Kevin Quest Ep. 1

>>780234
Go to war with the orcs

>>780234
attempt to summon the dark lord Beezlebub

>>780234
Go play fantasy civ quest

>>780261
This

>>780261
rerolling

Rolled 7 (1d9)

>>780234
Enlist in the Army

>>780261
This

>>780271
Not exactly what I meant, but sure! A 7 is a 7

>>780274
Fuck yeah
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_17zORn2JLQ

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>>780271
Kevin never really had anything going for him anyway. Why not enlist in the army?
The US is currently on the brink of war with the maplebacks from Canada, and lucky for Kevin he's always wanted to go there.
A massive dudesarge stands in the way of the enlisting center, questioning Kevin's skinny stature and jello arms. What do we do???

>>780319
Enlist as a field officer in the Army.

>>780319
Go to Officer Candidate school

It would probably be better to roll a 1d10. That way you lads have two chances

Remove Kebab

Rolled 3 (1d10)

>>780319

Rolled 2 (1d10)

>>780322
>>780331

>>780337
What do you want me to do?
Probably should have said include both the roll and your suggestion

>>780349
Officer Candidate school.

>>780319
Officer Candidate school.

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>>780351
Fuck that muscle chump. After a few Google searches Kevin declares he wishes to attend Officer Candidate School. They enroll him not because of qualifications but instead because he knew what Officer Candidate School was. Knowledge is key to being an officer!
After a couple of months and a few buzzcuts, Kevin becomes a Second Lieutenant in the American army. War with the Canadians is right around the corner.
God bless America.

Rolled 5 (1d10)

>>780381
Buy military strategy books, and come up with the best plans to take down the Leaves. We going to be a general before the war is over.

Rolled 2 (1d10)

>>780381
Volunteer to lead a secret mission into Canada to destroy their Syrup farms

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>>780393
Alright, the 7 9 thing is gay. Just going first come first serve now ;)"
You buy 3 copies of The Art of War by Sun Tzu. While impractical, it's triple the knowledge.

>>780457
Train with the troops and make our hair blond and our eyes blue. We will make our troops be the elite of the elite.

Rolled 2 (1d10)

>>780457
Eat the books for more knowledge then this>>780466

Rolled 2 (1d10)

>>780471
This also

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>>780466
Well, you dyed your hair, but dying the eyes didn't go so well.

On the bright side, now you can wear a sick eye patch!
>>780471
Comin right up

>>780484
You wear blue eye contacts, or you know wear some sick sunglasses

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>>780492
Kevin already spray painted his eye. That shit is fucked for life.
Also, eating books doesn't really have the same effect as reading them...Kevin doesn't know why he thought that would be a good idea.

>>780505
Well now that we look disformed, it is time to go to war

>>780505
Go back in time and stop ourselves from spreading our eye
Unfuck it for life

Rolled 10 (1d10)

>>780515

Rolled 4 (1d10)

>>780520

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>>780515
The United States has declared war on Canada! Kevin's troops rush to the border toll booth. No prisoners!
>>780520
Kevin tried, but ended up getting dizzy and throwing up.

>>780546
Run to the booth naked. It's all about mind games

>>780546
Get 2 colt single actions. We're now revolver Kevin since we're nnek and metal gear or something

>>780546
be captured by Canadians
enlisted for Weapon X
becomes Kevinpool

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>>780551
>>780558
Kevin rips his clothes off and duel wields revolvers, blazing with patriotic fury.

He may get frostbite and/or leukemia though

>>780584
Gas the leafs race war now. Leave no prisoners. Burn their women, rape their fields, salt their houses

>>780584
Cut open a canadian and climb inside of him for warmth

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>>780599
>>780603
After burning some women, Kevin cuts open a mapleback and puts his skin on for warmth. The fields go unraped because Kevin's dick was frozen flacid, and the homes go unsalted because no one happened to be carrying any salt. There's a lot of snow though.

