Van Jones to face criminal charges

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Alleged reporter Van Jones will face FDA investigation and likely criminal charges for the unauthorized distribution of Nothing Burgers and possibly BullShit Sandwiches.

"Sources report the only response from Jones thus far occured outside of a package store where a non-reporter chanced upon the TV personality while buying copious amounts of "Johhny Bootlegger and NightTrain." After being asked about the investigation he is quoted to have simply yelled "I dindu nuffin" over and over again until the drinks were paid for and he backed out of the parking lot in his Bubble Top Caprice."

Sources have leaked that James Comey has announced (via a third party leaker) a "scheduled leak" on Friday afternoon to reveal what are believed to be classified FBI memos discussing Van Jones' alleged Burger sales.

Updates incoming.