>2am. Hungry >Grab my bitch summoning stick. Bang it on

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>>25883376
lmfao 10/10

Would recommend to family and friends

>Need to poop

>Shit jugs are all full

>Brainwave: if I empty all my shit jugs AND poopoo in the toilet, I get double Good Boy Points and can eat tendies all weekend

>Grab armfulls of shit jugs and head to the bathroom.
>Spill some shit jugs on the way, don't care Mommy will clean up

> Sit on toilet, my big beautiful bottom spills over the side, begin pooping.

>My bowl movement sounds like a pipe being unclogged

>Release putrid farts

>Dump my shit jugs into the bowl until the poopoo is overflowing and covering the seat.

>"MOMMY MOMMY! COME LOOK WHAT YOUR SPECIAL GOOD BOY HAS DONE!"

>Mommy comes in, sees the shit trail leading to the toilet, the overflowing bowl and smells my flatulence.

>She starts crying, obviously proud of her Best Boy.

XD

>>25883376
>Bitch summoning stick
Kek

>Watching Bear in the Big Blue House. Fapping over Shadow.

>Mombitch comes in crying and hugs me

>I swat her away with my Cheeto covered hands. She knows I hate being touched

>She just found out my cousin is dying of cancer and it made Mombitch worry that she could lose me (she might, if she doesn't stop being such a whore I'll kill myself)

>I don't care until Mombitch mentions my cousin is GETTING A FREE TRIP TO DISNEYLAND paid by a charity

>I lie down and start screeching REEEEEEE at how unfair it is.

>Tell Mombitch I want to go to Disneyland and she has to tell everyone I have cancer so they'll send me

>Stupid bitch refuses so I make her jump off the roof to raise money to bring me to Disneyland

>She raises around $800 by charging people to watch but the selfish bitch uses the money to pay for a hospital visit after breaking her legs in the jump

> I should have gone to Disneyland with that money so I write FUCK YOU BITCH in shit on her walls.

>>25883376
>25883376
>>25885243
>>25885169
Normies you gotta keep up with the current memes around here..

Sardines (Deens) have replaced tendies.

>>25885266
>Mom throwing a party that's too damn rowdy
>I cry for deens, but nobody heard, so I kept being pouty
>I kept crying for deens
>Some bitch felt bad for me and gave me fucking beans
>I'll show em what happens to a disobedient normie
>I picked up a large beer bottle and bashed it so hard against her head that a ghetto nigger thought that I could be his homie
>I heard my mommy scream
>I pried open staceys mouth and unloaded a shit longer then a beam
>Everybody left in a rush
>Mommys face was flush

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>really want to eat some chicken and potatoes
>dad says he won't cook them because it's 3AM
>tell him I'll kill myself if he doesn't
>he cooks me chicken and potatoes

Fucking normalfags

>>25883376
>11pm pst
>4th day in a row copy pasta this reddit copy pasta

>>25883376
you're seem like a huge fucking asshole. you should kill yourself for this

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>have saved up GBP for the past 3 months so I can have a tendies feast for my 30th
>mummy conveniently declares that this household is now vegan
>I REEEE like I've never REEEE'd before, throwing my emergency stash of pissbottles and shitjugs, but mummy stands her ground
>in my rage eye forget to take my request for tendies out of inbox, so mummy uses all my GBP on soy tendies
>they are disgusting, and now I have no credit to spend on Blowey Joey's or juice boxes
>mummy says it's all my fault for not cancelling the request on time, and if I want tendies, I can get a job
>take her to court
>lawyer convinces judge that I am mentally and emotionally disturbed
>judge declares that withholding tendies in this case is akin to neglect
>now I get all the tendies I want, no GBP necessary
>mfw

Also, mummy said she's putting a special ingredient in today's batch. I can't wait!!!

>>25885243
>Watching Bear in the Big Blue House

Fucking kek

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>be tonight
>playing dota 2 since 9 a.m.
>it's 11:30 p.m.
>wake mummy up and tell her I want cool ranch Doritos locos tacos and baja blast Mountain Dew
>specifically tell her cool ranch & baja blast
>comes back with pleb tier original Doritos locos tacos and kill me tier regular flavor coke
>decide to get back at mummy
>wait until about 2 a.m.
>take a big watery Taco Bell shit in front if her bedroom door
>it's 2 a.m. Now
>she gets up in 4 hours for work and will step into my shit

That'll teach that cunt to not listen to me!

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>>25886676
>helping your mummy to better her listening skills
>you ate the trash she brought home
You are a good son. Maybe this time she'll get your order right.

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>>25883376
Zozzle my nozzle

>>25886451
keks
I love the ones that end with an implication that anon is getting murdered

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>be me
>be first day of high school
>mom is dropping me off today
>she gets my rolling backpack full of fruit snacks out of the trunk
>"are you sure you'll be okay here anon?"
>"yes mommy i am fucking fine"
>have one thing on my mind
>barely make it to the classroom before collapse in desk
>health class
>skinny fucking normies are staring at me
>obviously never binge-played WoW
>next few classes breeze by
>finally lunch time
>shove my way through the line
>something smells familiar
>tendies
>holy fuck i cant waddle fast enough as the line moves forward
>lunch lady says "hi sweetie what would you like?"
>"how many good boy points do tendies cost, slut?"
>"excuse me, what did you call me? and what are good boy points?"
>ignore cumdumpster
>i grab 5 trays of tendies and waddle to the condiment station
>grab 10 containers of ranch dip
>take 3 bottles of coke and guzzle one on the way to lay down
>lay on floor
>i eat one tray of tendies and i get the urge to pee pee and poo poo
>piss in coke bottle and shit in the tendie tray
>entire lunch room is staring at me
>jaws dropped
>i fucking hate normies
>principal sprints over and yells at me
>"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
>he leaves for help
>shove the remaining tendies in my pockets and guzzle down my cokes
>principal and football coaches return and slowly hoist me up
>it took 5 of them
>poo poo the most ever in my life all over the principals shoes
>maintenance brings a golf cart with a bed on it to drive me to the office
>parked outside because they don't want to even try to bring me inside
>obviously normie principal tells me how disgusting i am
>i'm expelled from school and he calls my mom
>mom shows up furious and takes me home
>in the car she tells me
>"anon, I am taking away 500 GBP"
>"but i only have 100 right now you dumb whore"
>"so now you have -400 GBP"
>fucking cunt
>we get home and she sends me to my room
>mfw more tendies in my pocket than i could have gotten in one week
>great success

>>25886876
that's one of the funnier ones I've read in some time. Well done, anon. Well done.

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>be me
>35 years old
>literal manchild
>2 am
>lying in bed, have to take a shit
>don't want to get up, so shit in my bed
>its getting too stinky for my liking
>get out of bed, stomping on the floor, screaming at the top of my lungs: MOMMY MOMMY, POOPOO, POOPOO !!!!!!
>My mom comes upstairs and sees my shit covered bed
>sighs deeply and cleans up my mess
>ask her if she can take me to Mcdonalds
>''anon, its 3 in the morning and i have to get up early''
>throw a tantrum, take off my pants and start shitting and pissing on the floor
>''ok ok anon, p-please just stop''
>she cleans up and off we go
>make her buy me 3 happy meals
>I want a balloon
>they tell my mom they're all out of baloons
>"BALLOON, I WANT MY BALLOOOON!!!!!"
>make her drive to the nearest gas station (30 minutes away) to buy me a balloon
>we get home
>go to my room to play with my happymeal toys and balloon
>hear my mom crying downstairs

>>25887031
kind of anti-climactic ending anon

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>waddle down the stairs after navigating through shit jugs and piss bottles in my room to check the GBP board
>just enough Good Boy Points for some tendies and sauce
>roll myself into the living room where mummy is watching her favorite soap opera
>"mummy mummy I have enough Good Boy Points for some tendies!"
>she turns to me with the most disgusting look on her face while I lay flat on the ground stuggling to get up
>"s-sure honey, le-let me just get some tendies for you"
>she struggles to go to the kitchen without vomitting from the smell of my putrid, feces covered body
>she pulls the tendies out of the freezer after letting the oven heat up as she begins to cry into the sink
>I roll over and pull myself up to my high chair that starts to creak as I sit down
>the tendies are done and she puts them on my plate
>she can't hold back the vomit as I open my mouth to eat some tendies and vomits all over my plate
>I can't let these tendies go to waste, so I eat them along with the vomit
>"yummy tummy tendies in my tummy, thanks mummy"

>>25883376
>Grab my bitch summoning stick. Bang it on the wall until Mommy arrives


Gotta lov robots

>>25885169
Stop stop! My sides are splitting from lols.

>gf is asleep beside me don't want to wake her

I read a Franzen novel to her until she fell asleep...shhhhhh

>>25887166
>>she can't hold back the vomit as I open my mouth to eat some tendies and vomits all over my plate

Bravo!

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>saved up enough Good Boy Points for a new game
>ask mummy to drive me to EB Games
>says she drank too much of her grape juice so she cant drive
>decide to go myself
>pack some chicken tendies for the journey
>go to the garage, grab my bike and TMNT bicycle helmet (leonardo, of course)
>riding my bike, people angry and yelling at me as i make my way through sidewalk (wtf am i supposed to do, ride on the street?)
>see cousin dylan walking home from school with his friends
>wave hello but he pretends not to notice me (lol he's so shy)
>get to EB Games, grab a copy of Super Smash Brothers, and head to cashier
>tell him i would like to purchase this game using my accumulated good boy points
>he gives me a weird look and then asks for my EB Games Edge points rewards card
>huh? i don't have that. its what mummy must use to keep my GBP on
>ask him if i can pay with my chicken tendies
>"uh.. no, you cant pay with chicken, that's not legal tender"
>"WHAT? THIS IS TOTALLY CHICKEN TENDERS, WTF YOU THINK, THAT THESE ARE NUGGETS OR SOMETHING?"
>he tells me he's calling security, so i grab the the game and run, get on my bike, and flee
>get somewhere safe, check out game, THE CASE IS FUCKING EMPTY, IT WAS JUST FOR DISPLAY
>so angry, i take a big meaty shit inside the case and smush it shut
>throw it on sidewalk and watch as some excited kid and his mom pick it up
>lel not a complete loss i guess
>get home, police car there
>mom is hysterical
>"ANON THERE YOU ARE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??"
>tell her of my adventure as she hugs me
>get KFC tendies for dinner that night

