/cripplingdepression/ general

>>34785230
lmao hacks are too obv mate.

>tfw my depression is no longer crippling
>tfw no drinking threads
>tfw i miss being nocturnal

>>34785252
So you're getting better but also missing your former self?

I've been listening to a lot of music. It's been helping with being depressed.
When I find a really good song I can't help but bang my head to it and jump around in my room like an autist

>>34785252
currently me

i want to go back to fatigue and depression

>>34785353
what have you been listening to recently?

>>34785376
I have been really obsessed with this band called PUP. They're amazing and have helped me to feel so much better. I really like metal/metalcore/punk rock stuff like that.

>>34785416
link me their stuff my dude

>>34785230
>abusing drugs
>wake up today, feeling awful having panic attacks
>realize I haven't been focusing on my schooling as much as I should, about to graduate and I feel like an imposter in my field even though I've gotten good grades
>thinking about my relationship with my girlfriend and how I could lose her if I don't start focusing on my goals
>worried my health is in danger, that I've ruined my attention spam with molly and cocaine
>feel depression and anxiety full force, no escape, alone because girlfriend now lives far away

>>34785313
Only better according to society, i'm just in zombie mode now, just working a bunch, never thinking. Atleast I used to be someone, and some things were interesting, now everything is just eh.

>>34785432
I've been listening to their two albums over and over again every single day for like a few months now lol
here's the one I'm listening to right now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpkBwyiMGZQ

>>34785463
You need to get professional help my dude. That sounds like a lot to handle :(

>>34785477
Do you have any hobbies, things to do outside of work?

>>34785479
I'll check it out in a second, thanks dood

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>>34785230
AAAGGGGGHHHHGAAGAGGGHAAGHHHAAAAAGHAAAAAAA

>>34785499
You're welcome, I hope you like it :)
I always like sharing music with people it makes me feel happy for some reason.
Do you have any suggestions for me? I'm open to any kind of music.

Had to cut things off with the girl I'm in love with. She's a toxic person, abused me emotionally and verbally and made it obvious that she fucking one of my friends. Im stillvin love with her, and she loves me but not in that way. She truly does care about me but shes too high maintenance for me. On top of this I'm about to graduate with a useless degree and have no idea what to do with my life. I haven't been happy in years and think about suicide at least once a day. I'm such a failure, never been in a relationship, have a hard time opening up to people and addicted to cigarettes and smoke way too much weed. All of these things I can change but have no motivation to do so.

>>34785481
I don't think so, I think I've caught myself right before the edge, it's just scary how far the drop is now that I'm at the edge. Like I've never thought about how jmuch I have to lose. And now I'm incredibly depressed about the time I've wasted and the damage I've caused myself and loved ones, especially my girlfriend. When I say scary, I mean it's fucking scary, like a bad dream but then you realize you are awake. I need to stay calm and go to sleep soon

>>34785230
Ready to die reporting in

RAVIOLI

I hate faggots with depresion and and axiety combos try depression and paranoia just the fact that i have no one to turn to

>>34785499
No, i work a lot then am usually drunk when not working, as i said, everything is eh to me

Everything sucks, been depressed for a long time, was hospitalized in 2015 and got meds but never got any real help. I'm just trucking through so my gf can stay functional, but she doesn't have a job, hasn't had one for a long time, she loves me but I put 85 percent of the effort into the relationship and it gets tiring.
I still think about killing myself every day. I've been thinking about cutting myself the fuck up, writing "see you in hell motherfuckers" on my "family's" house walls then blowing my brains out

>>34785756
I meant writing that in my own blood

>>34785718
dude..

same fucking here, I get so manic I actually get paranoid

>>34785505
same senpai

>>34785525
Sharing music is great, its a good way of expressing yourself.
Ill think of some and share

>>34785550
Thats a good idea my dude. thats the first step to really improving, cutting awful people out

>>34785573
If you can handle it i hope you deserve the best my dude

>>34785654
same senpai

>>34785737
ive got you ive got you
how long have you felt like this?

