QM Critique and Review Board

>>742296
How about every single quest in the catalog

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>>742334
Is that so?
Please explain why they're shit.

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King of New Avalon Quest just wrapped up, folks. The thread's currently open for a post-mortem; I'm takin' feedback and critique and, especially, suggestions on how to improve the mechanics.

You'll find the top of the quest here:

>>710213

Crossposting to the relevant topic, sorry about that.

>>742349
No I mean how about you review every single quest in the catalog

>>742360
>A QM submits their work

>>742357
Crosslinking is fine, recommended even, it's easier access.

Feedback: Hm. I already gave advice on how to improve the writing on the micro scale, on the macro? the quest as a whole?

I liked it. I would have felt more at ease if the MC had played more to my mental picture of 'what ogres are like,' but as I understand it, he wasn't born an ogre and doesn't actually like losing his cool, so kudos for defying the stereotype.

The fact that we succeeded too many of our rolls? Not sure that we did, but conservation and use of glamour might have affected the die rolls more if it had been a longer quest. Once we're out of glamour, we don't win that much. Makes it more important to question 'use it now or later'.

Not sure what was going on on Malloy's side, maybe she caved too easily? Maybe we should have had more dialogue choices, light novelesque? Make trying to win her over part of the game. We're talking about Fae here, control over dialogue options is kind of important.

Speaking of which, who did it well, in which quest? Good dialogue where players had some control over what happens over the course of a conversation? But not too much control, I said GOOD dialogue. Write-ins being honored by QMs in dialogue is shit by definition.

On the topic of write-in dialogue, because saying that something is shit and not explaining why is against the OP:

>QMs write their quests
>QMs have a grasp on the MC's voice, what they would say and how they would say it
>Players have less of said grasp
>Players write in and vote for shit dialogue
>QED

I'm an experienced DM looking to start out as a QM here, if anyone has any advice for making the transition, I'd really appreciate it.

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>>742296
How about Dungeons and Dadaragons?

>>744494
I'd recommend asking over at Quest Thread General.

As for your question... I don't know. Sorry.

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>>742421
> I liked it. I would have felt more at ease if the MC had played more to my mental picture of 'what ogres are like,' but as I understand it, he wasn't born an ogre and doesn't actually like losing his cool, so kudos for defying the stereotype.

No one is born a Changeling, aye. Arthur was an engineer before he became part of Long-Armed Jack's barren little kingdom in an unloved corner of Arcadia and learned the might of stone to survive in a place with no pity and no mercy. You will note, though, that a lot of his problems where solved with some application of brute force and straightforward might. The Ogre idea of stealth is waiting outside your favorite bar and then jumping you when you stagger out hammered.

> The fact that we succeeded too many of our rolls? Not sure that we did, but conservation and use of glamour might have affected the die rolls more if it had been a longer quest. Once we're out of glamour, we don't win that much. Makes it more important to question 'use it now or later'.

Maybe. The thing is, Glamour isn't exactly blood; it's not hard to acquire and doesn't normally do (immediate) harm in the doing. It's not like there's vast conspiracies of humans that hunt Changelings, looking for the guy who hangs around at bars listening to people spill their guts about everything they're sorry over.

> Not sure what was going on on Malloy's side, maybe she caved too easily? Maybe we should have had more dialogue choices, light novelesque? Make trying to win her over part of the game. We're talking about Fae here, control over dialogue options is kind of important.
> Maybe we should have had more dialogue choices, light novelesque?
> light novelesque?
> light novel

Never suggest this to innocent people. Or me. If KoNAQ was going to be longer I may have let that scene play out a bit more, but as it stands not only was it meant to be a shorter Quest, but you caught Malloy at one of the lowest nights of her life, captured everyone she cared about, and witnessed her being treated like chattel by an employer who couldn't even bother to pay her properly. The pirate with the pearl eyes was staring down a future where that was, basically, her life.

Liz Malloy spent her whole life wanting the things she never had, wanting power and respect and glory, wanting riches and fame and for people to whisper her name because they didn't dare to speak it, and when she finally got all of those things she still wasn't happy.

Besides, we all know about fairy tales and the number three...

>>744717
>Never suggest this to innocent people. Or me.
H-hey, there are good light novels! If the characterization, characters, plot and dialogue are good, they have the potential to be great!

>>744750
But not because of the medium. This idea of 'routes', and of dialogue choices that contain the "correct" answers for particular goals, is aggravating to me. It's inhuman as all hell. If I want or need to introduce a game-like aspect into dialogue, there's skills for that (you saw a couple of them - persuasion, politics). This idea of breaking down dialogue into a puzzle in which taking the "wrong" branch too many times fucks you is just...

No.

>>744818
Not disagreeing with you, but doesn't the inclusion of skills do the same thing, if you don't meet the DC? Or if not using dice, if the QM decides your skill level isn't high enough to make that suggestion, but has the MC do it anyway.

