Steal The Cookie

Rolled 23 (1d100)

I find and crack open the safe and get the cookie.

>>183943
>unopenable

>>183956
Then how he get the cookie there? Huh?

Either the safe can be opened or the cookie is a lie and now I have the cookie.

>>183866
I teleport the cookie out of the safe

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I lick the cookie so it's gross and nobody wants it

>>183990
I destroy the cookie and make a new one. I throw the next one into a black hole.

>>184008
Old cookie is destroyed, I bake a new one and hide it in the potatoes.

>>184011
I eat all the potatoes in the world till I find the cookie

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I put it in a tiny bed to go to sleep so it would be extremely rude of you people to take the cookie now.

>>184498
Lure the cookie to the van and hold hands with it
It is now defended by a Polynesian man with a sandal. Your move.

>>184511
>with promises of more chocolate
I really should proofread my sentences

>>184511
I beat the Polynesian man to death with a spoon, and found a new moon sized death fortress "Fort Cookie" to defend the cookie.

>>184579

I use twenty good men and infiltrate Fort Cookie.

I then hold the cookie at Winterfell with my people.

>>184609
My country bombs the shit out of your cookie fort.

High military operatives now have the remains of the cookie

>>184609
I kill you and marry some random person I claim is your daughter and heir, inheriting your cookie.

I hide my cookie in volume 23 out of the 40 volume "great accountants of history" set.

>>184656
An obviously bored librarian found the cookie while reading. I bullied her into giving it to me.

The cookie is in my mouth.

>>184670
I kill the human and take the cookie
The cookie will be safe among my kobold tribe.

>>184692
Lvl 10 adventurers kill the kobalds.

A level 10 paladin has the cookie

>>184706
I bribe the gm to make the paladin fall.

The cookie was offered to demons in payment for blackguard levels. A balrog is currently dipping it in milk.

>>184720
Spill the milk, traumatising the balrog leaving you time to take the cookie.

I place the cookie in the Great Wall of China.

>>184771
I become mongolian, and steal cookie.
I put the cookie in my underwear drawer.

>>184822

I sniff your underwear and find it hidden.

I surgically place cookie next to my heart in a way where I don't die.

>>184822
Check the underwear drawer. How scandalous~
Place the cookie inside a church.

>>184825
Kill this human, build temple to the trap gods and place the cookie under their divine care.

>>184834
gods don't exist, steal cookie in temple tomb raider style

>>184841
give up the cookie to next anon because it's time to sleep

>>184851
Take cookie and curse the old gods, found the greatest Kobold city in history for the sake of this cookie as per Tucker's kobolds.

>>184869
burn down the city, build the empire state building in its place with mercenaries on every floor and the only way to the top is stairs. Oh, and it's on a different floor every day.

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>>184869
Bribe Kobold with class levels and a pair of human pants.

Stash cookie in a box of shitty last-years knockoff halloween candy.

>>184951
Swallow all of the candy entirely to keep the cookie safe inside my stomach.

>>184963
You cannot swallow the candy it is nasty just look at it oh my god.

>>184974
I am the goat man, I can eat all things.

The cookie has gone through my digestive system and is now in a big pile of shit.

>>184994

I arrive with /k/ and get rid of goat man with glorious nuggets and ARs.

Store it in a /k/ stronghold.

>>185021
Murder stabs. And then I ready myself to stab anyone who does so much as look at the cookie.

>>185101
I willingly take the blade in my torso, grab the arm holding the knife with one hand and grab the cookie with the other, and stick it in the wound. Now the cookie's all bloody and in my ribcage.

>>185188
Did you learn nothing from the humans before you? I kill yet another lone guardian of the cookie and store it on Fort Cookie now fully populated by Tucker's kobolds

>>185195
Suck it human filth

>>185195
Tell the Kobolds some jokes, distracting them enough to steal the cookie in time. how Kobold of me.

Insert the cookie in Cookie Clicker, creating millions of trillions of cookies, making it unrecognisable.

>>185262
While you people were stealing the cookie from eachother, i inserted a tracking device into it and easily located it amongs the trillions of cookies.

>>185433
Then as i raised it in the air i yell "i did it" i send it to the 5th dimension so it exists in every frame of time ever.