>>25887467
Moar

> this comment is for the algorithm

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>Wake up this morning feeling good
>Pull the special edition Battlestar Galactica blanket off my bed
>Tie it around my neck like cape
>Step over my piss bottles and old food containers
>It's an autistic ballet as I tip toe to the spots on my floor that aren't covered in garbage
>Finally make it out into hallway
>Rush to look at Good Boy chart on the wall
>MFW only 10 more points needed for a Double Tendie Dinner!
>Run downstairs so fast my cape floats behind me
>Do a running slide onto kitchen floor to tell Mummy the good news
>Mummy just looks at me sternly
>Says to bend over so she can check my diaper first
>"You know I have to check every morning, anon."
>"Nooooo! I don't wanna!" I cry out defiantly
>Tears start to well in her eyes
>She starts walking away from me
>"Wait...Ok..." I say as I lean over the table for her inspection
>Pull down my pants
>The smell of day old partially digested tendies and cheese diarrhea wafts to her nose
>She instantly vomits into the sink
>"That's minus 50 GBP!" she screams with her chin covered in puke
>"I screech and rip off the diaper
>Throw it onto the dining room table as hard as I can
>Orange and brown chunks splatter everywhere
>Some gets on the ceiling
>Mummy curls into a ball sobbing uncontrollably next to the sink
>She reaches up for a towel but accidentally cuts herself on a kitchen knife I left out
>She's bleeding and covered in vomit while screaming how I'm a bad boy
>Quickly put on my shoes and stuff my pockets with frozen tendies
>Run to my car crying because now I'm late for class at community college

>>25887777
>The smell of day old partially digested tendies and cheese diarrhea wafts to her nose


Pure fucking poetry

these are all shit

>>25887826
Fuck u. these are beautiful expressions

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>wake-up at 2PM
>Subconsciously shit in my MLP jammies while sleeping
>scream at the top of my lungs "MUUUUUUUUUUMMMYYYYYYYYYY"
>mummy silently lurks into the doorway to my room
>"y-y-yes, dear?"
>scream "GIVE ME CHANGIES AND FETCH ME CHICKEN TENDIES"
>mummy silent weeps to herself and walks over to my adult-sized crib with a fresh new pair of magic school-bus jammies
>start kicking and flailing my arms and legs because my tummy rumbles for tendies
>start to screech while mummy tries her best to not have another mental breakdown session
>start chanting "CHICKEN TENDIES YUMMY YUMMY FOR MY TUMMY"
>"Anon d-dear, you've already used all of the 20 piece bag from last night in one dinner, I-I...I..have to go get m-
>spring up and smash my body into hers, she screams and starts sobbing
>she pushes me out of the way as she runs downstairs
>yell "OUCHIES, YOU HURT YOUR GOOD LITTLE BOY" and start crying frantically
>chase after her, mummy locks herself in the pantry
>start beating on the pantry while screaming and crying "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR GOOD LITTLE BOY"
>Mummy is weeping loudly enough for the neighbors to hear
>cry even louder and accidentally shit new jammies
>use up all of the engine I had for the day crying
>crawl over to my scooby-doo playroom and roll up into a ball and fall asleep
>wake up at 9 PM, tucked in bed with clean jammies
>note from mummy: "I'm sorry anon, I never meant to hurt you, always be my good little boy! I love you!"
>fresh plate of tendies on trash-littered computer desk
>shovel them into my face
>fall asleep satisfied

>>25887908
Sometimes lately this is how I feel with ny GF, except instead of tendies its sex

>>25887949
you make your girlfriend change you?

Phone is almost dead. Nite

Thanks for lols

>go to work
>work is really boring
>cute black chick replies to my online message to her
>start talking
>she wants to meet
>I bang her and cum in her cunt
>go home and put some chicken tendies and a white pizza in the oven
>watch Batman TAS on the fire stick I bought my mom
>go to sleep.

>>25888018
No. Just begging fur sex instead if tendies, but in a passive way like in these stories

>have coffee with these guys
>all of us have to do this job
>job goes south
>we go to the meet up point
>We all start wondering why the job went wrong
>realize that someone was working for the cops
>people start accusing each other
>someone tortures a cop
>I leave just as shit hits the fan
>I get caught outside
>no Chicken Tendies for me.

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>"m-mummy i need tendies"
>"no, honey you've had enough of your chicken nuggets for one day :^)"
>wait for her to go to bed
>have to be stealthy, so I jump out of the window
>break my as I land
>limp to mcdonald's
>kick the door with my good leg and fall face first inside
>get up with tears in my eyes and walk up to the counter
>the employees are holding back laughter
>"what would you like to order?"
>I want, w-want uh
>face goes red, palms are sweaty
>turn around and walk to the door
>change my mind again and walk back to the counter
>my voice sounds like a high pitched piglet's squeal
>pull out my katana
>"TENDIES, CHICKEN TENDIES"
>"alright sir, alright"
>police come charging in
>"haha alright sonny, no need to do anything stupid"
>I attempt a dash attack like in my animes
>slip and fall
>cop starts laughing and accidentally pulls the trigger
>shot in abdomen
>reach in my bag for one last tendie as I bleed out
>they gave me chicken nuggets

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Give me, give me, chicken tendies
Be they crispy, or from Wendy's
Spend my hard-earned good boy points
On Kid's Meal ball-pit burger joints

Mommy lifts me to the car
To find me tendies near and far
Enjoy my tasty tendie treats
In comfy big boy booster seats

McDonald's, Hardee's, Popeye's, Cane's
But of my tendies none remains
She tries to make me take a nappy
But sleeping doesn't make me happy

Tendies are the only food
That puts me in the napping mood
I'll scream, I'll shout, I'll make a fuss
I'll scratch, I'll bite, I'll even cuss!

Tendies are my heart's desire
Fueled by raging, hungry fire
Mommy sobs, and wails, and cries
But tears aren't tendies, nugs or fries

My good boy points were fairly earned
To buy the tendies that I've yearned
But there's no tendies on my plate
Did mommy think that I'd just ate?!

Tendies, tendies, get them now!
You fat, ungrateful, sluggish sow!
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I screech while hurling into her eyes
My foul-smell bowel-dwelling diaper surprise
For she who is unpooped on is she who remembers:
Never forget my chicken tenders

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sitting in room
>finish plate of tendies mummy just made for me
>hmm, I want some more!
>decide to play a prank on mummy (might cost some GBP, but fun is fun)
>rig one of my pee pee bottles to pour on whoever opens my door
>position my wittle bottom towards the door as well and pull down my diaper
>bang my steel drum to get her attention (at 30 gbp I simply had to!)
>MUMMY MUMMY, I WAS HUNGRY, NOW I'M FULL SO RUB MY TUMMY!
>Hear mummy coming
>A grin grows across my face as she draws near, my eyes crinkle and a "teehee!" slips out
>Mummy enters the room
>my pee pee pours in a steady stream on her head
>At the same time I begin blasting her with my nasty poo poo, coating her in a thick baby waby green layer!
>heehee! messy mummy messy mummy I say rhymically as she is covered in my nasty
>She doesn't say a word as my prank plays out
>finish my poo, turn and sit bare bottomed on the floor, leaving a wittle poopy stain
>mummy, did you wike my joke? ga ga goo goo!
>I begin giggling and drooling while slapping my wittle feetsies together as applause
>She doesn't say anything
>Mummy, waugh at my wittle joke!
>I can see tears running through my pee pee and poo poo on her face
>Mummy, you don't want to upset your perfect wittle boy do you?
>She is still fighting
>My eyes sharpen and I drop my voice do a gravely, gutteral tone
>Listen you normie cunt, laugh at your sons prank or I'll kill you and kill myself, I'll drag you into the bath and slit your wrists while I fuck your fat whore ass
>Mummy sees reason and lets out a chuckle
>heehee! I think that deserves 20 GBP for being such a funny and creative prank, don't you mummy!?
>She does a sort of weird nod and walks out of my playpen
GBP is too easy to get, even when being a naughty boy!

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>be me
>be in mummy wummy's attic
>hear mummy and new daddy making the Forrest Gump sounds
>decide it's time to cash in GBP cache
>503 GBP
>this means soooooo many tendies
>Swing open mummy's door and see new daddy pumping cucumber in mummy
>"mummy i need tendie-wendies!"
>"fuk off m8" screechies new daddy as he spews mayonaise
>begin to cry
>run to attic
>spirit broken
>get on tumblr and read about self harm
>time to show mummy how much i love the tendies
>take katana and begin James Franco-ing my limbs ie 127 hrs
>ketchup & bbq all over
>dump my piss jugs all overmyself and and cover myself in baby powder
>roll to mummy's door
>mfw she's at the door crying
>mfw im human tendie

>2AM
>browsing 4chan
>not wearing pants
>look at this post
>look at my penis
>realize OP is probably jerking off to his own post
>realize other anons are probably jerking off to this post
>my dick has retreated into the Alps

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>finally amass enough Good Boy Points for tendies
>scream at mummy GIVE ME TENDIES GIVE ME TENDIES BE THEY CRISPY AND FROM WENDYS
>mummy asks me to calm down
>slap that bitchy cunt in her face
>scream at the top of my lungs TENDIES I EARNED THEM GIVE THEM TO ME
>mummy huddled in corner crying, nods yes
>go back upstairs to play Tomodachi Life
>mummy leaves to go shopping
>mummy finally home from shopping
>feel my fedora vibrate, senses tendies
>sprint downstairs, fall on staircase and hit head on floor
>tendies too tempting, get up, bloody nose
>mom looks at me
>h-heres your tenders anon
>punch her in the stomach
>THEYRE CALLED TENDIES CUNT
>grab bag
>McDonalds
>the bitch got me mcdonalds shitnuggets and not wendy tendys
>flop on the ground and start crying
>I EARNED WENDY TENDY MOM
>mcdonalds was closer anon
>start shitting on the floor in rage and biting my moms ankles
>she finally breaks free and locks herself in the closet
>can hear her crying

i threw away the nuggets too fucking slutty cunt

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>be me, last night
>mom tells me we're going to a family event, wants me to come
>"it will be good for you to get out of the house, anon"
>"fuck off slut" (im in the middle of minecraft building)
>she UNPLUGS MY COMPUTER, i freak out
>dad comes down and yells, mom is in tears
>im infuriated, facing the other way, but mutter obligation, feeling crafty in order to spite my normie parents
>i shower, brush teeth, and get dressed in normie clothes (jeans, sketchers, and white shirt)
>come upstairs, mom promises tendies, things start looking brighter
>we arrive, people try to greet me and say "its nice to see me"
>typical american slave families all around, i scoff to myself and acknowledge no one
>we sit down, scan through the menus
>only shit-tier food: lobster, crab, grilled chicken pastas and steak
>fuck this, ask mom wheres the tendies
>she says that they dont have any
>lying bitch, i become infuriated
>i throw my menu and stand up, knock over my chair and my water glass (i had asked for mountain dew)
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>all normies shocked, i feel a rush of adrenaline
>try to tear off shirt, doesnt work
>storm out of restaurant with pride
>mom and dad come out, mom is crying and dad is fuming
>mission accomplished
>silent drive home as i snicker to myself in the back seat
>now enjoying a nice wednesday morning on /r9k/ and basking in my accomplishment.
>mfw

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>be sitting in my play pen with my plastic dinosaur toys
>can't find stegosaurus
>RRRREEEEEEEE
>mummy comes running out from the kitchen
>"what's wrong, poopsie?"
>"I can't find steggie!"
>"I'm sure he's around here somewhere, honey. We'll find him later but I gotta finish dinner"
>My eyes light up as she says this
>"Din din? Am I having tendies?"
>"No honey, we're having meatloaf"
>these words stung my soul, it was a slight to everything I stand for
>my disposition changes from happy to vengeful immediately
>"RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE", I explain
>she panics
>"honey, calm down. I'll..."
>as she was walking towards me, she steps on stegosaurus
>his spine plates cut in to her foot, causing her to start bleeding
>mfw I stealthily planted him there to test her
>she could have prevented this if she had just made me tendies in the first place
>a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do

