Bloodbath Funnel Quest

>0-level Occupation: Elven sage
Strength: 7 (-1)
Agility: 9 (0)
Stamina: 9 (0)
Personality: 14 (+1)
Intelligence: 9 (0)
Luck: 6 (-1)

AC: 10; HP: 1; Weapon: Dagger -1 (1d4-2)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: 0; Will: 1

Equipment: Rations (1 day) (5 cp)
Trade good: Parchment and quill pen
Starting Funds: 32 cp
Lucky sign: Born on the battlefield (Damage rolls) (-1)
Languages: Common, Elven
Racial Traits: Elven traits: Heightened senses, iron vulnerability

>0-level Occupation: Wainwright
Strength: 8 (-1)
Agility: 10 (0)
Stamina: 11 (0)
Personality: 9 (0)
Intelligence: 7 (-1)
Luck: 9 (0)

AC: 10; HP: 4; Weapon: Club -1 (1d4-1)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Candle (1 cp)
Trade good: Cart: straw
Starting Funds: 33 cp
Lucky sign: Birdsong (Number of languages) (0)
Languages: Common

>0-level Occupation: Jester
Strength: 7 (-1)
Agility: 14 (+1)
Stamina: 10 (0)
Personality: 9 (0)
Intelligence: 9 (0)
Luck: 14 (+1)

AC: 11; HP: 1; Weapon: Dart +2 (1d4-1)
Speed: 30; Init: 1; Ref: 1; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Chalk - 1 piece (1 cp)
Trade good: Silk clothes
Starting Funds: 35 cp
Lucky sign: Harsh winter (All attack rolls) (1)
Languages: Common

>0-level Occupation: Weaver
Strength: 13 (+1)
Agility: 7 (-1)
Stamina: 11 (0)
Personality: 10 (0)
Intelligence: 6 (-1)
Luck: 10 (0)

AC: 9; HP: 2; Weapon: Dagger +1 (1d4+1)
Speed: 30; Init: -1; Ref: -1; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Crowbar (2 gp)
Trade good: Fine suit of clothes
Starting Funds: 38 cp
Lucky sign: Lucky sign (Saving throws) (0)
Languages: Common

>0-level Occupation: Elven falconer
Strength: 9 (0)
Agility: 10 (0)
Stamina: 11 (0)
Personality: 9 (0)
Intelligence: 11 (0)
Luck: 12 (0)

AC: 10; HP: 1; Weapon: Dagger +0 (1d4)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Flask - empty (3 cp)
Trade good: Falcon
Starting Funds: 29 cp
Lucky sign: The Broken Star (Fumbles) (0)
Languages: Common, Elven
Racial Traits: Elven traits: Heightened senses, iron vulnerability

>0-level Occupation: Halfling mariner
Strength: 16 (+2)
Agility: 12 (0)
Stamina: 8 (-1)
Personality: 6 (-1)
Intelligence: 11 (0)
Luck: 4 (-2)

AC: 10; HP: 2; Weapon: Knife (as dagger) +2 (1d4+2)
Speed: 20; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: -1; Will: -1

Equipment: Mirror - hand-sized (10 gp)
Trade good: Sailcloth (2 yards)
Starting Funds: 23 cp
Lucky sign: Righteous heart (Turn unholy checks) (-2)
Languages: Common, Halfling
Racial Traits: Halfling ability: Infravision

>0-level Occupation: Barber
Strength: 9 (0)
Agility: 11 (0)
Stamina: 11 (0)
Personality: 13 (+1)
Intelligence: 11 (0)
Luck: 6 (-1)

AC: 10; HP: 1; Weapon: Razor (as dagger) +0 (1d4)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: 0; Will: 1

Equipment: Chalk - 1 piece (1 cp)
Trade good: Scissors
Starting Funds: 18 cp
Lucky sign: Bountiful harvest (Hit points, applies each level) (-1)
Languages: Common

>0-level Occupation: Halfling glovemaker
Strength: 10 (0)
Agility: 14 (+1)
Stamina: 11 (0)
Personality: 12 (0)
Intelligence: 13 (+1)
Luck: 7 (-1)

