Dick measuring thread: I woke up with a spider on my face and

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Many years ago innawood a branch whapped me in a face and one of the twigs got under the corner of my eye and as myself and my brother were trying to undwedge it my eye popped out. I pushed it back in with my hand, which felt like a horrible ice cream headache. Shit still ain't right †bh.

>>766556
I once ate a steak cooked medium rare and I enjoyed it.

>>766556
Why would you scream? So it can jump into your mouth?

>>766559

Umm...yeah...you should, like, maybe go see an eye doctor when your eye pops out

>>766556

Near death experience: hiking along a trail with a several hundred foot drop to the water/rocks below. Got too close to the edge, began sliding down an embankment with loose rocks towards the edge. Literally a second away from certain death I calmly reached out and grabbed a root that was randomly poking out of the ground and stopped myself. Didn't feel scared or anything, it was weird. Only afterwards I felt the adrenaline dump.

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>>766565
no eye doctors inawoods anon

>>766569

Shouldn't have popped it back in. Should have ripped it out, used it as bait and caught a huge trout for dinner. Live and learn, anon. Live and learn.

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>>766570
that would have been clever. didn't even think of it

>>766561
Don't know if I could stomach such an overcooked peice of meat.

>>766556
>roped down from a tree
>didn't see where I was going
>landed on the face of giant ugly naked monkey
>he woke up
>I didn't even scream

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>>766559
I bet you're this guy...

>>766580
i don't even want to know

>>766556
>and didn't even scream
How's that an achievement, are you a grill?

>>766580
I'm not clicking that

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>be me
>16
>catfishing
>get a bite
>oh shit it's big one
>land it
>holding it to measure it
>mfw this motherfucker jerks and his fucking barb goes into my arm
Still have the scar, it's hard to see but it's in the pic

I'm in the 1% of the world who has a dick over 10inches. I win.

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>>766597
Pics

>>766568
Not to spook any of you, but most us have brushes with death, often, without realizing it...

>>766559
That picture is funny as fuck though

i'm australian.

had so many spiders jump out frum under the sun visor (while driving) that I check it every time now
fought an abbo while unarmed
can talk my way out of paying camping fees to rangers every time

>>766597
lulz, and 95% of women don't want you because you're stabbing their cervix.

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>>766597
Prove it.

>>766556

a mama boar charged me and I hit it in the head with a half eaten banana

>>766556
Last night I grabbed the wrong end of a makeshift fire poker (1.5 yard long steel dowel rod). I have second degree burns on my palm and all digits except for my thumb and the bottom of my pinky. I didn't scream, I just tucked my hand between my thighs and said "Damn, that's a whole hand"

>>766785
i hope you got that block of ham in cold water immediately anon

>>766786
Sure did. Dressed it, too.

>>766556
I once was getting high on pot in the woods and a spider dropped onto my arm and bit it. I knocked it off almost instantly but not fast enough.

(Keep in mind that I am high as fuck while this goes down.)

A RED LINE starts forming along the vein inside my arm from where I was bitten going up my arm.

I wonder if I am going to die from the bite or get crippled.

I decide to just let whatever happens happen.

My body fights off the infection and I am fine.

Thank god it was not a black widow or brown recluse. I don't know which kind it really was.

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I lived in the African bush for 3 months.

>>766795
>red line up the vein

Stuff of nightmares, knowing it was already in there

Asshole aggro spider

What method do you use to smoke innawoods?

>>766822
regular louse or pubic crab?

>>766574
this board is lucky to have you

>>766595
Funnily enough I can see it better in the thumbnail, do they hurt like stingrays? never been got by a catfish.

>>766675
Heh, got a mate that's got a spider phobia and had a decent huntsman on my bonnet one day, thing was clinging on even at 100 on the freeway. Stop at set of lights and it dives into the valence panel grill in front of the window of my rusty old Holden, he went from nervous to terrified and almost got out of the car and walked, makes me laugh.

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Taiwan hiking trails.. deep in da woods following the trail. Park rangers I guess decided to really test their guests strength by leaving just a rope to get you up a 200' sheer face cliff to continue the hike or to fuck off and go home.. back 8 kilometers.

I pulled myself up that bitch and continued.. greatest feeling of accomplishment ever. Seriously, I dont think I could replicate that feeling other than winning the lottery or some other major feels.

Got locked in by rain in a valley region of hawaii, crossed 8 rivers 4 feet from 100 foot waterfalls with 48 hours no food sleep/manic depressive. I later found out a helicopter was sent to pick people up from where I slept and started hiking out wish I'd stayed put. that Fuck flash flooding.
Beekeeper now. Bees crawled in nose, mouth. Stung in the face, eyes nose, yeah it makes my eyes water but I complain.

