returning

i thought i could get over this mindset by thinking of my suicidal tendencies and disappointing social stature and abilities as choices and opportunities rather than something i just have to deal with. like instead of thinking "i want to kill myself," i thought "there are certain prerequisites i have to complete before killing myself." instead of thinking "why dont i have a gf, i thought "it is my own choice not to have a gf." shit like that.
it doesnt really work very good.

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>blogging on /r9k/

AHAHAHAHAHAH please just KILL YOURSELF

ive been hanging out with a bunch of normies online. people who arent afraid to attach their real name, face, voice, and family to their username. they convinced me to attach my voice to my name. i think that was a mistake.
the first time i put a voice to my username i had night terrors for the first time that night, that my mic would randomly turn on even though my computer was off, that they would find out who i was, that they would find out how i actually act. it was terrible. 0/10

>>34080520
maybe. i dunno, its been a couple years since ive used 4chan, much less /r9k/.

the one good thing that came out of the voice shit was getting to actually hear people talk. its been almost 3 years since i left highschool, and about 2 since ive ever been to a social thing that wasnt populated by my 60-90 year old relatives. theres something about having people respond to you and you hearing their voice that... i dunno, it has a different effect than just text.

i dont know if any of you guys remember masao. he was popular on here like 4 years ago or whatever. the people in the chat wanted to watch something, and i thought of cooking with hoarders. they of course liked it, who wouldnt? then it got to the video where he talks about his autistic power level. i must have blotted that video out from my mind. watching it again really fucked with me i think. shouldnt have done that either.

this has kind of been happening for a while now, but porn and fapping just isnt enjoyable to me anymore.
the grills in porn are so cute when theyre clothed. then they get naked and get fucked by black guys, and they seem to like it. how can anyone like this? why are you fine with grills being so impure? i dont get it. fapping went out the window with this too, and my thoughts about sex have kind of changed too because of it.

sex used to be something i was at least mildly interested in. but now it just seems degenerate. why would you let something as innate as that take over you voluntarily? maybe this is still branched off of my denial.

also, the grills in the chat im in are hella cute.
well, pretty much anyone is cute to me now, but theyre actually hella cute. almost to loli levels. im just glad they dont know anything about how i look, theyd probably leave me and fuck negro chad.

i think thats it. goodnight r9k ill always love you