>>25888464
cheeto dust would have been better

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>enjoying my yummy tummy tendies and masturbating to super princess peach
>typical monday night
>suddenly notice its almost 2:30 am
>icarly reruns at 2:30 am
>there is an astonishing lack of icarly and or tvs in my lair
>call my poopnosed mommy
>she doesn't come in
>wait for a patient 5 seconds minimum
>call again
>no answer, the bitch is still sleeping
>she has no idea who she's dealing with
>hit my head against the wall and start screaming
>i can see her wake up from acoss the hall
>threaten to kill myself again
>finally she comes in
>it's about time
>says some shit about bothering the whole apartment complex and how she has to go to work tomorrow
>doesn't realize i don't care
>tell her to get the tv in here
>"anon, you already have 3 tvs sweetie"
>"no mommy, i want the new tv in here"
>she sighs and tells me to get up and go to the living room myself if i want to watch it
>sheathe my katana
>politely explain that i have 1 tv for each show i watch and none of the tvs are made for icarly
>stupid cunt doesn't understand that watching another show on the wrong tv completes imbalance
>whore didn't learn that that's the reason why i burnt the last house down
>"fine, but only if you clean up your poopoo jugs while im gone"
>that fucking cunt telling me what to do
>while the bitch is gone empty the shitjugs into her bed as punishment
>come back
>she's still struggling to get the damn thing in here
>take another poopoo on the ground to pass the time and show her who's boss
>the staggering wench comes in here
>slips on the poopoo
>tv falls on her head
>she stops moving
>blood comes from behind
>dont care, tv's in my room
>plug it in
>realize ill have to watch the tv from top-down because stupid whore is trapped underneath
>dont care, it's pretty funny
>turn on tv.
>buzz-lightyear of star command comes on
>look at the clock
>it's 2:30 pm
>PM
>Take another shit on my mom for making me fuck up again

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>lost all my tendies and GBP in the crash
>decide to earn one billion GBP
>buckle down and start working hard
>clean the piss, shit, and cum jugs out of my room earned 100 GBP
>step outside for the first time in years and go to the barber, earned 10 GBP
>get a shave and a haircut, earned 50 GBP for each
>enroll back in college, 100 points
>keep racking up points for years
>lose weight, get fit 100,000 points
>get a gf 10,000 points
>graduate medical school 100,000 points
>get married and buy a house 1,000,000 points
>mommy awards points for grandkids so I get my girlfriend pregnant a few times as well
>decide to see them through college for bonus points
>fast forward, kids come home for Christmas from unis
>I'm getting close to my goal of 1 billion GBP
>my sons are happy to see me
>my daughter is saying some shit about how stressful college life is
>"I'm having a hard time at college dad, it's so competitive"
>well, honey, I'm sure you'll make it you just have to bee yourself, I have complete faith in you (I've been keeping close count of GBP,. 10 points for giving fatherly advice means I've reached my goal)
>"Oh daddy I'm so glad I have you here to keep me grounded! I don't know what I would do without you
>honey I love you too, belive me life is-
>a smuge smile creeps upon my lips
>IVE BEEN A GOOD BOY FOR MUMMY
>right-hook my daughter in the face
>shit on the dinner table, ruin the Christmas dinner
>my family looks on in horror
>sprint out of the house all the way to my mommy's retirement home
>kick the door down
>shake her hand and smear i with shit
>IVE BEEN A GOOD BOY MUMMY WHERE'S MY TENDIES
>she stares at me with dead eyes, a single drop in her left one

That was 4 years ago. I've been living off my GBP since.

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>I've been a good boy and save up 50 GBP this week
>now I can dine on tendies ALL WEEKEND
>lunch goes smoothly enough. got a nice hot plate of tendies and sauce
>my tummy starts to growl later and I know it time for dinner
>I leave my room and head downstairs
>"mummy! time for din din! its tendie time!"
>mumma is on the couch watching a movie with another new daddy
>lazy bitch. but who cares as long as I get my tendies
>"Sorry anon but you know the rules! tendies only once a day! just heat up some bagel bites and leave me and my friend alone."
>fucking liar! theres no such rule posted on the GBP chart! and bagel bites ! what an insult!
>she'll learn
>wait until 2 hours past my beddie bye time
>grab my pee pee spitton and my hidden pair of mummys underwear to wear as a mask
>interrupt her and new daddy playing in her room
>"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE CHCKEN TENDIES IS WHAT I DESIRE?!"
>start spinning around like taz from loony toons spraying my pee pee all over
>new daddy is screaming and mum is crying

and here i am. eating breakfast tendies in bed like a king. New daddy even said he was going to show me his new gun in the woods

>>25887898
They're all copypastas. 0 originality

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>been saving up GBP for over two weeks now
>gone without tendies the entire time
>finally going to taste the sweetness of tendies and I'll even be able to afford honey mustard
>as I'm leaving my room my older brother Derek jumps down from the top bunk of our bunk bed
>he pushes me as he says "Hey poophead, I saw you saving up your GBP, well they're mine now!"
>I only managed to hid 5 GBP in my diaper
>next thing I know he's redeeming MY GBP with mummy
>he spent them all on an extended curfew so that his playdate with Stacey from down the street could last longer
>he even brought over tendies and her favorite seasoning, cummin
>he'll pay for this
>not thinking, I shit in between his mattress but it falls on my bed underneath
>mummy comes in and says "did my little baby make poopsie again?"
>no I didn't mummy, stupid Derek deserves this
>"Aw well I'll have to deduct 5 GBP from you, you know the rules"
>"But good job honey, you made it an entire three days without an accident, that's a new record"
>not only did I lose all of my GBP but he took my tendies and my pride as well
I hate Derek so much, he a dumb dumb.

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>mom giving me lift to college
>my birthday is on saturday which sucks because it means I wont get a day off studying for mommy's special little guys attention day
>start screaming that it's my birthday TODAY
>mom doesn't even try, simply does a u-turn and drives towards home
>pissed off she even woke me up for this, on my birthday of all things
>piss my pants and wet the seat screaming for my birthday cake
>mom starts crying
>it's a sign she'll give in
>"ANON YOU'RE 24 FUCKING YEARS OLD YOUR BIRTHDAY IS NOT UNTIL SATURDAY IT'S TIME YOU FU-"
>baby doesn't like being yelled at
>and baby needs burping
>"burp me or I'll fucking vomit"
>"NO THIS HAS GONE TOO F-"
>stick my fingers down my throat and vomit all over the steering wheel, her hands and her lap
>"baby is all empty and ready for his cake mommy", I said through a smug little shit-eating grin
>mom gives up and drives to the cake store
>I scream "DONATELLO LEONARDO RAPHAEL-
>she cuts me off and tells me to shutup and wait in the fucking car while she gets me my special ninja turtle cake
>well mom, baby doesn't like being told off, so baby is gonna shit his fucking pants
>She came back to the car, saw the mess baby had done all over the seats and broke down crying
>I politely asked for my birthday cake, and started shoving and stuffing my fat faggot face with it
>"Oh by the way mom, this doesn't mean you're off the hook. I still expect a real birthday cake on Saturday."
>I finished about half the cake, most of it just smeared around my mouth and face, huge chunks melting and crumbing all over my lap
>just to teach that bitch a lesson I smeared the rest all over the inside of the windscreen. that will teach her not to fuck with me
>she wiped away just a little hole to see through and cried all the way home
>"it's baby's birthday, and baby doesn't want to walk"
>and baby needs changing

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>Be good muslim boy in germoney
>Earn 10 GBP/day because im a boy, quran sura 4.20 says so
>Decide i want tendie kebab
>Screech at anne" GO MAKE ME KEBAB OR I TELL baba"
>Anne looks at me in a mix of fear and starts looking
>Whore starts looking for tendies, cant find any
>Tummy start to growl, i want my kebab!
>"BABA, MOM ISNT WEARING HER HIJAB!
>Baba storms in and slap some sense into the whore
>Baba finishes halal punchiment by cutting of one of annes thumbs
>Baba yell to anne to drive to Allahs Snackbar and buy some Kebab for her master
>While anne goes of to buy tendie kebabs, german police comes to the door
>Praises us because of our coloful culture and that Mutti Merkel is proud of us.
>Trade some of my GBP with cop for some fucki fucki with blonde orospu two houses next from us
>Getting both fucki fucki AND kebab within the same hour

Im going to save my GBP for carnival already, so looking forward to it

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>be me, 37 years old
>one night sitting in a bubblebath as my mommy has a new daddy over
>the sudden need for tendies comes into focus
>as mommy is walking past, get her attention and ask
>"not right now sweetie, you can have some after your bath"
>try to protest but she walks away in a dismissive fashion
>the audacity of this whore, thinking that i've any shame after all these years
>tactically slide out of the tub like a walrus, covered in suds of soap
>stand up and shit a messy shit in my hand, this will do nicely
>go out into the hallway, find them in the dining room eating dindin
>mommy has her back to me, daddy looking down at his food
>thetimehascomeandsohavei.jpg
>lunge into the room with the force of a tank, jumping onto the wooden table and sliding with my shit hand outstretched
>mommy skillfully dodges my first assault, but her first mistake was thinking she was my target
>skid past her and slam shit hand into daddys mouth and face as he looks up and sputters out 'what the fuck'
(continued)

>>25888098
Mr pink gets away......

