/depression/ general. What's going on anon?

WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO WAIT THREE FUCKING YEARS TO GO TO JAPAN I SHOULD JUST MARRY SOMEONE FUCK ME FUCK YOU FUCK THIS FUCKING PLANET -THROWS A DUMPSTER OVER-

FUCK MY MOM AND FUCK MY UNSUPPORTING FAGGOT DAD I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS 18 BUT THEY HAD TO BE AGAINST WEEABOO SHIT SO I HAD TO RESTRAIN MY DREAMS UNTIL THEY WERE FUCKING DEAD

IF EVEN MY MOM WAS ALIVE I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WASTED MY FUCKING LIFE SAVINGS GIVING HER THAT TRIP TO HAWAII SHE WANTED AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKED FOR LIFE

SO LO AND BEHOLD FATE DECIDES THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO GO TO JAPAN IS FOR THEM BOTH TO DIE

SO THEY DIED. MY PARENTS HAD TO FUCKING DIE SO I COULD PURSUE MY DREAM WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFE IS THIS

YES IM MAD
but also crying a lot

>>34251265
Dont even know anymore man, every day is the same and i no longer know what time it is nor what day it is. Come to think of it i cannot even guess the month, its all just a blur. I feel like im living just for the next time ill be not sober, and im beginning to think that all this wait is not even worth it.

Deleted my Facebook account because the few people who would speak to me every month or so were just pretending to like me out of pity.

Considering stopping my SSRIs and just hoping that I can get the courage to hang myself.

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>>34251265
>>>34251265
>I feel like im living just for the next time ill be not sober, and im beginning to think that all this wait is not even worth it.

Are you me?

I was feeling good... really good, recently. Today I got scolded by my boss pretty badly. He basically talked down to me... he's really arrogant and condescending and for good reason - he makes roughly 500K per year. Me? I'm a nobody. Just a 20 year old living off scraps... it hurts... I feel awful... I've worked really hard for this job... really hard at this job... all winter break I've lived alone... in total solitude eating poorly... I could've spent it at home with my family... but I had to... for this job... and now, this.

I feel so hollow. Tomorrow I have to go in and pretend like I was unfazed by his words... I just have to trudge on... thank you for subscribing to my blog. It helped to get this off my chest :(

>>34251265
you posted another cute thread earlier, thanks for doing this <3

>>34251265
Nothing good. So it's like every other year.

Anyone got that chart with the levels of depression?

>>34251509
Don't feel bad, anon. Facebook is trash and it's coming to an end.

>>34251536
Im glad someone has the same solution as i do. Though is it a solution at all. Cannot be drunk or high as youd want to because you have to function, functioning is hard when you have no goals ambitions or willpower, it just drains and drains you until you can no longer take it

>>34251604
What? I'm confused.

>inb4 "what did he mean by this?"

>>34251384
Man, weeaboos really do have a hard life, don't they?

>they work hard for a bachelor's degree just to go to a country where 80% of the people hate them

The kind of life my parents are trying to get me to live is the exact kind of life I've always been afraid of having

>"if you work at this company, you can retire at 50!"
>"...once you get married hand have kids..."
>nice car, nice place, nice stuff, etc.
>bills bills bills consume consume consume work work work

Jesus fucking christ none of that is important to me, none of that is going to bring me happiness or fulfillment just because it does for them. I'm not cut out for monotonous suburban life, I don't fucking relate to it at all, I cannot see myself ever living like that. I would rather blow my brains out and rot away alone. And I'm not bringing kids into this shitfest either. If I'm going to have a life, I want it to be actually fucking interesting

If I had one wish, I would ask to never be hungry or thirsty again.

These two basic things are keeping me down in life. If it weren't for them, I'd quit my job, leave my apartment, live somewhere far, far away from everyone & everything.

What a dream that would be.

It's weird leaving my house and being surrounded by people that were handed a path to success just for existing, knowing I was never given such opportunities.

Especially seeing 20 year olds that have nice things. Must be nice.

>>34251746
We all do pretty much the same thing, us humans. We're like ants. Every one of us. Live. Work. Die. That's it. And there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. You do this. You meet nothingness for eternity. As though you were never born. No escaping... :[

>>34251759
> must be nice
Just watching them... others who have everything... I feel a sense of awe how polarized our worlds are... it's not fair, anon. It's not fair.

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>>34251265
>What's going on anon?
Every minute of me being wake is a grim reminder how much of a loner i am, i can make friends but disown them eventually, on the other hand; interaction with others in short bursts, internet or not, works well so far.

>>34251265
I have no reason to be depressed, but I am anyways

> Chad body/face, but autistic af
> Always been the smartest kid in class (yeah I know everyone says that, but it's true)
> Valedictorian in high school
> "Anon, you should really learn to study, college will be harder"
> Valedictorian in college, smoked weed almost every day
> Now in grad school, fucking joke of the dept
> Turns out being a good test taker and having a good memory isn't useful anymore
> Haven't really done any research in awhile, just living off grad school stipend and smoking every day
> Keep expecting advisor to kick me out of program because I'm a piece of shit
> He doesn't, doesn't seem to notice I'm garbage

I just feel empty, I don't care about anything anymore. I'm 25 but honestly I'll probably off myself before 30

>>34251866
Are you originally me?

Oregano

>>34251693
oh, someone posted a thread earlier called "/anxiety/ general" with a similar-looking picture, thought it was you

i'm about to graduate from college in may but I have no idea how to do anything in my field. I don't even know how i'm gonna find a job because i'm also awkward as hell and never did any internships or anything. i'm a goddamn idiot.

>>34252049
It's okay anon. Companies are typically very accomodating to entry-level people. They might baby you when you first arrive and that's okay... what's your field anyway?

>>34252005
Nope :/ though I wanna hunt it down now, the art style is adorable as fuck

>>34251265
I am sitting on my couch mindlessly refreshing this website

>>34252119
they're called ohayous, you baka

When I watch porn, I have gay/trans/sissy thoughts that are really entertaining. But, I don't think theyre healthy because theyre born out of low self esteem and being somewhat debased.

