Thread replies: 156
Thread images: 33
Thread images: 33
You are a FILTHY BANDIT.
What is your name?
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>>106674
Mick the dick.
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>>106676
2nd
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Pinhead larry
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Niggerbeater99
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>>106674
Tits McGee
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>>106676
3rded
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Forgot to add 4, 6, 8, and 0s decide.
>>106676
You are MICK THE DICK and are planning on attacking an UNSUSPECTING CARAVAN.
Unfortunately you have been stricken with the dangerous affliction of STUPID, meaning you can only carry one weapon.
Set of DAGGERS, BOW and ARROWS, BIGASS SWORD, or maybe something else.
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>>106691
DAGGERS of course, you're a DICK ASS THIEF after all.
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>>106691
Use your trusty spoon.
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>>106691
DAGGERS FOR DICKS
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>>106691
The stick.
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>>106694
Loading your belt with numerous DAGGERS, you go to the route of the caravan. You can hear something approaching.
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>>106708
I'm stupid
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>>106710
Put a rock into the first orifice you can find
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>>106710
Trip on a snake.
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>>106710
Play dead
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>>106710
fucking prepare to shank that shit
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>>106710
Go DENNIS
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>>106719
It's a fun scene to watch people draw.
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>>106732
Are you 12?
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>>106714
The first orifice you find is... the MOUTH of a ROYAL GUARD. And you miss too, nice.
Good god, what are you doing?
He falls down unconscious, and you can hear horses approaching.
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>>106740
Drag him in a bush and impersonate him.
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>>106740
Take off the guards clothes and try to slip into them.
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>>106740
REATREAT to the BUSHES and pull the guard in with you.
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>>106740
Drag his body into the bushes and hide
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>>106750
You slip into the CLOTHES of the ROYAL GUARD. However, you're still wearing your old clothing underneath because they're EXTREMELY COMFORTABLE.
The UNSUSPECTING CARAVAN approaches and are within sight.
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>>106766
You will now become a royal guard as a profession.
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>>106766
Stand to the side and check out who's coming. If they look bigger than you back off. Don't want to get rocks in our faces.
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>>106774
It's hard working with people who will now execute you on sight, so you decide otherwise.
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>>106788
Go against your common sense.
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>>106788
greet incoming travelers
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>>106788
Stab the horse
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>>106798
You decide it was a GOOD IDEA to stab one of the horses. The other one freaks out and the man in front starts yelling at you.
You are about to get TRAMPLED OVER.
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>>106820
Finish it off to stop the wagon.
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>>106826
As the other horse knocks over you manage to nab it good. Some of your DAGGERS fell off.
The man walks over to you with LEVER ACTION RIFLE. It looks expensive.
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>>106855
USE YOUR DAGGER THROWING SKILLS TO KILL HIM WITH A SICK HEADSHOT
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>>106855
THROW A DAGGER AT HIM
PREFERABLY AGAINST HIS LIMBS
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>>106855
Throw your spear at him.
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>>106860
You throw an INCREDIBLE PRECISE DAGGER at the SENILE MAN and snags him in the arm. The LEVER ACTION RIFLE is dropped.
Someone is coming out of the CARAVAN.
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>>106898
Grab the gun and shoot the person coming out.
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>>106898
Grab the gun and hold them at gunpoint to get some information!
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>>106898
Roll forward and grab the gun mid-roll, when you come to a stop, point the gun at the new person to sue as leverage to rob them.
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No more GETs rule for now
>>106904
>>106907
You do a sweet ROLL and point the newly obtained RIFLE at...
Who?
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>>106954
Mom? What are you doing here?
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>>106954
Your arch-enemy dinkleberg
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>>106962
oh fuck, that'd be rich. Is our mother the queen and were the rebellious prince who read too many stories and dreams of being some infamous thief?
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>>106954
His magesty the serf.
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>>107007
To avoid /ss/henanigans attempt to flee in the opposite direction of wherever they are going.
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Wow I mangled that
>>106962
It's your mother, the QUEEN of ALEXANDRIA.
She scolds you and asks where have you been all this time. Oh, and you think you may have dagger'd her favorite butler.
Apparently she's on her way to a secret summit.
You fear that you may suffer a fate worse than death.
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>>107016
Open fire at her as surrendering will bring a fate worse than death.... cleaning the out the hog dung collectors.
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>>107016
Tell yer ma yer workin and rob her. Dont forget to hug and kiss her
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>>107028
>>107015
You grab your ALLOWANCE after a hug and haul your ass out of there.
I'll be back later.
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>>107085
Now to rob an actual helpless merchant.
