Brave Knight

>>978036

> IT IS I, THE KING OF THE REALM MYSELF! VALIANT KNIGHT, I SHALL GRANT YE A NOBLE QUEST, AND UPON IT'S COMPLETION YER NAME SHALL BE SUNG BY BARDS AND REVERED BY HISTORIANS FOR A THOUSAND THOUSAND YEARS! ARE YE INTERESTED IN ME OFFER, MY GOOD MAN?

>>978036
slay heathens with your magic sword: The Red Rocket

>>978063
Aye and no heathans strike fear in my heart good lord

>>978066
Avast squire, my sword is the mighty and magical Shannon, forged from stainless steel by mongolian druids in lands past the edge of the earth!

>>978111
ah but you forget, that the Red Rocket is hidden away by magic until the need arises.
It has the power slay not their bodies, but their hearts and minds. When smitten by The Rocket the heathens will instantly fall to their knees and sing to their rightful king.

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I hop upon my steed, Golgatha, and set coursr for adventure. On the path a treacherous vandal besets me.

"An apple for a hay penny good sir."

"NAY!" I bellow.
"Hay is for horses and my sword is fir your side!"

I strike him asunder into two with Shannon. I sip from my flask to celebrate and venture forth singing my adventure song.

(In figure 1 you can see the poor heathens soul leaving his strewn body bound for the sun, to burn for eternity.)

>>978127
I will find the sword and perform a field comparison guy! Tell me in which foul bog or shrubbery i may find this red rocket!

>in mind

Hmmmmm. A king for the heathens. Perhaps it is I. The power..............

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>>978081

> EXCELLENT, VALIANT KNIGHT! I TASK YE TO RECOVER MY TRUSTY LOOFAH, AND RETURN IT TO ME! THIS QUEST IS WORTH YER TIME, VALIANT KNIGHT, FOR IT IS FORGED OF THE FINEST GOLD AND SILVER, AND ENCRUSTED WITH THE MOST PRICELESS JEWELS AND DIAMONDS!
> NOT ONLY THAT, BUT ITS BRUSH WAS FORMED OF A UNICORN'S HAIR, THE LOOFAH ONCE BELONGED TO A RIGHTEOUS SAINT, AND IT HAS BEEN BLESSED BY THE CREATOR, TO PROVIDE THE MOST COMFORTABLE SHOWER IMAGINABLE TO ITS USER!
> IT IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM, AND IT HAS BEEN STOLEN BY THE EVIL DARK KNIGHT LORD TOGAR THE CRUSTY, AND I DREAD TO THINK WHAT HARM MIGHT BEFALL IT!
> IF YOU SUCCEED IN THIS NOBLE ENDEAVOR, I SHALL GRANT YOU MY SIXTEENTH DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE, AND A FIEF OF VALUABLE OCEANSIDE PROPERTY! I ASSURE YOU THESE REWARDS ARE WORTH YOUR WHILE!
> MY DAUGHTER, I FORGET HER NAME, IS YOUNG, BLONDE, BLUE EYED, HAS A FETISH FOR BRAVE KNIGHTS, AND IS AT LEAST A 9.8/10! THOUGH THE FIEF'S SOIL IS BARREN, IT MAKES MUCH WEALTH FROM THE TOURISM INDUSTRY, AND IS A BOON TO MY KINGDOM!

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>>978218
Good King I shall recover the loofah most dignintly! Assuradly as your daughter is a sexual sadist, you are the giod king of this land!

I venture to the sea to secure transport from the trusty pheonician merchant Abdul Babal Goldstein. They call him ABG for short on the court.

"Brave knight, step into my galley so we may set course for adventure! To the lands of brown eyes and milky curdle skin we will sail! Hail Leviathan queen of the tide!"

We board his galley, the SS Lemon Tooty, and set course for adventure

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>>978250

> "YE ARE TRULY A NOBLE AND BRAVE KNIGHT! I SHALL GRANT YE THE AID OF EPEP, THE WISEST MEME-SPOUTING FROG IN ALL OF THE KINGDOM! HE SHALL MOST ASSUREDLY AID YE ON YER JOURNEY! OR HINDER YE, IT'S REALLY A COIN TOSS, TO BE HONEST."