>>185433
What you didn't know is that I put a emblem on the cookie, so I can find it easily.
I sued the cookie and now it is on trial. None of us can get it without disrupting the court, possibly getting us charged.

>>185439
I simply waltz in and take the damn cookie.

I hide behind my Filipino Bureaucracy™ to hassle anyone who plans on taking it. They'll have to walk through red tape so thick you CAN'T cut it with a knnife.

>>185475
I gather America to nuke the Filipinos and destroy the cookie. I create a new one and shoves it up batman with two weeks of prep time's ass. Checkmate.

>>185487
I tell Batman that my mother Martha would like the cookie and he hands it over no questions asked.

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I adopt the cookie and make it my child, now to take it would be considered kidnapping.

>>185505
Take the cookie anyway.
Throw it at Alpha Centauri.

>>185508
I go back in time and take the cookie just before you took, I put it in an anti-physics box and hire a Nazi zombie pirate to defend it

>>185542
The Nazi zombie pirate is obliterated by my death ray, and I teleport the cookie out of the box

I hide the cookie in a different plane of existence, only enter able via my portal, which has been destroyed.

>>185554
I hijack your plane with terrorists that are so stupid they didn't even realize none of that made sense. Anyways they stole the cookie and are threatening to behead it.

>>185566
does this nigga not know the difference between plane (vehicle) and plane (a dimension)

>>185797
Hijacking a dimension sounds awsome, let him have this one

>>185566
I use a machine who automaticaly take the cookie from my hand, i hide in a blackhole.

>>186819
Will you please stop obliterating the cookie from gravitational forces. I bake a new one and set it on near light speed orbit just out side of the event horizon 5

>>187421
I open a wormhole on the trajectory of the cookie with the other end being my face. The cookie enters my mouth at nearly the speed of light. Check mate.

I divide the cookie by zero.

>>187544
I store the cookie universe in my fanny pack, and share the infinite cookies with all the anons /thread

i take the infinite cookies for myself because im selfish, fooling every anon to submit by pretending to be a girl with a feminine penis.

>>187626
I slay this gender confused freak and return us to our infinite cookie communism.

>>187641 #
The cookies realize they outnumber us and rebel. They form a cookie dictatorship. The one true cookie is guarded deep within the infinite cookie universe by literally countless cookie guards. He is also within a field to prevent teleportation into his palace.

>>188081
I am blessed by god himself and annihilate the cookie army after a thousand years of fighting.

I throw the true cookie into the deepest darkest pits of hell.

>>188085
This imp finds the cookie and places it on a pedestal.

>>188116
I break the pedestal and takess the.

I hide on a volcano.

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>>188138
I take the cookie, "a volcano. What, exactly, is gonna stop me?" And give it to papa Nurgle for safe keeping.

>>189158
Take the cookie gracefully.
The cookie is now broken down into little crumbs. Now no one can have it.

>>189158
That, is the face made seconds before absconding with the cookie. (On a volcano I swear. )

>>189162
You've doomed us all with thousands of nasty plague crumbs. You fool!

>>189167
Where is your god now?
Bow before your king, ye peasants, and despair!

>>189178
I writhe in the glorious agony, I bake another cookie and guard it in the name of Slaanesh.

>>189180
Seconds later, I grow bored and eat the cookie.

>>189182
>>189180
Slaanesh is pleased regardless.

>>189182
Aiyaa, aru. You shall be hung for treason against the state. When? I cannot tell you.
We have made a golden cookie, and have asked the gods to bless it and keep it safe.

>>189184
I attempt to eat the golden cookie. When this fails (mostly because it tastes like pain) I steal it and hide it among ten thousand replicas on a demon world, with special magyks to hide it.

>>189203
We look among the cookies, examining each thoroughly, until we find it.
The cookie has been hidden, deep within Tiananmen Square. Do not look for it, unless you wish for this to escalate.

>>189207
Using some of those "special magyks" I telepork the cookie back to the demon world, and bury it among a herd of Khornate boars.

>>189210
We eat the boars, like a bunch of savages.
The cookie is now heavily guarded, and seems to be hidden in Beijing. Where, I wouldn't know. Last chance to stand down, lest you wish the king be furious.

>>189213
Teleport. Insert it analy in one of a billion daemonettes.

