Roguelike Quest

>>460451
Alan "Pussy Slayer" Harris

>>460451
Charlie Yendor

>>460451
'The Duane'

Let's bust some moves boys.

>>460512
This

Cameron Ball

>>460512
Alright I'm changing my vote to this. Can we get started op? I'm getting anxious my man.

File: murica.jpg (58KB, 600x600px)

58KB, 600x600px

>>460512
"Alan Harris. Middle name 'Pussy Slayer'"
"Alright Mr. Pussy, due to your incessant desire for power and wealth in the living realm you've been condemned to hell for a period of time until you have repented your sins. Do you understand?"
"How long is a 'period of time' exactly?"
"However long it takes Mr. Pussy."
"I mean I'm feeling pretty repentant right now, so..."
"Mr. Pussy...it says here that you cut off the testicles of 6 men."
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Well they were snitches, what was I supposed to do?"
"Mr. Pussy, I have other damned to deal with. You have your punishment, may God have mercy on your soul."
"Hold up, don't I get like a phone call or something?"
"A phone call?"
"Yeah."
"No. Mr. Pussy, you do not get a phone call. However it does say here that you did charity work in your teens?"
"What the soup kitchen? I was in there so often anyway I figured I should help out occasionally."
"Yes, well, that earns you the right to a boon."
"What's a boon?"
"A mercy granted by God to help you survive hell."
"Alright. So what do I get?"
"This." The demon snaps it's fingers and a beautiful, Smith & Wesson 9mm handgun materializes in the air. Your Smith & Wesson 9mm handgun. You take it. It feels right.
"What about bullets?"
"It doesn't need bullets. Alright Mr. Pussy, you have your punishment, may God have et cetera et cetera."

The floor opens up and you fall a great distance, so great, that you're able to take a short nap as you freefall. When you wake up your body is a mangled mess of broken limbs and shattered bones. After several excruciating minutes of bleeding out, your mind fades and you die--

--You are in a dark cubical room with a high ceiling, more than 50' high. Woah, didn't you just die? You look around the room for your dead body. You find no trace of it. Looking up you see the hole from which you came. Was that a dream? Didn't you just break every bone in your body?

Weird. Well, you still have your gun. You take aim and fire into the darkness. The bullet hits something -- a wall, and ricochets, making a whoosh as it cuts through the air. You grin as you holster the gun to your belt. For hell, this place lacks all the brimstone and fire you heard about.

>Give your gun a name
>Look around the room
>Sit and wait
>Write-in

>>461487

>Give your gun a name
"Twelve Inches"

>>461487
>Give your gun a name

Wilson

and look around the room

File: candleinthewind.jpg (2KB, 400x224px) Image search: [Google]

2KB, 400x224px

>>461557
You name your gun Wilson, after your favorite balls. You explore the room. The floor and walls are made of thick granite and marble. A thin coating of dust covers everything, faint light comes from a few candles lying on holders, nailed to the walls.

There are two exits out of the room, an iron portcullis which seems to be stuck and a marble archway which leads into another room. There is also a smaller room within this one; a fresco takes up all the walls of the smaller room, it difficult to see what it depicts because there are no candles in that room, but you can faintly make out a person.

>Search the room more thoroughly
>Try strong arming the portcullis
>Head through the archway
>Put a bullet through your own head
>Write-in

>>461604
>Search the room thoroughly.

>>461604
>Search the room more thoroughly

See if you can feel out the shapes in the fresco

File: Camwho.jpg (6KB, 215x234px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 215x234px

>>461619
>>461667
Searching the room you find a sconce that has fallen on to the floor. The wax of the candle has melted away into dust. You replace it with a candle from the wall.

You go back into the small room to examine the fresco. It's a weird-looking image. It depicts a half-naked man pushing a huge rock up a mountain. The mountain extends across all three walls and each wall shows the man at a different part of his ascent. The last wall, the one on the right, shows the rock at the bottom of the mountain and the man returning to it. Above the man, someone wrote, in what looks like their own blood, the words 'One must imagine him happy'.

