Bullshit Quest: Wrath of the Ass Edition

>>1635586
>Pull some strings.

>>1635586

>>1636660
Oh hi blacker baron! Imma just watch from the shadows and learn of your legacy

>>1635586
Question my existence?

>>1635586
Let the Chaos commence

>>1635586
a

When do we get to find some young kids to fuck?

>>1636660
Blacker Baron stirs awake from a quiet tapping, only to find leaking water from the ceiling. Guess that's what he got for picking a motel room for the night. Upon his shoulders lie two women, fairly young and probably not eighteen, but according to an empty bottle of whiskey, they all probably couldn't give a shit at the time.

>>1636669
Saturn wakes up in a small, quaint bedroom, fit with curtains and silky blue curtains, allowing the sun to flow through. His mother speaks up from downstairs.
>"Hurry up, Saturn! You're going to be late for the festival!"

>>1636715
Little Jew opens his eyes to find a flap of cardboard, covering just enough of a musty alleyway to realize where he was and always was for a good few months now. Could be worse, you suppose, complimenting a sincere lack of mugging.

>>1637137
Az rises on the couch of a modern studio apartment, fit with dark oak hardwood and marble countertops. It was a pretty penny, sure, but a hell of a crash pad.

>>1637168
Jack Frost springs from a particular nightmare with hazy details. Looking around, he finds himself in a wooden shack, fit with bedding, a table, some shelves, and a slate fireplace. It wasn't much, sure, but it was home.

>>1637426
Look on the shelves for anything useful.

>>1637426
Go to my fridge and use my mad cooking skills to get some eggs and bacon ready.
Also put on some pants so I'm not just in my underwear

>>1637442
Jack finds that the shelves are devoid of anything worth shit, save for a small amount of pocket change. A calendar shows that today has an "X" on it-- the Festival of Light. Despite it's over-saturated clicheness, you feel like a prick if you don't at least stop in. Grab a funnel cake or something.
>Cash: 25cp

>>1637463
Az puts on clothes and checks the fridge-- ahh, you fucking knob, you forgot to pile up on eggs and now you only have one left in the carton. Literally nobody eats a single egg. Looks like you're going shopping, fucktard.
>Cash: 25cp

>>Andrew
Andrew gets up and bows to Glom, giving another giggle and kissing him on the forehead. He goes inside to find a fresh, still-warm platter of waffles, fit with syrup and other various toppings. Next to the spread is a small bag with a heart on it, containing some copper pieces for the day.
>Cash: 25cp

>>1637572
Go to this hamfisted festival.

>>1637572
>"Damn. Welp, time for a store run."

Put on some clothes fit for jogging, grab the money, and take a quick run to the store.
May not have eaten but a jog is good to stay fit.

Maybe hum on the way and wave to any people I pass by

>>1637426
Get dressed and head outside.

>>1637585
Jack goes to the center of town, an open high class plaza with hotels and fairly tall buildings surrounding the cheering people. Just outside of Haven lies a lush green forest, glowing like a small sun extremely deep inside. Mayor Creativename began his speech once the crowd settled down in hype.
>"Hello, randomly generated faceless citizens that are incredibly important to the story! I am pleased to welcome the sixth centennial Festival of Light, where all of the continent shares hope together to feed our great catalyst-- the Crystal of Haven."
The crowd begins to cheer again in proper .mp3 format. You can almost feel how much I hate writing opening scenes.

>>1637588
Az gets into his good ol sweatsuit and pulls a Rocky over to the store, but it seems to be closed for the festivities today. Good job, nigwipe.

>>1638049
Blacker Baron avoids waking up the loli fuel, slaps on whatever's clean and heads out, finding that the roads are packed with fucklords trying to head downtown or to their offices. Seems like there's an event.

>>Andrew
Andrew heads outside, embracing Glom while she's tending to the yard.
>"Aww, anytim-nngh harder~"
An awkward silence passes for about ten seconds.
>"...Y-you didn't hear anything."

>>1638662
>"Oh great. More running while hungry."
Jog over to the festival and hope they sell food there

>>1638662
Head to whatever event they're going to.

>>1638662
Just find a place that sells shitty pizza or something.

>>1638667
Azkeroth finds a wide variety of concessions like corn dogs, funnel cakes, deep fried everything, and every shitty mass-produced t-shirt and hat under the sun.