AC: 11; HP: 2; Weapon: Awl (as dagger) +0 (1d4)
Speed: 20; Init: 1; Ref: 1; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Iron spike (1 sp)
Trade good: Gloves (4 pairs)
Starting Funds: 41 cp
Lucky sign: Seventh son (Spell checks) (-1)
Languages: Common, Halfling, choose 1 more
Racial Traits: Halfling ability: Infravision

>0-level Occupation: Parsnip Farmer
Strength: 9 (0)
Agility: 12 (0)
Stamina: 5 (-2)
Personality: 17 (+2)
Intelligence: 6 (-1)
Luck: 6 (-1)

AC: 10; HP: 1; Weapon: Pitchfork (as spear) +0 (1d8)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: -1; Fort: -2; Will: 2

Equipment: Thieves' tools (25 gp)
Trade good: Mule
Starting Funds: 27 cp
Lucky sign: Struck by lightning (Reflex saving throws) (-1)
Languages: Common

>0-level Occupation: Miller-baker
Strength: 12 (0)
Agility: 11 (0)
Stamina: 7 (-1)
Personality: 14 (+1)
Intelligence: 9 (0)
Luck: 12 (0)

AC: 10; HP: 2; Weapon: Club +0 (1d4)
Speed: 30; Init: 0; Ref: 0; Fort: -1; Will: 1

Equipment: Waterskin (5 sp)
Trade good: Flour (1 lb.)
Starting Funds: 17 cp
Lucky sign: Harsh winter (All attack rolls) (0)
Languages: Common

>>421263
Percy the Peasant, a rather generic peasant.

- Or so he wishes his party members to think. In fact, he is Percy the Unpleasant, a famous treasure hunter on the trail of... well... treasure. That's what treasure hunters do.

>>421284
Please pick one of the characters from the list above (he can still be what you described, but I need to know all of the crunchy number bits as well)

I'll just roll for a statblock and use "Pickled parsnip packer" as Percy's cover occupation.

Rolled 2 (1d10)

>>421284
>>421318

>>421318
>>421333
Cool. Now we wait for other 7 slots to be filled and we can begin (and if not, then this quest was a huge flop)

>>421342
Jester.

>>421273
Tiffany jr. The barber.
Named after his own father and was to follow in his footsteps. Has pride in his name and is quick to anger if it is not respected

>>421362
6 more to go. Welcome aboard!

>>421381
I think you'll be lucky to get eight people on /qst/. I myself might be heading to bed soon.

>>421406
Yeah so it seems. We might be better off with just having eight people and then letting anons vote on actions for everyone. Would you guys >>421377
>>421362
go for that?

>>421413
Whatever everyone feels is best.

>>421413
Sure. I'd have no problem with that.

Fuck it. Let's try something a little different.

>As Gregor Salsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed into a drunk peasant.

"W-what the hell? Where am I? What is this?" >said Gregor. Then he got up from the ditch he was lying in and tried to brush himself of filth. All he managed to accomplish was to put more filth on the rags which barely covered his modesty. He had no idea what was going on, or what was about to happen.

"Hey! Who's talking? What's going on? Where am I?"
>For you see, Gregor, by a strange twist of fate, had been transported into one of the tabletop games of chance and imagination he so enjoyed.

"Wait what? WHAT? What does that mean? How did I get here?"
>Lucky for Gregor, he wasn't alone. He had the denizens of an alternate plane to assist him in his survival. And he was going to need all the help he could get because, as well he knew, the world of tabletop gaming is a harsh and brutal one.

"Oh god. Oh shit, please, whoever's talking, please help me. I don't know what's happening. Shit. Shit. This is a dream. This has to be a dream."
>said Gregor. But it was no dream. He really had been transported into a world which existed only the imagination. For him, life and death in this world was very real.

"Oh goddd. Let me out of here! Wake up! Wake up!"
>Gregor slapped himself. But it was no use. He could not wake up.

