fat vampire beats up blackulas for the love of fat gubmint woman

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I can't remember the name of a book my librarian recommended me in high school. The hero was a 450 pound white man who became a vampire, but because vampires could transform their mass into other things, he was the best vampire. His friend was a trans woman who used his vampire powers to transform into a better, more convincing woman. His nemesis was a blackula who turned into a black panther because he was black and that's what black people do because black. His love interest was a fat white woman who got implants to look more fat and got wooden stakes implanted into her nipples, which popped out when she was fucking the hero cowgirl and she fell onto him. he survived because he was a superior white vampire. not joking here. he tried to use his 450 pounds of mass to turn into 3 150 pound buff dudes but actually turned into 3 150 pound little people. He learned to focus on 3 different things by training with his trans friend holding tea cups on toy train sets or some shit. What the fuck is this book, is it real? Pic unrelated.