Pitchfork - the Quest from Hell #6

>Consider your spell options
Your mood has improved somewhat with the discovery of your heightened MAGICAL PROWESS. You'll have to decide on a new spell to add to your repertoire, but right now you're tired as hell - the ritual and the seven hours preceding it drained you dry. You gotta sleep first.
You close the bucket of INFERNAL DISSOLVANT, and return it to the armory along with the MOP. You close the wrecked door to your best ability - you really hope nobody breaks in while you sleep.
You slither into your BEDCHAMBER, housing a bed that is impressive in size compared to your size. You set an alarm on your HELLPHONE, and you hit the hay.

>Meanwhile...

In Hell, you don't climb up on the corporate ladder. You climb straight down.

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>Be Acerparva
You are now ACERPARVA.
You are a LESSER DEMON serving Great King and President ZAGAN, commander of thirty-three Infernal Legions. Life is relatively good for you as a lowly accountant of the mighty SISIRRISI & SISIRRISI AVARICE TRUST - your coworkers treat you with as much respect as a lesser demon may possibly get and they pressure you into doing only 90% of their work. You don't feel particularly miserable, however, as you are practically in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR JOB, though sometimes even you feel overwhelmed by the amount of work piled onto you. Still, you're proud of yourself for clawing yourself up from coffee girl and stress relief punching bag status to the rank of accountant on the CORPORATE LADDER, despite being a lesser demon - most lesser demons at the Trust serve as footstools for the INFERNAL EXECUTIVES. Your sharp tongue, impatient nature and low level of DEMONIC POWER won't let you ascend further, however.
In your free time (about four full hours a week), you are an avid fan of BODY MODIFICATION - you have several PIERCINGS and turned your skin into a collage of various TATTOOS. You also read several MAGAZINES on this topic.
You also enjoy browsing the INTERNET from time to time, and have several BUSINESS ASSOCIATES all around Hell.
However, you have currently no time to engage in your hobbies, as you are too busy FREAKING OUT. You messed up, you messed up bad. You are so upset you can barely concentrate on the three different forms you're filling out at the moment.
A few hours ago, you were sent to a certain mortal called BRIGHTON MACKENZIE to retrieve an alleged asset of the Trust from her. Of course, the claim that the necklace is the Trust's property is a barefaced lie, one that you were instructed to tell.
Afterall, no demon owns the necklace holding DEMON LORD ZAGAN'S TEETH, except for Demon Lord Zagan himself.
In any case, the Trust's plan to curry the Demon Lord's favor and rise above its competitors by being the one to return the necklace failed. Mackenzie proved to be as stubborn as a drunk hellsteed and categorically refused to give up the necklace. Technically, she just rerouted you to the actual Holder of the Asset, but you're certain that the bloodthirsty Board of Infernal Executives will be all too enthusiastic to reinterpret this as refusal to give up the Asset, in which case the Legal Owner is permitted to retrieve it by force etc. etc.
You normally wouldn't care about a mortal getting gored by a bunch of corporate-hired MERCENARIES, except...
...Except this one is uncomfortably HOT. You're pretty sure you might be in love, which is both ridiculous and slightly worrisome.
You tried your best to convince her to give up the necklace to spare her from having to deepthroat a bunch of pitchforks, but she proved too stubborn. You returned to your office hours ago and you still haven't dared to file your REPORT. The REPORT FORM lies on your desk, accusingly empty.
>What do you do?

>>1602263
File a delay on the acquisition of the necklace. We'll try to convince her to relinquish it again... maybe over dinner?

>>1602263
try to find a way to convince her to give it to great demon lord zagan personally so you both can gain something

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((Sorry for the slow updates lads, I'm preoccupied with IRL responsibilities.))
>>1604040
>Convince her to give it personally to Lord Zagan
That is the exact opposite of a good idea. You're stalling because you want her to survive, not because you want her to die in a more creative and painful fashion. And that's in the astronomically unlikely event that a mortal can meet a DEMON LORD in person. This suggestion is off the tables.