>>34251265
I'm failing AT EVERYTHING

Its fucking killing me

I have this idea that I should be able to master something before I die but it seems I'm unable to progress after a certain beginner/intermidiate level.

> vidya lifting drawing graphic design animation programing

I feel like shit

Everyone around me keeps finding love while it just passes me by. the usual I guess.

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>>34251265
I basically just blew my ambition to date new people.

>give my phone number to a qt regular customer
>He kept asking me out but I nicely said goodbye I'm not interested every time
>Saturday he invites me out so I spitefully said "just stop, you can't get every girl every time!!"
>couple of hours later he angrily confronts me at my job
>he's grasping something in his pocket and wearing disposable rubber gloves
>he looks pale and nervous while saying suspicious hostile shit
>"what's your job's protocol if a customer goes crazy??? Does someone escort them out??"
>"Did you see the song I sent you? It's about you baby, you broke my heart!"
>"what days are you working next week??"
>[tries to distract and get me to turn around]
>omg he's going to kill me
>I act all oblivious and innocent to guilt him
>he stops, tells me he's "fucked in the head" and leaves
>mfw it's been three days and I'm still scared as shit

I'm less scared now as depressed. How can I trust new people? If I do everyone will think I'm a huge idiot. I'm disgusted and can't believe that he wanted to harm/kill me. I'd be dead right now.

>>34252340
Oh and photo for reference. I have to save copies as proof in case this happens again or if he kills me they have proof that he stalked me before. It's first degree murder. I have this and another screenshot, along with a photo of him from Google (found out creepy shit) and have to warn my coworkers to let a supervisor know if he comes in again.

>>34252340
>>34252422
I'd file a police report if I were you.

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>>34251265
I'll just leave this picture here and people can try to guess what I'm dealing with if they want

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I have no idea what I'm suppose to be doing

>>34251265
>like girl
>she stops talking to me after we get along really well and want to be together

obviously she had second thoughts and it feels really bad because I thought she wanted to be with me.

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That moment when you want to work through your depression meme but you feel really lonely sometimes and so suicide isn't something to look forward to now, only an option if things get too rough.

>>34252610
Hey Christfag childhood anon.

>>34252610
Funny how much power teachers are given over their students well being and they use it to do shit like this.

Who did this help? Not you. It was never about helping you. It was about managing the less fortunate so the fortunate could flourish even more.

>>34252843
...anon, my parents made me write this. They were also my teachers, but that's beside the point.

>>34252766
hey anon, are you the guy from the vocaroo thread? Today I applied to a college so things are getting better I guess.

I've deprived myself and withdrawn from society as a whole over the course of years, but it's gotten to a point in the last few months where I've seldom even left my apartment, and then only in the dead of night. I've never been good with people, I've always stuttered or stammered and tripped over my sentences while avoiding eye contact. That or it was a plastic, see through act of fake appeal anyone could see through and made them cringe. I've almost entirely deprived myself of human contact, so now the most rudimentary social cues I learned from high school have atrophied into nothing.

Humans are social animals, and the loneliness digs in and gnaws on me. It feels like suffocation, or strangulation made all the worse by having no one to talk to about it. Not a single confidante. I feel like I'm reaching an ultimatum.

I either force myself into human contact at bars or clubs or the like, or I continue to do nothing. But I know I won't improve my social skills because I can't. It would optimistically take years to undo the damage I've done to myself, not even accounting for the damage life itself dealt me growing up. Socialization at any level now would be a practice in self-flagellation. Always reminded of my shortcomings and failures and deepening my self hatred. It's unlikely I would ever make meaningful contact at this stage in my life.

That, or I continue down the path I've placed myself on. I grow old, my social skills further wither away like the eyes of certain species of animals forced to survive in caves. My health further deteriorates. At most I become a local urban legend. The modern hermit but with no insight to share. I'll die like this, one day. Miserable. Unfulfilled. Alone.

The stress of all this keeps clawing at me more and more each time I wake up and don't feel any warmth near me. It's consuming my thoughts daily. Maybe hourly. I've been drinking a lot recently. Like now. I like bourbon. I may have to kill myself to escape this.

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>>34252610
i was in the thread where you posted this. Are you the anon who was homeschooled with christian parents who beat him, and who took away your little brothers birthday party to punish you and your brother? I remember your story. I'm sorry that your life is so shitty, my brother.

>>34253079
yes that is me anon

3 guesses as to why I am a robot

>>34252992
My bad dude, I had flashbacks to my own childhood there for a second.

>>34253121
Did you have bad teachers?

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>>34252662
Here's a related gif, nigger

>>34253117
1. shitty parents beating you makes you not want to bother getting involved with other people again.
2. homeschooled, so very little interaction with other humans as kid
3. shitty education makes you resentful of the world around you and to not want to be a part of society anymore and be filled with any more lies and bullshit

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>>34252992
No, I'm just random satouposter anon.
I usually go on steam threads but they're cancer and keep being deleted.

I'm cancer as well so I like the places.

Well, at least your childhood is over? Though as someone who also had a shit childhood, never really leaves you, does it?

>>34253271
Well I was on the spectrum, and nobody back then really knew or cared what that meant.

I think it's a bit different for kids now thankfully.

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>>34251265
i don't know if I'm depressed.

I've definitely been going back and forth, but I think because I was friends with one of my roommates I kinda got pulled out into feeling good. But now

>depressed about my college situation (broke, not sure if I like my major)
>No friends
>suck at not being a sperg so the few friends I do make end up hating me
>might have ticked off my other roommates but can't tell
>no will to do anything except sit around in my room and shitpost
>loathe whenever my phone buzzes and it's not this one person always talk to
>loathe going outside
>loathe leaving my fucking room

I don't know how this happened to me

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>Depression took turn for the worse a week ago
>Mom asks me to go for a walk
>Think it will be a nice pick me up
>Feel numb the entire way through
>Come home
>Get on r9k, still feel numb and ambivalent

There's nothing enjoyable about life. I have to die soon or it will just continue to get worse

>>34251265
don't think im depressed
i get happy at times
laugh
just feel lonely and generally feel sad most of the time
just wish everyone didn't have to leave man

>>34251867
pretty similar man
except im a senior in highschool
does the ride ever end?

