SpessQuest

We're going to need a bicycle horn.

A very big bicycle horn...

>>1372
The largest bicycle horn in your possession is inside of your CLOWN BACKPACK. It honks at a reasonable volume.

Perhaps you could consult the ROBOTICIST and talk him into building you the H.O.N.K MECH, presuming he has the BANANIUM required

>>1380
Reasonable volume is not good enough. We're going to need a very unreasonable bicycle horn if we're going to improve the morale of these grumpy-pusses. Off to the ROBOTICIST!

>>1352
Go to the head of personnel and change job to mime

>>1407
You stumble through the CENTRAL HALLWAY, annoying anybody who passes by with your DISGUSTINGLY LOUD SQUEAKY SHOES. They're so fucking dumb. Everybody hates you.

You don't care. You make your way to robotics and knock on the window. The roboticist rolls his eyes and wants to know what you want. He already knows what you want, though.

>>1422
Never. Mimes are disgusting, vile creatures from the depths of hell. You hate mimes. Every time you see a fucking mime you kick them in the shin and slip them on your banana peel.
Fuck mimes

>>1432
Say you're here for a H.O.N.K. mech and give him a wink

>>1432
>>1471
We need to be sure to honk our bicycle horn gratuitiously so he knows exactly what we mean.

>>1471
>>1477
You honk your horn excessively, while screeching some muddled gobbledygook about a giant CLOWN MECH. You do a silly CLOWN JIG, sending squeaks across the galaxy. Clowns everywhere are moved by your performance.

The roboticist sighs and begrudgingly agrees, just so you can shut the fuck up.

The Honkmother, pleased by your grand display of pure clownery, has granted you one CLOWN TOKEN. Hell yes.

Your rampant annoyance and general dickheadery has elevated your CLOUN HEIGHT. A CLOUN is kind of like a cloud, but shaped like a CLOWN MASK. It has elevated from LEVEL ONE: GROUNDED to LEVEL TWO: AND WE HAVE LIFDOFF

>>1497
Pray to Honkmother for a holy quest

>>1497
Griff the Chef

>>1497
Drop a banana peel in front of a security guard so he trips and inevidably gets robbed blind by the grey tide.

>>1511
You pray to the HONKMOTHER for guidance, but all you get is a single STOCK HONK SOUND EFFECT that echos inside of your empty skull. Looks like nothing is happening right now.

>>1539
The roboticist gets to work on your mech, grumbling to himself. You retrieve your SPARE HORN from the THEATER and throw it at him so he can complete the mech. Meanwhile, in the kitchen...

THE CHEF is hard at work on his latest scheme. A burger so large it pierces the heavens. TENGEN TOPPA. You see this incomplete burger laying about on the kitchen table, unsupervised. Your time to strike is now. You CLOWN SCRAMBLE over the table and grab the burger. You gaze at the tower of meat, potato and ice chilis. This is too beautiful. You cannot bear to destroy a work of art like this. Griffing the chef comes later. This is too sacred to defile.

The Honkmother is impressed by your restraint and appreciation for FINE ART. You gain a second token, and climb your CLOWN TIER to the next level. You have a long way to go, but you hear the max CLOWN LEVEL is pretty fucking sweet.

>>1542
You PDA message ALL OF THE STAFF ASSISTANTS that a security guard is about to get fucked up in front of the kitchen. They all decide to come. You PDA message one of the Security members, telling him to come to the kitchen, quick. The Chef is gibbing bodies, you say!

As he bumbles down the hallway, taser in hand, you strike. The banana peel falls. The security man slips. The tide arrives.

HONK REMAINS

Your CLOUN has reached another level! LEVEL 3: GET THE METER STICK

>>1597
Convert engineers, persuade then to help you hack into comms to stifle all dissent.

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>>1597

make the engineers see the light

>>1630
You CLOWN JIG away from the brutal security murder that you instigated. The seeds have been sewn. The revolution comes. Security is crumbling due to the loss of their courageous comrade. Also because he was the only OFFICER next to the WARDEN, who didn't even realize what just went down.

You bust a hole through the walls to the TELECOMMUNICATIONS ROOM with your HONK MIGHT. Engineers can fuck themselves. You will bring the light yourself.

You expend one of your CLOWN TOKENS in order to unlock the consoles and disable the TURRETS surrounding the room. Now we just need to get to business...

Okay, you have no idea how to code this shit. These manuals are incomprehensible. You just meta the shit out of the WIKI PAGE and steal the code that replaces all the words with HONK.
Yes, this is what you need.

Your debilitation of station function nets you a profit of a cool 9 TOKENS. The CLOUN skyrockets, elevating to LEVEL 10: UNREAL AIR.

You are now A LEVEL 50 OUT OF 21503 CLOWN! Your mask gets a decorative LIGHTNING BOLT running down the right side. Now you can channel your inner ZIGGY STARDUST, greatest musician of the 20th century.

The station begins to form a LYNCH MOB. This is concerning. You serenely skedaddle out of Telecomms, hiding in a maintenance tunnel.

>>1733
Take asylum in the chapel, the holiest place on station outside of Toxins. If it's not holy enough, draw some Arcane Clown Runes and lay down some mousetraps to prevent the mime from entering.

>>1733
Go to chemistry, demand meth and space lube

>>1733

We had that mech cooking didn't we. GO get that to fight the lynch mob or at least distract it.

>>1758
The chaplain wants you dead. The chapel is a no-go.

>>1769
The chemists want you dead, too. Medbay won't be of any help.