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>>25889527
>as daddy flies backwards in his chair and slams into the floor i skillfully twirl around on my belly and lock eyes with mommy
>i mouth silently to her 'tendies'
>daddy stands up with his eyes closed, trying to wipe shit from his eyes and throwing up on the floor
>arch my legs and kick off from him towards mommy like a graceful swimmer, jetting to her with the residual shit on my hand
>daddy loses his balance and falls face first into his pile of vomit, making him vomit even more
>collide with her and slam into the floor, smearing shit on her face with one hand and reeeing into her ear, leaving bloody piss on her
>stand up, looking down at her and calmly say 'lie in your grave, you've surely dug it, for denying me my chicken nugget'
>she looks up to me with pleading eyes as i silently mouth the word 'no' as i turn around with my ass perched over her
>continue on with my dialogue as i squeeze out a football sized turd, ignoring her pleads to stop
>'i shall not stand for all your lies, never deny me my chicken tender thighs' as the steaming turd flops down
>she raises her hands to try and stop it, breaking it into chunks as it crumbles between her fingers onto her face and chest
>a chunk lands into her mouth as she begins to gag and nearly vomit as i step over her and hobble over to the freezer
>can't find sauce in the fridge, after all these years i make due with my poopy hand, gotta recycle
>devour the entire box of frozen tendies as i howl to the heavens
>daddy manages to get up and tries to scramble for the door
>slips on his vomit and smacks his head into the dining table corner
>ouchie juice starts leaking from his head and forming a puddle on the floor
>tfw it nearly costed all my gbp
>mfw it was completely worth it

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>>25883376
TFW THIS IS REAL

>>25883376
>be me
>be 9 years old
>have 12 year old cousin over
>am playing metroid prime 2 multiplayer
>he gives me 2 options
>If I win he rubs his head on my ass
>If I lose I stretch his butt cheeks wide open
>We play
>We get a mutual kill
>He decides the best course of action would be to get us to bump naked asses
>mom walks in
>we stand still for like 5 hours
>she leaved without saying a word
>I won the game

>>25889705
This isn't pee pee or poo poo

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>>25889551
>'lie in your grave, you've surely dug it, for denying me my chicken nugget'

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Tendies, tendies on my plate
Never early, never late
At twelve o'clock its lunchies time
And mommy serves them on a dime

Mommy cooks them in the oven
To show me extra special lovin
Add honey mustard sauce to this
To send me into tendie bliss

Good Boy Points are thus required
To get the tendies I desire
And if I wish to go to Wendy's
I must turn in points to get my tendies

I turn in points that I've compiled
From huggies, kissies, and not running wild
"What a good boy you've been today
Let's go to Wendy's so that I may repay"

"But you've been eating way too much chicken
You're getting a burger, no screamin or kickin"
This makes me mad, this makes me bitter
This makes me unleash the contents of my shitter

I stuff it in her mouth and punch her in the head
Until I am sure my dear mommy is dead
I steal her purse so that I can have money
To buy tendies and mustard with honey

I purchase the tendies from the nice lady
(Although these tendies are nuggies, which I find quite lazy)
And as I devour my fried chicken treats
I realize that life has never been so sweet

>>25888362
>>25888579
>>25889751
Wendy's serves nuggets, not tenders.

>>25888040
The fuck is this?
>the most original

>>25889705
>>i won the game
i lol'dirl anon

>>25886451
I love these threads moar pls

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>monday night 1 am
>eating tendies with my favorite spicy sauce
>out of tangy mountain dew coolant
>my worst fear has been realized
>only a delicious mint ice cream sandwich can quench this eat
>head down to basement
>the refrigerator has a lock on it
>fucking cunts
>run upstairs to parents bedroom
>wake that stupid cunt up and ask her why the refrigerator has a fucking lock on it
>she tells me the doctor says that being this "overweight" in my early thirties is really bad or something
>i cut the bitch off right there and demand she open it
>she refuses, denying my basic human rights
>well if you want to play it that way
>head into my sisters room and find her little bastard baby is in its little bastard crib
>take a dump right next to the baby, and write "enjoy your monday normies" on the wall
>next morning
>baby has to go to the hospital because of an eye infection
>may be permanently blind in its eye
so do you think they enjoyed their monday?

>>25887166
That last line, I forgot how miserable I am for a split second

>>25887777
punch line haha. Fucking Shakespeare was a pleb in comparison

>>25887826
You're one big lump of shit

>>25888040
Lame gtfo

>then I went to 4chan to brag about my totally awesome day
>that totally happened

>>25888362
Meme magic right there

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>>25883376
oc for my fellow tendie lovers

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>>25890263
2 of 3, phAm

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>>25890271
captcha was milkshakes.

WANT MILKY FOR TENDIES

Are any of these true stories?

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>at the store
>so exited because i racked up a whopping 10 GBP for returning all my mummys panties
>mummy is texting new daddy Chad
>smiles and puts this green bottle inside the cart
>w-wait, theres less room for my tendies
>rip cart from mummy
>she sprains her ankle and hits her chin on the Kroger floor
>I sprint and slide in my red onesie (with buttflap) into the tendies isle, while shitting.
>pour bags upon bags of succulent tendies into the cart.
>mummy shows up, limping towards me, bloody face.
>scares me
>i filng open the freezer door
>probably cracks her forehead
>put some frozen tendies on it.
>because im a good boy
>too hungry so i start eating the frozen tendies
>still good
>an hour later mummy wakes up
>looks really mad
>i get scared
>try and run away
>slip in my own shit
>get a HUGE boo boo on my knee
>scream and cry until mummy carries me back to the car.
>driving home
>still bawling
>dont stop crying until she cooks me more tendies.
mfw she forgot to reset my GBP

So what do you guys ask your mummy to pair your tendies with?

I always ask for Jack in the Box curly fries.
It was my 28th birthday so i got a free bag!

>>25890323

All of them are, newfag.

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>wake up early in the morning covered in piss because my bottle busted open while I was cuddling it
>pull myself over the bars of my crib as I roll towards the GBP board
>all my points are gone and my retarded brother with downs system is the only name on the board
>scream as I throw myself down the stairs screaming at mummy
>she runs over as best she could with her thin, frail legs since she thought it was an accident
>as I pop my leg back into place I start beating her yelling about my GBPs
>"a-anon you're getting too old for Good Boy Points, le-let your brother have a turn"
>just as she mentions that fat fuck he comes in from the kitchen covered in tendie crumbs
>let loose and hobble over to him screaming about my tendies
>mummy's boyfriend comes in and puts me in a sleeper hold as I thrash around
>wake up in the shed behind the house covered in poo poo and pee pee

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>be 32 year old beautiful, happy bouncy baby boy with a bright future ahead of me
>6pm, just woke up, getting my morning ceweals
>enter mommy, she sits down in front of me as i happily pick apart the marshmellows in the cereal and eat them with a spoon full of milkies
>"honey, your dad and i have been talking, and we think its finally time for you to get a job..."
>i stop her immediately after that
>"mommy...what are you...?"
>an incomprehensible rage takes over me, i quickly lash out at mommy
>grab the poopy diaper that she hasnt fucking changed since last night
>throw it right at her face, makes a big splat sound and she falls back from the force and velocity of the poopy diaper smacking her
>as she is stunned and wiping the poopies off, i stand over her with my fists clutched, she is cowering with her hands over her face, stupid fucking bitch
>i remind her that baby doesnt like it when his diaper changing bonding with mommy time is forgotten
>start peeing all over her, she probably wants to be washed off by now
>give her a black eye just for good measure so she doesnt tell anyone what happened
>later that night, she comes in with a plate full of fresh KFC tendies and a new diaper, kisses my forehead and tells me to have a good night at 10 am

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>>25883376
A tendies thread? How nostalgic.

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>yesterday
>wake up around 5pm
>hungry as FUCK
>look around the kitchen
>shit tier food (cereal, leftover spaghetti, chicken, various vegetables, etc)
>tell mom to get me some mcdonalds
>"we have plenty of food, eat some of that first"
>turn around without saying anything
>stomp my feet while going up the stairs
>slam bedroom door
>scream in to pillow
>30 minutes later she brings me a quarter pounder, 10 piece nuggets and says there's a mcflurry in the fridge

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>be me
>23 yo
>watching gay porn on my computer
>furiously stroking my 4 inch dick
>mom comes in
>"anon, is that gay porn?"
>"n-no"
>she takes a rolled up newspaper and starts to hit me with hit
>"you know the lord doesn't like when you watch that kind of thing!"
>"please mommy stop" i'm crying
>"on your back, now!" i can't but obey
>she slaps my penis
>i'm begging her
>"now if I see you watching gay porn again, it's 2 months in chastity cage!"
>oh no, the chastity cage is always painfull
>she removes all my current GBP, and I can't have tendies for all week.
>also she won't change my diaper

mfw lying in bed in a soiled diaper without tendies.

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>be me, a sweet healthy 30 year old baby boy
>roll out of my bed and scurry to my wall where my GBP chart indicates that today is tendies day.
>with a full diaper I waddle to my mummy's room
>MUMMY MUMMY! I WANT CHICKEN TENDIES! CHICKEN TENDIES NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!
>the fucking bulldyke has the nerve to say "but anon, it's 3am. i can't drive when its this late; the dr said my vision is failing"
>fucking bullshit. i rip my diaper off and start to screech REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>start spinning my diaper around above my head; its now a shower of yellow and greenish brown
>mummy finally says ok.
>she drives off to kfc while i stay comfy in my blankie
>fucking blind bitch crashed her fucking car.
>there are no tendies today.

>>25883376
kek, 10/10 OP

>>25883376
>Grab my bitch summoning stick. Bang it on the wall until Mommy arrives
HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA

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>>25890577
i too collect rare feels guy.
the pepe market is oversaturated

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>be me
>finally save up enough GBP to get some tendies
>run downstairs to mommy
>new daddy is on top of her on the couch
>Where the fuck are my tendies.
>MAMAGIMMETENDIES
>"'I'm busy right now anon. I'll give them to you later"
>flip my shit, run upstairs to retrieve my katana and cum covered mlp plushies filled with poopoo
>run over to new daddy and stab him in the throat
>"ANON WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"
>I want my fucking tendies, bitch.
>proceed to rip open all the mlp plushies and spill my shit on the floor
>force mommy to make my tendies at swordpoint
>have her take them out of the oven once theyre done
>smear her face in the shit all over the floor
>put my katana in mommies special lady sheath
>shes crying
>stuff my cum crusted plushies into her mouth
>she stops wiggling after a while
>i take a dump on her to say goodbye
>sit down to eat a delicious meal of tendies
>mfw didnt spend any GBP

>>25890694
>pepe market
Hello Reddit!

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>>25890735
Hey! :)
Asl?

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>at a female classmates house doing our research project

>having a casual conversation until the topic turns to sex

>she jokingly asks "so, are you still a virgin anon?"

>"haha uh yeah i still am" feel embarassed

>she chuckles and moves closer to me(we were sitting at the floor)

>get nervous because she`s too close
>she moves her face right in front of mine
>"you`re cute you know" she smiles before kissing me

>feel her tongue, don`t know what was happening, close my eyes and let her do the work

>is this it, am i finally gonna lose my virginity?
>suddenly my phone vibrates

>reached for it and see who texted me

>it was mom "hi anon, i`ll be home in 40 minutes, i hope you did your chores or you know what`s gonna happen.."

>oh shit. i`ve finished all the chores except one, i forgot to mow the lawn

>i pushed her away from me

>"what`s wrong anon?"

>"uh sorry, there`s uh.. an emergency.. i have to go now bye"

>sprint the fuck out of her house

>bitch i`ve worked hard for this

>reason why i went back to college was for the 1000GBP
>i`ve already accumulated 1320GBP

>mowing the lawn is worth 200 GBP

>not doing a chore will deduct my current GBP

>GBP reward x 2 = total amount that will be deducted

>my mom thought of this shitty system so i`ll always do my chores

>i ain`t gonna lose 400GBP now that i`m 180 GBP close to a brand new wiiU

>drive back to my house using my brother`s car

>mfw i was mowing the lawn at 7pm

>mom arrives 30 minutes later, by that time i was already done

>impressed on how of a good boy i am

>we then went out to buy a wiiU

>still have enough GP for tendies

>everything went better than expected

looking back, did i really made the wrong choice bros?
i knew i shoud`ve used all that GBP to buy a PS4 because my mom thinks that i`m already responsible and there`s no need for GBP anymore

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>>25887594
We did not invent the algorithm. The algorithm consistently finds Jesus. The algorithm killed Jeeves.
The algorithm is banned in China. The algorithm is from Jersey. The algorithm constantly finds Jesus.
This is not the algorithm. This is close.