>>34785756
YOuve never seen a therapist or anything? Think something like that would help?

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>>34785230

Turned 32 on Sunday. Still a wizard.

Oddly enough I've felt okay for the past few weeks after feeling like absolute shit for the past two months prior. Been trying to lose myself in work. Tackling some issues that need to be dealt with even though they're technically not my responsibility at my office job and waiting tables a few nights a week on top of that.

At the very least I'm making decent cash for the first time in my life.

>>34785870
>how long have you felt like this?
maybe 8 months, it started shortly before i started working and was mostly the reason why i stopped being a neet because nothing was fun anymore so i may as well work if i have nothing better to do.

>>34785899
going to have to take this pic

Spent this morning at work just thinking about killing myself
The worry is that I like both the ideas of finally not suffering anymore and finally having someone take (short) notice of me
Now that there are multiple precieved benefits I actually have to talk myself away from it (not that I have the means to do so anyways)

I'm going skiing with old friends tomorrow though so hopefully that helps

>>34785790
paranoia, mania, wild energy, jitters
different words, all the same, to me, at least.

>>34785899
Sex isnt all its cracked up to be. I just want a loving relationship
Did anything change over the past few weeks?

>>34785964
kKeeping your mind off of things wiht skiiing should help. How long have you wanted to die?

>>34785230
Tapering off of antidepressants. Starting to feel "reality" again.

>>34786087
Nah, its just your perception of reality. I think of drugs as glasses anyways
Did they help or do anything?

>>34785963

Sloths are pretty awesome

>>34786051
Not really, although I'm finally seeing some results from my work at my office job, and it feels good that I'm solving issues and making things more efficient.

Yeah, I think I want a loving relationship more than just sex, but how many girls would be willing to give someone my age a chance?

>>34786218
32? Plenty
You're young, find someone 30ish and fuck

Should i try hard drugs boys

If so what are the best kind to take without me risking a bad trip

>>34786508
Do x or coke. Preferably x.

If you use it on a night on which youre feeling good already, its going to blow your mind.

>>34786508
Nope, idk

>went to the roof of Mitchell Hall at GWU
>contemplated jumping off
>thought about the news headlines
>"Latino student commits suicide in front of the US State Department Building"
>realized the media might connect it to Trump
>decided not to

That crazy xenophobic bastard actually may have saved my life

anyone else kinda feel worthless most of the time?

i changed some brake shoes today, changed oil, took off a gas tank and stuff like that.

i felt like an idiot when this one trucks back brakes didnt work because apparently i adjusted the slack adjuster the wrong way, ill just let my uncle do that or ask him to watch me next time and see if im doing it right.

the only part of it that i always hate is the occasional event of steering a pickup that wont crank while being pulled in revrse by a fork lift, i suck at it but i can back up a car when its me in control of the gas. every time i do this my uncle is always yelling over the sound of the forklift saying stuff like straighten up or cut it to your right. i just suck at gauging how and where to turn when being pulled in reverse. thinking about it makes me feel like an idiot

>>34785353
oh god, what youve been listening? im looking for a music that makes me bang my head to it and jump around in my room like an autist since 1996

>>34786730
Yeah, I get that. I was volunteering at the "Centro de Ayuda" in Annapolis, was working with some Salvadorian kid to get linked up with their family so they could stay in America, but there were like 4 crucial words I couldn't translate and I felt like utter shit. Like I'm a fucking latino, my surname is "Gomez" ffs, and I had to ask some black girl to help me.

My stupidity could have sent that kid back to that murderous hellhole. And the worst part is that I seriously considered not saying anything, because I was embarrassed. Would have ruined that kid's paperwork.

Wish somebody would just kill me.

>>34786800
you sound like a nice guy, go easy on yourself

>>34786676
go talk to someone. Universities have great counseling systems.