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After an uneventful and briefly awkward crossing of the great sea, the SS Lemon Tooty comes to the land if brown haired people.

Epep sounds the alarm.
"Shit just got real!"

Good work Epep, a sheqel and a wine skin surely await you in paradise! Brave Knight, we have arrived!"

I venture on to the deck to find a cyclops is on shore awaiting us.

"Get the fuck out of the way freak!" I cry.

"I'm calling the cops!" Screams the cyclops vehemently.

"Do you smell what the rocks cooking!" Epep says worridly as he looks to ABG and i for confluct resolution

A steel crosses ABGs eyes and heart
"Lets murk this bitch."

I draw my sword. And prepare for battle.

>>978145
The Red Rocket is already inside you Sir Barksalot.
When you truly feel love and compassion for the heathens stir inside you, it shall be unsheathed.

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"Stay here ABG, Epep, cover my 6!"

"Shit just got real!" Resolves Epep

I run aforth the beach. The hideous cyclops was on the phone with the police.

"Yes he's black with a yellow cape and was screami-"

I ran my sword into his silly treacherous face, sending him straight to the void!

"You dun goofed" concluded Epep over the now salvationless corpse of the abomination.

From the woods, with his curdle milk skin and brown hair came Lord Tobar himself, crusty as ever.

"That was my husband you fucking nigger!"

"The fuck did you just say!"

The final battle had begun

-intermission-

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"En guarde, dog beast!" seethed Lord Tobar

"Taste my steel lard crusty!"

I ran him through with Shannon 27 times

"I just wanted some friends.." he wimpered with his final breathes.

"The proof is in the puddi" chimed Epep as he drunk himself on Tobars blood in honor of his ancestors.

I recovered the Loofah from Lord Tobars toyota tercel. Crusty indeed! After a quick wash in the river thames it was as good as new.

As i held the loofah and thought of the kings daughter, for the first time i understood my red rocket and it swelled

"I hope shes a trendy emo" i thought.

We met ABG at the galley.

"Allah willing should the land be cleansed of shellfish fiends such as Tobar" pandered ABG

"Men such as him do it on porpoise, goldstein. Who knows what they'll be puffin about next." I agree

"Filthy urchins. No respect for the struggle of the worker." Sneered ABG.

"I'm hole guy" ponderef Epep lamentfully over the folly of the human condition.

>>978218
My king! The loofa has been recovered and my red rocket swells! Hail thee king what is your daughters favorite color! Does she like grindcore or crustpunk?

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>>978464

The King of the Realm sits on a throne, weeping heartily for he fears the Brave Knight has been slain by Lord Tobar, and that he will never recover his Trusty Loofah. Upon hearing the footsteps of the Brave Knight, the King of the Realm's tears dry instantly, and he speaks to the returning hero with an ecstatic fervor.

> MOST NOBLE OF HEROES! THOU HAST RECOVERED MY TRUSTY LOOFAH, AND IT IS AS GOOD AS NEW! I TRUST THAT YE BATHED IT IN THE RIVER THAMES? HAH! I JEST, SURELY A KNIGHT AS CAPABLE AS YERSELF WOULD'VE KNOWN TO BATHE IT IN THE RIVER THAMES! HAH HAH! BUT AH YES, AS FOR YER REWARD! FOR YER MOST COMMENDABLE SERVICE TO YER CREATOR AND KING, AND THE RIGHTEOUS ZEAL WITH WHICH YE HAVE COMPLETED YER QUEST, I PRESENT TO YE MY SIXTEENTH DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE!
> HER NAME IS, UH, WHAT WAS HER NAME AGAIN?

A crooked. bald old man with a goatee, holding a skull-topped staff, and wearing a black cloak whispers into King's ear.

> AH! HER NAME IS NONYEH, SHE IS, UH, HOW OLD IS SHE?