>>744862
Depends, really. I'm still not sure how I feel about using skills for dialogue [i]at all[/i] but to an extent they can help me - as the QM - abstract things like favor-trading & political dealing, or to suggest unexpected aspects of a scene (your Intimidation failed because these "punks" are actually hardened fighters, or you unexpectedly offered exactly what the other person has been wanting or needing during a negotiation). The transition from a tabletop system to a quest system's been a bit shaky thus far, which is part of the reason I'm looking for mechanical suggestions.

In a related story, do you have any thoughts on the matter?

Alright, I need all the feedback I can get.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive/704899/

>>744878
Not much I can say insofar as transitioning from tabletop to Questing, but I've heard it can get clunky with some systems.
I feel like the example situations you mentioned are a good case supporting write-ins; at least, seriously thought out ones and not lolsorandum "I take dump in throne room" write-ins." What I mean is, the more thought the player puts in, using established setting knowledge, the sweeter the deal. It is unfair for the QM to bait and switch, whether using skills, rolls, or choices. At the same time, it can be hard to sense their motives.
Also, unless the main character is an amnesiac, going to a portion of the world previously unexplored, or playing a virtual reality game they only heard about from hearsay, they should have predetermined setting knowledge. It isn't fair for the QM to write the MC as a know-nothing, unless he/she actually is a know-nothing.

As for mechanical suggestions... I prefer D100s treated as percentile rolls, or 3D10s with a "layered" success system, assisted by relevant skills. So in short, I do like a skill system, but not one so complex as one from a tabletop game.

>>745001
Somewhere down the line I may have lost my train of thought, because damn, I talked in circles right there.

>>744886

>Help WANTED: BLACKSMITH ‘Bloody’ Magnus needs new assistant. Apprenticeship, and phobia of sharp objects are not required. Go to the Hellscreamer district to apply.
>Need a job? Head to the BLOODGRINDER INN. No cowards allowed, must be prepared to throw people out.
>TEST SUBJECT NEEDED!!! Balthazar the Blinding Edge needs new pair of eyes. Go to town hall for more information.
Yep, this is edgy.

Yo, anyone here willing to trudge through numerous threads of haphazardly-made drawings?

>>746271
I guess not, another time then for I must sleep.

>>744818
You're mixing up light novels and visual novels man

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>>744717
>>744750
>Light novels
>good dialogue

Maybe if we were talking about bakemonogatari which, at the least, is intentionally written with complex wordplay and puns that make sense only in Japanese.

Spice and Wolf or Haruhi are LNs that are exceptions to the rule. Novels with enough polish that they actually ready like novels.

Most light novels however, read like this: http://skythewoodtl.com/g11/
Which is the translation to KonoSuba.
Each chapter gets translated extremely fast.
Why? Because the goddamn LN is so badly and simplistically written that it takes no time at all.
The writing and dialogue, while it has its moments, is also trash (and this is from someone who loves KonoSuba. Darkness best waifu; masochist paladin titty seibah top tier desu).

Other LNs like Infinite Stratos aren't much better off either.

Basically, it's SHIT. IT'S ALL SHIT!

>>746528
Right, right. I meant visual novel, my bad.

>>746569
>The writing and dialogue, while it has its moments, is also trash (and this is from someone who loves KonoSuba. Darkness best waifu; masochist paladin titty seibah top tier desu).
I heard that the author of Koosuba is a masochist. Is Darkness her way of making fun of herself?

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>>746574
>Visual Novels
>Any better

I am massive Type-Moon geek and fanboy and Seibah is my waifu.
And I will be the first to admit the VN is written like trash and Nasu's smut isn't much better.
Still better written than crap like Infinite Stratos!

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>>746608
>bringing out Nasu's smut
That's unfair, you know the poor guy can't write smut to save his life!

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>>746624
please respect the talking mushroom she is trying her hardest to get Takeuchi-sempai to notice her.
Except Nasu wrote the cutest and best king and now Takeuchi only has eyes for his waifu.

Sanguine Quest is live. >>728220

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>>746569
Wouldn't this be encouraging towards QMs? That you don't need the prose of classic literature to have relative success with a quest?

I mean, I believe that QMs are fundamentally incapable of writing as good as a novel, but that's because the medium itself restrains them - forces them to read votes, think up how this affects everything going forward, and then write a story post in 20-40 minutes, and then after they've posted there's no way they can edit it if they look back on it five days later and think "holy shit this writing sucks".

Wouldn't this be a little hopeful in the way of "hey if their trash gets published maybe someday my trash can get published"?

>>746704
Jesus, I was clenching my fist in cringe reflex. This, uh, I wouldn't read this fanfiction. Christ, Yeehaw, omigod.

>>746704
>New-York Times bestselling
They sell themselves to anybody, really.

>>746271
Which would those be?

>>744886
Right, so you made a setting where everyone is edgy, and the protagonist is somehow even edgier. Good job, well-prepared cringe. I'm just not really interested in reading more than that, it's just not the type of protagonist I like to read.

>>746641
This is really not mistakable for a male.

>>747529
I thought everybody just sort of collectively agreed to call her a king because it'd be more respectable

>>747614
I think they all thought she was a young man. She didn't age, didn't grow boobs. Wore armor a lot, long hair was worn by men, too....

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>>746446
My XCOM thread first post. Is it a good start?

