I logically KNOW that this is all make believe but it feels so damn vivid. I just feel like... why not... maybe I am a robot? But I know I'm not

>>34836679
Yeah, I'll search those terms. Most of what I've looked up about bipolar doesn't mention much about delusions but I've heard it's a symptom

>>34836754
You could write stories about that. The fact you are aware of it, like you're watching yourself think/act out these things, means you are quite a long way from using it. Seriously, you could turn that into a really cool short story or something. Don't give up on your mind just because it seems weird. You have a unique way of looking at the world, and you need to express that in ways that don't make you persecute/torture yourself.

>>34836792
quite a long way from losing it*

>>34836792
Thank you anon, I've actually thought of writing stories but I do need to work on my literary skills some more first

I kinda wanted to put myself in a room with weed and a laptop but I don't want to smoke anymore since it makes me outright hallucinate. I was very stoned one time and I imagined that my friend told me he had been a blackout drunk in the past, and kept on insisting on it when I was doubting him. When I had asked him about the conversation the next day he said he'd been sober all his life.

>>34836118
You do have a choice.

You need to be stronger than you think you are... because you are.

>>34836866
Damn, I know exactly what it's like to be that high. I've found that smoking weed absolutely does not benefit people like us, unless somehow our mental state is calm enough not to allow for anxiety/delusions/halluciations or whatever. You're probably better off drinking instead, as long as you don't do it too often. Many a writer have produced works while drunk, as it facilitates acting on the things one is usually too paralyzed to express/do at all. As for your literary skills, you can write English at a higher level than most English speakers, so you ought to just vomit out words onto a page and keep doing that until you form an entire story. Self-doubt is a natural feeling to the creator. Even a great genius will hate himself when the entire world venerates his works.

>>34836940
Those are kind words, and they remind me of a strength I feel I am slowly losing. Thank you so much.

>>34835729
maybe dissociative disorder

>>34836966
Thank you for the kind words anon, they reassure me. I'll try writing something out, any sort of idea that comes to me.

I wish you the best with your mental issues. Go seek treatment, I bet it'll help you

Anyway, I've got to try and sleep... though I do feel a bit scared right now

>>34837027
You too. Thanks for keeping me company for a little while, on this tiny thread in the vast universe of the internet. Have a good rest my friend.

>>34835551
>>34835678
this is sad. i came across this guy about a year ago on another board and checked out some of his stuff. internet schizophrenics are another troubling proof that some people in society are throwaways. and there are so many of them.

I was diagnosed a year ago, just like my dad I started to get my symptoms in my early 20's. Mostly it's just a fear that people are out to get me. When I go shopping I'm constantly watching everyone to see if they're watching me, every time I see an employee I think they're going to come up and accuse me of something. Whenever I walk past someone I think they are looking at me or if it's dark they are going to try to mug me. My dad had much worse symptoms than me at my age, and I try to avoid drugs and alcohol. So far I'm doing alright. I'm currently trying to get on social security however because I'm at the point that I can't hold down a job because I keep convincing myself my co-workers are plotting against me. I don't want to go antipsychotics yet, I'm trying to learn to fight the thoughts that seem to suddenly appear in my head without any logic.

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>>34833825
>lack of hygeine
>no motivation
- Concentration problems
- Memory problems
- Psychotic/delusional ideas (not full stuff yet)
- Pseudohallucinations/minor stuff
>passivity
>lack of spontaneous conversation not made of jokes/puns/rhymes/idioms/figures of speech
>inappropriate dress
>anxiety/panic/fear/terror
>only do things when forced by parents, would sit and do little to nothing goal oriented
>cant multi task
>nothing is fun any more except image boards and other forms of constant instant stimulation such as drugs, porn, and etc...
>suspicions of others intentions
>no job or plans to get one
>clumsy
>social isolation
>think people are talking/laughing/gossiping about you
>meh/poor social skills
>sudden problems having conversations with people
>voice in your head thinks/says things you can't control that pop into your head and inspire cringe moments, insult you, berate you, attack you, make you feel retarded/worthless
>replay past failures in your head over and over and all the negative emotions come back
>thoughts in different peoples voices in your head you can't control that comment on your actions, insult you, say put downs, etc...
by voices, i mean inner voice. Yes, this counts for schizophrenia if the above are true. You feel those intense heart racing/cringe/anxiety when you remember those things so intensely because your brain has trouble interpreting internal stimuli from external. In time, that will develop into hearing external voices instead if not caught

These sound familiar? Maybe your social anxiety isn't just social anxiety. all this shit points to schizophrenia, bipolar with psychotic features, or psychotic depression.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prodrome
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_intervention_in_psychosis
http://schizophrenia.com/earlysigns.htm

Fufufu I remember a time I was on an experimental new antipsychotic for BPD that made me really really manic in retrospect. I didn't know that divine spirituality thing was actually a symptom. I remember changing all my songs to Christian music, talking to everyone I met feeling like I was charismatic and stuff. Then slamming into depression and finding ridiculously high amounts of PCP in my system from the drug. Never again.