>>34786839
Nah. My school is already giving me like $40k per year, no need to drain more of their time and money.

Plus I want to join the military and serve my 4 years before killing myself, can't do that if I go get treated for whatever the hell I've got now (apparently the military doesn't let psychos in, which I guess is understandable).

>>34786730
me, but at least you're doing something my dude
i sit around and do nothing

>>34786730
But keep in mind most people wont even try to change oil so your ahead of the game

>>34786868
Does it really sound like a good idea for you to be in the military? You shouldnt get past the psych tests.

You sound like a headline waiting to happen.

>>34785416
It looks like the kid from Stranger Things

I rage quit a Discord server because everyone in it, who were my friends, were basically actively insulting me because they were living active, normal, healthy lifestyles making it sound like the easiest thing in the world.

I wish I could just make them understand instead of running away. But it's too late now. The damage is done.

>>34785463
How long have you been using cocaine for, is it on or off kind of thing or daily?

>>34786508
there was a recent study that shrooms can greatly relieve depression. I've thought about trying it

>>34786047
Yeah dude I have just gotten used to it, now I feel like I can rationalize my way out of my states.. I mean at least while I am up, when the lows come its a little bit different

>>34786586
Oh yeah,

Yeah it will.. especially if you haven't done it before.. you will be in for a very pleasant surprise

Fuck coke, just get the x

>>34787077
if theyre being rude fuck em
you dont have to be around them

Everything is going great lately and I still want to die. My only solace is from booze. I'm drunk every night and most days. When I have a breath of sobriety I spend all day on the verge of tears. Thoughts of my own inadequacy flood my brain. A voice in my head screams that I'm pathetic for having feelings for her and my friends all hate me and i'm just the next fuck up in my family and the trains coming and you should just fucking jump on the tracks and make everyones life a little easier. Take one nail from off the chalkboard. Maybe they wont have to have your annoying voice and your annoying thoughts buzzing at the side of their head every morning, noon, and night.

I fucking suck and I don't understand why people stay around me but only a fucking narcissist would ask someone to explain what's so great about ME. I know thats what I want. I want proof of life. I want someone to tell me I'm good enough and I want to believe it. I want her to tell me why she thinks I'm good, why she endures me fucking her. Why she endures me talking to her in my bed at night. I want to be validated in the most overblown, exorbitant display of affection by EVERYONE.

I'm fuckin pathetic, boys.

It's worse than loneliness skelly, it's knowing those who used to be your friends are just ignoring you.

>>34785899
hmm, I cant wait till I make decent cash and am in my actual professionalized occupation that im going to school for. Like, I have been working since I was in grade seven and all these minimu wage jobs begin to feel all the same. Sometimes I wish I could just hit the fast forward button and be in my 30's established with a down payment on a house, a car I can call my own and have some feeling of actually being independent. Dont worry about the wizard thing dude women are whores anyway and are literally objects once you realize that you dont need anyone but yourself because deep down inside you know your worth it women become nothing but a cherry on the cake and me personally I never liked cherry's so fuck them, but if your striving for companionship good for you and I wish you luck

>>34787183
YOu need new friends my dude. They sound awful

>>34787175
Mental illness is fucke dmy dude.
You ever been on medicines? It could help

>>34787175
Hey dude your good enough man, if you need someone to talk to hit me up on kik- 7gbackwoods

>>34787175
Getting sober isn't easy man

You have to learn how to properly deal with yourself again without using a crutch.. its not just getting over a chemical problem, that's unfortunately the easy part

Im a still reeling from methadone almost 5 months later, my PAWS symtpoms haven't even peaked yet and it feels like Bi-polar depression.. still can't sleep without meds

The sooner you do it though, the better off you will be

>I can't even believe I am able to say this

You really do start getting better, you are gonna feel like shit for a long time though and its going to seem hopeless, I was just lucky enough my family hadn't completely disowned me, otherwise I would probably be dead, and when I was using, I honestly didn't care.