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>>747514
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Whirlpool%20Quest

Excuse me. I could use a look over on my drawquest "Whirlpool Quest". It's close to finishing and I plan on resuming it tomorrow or the day after that. It's literally my first ever quest and first ever foray into interactive fiction in general. In fact I initially came here just to "test run" my idea (which would've been done in a forum) before getting heavily invested in it.

I've gotten a lot of things wrong, it's clear from the beginning, so instead I want to know what I got -right-. I get experimental at times so there are a lot of questionable ideas I've handled throughout my run and I'm not aware which ones were good. I need to know because I have other projects to run once I finished with my stuff here, so I could use the improvement.

Criticisms about the art are on a lower priority, mainly because I make a habit of rushing things and cutting corners. If I were to do this quest on, say, an actual forum I'd probably give it a lot more polish. Maybe even make it in flash. Also, it's visual style is obviously influenced by its inspiration and I try my best to adhere to it. Still, I wouldn't mind a little extra.

And before anyone complains, yes yes I know about the MC but I try not to make it the focus of the story. I'm a naive newcomer, okay? Although to be fair I tried to be cheeky in the early threads since I mutually play along with my players anyway, but as the quest goes it it almost falls completely out of focus.

Pic is a review I had in the past, but it only reaches up to the point shortly before I start having noticeable improvements in handling the plot. (Along with me explaining my rationale like a prisoner on death row)

Don't worry, I have an entire day so take your time.

I'll take any critique if anybody is willing to do that for me.

Here was my first post: >>715007

Here is the continuation where I made improvements (Minus the wacky format errors):
>>738923

The first post is mainly for reference/comparison so if a critic wishes to ignore it, then that is also fine.

>>746704
Quests are nice because they force to consider things you wouldn't normally ever consider in writing normally.

This is coming from a QM who writes on the side.

Another thing I appreciate is it makes you adapt better and is great at getting better at expanding plot webs.

And yeah the not being able to rewrite it sucks part but that is due to a quest and truth is you should be relying on something more then just writing quality in a quest to get by.

>>747663
Info dumps murder quests early on. You can only get away with it if your a run longing QM or your quest isn't so new.

>>748496
Was that addressed to me or was that meant for >>747675??

>>746734
>>747161
I believe this is intended to be a silly parody

>>748573
Just anybody willing to critique, just leaving it up to chance.

I feel weird about asking for critique here, just because I am incapable of giving proper critique. I know it's not really a critique exchange, but it just seems strange.

Would like some feedback on this, it's the opening to a potential Slasher Movie quest for Halloween.

Thick. Heavy. You breathe yourself into yourself and try to move like a bird breaking out of its shell. Thick. Heavy.

You sit within the walls and listen.

You sit within the walls and watch.

You sit within the walls and wait.

.....

"So what piece of trash did the old man get this time? Shrunken head? Ancient Sarcophagus?"

Two men in green uniforms wrestle a brown box off a dolly and maneuver it between an assortment of objects that litter the floor. Walls of white plaster death-masks leer down at them with pained and wrinkled expressions.

"The doc called it a cenotaph."

"What the fuck is a cenotaph?"

The two men pry a wooden side of the box open with a crowbar and peer inside.

"...It's fucking rocks!" One yells. "The old man's so bad now he's having us move rocks!"

"Well...shit." The other sighs in sympathy. "Just don't drop it. We chip his billion dollar rocks its coming straight out of our salary.

"How the hell would he even know?" The other groans as he lifts and tugs. "I mean LOOK at it!"

The stone. They see a hunk of chipped and battered marble. They see trash.

But you see the consecration. You see the image of an ancient man lay hands upon it and mutter words of peace and rest in an ancient tongue. You see a world of green fields and blue waters.

Where they see trash you see a roadmarker to paradise. You see rest within the stone. You see peace everlasting.

You fall to it. Heavy and thick, you fall into the gravity of its peace.

You are warm and safe and filled with light.

And you hear not what they say and see not what they do.

>>748668
"Man, look at all this shit! All this shit that just sits here gathering dust! All this shit that WE got to move!" One of the men gestures to the collection around him, to the medieval etchings of the dance macabre, to the candied skulls, to the concrete headless angel statue, to an entire planet's attempts to explain, define, and cheat death.

And he gestures to the stone as well...

"God. Do you remember when he had us move those Indian doll collections up stairs to make room for the headstones? Nearly broke my back on those stairs.." He sits himself down on a black wooden coffin. It creaks under his weight.

"I don't think you can sit on that."

"Oh can't I? Say I did break it. Old man Thorne's never going to find out. He just sits in his bed all day waiting for the moment he becomes a part of his personal Adams Family collection." He fumbles through is pockets until he produces a lighter and cigarette.

"And I really don't think you should smoke in here."

"Who's going to mind? The mummy in the corner?" He says with a defiant flick of his lighter.

"It could harm some of the paintings."

"Yeah. The paintings no one ever sees and no one ever looks at."

"Well someone might. The party's starting in a few hours remember? And stop giving the old man shit. If your wife died you might go a little crazy coping with it."