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>wake up at 5 pm like usual
>start watching anime
>yell for tendies
>"Mom gimme tendies!!"
>no response
>yell again
>Fucking bitch.
>go into her room and piss and shit all over her bed
>Go back to watching anime
>Hear door opening
>WEAR THE FUCK WERE YOU MOOOOOOOOOM
>I went to Cane's and got you a box of chicken tenders
>Go downstairs, grab box of tendies and run back upstairs
>regret pissing and shitting on her bed

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>>25888752
>"RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE", I explain

top kek

original comment d-e-s-u

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>>25890323
god i hope not

MOAR you autistic genius freak

I missed these threads

originalk

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>11pm, i'm in bed
>wake up with a hankering for tendies
>sneak downstairs even though it's past my bedtime
>see mummy and new daddy watching something on tv
>be extra sneaky as i go past to the kitchen
>start whipping myself up some tendies
>suddenly i hear mummy say something to new daddy, she thinks i'm a burglar because i'm making so much noise
>new daddy rushes out of the room
>he runs into the kitchen and i shit and piss everywhere in fear
>he gets angry and starts yelling at mummy
>'why the fuck do we have to live with this fucking autistic kid'
>things get heated and he hits mummy
>big mistake
>pick up some of the shit and throw it in new daddy's face
>i jump on him, throw him to the ground, then sit on his face (i weigh 350 lbs)
>sit there for a while, new daddy stops moving
>command mummy to make me tendies
>she does
>now new daddy needs a special chair to get around
>he flinches every time i walk past
>mummy makes me tendies every day, no quibbles

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>mummy forces me to get a job or she wont cook me tendies
>first day on the job and i hate it
>boss-man tells me to make him coffee
>nuh-uh, nobody tells mummy's special prince what to do
>take his cup into the toilet so I can peepee and poopoo in it
>bring poopy-peepee cup to boss-man
>fired on the spot
>never asked to work again
>mummy now cooks me tendies every night

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>Be last monday
>just waking up
>have a fuck ton of notifications
>Oh shit
>Local chad from my school wants to fight cause i called him out on bullshit on an alpha streak
>Go to class that day
>Sporting my fedora so the sun doesn't blind me
>Mom didn't wash trenchcoat so it was still at home
>See chad
>He walks over to me
>calls me a faggot and everyone laughs
>I remove my Katana from my bag
>chad laughs along with the crowd
>in one swift motion i chop chad in half and split the crowd
>Sudden geyser spout of blood shoots out of everyone i chopped
>as each person fell to the ground i got 1000 GBP
>tendies for years man
>all the grills begin to mire me
>turn them away and go home on my scooter
>everyone is applauding me
>mayor promises me a holiday in which we all feast on tendies
>get home sit down on computer and put the drive soundtrack on
>arealhumanbean.gif
>wake up two days later in the hospital
>What acctually happened was chad kicked my ass while i was pretending to pull out a katana and broken my arm and 3 ribs and i had a minor concussion
>now whenever anyone sees me they point and laugh at me
I can never win i'm destined to stay here forever

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>Acquired large sum of GBP after grammy passed away
>splurged on chicken tendies
>mom had to get a costco membership card just to buy in bulk
>one day mom told me that her "little sugar dumpling is getting a bit of a belly"
>triggered
>no one ever made fun of my weight why is mommy the first to?
>started hitting my head while mommy tackled me to the ground to suppress my tantrum
>she whispered in a soothing voice as I was screaming at the top of my lungs
>AWOOOGA AWOOOOGA!!!!!
>"hush it's okay it's okay, instead, I'll let you cash out all your GBP for orange tangies"
>I stopped sperging on the floor
>been 1 month since I've been on tangies
>feeling great
>mom knows her little sugar dumpling really well.
Moral of my experience, go give you mom a big hug because she changed your poo poo pee pee and looks out for you so no one can hurt your feelings, I like tangies, almost as much as tendies, but it's okay, i can deal

>>25887031
Where the fuck do you live that a gas station is 30 minutes away?

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>be me
>33yo living with mama
>neet
>no gf
>decide enough is enough
>take a lot of clonazepam
>wash it down with whisky
>mother find me
>call 911
>wake up in hospital
>"Oh anon, I didn't know you were so desperate, I will do anything to help you get on your feet"
>Tell her I want to become a programmer
>She gives me a $3,000 budget to buy anything I need to pursue my dream of becoming a programmer
>Buy a new PC for gaming

Why didn't you tried suicide yet, anon? If you die, you are free, if you survive, you will gain
more GBP than you can expend.

>>25891866
tendieville

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>be Tuesday morning
>bed wet from broken pee pee bottle
>scream for mummy
>roll off my bed
>legs no longer support my weight
>slowly inch out of room into hall way
>someone is in the hall
>its not mummy
>new daddy is coming towards me putting his peener back into his pants
>new daddy sees me
>spits in my face
>"if you don't get back into your bed I'm deducting GBP and reverting to pre-inflation earnings."
>can't move to bed
>my body is too large and my tummy wants tendies
>new daddy starts to kick me
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>Grab poo poo pee pee bottle from my neck belt
>old daddy gave me it
>hung me from the fan and played airplane until fan broke
>pull out my peener and spray pee pee over the wall while rolling down the hall
>Mummy comes in and tightens my neck belt until I go to sleep
>mfw wake up to tendies
>mfw no more daddy

>>25883376
What kind of sick demented fuck re you?

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>>25892683
The kind who tells lies on the internet, fucking normie.

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extra crispy tendie treats

made of tender chicken meats

shovel them down into my tummy

they are just so super yummy

soon they will come out my bummy

if I need help wiping Ill call for mummy

later I decide I want to cummy

so I exchange my GBP for some money

to give to prosty for her cunny

I filled her tummy with my gummy

next I stuck it in her hiney

to my surprise it made her whiney

this made me mad, I beat her bloody

I have a nice walk home the weather is sunny

Mummy is gone its only her hubby

He is not very nice he never acts chummy

I tell him my deeds, his mood becomes crummy

he grabs his gun and calls me a dummy

out back he takes me to see a bunny

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With piss bottles filled,
And tendies amassed,
It's normie skulls I command be smashed!
So grab your cape,
And grab your cane,
It's time the normies knew our pain!
We'll flood the streets
We'll siege their homes!
All Chads and Stacies and Tyrones,
Will fear the night,
Will rue the day,
A girlfriend wasn't sent our way!
The uprising's here,
And they ALL will see,
The end has arrived and it sounds like:

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>25883376
I'm loving it

It's about time we had a good man baby story.

>>25883376
>Fucking normies
See >>25893092 and answer there not here.

>>25885266
Silly neurotypicals and their silly trends

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>mum's home after a day of shoppin at the market
>she wasn't alone
>"I got you your favorite snacks"
>pizza rolls and mozzarella sticks
>is she fucking serious?
>"Don't worry, no charge for them dear"
>"good because i'm not wasting my hard earned GBP on SHIT"
>try to keep my cool
>"Why would I want them?"
>"Don't worry I got you a surprise!"
>"How could I forget your favorite..."
>she pulls out a bag
>"WENDYS?!"
>this dumb fucking cunt bought TYSON CHICKEN NUGGETS.
>i hit her over the head with the frozen pack of nuggies until she started to cry
>"WHO TOLD YOU THAT I LIKED TYSON CHICKEN NUGGETS YOU DUMB WHORE"
>she's holding back her tears, trying to act big
>"ATLEAST DAD BOUGHT ME TYSON TENDIES"
>"A LOT OF LOYALTY FOR A SHITTY STORE BRAND"
>"Or perhaps she's wondering why someone would beat her over the head with a bag of Tyson nuggies before she could get tendies for her precious little boy"
>with my mom being a stupid cockslut I didn't realize the front door was still open
>"W-who are you..?"
>"It doesn't matter who I am."
>I slowly turned my head.
>it was him.
>it was dad, with a Wendys bag in his hands.
>"You didn't care who I was until I got you your tendies"
>"if I use all of my good boy points can I have those sweet delicious tendies?"
>"It would cost a lot of good boy points"
>"i'm a good boy"
>"For you."

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>be me
>just finished mowing the lawn
>mowing the lawn is worth 50GBP, which brings my balance to about 350
>I now have enough to get a ten piece tendie dinner
>run inside
>"Mummy I would like to purchase a tendy dinner with my GBP!"
>"Anon, we're out of chicken tenders, didn't I tell you?"
>I smile
>I walk into my room
>pull out a shit jar that's been under my bed for a year
>remnants of moldy, tendy filled shit are pressed against the glass
>"We still have some"
>mother gags and runs to the sink
>she unleashes a torrent of vomit into the garbage disposal.
>"cook them for me mummy, after all, I've been a good boy for you. It's the least you could do."
>"Anon, I can't even look at that thing, let alone cook it!"
>I charge the bitch and slam the jar into her face, knocking her out cold
>swing the jar over my head and onto the counter, bursting it and splattering moldy, chunky shit all over the kitchen
>piss all over mummy
>leave a note that says "You should treat your good boy better and not go back on your word :). Next time I won't be so nice. Love, your best boy"
>go back to playing CS:GO on my PC

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>Go to school
>See cute HeShe I like
>Offer her Tendies at lunch, it declines
>I don't give up
>I head to her house after school and knock on the door, they don't let me in
> I make poopoo peepee bombs and bombard there house until they finally let me in
>I yell a loud REEEEEE and disable everyone
>I go to the kitchen and steal their frozen tendies
>Ayyyyy I'm the memer
>I go outside and call mummy for a ride home
>When we get home I hand her the frozen tenders and demand she prepare them
>She serves me the dank tenders, like a good boy I finish my plate and earn 50 GBP
>at the bottom of all the tenders I find the HeShe I likes underwear
>Jackpot REEEEEEEEE

I don't know if it's right or wrong, but reading these motivates me to be a better person.

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>be me
>sitting at Wendy's diner
>mummy is ordering food for us while I stand behind her hiding from the cashier
>"anon, she says they are out of regular tendies, do you want a chicken sandwich instead?"
>no mummy I want tendies
>"but anon, they don't have any."
>mummy you are making me really mad
>mummy asks the cashier if she's sure they don't have any left
>cashier goes back into the kitchen
>I take the advantage
>punch mummy in the face and jump over the counter
>do poo poo and pee pee as the employees race to catch me
>punch the cashier in the uterus
>dash out the back door into the night
>looks like they lost me
>put my hood up and go back into Wendy's with my disguise
>"hello I would like to purchase some chicken tendies please."
>they didn't fall for it

Tfw grounded for a week

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>mum forgot to give me my GBP for the day
>pick her up from her sleepy slumber place
>drag her away from the shed, across the garden, and into the house
>standing infront of GBP board
>"mum, mum, wake up, I been a golly good boy today!"
>she doesn't respond
>get angrier "mommy! mommy!"
>grab knife from the kitchen table
>remember that I have to be a good boy, even when others are being naughty to me
>pick up her hand
>drag it to the GBP sticky stickers (haha)
>drag the hand to the board and carefully place them
>put mama back to sleep

It was a good day today. I was a good boy, and I really do deserve those chicken tendies.