>>1784
Clown, you mad genius. You bumble about in the maint tunnels, tripping over wrenches and honking like a buffon. Everybody knows where you are at this point. Get to robotics. Now.

You practically break through the window to Robotics just as the roboticist is done with the HONK 5000, complete with SUPER HONKER and PIE CATAPULT. God bless America. You jump inside and begin to RIDE. The ungodly, terror-filled SQUEAKS of the HONK's FEET begin to ring out through the empty halls of the station. The lynch mob approaches, but you are ready now.

>>1849
HONK

>>1849

Unleash the honk of war and launch the pies. No one can escape.

>>1849
Spam the HONK so no one can read chat over all the noise you're making.

>>1858
>>1869
>>1953
You begin to HONK so loud, nobody can hear themselves think. It is a glorious sight. Nobody can escape the mi--

COMMERCIAL BREAK. THE QUEST RUNNER MUST SLEEP. WE APOLOGIZE.

>>1965
Intermission time
http://i.4cdn.org/wsg/1461821145784.webm

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COMMERCIAL BREAK OVER.
BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED HONKING

The honking is so loud, no human can bear it. They all fall over in agony, crying over the sound. The HONKMOTHER is ecstatic. You are granted 5 more TOKENS. You're a rich clown.

The CLOUN begins to rise again. Every blasted ear drum causes it to go up another level, CLOUN LEVEL 25: WHIRLYBIRD

YOU GAIN MORE CLOWN TIERS! You are now a level 75 CLOWN, as you are now a master HONKER. In order to ASCEND at a faster rate, you must do something of CONSIDERABLE CLOWNERY.

What now?

>>5441
find a woman and force her into a corner.
Unzip your pants and reveal an extendable boxing glove that punches her in the face. Make sure to spray her face with seltzer water before slamming a cream pie over her pretty face

>>5453
That's silly. Everybody knows that women don't exist in space! That's the stupidest thing you've ever heard. Points for creativity, though

>>5441
Go bug security for their toys. If they won't cooperate, try and break into their toyroom where they keep the shiniest ones.

>>5969
You bust your way through the BRIG DOORS with minimal trouble. The WARDEN was the only other security member, and he's currently debilitated in front of the MEDBAY. You bust through some more DOORS and WINDOWS until you hit the jackpot. Welcome to the secure armory.

As you squeak through the room, you notice one of the ION RIFLES are missing. You have a bad feeling about that.

FOOTSTEPS can be heard behind you.
This was a bad idea.

>>6079
Harness your inner HONK, gather your clowning, bufoonery and silly antics for a final ultimate move. A peel, a pie and a HONK.

>>6294
You are out of BANANAS! You dropped your peel to kill that security officer, remember?
You are out of PIES! The only one you can think of is in the theater, and you forgot to grab it!

The HEAD OF SECURITY fires his ION RIFLE at the HONK, destroying most of its systems in an instant! Looks like you'll need to fight him in hand to hand combat!

BOSS BATTLE: HEAD OF SECURITY
> ASSAULT
CLOWNTECH
RUN
HONK

HoS HP: 200/200

CLOWN HP: 200/200

What will you do?

>>6404
table him and rip the ion rifle or whatever weapon out of his hands.

>>6404
Cry for help over the public radio. Maybe some bored assistants will be interested in free gunsm

>>6428
You grab the HoS by the arm, but he successfully PARRIES your assault and smacks you in the face with the butt of his rifle!
CLOWN HP: 190/200

>>6542
You fucked up public radio, remember?

>>6552
Drop your PDA, then pull him onto the PDA

>>6562
You SLAM DUNK your PDA onto the ground and quickly slip the HoS on it. He looks resigned to his fate.
You proceed to beat the shit out of him with his own rifle and fart in his face.

HoS HP: 90/200 *CRIT*
CLOWN HP: 190/200

You have outrobusted the HoS! He looks like he's about to die.

The CLOUN sails off into a new dimension. It cannot be seen anymore. ASCENSION COMPLETE!

You reach CLOWN TIER 1000! You are now the MASTER OF THE HONK. Nobody has ever gotten this far. Except for ol' Shoe-Snatchin Willy. What a madman he was. A true clown hero.

THE HONKMOTHER is overjoyed! You are showered in a tidal wave of CLOWN TOKENS.

Congratulations!

What now?

>>6667
Steal his radio and PDA, giftwrap him into a locker, and use his PDA to tell the warden to arrest the chaplain for aiding Clown Crimes

>>6720
You strip the HoS' PDA, and alert the warden of the Chaplain's CRIMES. Another hilarious prank.

best thread keep it up op! Would love to see more ss13 quests in the future

>>6996
Deal with the horde of curious assistants who heard the gunfire

Steal his earpiece, ID, his helmet, and his stunstick. Throw his whimpering ass into the disposals and claim that you were attacked by a rogue janitor!

>>6996
Contact Biology and request that they grow bananas, and you will pay with guns stolen from the armory

>>7613
ION RIFLES are surprisingly quiet. Besides, everybody except for you was deafened by the VAST HONK anyways

>>7760
You consult your Botanist Friends, who agree to grow you a lot of BANANAS

Everything is coming along smoothly

>>7780
>Everything is coming along smoothly
>coming along smoothly
>smoothly

>space lube

>>7780
build a computer and try to steal the captains id...and if you ever there say the following the announcment system.

"there seems to be a horrible lack of pottasium on this station"
Or.
"BANNANA SLAMA!"

>>7780
Fine, get ready to go outside. Raid EVA next for space suits.