The Goldschloimes, a Sitcom about Orthodox Jews in New York

FADE IN
THE HOUSE, DAY, NEW YORK
KRIZZY WALKS IN

MARIANE: did you say your prayers to jesus christ honey?
KRIZZY: It's moses christ you idiot
MARIANE: Do I look like I care?
KRIZZY: Do I look like I still love you?
MARIANE withholds tears before running off stage
KRIZZY: HAVOITAVOITE
RIKKI walks in and looks at KRIZZY
RIKKI: DAAAD~ DID YOU GET THE EGGS FOR MAH NOG-CAKE
KRIZZY: Does getting smashed count?
RIKKI: NO DAAAD~
KRIZZY: HAVOITAVO-
RIKKI: Shut up...
KRIZZY: Go to your room right now, I'll be there in one moment

KRIZZY WALKS UP TO DOOR
KRIZZY tries to open door, it is locked
KRIZZY: OPEN UP NOW SON. I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU ONE HELL OF A WHIPPING. I know you'll like it...
RIKKI: Eggs!
KRIZZY: Fuck your eggs!
RIKKI: I'm a boy! I don't have fuckable eggs!
KRIZZY: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN. Urgh, if only Biggy Goldschloime wasn't taken by child protective services.
RIKKI: Why the hell did you name him Biggy -GOLDSCHLOIME- !?
KRIZZY: You watch your language son, we don't use the H word in this HOUSEHOLD!
RIKKI: Go kill yourself, KRIZZY!
KRIZZY: That's 'Go Kill Yourself, DAD,' to you!
KRIZZY storms off

SUPERMARKET, DAY, NEW YORK
KRIZZY takes a deep breath of the meat aisle
Old Lady walks by
OLD LADY: Oh my! Rabbi Goldschloime
KRIZZY: What? Grab my Goldschloime? I'LL GRAB YOUR GOLDSCHLOIME
OLD LADY: I'll have you know, it isn't gold and the only person grabbing my schloime is my husband.
KRIZZY casually lifts a bottle of 190-proof rum to his lips and takes a sip as if it was tea
KRIZZY stares her down
KRIZZY: Old Jew
OLD LADY: I'm Christian.
KRIZZY: Jew!
OLD LADY: YOU'RE A DAMN RABBI!?~
KRIZZY: Yeah, but I'm not Israeli
OLD LADY: Oh
KRIZZY: Yeah
OLD LADY: Well, I'm giving away my eggs. They'd be good for IVF or something
KRIZZY: Can I have them?
OLD LADY stabs her hand through her belly and pulls out her ovaries, handing them to KRIZZY
KRIZZY: Thanks! -he runs off-

HOME, DAY, NEW YORK
KRIZZY ENTERS WITH A BROWN, OILY BAG
KRIZZY: I GOT THE EGGS!
RIKKI looks to him. MARIANE who is on the couch, turns around to look at him. FREDDY slowly raises up from behind MARIANE.
A suspicious appearance is on FREDDY'S FACE
KRIZZY: FREDDY?
RIKKI: Oh here's just here for the cat, apparently
KRIZZY: The pussy?
RIKKI: Yeah!
KRIZZY: Ah, well, our cat is adorable. I absolutely love fluffles. BUT I'VE GOT EGGS!
KRIZZY grabs a mixing bowl, pours in ingredients and throws in the ovaries
RIKKI walks over and puts his hand in the bowl, lifting up flour, ovarie juices and butters and jams them into his mouth.
RIKKI vomits blood every where
BLACK OUT

https://pastebin.com/u/MrMongWong
Episodes 1-8 :^)

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>>130018102
Woody Allen is the best screenwriter Hollywood has ever had.
Manhattan, Annie Hall, Love and Death and Husbands and Wives have some of the best dialogue I have heard.
>also Zelig is one of my favourite comedies

>>130018563
>Directed by Mel Brooks

>>130018687
I was going to say that Woody really isn't a very good director. I think he should've been a book writer but he's smart enough to know that there's more money in film.

>>130018947
The money is in film mate.