Whatever the fuck that means.

As you turn to leave the freak show you hear high pitched cackle cutting through the darkness.

>Put out your candle and hide
>Pull out your gun and fire
>Wait and see what happens
>Write-in

>>461741
>>Pull out your gun and fire

>>461741
Ignore, head through the archway.

>>461741
Put gun to my own head, waiting for something to happen

File: hyenas.jpg (9KB, 275x183px) Image search: [Google]

9KB, 275x183px

>>461797
You ignore the sound and head for the archway. But the sound, you soon realize, is coming from the direction of the archway!

Two hyenas emerge from the other room cackling at the sight of you. Your hand moves immediately to Wilson and you whip him out and point him at the hyenas. The hyenas howl at you.

>Pop a cap
>Yell, insanely
>Put a bullet in your own brain
>Run as fast as you can
>Write-in

>>461830
>>Pop a cap

>>461830

>Pop a cap

>>461834
>>461837
Man, fuck hyenas. Fuck 'em. Are they dogs? Are they cats? Like, make up your fucking mind. You take aim and fire. Poppop. The bullets burst through the skull and ear of the first hyena dropping it instantly.
"Woah what the fuck man. Holy shit. Jerry? Jerry? Shit man, what the fuck man? You killed Jerry, man! What the fuck man? What the fuck?" Says the second hyena.
"You can talk?" You take a step back.
"Yes I can fucking talk. What the fuck? Oh shit. He's dead man. You killed my best friend, man. What the fuck man? Like, he was my best friend for life man, BFF and everything man. What the fuck?"
"Hyenas can't talk."
"What? Why'd you shoot him man?"
"No. No, this too weird." You take aim.
"Woah, stop man. What are you doing!" And fire. Poppop. The hyena rolls to the left but the bullet is too fast, one burrows into its side the other hits the right leg.
"What the FUCK man? What'd we do to you? FUCK man that hurts."
"Shut the fuck up. Hyenas don't talk."
"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck--" Two more in his head. Fuck hyenas. And fuck talking hyenas.

You holster Wilson.

>Pass through the archway
>Try the portcullis
>Write-in

>>461866
>>Pass through the archway

Holy Shit

>>461866
>Pass through the archway
>Inb4 animals go to hell

>>461866
>>Try the portcullis

File: Statue.jpg (354KB, 2448x3264px) Image search: [Google]

354KB, 2448x3264px

>>461878
>>461889
You step over the dead hyenas, being careful to avoid stepping in blood.

The archway leads to a room with a smaller ceiling, about 12' in height. The walls are made of stone as before, but the floor is polished wood. Further north, along the same wall as the archway, is a door of old and heavy looking wood.

In the center of the room a stone statue stands to ceiling height. It depicts a surly looking man who's holding a book. There is an inscription on the base of the statue but you can't read what it is because some faggot scratched random letters all over it.

>Examine the statue and its inscription more closely
>Try the heavy wooden door
>Head back through the archway
>Sit and chill out for a sec
>Write-in

>>461988
>>Examine the statue and its inscription more closel

>>461988
>>Examine the statue and its inscription closer

>>462059
>>462108
You spend some time examining the statue. You don't recognize the figure it depicts, probably some greek guy, he's wearing that laurel thing. As for the inscription, as you noted before, it's impossible to read but you can at least make out the random letters that have been etched on top of it.

C D Ef F G

G G G Ef
1 1 1 2


Weird as fuck. Meanwhile you hear a strange scratching noise coming from the other side of the door.

>Attempt to open the heavy door
>Shoot first, open doors later
>Ignore it
>Head back through the archway to the other room
>Write-in

>>462778
>Attempt to open the heavy door
Keep gun ready tho.