>>780641
Use the canuck's skin as a clever disguise to sneak into the Canadian parliament

>>780641
Use the canuck's skin as a clever disguise to sneak into the Canadian parliament

>>780641
Use the canuck's skin as a clever disguise to sneak into the Canadian parliament

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>>780659
>>780664
>>780686
Kevin slips by unnoticed because they're all low key retarded. Also they're getting fucked from every direction; that may be a part of it.

>>780701
Execute their leadership using Pro Wrestling moves. They won't fight back because if they kill us, we win.

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>>780715
Kevin decapitated the Canadian leader with a jumping high kick, winning the war instantly.
Kevin goes down in the history books for having led the shortest war of all time, spanning 45 minutes.

>>780752
Taking a break lads. I'll be back tomorrow around 6 PM American central time.

>>780752
return to your homeland a hero

>>780752
Listen to Mika - Lollipop like five times

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>>781269
>>781325
(I'm going to be tuning in and out for a while, but I'll be on fully after 6 PM US central)
On the trek back Kevin finds an iPod on a dead Canadian. Score! He plays Lollipop by Mika like five times.
Upon arrival Kevin is valued as a war hero and master strategist, and then immediately kicked out of the military. Apparently his tactics were "cruel and unusual" and "against war regulations" but hell, he fought for America, and that's all that matters.

>>781479
Well time to join the military again undercover this time. We're go in sekit undercover missions and have a robot eye so we don't need to wear a eye patch.

The military will take us back not in public but in serkit as we are a wae

>>781479
Now we have to start our own T.V. show. It will be called, "Courage Under Fire" and will star us as a disabled lawyer who can see into the future, and must cope with the everyday challenges of being disabled, and having superpowers

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>>781750
Unfortunately, Kevin doesn't have tens of millions of dollars lying around, so instead of a robotic eye he just shoved a ping pong ball in there. Scribbled on pupil and everything. Even with his demonstration of initiative they still would not let him rejoin.
>>781950
Because of this, Kevin decides to fulfill another dream of his: acting.

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>>781950
Kevin submits his idea to Netflix, hoping to get a killer contract with them. After several rejections he settled with Lifetime.
The show is called Courage Under Fire; it depicts the life of a handicapped lawyer with the power to see into the future. Will he use this power for good? Will he use it to choose clients that will win cases? Who knows? Find out next time on Courage Under Fire!

>>782395
Now Kevin goes off the rails and he drives drunk downtown, running over numerous children, shouting that he is god. It seems like success has got to him

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>>782401
The show took off swimmingly. Kevin was making fat stacks for months; the fame and success got to him, however.
Fast forward to right the fuck now, with him in a drunken high speed chase. Did I mention he ran over kids and proclaimed he was God? Yeah he did that too.

>>782430
Now, knowing his life is ruined, he drives his car right over the bridge and into the water, but not before putting on his scuba suit and boarding his fishing boat where he sails to South Africa so start a new life as a Barber

>>782430
Time to escape the cops and does this >>782460

After where he gets a new life and he starts a joins a politician party. Aiming to become the first white President after the Africans kick the White people out.

>>782108
>>782108
>>782108
>>782108
>>782108
>>782108
Advertising this thread

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>>782460
>>782472
Well, he drove off the bridge. No telling where he'll end up though. The car is submerged in the water, but since he bought a Fiat it's still partially floating. Italians, man.
Anyway, his ass is lost at sea. Journey across the high seas? He didn't bring a compass or anything so who knows what the hell his destination is
>>782473
Boy if you don't

>>782530
Well, he always wanted to watch Castaway, so now he gets to love it. We will probably just float until we find the LOST island

>>782537
Jeb!

>>782542
SLOW

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>>782537
It's been almost a week.
Kevin's been eating clumps of his own hair.
He encountered another survivor lost at sea on a wooden raft; he killed them and used wood from their float to upgrade his carship.
Also, he has plenty of human meat stored inside the car now. Yay Kevin!

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https://discord.gg/cda9t
Here's a Discord link if anyone's interested

>>782560
Now don't eat the human meat yet. Just suck the bone marrow from the bones. And use the bones to make a fishing hooks and the meat as bait.