>>1638668
Blacker Baron walks slowly down the sidewalks to eventually end up just downtown as piles of people crowd in bars, streets, and rooftops alike.

>>1638776
Jack finds a spicy pizzeria with a boneless special. He finds that the people, as they rejoice and knock mugs of cheap ale together, that a light blue mist is travelling from every person in the city deep into the forest, where they say the Crystal lies. This must be how all the positive energy is fueling the magic inside it?

>>Andrew
Andrew teases his wife a bit more before doing the good ol' dine-n-dick.

>>1639624
Buy some soda and deep fried pizza.
Barring that normal pizza and soda works.
After buying that walk around and eat while looking for anywhere that seels weapons like swords

>>1639624
Buy a boneless pizza with, uuuuuhhhh, a two liter of coke.

Okay yea this is cool but idk how to work this so I'm just gonna say good job boyo!

>>1639642
Az decides to get some food, but a loud bang interrupts him.

>>1639666
Jack stares with a demonic look in his eyes as he smashes his money into a boneless pizza-- with the help of a vibration, it falls right back into his pocket.

>>Andrew
Andrew runs down to the gas station, just in time to watch a giant flaming sphere blow it the fuck up.

As the mist dissipates, screams are heard as rooftops begin to run away from the dark cloud of smoke in the distance. Gargantuan blazing cannonballs fire at will from every direction, destroying skyscraper windows and knocking people away like lego bricks. The smoke parts away, revealing pirate ships of superb quality; instead of ocean tides, large steel propellers glide the sails and whoever's on them to the city, cannons firing like an angry dog.
As the complex stares on in horror, a ship three times as big as all the other roars above them, as a voice booms from above:
"Ahoy, you putrid cunts! Make way for the leveling of your entire city!"
Pirates of every shape and size, skin rotten and bones tough as steel, drop down on ropes and parachutes with a variety of weapons. The ones with crude revolvers provided support in the back for the ones carrying machetes and hatchets. Sure enough, the city, on the day of inner peace, had turned into a fucking riot in less than a post.

~Prologue~
Ah Shit, Time Pirates

>>1639894
>"Ah shit."
Eat the boneless pizza and guzzle down the two liter of coke. Keep the empty bottle and (possible) pizza box before looking for a fight with one of the weaker space pirates

>>1635586
>Starting roll

>>1635586
Wake up.

We're not done with this world yet.

>>1639894
>"I'm annoyed I still haven't gotten to eat yet and honestly I should be terrified but honestly i'm starting to get excited!"

Look for a makeshift weapon. Preferably that can be used like a blade/stick/striking type deal and start sneaking off towards the pirates

>>1639898
ACTUALLY
Grab a chair and look for le fight

>>1639898
>>1639969
Jack finds that his food may be taking a little longer than average-- mainly because the clerk is on fire. He then goes outside to find an all-out war emerging in the streets. With the chair, of course, obviously the guy back there doesn't need it.

>>1639909
Alejandro wakes up in his shattered and destroyed car. Seems like he passed out when flying pirates attacked. At least he found some change on top of him.
>Cash: 25cp

>>1639952
Red furiously punches the door of his shitty one story house and walks out to find that pirates have, uh, destroyed a bunch of shit. Including your neighbor-- hey wait actually this turned out well for you.

>>1639964
Az finds a large stick from the wreckage.
>Stick - Stick. Deals 1-2 damage.

>>Andrew
Andrew runs back to his house, but finds that it's in nothing but blazes. Two pirates manage to hotwire a car-- with your wife in the back seat. Glom tries to scream to you, but the getaway vehicle went 0 to 45 in a few seconds.

>>1640010
>"Let's see. I'm poorly equipped, hungry, out numbered, out gunned, and attacked by surprise. I have absolutely no advantage in this situation, but I still want to fight...I wonder why."


Go sneak around seeking to ambush one of the weaker pirates.

>>1640010
>"...Huh. Well, alright then."

Turn 360 degrees, back into the house, and look around for a weapon with another 360 degree turn. Not too fast, mind you, otherwise we won't see shit.

Rolled 5 (1d20)

>>1640010
WHACK ONE OF THE DISTRACTED PIRATES IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD
>"SMOOTH MOVES!"

Rolled 6 (1d20)

>>1640014
needed a roll

>>1640014
>>1640041
Az manages to, in pure luck, get behind one of the shittier pirates holding up a kitchen knife. Another guy is also charging the same pirate.