"There's coping and then there's making your own haunted house. I mean what, does he think one of these things is going to bring her back?"

"At this point? After all the kooks and psychics and wizards? I think he just does it to do it. Like he's done it so long its just routine for him. Its a way to keep her alive in his mind."

"Awwww. How cute. I take back all the bad things I've ever said about our humble employer."

"You know something Trent? You can be a real asshole at times."

"I don't give a fuck. Besides, he's still hooked on kooks. He just sees one now instead of an army."

"You think the Doc is a kook?"

"Hell yes he's a kook. And a con man. And a thief. And a bullshitter."

"But he's always been up front with the old man. He's made it very clear he's not sure if he can ever commune with the dead."

"Don't you get it though? That just means he's a smarter con than the others That's why he's the only one left! Who would have thought it? The best way to swindle a grieving trillionaire idiot isn't to say you can seance up his wife. Its to say "I might be able to. One day. Want to help with my research?". You get to live in a mansion with maids and shit, you get to do whatever you want with his money, and you get to order around idiots like us..."

"You done with that smoke yet? Want to get back to it?" He asks moving to the door.

"Fuck. Might as well. I want to be done before midnight."

That is when he puts his cigarette out on the stone.

>>748668
>>748674
I assume "we" are the slasher, a vengeful spirit?
This introduction is very wordy; not a bad thing to me personally, but it is a turn-off for some people. There are grammar and spelling errors here and there, but honestly, who doesn't make those mistakes in this medium?
I think it's a cool introductory post, and the end seems to imply we get to raise some hell right off the bat.
I'm making a lot of assumptions here, though, and I could be completely missing the point.

>>748674
>Thick. Heavy. You breathe yourself into yourself and try to move like a bird breaking out of its shell. Thick. Heavy.

I personally had problems comprehending that, mainly after the first heavy, so I suggest working on getting the point across in better clarity.

>The stone. They see a hunk of chipped and battered marble. They see trash.
I would rearrange this again for clarity issues, along the lines of: The men glance at the rock, to them, its just a hunk of battered marble; trash. But you see something different. something beautiful...yadda yadda.

>You fall to it. Heavy and thick, you fall into the gravity of its peace.
Here it seems you start the new line with a sentence fragment, this also might muddle wrong with some people.

Example: You feel yourself drawn to it, the gravity it admits to you feels heavy and think. Has you get closer you feel it's peace.

>You are warm and safe and filled with light.
Too many 'ands' can get redundant so add a comma.
"You're warm and safe, radiated by light. "

If' you want I'll examine the second post for you, I don't want to overstep or anything.

>>748799
Typos: "You feel yourself drawn to it, the gravity it admits to you feels heavy and thick. Has you get closer you feel it's peace.

>>744886
I very much enjoyed the idea of the quest. You made me laugh a few times too. Though I feel like it could be more descriptive in a few areas, overall it feels very fun and has a nice feeling to it as it's not a 'lolrandom' quest but more like it's making fun of 'lolrandom' quests.

Good stuff.

>>748799
Sure. Would love you to.

>>748738
Yes. We're a vengeful spirit who is going to try and murder as many people in the mansion as possible.

>>749073
>>748674
>first line of text
Once again redundancy. you could change it to "Man, look at all this shit! It just sit here gathering dust! And now, we gotta move this crap.

Then in the next sentence you run into the issue with redundancy again. "One of the men gestures to the collection around him, to the medieval etchings of the dance macabre, the candied skulls, the headless angel statue (I feel stating concrete is moot, unless it plays to the plot), A plethora of taboo trinkets that attempt to explain (Defining is the same as explaining) and cheat death.

Ironically, it's getting redundant to point out your redundancies. (No haterino though, just showing you examples)

>At this point? After all the kooks and psychics and wizards? I think he just does it to do it. Like he's done it so long its just routine for him. Its a way to keep her alive in his mind."

"At this point?" Guy 2 thinks to himself, "With all this nonsense of kooks, (Might want to choose a different word, maybe crazies? Or not, might just be our creative differences clashing) psychics and wizards, I think he might just be collecting it for fun now. He's probably been doing it for so long to keep her spirit alive, it's just routine now."

>"I don't give a fuck. Besides, he's still hooked on kooks. He just sees one now instead of an army.

What are kooks? At first glance it seems like you meant it like they were crazy people, but now it's some type of object? hooked on kooks? Then, what is one that he sees? I suggest changing the word from kooks to something different.

>"Hell yes he's a kook. And a con man. And a thief. And a bullshitter."
Con man definitally implies a thief, your conning x out of y for personal gain, its no different then stealing.

"Hell Yeah he's a kook! He's also a bullshitting con-man!." Trent said with angst.

>"You done with that smoke yet? Want to get back to it?" He asks moving to the door.

That's the only example I noticed of you using a tag, (I think theres a different word for them but they're the things that come before, in the middle or after dialogue. Use them more.

Example: "You done with that smoke yet?" Guy 2 asks as he moves to the door, "Don't you think we should get back to work?"

Trent replies as he puts out his cigarette, "Fuck, Might as well. I wanna be done before midnight.