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>>107085
Go spend it all on candy and laugh evilly.
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>>107085
Find a village of peasants
Rob them, but do it in an entertaining way without having to have your mother save your pathetic ass
We'll be a masterful and ruthless robber yet.
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>>107085
It's cool, even the most hard boiled murders still hug there mums.
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>>107098
Except for the ones that've killed there mums. But that's a little too hardboiled.
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>>107129
Well, I suppose one or two of these sill hug their mums, but at that point it's just weird.
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>>107153
Hey, I still hug my Mom. Look how I turned out!
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It's been two hours. OP is kill. R.I.P. OP.
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>>107653
>I'll be back later
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>>107658
Later doesn't mean 2 entire hours anon! You have to fave it, OP is kill.
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>>107665
Lol fave. I meant face.
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>>107095
>>107088
After fleeing far away and loading yourself with a HECKLOAD of LOLLIPOPS, you decide to put your skills to use on a target worth your attention: rich merchants.
And now, you're at someone's front gate at nightfall.
That Hobin Rude guy was pretty cool, but you're sure you can one up him.
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>>107765
Sneaky sneak behind them
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>>107765
Throw one of your daggers at the wall on the opposite side of the door that the guards are stationed at as a distraction then sneak past.
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>>107765
Become the shadows, the wind, the road itself, go completely unnoticed. then fuck it up by stabing someone.
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>>107771
>>107774
You throw a dagger and sneak past to the wall.
It's a pretty big wall.
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>>107765
Realize that you can eat candy through that mask, what is that, I'm sure it's a very fine material, but it will offer no protection at all from anything heavier than light.
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>>107807
A true ninja-er I mean, a true master thief can climb any wall.
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>>107807
Intimidate the wall into leaving.
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>>107810
You wear this sweet bandanna around your face because it's cool.
After all if you can't be a bandit in style, better not be one at all.
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>>107836
Good on you, pal, but you might want to get your rush on, those guards are looking at you...
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>>107825
You quietly threaten the wall.
It starts sweating profusely.
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>>107853
Great, now it's slick as well, way to boost the challenge rating for climbing that thing.
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>>107853
Let the wall sweat enough to erode a hole in itself and then climb through that.
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>>107853
Rub your knife edge along it's pretty little face, whisper threats in it's ear regarding it's continued presence.
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>>107853
Collect sweat and throw it at the guards if they see us.
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>>107872
It was actually someone camouflaged into the wall, trapped before because the guards were right in front of him.
After he helps you up, he wants you to get him up too.
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>>107919
Help him up, honor among thieves and all that. offer him a lollipop once you're both over and see what his plan is.
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>>107919
Help him, and make sure he understands that you will kill him at the slightest sign of malice.
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>>107924
After helping him do the "thiefs dance" now you are totally bros
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>>107924
>>107952
He tells you his name is WALLACE, and you tell him you are MICK THE DICK and that he better remember it.
WALLACE tells you he wants to BURN the place down because the merchant forced him and his family out of his home.
You look at the merchant's home and it's made out of STONE.
You shoot a questioning glance back.
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>>107979
Hey, once it gets hot enough, EVERYTHING BURNS.
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>>107979
Good luck. Maybe we will find something to burn/loot inside.
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>>107979
He's totes a pro arsonist. He knows whether it will burn, ask him to hold off until after you're done looting.
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Where to?
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>>108135
The door right in front of him sounds like a good place like any one to start. Probably not where the big cash is storaged, but maybe we can find a staff member less threatening than an armed guard and "ask" some questions about the castle and possible location places of the typical money vault
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>>108162
There is a sleeping guard and a... golden toilet?
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>>108232
See what is in the toilet
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>>108277
There's no water, but there is a single ingot. It doesn't look gold. Actually, you have no idea what it is.
Gonna stop here for now.
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>>108311
Give ingot to arsonist as a token of your fruendship
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>>108311
Taste the ingot.
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>>108311
Pocket the ingot, also pocket the golden seat of the golden toilet.
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>>108311
Rub it in the sleeping guards face to make sure it's streak is good, don't want fools gold or some shit
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>>109118
>>111893
>>112602
You hesitantly and reluctantly taste the INGOT that has been sitting in the gold toilet for who knows how long.
It tastes EARTHLY. Extra gross.
You pull out the GOLD TOILET SEAT and carry it over your shoulder, and you see that WALLACE has decided to tie up the guard.
Despite knowing it's not gold, you rub the INGOT on the guards face face anyway.
Maybe this is a good time to ask some questions.