>>189213
My network of spies find the cookie with an organic matter scanner, vacuum wrap it and send it to me in the USA.

I put the cookie on a space shuttle, which has long departed and is now orbiting Jupiter.

>>189221
See>>189220

>>189220
Using my army of millions of disposable clones, we search the daemonettes until we find the one who carries the cookie.

It has now been buried 100km underground and the hole has been filled with magma.

>>189221
Nuke Jupiter.
The cookie, somehow managing to fall to earth, is now on the black market.

>>189228
What part of "teleport" do you not know how to defend against. This time it's going straight (possibly more homo) up Slaanesh's tertiary ass.

>>189234
Oh my. How lewd, Anon~
Recruit that Slaanesh whoever-that-is and ask her to perform Two Girls One Cup.
The cookie is now absolutely disgusting and is considered a national health hazard in China.

>>189238
Slaanesh is a chaos god and, sadly, would be up for that shit. Would probably be so kind as to then proceed to shove the cookie up his/her penis/vagina.

>>189244
The cookie is considered so rancid that it was time to stop. The nation declares golden cookies to be worthless, and now make normal, run-or-the-mill Russian cookies.
Hidden somewhere in Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, you will never be able to find it.

>>189247
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu is not that big a place. I find the cookie and, in keeping with the ways of my god, consume it without heed to the rules.

>>189251
>Consuming it
China has declared war on you. You have violated the precious OP treaty, which has been in effect since 1868.
A new cookie has been made, but has been heavily guarded to the point of ridiculousness.

>>189255
No amount of terracotta warriors and scary lion-dragon things on sticks can keep me from the cookie. I dodge the firecrackers and bundles of luck money and I simply take the cookie.

I use my skills as a chef to turn the cookie back into its constituent components--cookie dough and chocolate chips. I smear the cookie dough as a thin film over my fat hairy naked body and shove the chips one by one up my arse.

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>>189384
I lick it off and out of you. I spit it out, then heat it so much that the atoms undergo nuclear fission, breaking them into nothing but a pile of hydrogen. I release the hydrogen into the atmosphere, making it impossible to collect all the trillions of particles.

>>189538
I manage to get all the particles and rearrange the cookie into an unassuming pastry to throw off cookie thiefs.

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>>189595
Eventually, after ten thousand years, I find your cookie pastry and eat it in effort to hide it inside of me.

You wake up on day with a weird lump on your belly and are soon put under for emergency surgery. The cookie is removed safely and given to a swarm of fire ants who carry it deep inside their lair.

>>189898
I take the cookie from the ants nest and destroy the nest, I then smash the cookie to a pile of crumbs and blow them to the wind

>>190022
I go on a soul searching quest that lasts 80 years and find all the crumbs, I then give the crumbs to some monks who keep them hidden in a temple

>>190033
I journey the world for a decade, travelling and exploring on a grand soul search. I encounter the monastery and humbly ask the monks to accept me into their ranks.

I become a monk. After years and years of quiet meditation, chanting, and long walks through the cloudy mountains, I am allowed to see the crumbs in a ceremony.

I touch the crumbs and achieve enlightenment, taking both my physical body and the crumbs to the higher plane.

>>190038
Little do you know, your enlightenment was actually some naturally occurring LSD in the water.

While your tripping balls, I take the crumbs and dispose of them in the stream, disposing of them and scattering them beyond collection

>>190176
I eat every single fish and rock that has absorbed the cookie and absorb the cookies nutrients for myself to consume then proceed to eat my own shit that contains the compressed cookie

I break the cookie into 90000000 different parts and spread them across the world the only way to find them is through a miniature map in a bottle that I have shoved in a old man's ass that I have killed and buried. You must find the map before the tension of the earth breaks the bottle and disintegrates the map

>>190380
I go back in time and dam the stream so the cookie crumbs get trapped. I collect them all and put them together into... cookie mush. I use this mush to fertilize the ground and grow a cookie tree. On the last day of this tree's life, the true cookie will bloom and the chosen one may claim it.

>>191726
China says "Fuck waiting", cuts down the tree, and uses the stump to create fortune cookie.
The king has ordered all cookies be collected and put in Xinghai Square. It will take you a long time to find it, if you even DO.