Even though mama wasn't nice, I gave her a kiss when I put her back into her coffin.

>tfw you still find these unironically funny

fuck you reddit, you'll never ruin them for me

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>mom needs to bring food into my room because of my anxiety
>sheets often get dirty and my room smells like shit
>mom cleans my room on a weekly basis
>always accompany mom and hold onto cart when in grocery stores
>get what I want such as chocolates or tendies (literally)
>always fap in my underwear and toss used clothes to a corner in room
>mom comes in to wash them on weekly basis
>she always wishes me good night while she treats my normie sisters like shit
>literally mommy's good boy
>I am 27 years old and my sisters are in high school

no matter ho fake these storied are it makes me never want children

>>25888362
>black text
>didn't read lol

holy shit 95% of these stories are terrible. How can even an /r9k/ loser be fucked to mass produce them like this?

Be a neet but at least respect your parents, you barbaric Germanic/Celtic cucks. You can learn something from Jews and Southern Europeans in that regard.

These are really bad and opie post his same shitty ones everytime


Fuck off forever

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>10 to 2 AM, X, Yogi DMT, and a box of Krispie Kremes
>In my need-to-know post just outside Area 51
>Contemplating the whole "chosen people" thingy
>When just then, a flaming stealth banana split the sky
>Like one would hope but never really expect to see in a place like this
>Cutting right angle donuts on a dime and stopping right at my Birkenstocks
>And me yelping, "Holy fucking shit!"

Should I continue?

>>25895053
how fat are you?

i hope this is an original comment desu

>>25896575
>Should I continue?
ye

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>>25883376
>be me
>have enough GBP for Weenie Wednesday
> "sorry anon, no more Weenie Wednesday, you're getting chubby in the tummy"
>playfully pokes my tummy
>grab her worthless fucking finger
>bite it off of her hand to show her who's boss and spit it at her face
>mommy crying in agony and promising me Weenie Wednesday
>tell that cunt that it's Weenie Week from now on
>mfw

>>25896891
Metal af desu

Always thought it would be fun to have one of you in my hands for a week or so in a silent and lonely place.

I'll wait robots...

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>>25896861
>Then the X-Files being looking some kind of blue-green Jackie Chan with Isabella Rossellini lips and breath that reeked of vanilla Chig Champa
>Did a slow-mo Matrix descent out of the butt end of the banana vessel
>And hovered above my bug eyes
>My gaping jaw
>And my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip
>And all I could think was, "I hope Uncle Pepe here didn't notice that I pissed my fuckin pants"

>>25897094
You're such a dumb redditor, aren't you?

>>25888464
how did you get both arms?

>>25897192

Not even close man. I simply have my own fantasies like you have yours.

>>25897188
wh0a

>5pm, haven't eaten since noon, starving
>mommy isn't home from work yet
>she promised me some tendies as soon as she got home from work
>call mommy's cell phone, she says she's in an important meeting and will be home soon
>she hangs up
>keep calling the bitch over and over
>she turns her phone off
>start wrecking everything in the kitchen, find mommy's credit card that she left at home
>drive myself to Wendy's and buy $1000 worth of food
>eat chicken tendies until i'm full, fill up the toilet with the rest of the food
>bathroom floods but mommy will clean it up, she deserves it anyways
>mommy still isn't home
>poo poo and pee pee all over the kitchen
>mommy walks in the door and begins crying at the sight
>snatch the tendies out of her hands and go to my room

>>25897205
I think he just slashed them.

>>25890280
>>25890271
>>25890263
How is this OC you stupid cunt

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>be 19
>graduated HS last year with high honors easily (/smartbutlazy/)
>I learn that as a straight white manlet there's LITERALLY no point in trying in 2016
>swallowed many redpills this year(no point in working, no point in college, etc)
>dedicate the year to perfecting my craft (the meme) from the safety of my own home
>single mom (normie) read about tough love on facebook so she demands I make something of myself
>scoff and call her out as the ignorant fatass she is
>she slaps me
>knocks my tiny frame to the floor but I regain my feet
>tears flow from my cheeks but I soldier on
>begin eviscerating rebuttal, explain that I never asked to be born so it is her responsibility to support me regardless of my life choices
>point out the irony that the one beta manlet she ever fucked (besides the sea of Chads) got her pregnant
>"to me, it makes perfect sense that you should pay for squandering your giant nordic genes and robbing your son of the only chance at a good life, being 6'2"
>a tear drops from her eye
>she's probably proudly imagining my future as a great orator, 2bh

...

Reading this thread while listening to Adagio for Strings, I'm fucking crying

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>>25898780

>after a 24 hour drafting session on my Ghanaian animal husbandry channel, I decide it's time to leave my room again and see if my mom is feeling more tolerant now
>I am also FAMISHED, wew lad lmao
>my mom is in the kitchen with some brute
>shaved head, diamond earrings, gold watch, t-shirt, jeans, and air normies on his feet
>also has big muscles and white teeth, shallow superficial chad scum
>"you must be anon, lol"
>waltz on over and take some food from his plate, sit down and say
>"and you are?"
>my mom puts her hand on his bicep and tells me his name is Matt, he's a senior at the local college, business student and fraternity brother
>he gives me this condescending speech about how 19 is the perfect age to start college and I've still got time to get 2 semesters in before I'm 20, he'd help me with social stuff since my mom told him that's why I don't want to go (don't know where she got that idea, fucking cunt)
>TheseNormiesReallyJustDon'tGetItDoThey.WAV
>a mischievous smirk slowly grows on my face as I ask "soooo... be myself?"
>drop the mic in their befuddled faces and return to my lair

what the fuck is wrong with all of you? I knew you were all entitled neckbeards but this is unreal, do you know how fucked up you virgins are?

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>>25898971
>1 hour later remember something Matt said
>"it's now or never bro"
>run to mom's room and throw open the door
>Matt is pounding her fat ass and she's squealing like a stuck pig
>fucking /fit/fag fell for the high test meme
>lunge
>he slams me against the wall by the throat
>pain PAIN REEEEEEE
>also didn't even know it was possible to be that strong
>my mom is hiding behind him holding onto his shoulders
>she peeks out and yells "you're enrolling in college tomorrow and you're gonna be in a dorm!"
>you've activated my trap card
>"oh mummy, did you forget what your precious Matt told me? if I don't start college this year, I might as well stay at home forever! so that's exactly what I'm going to do!"
>fucking logic'd
>matt lets me go and I collapse wheezing, he takes mummy off to the side and says something about me "going to the farm"
>she seems a bit upset, but he convinces her and she then kisses him deeply and passionately
>she comes over and says that Matt is going to let me live at his granddad's farm, where he raises dogs and I won't ever have to lift a finger again
>not a fan of dogs but it sounds like a good place to think so I accept
>my mother handcuffs me to the radiator so she can keep an eye on me since I'm very upset and she wouldn't want her special boy to do anything rash
>they fuck a bit more and then go to sleep

I typed this with my toes on my samsung galaxy note. I'm excited to leave this place behind and finally become a man. But if you think I won't be sleeping with my headphones in on the car ride up there tomorrow with that caveman Matt, you've got another thing coming!

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>>25883376
you gave me a good laugh op.
/r9k/ probably has the best original content around

>>25890263
because i made themand saved them as images, you cock juggler

>>25898976
Don't be sexist, you stupid fuck. I let me daddy use me for cummies so I can get some points. If my parents don't honor the point system, it's them who are entitled.

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>>25898994
>and finally become a man
>*an hero

fix'd, kv faggot who will be eaten by his own dogs after eating meds like a queer whining because tfw no gf

>this normies just don't get it

my god why they let people to escape from tumblr?

>>25886676
Goddamit i miss playing pc games 18hours a day with my best friends. Too bad we all became wagecucks. I'm jello.

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>mama says that she'll stop with the GBP
>I yell that she's a stupid slut, and that this is exactly why dada left when I was in High School
>burst off into my room
>think about why she'd hand out Good Boy Points in the first place
>come that to the conclusion that it's all an elaborate ruse set up by the Jews to control ME
>post on /pol/ about the Jew's mind controlling devices
>realize that all morals are relative, and that the only just punish is to punish those who hurt you
>go down the first few steps on the staircase
>dumb slut watching TV
>"mommy, I have forgiven you"
>ask her whether she could make some chicky tendies
>mama actually makes them
>sneak into kitchen
>stab her and cut her open like the stupid fucking goose she is
>grab a tendie
>eat it and blink into her dead face
>poop my pants
>"poo poo pee pee, now mama has to change me"
>take off shit-stained underwear
>force it down her throat
>good job, mama!

>>25886876
So I take it you're homeschooled from now on?

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>>25889286

>copypastas on r9k
>0 originality

I'll give you the 0 originality.

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>wake up in my crib
>stretch out, my legs can barely fit between the bars
>as I move, I feel my poopoo sloshing around my diapers
>hmm, mommy seems to have forgotten to change me today
>my tummy rumbles
>look at clock besides GBP chart, 4:54 PM, almost time for my brekky
>I stand up in the crib and yell "RUMBLY-RUMBLY IN MY TUMMY, GIMME CHICKIE TENDIES MOMMY"
>no response
>mommy doesn't even care that her precious boy is hungies
>contemplate breaking my crib again, but I'm in a good mood since she
>yell again, still no response
>keep yelling for about an hour until my throat starts to hurt
>struggle to move my portly frame out of the crib
>walk downstairs, chanting "CRISPY OUTSIDE, SOFT INSIDE, MOMMY MOMMY WHERE'D YOU HIDE" with each step
>I can see mommy's shadow, she's in front of the telly sleeping
>sit on her lap, my poo poo leaks on her under my weight
>STILL no response
>this has gone too far
>start shaking her
>"TEN-DIES, TEN-DIES, TEN-DIES, TEEEN-DIIIEEEES"
>amazing, she still hasn't woken up, the absolute NERVE of her
>notice she's holding a yellow tube, grab it
>it has small pieces of candy in it, but it's half empty
>selfish cunt doesn't even care that I'm a growing boy and need my sugar
>"be forewarned, mummy... this may suffice for now, but I expect tendies for din-din"
>shovel all the candy from the tube in my mouth

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>Recoding a let's play of me building a 200x200 pikachu in minecraft complete with genetalia
>Realize I'm starving. Literally starving.
>MOM
>No answer.
>Yell MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM for what feels like fucking hours.
>Sick of this shit, I call her phone over and over again.
>She finally answers, it sounds like the bitch was half asleep.
>Already annoyed, I snap "Mom I'm hungy."
>"Isn't there anything in your minifridge, honey? I have to be at work in two hours."
>After a moment of tense silence, she realizes her mistake.
>"I'm sorry sweetie pie I'll bring you something."
>"Finally. Jesus Christ," I say, my rage staring to subside.
>Go back to minecraft. I'm starting work on the detailed penis. I'm using wool blocks to make the cum. :3
>After like two fucking hours my mom FINALLY comes in and sets a tray down in front of me, apologizing for not hearing me earlier.
>And what is on the tray, you might ask? A pizza and a glass of water. A fucking frozen pizza. And not one of the good ones, but the fucking six inch HEALTHY piece of shit.
>I glare at her and start slowly pushing it onto the floor.
>"Please don't, baby. We don't have anymore tendies. I'm sorry. Please," she begs, tearing up.
>Tray falls on floor, water falls on my dehumidifier and shorts it out.
>thiswasthefinalstraw.png
>I start screaming at her and flailing my arms and kicking my legs, knocking over my open piss jug.
>She starts crying and hugs me.
>I scratch and bite her as she silently sobs, holding me down.
>"I'll go get you your tendies, sweetie! I'm so sorry, I should have picked up more yesterday!"
>I calm down and go back to crafting my pikachu penis.
>Hear her sobbing as the front door close.
Bitch was lucky walmart is open at 4AM.