>>766835
I haven't smoked in years but Glass pipe and mid grade or better. Bic lighter. Rarely a match and then only because it felt "old school." Make sure you let your match flame up and die back, then draw from the wood part. The phosphorous tastes like chemical filth if you suck right of the burst.

>>766859
yeah, I actually get shitscared of spiders to the point where I start sweating and shaking if I see a golden orb or black house spider

worst time was when I was driving home at 3am with a mate in my mum's old camry, doing 60 coming up to a roundabout and a big fucking huntsman shows up on the inside of the windscreen
slam on brakes, barely manage to get through the roundabout then I skid to the side of the road
jump out, open window so it has a way to leave
the mate, who had heaps of outdoors experience, also hated spiders. he was a kiwi and could grab a weta barehanded but just couldn't stand spiders
eventually it crawled out, I jumped in and closed the windows, drove fast for 15 mins then ended up opening the window for fresh air
cunt shows up on my side mirror
close window, drive home and he's just sitting on the roof like he owns the fucking place

>tl;dr carry mortein in the car

>>766838
Pubic crab, obviously.

The things I've seen. Horrifying.

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>>766559
>>766569
>>766574
glorious

please, never leave this board

>>766556

I woke up with a dick on my face and didn't even scream, just felt violated.

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>>766785
>>766786
>>766789
19 hours afterwards I took this pic.

>inb4 fat

Yes, I am fat.

>>766997
If it's a straight guy doing it for banter the trick is to start sucking his dick. It turns it back on him.

>>766581
>>766588
I heard he's fine. it went above his eyeball. I tried to look for a different video, where like a whole fucking log went through this guys helmet VISOR.

yeah, some serious shit right there. sticks are dangerous as fuck. Stepped on one in my yard when I was like 13, and it went straight into my foot.

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I drove past this with only six beers in the fridge

>>766559
hahahaha. Now that would of fucking sucked.

>>767100
sup mate, where was that at?
bet these seppo poofs can't read our shit aye

So I'm hiking down a fucking trail and there's a tree half way broken on the trail, shit is dangerous, this was a day after a storm so I was just checking out the damage.
I thought to myself I got a saw and axe, I'll just drop it in case people keep going trough here. The shit was leaning half way split. I didn't realize an our the tension on it and on the first stroke of the saw the split flung shut and the hole fucking log fell on my steel toes. Shit happened fast and my gloves and tips of my middle and ring finger were pined in the Crack of the tree and my foot under the log.
I just kinda sighed, shook my head at myself cut the leather gloves at the fingers and herded my hand out and dug my boot from the under the tree. Walked a few miles on a fucked up foot with some hairline fractures and a few brakes on my fingers to report the blocked trail. Drove my happy ass home and pondered on my $100 boots that were useless now.

>>766597
10" is good..........
.....
..............
.................
........................
for anal

I got attacked by a big Alsatian while hiking in the peak district once. It was feral and to be fair it wasn't in great shape; but I guess it was hungry.

As soon as I saw it coming toward me I thought about running but realized I had no chance of escape; in that moment I made a choice. I dropped my bag and battled the dog. Unfortunately I died and now I'm a ghost that spends all my time browsing 4chan; because 4chan is actually hell.

>>767118
Kek

>>766556
beige lecruse not even poisonus unlike the brown one that has equivelant of snake bites

>>766556
I impregnated my wife while on a camping trip.

>>767100
Do aussie vehicles get low fuel economy or something?

>>766795
Shit that never happened
Big bad spiders out to get you huh anon? Fuck its funny how little normies know about this shit. Educate yourself you stupid faggot, you give potheads a bad name.

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Some of you know this story already, but my daughter has almost everyone that has posted and will post in this thread, beat.

>Go camping with daughter and some friends
>Go rock climbing with the guys while the girls stay at camp across the lake
>Hear screams coming from camp
>We rush back and find one of my friends girlfriends crying and freaking out
>Daughter nowhere to be seen
>Can't find her
>Call park ranger station and tell them whats up
>Can't find her and its 3am
>Rangers tell me to go to sleep because i'm useless when im exhausted
>Go to sleep because they're right
>Wake up wet and warm
>Think I pissed myself
>Something in my sleeping bag
>Daughter is in my sleeping bag
>Think she pissed
>Realize daughter isn't missing anymore
>Wake everyone up with my yelling
>Hugs everywhere
>Friend opens tent
>Reels back from stentch
>Other friend goes "What the fuck man"
>Realize the warm wetness is blood
>Daughter hunted down, skinned, and gutted a rabbit while she was missing
>Daughter brought it back like some kind of cat
>She's all smiles and asking how she did
>Daughter is 6-7 at the time
>Daughter evaded search and rescue for nearly 24 hours, caught and dressed a rabbit, and brought it back

Never bring your friends girlfriends camping. Picture unrelated.