The sinister old man whispers once more.

> SHE IS APPARENTLY OF LEGAL MARRIAGEABLE AGE BRAVE KNIGHT! MEANING, I DUNNO, SOMEWHERE AROUND SIXTEEN-EIGHTEEN. ACCORDING TO MY TRUSTED ADVISER, BALTHAZZOR THE SINISTER,

The King of the Realm waves his hand at the old man, who peers into the Brave Knight's very soul,

> SHE IS PARTIAL TO THE COLOR BABY BLUE, THOUGH SHE ALSO ENJOYS OCEANIC BLUE, AND SKY BLUE. SHE DOESN'T CARE FOR GRINDCORE, THOUGH SHE DOES ENJOY CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND OCCASIONALLY FREEFORM JAZZ. MY COURT DIVINATION WIZARD TELLS ME SHE SECRETLY LISTENS TO HEROIC BALLADS ADAPTED TO A GANGSTER RAP MUSIC STYLE IN HER QUARTERS! AS A SIDE BONUS, MARRYING HER WILL MAKE YOU 27TH IN LINE FOR THE THRONE!

> DO YE ACCEPT HER HAND IN MARRIAGE? I'M SURE BALTHAZZOR HAS SOME KINDA MAGICAL WHATSIT OR DOOHICKEY HE'D BE WILLING TO PART WITH FOR MY SAKE IF YE DON'T MUCH CARE FOR HER.

>>978625
Do it. She probably has the keys to the castle so you can go in there and take whatever you want some quiet night anyway.

>>978625
Prepare the marriage bed, for tonight our Red Rocket blasts off as we consummate this marriage! Tell Nonyeh to prepare her lewd orifices.

>>979102

The King of the Realm grins and claps his hands together, and his daughter looks

> SO BE IT! YE'LL BE MARRIED AT DAWN! BALTHAZZOR, FETCH THE COURT STEWARD AND THE COURT PRIEST! NONYEH! PREPARE YER LEWD ORIFICES FOR YE'LL BE USING THEM TOMORROW! DON'T WORRY FER LODGING BRAVE KNIGHT, I'LL HAVE ONE OF ME PAGES SLEEP IN THE STABLES FOR THE NIGHT!

The King's Daughter shyly looks at the Knight, as if she were appraising him. A good minute passes, and her eyes seem to brighten, as she likes what she sees. She faintly smiles, and blushes when the Brave Knight returns the expression.

That evening, the Brave Knight lies awake in his bed, dreaming of his soon-to-be bride. He awakens with a start, and quickly dons his armor and sword-belt, prominently displaying the fabled Red Rocket. The wedding ceremony itself is brief, but opulent, and romantic. It is presided over by an elderly, stuttering priest from the countryside, as the court priest was nowhere to be found. He spends nearly an hour recounting the Brave Knight's deeds, before the wedding rites themselves commence.

The princesses lips are very soft, and she is quite inexperienced, but eager all the same. That night, as the pair consummates the wedding, she is extremely soft, warm, and yielding to the Knight's advances. It is certain that she's never had relations before, as her orifices are very tight. Indeed she squirms nervously upon seeing the Knight's assets, blushes at almost every turn, and moans with deep pleasure as her new husband goes where no man has gone before. During the climax, she shouts the name of the hero, and afterward, the bed sheets are drenched. The two go to sleep entwined inside one another, gazing into each other's eyes.
> (cont.)

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>>979298


The next day, the Brave Knight and his newly deflowered bride stand in the King of the Realm's throne room, and listen to the King of the Realm as he prattles on about his irritating in-laws, profitable new trade agreements, and the Kingdom's woeful lack of vanilla pudding. The Brave Knight listens to the King of the Realm's every word and commits them to heart, as is proper for a Brave Knight. Nonyeh largely ignores her father, and instead contents herself with sneaking shy, lustful, and admiring glances at her husband. Finally, the King of the Realm gets around to discussing the Brave Knight's new reward.
(pic related.)