Overall I think it's important you try to set the atmosphere in the begging, establish the characters better and fix up the redundancies. You don't want to be explaining something like this: So the blood was red like roses and apples and fire.

Dialogue tags would also help a lot. But that's all i really see glaring at me in terms of what i can critique on.

>>748618
>I feel weird about asking for critique here, just because I am incapable of giving proper critique. I know it's not really a critique exchange, but it just seems strange.
The idea here is for people to help each other critique. One person says, 'I don't like this, guys, please help me figure out why', and other people chime in to help dissect. I don't think many of us are good at critique, but maybe if we all work together...

>>748668
>Thick. Heavy. You breathe yourself into yourself and try to move like a bird breaking out of its shell. Thick. Heavy.
Not sure I like this as an introduction. Yes, it's moody prose, but it's not informative moody prose. Remember, the first paragraph in your quest is the hook on the thumbnail, people are going to look at it and decide whether or not to click. Plus, there's something off about it, this is where I'd like someone's help figuring out why I don't like it.

>coming straight out of our salary.
-missing a quotation mark, does anybody have a website or program that counts them for you?

>You see the image of an ancient man lay hands upon it

>>748668
>Where they see trash you see a roadmarker to paradise. You see rest within the stone. You see peace everlasting.
>You fall to it. Heavy and thick, you fall into the gravity of its peace.
>You are warm and safe and filled with light.
This I like, this I like a lot. Again, if someone could help figure out why this is good, please do.

>Its a way to keep her alive in his mind."
Typo.

Okay, this is a good conversation, it's a back and forth, it gives good exposition.


>>748674
>That is when he puts his cigarette out on the stone.
Dun dun dun

>>748799
>>The stone. They see a hunk of chipped and battered marble. They see trash.
>I would rearrange this again for clarity issues, along the lines of: The men glance at the rock, to them, its just a hunk of battered marble; trash. But you see something different. something beautiful...yadda yadda.
Why? Yes, it flows better, sounds better. But what about the current style is clunky, and why is clunky bad?

>>749244
>"At this point?" Guy 2 thinks to himself, "With all this nonsense of kooks, (Might want to choose a different word, maybe crazies? Or not, might just be our creative differences clashing) psychics and wizards
Kooks makes me think of Arkham City. The guys with the really thick New York accents?


>>749244
>That's the only example I noticed of you using a tag, (I think theres a different word for them but they're the things that come before, in the middle or after dialogue. Use them more.
Yes and no? The way that the dialogue was missing all tags gave the impression that the spirit was only listening, not watching. Gave the dialogue a feeling of 'being listened to a room away'.

>>744886
If you want more detailed feedback, maybe bring us an excerpt?

>>747663
I'll have a look, but since I don't feel like looking over the entire quest, would you point me at a specific thread?

>>749293
Oh, but then you might not notice my overall improvement (if there are any). Most of it is scattered throughout different threads, and none of them are really that long (except for the latest one).

But if you insist, then I suggest Thread 13 (where I begin to focus on the main plot) and Thread 18 (the latest one >>697637 → where the group encounters the final plot boss, a lot of corners were cut due to time constraints and the sheer size of the updates)

Still, I would really appreciate it if someone's willing to look over all of them as a lot of faults and successes are spread out all over the archive. Preferably someone with a lot of spare time (no worries) since it's possible to catch up within a day or two. I can always be contacted on Discord if there's anything up. In fact I wouldn't mind a series of live review sessions discussing a thread or two at a time. I'm always up to answer questions and on-the-spot chat reviews seem pretty swell since I can answer questions quickly.

>>746608
>Nasu stuff is the only VN in existence
Read Muv-Luv Alternative man.

>>749289
>Why? Yes, it flows better, sounds better. But what about the current style is clunky, and why is clunky bad?
The clunky-ness comes from the redundancy I feel, It's a turn off in reading when sentences are formatted as such. (Using his sentence as an example, not hating)

One of the men gestures to the collection around him, to the medieval etchings of the dance macabre, to the candied skulls, to the concrete headless angel statue, to an entire planet's attempts to explain, define, and cheat death.

When you can get the same point across while cleaning up a few words. Now his default way could certainly work if he went into more vibrant detailing of the trinkets adorned upon the wall

"To the medieval etchings of the dance macabre, To the candied skulls of south america (or wherever), The headless angel, formed of concrete from Italy (Or wherever). and a plethora of other antiquities all relating to the taboo of death."

>Kooks makes me think of Arkham City. The guys with the really thick New York accents?
Makes sense but in his prompt we have no idea where the guys are from, if it is that way he could put a blurb mentioning their accents.

But what really threw me off was this line: "I don't give a fuck. Besides, he's still hooked on kooks. He just sees one now instead of an army."

At first it seems kooks are just another word for crazy people but then it becomes something to get hooked on, the context used for it before seemed as if it was a type of people not something you get hooked on. Then does the only one he sees refer to kooks again? instead of an army of kooks he only sees one?

>Yes and no? The way that the dialogue was missing all tags gave the impression that the spirit was only listening, not watching. Gave the dialogue a feeling of 'being listened to a room away'.