>>34251265
i dropped out of college cause i got sick but i'm going back in 7 months. Now i'm at home alone with my dad; i should be working hard on self improvement and pursuing productive progress so i can come back to college even better than i was before (i'm 5'9 but good face).

for some reason i've hit a mental roadblock, i haven't left the house since i came back and just drink, smoke, and eat poorly all day. Any advice?

>>34253330
hmmm good try anon

#2 is correct mostly

But mostly it is that what happened has made me depressed? I don't want to call it that, but that might be what it is, or some sort of PTSD or who knows what the fuck. Anyhow, even though I really enjoy social interaction and I can actually be pretty witty/charming and sociable- I even enjoy public speaking... Even though I like all those things, I just end up sitting at home on my computer all day. I haven't even worked at a proper job for over a year now.

And with the things I really genuinely enjoy- I can't fucking finish projects that I start. I actually like getting involved with other people and I'm not resentful of the world. I don't even hate my parents. Somehow I have a good relationship with them.

I think what I need is to just leave home but my depression or whatever the fuck meme is keeping me from doing anything

Translation: I'm a fucking faggot who can't help himself

>>34253339
I don't really mind my childhood that much. I don't really have flashbacks or trauma from it, and I feel it gave me a unique story/outlook on the world. I just need to get over whatever stupid depression meme shit I got from it though or I'll never amount to anything

>>34253403
Yes I think teachers are more kind to children with autism now

hoo boy am I thankful I didn't have full blown autism, my parents probably would have killed me or gotten an exorcism or something to clean my body of the autism spirits

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I have this fantasy. I'm with a girl and we just fucked and we're cuddling under blankets and making pillow talk. Telling each other our dreams and fears to the sound of rain while it's a cloudy evening outside. We know it's not gonna last but still manage to be okay with it and simply hold each other, just enjoying the moment.

I sing to her in murmurs. Something pleasant and relaxing, like https://youtu.be/Zl3CmzQY1So except with a male voice. I still don't know a good malevoiced song to make that mood work. Anyone know a good song?

>>34251576
I enjoyed reading this and hope it gets better for you, anon.

I'm not depressed right now but I've had a lot on my mind.
>lonely a lot lately
>only talk to one girl
>it's been years, but I've never seen or heard her
>pretty convinced some kind of role playing fag
>but so lonely and can't meet women even online
>stick by her side despite growing distances
>scared she also lies about her life and just doesn't want to hurt me when she might be out banging every night

I joke about being gay a lot but I worry that might become true because I'm not really able to explore and enjoy heterosexuality and to make it worse my anxieties or whatever is stealing my libido along with my drive and desire for everything else.

Ultimately I'm rotting away as a person who can't even muster up enough motivation and strong enough emotions to attempt suicide. Nobody believes me when I say I feel empty, they think I'm being edgy or something.

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>>34253568
Getting over that meme is easier said than done though.

I've mostly done it, I've just now had to deal with feelings of chronic loneliness.


I wish my sexuality wasn't a meme and I wish that some big thing would happen where I would suddenly have friends that had the same interests as me.

Who else waiting for their parents to die so they can off themselves here

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>>34253882

You rang, anon?
>Tfw death is actually starting to seem peaceful instead of scary

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I am addicted to heroin. I just moved across the country from a bigass heroin capital here in the US to a small city in the South East with almost no heroin. For the last 3 or 4 months, I've held down a job, and done dope every once in a while...

But I just can't take it anymore. For the last 3 days or so I've been stealing hundreds of dollars from my roommates and spending it on heroin. I lost my job today after no call no showing twice in a row.

I tried to kill myself via overdose tonight but was sold 80 dollars worth of fake garbage. Put it all in my vein, 100% ready to die, no suicide note no anything, nothing mattered in that moment, I was going. Arm starts stinging real bad and I find out I got fucked. Tomorrow I'm stealing another 100 and gonna do it again.

Don't know if it was the way I lead my life or what, but I've always associated death with love. Like dying must be one of those perfect dreams where you fall in love. I can't wait to not feel this overbearing pain anymore

who here /ready2go/?

>>34253858
hmmmmmm

anon, what is your meme sexuality?

I hope that I can get over this depression meme because I think that genetically I was meant to be a chad.

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>>34254001
Death is pretty unsatisfying if you look at it on the outside.

It's like someone stops moving while everyone else is.

>>34254013
Bisexual.

Le cuteboys meme got me into it but I'm slowly turning more gay.

Well, at least you have the potential to be a chad. Go out there, become alpha, get gf, all that stuff, etc.

>>34254082
Trust me it's almost worse having that potential lying just outside your reach but you're too fucking lazy to get up and do anything about it

My friend really, really wants to die
He's 85, he's getting hospice care in his house, he can't eat, he can't do anythign in his workshop, and he just wants it all to end.
He's scared that he won't die before they plug him into the wall and shove a bunch of tubes in him, and his fucking doctor keeps going on, "You've got such a strong heart, you could keep going for a long time yet!" like that's what he wants to hear.
He can't do shit.
I talked to him on the phone today and he just wants it all to end now.
He can't enjoy anything.
He just sits in bed and piddles with the computer, and his wife is terrified and doesn't want him to die, and of course she doesn't, she loves him, and when he dies, she's probably going to get that old person broken heart syndrome and die within the following month.
He got cancer a few years ago, and they talked him into chemo for awhile and eventually he said he didn't want it anymore because that shit was making him feel worse than the cancer was.
And I guess he wasn't lying, because he was still about as healthy as any 80+ year odl man can be.
But last year he just started declining.
He told me he was in pain and he couldn't eat sometimes, so I told him I was going to get him marijuana, don't even ask, I'm going to get it for you, you are going to have it.
So I got him some weed cookies, and that was working for a little while, but then now, he's just been going down hill so fast.
At this point he's just trapped here.
This man that raised kids and grandkids too if we're being really honest, who taught school for 28 years, ran an under the table business repairing and selling all kinds of electronics and shit he found at the dump, who broke into his school when he was a boy and raced his friends down the hall with wheelchairs he found in the attic, this fuckign guy.
This man with these stories.
This guy who finally got his book published last year, and thank god he did, I am so glad he finally got that.

cont

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>>34252572
Everyone said I should file a police report except my parents. Whenever a guy has done me wrong in my life they say "wait until it happens again" basically as a punishment.