>>34837136
>I don't want to go antipsychotics yet, I'm trying to learn to fight the thoughts that seem to suddenly appear in my head without any logic.
I'm proud of you, anon. That's very important to do. You have to promise yourself you'll get help if you ever star to lose control, though. Whether it's talking to a friend, making a thread here, seeing a professional... Anything that helps you keep your grasp of reality.

>>34837253
Like I said it's not to the point where I can't examine things logically and realize they're bizarre fabrications of my mind. About a week ago I felt a slight pressure in my side and was suddenly sure I'd somehow been poisoned and my kidneys were going to explode. Took like 20 minutes to get over the panic attack that caused, but I managed to coach myself out of it. I also keep finding myself convinced that the image captcha is somehow some vague plan to help the NSA enslave us by making an omnipotent AI, although that one probably isn't far from reality.

>>34835729
sounds like your standard depression/ derealization

the more you focus on how weird it feels the worse it'll get, just try to ignore it as best as possible

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>>34837138

at least 80 pct of this is me

mental illness runs in my family but not immediate family. my mom is depressed but idk that it's clinical; i think her life just sucked growing up and she's better now. uncle was bipolar/manic depressive and killed himself. my aunt was anti-social personality/probable narcissist or sociopath and smoked herself to death [dead from emphysema before 50 yrs], my aunt on dad's side is depressed and has 2 autistic kids.

idk if that means my genes are fucked but whatev.

> Psychotic/delusional ideas (not full stuff yet)
> Pseudohallucinations/minor stuff

i've had a little bit of this stuff. got real into conspiracy nut stuff years ago in college while i was friendless and smokin weed everyday and poppin adderal about twice a month for a year.

>voice in your head thinks/says things you can't control that pop into your head and inspire cringe moments, insult you, berate you, attack you, make you feel retarded/worthless
>replay past failures in your head over and over and all the negative emotions come back
>thoughts in different peoples voices in your head you can't control that comment on your actions, insult you, say put downs, etc...

none of that shit tho

>>34835681
>april
>green

>>34835551
What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you seek out a stranger like that? His delusions of strangers focusing on him just became real the moment you did that. Something is wrong with you, and you probably don't even realize it. Fuck.

>>34835729
It's okay. Our consciousness doesn't actually exist. It's more of a function of the physical nature of our brains. That's something that, when I realized it, kind of blew my mind. I don't know if I explained it well enough, but... It's like our brains cause our consciousness. Plug in some numbers to an equation and the answer will always be the same. So, our consciousnesses are simply the results of extremely complex equations, calculated out by our brains.

>>34835917
Agreed. August is CERTAINLY green.

>>34833825
the worst shit ever. my mother in law has it and says the same fucking shit everyday and only talks about how she will either quit smoking/drinking/going to lose weight. she takes a shot of something for it once a month. but I am beyond annoyed with her

>>34836174
go go go go go to doctor nowww

>>34836457
Are you literally me?

I'm sure this won't be original, so hopefully this should fix that.

>>34836394
can drug abuse be considered dangerous enough that I would be locked up?

>>34839486
Yes, so just don't mention that bit, if possible

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>>34835817
Hate to be the one to tell you but I think you're schizophrenic

>>34835938
>getting home and thinking I might of hit someone with my car despite not
I do this. Sometimes I'm afraid I've dissociated and committed crimes. There was an arsonist in my area that I was almost convinced was me. And a few other incidents.

I am diagnosed with simple schizophrenia which is kinda stupid since I was really paranoid from age 14 to 16-17 and had some auditory hallucinations at age 21 (I'm 25) but whatever.

I just hope it won't get worse.

I have bpd with psychotic features (hallucinations, voices, all that good stuff)

Off my meds, hope it doesn't come back

its like tarot
you have a question, pick a random card
what does it tell you, what can it possibly tell you
in the end
you make up what it wants to tell you
this can feel like there is no fixed point to anything
avoid fear, panic, greed
what comes up comes down

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searching for the "other"

>>34833825
I have Schizoid Personality Disorder instead

>>34835910
you might be right. i feel like the symptoms started around the beginning of college as well, and i was having big panic attacks back then. sucks that they've stuck around for so long
>>34837459
fuck. how can i ignore it when it affects the way i experience all thoughts and sensations? (sight, touch, etc)