File: Spider.jpg (60KB, 640x360px) Image search: [Google]

60KB, 640x360px

>>462787
You keep your hand on Wilson as you open the door. It swings open easily. A man size spider bursts from the other side and pins you to the ground. You curse and whip out Wilson, but he is knocked away from your hand by the impact of the fall. The creature's fangs are dripping with saliva, some of it falls on your face.

>Try to roll away toward Wilson
>Just let this happen
>Punch the fucking spider in the eye
>Write-in

File: image.jpg (71KB, 554x390px) Image search: [Google]

71KB, 554x390px

>>462812
>>Punch the fucking spider in the eye

>>462812
'I like your eyes. Wanna get some lunch together some time?"

>>462832
Multiple eyes pun totally intended

>>462830
It has a lot of eyes. Not sure if that's going to turn out all so well.

>>462830
>>462832
It's the eye of the spider. It's the thrill of the fight. Risin' up to beat shit out of a spiiiider.

You lodge your fist into one of the spider's many eyes. It pops open like a water balloon and spills translucent eye gunk all over you. The pain of the blow staggers the beast. You roll on to your back and flip to your feet. The creature spits something corrosive from its mouth. You jump out of the way and the spit burns through the wooden floor.
"You don't fucking talk do you?" No response. "Good." You make a dive for Wilson. The spider shoots a web from its hindquarters, entangling your legs. You fall face first onto the ground. Wilson is just centimeters away from your fingers. The spider skitters over to your body. You shimmy forward! You grab Wilson! The spider flips you over with its legs! You plant 2 bullets into its head, destroying another eye. The other bullet bounces harmlessly off its thick fur. It lets out a high pitched whine and skitters back the way it came.

You brush away the web, stand, and brush off the saliva and eye-gunk from your clothes. You holster Wilson.
"See you later four-eyes! Bet you didn't SEE that coming!" But the spider is long gone and you feel only a crippling emptiness as your witty jibes echo unheard.

>Follow the spider and kill it for embarrassing you
>Go back through the archway
>Chill out for a sec
>Write-in

>>462841
Aw.
>Chill out for a sec
No need to follow it to its hive of babies, geez

>>462841
>go back and skin those hyenas for loot.

>>462841
>>Chill out for a sec

Chill man

>>462852
>>462862
>>462873
Normally you would do a quick hit in times like these. Really take the edge off of dealing with talking hyenas and spiders and shit. Alas that life is quite literally gone. You slump your shoulders and walk over to the statue.

You sit and lean back on the statue to catch your breath. Stamina restored How did it all come to this?

I mean yeah, you distributed a schedule 2 controlled substance, murdered some people, blackmailed some people, cut off people's testicles, but since when was that grounds for eternal damnation? You're gonna have a strong talk with Jesus or whoever's in charge after all this. A strong talk.

In the meantime, what the hell kind of hell is this? It's more like a maze or a castle or some shit. Where's all the fire and the lakes of lava and shit? And how long are you supposed to be down here? And what the hell are you supposed to do? Well, whatever. Fuck, you could really go for a hit right now. You stand and brush dust off of the seat of your pants. Dried saliva and eye-gunk has formed a crust over your clothes. Sigh. Fucking hell.

>Head through the wooden door
>Head back through the archway
>Write-in

>>462942
>>Head back through the archway

>>462942
>>Head back through the archway

>>462942
>Head back through the archway

File: Wall.jpg (22KB, 275x183px) Image search: [Google]

22KB, 275x183px

>>463032
>>463187
>>463900
Through the archway and back to the first room. Things are as you left them, except the talking hyenas have disappeared. This place is fucking weird.

Searching the large room you find a hidden door, painted in such a way so that the creases of the opening and the hinges are melted into the color of the granite.

>Go through the hidden door
>Go back to the room with the statue
>Write-in

>>465739
>>Go through the hidden door

>>465739
>Go through the hidden door