>>767302
She can't >>767267

Also that is standard hunting activity for kids in rural areas.

>>767302
Confirmed for werewolf kid

>>767302
Yes, but this was her first outing.I had to give up on keeping her warngled when in the mountains and just bought the most expensive personal gps tracker I could find and stuck it to her outing belt. She knows how to make a fire and use a rifle, so now when we go out camping she'll just put on her belt, grab her rifle, and vanish for two days, then show back up all bloody and smelling like work with a big dumb smile on her face. She's gonna make a great wife, or serial killer, someday.

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>>766595
>in the arm.
How about THROUGH the finger?

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>>766580
shit

>>766561
>medium rare

Why do people do this, you've ruined the steak and still didn't cook it all the way through since they don't like the pink.

It's the worst thing to do, right in between the two options.

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>>770135
anon can eat his steak any way he wants anon and so you can

>>767100
Sure you didn't chug the six-pack before you took that pic?

I took a shit off a cliff, squatting on the narrow trail with a sure drop to my death. I had Giardia, and had to frequently shit while still putting in the mileage. I always felt like it would have made a good picture.

>>766859
This is the most British post I've ever read

>>770333
*strayan

I wrestled a mountain lion naked and drunk and fingered it so hard it screamed and ran off like a bat out of hell. My friends call the lion fucker ever since.

>>766675
>can talk my way out of paying camping fees to rangers every time

otherwise known as being a cunt until the other person gives up

>>766785

How the fuck could you grab the wrong end? You put your hand in the fire to pull out the hot end?

>>767005

>Haha you're so gay *suck suck*

>>767302

Shit that never happened: the post

>>770276
balls

>>767168
titfucks and blowjobs too

>>766561
pffft pussy. not eating it blue rare like a normal person.

welcome to the salty spitoon, how tuff are ya'?/ thread.

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>>771744
Right?
I remember when I was a lad working in the coal mine, providing for a family of 12 and running 150 head of cattle. These blokes are wussies.

>>771902
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo

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>>767271

Are you suggesting that other countries wouldnt signpost 375km without fuel.

>>767280
So the least believable part of the story was that the spider bit me?

Lol! Please stay this smart.

I probably disturbed it without realizing it. I was being a serious fool in the ex urbs (suburbs with more trees/woods,) standing right in a cluster of pine trees, having a smoke.

I was more scared of getting in trouble with the law than of dying. I went to bed, woke up fine. Whatever type bit me may not have had venom or had a weak version. The red line could have been a short term infection from bacteria that was not strong enough to over take my system.

I have a decent poison resistance as measured by bee stings, but not a super resistance. I sustained 6 in a day before. 4 hornets at once and a brown wasp and honey bee a few hours later. Took a Benadryl each time and got over it.

Rumors are that some people can withstand 100 stings, but who knows?

If stories like this are all it takes to make people disbelieve, then I need to start writing some cheap adventure fiction for the "straight to paper back" section of the book store.

The sad part is I probably would make money doing that.

>>772281
Fuck m8 you just keep proving that youre dumb as fuck. Get your head out of your ass you fuckin idiot.

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>ecologist
>working in rainforest
>leech bites me on the eyeball
>tear it off
>keep working
>leech gets in my mouth and attaches to inside of my lip
>bite it off and eat it
>keep working
>leech gets in my eye AGAIN
REE leave me alone leeches

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>>766838
KEK

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>>766597
>I'm in the 1% of the world who has a dick over 10inches. I win.

>>766597
7.5" master race
I can go balls deep without killing the chick. Still have hit the cervix on a few of them by accident so I have to be careful. But short strokes suck.

Wait, how is this related?

>>771116
Kek
Reminds me of that green text story about the "prank" brojob
Think it came from /b/

>>767118
>bet these seppo poofs can't read our shit aye

I bet these shit filled septic tank American faggots can't read our lazy speaking, made up language, right?

Honestly, this yank is wondering if he should move to upside down land. I think I'd fit in there and do better in the warner climate.

>>767302
>>Wake up wet and warm
>>Think I pissed myself
>>Something in my sleeping bag
>>Daughter is in my sleeping bag

I really thought this was devolving into /b/tier wincest

>>770333
That's obviously aussie m8

>>772941

Yeah... nah

>>766556
Saw a black bear.... Pulled my knife out. No big deal he ran

>>773031

He must have had 2 strikes already

>>766556
Survived a cougar attack. She approached me from behind very quietly and nearly got the jump on me. It would have been over after that.

Luckily she missed and now I just avoid that bar from now on.

>>773157
>not fucking it
>confirmed homo

one time i was innaAfghanistan and woke up to some insurgents that cut my head off with a rusty old knife, and i my neck hole didnt even gasp once.

>>774580
>my neck hole didnt even gasp once

kek

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Set myself on fire.