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>wake up in the morning
>it's a fantastic day today
>it's time
>it's tendie time
>run downstairs at mach speed, screaming "TENDIES TENDIES TENDIES!"
>hear audible groan from mummy
>she doesn't want to make me tendies
>she doesn't have any tendies
>but she'll buy some
>i'll make her buy some
>run into kitchen, still screaming
>grab mummy's hand
>run to the Good Boy Points chart
>i have 20 GBP
>"MUMMY I WANT TENDIES NOW!"
>"anon I don't have any--"
>my voice goes deep, and my eyes ignite
>"TENDIES. NOW!"
>mummy is horrified, and dashes out of the kitchen
>hear the front door close
>TENDIES SOON
>mother returns 15 minutes later
>she had a box of tendies
>i clap my hands, grinning
>"TENDIES!"
>she puts them in the oven
>mummy sits me in my big boy chair
>20 minutes later, my 10 tendies are ready
>mummy gives them to me
>she places down 3 small bowls for my dipping sauce
>ketchup, sweet and sour and...
>cherry?
>no honey mustard
>NO HONEY MUSTARD!
>break out of my big boy chair
>pounce on my mother
>start punching her in the face
>"HONEY MUSTARD, MUMMY! HONEY. MUSTARD!"
>blood flies everywhere
>her head explodes in gore
>mummy is dead
>that's what you get for not buying the only good condiment
In the end, I still ate my tendies. Tasted like shit without honey mustard, though.

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>wake up from dream about Fluttershy
>diaper full of poo poo and special sauce
>"MUMMY, CHANGING TIIIIIIIME!!!!"
>no response
>look over to tendie tray
>IT'S FUCKING EMPTY
>"MUMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!"
>no response
>climb out of racecar bed and go upstairs
>Mummy not in kitchen
>Mummy not in her bedroom
>tummy not full of tendies
>let loose my battle cry
>RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>no response
>grab 3DS so I can wait for Mummy
>play Style Savvy: Trendsetters while I wait for Mummy
>hear garage door moving
>time for battle
>spread poo poo on my face like war paint
>take stance at the door
>Mummy opens the door
>new daddy is with her
>"MUMMY MUMMY ME WANT TENDIES FOR MY TUMMY"
>"I'm sorry pookie, I told you I was going out with Chad tonight. I'll make you some tendies right now."
>"NO EXCUSES ME WANT TENDIES NOOOOOOOOOW"
>remove Speed Racer jammie pants and diaper
>assume four-point stance
>"HUT HUT HIKE!!!!!!!!"
>spray wet poo poo at Mummy and new daddy
>"TENDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!!!!!"
>poo poo stops coming out of my bum bum
>Mummy is crying
>"P-Pookie, I'll make you those tendies now"
>go back to basement to work on my Sonic fanfiction
>Mummy comes down with a plate of golden brown tendies and honey mustard dipping sauce
The endie

>>25903111
what happened to daddy?

How is this comment not original

>>25887277

>gf

REEEEEEE NORMIE!!!!!!!!

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Don't let this thread die

these stories are literally the guiltiest pleasure I have on this board

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>playing RuneScape solo
>Antifire runs out, die
>Scream and punch my wall, putting another hole in it (they stopped getting fixed when dad left)
>Fucking normalscum mom yells up to me "Anon, please stop getting mad at your nintendo! Pause it and come down for din-dins!"
>Yell back "FUCK OFF MOM IT'S NOT A NINTENDO AND I CAN'T PAUSE IT I NEED TO GET MY ITEMS BACK BEFORE THEY DESPAWN"
>All the while I'm running back (~200k risk)
>DISCONNECTED FROM SERVER
>Start screaming, run downstairs, tripping over my pissbottles
>Mom is standing by the router, dumb bitch turned it off
>"Now, anon, I'm sorry I had to do that, but Doctor Goldberg says I need to set limits-"
>Cock my fedora back and punch that smug cunt in the neck
>She drops to the ground with a gasp and just lies there shaking
>I start screaming, stamping my feet and turtleheading
>She pushes past me on the way to her room
>Yell "OW BITCH YOU HURT ME!" and start crying
>She ignores me, locks herself in the room
>I follow her, still crying, stand outside her door and start kicking it, chanting "YOU DON'T LOVE ME MOMMY YOU DON'T LOVE YOUR GOOD LITTLE BOY"
>She begs me to leave her alone
>I tell her I'm hungry and she's starving me and if she doesn't get me some tendies right fucking now i'll report her for child abuse
>She tells me dinner is on the table
>It's fucking broccoli and meatloaf and shit
>Start pounding on her door and demanding the tendies I am owed
>Eventually get tired, bitch isn't responding, curl up on the floor outside her door and fall asleep to the sound of her quietly sobbing on the other side
>Wake up in my own bed, tucked in, a note on my lamp:
>"Sweetie, you made yourself sick and messed yourself, so I changed you and bathed you while you were asleep, I hope you don't mind. I'm sorry. I love you, you're my special little guy. Don't ever stop being my little boy, honey. I'll love you forever. Please forgive me."
>Plate of tendies on my nightstand
tfw mummy really luvs her baby boy

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>>25886744
I want to be the brother.

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This following completely true. Unlike the rest of you idiots I actually live the dream.

>In my play room
>Need to make ca ca
>Lean over my inflatable ottoman
>Put my toy dump truck between my legs and make a shipment.
>Ca ca is a little runnier than usual, but it doesn't matter.
>Now I'm hauling a fresh load across the country
>Mummy brings in my lunch (nachos. I like to change it up)
>"Anon, I told you not to play with your poo poo!"
>I'm getting real fucking tired of hearing this.
>Flip the plate of nachos into the wall
>Start punching my own head
>"Anon stop Anon STOP!" she screams
>You made me do this. I say
>She runs out of the room to get the tethers to tie my arms back and stop me hitting myself
>Stand behind the door and wait for her to come back.
>As soon as she runs back in I punch her directly in the face as hard as I can, making a weird, wet cracking sound.
>She falls over and hits her hear on my dinosaur table.
>I go back to playing with my toy trucks and gorillas
>She wakes up a bit later
>I don't say anything, I just stare at her
>She quietly leaves the room.
>I can hear her crying from her room.
>Am I worried? No.
>I'll wait it out and things will go back to normal.
>It's easy for me to be a good boy.
>If Mummy does what I say I'll be a good little boy.

If she doesn't like it she should have had an abortion, she chose this life.

>>25904847
Did Albert Einstein walk in shortly after, hand you a crisp $100% bill, and whisper into your ear "the condoms are under the sink."

I bet we can say you're no longer a vigin anymore ;)

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>in my basement fapping to some sexy hentai
>3:30am and I haven't eaten any tendies in a full two and a half hours
>my stomach growls, my lips quiver
>scream "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" and pound the sheath of my katana against the ceiling tiles
>"WHAT?!"
>I hear her rush downstairs, and I try not to giggle
>"What the hell is wrong is there a burg-"
>mom sees me with my undie tendie in my hand and my rancid ranch on the keyboard
>"Mom I need my chicky tendies. Go to burger king and buy me some now."
>"But sweetums, don't you think it's a little early? I'll give you 50 GBP if you let mommy sleep."
>"Okay."
>relieved, she exits and goes back to bed
>the next day, I steal her credit card and go to the clinic
>pay them to amputate my legs from the knee down so I can only crawl
>have my tongue removed so I can't form words and will only be able to eat tendie mash
>now she has to take care of me
it's the final victory

>>25888165
this is truly the best one
nice one anon

>>25885169
kekekekekekekekeke
kekekekeee
ekekeke

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>sunday drive with Mummy Dearest, go to Sonic for after-church brunch
>pull up to the parking, order delicious scrumptious buffalo tendies and a large blue raspberry slushy, I deserve my treats for being such a good boy.
>pretty waitress brings up our food, delicious box of tendies in hand,but whats this
>diet coke, not slushy
>"Your physician told you that you need to watch your weight, Anon."
>DEMAND my treat
>"No, Anon!"
>So be it, Mummy
>climb out of my big boy seat, pull down by church slacks, release a large steaming honkin tar baby upon the dash board, normies look in horror as I unleash my wrath
>get my fucking blue raspberry, I can hear Mummy crying upstairs.

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>Birthday last week
>Mama got me the counterstrike source cake I wanted
>Get a card from grammy
>"Enjoy your birthday, sorry I couldn't be there sweety, I hope you can use this"
>A lot of weird green bills in there
>Mamas eyes get big
>Ask her what these are
>"It's money, I use it to buy your chicken and videogames"
>"Can I trade it for good boy points?"
>"Yes you can, of course you can"
>then new daddy walks into the room
>smells like smoke and adult apple juice
>slaps mamas butt
>sees the money
>"I need this for the poker game tonight"
>Mama says no, I traded it with her
>He slaps her faces butt now
>Mama screams
>I'm sitting there eating my cake
>Ask her when dinner is ready
>She says I gotta help her
>This FUCKING NORMIE
>ASKS ME
>TO HELP HER
>ON MY OWN BIRTHDAY
>take off all my clothes and jump on the table
>Press my willy in the cake and run to mama screaming at the top of my lungs flailing my arms
>hit mama in the belly
>hear a loud oomf
>new daddy looks at me
>I look at him
>I get down on my knees and grab his crotch
>he goes back and asks me what I'm doing
>I just wanted to show him I can be mama too
>Run at him and bite him in his crotch
>even though he wore pants he dropped to the ground crying
>now everyone was crying
>my diaper has been full the whole time
>put some cake in diaper since mama isnt changing it and feed it to new daddy
>new daddy never came back after the poker game
>mama made me chicken tendies on a pizza that night
>she didn't even charge my good boy points
>best 40th birthday ever

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When you were young
You were the king of chicken tendies
And how you built an empire in the KFC
In yummy dipping sauce pooling around your feet

And your mom would stick a fork right into those gold morsels
And feed you from her hand, her precious baby boy
As good boy points kept adding up till the next meal you'd try

