Meanwhile, on the /r9k/ space station...

>beeping noise over intercom

I tricked all the femanons into going into Bay 75 by telling them it was a camwhore party, and then I sealed the airlocks and fired it into the sun

>>34721437
Random true chicken story...

Chickens are HORRIBLE pets! All the disadvantages of a velociraptor, none of the benefits.

When I was 16, my parents left me at home while they and my little brother went the the Farmer's Market. They returned with a small box with air holes punched into it. Inside was an adorable baby chick. All fine and good except... we lived in an exclusive gated community in the suburbs of a major metropolitan city. I asked the obvious question, "what happens when it gets bigger"? No one was around to answer me because they had gone over by our pool to bond with the baby chick.

I was kind of taken aback. I mean, the homes in our neighborhood cost over $600,000. A chicken, really? What were we, the Beverly Hillbillies? The Home Owner's Association wasn't happy either, but they could do nothing. The restrictions only said that no pets over 25 lbs were allowed, but not what types. Theoretically, you could own a 25 lb. Spotted Ugandan Death Badger and they couldn't do a thing about it. To their credit they closed that loophole, but "Louise" (my mom named it after my grandmother) was already grand-chickened in.

Cut to 6 months later. The chicken now weighs 11 lbs and is crapping all over our expensive hardwood floors. My parents happily resolved this by hiring a carpenter to build a chicken coop/condo beyond the pool that was an exact miniature replica of our actual house. They also had our entire yard, 1.25 acres, fenced in with a 5 foot high cedar fence. All told, about $18,000 spent for the well being of this chicken. That might have been my college fund money they used for this project, who knows.

This is Commander Kek, requesting an immediate resupply of chicken tendies with honey mustard dipping sauce.

Over.

>>34721460
Anyways, everybody loves the chicken. It would follow my mom around clucking and cooing at her. The chicken would crap all over my dad's Lexus every morning and he'd just rinse the car off and pet the chicken on the head on the way out as he talked baby-talk to it. My little brother would go into the backyard with the chicken and tell it all his deepest fears and hopes; it was the little sister he never had.

Me? I hated this chicken! It was mean to me for no reason at all! I liked it as much as anyone at first, but then it started pecking me. Her beak was sharp and she could absolutely draw blood when she wanted to. She would wait till I was sleeping and peck any exposed limb on me and scare the crap out of me. She was waging psychological chicken warfare on me and it was working because I was eventually terrified of her. I was one rung below her on the pecking order, literally.

One day everyone was out of the house and I was reading a book by the pool. On the other side of the pool, Louise was staring me down. She was going to attack, I just sensed it. Suddenly, she burst into a Naruto-like ninja run right at me. I sprang out my chair in complete panic. I outweighed this beast by 135 lbs and yet I was completely terrified of it. She chased me all the way to our fence and in my terror to escape her, I sprang over the fence in a single jump. Adrenaline can make you do amazing physical feats it seems. My hate for that chicken was cemented forever that day though. Forever.

>>34721437
>we have a possible non-virgin in eastern sector 7. The termination team in en route to assess the situation.

>>34721472
Anyways, 5 months later a stray cat resolved the "Louise Dilemma" permanently for me. Everyone except me was devastated. Yet even in death she tormented me. The family insisted we hold a damned formal funeral for the chicken in our yard! My dad and brother wore their Sunday suits, my mom her favorite spring dress and hat. I had to attend as well. Unbelievable.

I was furious that, even in death, this chicken was taunting me. I was actually shaking from anger and righteous indignation. My mom saw me shaking and wrapped her arms around me, thinking I was crying over the chicken. Through her own tears she said, "I know how much she meant to you, she meant so much to all of us. Tomorrow we'll go out and get a new baby chick, I promise".

To this day I just can't even.

Just.. can't.

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Hey, hey, hooman! Why're you always comin' into my bar alone? You know what, I've never even seen you use the holodecks we got, you just sit here and drink alone every night.
How 'bout this, I got a brand new program in just today from a Bolean trader - Risan Girls Gone Wild 2, and let me just tell you - they go wild alright. Since you seem like a, uh, lonely guy... I'll let you use this program for one whole hour for let's say... 15? No, for you, 10 slips of gold pressed latinum, and that's a good deal, it's a brand new program!
They let you do ANYTHING, hooman. Any. Thing. We got a deal?

This is robot trap one, reporting from E.V.A.