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>>113847
Thats not an ingot, that's a shit brick. Also tell Wallace to prostrate himself and begin performing fellatio on the guard. You can catch more flies with honey.
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>>113847
Make him talk, tell us where the treasure is!
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>>113887
>>108920
You toss over the INGOT to WALLACE since it looks like he wants it.
>>113926
He says the coffers are upstairs in the merchant's bedroom.
You also remember that there was a LIGHT upstairs, perhaps someone is awake up there.
>Go upstairs to find the loot
>Forget about it, go explore the rest of the first floor
>Write-in
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>>113847
Threaten the guard with the ingot, telling him you're going to make him eat it.
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Explore the rest of the first floor and tie up more people
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>>114310
As you sneak upstairs, you hear a CRY FOR HELP.
You quickly go upstairs and peek into the lit room, and you see a man and a woman. He looks like he is preparing to ATTACK.
>Interrupt him
>Watch what happens
>Write-in
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>>114560
>>Watch what happens
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>>114560
>>Write-in
Ready knife, but watch what happens.
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>>114560
Watch what happens. Have WallFriend camosneak inside room
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>>114565
>>114573
>>114647
The man swings his cane at the woman and it connects.WHERE IS IT?
Your companion hears his voice and realizes who the man is: the MERCHANT.
Alarmed and angry, he turns back to you and tells you he's going to stop him before he ruins, or even ends, another life.
He hands you the INGOT, letting you know that you're better off with it than him.
>Go with him
>Patiently watch from the shadows
>Flee
>Write-in
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>>114726
Go with him. Hey, if the man's gonna die anyways best get into them pockets early.
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>>114726
>>Go with him
Fuck him up!
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>>114726
>>Go with him
He might be a FILTHY BANDIT who is also PRINCE OF ALEXANDRIA, but he's not scum and won't let violence against women happen while he's there. Also, ready the INGOT to slap him in the face with it just because you can
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>>114726
Throw knife at the MERCHANT's leg to hobble him, then find something to set him on fire.
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>>114760
>>114778
>>114796
Reassuring him that you're not going to leave him alone, you enter the room alongside; Promptly, you both discover that 2 GUARDS were by the door side the entire time, hidden from view.
Handing the INGOT back to your ally as he needs a weapon, you brandish a DAGGER in one hand and a GOLDEN TOILET SEAT in the other. No one's going to stop MICK, the PRINCE OF ALEXANDRIA, right now, certainly not this man.
Roll for combat, 1d20 for every character with an action. Highest rolls will be taken, no rerolling your own dice.
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Rolled 10, 14 = 24 (2d20)
>>114937
For us and Wallfriend, in that order.
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>>114937
I'll tweet when I'm going to update using @sunphei, if anyone's interested that sort of thing.
Going to stop for tonight.
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Rolled 13 (1d20)
>>114937
HERP
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>>114937
Headbutt the cane out of his hands too.
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Rolled 20 (1d20)
>>115336
Once again, I fail to roll.
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Rolled 14, 7 = 21 (2d20)
Rolling for EXCEPTIONAL TOILET SEAT SKILLS and then for INGOT BLACKBELT CHAMPION MOVE.
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>>115339
>>115580
A GUARD leaps at you, bringing their sword down. With your great TOILET SEAT handling, you deflect the attack and manage to land a counter.
However, GUARD #2 thrusts his blade before you can collect yourself. Unfortunately, a TOILET SEAT is not a shield and has a rather large hole in the middle of it. The blade grazes you only by sheer luck, and you step back, relatively fine.
Your ally steps toward the MERCHANT, who exclaims, So there's the INGOT. WALLACE senses something is wrong, and brings up the ingot just as the man fires his CANE. The shot flies out and on contact with the INGOT, a resonance rips through the room.
Seeing the MERCHANT disoriented temporarily, he sends a FLYING HEADBUTT and knocks the CANE GUN out of his hand. It turns out it's also a CANE KNIFE. Thankfully the MERCHANT no longer has it now.
ECHOES of the INGOT ripple through your companions body.
He can now use magic.
Learned "Ignite"
Roll for combat.
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Rolled 3, 12 = 15 (2d20)
>>118352
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Rolled 15 (1d20)
>>118352
Roll for the cane Mick while Wally ignite the guard 2
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Rolled 5, 18 = 23 (2d20)
Roll for Mick getting the guncaneknife and for Wally igniting the guards.
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fag faggeton
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>>118393
>>118466
You dive for the CANE as WALLACE ignites GUARD #2. The magic flows through his body with little effort and starts a small fire on the GUARD's head. As the flames eat away at his gorgeous hair, he yelps, panics, and FLEES.