>pinned down by my throat and forced sex on a first date despite yelling stop
>boyfriend punched me and put up a fight when I dumped him
>butch dyke groped my vag during a fire drill, she was 18 and me 15


Also a date tried forcing me to drink an opened Snapple when I denied him sex, but no proof it was rape drugged after he dumped it anyway. Surprisingly I'm not a turbo slut from all of this or a feminist. This is the cherry on top for not trusting guys anymore because this could have killed me. I have CCTV footage/screenshots and my coworker as a witness. It could be used against him God forbid he does something to another girl some day.

>>34254128
Well you have to bust your ass to get that potential.

But you shouldn't make it all or nothing, just take it day by day.

The reason I'm not too depresed anymore is because there's a lot of other shit to feel than "happiness" and "I want to kill myself literally all the time".

>>34254136
please continue anon, I like reading stories about old folks

>>34254203

Yeah I'm aware and willing- I want to be the kind of person who busts his ass and works really fucking hard- I just have a hard time making it a reality.

I think a big part of the apathy is just still being stuck at home. It's so easy to just slip back into doing nothing because the environment is so familiar. I applied to college though so hopefully I'll be out in a year

And yeah I don't think what I have is depression. I have something, not sure what it is. Probably should see a therapist but I'm too apathetic right now

I just want to feel normal. Constantly go between extremely motivated with big (unrealistic, delusional) ideas and dreams to feeling like everything is meaningless and wanting to legitimately kill myself. When I'm feeling down I spend whole weeks mostly in bed doing nothing at all. I just want to level off my emotions and get a grip on reality again. Think I'm gonna call a doctor because this shit is coming out of nowhere, must just be my retarded brain.

Does medication actually help? Are the side effects worth it?

>>34254136
I didn't expect this post to be so long, but I haven't been able to really talk about this.

I've only know this man for a years, but he's become one of the closest people in my life.
You never meet old people who have actually tried to stay in touch with the world instead of just shutting down in whatever period they were happiest in, but this guy, he has always stayed interested in the world.
And he's actually made a difference in the world.
Someone set him up a facebook page, and more people add him and comment on it every single day.
Students.
People who remember him fucking 50 years ago, still think of him.
He's just the fucking realest person I've ever met, and I knew when I met him, he was going to be gone soon, but I am so glad that I've gotten to know him for any time at all, because he made a real difference in my life.
I'm so sad that he's just not going to be here anymore.

But I feel bad because I know that I'm the only person who could help him right now.
He wants it all to end, and I know his drama loving Italian family isn't going to be able to remove themselves enough to be able to do this for him.
I know that if anyone can help him with this, it's going to be me.
I don't even feel bad because I would be giving him the tools to do it, effectively making me a murderer, I don't feel bad about that, he wants to die so badly.
I feel bad because I'm scared that I won't be able to do it.
I'm scared I won't be able to find what he needs to get out of here.
I'm scared that if go through his medicine cabinet, I won't be able to find anything to leave on his table and tell him not to take too much of it.
I'm scared that this man who has helped me so much in my life in such a short time, is going to look to me for help, and I'm going to have to tell him I can't.
I feel really bad.
I feel really sorry to him.
This great man.

Lost my job in August and I'm just now getting my first interview. It's by far one of my last choices but at this point I can't be picky. I understand why no one else wants to hire me, my experience looks incredibly poor on paper. I'm just not worth it, apparently.

>>34252610
I grew up with strict christian parents too.

i'm sorry. Just from the looks of this, your childhood must've been very shitty.

>>34252340
>>I act all oblivious and innocent to guilt him
Whatever your chances of him killing you were, you probably doubled them there.

>>34254385
Thanks anon, what I like to tell myself is that when you've been in such a low, terrible place even being a robot is progress upwards.

>>34254323
Please continue anon, I'm enjoying what you have to say. Old people are some of my favorite types of people, the good ones anyway. So many stories to tell and things they've seen and learned. No matter what happens to this man, you did whatever you could and you brought some goodness into his light.

>>34254001
Dude, either get Suboxone/Methadone/etc, or get a shitton of loperamide and kratom. Stealing from your roomates is fucked as absolute hell. You should have asked them if they could take you to a doctor to get subs (or whatever long lasting opiod medication you prefer) instead.

>>34254450
Thank you.I wanna talk more, but I just feel like shit, I don't think I can.
I can't sleep either.
I don't know, i might come back to this thread later.

>>34254579
maybe post some of the stories from his life he's told you if he's told you any?

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>>34254463
I just can't do it man. There is always something lurking that says "keep hiding your addiction, you don't want to stop". No one knows I use

Now I'm just drinking bourbon and rootbeer, trying to cry but I can't seem to find a reason

>>34254702
>No one knows I use
Well that's gonna change real damn quick when your roomates find out you jacked their cash. I'd recommend getting meds asap. I'm addicted to kratom but I thank god I'm not addicted to heroin. I understand it's extremely difficult to overcome but it's only going to get much worse, with you eventually landing in prison or dead.

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I've let everyone down.

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>>34254753
Well heres to hoping it lands me dead. Kek

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>forgot to take my uppers
man reopening old emotional wounds at midnight sure is a fun experieince

>>34251265
I feel like a complete failure and a joke, I am glad I can tell you guys though. Anons are my friends.

>>34254794
Me too anon,
it feels bad.

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Been depressed because of my shitty situation at work. I'll be meeting up with a manager (from a different division) tomorrow regarding a promotion. Hope it goes well because it's been hell for me during the past couple of months enduring my supervisor just so I can get this job.

I just hope all goes well so I wouldn't regret neglecting community college for the past 6 years...

Had depression for a few years, met a girl, everything seemingly changed, got married a year later, had a kid after that, now stuck with a psychotic wife and an 8 month old, so I'm basically trapped in this marriage or face losing literally all my money for child support. Think about killing myself every day.