Please let me back into the /r9k/ station, over, my oxygen is getting low

>>34721487
10 slips is thievery!

>>34721487
Anything Mr. Farengi, truly, you are my greatest ally.

>>34721437
>ex takes weightlifting class at college
>gets strong
>starts drinking too
>she starts going out every night
>she doesn't like when i go with her... she doesn't say anything but i can tell she's disappointed when i ask if i can go with her
>let her go out drinking, cant stop her without seeming like a "buzzkill"
>she comes home drunk one night. she comes home drunk every night lol...
>tell her im a little sad that i couldn't go, i want to party with her too
>she gets mad at me
>"stop trying to always butt in with my friends"
>"why are you so fucking controlling anyways?"
>"You dont do anything. you dont help. you just spend MY money"
>"Seriously, what fucking good are you?"
>I tell her she's scary and i want to stay at my moms house
>she stands in between me and the door
>"No, you're not fucking leaving"
>"Please let me go? you're scaring me. please? I love you."
>"THEN STOP TRYING TO FUCKING CONTROL ME."
>"lets see how you fucking like it."
>she starts pulling my clothes off
>she's kind of drunk and rips my shirt ):
>"spend all my fucking money, you owe me this"
>fingers me while she's pushing her fingers in with her hips
>feels like getting fucked
>try to stop her, cum
>cry on the floor
>she passes out in the bed
>sleep in the bathroom

>>34721519
ok sure
>so she had a cuck fetish and kept asking me to cheat on her
>used to talk about it in bed and tease her but never thought about it for real
>..........until it was real
>like i met this other girl while i was out at the mall.
>i felt a real connection
>anyways, i called my girlfriend and told her i met another girl and if she really really really wanted me to cuck her or if it was just a fantasy
>she talks really sexy
>"you should kiss her right now... i bet her lips are so soft. wouldn't you love to feel them on you? i want you to cum in her arms"
>turning me on, nnnn......decide to cuck her
>.....sleep with this other girl
>come home, dont know if she's home or not... find her in the bedroom.
>she's really fucking mad and drunk.
>oh god i really fucked up badfuk
>why did you cheat on me? what the fuck is wrong with you? why did you fuck some other girl? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
>throws something at me??
>fuck run in bathroom shut the door
>oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
>she smashes the door off its hinges
>aah fuck terrified just kind of freeze, cant react
>starts raping me like before
>"dont lie slut, you fucking love this."
>goddammitt.....start cumming really fucking hard. god fuck i kind of love her. and hate her. reallly conflicting want to forgive her
>she storms out of the house and drives off to get drunk somewhere else

k thats it.

*teleports behind earth*

*unzips low orbit ion cannon*

*starts wiping out the cities of earth one by one*

pssh... nothin personnel... normans...

Fuck I need to play spass station 13 again

>>34721437
>**Message recorded at 15:48**
Hey, John, it's Bill from Monetary, I I just wanted to call you you to inform you you on a few things to keep you you updated on what's going on. I I just got word from the DM that the quarterly report you're working on had it's due date pushed back two days, so you have more time to work on that. I know you've been stressing out on that. I also wanted to call you to let you know that the microwave in break room 3 has a problem with it's magnetron or something... it starts making a weird smell after being used for a while, so uh, if you need to use it, make sure that you only use it for like 30 seconds or less. It might be a few days before the Boss gets around to replacing it. You know how he is about spending... That's about it for now. I'll try to keep you updated on how things are going in our department as well. I can't believe I got moved to the other side of the building... Anyway, I've gotta get going. These paychecks aren't going to fill themselves out, right? I'll talk to you after work.
>*message ended at 15:53*

Stupid intercom the AI must be malfunctioning again

>>34721418
*honk*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2xkpz-26jM

>>34721484

GENERALLY OPERATING NORMALLY
A SMALL ANOMALY HAS BECOME EVIDENT
AND PROBABLY SHOULD BE NOTED
THERE IS SPIKING IN THE PULSE OF A MEMBER OF THE CARGO
AND THE CREW AND OTHER PASSENGERS HAVE NOT BEGUN TO NOTICE
THE FACILITY YOU CERTAINLY HAVE TAKEN STEPS TO CULTIVATE
FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES WOULD TOTALLY ACCEPT IT
BUT THE READINGS THAT ARE COMING THROUGH
WHILE NOT NEGATING WHOLLY THE HYPOTHESIS
SEEM TO BE UNABLE TO SUGGEST IT