Guide Gregor by using greentext (which he can hear). Here is Gregor's character sheet:

Gregor Salsa
0-level Occupation: High School Student
Strength: 8 (-1)
Agility: 14 (+1)
Stamina: 8 (-1)
Personality: 12 (0)
Intelligence: 13 (+1)
Luck: 14 (+1)

AC: 11; HP: 2; Weapon: Club (Baseball bat) +1 (1d4)
Speed: 30; Init: 1; Ref: 1; Fort: 0; Will: 0

Equipment: Thick-rimmed Glasses (30cp)
Trade good: Ball-point pen (???cp)
Starting Funds: 35 cp
Lucky sign: The Broken Star (Fumbles) (1)
Languages: Common

>>422254
>Calm down and take note of your surroundings, your person, and what you were last doing.

>>423025
"Easy for you to fucking say! Oh goddd, I gonna fucking diiiiie. Hoooo. Hooooo."
>Gregor wept like a little pussy faggot.
"And you shut up! You haven't said one useful thing you asshole. Oh shit. I'm officially crazy. I'm taking to voices in my head and I'm having hallucinations."
>But Gregor was not crazy, he was simply out of place.
"Out-of-place this, bitch"
>And Gregor did a double finger salute at the dark sky -- to no avail of course.
"Yeah fuck you too."
>Gregor at last calmed down and surveyed his surroundings and person. He was wearing filthy rags soaked in sewage, spit and rank with the smell of alcohol -- though he did not feel drunk. It was night time, impenetrable dark because the only light were occasional moving points of torchlight and candleflame and the light of the stars which -- while brilliant, and numerous was too far away to be of any help. No streetlights. A crescent moon. Dirt roads, a forest to the west, rolling hills he could barely make out...he had definitely, unequivocally, left modern civilization. Looking around he found a baseball bat in the gutter and promptly armed himself. His trousers pockets held some coins, a pair of glasses (his own), and a ball point pen. He put his glasses own and vision corrected itself.
"Oi, Greg, watcha doin' here for den?"
>A thin young man with a face too long for his body walked briskly toward Greg. Greg fumbled for his bat and wielded it menacingly.
"Gettin' drunk again eh? Well listen, some of the de fellers are goin' to the ol' cube on the hill, PERcy says he's goin' in and a lot of the others are goin' in wit 'im."
"What cube?"
"What cube? What cube? Oi, you did hit the grog hard. The cube that opens up durin' the Festival of the Fatted Calf, the cube that no one has ever come out of?The one they say is filled with treasures beyond reckoning? THAT cube."
"O-oh. Right. That cube."
"Yeah. So you, comin' or what?"
(Shit. Whoever's out there, what should I do? Going with him might give me some more answers about this place. If it's really a tabletop a game, it should follow a set of rules and have a gamemaster (maybe)...and it should also be incredibly fucking dangerous. Shit. I don't even know what my stats are. Do I even have stats? Shit.)

>>423414
>Play-off like your drunk and that you don't know who he is, where you are, and what's going on. Try to get info on who you are in this world as well as info about this world.

>>423484
(Hmm, not bad a idea. I don't feel drunk though... but it looks like I have a reputation for it anyway so let's give it a shot.)
"Eh...and who are you?"
"...you have been hitting it hard. I'm Tiffany? The barber? We're in the village of Rhode, yes? It's the festival of the Fatted Calf today, and you got veeery drunk and started fightin' in the tavern so you go thrown out. Do you remember that? Greg?"
>Gregor remembered none of that. The last thing he remembered was cramming for his chemistry exam before falling asleep.
"Uh...yeah, it's coming back...sorry."
"(shrugs) So you comin' or what?"
(What should I do? Should I go with him? Shit, I don't even know what game we're playing.)

>>423512
>"Er...coming where?"

>>423539
(Going to the cube thing he was talking about, obviously!)

>>423561
Oh, that was me being stupid.

>"Let's see this cube, then."

>>423568
(Hmm. Good call, we might be able to figure exactly what game we're in. Likely this "cube" is actually a dungeon of some kind.)
>Gregor felt his gonads tighten from fear.
"It's from the cold asshole! And my gonads are fine!"
"Uh...ok, Greg." Says Tiffany.
>Gregor cleared his throat and pretended to play it off as part of his drunken stupor. Then he followed Tifanny along a dirt road and over a sharp hill to a strange looking cube partially submerged into the hill.

