Where did it all go wrong

>>34717775
The belief that I'm not actually capable of success. No matter how much I want it I cannot see myself working in my dream job.

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>>34717775
I'm pretty sure I was doomed to be like this since birth. One of my most early memories was me being at a friend's b-day party, and I was really scared from being around lots of people I didn't know. I was probably 3-4 at the time, so I been screwed since my earliest days.
I was always doomed to have social anxiety, and no matter what I do, I'll never enjoy meeting new people alone.

>>34717775
My parents. For years I had low self esteem and beat myself up, I made everything bad that happened to me my fault and I was miserable because of it. I rejected friends and girls because I didn't believe that they could really want to be around me, I couldn't understand why they would say good things about me and be so nice to me because I saw myself as such a shitty person. I convinced myself that the affection I was being given was pity and that it didn't really mean anything.

One day it just sort of hit me like a train that maybe if my parents were around a bit more, if they would have given me a bit more encouragement, if every word from my mom wasn't some kind of insult and my dad wasn't as stoic as he was, I would have had a better opinion of myself as a kid. And if I had a better opinion of myself as a kid, when neural pathways in my brain were starting to really take form, I wouldn't have ended up the depressed wreck I am.
/vent

I think I was just this way from birth. I'm just a garbage person and a worthless coward

Parents arguing every single night during the ages of 4-12, being bullied during the same time at school pretty constantly.

Ingrained the autism and fear of people deep.

years of social isolation and fear of letting people inside

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>>34717775
>>34717803
>>34718404
>>34719234
delete this thread and these posts

Even with all the stuff that happened before it, ulcerative colitis diagnosis in 2012 fucked me up. I was always in bed or on the toilet from late 2013 November I guess to may 2014 before I buckled and stayed in the hospital. Fuck this disease. My dr says for me pooping 3 times a day is now my new normal. I miss foods I used to eat

Depersonalization helped me numb my emotions so I don't feel afraid of the void. By extent every feeling i get I can over overthink it into meaninglessness. Fear, love, sadness all just small meaningless pieces i can over evaluate so they don't have any real strength.

>>34717775
Army, that sweet 1 year put my mind together, give me a sense of direction, then 4 years later, after i retired from the army, i my sense of direction and purpose in life went to shit, now i don't have more hope or will to live like before, it just sucks

I was always shy, but being completely socially isolated and literally talking to 0 girls my age from 12-17 really fucked up my development or whatever, so now I am incapable of being a normally functioning member of society ever by the looks of things.

>>34717775
Mouthbreathing
orginel

My only friend during my grade 6 emotionally and sexually abusing me.

>>34717775
It wasn't a chain of events that led me to being who I am today. I guess I was always this way , just too ignorant and oblivious to notice.

My back pain from a failed squat made me hate everyone and everything.

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>>34717775
Shit tier genes and parents ever caring about me. The slim chance I could become someone who can provide for himself was lost from the start.

>>34720115
I only poop like 2 times a week is that odd. And how do you live what are your hobbies >>34720115

>>34717775
Being a sperg play a part on it.

There is also failed expectations and being intolerant toward normies culture and their attempt at assimilation.

I basically protected myself from the outside world and I do not usually go out.

>>34720811
I get an injection every week of a med called humira, that's got me in remission. I'm just neet living at home. Problem going out is my anxiety goes to my sensitive gut and I start to worry I might crap right there.

I'm ugly as hell. If that wasn't enough my parents treated me like shit growing up.

>>34717775
> thought it would be cool to be a moody loner in highschool
> started distancing myself from people
> social skills started deteriorating

32 m virgin los angeles

kik: zsasza

i would say high school

>age four
>ask my dad was I wasn't born a girl
>that instant look of disappointment and concern

That was where it began

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>>34717775
>father was kind of distant
>didn't socialize much as a kid
>learned to depend on myself
>can't relate to others well

>>34717775

Many times I would accidentally publicly humiliate myself when I was young. I guess that made me the person that I am.

Sleep disorder. I'm nocturnal half the time so I can't really function as a normie. Unless I can self employ somehow I'm going to be NEET forever.

I wish there was a point in time where it all went wrong, so I could at least remember back to before that time when I was happy

But the sad truth is I've always been this way.

>>34717775
My parents. In a good way though. They fostered my interests, were always supportive and encouraging. Even in spite of their separation they stayed on good terms so my brother and I had good adult role models. I do pretty well with girls, I've got a really solid group of friends. I'm at a great uni and I've got a bright future if I play my cards right. Even though they had me young and I suspect I was an accident they really made sure I had a good upbringing. I completely owe who I am to them. I just hope they're proud of me.

>>34719234
maybe you shouldve told your parents that you do this shit.

anyway, you can change everything right now...