>>1603200
>File a delay, try again later.
You know full well you can't procrastinate on writing this report much further, lest your BOSS come down to the office to see what's taking so long. You don't want the BOSS to come down to the office.
Instead, you set aside the other three documents you're simultaneously working on and go for the second worst option. You dip your pen into blood-red ink and take a deep breath.
Using the most labyrinthine and complicated LEGAL BABBLE you can muster, you file an elaborately crafted REPORT on how your efforts to retrieve the necklace failed despite your best efforts, by every legal definition of the words "your", "best" or "efforts". You emphasize that this was no fault of yours - as a lesser demon in a position usually reserved for legionnaires, you're always walking on eggshells if you screw up. Furthermore, if you get booted from this assignment, your replacement will just probably file a failure and immediately suggest the use of force.
You go on to detail your plan for retrieving the necklace without force, which, you note, would be a waste of the Trust's finances. You really hope the BOARD OF DIRECTORS tolerate smartass accountants, as the idiom of "the market ate him alive" is sometimes very much literal in the realm of Zagan.
Your, er, PLAN is to wheedle yourself into Mackenzie's confidence through several DINNERS. After she has come to trust you, you will again try to convince her to give up the necklace, "for the sake of her safety". You note that this method, while somewhat more time-consuming, requires much less expense from the Trust than hiring MERCENARIES for retrieval, and it's much more covert as well.
You finish up your report according to the standard formalities. You wipe the sweat from your brow.
Best case scenario, you get to go on a date with Mackenzie on the Trust's funding. Worst case scenario, you get to meet her again. In the Pits. Realistically, it will delay the "use of force" for a while until they cut through all the red tape.

Who do you submit the proposal to?
>Your boss
>The head of department
>Directly to the Board of Directors

>>1604877
>the head of department

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>>1604897
>Submit to head of department
You wave to an IMP passing by your desk and shove the REPORT in its paws.
"Send this over to the head of dept, will you? Thanks."
The imp tilts its head quizzically. You feel your blood boil. Just how stupid are these things...?
"Are you deaf?! Send it to INFERNAL LIEUTENANT ODDOK! Should I fill a separate form for you to comply?!"
The imp suddenly jumps a bit and runs off with the form in the direction of the head of department's office. Finally...!
By Lucifer, you never cease being astounded at the obtuseness of IMPS. Sure, they may be half-sentient vermin on the border of hellbeast and true demon, but the fact that they can't learn and memorize corporate titles is astounding. You're pretty sure the only reason the Trust tolerates the IMP NESTS around the office is that they can be used for simple tasks like transporting papers or as convenient worktime snacks.
Irritating little pests. You wish you never had to do anything with imps.
You sit back in your chair and sigh. Submitting this to Oddok was a good idea. Your BOSS might return it before it reaches the BOARD OF DIRECTORS, while the Board will simply disregard it if it's submitted directly by a lesser demon. All you have to do now is wait to see if they will have your head for this idea or do you get to date Mackenzie.
There are three unfinished REPORTS on your desk, one two belonging to you and one belonging to your co-worker MARTHAX, and a COMPUTER which is switched on.

>What do you do?

>>1608003
Fill out your reports while idly looking up things that mortals like to eat on the computer. Maybe some other mortal courtship rituals. Accidentally stumble upon various hand holding techniques

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>>1608031
>Fill out your reports while idly looking up things that mortals like to eat on the computer. Maybe some other mortal courtship rituals. Accidentally stumble upon various hand holding techniques
Well, that's out of the way, you suppose. There's no point in worrying about it until the report is reviewed and returned to your desk, possibly with fifteen lashes to the face. Time to get back to your work... and your COWORKER's, too.
You dip your pen into the ink again and continue filling out the forms. Sometimes you check the incomes and expenses with the DATABASE on your computer. Work is going pretty well, especially if you don't think too much about Marthax chatting with his buddies over at the souls division while you do all his work. You clench your fist a little bit.
Still, your mind keeps wandering back to Mackenzie and your possible upcoming dinner. You don't know why would you fall horns first for somebody who basically just yelled at you for fifteen minutes with a bottle of beer and a box of pizza in her hands and a catatonic body hanging from her shoulder, but she is unbelievably attractive with all her hot blood. You're somewhat afraid that this is just a weird crush and not really love, though. That's why the dinner is important, you want to find out more about her.
Before you know it, you've clicked away from the DATABASE and you're looking up mortal dishes. Their tastes are... odd, but nothing you couldn't handle.
You keep filling out your REPORTS while occasionally glancing at the screen. You look up videos of mortals offering dating tips, and icebreakers while your pen scratches on the papers before you. Link after link you traverse through various websites, each more depraved than the last, and you eventually come across tips on H-HAND HO-
You close your web browser. Your face is redder than the flames of the Pit.
No way.
You're not holding hands with Mackenzie. You're not a succubus. You have standards.