>>1640018
Red looks around his house, finding a fairly nice box TV, a few strewn consoles from the good ol days, a kitchen with installed island, and a bedroom on the other side, with hand-me-down blankets with minimal holes. Even though crime was bad around here, he really never needed weapons. In the garage, he finds a bag of bling and a thick blue motorcycle. The bangs outside are getting even louder-- looks like some ships are hitting up the residential districts now.

>>1640029
Jack is a smooth, running past some guy with a stick and smacking a Buccaneer for 2 damage!
(Buccaneer A - ?/??)

>Buccaneer A stabs Jack for 1 damage!
>(Jack Frost - 9/10)

>>Andrew
Andrew digs through his destroyed house, managing to find some pieces of broken support and otherwise!
>Metal Spike (3) - Large, sharp distorted cones of metal, just big enough to firmly wrap around your hand. Can be used individually or thrown for 3 damage each.

Rolled 16 (1d20)

>>1642863
SMASH. BUCCANEER. IN. HEAD.

Rolled 20 (1d20)

>>1642863
>"Nothing personal kid."
Fuck up the skellington with my stick

>>1642863
Alrighty, first, nab the bag of bling and prep the motorcycle [IE check the fuel level manually]

Second, get a knife or two from the kitchen. I might not have the materials to make knife spears yet, but looting should get enough.
Nab any nonperishables or water too, don't want to starve Darkest Dungeon style.

Finally, get ready to gtfo- then gtfo.

>>1642871
Jack hits the enemy again, this time for 3 damage!
(Buccaneer A - ?/??)

>>1642874
Az manages to deal 4 damage to the already disheveled Buccaneer!
(Buccaneer A - ?/??)

>Buccaneer A stabs Jack for 1 damage again!
>(Jack Frost - 8/10)

>>1644356
Red finds that he just filled up the tank, and checks in the kitchen...by pure luck, he finds a thick destroyer of worlds...and steaks.
>X-Cycle (50cc) - A thick, dark blue motorcycle with two diagonal black stripes. The rims also happen to be shaped like a plated 'X'. Carries 10 fuel units.
>Butcher Knife - To the point...literally. Deals 1-6 damage.

>>Andrew
Andrew runs down the street making a few turns, eventually finding himself in the middle of a full-blown downtown siege. You catch a small glimpse of your wife, and several others, being hoisted up to one of the smaller airships.

Finally, the Haven Task Force arrives, armored vehicles coming out of every angle and stopping in the middle of Central Park. One of the more heavily armored men screams out of his megaphones.
>"Fire at will!"
The tops of the trucks open up, revealing more guards aiming mounted large machine guns at the ships. Dual drum mags adorn them, spinning rapidly as hundreds of rounds fire like a chorus of angels. The ships oscillate for a small while, but hold their ground. Swarms of new pirates have stopped...for now.

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>1644497
End the buccaneer

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>1644497
SMASH THE FUCKING BUCCANEER IN THE HEAD

>>1644497
And out we go, let's see if we can't find a hardware store or something.

Or a pawn shop, i'm not too picky.

>>1644503
Az misses.

>>1644505
Jack misses, breaking his barstool into unusable chunks! It then despawns.

>>1645681
Red rushes out to a supply shop in the downtown area, but finds that most of the supplies are being ravaged. Masked and unmasked alike are running away with tools, televisions, jewelry, solid cash, firearms-- it's a loot orgy out here. Anybody who isn't fast enough is being fucked up by pirates.
>(X-Cycle Fuel: 9/10)

>>Andrew
Andrew literally just sits down. A van pulls up to him, the back doors being kicked open. A random, torn up, supposedly homeless guy runs out holding up a pistol in the air.
>"Get in, motherfucker!"

Rolled 18 (1d20)

>>1646256
Just kill the damn bucanneer

Rolled 3 (1d20)

>>1646256
Turn off the bike, take the keys, enter the shop.

Loot what i can, see if there's any tools in there.

Rolled 17 (1d20)

>>1646256
Punch the bucanneer in the ITS THE NUTSHACK

>>1646262
Az sticks it to the Buccaneer! Get it? No? Go fuck yourself.