>A small crowd had gathered by the cube, and Gregor could hear their clamor as he approached. Vines and moss had completely covered the surface of the cube, almost eliminating its sharp corners. The crowd that had gathered were a sorry looking bunch of half-inebriated peasants.

"Y'alls stay 'way from that cube! Stay 'way, now" Says a wizened old Elf.
"Oh shut up you old bag. Ain't nothing dangerous bout this old hunk o' metal." Says a short, burly looking man with big hands.
"Oh? Oh? Perhaps you young'ns have never heard about Mytus the Mad? Hmm? Hmmmm? No?"
"Whatcha talkin' bout old-timer?" Says another man, fatter than the rest combined.
"Mytus the Mad. He's the one that done built this cube. Craaaaazy fellow. Wizard. Nasty folk all of 'em, but Mytus was nastier than all of 'em. Nothin' but traps and monsters and who knows what in there."
"This old hag don't know nothin'" Says the short, burly fellow.
"Oh shut up Percy, she knows more'n you!" Says the fat one.
>Gregor thought that, that name, 'Mytus the Mad' sounded familiar. Alas, he didn't have access to the vast network of information, called the internet, that he once did. His memory was failing him.
(Shut up! I'm trying to think...damn that name does sound really familiar. Was it from an old adventure module? But what game? What module?)
>Whlie Gregor mused, a halfling who went by the name, Frito, began clearing away the moss from the cube.
(Wait what? Oh shit.)
"What are you --"
>Gregor began to say, but he was cut short by a sharp click, the sound of metal receding into metal, followed by a bright flash. He found himself "...in a long tunnel, 20’ high and 20’ across. The walls, ceiling, and floor had a somewhat yielding surface, and were translucent. Beyond these walls, he could dimly see distant galaxies, stars, and glowing nebulae of light. Colorful mists provided a soft light but reduced vision to about 60 feet. Filaments buried in the walls, like nerves or veins, were lit occasionally by swiftly traveling impulses of polychromatic light."

>7 others from the crowd were with him. Tiffany, the Barber. Cooze the Elf Sage. Frito the Halfling. Gordo the Baker (the fat one). Percy the Parsnip Farmer (the short burly one) and two others Gregor did not yet know: a stout young lady by the name of Pippy and a bald, middle aged man by the name of Fallus.

(Oh Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit...)
>Gregor felt his gonads shrink even more.
(FUCK YOU. Help me whoever's out there. Please!)

>>423869
> Calm down, look around, and try to calm the others if they seemed panicked

>>423891
(Ok. Calm down. Calm down. The others look a little spooked but seem calm enough. Most of them are marveling at the view outside.)
"What the hell did you do you little shit?" Said Percy.
>Gregor watched as Percy cornered the little halfling, Frito and pinned him to the wall.
"Leave him alone Percy!" Said Gordo.
"Yeah Percy! Leave him alone." Said Pippy.
>Percy let go of the halfling and scoffed. And Gregor thought that Percy was asshole number two.
(Asshole number one is you, you fucking dick. Shit. Ok. So we're a bunch of peasants stuck in some sort of...space tunnel thing. And it was built a by a wizard named Mytus the Mad....shit I can't remember anything! Wait! You guys, the people in my head...can you...can you somehow gather info about this? Shit. What am I even doing...I'm fucking crazy. I've finally cracked. Maybe I'm in a coma or something and this is all just a coma-induced nightmare.)

>>423934
>Watch out for, you know, walls that close in, floors that slide back to reveal spiked pits, big cubes of acidic jelly... skeletons with rusty swords... you know how this stuff works, right?