Could very well be that and I didn't grasp it at first. But if the guy's are doing something simultaneously I feel as if there should be one, but in the end that could very well boil down to creative differences and his personal style.

>>749320
>>749331

Upon rereading my response to your first question, I only kinda listed places instead of explaining it more vibrantly, but I feel as if that way it gives the old man a better sense of character. He's willing to dish out god knows how much to buy these things and have them shipped to him.

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This thread is a great idea. Any feedback for Starborn Quest would be welcome.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Starborn

Ignore the one that a troll misarchived. Felt bad that I had to tell Magical Gilrl for hire guy why his quest wasn't archiving.

>>746689
I'm not sure if you're the same person (Dan?) that also posted in the /qtg/ but if anything I'd rather you let me take care of my quest...

As Chucklefuck Mcgee up there pointed out, I have a quest and I am in dire need of feedback (especially considering the latest post's nature).
So if you want, there you go:
>>728220

>>749517
>I'm not sure if you're the same person (Dan?) that also posted in the /qtg/ but if anything I'd rather you let me take care of my quest...
Fiiiiiine

I don't have much in the way of critique for you, I think you're doing fine.

>>749434
>This thread is a great idea. Any feedback for Starborn Quest would be welcome.
>http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Starborn
>Ignore the one that a troll misarchived. Felt bad that I had to tell Magical Gilrl for hire guy why his quest wasn't archiving.
Talk to Lord Lemon on the IRC, he'll fix it. I guess I'll have a look, but it might be easier if you gave an excerpt? Notice how hizpjoNw got more feedback.

>>749623
I'm sorry for pestering you, I don't want to miss out on potential feedback if I choose to sleep immediately. Have you read on the two threads I suggested earlier (>>749320) or are you going all-out in your examination? If you give up then that's fine, I'll look for another person. I want to adjust my expectations on how long I'm going to wait.

Right now I'm preparing the written portion of my next batch of updates before going to sleep.

>>749682
Sorry, I haven't had a look yet. Maybe tomorrow, and don't be afraid to pester me. If it bothers me, I'll vocalize my displeasure.

>>749682
Well, let's get started, then.

Sketch Edition

You are Subject 108—"Whirlpool", sent with advanced technologies to fetch water for an isolationist civilization (on Earth, mind you). However you ignored the objective in favor of having your own adventure and you stumbled into exactly that on Cymbio IV. Since your arrival you've done nothing but wade deeper into the plot that seems to uncover the conspiracies behind the luxurious establishment of Resorcinol and the history of the "tribespeople" nearby.
>Informative, but not interesting. You need to write it so that new people come in, so make the first post accessible and intriguing to anyone who reads the thumbnail. I'm sure more experienced writers and QMs have suggestions.

>Twitter: @guardtemp (rarely used)
>Discord: https://discord.gg/BevR4jK (It's recommended you lurk there because I use it to alert everyone whenever I update)
>Dice: Using 1d6 with modified Roll to Dodge rules (from 1-6: Fail with Mayhem, Fail, Partial Success, Adequate Success, Improved Success, Success with Mayhem)
>Note: Rolling 1 and 6 isn't necessarily bad, depending on the situation.
>Update Frequency: AGONIZINGLY SPORADIC (again, recommending you lurk rather than wait aimlessly on the thread because I update SO SLOWLY)
>Recap: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=Whirlpool%20Quest
Toss all this to the second post, there's no reason for it to be on the thumbnail or before the action.
>On the search for Grant and Petroleum, you face yet another grueling fight as a formidable individual, presumably Petroleum himself, bursts through the wall and confronts your group. He was defeated thanks to Gertude stalling him until you could come up with a plan. Although the action does prompt a female janitor to cause a bit of mayhem in panic. After integrating the wreck of one of his remote-controlled shells, Errai rejoins your group accompanied by Havelyn and a small handful of other individuals. Following Ammonia's somewhat-autonomous cleaner bot, you ended up encountering the same hazmat guy from yesterday. Hoping to avoid trouble, he agrees to your demand that you see what's down the large elevator he was keeping you away from. As your group descends, a pair of robots crash down and battle your group again.
Please work on the tenses, they were all over the place. Further, there's no reason for this all to be in one big blob of text. (Unless maybe it chokes down the exposition pill faster? Bears investigating.) You want it easy to read.

Speaking as a reader who just popped in on your thread, the exposition doesn't mean much to me. So it probably won't mean much to a hypothetical reader who just feels like checking into your thread to see what all the hullabaloo is about.

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>Hmph, there's more to this than you thought. The platform starts going down to the central depths of the establishment. You try to ponder your situation but your contemplation is interrupted with the sound of Sirius getting hurt.

You turn around and see that a robot has fallen on top of him. He's pinned down by a bladed weapon and out of the fight, but at least he's okay. The others have dodged out of the way in panic. In a fit of instinct, you pull Errai out of the way to avoid a second robot crashing on top of her.

Something about the transition between calm and action seems weird to me. Hopefully someone else can figure out why.
The same problem happens in the pictures too. It doesn't even transition between nothing happens then something happening. It's 'one state' then 'a different state'.