Now this is the room
Your mommy said she'd always love you
And that she'd never want you to move out or go
Into the world, to get a chance to grow

And your dad would drink until he was half dead
And your mom would come up with brand new ways to fry
Those goldbrown nuggers without which you would certainly die
I LOVE YOU CHICKEN NUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

CHICKY NUGS I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU YESSSS I DOOOOOOOOOOOO

I LOVE YOU CHICKEN NA-U-A-U-A-UGSSSSSSSSSS

CHICKY NUGS I LOVE YOU YES I DOOOOOO

From all the kinds I've tried
None of the dipping sauces lied
Whether they're breaded or they're fried
WITHOUT MY TENDIES I WOULD DIIIIIIEEEEEE

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>Recieved 25 GBP for not telling Auntie Patricia she is a murderer for aborting my cousin at din din time
>Demand for tendies from mummy
>O-okay Anon
>Go back to playing Dance Dance Revolution on my Wii
>Hear mummy enter the house
>MUMMY GOT THE YUMMY TENDIES! MUMMY GOT THE YUMMY TENDIES!
>E-enjoy Anon
>Sit up in my booster seat at the table
>Wait a minute
>REEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEE!!!
>"ANON NO STOP"
>ANON NO WANTY NUGGYS! ANON NO WANTY NUGGYS!
>Bitch mummy tells me they sold out
>REEEEEE! REEEEEE! AUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET THE FUCK OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>Remove my rancid diaper
>Fling it at her face and smash her face into my poopoo
>Shes sobbing as i shovel my poopoo into her mouth

Dumb bitch thought she could outsmart me

>>25906167
Lmfao this one is golden

>>25887467
>(leonardo, of course)

MY FUCKING SIDES

>>25890546
>>be 32 year old beautiful, happy bouncy baby boy with a bright future ahead of me
The best part.

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>Be chilling with gf
>Arm around her, watching some shitty romcom
>We haven't banged yet, because I like to make em wait. Turn the tables
>Decided tonights the night, start working out my master plan
>Turn to her
>"Hey babe?"
>She looks at me with a look of absolute adoration, like there's nowhere she'd rather be than in my arms
>Wanna see whats on CN?
>She giggles a bit "Sure, Anon." Changes the channel
>We Bare Bears is on
>Meh tier show, nowhere near as good as the golden age
>gf seems to beg to differ
>"Awh, Anon this show is so cute! Haha,"
>Roll eyes
>"tsk"
>She looks at me a bit confused, but we keep watching
>After 4 or 5 episodes, she tries to break the prevailing silence
>"Umm, which bear do you like, Anon?"
>Audibly tsk again
>"They're all pretty mediocre and uninspired to me, babe."
>She looks like shes about to reply but I cur her off
>Not like the good old days.
>"Oh right! Like Johnny Bravo and stuff?"
>"HAH! Hardly. No babe, CN Real was the good shit."
>Now is the kicker, if she's 1/100th as smart as I think she is, she'll agree hands down
>"Eh, I didn't really like it much. I was a little old for Cartoon Network when it came out anyway, but I didn't like it when my little sister had it on. To each their own though, I guess."
>Heart sinks
>"What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?"
>She looks confused, hurt even.
>"Wh- Anon I was just."
>Stand up, tears in my eyes, choking back sobs
>"Why th- the FUCK is everyone always hating on CN Real?"
>She looks genuinely concerned, stands up and tries to touch my shoulder
>Brush her hand off
>Fucking RANT about how CN Real saved my life, how it was there when nothing else was, and basically was my only friend
>GF is now in tears over my outburst, seems afraid and hurt
>end off with "...and I am NOT going to take this shit anymore!"
>Leave her house and go home crying.
>Fall asleep
>Wake up to a bunch of calls from her
>Block her number and never talk to her again

Fucking normie cunts.

>>25889551
>ouchie juice


KEK

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>mummy says she can't afford to look after me and pay for all my tendies and my WoW subscription
>tells me I should apply for thta part time job at Lickin' Chicken to help with the bills
>start hyperventilating, going extremely red like a tomato (YUCK!)
>who does that bitch think she is
>hit her in her stupid old face with my fists and scream at her until she stops talking and leaves
>flash forward several weeks
>mummy hasn't talked about me getting a job since then
>she gets dressed up in fishnet stockings and very red lipstick and goes out all night, every night now, leaving chicken tendies in the microwave that I have to go all the way downstairs to heat up myself
>mfw
>later I find out mummy sent in an application to Lickin' Chicken for me and I got an interview
>I'm sitting in my swimming shorts on my big meowth cushion (MEE-OWTH THAT'S RIGHT!) trying to play WarioWare Touched on my Nintendo when she tells me about it
>MUMMY SHUT UP. SHUT UP MUMMY I'M TRYING TO BEAT ASHLEY
>fucking cunt hole tries to reason with me so I tell her
>WHO'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR LIVING IN A HAUNTED MANSION YOU BETTER LEARN MY NAME CAUSE I'M ASHLEY
>jump up and down stomping my feet
>at the interview mum tries to stop me playing my DS
>I keep headbutting her until she lets me carry on
>the stupid man interviewing me asks me what I could bring to Lickin' Chicken
>keeping my eyes glued to the screen, I stand up and start a one-man conga around the small office singing I LIKE CHICKEN TENDIES. THE FLAVOUR NEVER ENDIES.
>anyway I didn't get the job, whatever, fucking normies said I would only earn 200 a week, I can make that just by staying in my bed all night and not getting into mummy's bed. Ka-ching!

>>25906889
Holy shit. It's not even autistic or "robotic" to watch CN REAL. It's like... just foolish...

It's not...
Eh..
Not..
even retarded

It's just foolish...

>>25905498
>Tongue removed
>Can't taste tendies

Fuckin idiot

>>25892620
Easily the best in the thread.

>>25907146
It wasn't that bad.

>>25887908
This is actually just sad.

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>>25907056
>keeping my eyes glued to the screen, I stand up and start a one-man conga around the small office singing I LIKE CHICKEN TENDIES. THE FLAVOUR NEVER ENDIES.

>>25888362
Meme magic, and it's electric!

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>be me
>be playing my little pony adventures on pc up stairs
>tummy get dicky
>feel baddie browny in dippey wippey
>crawl out of room screaming and crying
>"MUMMY THE TENDIE BAD!!!! TENDIE MAKE TUMMY GO DICKY!!!!"
>no reply, that fucking bitch tried to poison me again
>i'll fucking show her
>put on fedora (never seen without it)
>go downstairs, mummy isn't in kitchen
>pull down pants, bend over and release bad tendie on carpet and kitchen floor
>making piles of tendie gooey goody over floor
>smell is bad
>get around corner and look in bathroom
>mummy lying on floor covered in fresh chicken red
>"oh mummy you're so silly! you got tendy juice over you!"
>mummy sleeping calmly
>creep upstairs to not wake her

I can't wait for mummy to wake up! I'm gonna get so many GBP for letting her sleep!

>Taking my dumpies on the toilet like a good boy to get them GBP
>pound the wall when finished
>mummy doesn't come
>grab an aerosol can from the counter and bang it against the wall until the lid breaks
>mummy finally comes
>"can't you wipe yourself anon? I'll give you double good boy points if you wipe yourself after a poo."
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>Start rocking back and forth on the toilet, my weight rattles the toilet beneath me. The floor is weak from water damage, it creaks in distress. (mummy works full time but is still too poor since daddy left us to get anything repaired around the house)
>"Ok anon, stop! Turn around like a good boy."
>Lumber from the toilet and turn. Mummy parts my gelatinous ass cheeks with one hand and wipes with the other.
>Remind her to get it all
>"Of course, anon."
>Make her look at my shit when she's finished.

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>spend a full year saving up Good Boy Points
>a year without tendies was a harsh on me, but was worth the 350,000 GBP towards a new motorcycle
>pay the GBP on my MasterBoy card, bike arrives the next day
>so excited but forgot I don't have a drivers license
>oh well, licenses are for normies
>spend my days and nights revving the engine in the garage whilst listening to the Drive soundtrack
>having the time of my life
>mummy comes to me two weeks later during one of my sessions
>the booming loudness of the engine filters her inaudible words
>dad storms in from behind her carrying a metal baseball bat
>so its come to this huh.jpg
>slip on my 3XXL scorpion jacket
>rev up getting ready to leave it all behind and start a new life for myself
>as I sit down to drive away the sheer weight of my ass causes the back end of the bike to implode and the wheel to fly off
>it hits my dad square in the chest, breaking nearly all of his ribs
>bike is now a pile of rubbish, dad is on the ground in agony
>walk past mummy who is calling the paramedics and back up to my room
>sitting here wondering to myself how many Bad-Boy Points will come of this and cause my GBP market to collapse

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>Hanging out with my friends, its pretty hot out but we just left our house so were still cold
>Hear some fat tub of shit screaming like a trapped frog or some shit
>What appears to be his spineless mother, is cowering before his retard screams
>He slams his hands in frustration and is turns out he istalking about us
>His mom is looking at us with tears in her eyes
>She says not right now
>a spry grin appears on the boys face, all my friends begin sweating
>he squats and begins to push shit out of his ass then sucking it back in
>"Give me what I want Mummy or else I'll make a Grumpy Dumpy!"
>Mom practically sprints towards me and my friends, we are practically soaked at this point
>she grabs us by our skin and starts cutting us into smaller pieces as her son gives us a wink and begins to let out a smelly turdie on the floor
>mfw I'm a chicken tender

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>went caca in toilet this morning and got 70GBP
>mama asked me what do I want to spend my GBP on?
>combat roll across the floor and jab her in the womb for asking such a silly question
>"CHICKEN TENDIES OF COURSE YOU DUMB CUNT OR I POOPOOPEEPEE IN YOUR JEWELLERY BOX AGAIN"
>"Of course, mamas little prince can have whatever he wants"
>she walks away wincing from the uterine mincing and goes to work
>I go back to the big boy computer and play club penguin
>dinner time rolls around and my tummy is making hungry boy noises
>I go and sit at the table, but mama and the tendies are not there
>I begin to screech until my tendies arrive
>the sun sets and spooky outdoor noises start
>mama arrives from work but with no tendies
>"I thought we could just order out tonight anon"
>the stupid bitch obviously doesn't realise that I spent all day in the club penguin dojo, honing my skills for this eventuality
>flop to the floor and expose my bummy and release the caca I stored from eating my club penguin time doritos
>mama begs me to stop, saying she'll go back out and catch the 3 buses to the store
>"IT IS NOW TOO LATE, POOPOO IS YOUR ONLY FATE!"
>she left the house in tears

This was three days ago and she hasn't come back yet. I've drunk all the nourishment I can get from my pissbottles, what do I do now? Did I do something wrong /r9k/?

>>25906271
That was beautiful, anon
>>25908137
>never seen without it
fuck my sides

>>25893574
This was beautiful
And this is an original comment dhjdhiidodhdhdhj

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>>25886876
I remember reading this one a year ago...

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Thanks for the laughs robots, have a good one

>>25885243
This isn't Reddit you fucking faggots, you only hit enter once after each line.