> MOST NOBLE HERO, I CANNOT THANK YE ENOUGH FOR RECOVERING MY LOOFAH! YESTERDAY WAS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BATHED IN FOUR MONTHS, AND I AM INCALCULABLY GRATEFUL TO YE! NOW, AS FOR YER FIEF, IT IS CALLED KNUCKLE'S END, AS IT ONCE BELONGED TO A FEARSOME PIRATE NAMED KNUCKLES, BEFORE HE WAS SLAIN BY A HERO MUCH LIKE YOURSELF! KNUCKLE'S END IS A TROPICAL PARADISE, TO BE SURE, AND IT WILL BE A MOST FITTING REWARD FOR YER SERVICES!
> I MUST WARN YE THOUGH, AN INFESTATION OF VILE TROLLS HAS OVERRUN THE PLACE, AND THEY'VE MOSTLY EATEN THE FIEF'S SERFS! THE FIEF IS ALL YERS, BUT UNTIL YE SLAY THE DANK, MEMEATIC-MASTA, INSULTA SPOUTA, UBER-MEGA-GIGA TROLL, YE WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ANY USE OUT OF IT! I HEAR RUMORS THAT HIS LAIR IS IN THE FIEF CASTLE'S BASEMENT, AND THAT HE HAS SOME KIND OF MAGICAL SWORD, OR SOCK, OR SOMETHING. I'M SURE THIS WILL BE NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER FOR A HERO OF YER CALIBER, AND TRUST THAT YE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY ME MY FIEF TAX BY THE END OF THE MONTH! HAVE A HAPPY HONEYMOON, YE TWO!

It appears that the King of the Realm has given the Brave Knight yet another Quest without realizing it! So be it. The Brave Knight and Nonyeh will need to leave the King of the Realm's castle soon, as it's quite improper to borrow a page's bed for more than two days.

>>978036

Make me a kickass sandwich and I'll give you twenty bucks.

>>979300
Can we just fumigate the basement and gas the troll. Or kick a different page out each night.

>>979776

> BRAVE KNIGHT, I ENVY YE, FOR YE ARE TRULY MAGNIFICENT! BOTH POWERFUL, AND WISE! HOWEVER, YER SUGGESTION IS IMPOSSIBLE! YE SEE, TROLLS SUSTAIN THEMSELVES BY FEEDING ON THE CHAOS AND ENTROPY AROUND THEM, AND THEIR PRESENCE PRODUCES CHAOS AND ENTROPY, MAKING THEM MORE OR LESS SELF-SUSTAINING ORGANISMS. I DOUBT FUMIGATION WOULD WORK, AS THEY DON'T BREATHE. AS FOR KICKING A DIFFERENT PAGE OUT OF HIS BED EACH NIGHT, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT, FRIEND.
> YE SEE, IN THIS REALM, IT'S WIDELY CONSIDERED POOR FORM FOR A FATHER'S DAUGHTER TO REMAIN IN HIS HOME FOR LONGER THAN ONE NIGHT AFTER CONSUMMATING THEIR MARRIAGE, UNLESS THERE IS A FESTIVAL OF SOME KIND! THAT, AND IT SUPPOSEDLY BRINGS BAD LUCK TO ANY NEWLYWEDS WITHIN A FORTY-SEVEN MILE RADIUS! I'M SORRY, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE REALM, I CANNOT ALLOW THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT WOULD BRING MY DAUGHTER, OR THE SUDDEN SPIKE IN DIVORCES THE BAD LUCK WOULD BRING.
> I'M SORRY, I REALLY AM, BUT AS MUCH AS I LIKE YE, YER NOT GOING TO BE STAYING HERE. YE'LL NEED TO SLAY THE THE DANK, MEMEATIC-MASTA, INSULTA SPOUTA, UBER-MEGA-GIGA TROLL AND ROUT HIS SAVAGE HORDE AND RECLAIM THE FIEF'S CASTLE, OR FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR YE AND NONYEH TO STAY! YE'VE GOT THREE HOURS TO PACK YER THINGS, AND THEN YER OFF!