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The second panel of this comic is good. It's dramatic, has an active element of 'I'm a threat, I'm charging up.'

I just woke up, having not slept easy.

>>749834
>Catalog entry
If you checked the older threads, this paragraph is even older. I don't even know what to add.

>2nd post
I place the last update from the previous thread there. Plus, I thought it wouldn't matter since it's not shown on the catalog page.

>The themes
That was a recap paragraph in case people don't want to read the last thread. As for the tenses, shoot, yeah you're right. I swear I nailed the previous ones. This one was from me rushing things.

>>749844
Okay, it's really hard to make do when you're rushing. Also, because I didn't spend another panel showing the "arrival" of the first robot.

I'd be open for suggestions but my next thread would probably be the last one (not counting the epilogue...if it's worth another thread. I don't write like a standard writequest so my wording isn't up to snuff.

>>750392
>If you checked the older threads, this paragraph is even older. I don't even know what to add.
Shoot, I didn't type that right.

What I meant was that in the older threads, that paragraph is much longer. I thought I have to compress it because of an anon's idea of putting as much stuff in the catalog entry as possible. (I assume that was you) Which might not be something I can handle (since I draw a 800x600 OP pic for every thread...did you notice that? Look at the OP post of every thread, there's a new OP image for each one)

>>750410
>What I meant was that in the older threads, that paragraph is much longer. I thought I have to compress it because of an anon's idea of putting as much stuff in the catalog entry as possible. (I assume that was you) Which might not be something I can handle (since I draw a 800x600 OP pic for every thread...did you notice that? Look at the OP post of every thread, there's a new OP image for each one)
Nice. It wasn't me, but I'm echoing what other anons have said.

>>749623

No problem I'll get on the IRC soonish. Let me grab an excert.

[b] From my favourite thread - our boss and companion take son one of his ex students who lost it due to our MC. [/b]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0MIFHLIzZY

You are Vernon Lexington. Last of the Ghenrisian first batallion. First Archmage of Ghenris, former Court member, captain, historian, biographer , soldier, sailor, tinker, soldier, spy.

You are the oldest Starborn in existense, eclipsing The Senator by at least fifty years. Over the centuries you have killed countless as much as you have loved, fought under kings, queens and senators. Now you face a task that always falls upon you - to stop a pupil.

Matt always got to attached, blinded by emotion, he was loyal to a fault and then some. His coddling of Luc was suffocating the kid and it had took a full night of drinking to get him to agree to entrust him to the academy. Then Purps trained the kid, shattering the belief that he'd be there for Luc 28/8.

You don't want to know what Purps said or did, but Matt went from teaching her a lesson to wanting her head and that kind of break is nigh impossible for starborn to recover from.

Once the zerker switch is flipped, he's no longer trustworthy.

You spin your old spear and feel the familiar enchantments buzzing in the air even as you inhale the cigarette Purps offered you. No matter how may times you do this, it never gets any easier.

You smoke as you walk down the slight incline, satisfied that the kids aren't going to be here for this. You spit the cigarette out and get your game face on applying ward after ward on the walk. Space folds around you as you enter the range of Matt's enigma, he's still looking for Purps and relying heavily on his enigma to do so.

> The fuck are you doing Matt?

> Don't make this difficult Matt.

> Stop. Sit Down and try to meditate.

> Attack (Magic, Spear or other?)

> Write-In

>>750475
Damn. Great atmosphere. The music chosen really helped with it.

>that kind of break is nigh impossible for starborn to recover from.
Not sure what this was supposed to mean.

Not finding much to critique here, other than the need for a sprinkle of commas. Well done.

>>750600

Thanks. It's kind of like, once they snap that's it. Think of going hollow in bleach without the mask or anything.

I personally would love feed back on my quest. I run A Saafe Haven Quest and I have been running it for almost 4 months now. Although better it is still rather rough in my opinion. To be fair this is the first and only quest I have been running.

I have a tendency to write double post updates, even triple depending on what is going on. On top of that my grammar and spelling are often atrocious. I feel that I can write ascertain unemotional scenes decently and I live for character dialogue. Here is an example >>712261

I often thought about maybe separate ponies for dialogue tor clarity of speaker but that would make my posts appear even bigger than they already are. I appreciate any feed back people may be willing to give though.

Here is the archive incase anyone is interesting in tearing up more

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?searchall=A+Safe+Haven

>>750834
What a great example of my proof reading capabilities.

>>750834
>I often thought about maybe separate ponies for dialogue tor clarity of speaker but that would make my posts appear even bigger than they already are.
>ponies
Did you somehow mean fonts?

> feel that I can write ascertain unemotional scenes decently
Certain unemotional scenes?

>>750834
You need to find the right words, “It’s best not to forget who you were, Malena is as much a part of you as you are now. You reach into your pocket and pull out the potion Auriel gave you earlier. “ "Uh... I got a potion that can temporarily turn monsters into humans but I don't know if it would work on vampires... do you... want to give it a try? To remember being human?"