Drugs are fucked up in a way, but honestly I would still do them again because that's just kind of who I am

But at least now, I can take it or leave it so that helps you learn how to be an adult

>>34787322
I agree with you fellow anon I was heavily addicted to opiates for around 5 years, thought I could take it or leave it then I took morphine and shit totally fucked me up however i've managed to be 8 ina half months sober thanks to cannabis and kratom mostly just kratom which im only taking 10g every other day of. I also have to remember to give credit to myself however my family played i huge role in helping me as well

>>34787255
>You ever been on medicines?
I'll always think that medicine will rob me of what makes me me. I have a friend who's on anti-depressants now and he's still him, but I'd still be scared. I like my outward appearance too much to change is the issue.

>>34787318
Solid kik name

>>34787322
Maybe substances are my problem idk. I like booze though.

>>34787379
Yeah I haven't actually felt human in 8 years man

Its honestly insane, but I am still hoping to be another Layne Staley if you want my honest opinion because I don't think I will ever feel as alive as I did on heroin,

It wasn't just like a depression thing or just drug addiction for me, that shit made me alive

w/e though, maybe things change

>>34787424
I sort of doubt it anon

As long as it isn't you everyday functioning that is being inhibited by it, you aren't really an addict, you have just trained yourself to expect it at a certain time so that craving becomes present since you have made it a routine

That shit is like breaking an annoying habit, its gonna bug you but I doubt it will make you sick

Unless you are drinking a lot more than I think you are, but judging from what you said it seems like you just have a few drinks every night

When you start drinking in the day time, we've got a problem

>>34787470
I drink after breakfast. I wait 'till after classes to get drunk though. I just drink in the morning to quiet everything down, helps me keep one train of thought going. Otherwise formulating a question or comment for my classes is like trying to heard ocelots.

>>34787432
Unfortunately I believe that once you touch an opiate you can never go back, like I understand kratom is like an opiate and I was doing so well but during the wnter I always get the worst depression and was tempted to re-use however I decided I would use a safer route and use kratom instead I know that if I touch that shit again I'll go right back to where I was and for me I was in a real bad place. Fellow anon I not only believe but I know that you will be and grow into someone you who will learn to love themselves just remember that, your a good person you deserve better :)

>>34787528
Yeah immediately you will

Only after about 3-5 years has your central and autonomic nervous system completely restored itself

Anytime before that general period you are taking a huge gamble, you could literally undo all the work you did within just a few days.. that sort of keeps me away from it because I'll really be able to judge whether or not anything changes by then

>>34787509
I know what you mean

Alcohol never lasted long enough for me though

It is way too short lived, just be careful man you should try to cut it out in the morning at least if I were you, its a slippery slope.

i cant really seperate my life from my brain. like my brain is rough shape, therefore it doesnt have the functionality to properly judge my life. i dont have emotions either besides like paranoia and frustration.

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I didn't get into college. I want to die

>>34785230
Well I'm on thin ice at my job because of the days I've missed, but other than that idk i guess I'm ok

>>34788618
Just do a semester at community college then transfer anon. I know what you are feeling but you can get around it.

>>34787144
hypomania is by far the best state.
long depressive states are the worst.
mania is the one that's going to kill me/get me locked up in the funny farm or worse one day.

>tfw my dads got fucking dementia at 62 years old
>mum refuses to put him in care or at least get some in house respite care
>tfw the stress and heart ache is killing my mum
>went home for xmas, mum has aged 5 years in 6 months, Dad didn't recognise me or my sister
>extreme guilt about not being there to help but mum made it clear us getting on with our lives would make her happier than dropping everything to help her
>two years ago my parents were the perfect picture of happy and still in love couple enjoying their early retirement
>tfw everything is fucked

>>34789262
iktf, just waiting for the sweet embrace of death now

>>34785230
Is it normal to constantly repeat that I'm going to kill myself over and over?