You manage to do a sweet ROLL, gabbing the cane and swinging the sharp end to the MERCHANT in one smooth motion.
Not fast enough, however; the man already has his BATON out. I knew someone was conspiring against me.
Roll + action once more.
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Rolled 11, 2 = 13 (2d20)
>>118909
stab merchant and if that fails throw dagger at merchant
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Rolled 1 (1d20)
>>118909
Throw the lid at him. Then get closer to finish this.
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Rolled 7 (1d20)
>>118909
Now time for some diplomacy.
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Rolled 4, 13 = 17 (2d20)
Surprise attack from Wally and SUPLEX the merchant.
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>>119268
>>119300
>>119315
You swing the cane at the MERCHANT, but it's clear that he's way too fast and experienced. Gripping the GOLDEN TOILET SEAT, you decide to go in for the surprise attack by throwing it at him. However, the GOLDEN TOILET SEAT was way too SLIPPERY for you to get a good grip, and it goes flying over.
A bit shaken up from this DISASTER, you attempt to resolve things DIPLOMATICALLY. He replies with his BATON to your face. It wasn't for naught though. It gave enough time for the woman to compose herself and launch a FALLING DOUBLE FIST DROP straight onto the MERCHANT'S HEAD. He drops like a rock.
The woman, seeing her aggressor down for the count, runs straight for the exit, colliding with both of you. You look at her and she flaunts her newly obtained INGOT and LOLLIPOP. Telling you that she's spent way too much time playing the LONG CON to give it up, she tosses you the keys to the TREASURY.
You can tell you don't have much time before more GUARDS come.
>Catch up to her while you still can
>Loot the treasury
>Write-in
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>>119730
>>Loot the treasury
Snatch and run!
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>>119730
Raid the treasury while Wallace pursues the harlot
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>>119881
>>120026
You tell your friend to go chase after the girl while you look the treasury.
When you open the door, you realize it's just a bunch of dusty old things on a shelf. Of course there's good money in the safe too, but like the idiot you are, you forgot to bring a loot bag.
Choose 3 to carry.
>Handful of coin
>Mysterious, shady-looking potion(s)
>Ring
>Ancient parchment
>Cube looking thing
>Egg?
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>>120166
The coins, the ring, and the thing that looks like a companion cube. Hard cash is always good, the ring could be valuable and maybe even magical, and the cube could hide great mysteries
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>>120216
noice
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>>120166
Mysterious, shady-looking potions are a must have.
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>>120307
And risk being transformed into a futa monster girl? Those things are too unpredictable!
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>>120326
Not to drink, just to keep around for late.
You never know when you'll need to put a shady potion in someone's drink.
Also, it's better you have it than the merchant.
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>>120166
Deffenitely coins
Potion/ring
Egg? (Pls cute animal companion)
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Just egg.
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>>120216
>>120247
>>120307
You realize that a ring would be extremely easy to carry, and you just stuck it in your satchel. Using your shirt and handkerchief, you take the cube, a potion, and as many coins you can grab.
Fleeing into the night, you laugh out as the guards try to chase you hopelessly. Soon, you see WALLACE. He sits there glum; that is, until he sees you. At first you think he's shocked at the loot, but you soon realize what he was looking at.
He manages to stammer something: P-Prince Richards?
Oh right, your disguise is busted with your handkerchief off. He kneels at your presence, ashamed of his disrespect all this time. You MICK RICHARDS, THE PRINCE OF ALEXANDRIA, say with a resigned sigh:
Stand up. I dub thee, my faithful ally...
>What do you want to call him by?
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>>120532
Call him Wally.
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>>120823
...Sir Wally. Or that's what you would have said if someone had hit you over the head with a golden toilet seat a couple of times.
You just tell him to get his ass up and help you carry this nice haul. That girl who stole from you—perhaps with Wally's help you could've nabbed her.
Oh well, nothing you can do now.
Part End. Thanks for playing!
>>
Great, OP. I look forward to any future quests from you!
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>>120943
Well OP
Didja expect that the dirty bandit turns out to be a prince?
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>>121378
Nope. I thought of making the "surprise meeting" to be with a princess maybe, but not his mother who's also the queen.
That was a nice surprise.
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>>120943
Will this continue? We must know why the PRINCE OF ALEXANDRIA become a FILTHY BANDIT.
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>>122729
Because he's a dick.
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>>122883
Thanks man, good to see this will continue
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>>120943
absolute gold. loved every turn.
Thread posts: 156
Thread images: 33
Thread images: 33