>Level 1 (1/6)

>>1646278
Red finds that the entire place is pretty much fucked and burning. Anything salvageable is pretty much gone, and he sees the foundation giving out...quick. But, before the building can fall on him, a van does a near-perfect U-turn, keeping the ceiling high like a damn support beam. Inside the open back is a crying man and a torn up loonie with a pistol.
>"Better hurry, son! This van only has so much plating-- bring the damn bike with too!"

>>1646312
Jack does a low blow for good measure.

>Level 1 (1/6)

>>Andrew
Andrew yells and runs into the back, where the crazy fuck gets back into the driver's seat and floors it. The van begins to rattle, but they eventually make it to a random store, when suddenly the driver rams into the fucking wall right before it falls, leaving a noticeable bend in the top.
>"Pop open those doors."
Andrew does as he's told, and the freak runs up and yells at a random young guy with a wifebeater and jeans.

>>1649417
Look at the other guy.
>"Team up?"

As I walk off and look for people in need of help from the pirate menace

>>1649417
Loot the Buccaneer.

>>1649417
"Why do I get the feeling there's bullshit in the near future?"

Get in the goddamn van, with the bike.

>>1649436
Az wanders, finding a different thinner type of pirate wielding a revolver. He reloads after an onslaught taken to a bleeding woman-- then turns to you.

>Gunslinger A fires, hitting Az for 3 damage!
>(Az - 7/10)

>>1649493
Jack gets a good haul out of the body.
>Kitchen Knife - Gordon Ramsey would be proud at your man sandwich. Deals 1-4 damage.

>>1650257
Box loads up the bike, finding a middle aged man still intently listening to the exchange. The freak hops back in the seat and jolts the van out, listening to the building fall to the ground in a flurry of construction dust.

>>Andrew
Andrew finds the mystery guy throw a fairly nice motorcycle in with him, hopping in the seat across from him. The two of you share a quick glance as the escort jumps back into his position, sending the building into nothingness.

>>1655265
Grab the knife, hop into the boneless pizza place with knife in tow, and raid it for pizza.

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>1655265
Fuck.
Disarm him and take his weapon

>>1655275
Jack rushes into the pizza joint, finding something at least somewhat good.
>Personal Pizza - A small circle of sauce, cheese, and glorious garlic butter. Heals for 5HP.
Suddenly, a blood stained Buccaneer comes out from the back room with nothing short of a Machete!

>Buccaneer A slashes Jack nearly in two with a powerful hit!
>(Jack Frost - 3/10)

>>1655520
Az fails to disarm, instead punching the Gunslinger in the face!
(Gunslinger A - ?/??)

>Gunslinger A fires yet again with the same result!
>(Az - 4/10)

>>Andrew
Andrew stares at his new companion. He's a bit gruff, obviously part of the lower class residential areas, but still hardened enough to take enough shit from enough people. His physique is incredibly strong, obviously a heavy lifter, but there's a strange glance in his eyes, one that screams motivation...of all the wrong types.

Rolled 12 (1d20)

>>1656218
One more attempt.
Disarm the faggot.

Rolled 14 (1d20)

>>1656218
Quickly stuff the pizza down my throat before putting the knife in Buccaneer A's throat.

>>1656221
Az struggles again, but fails, giving Gunslinger A another whip in the temple!
(Gunslinger A - ?/??)

>Gunslinger A fires a shot dealing 3 damage!
>(Az - 1/10 <!>)

All of a sudden, a van is heard ramming into the enemy, dealing 6 damage!
(Gunslinger A - ?/??)
The doors wildly flail open, and out pops...somebody. His strange, filthy, patched-up trenchcoat flails wildly in the breeze of cannon fire, adorned with an even dirtier top hat to match. A scraggy beard and hair going grey at the roots completes the entire complexion.
>"Looks like you have some troubles! Hop in!"

>>1656228
Jack manages to chug an entire pizza in one go. RPG logic, I tell you.
>(Jack Frost - 8/10)

>Buccaneer hits for a solid 3 damage!
>(Jack Frost - 5/10)

>>Andrew
Andrew feels a swerve hit, sending him and the other guy jolting to the ground. Of course, this fucking lunatic kicks open the doors, and lo and behold, he actually ran some random pirate over. Serves him right, you suppose.

Rolled 13 (1d20)

>>1656262
Fucking hop in with my stick.
>"Fuck this shit."

Rolled 1 (1d20)

>>1656262
Stab the Buccaneer in the eyr.