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Genetics test has revealed that it is extremely likely for me to have colon cancer
My fucking maruchan ramen noodle package didnt have a season packet in it
I am constipated
I've been having dreams where I'm drunk and literally feel like shit when I wake up from them

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Well boys I finally had a complete breakdown after 23 years of dealing with it.

I feel like a complete bitch since I have no reason to be sad about my life, probably just gonna end it all desu. Hope you're all doing better than me.

>>34251265
IM ONLY ALIVE TO HERE THE NEXT TYLER THE CREATOR ALBUM THEN IM GONE.

I CANT FUCKING STAND HIGH SCHOOL I FUCKING CHEESED OUT ON BASIC ALGEBRA IM SO FAR BEHIND IM FAILING MATH MY PASSION FOR GUITAR IS GONE AND MAKING IT IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WILL BE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE I HAVE NO ONE TO LIVE FOR AND ALL I DO IS GET ON R9K GET COMFY AND PUT ON TYLER THE CREATOR BECAUSE I CAN FUCKING RELATE AND ITS CRINGY AND A STAGE BUT I HONESTLY CANT FUCKING TAKE THIS SHIT

>>34255368
>Genetics test has revealed that it is extremely likely for me to have colon cancer
>I am constipated

I've got some bad news for you, Anon.

>>34253659
Try Jack Johnson - Better Together
It's my qtgf song.

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I have no one to talk to, and it's been that way for over a year now
Sometimes I come in contact with people, but I end up breaking contact, either because we don't get along or because I get scared, because everyone I've been
remotely close to has done me wrong/used me for their own advantage
I tried listening to more music, playing more video games, reading philosophy, writing, etc etc, more hobbies to distract myself, but my deepest wish is to be emotionally close and connected to someone like me

Aside from that, I have massive problems with grasping the concept of identity because my old primitive self loathed it
No matter who I come in contact with, it seems I'm destined to live alone.

>>34251265
i tried 7 or 8 different drugs now
ive tried electroconvulsive therapy
i dont know anymore man, i dont know
i want to escape from everything
i use drugs, i play vidya, i jack off, ive almost cut myself from the rest of the world
in the end suicide seems to be the greatest form of escapism
but i cant kill myself, i have my family to look out for
if i kill myself my brother will kill himself
my parents are aging and weak

i spend my days just waiting for something to save me from this sorry existence
there is no misaki

i can barely function anymore
i wish i had someone i can talk to
talking to you anons just isnt the same as talking to someone you know

Do you guys have any methods to be productive? My head is always in a foggy, sleepy state of sadness and anger.
I'm a goddamn NEET now because of my fucking self. I'm 100 percent to blame. I hate myself. I never have the energy to do anything, so I just sleep and browse the Internet.
I really want to die now. It's been a while since I attempted suicide. I was a dumb teenager then, at least now I have a plan ready

>>34251265
i am depressed and weed helps me cope

>tfw he just made it clear he loves someone else

me on suicide watch

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posted in /trash/ a moment ago because I made myself mad thinking of the people around me in life

That my friends pick on me ALL THE TIME is hyperbole, we can still get along, but I do constantly feel like whatever I say will probably be immediately challenged and made fun of.

It has definitely affected my productivity and self-esteem, though. I barely do anything anymore because of the fear of being immediately second-guessed or outright "WRONG"-ed

Like, I enjoy the making of video games. But I've done less and less with my engine of choice because they all make fun of it. If we're all talking about 3d stuff around some beers, and I have some insight from using what I like, almost immediately it's met with "Haha that's not REAL 3d just don't talk about stuff you don't know about man". Same for coding. I don't even like coding, but I did some HTML and JS as a kid, and BASIC for shit in high school, and spent a lot of time playing GMod which has its own Not-Lua to use. But then one of these fucks invites me over to "use gamemaker" and I ask "is there an inbuilt function to clamp a value instead of using two if-thens?" and he looks at me like I'm some kind of retard.

Doesn't help that any other socialization is either online, which is full of shitposters who do the same thing, or at work or in some other professional setting, where my bosses are going to do the same thing.

I need some peeps I can goddamn relax with instead of having to be constantly on my A game to never ever misstep or misspeak around. Even doing pretty well is usually not enough. Just playing forza with the bros, and they talk shit because I like to shift down a little early to make the wheels slip just a little so the game gives me better turning performance. Because fuck what works, nevermind that I often win, I'm doing it so it must be shit even though it gets results.

I feel like my childhood was pulled out from under my feet. I just wanna go back ;_;

>>34256952
Your friends seem like dicks
I'm sure they have redeeming qualities though, otherwise why are you hanging out with them

>>34257002
ditto, I was abused and neglected

i wish just stayed in the foster instead of going back

I've been feeling better... for some time now, actually. I don't know how long it'll last or if I'm just using too many drugs.

But I feel like things are looking up.

>>34253882
that was my plan originally, but then I made a new friend and now we're really close and I can't bring myself to hurt her.

>>34253954
death seems so peaceful, doesn't it?
i no longer care if I were to die suddenly, as long as it's quick and painless.

>>34256952
Gmod was based. only true robots played that game for over 1 year ingame time.i left it on because it would take forever to start on my shitty pc

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>>34251265
well like usual absolutely nothing

I installed Adobe Animate/Flash, trying to get back into drawing and possibly animating. I was never good but I need another hobby I think. Also started a journal.
Still don't know what I'm doing about college.
Still want to die every day.

>>34257136
I don't play it anymore because the goons I played with were jerks who'd just hate on me, and one of my buddies has a server that doesn't do that, but I tried to make some content for it and it was nothing but also getting hated on for that so I just gave up on

well, on multiplayer video games in general, really. I don't even play CoD4 online anymore.

Who /mentallyill/ here?

>Tranny
>ADHD
>Borderline Personality Disorder
>Panic Disorder
>Clinically Depressed

How should I end it, friends?

