HOLY SHIT IT'S HAPPENING

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Comey just released another memo confirming that Trump offered him extra scoops of ice cream in exchange for not leaking any more government documents to the press.

Comey claims this was not only obstruction, but it violates specific sections of the United States Ice Cream Code, requiring that any transfer or offering of more than two scoops of ice cream be registered with the Special Ice Cream Master, or in this case, a certain Chris Christie.

Mr. Comey, is expected to give clarifying comments on these leaks via a "scheduled leak" next week using a third party intermediary.

In a leaked government memo earlier this evening, it was reveal that James Comey "dindu nuffin wrong" and that Trump physically groped his vagina and forced Comey to suck his penis during their now famous grandfather clock meeting.

A parallel development, one leak (source unknown) reporters were shown a picture of Mr. Comey's personal desktop computer, and a file indicating that Trump had sexually assaulted Mr. Comey, however it was quickly observed that the picture had inadvertently revealed an open tab in the background of Mr Comey's computer which suggested a fascination with animated pornography, of various strange and embarrassing fetish genres. Me. Comey has denied the allegations and claims "his children told him about it... his children told him about it." Then he begin shouting "I'm a leaker, I'm a leaker!" According to unammed sources.