>>191726
I murder the cookie and take the chosen one as my bride, fight me bro! The cookie is carried off to Valhalla, for he fought for the chosen one's honor well.

>>191812
The cookie has been retrieved by the Chinese gods and given back to us.
China is considering placing a ban on cookies so no one else can find it.

>>191819
I work with Russian operatives to topple the Chinese government and revoke the bans on cookies. The first decree of the new government is seizure of all cookies in the country.

The cookie is now amongst a billion other cookies in a government vault. The Russians are threatening to blow up the world with a nuke if even a single cookie goes missing.

>>191837
We find the cookie, bringing destruction to the world.
The only thing left is one cookie, lying in space.

>>192486
I come in a spaceship from a wormhole connected to an alternate universe, and grab the cookie with the ship's claws, bring it through the re-entry room, and get the cookie.

My multi-purpose utility ship goes back to the universe where Earth still exists, and I travel back to Earth, under the sea, and to the Marianas Trench.

>>193635
Destroy the trench. No cookie, no problem.
However, there is one more cookie, deep within the confines of 4chan... Look within the boards, my friend.

Cookies are objectively bad for your teeth

>>193752
LIES, FUCKING LIES

>>193715
I buy the cookie from you
How much do you want?

>>194074
Five Fat Boys and a couple hundred slaves.
...The One Child Policy isn't going well.

>>194093
Done
Now the cookie is mine, and no one can take it from me, it would be stealing, and thats not polite

>>194150
Yeah, we can't steal it... But we CAN nuke it. No one can have a cookie.
China engineers a special one-of-a-kind cookie to be displayed at Hong Kong. It is surrounded by the slaves.

>>194150
I steal the cookie. I also flip off a grandma, and let my dog poop on someone elses lawn.

I dont giva foooooooooook.

I eat the cookie.

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>>194261
China, absolutely furious with your shenanigans, decides to skip the foreplay and move onto the good stuff. That being the Fat Boy.
The Cookies have been relocated to North Korea, and anyone who finds it will be executed.

>>194272
I bake twelve objectively better in every way cookies.
I place these on a plate for the next poster to decide which is the real cookie, earning myself 11 equally good cookies.

>>195018
I get all of them and merge them in one which i teleport in a box that cannot be opened cracked etc and things and people can go inside but once in they can't leave

>>195463

I do some time travelling to go back to the time before the cookie was placed in the box. I snatched it out of your hands, and leave in my time machine before you can touch me.

I eat the cookie. It is now pulverized food pulp that is sitting in my stomach, and being dissolved with stomach acid.

>>195690

I rip out a bit of cookie in your stomach and restore it using magic

I take a cookie and hide it within a maximum security prison that can't be broken into, inside a star, near the center of the universe. Guarded by Khorne, Ares, Odin, and Cthulhu

>>195793
I get together Doomguy, Thor, Zeus and Jesus to break in and get the cookie

I put the cookie in between the cushions of the living room couch

Jesus goes to make a poptart but doesn't take it out of the foil and puts it in the microwave like an idiot. The house catches fire and the couch melts with it, the cookie lost in the endless flames.

>>197841
I grab the cookie from the cushions, dust it off then proceed to eat it

Make an infinite poisonous clones of the cookie and hide the real one among the clones

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>>183983
>the cookie is a lie

>>198656
I have a PhD in cookie science, I use precise and intricate cookie detection and snatch the real cookie, without triggering your poisonous clones.

I surround and inject the cookie with pure cancer. Merely touching the cookie will give you hard core leukaemia causing instant death

>>199980
>>199980
I blast the cookie with lasers in such away that I lower its temperature to near absolute zero, slowing down any Chemical or physical reactions. I then place a spell on the cookie causing it to warp a spacial distance between any consciousness by at least 5 meters

>>204286
i use my 6 and a half meter robot hand to snatch the cookie. i hide the cookie inside one of the fat flabs on a feminist.

>>205574
I wear a glove and dig for the cookie, pulling it from the flabs.
A sweaty neck beard guards the cookie day and night, you must get by his Dorito stained fingers as his mountain dew fueled obese body defends the cookie with his mighty katana.

>>207194
I pelt the neckbeard with gas bombs made with spray-can deodorant

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The cookie now resides in my sub-conscious.