>>34253954
I had pnumonia when I was little and nearly died. I have effectivly blocked the whole episode from my memory, but lately ive been getting bits and pieces of it back whenever I think about dieing. there is a stage you reach where for a split second you experiance an existance without fear. every once in a while I wake up and have that same feeling for just a second before all of the thoughts come crashing in. death is a journey I am not in the least bit scared to travel. I still have things I want to do. so I will endure for now

>>34257285
I wish. At least then I'd have an excuse.

>>34257272
I havent touched a video game in like 2 year. you sound like me "the target". how do people know just from looking at me that they can treat me like shit and i wont do anything about it. I ended up just packing up all of my thing and moving 3 states away without telling anyone. I feel so much happier(less miserable) when im alone.

I've been sad since my gf cheated on me eight months ago
I left her but now I'm lonely
I miss having someone who actually cared about me and I don't think I can look at relationships or women the same way after she betrayed me like that

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>>34251265

Pretty bad, anon. I've tried everything to get better and it's worked so slowly and marginally that I don't know if I'll ever get fully independent or have a life that I can feel any sense of pride in.

Anyone here on meds?

>>34253428
that series got depressing at the end.

>>34257560

It got rebooted so fuck those feelings, pham!

i lost my waifu. or at least I thought I had one and the illusion came tumbling down.

>>34255664
check out Death Grips, my nigga.

>>34257480
Well, I'm somewhat extroverted, I guess, because I get restless and angry when I'm not able to go socialize, or if socializing is going badly a lot. I still appreciate my me-time and prefer to work alone, but I am by no means a solitary person.

>>34251265
the only thing i get any enjoyment out of anymore is masturbating, and even then it's to shit that makes me ashamed when im done

i don't have a reason to live, i've gotten to the point where even thinking about a relationship or anything like that gives me a physical ache, like my heart is trying to crawl out of my throat, but i'm too much of a coward to kill myself so i'm just waiting to die

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I owe up to 3k in debt for tuition because I'm such a fucking fuck up piece of shit at community college and now I've got 2 days to tell my parents about it before pre-collection people start coming after me.

>>34251384
Anthony, is that you?

oreganoo

>have had chronic fatigue for 7 years, have no made no progress since 2011

>trying to save money for school but mom has to keep borrowing.money from me

>feel bad about myself but also for the fact my mom will NEVER have money to stop working and she's almost 60

>my whole scalp is thinning, i have a micro dick, i'm ugly and i desperately want affection but not even traps will give it to me

>friends became assholes, don't talk to them anymore

>all i do is sleep, eat, work and cry

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>>34251265
>What's going on anon?
I've got shitty genes and I hate the fact normies get everything I desire practically for free in life because they got lucky with good genes and supporting parents.

Instead I'm an asthmatic aspie mouthbreather with a weak jaw, pectus excavatum, horrible teeth, a massive overbite, tinnitus, multiple allergies, an asymmetrical face, a monobrow, an ugly nose, I'm constipated all the time no matter what I do to try fix it, my physical fitness is so trash I can't walk 5 minutes without getting tired and finally I have a 4 inch pencildick that can't cum more than once a day without hurting to jerk off, 2-3 days if I actually want a 'decent' ejaculation and even then it's a weak 2-3 spurts.

To make it worse I was raised by a single mother and I'm probably low test so I'm pretty submissive socially thus totally unattractive to women and I'm not gay so I can't even just be a faggot sub.

The only thing I have going for me is being 6 feet tall but my posture is shit and I'm a total skeleton so it doesn't look good.

I'm so angry and jealous of "superior" normies with their better genes that it's become a fetish to wish that I could be "improved" by an alien parasite/sybiote, genetic engineering ect. so I could be better than all the normies and get to have some sex that I'm utterly unable to get because my genes are shit and thus by extension I have a shitty personality because I didn't have the formative experiences in my youth that would give me a confident "alpha" chad attitude.

>tfw you will never be used as a test subject in a secret government bio-weapons development program that turns you into a superhuman futa with a huge, always ready cock with the sole mission to infiltrate other countries, kill their men and infect their women into becoming bio-weapons like myself.

Feels fucking bad man.

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>>34259229
Also forgot to mention I have 0 close friends, I've lost most of the enjoyment I used to get from anime, I'm shit at vidya and will never be noticeably "good" or competitive at it and the only interest I'd want to go to uni for I'm too dumb to get into the course.

I've never had girls show me anything but disgust or ignored me and I was bullied by all the normies relentlessly when I went to school.

I have no skills at all and not enough discipline to learn anything that would let me use any creative ideas I have but even if I did they'd probably all be trash in the end anyway.

Lastly I probably won't even get a single (You) on my posts let alone anyone who might share my fetish.

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>>34259229
>>34259292

I'll throw you a (you) because I am also depressed. Might kill myself soon but that doesn't mean I can't give another anon a pick-me-up in the form of attention.

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>>34259307
Thanks anon, have a (You) back and I hope you can feel better somehow.

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>>34251265
I'm in this odd place where I accept the way I am, I accept that I can identify the causes for my mental issues.. but there is literally no reason to think about it because what has happened.. has happened. So I just accept that I'm fucked in the head and my life will always be a struggle to stop myself from destroying my own life any further.

That is actually the only issue I have.. the fact that I am susceptible to destroying anything I have built for myself in an instant, simply because I am capable of being triggered into a deep depression.. Random shit can cause it, but when I am in this state EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS and all I want to do is sleep and ignore any responsibilities I have.

Often I feel like I am just going through the motions. I can see and feel emotions but it's almost like the emotions are really weak and I cannot lose myself in them. I haven't laughed uncontrollably for a long time, I haven't felt happy for years and when I do feel happy it's for a brief moment and then I return to being almost neutral towards everything.

I know that I could excersize more, I could eat better, I could take better care of myself and I would feel better generally.. but I just don't do it. I live the same type of day every single day and the only improvements I make are so small that they barely even matter. When I was a kid I was always in the top 5% of students any anything I did.. sports and tests. But as I got older I stopped caring about school and anything I enjoyed and just played videos games.

I'm not really looking for any advice as I am fairly self aware of my own situation I just though I would share it with you, and if anyone is feeling something similar, just know that I am feeling it too and if I can keep going.. you can. I'm weak as shit.

