About to talk to the therapist, she already gave me the PTSD

>>34382924
That your not gonna kill yourself and accept treatment. Don't be such a pussy

>>34382924
the truth

concerned original

>>34382924
Youre basically insane.
Dissociative symptons like yours are a kind of dissability

Tell her that psychology isn't real science.

>>34382924
just tell her exactl what you told us. why not? i used to be lost in my own fantasy world because i couldnt cope with shit. but after years of work i got things together and have a cool gf now. my parents and siblings all had kind of given up on me, just worried about me all the time, secretly suspecting i was gonna kill myself. therapy really helped, but i went in with the mentality of a fucking warrior. i went in determined to resolve the issues blocking me. it took years but i made it happen. i had to adopt an attitude where i didnt care what people thought, because in that transition phase out of my spergy insular whatever, i did and said lots and lots of awkward shit. but i trusted that i would get past that if i just kept going.

>>34383176
i remember riding the bus, listening to soundtracks for the blind. i felt like i was wearing a ghastly mask, everyone on the bus looked hideous and cruel. the lighting made everything seem unreal. living or dying didnt seem to matter. that was my lowest point. since that time i felt like a phantom, pushing the animated carcass of my body through the world, using every ounce of energy i had to make the illusion seem realistic. at that point there was no me, just a computer program running.

the only relief i ever got was in my fantasy world. there was a warm glowing heart in there, where i was loved and my life was meaningful. i drifted into this world constantly, for hours before i went to bed, after i woke up, during the day. without that world i definitely would have killed myself. it was like a tiny ember glowing in the ashes of my life.

>>34383235
the fantasy world was fixated on this sexual/nurturing presence whose appearance was constantly changing. she would comfort me, rely on me, laugh with me, fuck me endlessly. i was so used to people awkwardly catching my eye then looking away in horror. but this presence would hold my eye, and i would hold hers, and i could feel her empathy and love all the way down. i guess it was the only form of self-love i could muster. but it was something.

the location was an island in an infinite ocean. we lived there. i came to know this island intimately, its pools and forest and cliffs and paths and whatnot. i think the island was a sort of protective metaphor, the isolation of it was comforting. accessing it was very tricky, as there were cliffs surrounding it and dangerous rocks.

Just don't say anything too crazy like you plan on killing yourself or something because then they'll /psychward/ you pretty quick.

And nothing will make you feel more insane psychotic than a two week stay in a mental institution.

>>34383326
the therapy alone wasnt some external force that swept in and changed my life. i was prone to obsessive self analysis, like probably any neurotic or miserable person is. if you feel bad inside, all you can think about is why do i feel so fucking bad all the time?

i still dont really know the full answer, i think its too complicated. when you really get into the nitty gritty it just keeps going down, theres always another layer or aspect to your suffering. i was tearing myself apart trying to figure it all out.

i dont know exactly what changed, but i developed an attitude of, i am going to get outside of my own thoughts and think clearly about them. when i had these negative, intrusive thoughts, i didnt try to fight them head on. instead, i stepped aside like a matador and just let them happen. then from the side had a look at them. from that perspective i could see more clearly how distorted many of them were. it was at this point i went to therapy. my goal was to achieve more clarity on these intrusive negative thoughts, what is causing them and how distorted are they?

>>34383429
turns out, i was locked into this weird internal narrative of my own defectiveness. in reality my problems were not that bad, they were just being fed back through this narrative over and over and over, getting bigger and more consuming every time.

the therapy helped me see this narrative clearly, and start undoing the distortions that wracked my mind. there was a revelation one session, where i felt like i "snapped" back into my body. it was the strangest sensation. i started laughing like crazy and crying a little bit, as i felt like all my senses were restored. it was like waking up out of a coma. i could see and feel and smell and hear things.

i was no longer puppeteering my corpse through the waking life. i was my body and was alive again.

>>34382924
I've also had this same diagnosis. I'm currently doing fairly well for an unmedicated person not in therapy. I'm seriously just working all the time and completely ignoring all delusions as soon as I can identify them. I'm also drinking and smoking and doing drugs and losing my shit fairly often but still relatively much better in life than when I was a broken down psycho feeling addicted to the delusions, pain, intensity, chaos of my own psychosis. Ugh, I miss it so much though.

>>34383509
after that i made a dating websie profile. i started messaging tons of girls, just trying to sound interested in them. some percent replied, and then i tried to set up dates. some of them went through with it. i messaged and did this with all kinds of girls, even ones that werent too attractive. it was often awkward and stuff but as i went on i got less awkward. when a date went well and a girl clearly liked me, i felt amazing. like i had been dying of thirst, and suddenly had cool water. it bolstered my confidence that that got me a date with an attractive and smart girl. she was kind of awkward too and we really got along. i felt amazing getting these positive responses from her, and i just kept going. weve been together almost 5 years now.

i still feel bad sometimes. a storm rolls in and the world looks like an ugly place. but i just wait it out, i know its just a storm and will pass. i dont let that sort of negative, insecure, self-hating storm move me and cause me panic. and soon enough i feel fine.

>>34383235
>soundtracks for the blind
Good taste brah a great album for an insane person to listen to

>>34383617
haha yeah, the album fit my mindset perfectly. but at the same time it amplified my feelings. not great in this context.

as a counterpoint i was extremely obsessed with bjork. her music had this nurturing quality to it that would make me weep constantly. i had collected every single album, b-side, recording, live performance bootleg, dvd, etc... of her work. she was almost a goddesslike presence in my life. i cant listen to her music any more, because i feel like an intruder into a sacred space.

>>34383701
Are you Ricardo Lopez?

>>34383769
no haha. i hate the existence of that idiot desu, because of how disgusted he made me feel with myself. but my obsession was with her music, the persona she was creating with each album, and how it made me feel. not with her as an actual person. i never really gave a shit about the actual person. see, the existence of this clown just forces me into a defensive position, which is silly. especially as a response to a joke.

>>34383812
>no haha. i hate the existence of that idiot desu, because of how disgusted he made me feel with myself.
Kek fair enough. Good luck crazy now becoming less crazy anon

>>34383812
you sound amazing anon

this is my favorite thing I've read on /r9k/ in a long time. Thank you so much. I'm glad you're doing so much better.