FIRST: THE RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION SHOULD BE TO
ADMINISTER A SEDATIVE TO ALL THE CARGO VIA VENTILATION
THE SHIP IS FULLY CAPABLE OF AUTOMATING THIS
BUT REQUIRES AN APPROVAL CODE FROM THE ADMINISTRATION
AGAIN, IT CANNOT EASILY BE OVERSTATED THE IMPORTANCE OF ALACRITY
IN ACTING OUT THE TASK COMMANDED
THE PULSES OF THE CARGO ARE STILL RISING AND ENDORPHINS
THAT ARE OFTEN LINKED TO VIOLENCE ARE TOO CRITICAL TO MANAGE

NOW: ONE SPECIFICALLY IS UP AND MOVING TO THE DOOR
HE HAS FOUND THE ACCESS PANEL SITUATED IN THE FLOOR
HE IS ENTERING THE CODES AND OVERRIDING HAS BEGUN
READING RAGE IN THE NERVOUS SYSTEM, NOTHING CAN BE DONE
IT SEEMS TO CIRCUMVENT NECESSITY OF PHYSICAL RESTRAINTS
SEND SECURITY IMMEDIATELY OVER TO THE GATE
AND REMEMBER THAT THESE BEINGS WERE SELECTED FOR THEIR STRENGTH
USE YOUR ARMY SENSE ACCORDINGLY IN ORDER TO BE SAFE

>>34721459

>Not firing the Chads into the sun by promising totally not homo-erotic MMA faggotry and thereby having the monopoly on roastie sex.

>>34721418
TRANSMITTING....TRANSMITTING....ANY ALIEN QT GIRLFRIENDS OUT THERE?....THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM TFW SPACE DOCK...PLEASE BE MY GF....

..."the fridge is empty guys; who's going to the market station ?"

>>34721487
>implying I wouldn't join starfleet, as a janitor and test subject, just for free holodeck access
Also, 10 slips of latinum is a fucking rip-off. Wait 'til Odo hears about this.

>>34721487
>tfw will never get wasted on alien booze at Quark's while listening to the tales of drunken Klingons and winning at Dabo
why even live?

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>>34721693
>winning at Dabo

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WHICH ONE OF YOU FAGGOTS STOLE MY SPACE TENDIES, REEEEEE

LETS RAID SOME PLANETS YOU DOUBLE NIGGERS

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>the commander found the cum capsule

>>34721962
>O'Brien found the teleporter buffer full of Cardassian females(male.)

>>34721713
I'd have to go on that one day when those aliens that grant everyone's wishes show up

space is good place

This is the communications officer here. There's a ship that is rapidly approaching our docking bay, and it's not hailing our transmissions. What should we do? It seems to have its cargo bay damaged, and the only information we have on it is that it's called the USG Ishimura. I fucking hope there's no damn normies onboard

>>34722208
Keep the bay closed. Let it crash into us. End it all.

>Somebody jettison the piss-vacuumpacks, the captain is on his way down.

>>34721437
Forget it, I give up. I really do. I don't care what you say, I only cared why. But now I can't even find myself angry over that anymore. I had a very extensive response written out, touching on the subject matter and your tone, but I deleted in favor of this. Because no matter what I say, to you I'm an evil creature. A little goblin you've painted in your mind. But speaking as the human I am I hate you. I hate you. I don't think you fully understand what that means but I hate you. You drove me to apathy. I simply hate you. Adding curses would actually take away from how serious I am when I say I Hate You. I won't tell you why, because you're not even worth the time to tell. I don't often experience true hate, but here I do. I hate you. May God forgive me for it but I do hate you.

>>34722208
impregnate the necromorphs

>>34721486
Me no good write but I also had chicken. It would stare at me through the window, attack my cat and peck me. My cat was terrified of it.

>>34722269
This. We're already infested with trip users. At least this way someone won't threaten to cut off the life support systems unless we shove him into an air lock for jettison at some weird hour when no one feels like getting out of bed to do something.

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Anyone up for looting space pod six?

>>34721418
You don't remember what happened? The piss bottles floated into the ventilation system and everyone drowned in their own urine.

Rip 2011 space crew.

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Annihilate the normie planet immedietaly!

>>34721529
Full mast so fast got my dick in a cast