>>34255149
Oh thank god I didn't get that girl pregnant.. I would have been you.. I was so dumb.

>>34251265
Nice awoo

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I flunked the first semester of college

my friends don't talk to me anymore

I'm suddenly realizing my lack of effort will ruin my life and there's nothing I can do because I'm too weak willed to get help

this is the sixth straight time I've stayed up all night

>>34251433
Its better to tough it out man trust me

>Being sober is overrated

While this statement is so unbelievably true drugs just make shit worse. They are worse than the lie you are living because it makes you feel better when in reality you really don't limit your substance use it just makes shit so much worse when you don't

t. ex user and since I'm on this board faggot

>>34251433
Sorry my fucking grammar is horrible

>>34259393
I started writing a todo list, I do it every night before bed and I try my best the next day to do what I put. You should try it. When I tried to get help for my issues I quickly understood that the only person who can help me, is myself. It's the same for you, the only person who cares about you, is you.

>>34251630
This

Ravioli Ravioli originioli

>>34251265
250mg venlafaxine xr, I think coming on 3 or 4 months now? Feel kinda numb most of the time, quit playing vidya and am studying more now. I still get days where I want to end it.

I missed my last appointment with my psychiatrist because I slept in (have fatigue issues that aren't depression related) and they sent me a bill for $130. I haven't been back since, I feel like I should go back. This is what happened with my last psychiatrist, I was too autismo to call and explain. Oh well.

Still no friends, no bf. I don't have much hopes for the future, I don't think I can ever get better. I just want to outlast my mum so she won't be upset.

>>34259449
>Still no friends, no bf.
>no bf
I'll be your bf, vagina-haver.

>>34259449
Literally the only reason I'm still alive is because I can't killmyself while my mum is alive.

>>34259427
to-do lists kinda stress me out and I always stop updating them, but last time I tried was a long time ago

it can't hurt to try, thank you for advice anon

>>34259548
I keep it really fucking simple because I know how much of a lazy cunt I am. No need to get stressed about it. Just try to always move forward, even if it's a tiny thing you do it's better then not doing anything.

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>>34259350
>I'm in this odd place where I accept the way I am, I accept that I can identify the causes for my mental issues.. but there is literally no reason to think about it because what has happened.. has happened. So I just accept that I'm fucked in the head and my life will always be a struggle to stop myself from destroying my own life any further.

Sums it up better than I ever could. The only two emotions I feel anymore are wanting to kill myself and wanting to sleep and not wake up. Being awake and doing anything is a struggle, I sit in the fucking darkness of my home like a ghost haunting it, not knowing what to do or if I even care enough to do it. Which I guess I don't because I don't do anything except browse 4chan and play vidya and try to keep my mom from setting herself on fire because I promised I'd take care of her. There's nothing to live for and there's no future in sight.

>>34259492
>2 depressives in a relationship together
This sounds healthy.

>>34259519
Me too anon. My mum would have a mental breakdown if I offed myself early. I'm the only child. She's done too much for me to let her down like that. She deserves better.

Hope things will get better for you anon.

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>>34259601
I take solace in the fact that there are many other people experiencing exactly the same thing as me and I draw strength from this. Also think about how strong you actually are to even still be here, lots of people kill themselves for much less than what you or I are experiencing.

I like to think about the person I will become after I get over any issues I have, it's like we are on a journey which only certain people get to take, and many are not able to finish the journey. Some peoples journeys are harder but ultimately it shapes the person you are.

You need to find something you can always fall back on which you enjoy. It's not easy to find that, it might take you years, but once you find it, keep it.

>>34259635
u2

>>34251265
I regret the fact that I was born and my life feels like a joke. Every time I think about my future I think why even bother and can't bring myself to try and make it better or kill myself so I just browse 4chan procrastinating.

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>Meet an old acquaintance from school
>"You've changed a lot, anon..."
>"P-People change, I guess, haha..."
>"Is everything alright?"
>"Yeah"
We had to take the same fucking route at the exact same time of the day. I just wanted to get home after a godawful day outside.

>>34251265
>strong ambitions
>can never get in the mood to do anything about it

does anyone else know this feel?

>>34253882
Actually, I want to make sure I kill myself while they're still alive. It's their fault I was born in the first place, so I want them to know that I killed myself. One of my fears is that I won't work up the nerve to kill myself before they die.

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>failed 2 semesters in college
>3/10 looks
>literally no one to talk to, not even family
>mental illness, prone to self harm
>poor and in debt

>>34251265
I failed once again to get on a diet. Once again, I couldn't resist my compulsive eating habit.

Part of it is that I'm constantly one bad moment away from a complete breakdown, so even reading something depressing on the Internet can make me panic and compulsively eat to make the thoughts go away. Another part is that I've lost the ability to enjoy anything but food. I think it's because food sort of forces you to enjoy it. To enjoy a video game or something, I have to convince myself that I even *deserve* to enjoy it, because it's kind of a mental/emotional pleasure, but since food is physical, no convincing is necessary.

My plan was to get in shape just so I could prove I could do it, and then kill myself, because I can't stand myself and it's too late for me to actually start any kind of life I'd actually want. I keep failing.

I don't even have much weight to lose. Probably 15 pounds at most, which I could probably lose in a month or two if I starved myself, but apparently I can't even manage that. Naturally, the failure makes the depression worse, which leads to even more compulsion to eat.

A lot of times I don't even really enjoy the food all that much. It really is a compulsion.

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>>34251265
I feel pretty good. Watched eggy live stream, did homework for college, and made a successful Felix argyle trap thread today. 9/10

>>34254323

He actually has his medicine in the fucking 'medicine cabinet' ? Who the fuck actually does that? Still, enough aspirin will kill somebody, it shouldn't be hard bro. If he's kept up with the world, he's browsed webmd and should already know what not to take too much of. All you have to do is get it for him during a visit.