>Get coffee
You finish up the forms quietly, stand up from your chair and stretch your back. You need some COFFEE before you start working on the next five assignments.
You carefully tread down through the busy office space to the coffee machine, avoiding hordes of imps, lesser demons carrying coffee or stacks of documents, and legionnaires talking on their HELLPHONES. You try your best not to bump into anybody, and generally keep a low profile. You reach the coffee machine without relative incident and insert five BRASS DENARII. The machine whirrs loudly and begins dispensing HELLISHLY STRONG COFFEE into a cup.
You suddenly hear the heavy thumps of hooves hitting the red stone floor of the corridor. An alto female voice resonates throughout the hall.
"Acerparva. I was just looking for you. Are you finished with your assignment report on the Trust asset yet?"
Oh, shit.
It's exactly who you didn't want to see. Your BOSS is standing right behind you.

>Begin conversation. What do you say?

>>1608157
>yes i am

>>1608157
>Yes sir. Handed it off to an imp this morning. Did that little shit get lost on the way again!?

We tell him the truth... just not who we sent it to. Put the blame on the imp for delivering it to the wrong boss.

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((Jesus Christ, this demon is the ugliest thing I have ever shopped together. Just... imagine what she'd look like based on this image. Forgive me.))
>>1608178
>Blame the imp
This won't be good. Your BOSS isn't particularly malevolent, but she is extremely strict. You doubt she'd appreciate skipping her in the chain of bureaucracy. You feel yourself shrinking as you turn around and face INFERNAL COMMANDER MAIDENHEAD.
"Yes ma'am. Handed it off to an imp an hour ago."
Maidenhead's voice rumbles from beneath her featureless mask. The Seal of Zagan glints threateningly on her forehead. "Well it has not arrived to me" - she notes, checking her clipboard. - "Care to explain?"
You look around and feign a little, tense laugh. "Did that little pest get lost on the way again? You know how unreliable imps are, ma'am-"
"If you really consider them unreliable, why did you send your report in with one? This is unacceptably sloppy, Acerparva."
Your sweat is as cold as it reasonably could be in Hell. This is all going to shit extremely fast.

>>1608312
>Because I have a lot of work to do and I figured it would be more efficient if I let the imp hand over the report, while I complete the rest of my assignments.

>>1608316
>Blame workload
You try to steer back the conversation under control. A subtle reference to what a diligent employee you are might be good.
"Because... because I figured that sending it over with an imp would be more efficient, ma'am. So I could complete the rest of my assignment while it delivers the report to you." - You gulp a little, just a little bit.
Maidenhead contemplates your EXCUSE for a moment. If she has any emotional reaction to it, her mask hides it well. You feel like someone hanged a sword from a thread over your head, and it could fall any moment.
Finally, she clears her throat and sounds her judgement.
"Frankly it would have been better if you took a few minutes off and took it directly to me. It wouldn't have been that big a delay on your work."
You nod fervently. "I understand, ma'am."
"Acerparva," - Maidenhead speaks - "you're not afraid of me, are you?
"No, ma'am, not at all!" Your answer is a little too quick. "I'm just... ashamed of your mistake."
"Alright then. It's a forgivable error that you have made. However, you have to catch that imp as soon as possible and bring in the report to my desk. We can't have an imp running around the Trust with a report on such important matters."
"Y-yes, ma'am! Of course! I'll relocate it posthaste."
"Good. Turn it in before the end of your shift." Without any further word, Maidenhead turns around and returns through the corridor to whence she came.
You are left alone with the COFFEE MACHINE, with a CUP OF COFFEE on the deposit tray. You are shaking with stress. You seriously thought that she would have your head for this... and if the IMP actually manages to turn in the report to the HEAD OF DEPARTMENT, she actually will.
>What do you do?

>ashamed of your mistake
((It's "ashamed of MY mistake", goddamnit. I'm tired and make stupid typos.))
((Also I will make a proper image of Maidenhead when I get the time and the capacity, instead of that artifact-laden yellow abomination.))

>>1609821
Try to find the imp before it turns in the report. If you're too late, immediately clock out and make preparations to kill your boss and take her place. That's how promotions work in hell right?

I'll be really, really busy for the next one week, so no new threads until then. I'll return afterwards.