>>1656262
Reach out and quickly loot the Pirate for anything useful- including his bones, if they're not super fucking brittle now that he's ded.

>>1656264
Az leaps into the van, abandoning the fight as the visitor runs back and forth yet again.

>>1657341
Jack hits the pirate's eyr! ...If the pirate had one, at least.

>>1658608
Red manages to pull something right out of the Gunslinger's hands!
>Pocket Revolver - "It's, uh, quarter to 12." Takes regular ammunition, deals 3-4 damage.
>Bullet (5) - Average, everyday ammunition.

>>Andrew
Andrew just flips off the pirate as the van drives off!
>"Alright gang, we just need one more dolt who can fight-- got it!"
The van hits a sharp right turn, fit with a nearly perfect drift!

Outside, the city watches as the last military vehicle sees it's end, using a final bombshell to unload into the engine of one of the smallest airships! It slowly falls to the surface, landing directly in the center of the park and onto a nearby exit road! The larger ships begin to lower...

>>1659659
>"So... What the fuck just happened? Also do we have any medical supplies for the almost dead?"

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>1659659
Welp, just slash at the Buccaneer?

>>1659659
A shame we didn't nab his hat. Ah well.

Close the van doors. Don't want to fall out, now, do we?

>>1659661
>"Space pirates, bitch. Came outta some sort of wormhole thingamabobber to tear apart the city and bring a whole new level of faggotry on the world. The people here have no hope of survival-- they'll probably be turned into slaves or something. Hold that thought, we're here."

>>1659666
Jack suddenly swings wildly into the Buccaneer, leaving a fiery singe for 2 damage!
(Buccaneer A - ?/??)

>Buccaneer A swings down with his blade once again, dealing 4 damage!
>(Jack Frost - 1/10 <!>)

All of a sudden, an armored van decides to drive up right behind you. Whoever's driving looks like a god damn lunatic.
>"Holy shit, you look like a paper mache volcano! Get in!"

>>1659826
Red does everybody a favor and closes the doors.

>>Andrew
Andrew decides to barge past the guy next to him, throwing himself out of the van and landing him right in front of the ship wreckage. It looks large, bigger than the road and resting up against a tipped over semi tanker. Whatever's inside couldn't be good.

>>1660029
Shrug- no point in letting the suicidal bastard stick around.

Ask the driver if there's any scrap i can make use of, or tools.

>>1660029
Combat roll over to the combat van and hop in.

>>1660077
>"Nothing here to work with, kid. We need all the metal to get the fuck out of dodge."

>>1660083
Jack limps over to the van, sitting down next to the rest of the crew. The van suddenly kicks into gear as speakers blast an old track...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlN3oEjMpUQ
>"ALRIGHT, BITCHES, LET'S KEEP THIS BABY AFLOAT TO THE BORDER!"

>>Andrew
Andrew waits, but nobody actually comes in or out of the constant plume of smoke. He suddenly hears the van driving up behind him at top speed.

The van kicks up smoke, sending the truck down Main Street and towards freedom-- however, the pirates on the ground stop their pillaging, arming themselves up for a slaughter.
>Armored Van: 30/30
>???: 15/15

>Buccaneer A jumps onto the van!
>Buccaneer B prepares to jump...

Rolled 7 (1d20)

>>1660173
Kick the Buccaneer off of the van.

Rolled 5 (1d20)

>>1660173
That buccaneer is not welcome on my van, kick him off.

>>1660176
Jack kicks the first guy by getting on top of the van, but he just merely holds on.
(Buccaneer A - ?/??)

>>1660215
After being weakened, Red helps out and blows the Buccaneer completely off the van, sending him spiraling down.

>>Andrew
Andrew runs into the ship, rooms and cannons busted open and unusable, gunpowder lying all over the floor, and treasure chests strewn about-- but suddenly, the ship loses some balance, having a piece of the floor come down to reveal four Buccaneers and two Gunslingers! They're a bit dizzy after falling.

<<>>

>Buccaneer B jumps onto the van!
The driver pops his head out as they come a few metres in reach of the destroyed and broken airship.
>"We're about to go right into the storm-- hold on!"

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>1660240
"Ahhh, shit."

BLAM Buccaneer B with the Revolver.

Rolled 4 (1d20)

>>1660240
quickly kick the Buccaneer before buckling down

>>1660240
Look myself over to check the state of my health