The doctor says that because a lot of people want to cling to every fucking breath that's in them. Sounds like he's already decided and is sick of suffering but doesn't want to go through with it because it would hurt his family despite their apparent selfishness, or he's worried about his wife the way you're worried about his wife. Whatever the motivation, perhaps you could sprinkle some crushed up blood pressure medication/aspirin into a few glasses of wine and have a toast with the old guy, yes? He's italian, right? Nothing wrong with a little wine with dinner, anon.

>Do fairly well in college, first semester
>My mother suffers a stroke christmas night, drive to the hospital she was staying at in tears
>Go back to college, unfocused
>My father, who I was living with, was slowly tightening my living habits
>Get a summer job, a girl I was insanely attracted to apparently liked me back
>Blew it because one of her whore friends got a hold of her phone and texted me bait, and I took it like a moron
>Finish my job on bad terms with my employer because some whore took a thing I said far out of context
>Go back to college, depressed and angry
>College grades are even worse, I can't keep my eyes on my work anymore
>Tensions finally explode with my father, cut all ties with him and move out
>Can't sustain college life, drove through several states to reach family while playing the radio at max volume to avoid thinking of what I've just done
>Most days I don't even feel like leaving my room

Will it ever get better? I wanted to go through college with the grades that I got first semester, and that high school said I was going to get; Why does life just ruin everything?

>>34260213
at least youre not a nigger. always keep that in mind

>>34260485
I don't hate niggers /pol/

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>What's going on anon?
Honestly, I think I'm improving because my throat hurts more than my soul. I really wish I had people I like around me or at least no people I hate, but just locking my room is now a huge improvement. I even went down to a lower dose of SSRI's, but that was because the high dose didn't let me sleep. I met some people yesterday whom I'm going to work on something like an NGO in the future and I felt pretty welcome. I got no job but a little freelance keeps me independent.
I'm gonna make it

>>34254323
I hope your pal gets to go out on his own terms, from what you say he deserves it.
>>34259350
>I'm in this odd place where I accept the way I am
truth be told, when I got diagnosed with MS in a way a huge weight got lifted off my shoulders. I can't 100% life anymore anyway, so I started having fun more (vidya, guns, motorsport). Depression turned me on to /fit/ because hey, may as well be using that pain for something, right? Knowing yourself is a great feat Anon, I wish you luck on further improvement.
>>34260473
>Will it ever get better?
I don't know, but everything you said seemed like good lessons and I bet there's a lot of anons who would kill to have the balls to tell their parents to fuck off.

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>>34256279
Lyrics a bit too fast paced to murmur but thanks anyways, anon.

Maybe some Mountain Goats will do.

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>>34255368
Fuck dude really?
I cant imagine not having a seasoning packet

>>34255590
d-d-dont

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I'm depressed.
Is this jacket too SMALL or does it fit like this in purpose. It's a large

31, going absolutely nowhere with my life. Keep falling for women who feel nothing for me in return. No hope for the future, dreams are all dead. Can't even fucking kill myself because I'm too scared of dying, yet I don't want to keep living. Life is just emptiness and despair and it never ever gets any fucking easier no matter what anyone ever fucking says it's just shit all the fucking way down

>>34251384
dont go to japan anon

>>34261759
it fits perfectly what the fuck anon?
have you posted this before? did your mum buy you it? I remember an anon posting about his jacket wondering if it fit

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work in ~8 hours


fucking awesome

>>34261789
It was a different top.
Now this one feels too small I think.
When I lift my arms it goes above my belt line
MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYY

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>>34261804
Who /cant relax at home because they have thoughts that tomorrow is another work day/ here?

>>34259347
Send me your discord ID [email protected]
i have a place where you fit right in

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>>34262083
Okay anon, but if this is a trick I'll call the E-Police on you.

woke up with a headache and have felt different ever since. doctors don't care. fuck my life.

>>34262137
Sent you a request, looking forward to it.

>>34262037
I feel you, unless I'm free fully and forever I'm not free at all this stance also made me a commie because even funemployed I'm still in the clutches of capitalism looking to take away my tendies if I dare get off the hustle

I'm considering my options but I think freelance translating and freelance guided tours are going to be my shit until I die because I just can't be a wageslave anymore

I need to be unemployed when I go on a trip abroad in the summer because the thought that even there I'm not safe is killing me. Never again.

trying to get the courage to go to the doctor for pills.

>>34261065
No worries, anon. Have a good day :)

>>34251265
>tfw no motivation to get out of bed
>constantly feel tired
>just want to sleep all day so I don't have to deal with the world
Are anti depression drugs actually bad or is /r9k/ just memeing

How do you know if you have 'real' depression or have just become disillusioned with life?

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>decide fuck it i'll be an even bigger loser and watch anime
>start with Evangelion
>end up marathoning the series and movie
>the emotional crisis' of the characters is so related able it throws me into a fit
>at least these fucking kids have a purpose
>at least they have something to live for
>i have absolutely nothing
>losing my mind because i can't help Rei of Auska
>Shinji is still a whiny faggot in the end
>it doesn't get better
IT DOESN'T GET BETTER

put a knife in my leg last night over some fictional Japanese characters god i'm pathetic

>>34259229
>>34259292
i feel (you) a lot, anon

it's not fair

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who /mindful/ here?

>>34265581
join a charity my man :)

>>34251265
>no dreams or ambitions
>autism anxiety and severe depression
>neetbux life with no idea what to do
>no gf (male)
>everyone i know/relatives are homophobic and all around negative
i'm already in hell aren't i?

>>34265581
>put a knife in my leg last night over some fictional Japanese characters god i'm pathetic
You're not pathetic if you can relate to the characters.

I've lost the feeling of being in love. I had a crush on a qt some months ago, now i just feel nothing. And it doesn't help that even my most beta friends are all getting gfs or getting laid. Meanwhile i sit at my desk and do absolutely nothing. And all of this is my own fault for being either way too forward or literally not doing anything. I just want a qt to give me a long compensating hug.
I really don't want to disappoint my dad, he has quite high expectations and he really wants me to become successful, even though i feel no motivation.
It's not even like I have an actual excuse for being depressed I have caring friends, caring family and a descend amount of money. Im just fucking tired of a KV.

you'd think having a partner would help but it really doesn't lol

>>34252197
Well thanks for the help robots...