>>782560
Did I say castaway? I meant waterworld. Now we will roam the seas eating humans and fishing for fish. We will then create an ocean fight club

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>>782568
You fish for a few days and get days worth of food.
Then a new challenger approaches...

>>782618
Well go inside the car and check the glove department for our revolvers

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>>782636
They were there! Unfortunately they're rusted and full of water.

>>782660
Go inside the car and close the sun window.

>>782660
Dive into the Sharks mouth and wear it like a suit of power armor

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>>782672
Bone shank time!
As Kevin leaps into the jaws of the beast, a distinct "Oh shit nigga!" is heard.

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>>782672
>>782692
Swag.
In the distance a faint ship horn is heard.

>>782710
Light the car on fire to signal the ship

>>782710
Jump up and down rip the rear view mirror and shine it to the ship to get looked at.

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>>782718
>>782744
By Jove it worked! It's a cruise ship! It's the SS Wet Dream!
(I couldn't think of anything he had that could start a fire, gg mirror)

>>782796
Go meet the captain and be saved and ask where their headed? After we make sure our car windows are open so the humans meat and everything with it is gone.

>>782838
This

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>>782838
Kevin salutes his ship as it sails to Davy Jones's Locker.

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>>782838
>>782846
After a fresh cut and change, Kevin meets the captain. He immediately recognizes Kevin from Courage Under Fire, but he tells him that isn't you, since that guy is a wanted fugitive.
After a few more minutes of chat, the captain declares where the ship is headed:

CANADA

>>782890
Fucking hell, all of the inconsistent point of view
>Kevin
>you
GG

>>782890
We need to take this ship over and infiltrate canada. After the Captain gets done talking to you, wait until dark and slip into the command center and pull the abandon ship lever. Then we will pilot the ship into Canadian port

>>782890
Ask where we're at right now? Are we off the coast of America?

Just get a life boat from the cruise ship taking supplies like water and food and maps we make our way East

>>782904
No

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>>782904
>>782907
Yeah I'll get right on that, conscience...
Is uhh...is that deformed guy looking at me funny?

>>782918
Ask "What's up doc." And be ready to be punched

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>>782924
"What's up, doc?"
I clench my face, readying it for the inevitable punch.
"Do you know who I am?!" the freak of nature screams.
"Uh...no?"
"Your men slashed my face with a sword all those years ago...back at the Canadian-American border. I will avenge all of those people you killed. I will destroy you and everything you have ever known."
Shit.
"Ok, how the fuck have two different people recognized me? I was blonde back then! And I had no facial hair!"
"You're surrounded by Canadians. All I have to do is yell and you're fucked."

>>782933
Listen buddy, I understand your anger. I will come with you, but before I do, there is something behind you

>>782933
That doesn't be a friendly thing to do. It's 2016 I was just doing my job.

Now if he yells. Run and get a life boat

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>>782943
As soon as he turns his head around, I pull a revolver out and blast his fucking brains out.
>>782947
So much for pacifism...and my cover

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>>782965
He was right. I am surrounded. Undercover Canadians put on their mapleback hats and pull out their guns.

>>782975
WE POW NOW
Surrender and see where this takes us. NOT BEFORE YELLING RECALL CODE 296YH89

>>782980
This

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>>782980
>>782987
I comply, and my hands and feet are dipped in maple tree sap. Upon arrival in Canada I am taken to the Prime Minister, who eagerly wished to see me after hearing of my sudden appearance.

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>>782980
I also yell "RECALL CODE 296YH89"
>>782999
"Hello again, Kevin."
Oh shit...is that...
"Yes, Kevin. It's me. You kicked my head off when you raided our country."
Fuck
"And now, Kevin, we're going to do much worse things to you! Oh, joy!"
He laughs maniacally as the lights on his robo neck change to red.

OOC: I'm taking a break, lads. This was fun, I'll be back tomorrow, or maybe even later tonight if I'm feeling it.

>>785219
New thread
>>785219

>>785873
Oh shit thanks! I was just about to link it.