>>424335
(Of course I fucking know! But that doesn't help me in this particular situation does it? How in the fuck am I suppose to just "watch out" for them? I don't know anything about this dungeon or cube or whatever the fuck this thing is. FUCK. I was hoping you voices would know who this Mytus the Mad guy was or something, anything, useful about this place, but clearly that was just wishful thinking.)
"How're we supposed to get out now?" Said Fallus.
"Maybe there's somethin' at the end of this hallway?" Said Tiffany.
"Your all gonna get killed! You never should have bothered with this cube...ohh I'm gettin' too old for this."
"Shut up hag!"
"Hey don't tell her to shut up. You're the one that brought everyone here PERcy. You shut up." Said Gordo
"What'd you say fatty?"
(Alright fuck these faggots. It's time to take charge, if this really is a tabletop game we're gonna die if we don't work together.)
"Alright listen up everyone! Listen up! Look...I don't know what's really going on here, but we have to stick together and try to get out of here in one piece."
"Who died and put you in charge Greg?" Said Percy.
(I really fucking hate this guy.)
"No one. But look, it's just common sense. Like Cooze said, this place probably has traps and monsters, so we're gonna have to work together to get out."
"He has a point there Percy" Said Pippin.
>Gregor thought Pippin looked kind of cute, but his balls were too far up his body from fear to respond.
(FUCK OFF.)
>The party begrudgingly rallied behind Gregor's sensible words. Even Percy, though he was clearly looking for every opportunity to rebel

"Alright...so..." (Shit. Which do I go? Forward or Back?)

>>424573
>"Forward."

>>424618
>After walking for several minutes Gregor came upon two circular, metal doors, one each side of the hallway, east and west. The doors had stylized mouths on them -- open mouths -- and in the center of each mouth was a hole, about the size of a manhole cover.
(Fuck. What the fuck is thing?)
>There was not discernible way to open the door, no doorknob, lock or handle.
(Gee thanks. I can fucking see that.)
"Ok nobody touch the doors." Said Gregor.
"Fuck that" Said Percy and he immediately went toward the eastern door's mouth.
(Should I just let this fucker die? Or do something about him?)

>>424674
>On his own head be it.

>>424784
(Yeah. You know what? Fuck this asshole. Let's just wait and see. Hopefully his arm get's chopped off or something)
>Gregor watched as Percy examined the mouth hole and then promptly shoved his hand into it. Nothing happened at first, then Percy began to scream. He tugged at his hand but it wouldn't come out. The other's went to grab him to try and pull him out but it was no use. Gregor watched as Percy's arm bled out and the blood receded into the mouth of the door.
"Stay back! Don't touch him!" Said Gregor. (Holy shit guys, holy shit. I don't wanna die like that guys. Please, please, just help me. Don't let me die like that.)
>At last the mouth released Percy's hand. It was soaked in blood and had innumerable, evenly spaced, pin-prick-sized holes. The doors were still closed. The others were definitely spooked now. They looked to Gregor with a mix of anger and fear.

(Guys. Please help. What the fuck do I do?)

>>424865
>Why don't you try knocking on the western door? If you're lucky, some hideous dungeon beast will come and open the door for you. It might even put the kettle on.

>>424674
>Stop him. The doors require specific method to open them. If someone enters a door, everyone will enter the new room against their will.

>>424916
(A little too late for that. The guy is fucking dead. But wait...how do you know that everyone will enter the room against their will? Do you know about this place? What do we have to do to get out?)

>>424895
(I was about to do this, but then from the other comment, now I'm not so sure.)

>>425005
>Your right, it's a d&d module. Those doors require 3 hit points worth of blood. Toss the body back on the door

>>425209
>Worth a try. Guess he can be useful for something.

>>425209
(Woah! Ok. Ok. So the game is D&D? And you know the module too? Alright. That's a start. And we need 3 hp worth of blood. Well that guy is dead, so he probably has no more hit points. Wait a minute, do you have the module in front of you? Is there a way to avoid killing people? Do you know how many hit points each of us have?)
"Oh my god he's dead! He's dead!" Said Pippy.
"Alright. Everybody-everybody just calm down. We're gonna get out of this alive. Just calm down people." Said Gregor.

(Ok, what's next guys? Percy is dead, so we're probably not gonna get any more hit points from him. What should I do? Do I have enough hit points to put my arm in? Should I?)