“I… I…” her hands shake as she reaches for the potion in your hands. Seeing the signals you help bring the potion to her mouth and have her drink it. Tears were starting to form in her eyes and after a few second Mother turns into that little girl from the village you remember. Her hair was short and disheveled and the rest of her body rough.

Malena looked at her hands, now familiarly covered in bruises. “Ahhh, Ahhhh…” She began huffing. She feels her now smaller face before looking at you. “Ahhh, Mr. Guardian Angel?!” “You didn’t quite know how to respond, the elegant woman who kidnapped you and your friends reverted to childhood literally before your eyes. You decided to go along with it, and nod to confirm your identity. Malena jumps into your arms and begins sobbing, “Waaaaaaahhhhh!” In between sobs she starts to incoherently talk, “Don’t let them take me! I’m sorry, I’m sorry… aahhhhh!” This time, it was your turn to ensure Malena that she was being cared for, and you pat her head as you give her a warm hug. You decided not to say anything and just be there for her as you likely could not break through the emotions she was outpouring. 500 years worth of bottled emotions were finally able to release in earnest that night. Malena did not let go of you for a second of it. It was such a moment of raw emotion that the dreaded vampiress fell asleep in your arms.

You laid her gently in her bed. Now that the moment is odd you thought to yourself. “Why am I feeling this..” She was the woman responsible for the murder of your parents, your friend's parents and the one who dragged you all into this bizarre adventure. So why do you feel for this woman? You place your hand over your heart. “I’m not crazy am I…” You look over at the defenseless and sleeping lord vampire. Her eyes were swollen and red from what happened but she was soundly asleep for who knows how long. But wait, doesn’t that mean you now have free reign of this room? And with her sleeping like that then could it be possible to.

>Kill Mother/Malena
>Simply wait for her to wake up and tend to her when needed
>Explore her room d20+2
>Write in

>>750843

I ment "separate lines for each speaker" and "certain emotional scenes." Minor dyslexia and phone auto correct doesn't seem to mix well.

So, first, the aaaaah-ing and waaaaah-ing are really getting on my nerves.

Second, Anime Counter. I can't tell you why it's bad, but just consider it 'points of similarity'.

Elegant woman turns into loli. AC+1
Loli cries loudly. AC+1, +2 for doing it in your arms.
Headpat. AC+1
Falling asleep in your arms. AC+1
Feeling love for the woman who took everything from you, Anime Counter+1
Anime Counter Points: 6
Score: Dangerous.

>Kill Mother/Malena
The fact that this option is a prompt makes me feel less annoyed.

>>750877

Q for you then Anon.

My quest is on the nose about it's anime-ness. I play rule of cool and accept anime type battles.

How much is anime is too much anime in an anime style quest.

I've tried not to have waifus be ridiculous or even have the kawaii turned up to 11 on anyone. But with this comment I begin to worry that's why I only have a small dedicated player base.

>>750958
>How much is anime is too much anime in an anime style quest.
Good question, and I can't tell you the answer to that. All I can say is that I dislike when the tugging on my cutestrings is this blatant.

>>750974

I'm now paranoid that Luc is not great. But he's a tiny dio and players love him enough to try and get him to bang a god...

Fuck I'm actually paranoid now.

>>750991
Ew, Dio. What a dick.

Does he have depth? Is there an action that players can vote for that is simply too out of character to write? Do you and your players like him?

If yes, you seem to be dong fine.

>>751037

Yeah. They call him Dio for time stop. I think he has depth personally but im worried about bias. He's popular and we're playing as him right now so I'm thinking he's good.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive/429326/
Getting back into regular updates next month. Figured I could take advantage of any feedback you guys are offering.

Two obvious issues already known to me:
1) Spellchecking and some grammar issues, mostly when I'm in a rush trying to stick to 20-30 min update times.

2) Calling it a Black Company Quest when it's really more an inspired homebrew rather than a faithful following of the books.

>>750958
>How much is anime is too much anime in an anime style quest.
When characters turn into characatures.

So... what's everyone up to?

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>>758870
Figuring out what I want to do for Halloween, getting ready to Quest tomorrow, recovering from Allergies. Usual stuff.

>>758870
Having a headache and feeling like throwing up. Postponed my quest to Sunday. The adventures of Keiichi and his spirit of guns mentor will have to wait for a bit longer, it seems.

>>758870
Having my weekly car troubles.

>>758870
Being frustrated that Hiro's latest round of ads seem to have completely fucked mobile browsing, at least for me, so I'm basically trapped in this thread due to not refreshing it since before said ads rolled out.

>>760439
>>760852
>>760861
>>761003
So, misery all around. Fuck, guys, I hope things get better for you.

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>>761357
Eh, my life is complete misery anyway, so in a way it balances out into zen.

>>761371
In better news, I'm in a cafe drinking Darjeeling tea with my breakfast. Not bad, tastes like proper conduct.

Well unfortunately my own quest didn't take off (The first post did better than the second), so I think I'll just focus on making unique and varied one-shots. Either tomorrow or the eve of Holloween (the next day) I'll make an OP for it.

>>763538
fuck me, i thought i was on general thread.

Apparently, so does everyone else.

Geez.

Somebody pick up a quest to review, please.