How do I go doo-doo in the woods?!?!?

Find suitable leafs check for bugs
Find a fallen log
Sit on it with your ass hanging over
And give birth to that steamy fudge demon
Wipe ass with leafs
Don't go poo near a river or smokey the bear will kill you.

>>1056397
isn't toilet paper extraordinarily biodegradable? I feel like I'd rather just pack a roll and not have to wipe my asshole with a leaf

Wait a minute.. arent we supposed dig a hole to poo in?

>>1056393
>grasp can of bug spray
>lift bottom front of shirt
>IMMEDIATELY spray belly under shirt
>repeat with back of shirt
>unfasten belt/pants
>spray insect repellent down front of pants FOR AT LEAST 2 MINUTES
>repeat with back of pants
>drop pants to the knees
>IMMEDIATELY SPRAY UPPER THIGHS, GENITALS AND TAINT FOR A FULL 3 MINUTES
>Drop pants to ankles
>spray lower legs, no time limit on this step as your can of bug spray is now empty
>squat in nearest ant pile/poison oak/poison ivy
>begin defecation
>notice that urine and runny feces is dribbling into the back of your pants
>start squat walking away from the stream of ejection with your pants around your ankles in effort to avoid the urine and feces
>can't outrun it, it seems to keep up with you
>notice you've now wandered downhill and the mess is dribbling down around your shoes as well
>finally complete evacuation
>you've now wandered too far from toilet paper
>grab handful of ants/poison oak/poison ivy to wipe with
>results unsatisfactory
>stick test finger against anus to detect fouling
>finger test positive
>try to waddle back to toilet paper
>trip on own pants, sit in shit
>give up and remove one shoe and sock
>wipe ass with sock
>place bare foot into steaming feces/urine
>replace shoe, now full of feces/urine
>pull up pants
>immediately notice 1001 insect bites on ass and genitals
>up all night scratching your beltline
>eventually learn to hold feces/urine for weeks at a time
>Now only evacuate at Taco Bell restaurants in rural towns at the edge of the wilderness
>Taco Bell has your face on wanted posters all over the world for destroying commodes
>at least they can't smell you coming

>>1056393
into geocaches

>>1056403
You're a brave male specimen who shouldn't be afraid of leafs

>>1056482
Are quebecians hairier since they're french? They should make for better wiping.

>>1056403
>not being in it for the full experience
it's like you enjoy being a normie

>>1056443
9/10 top advice

>>1056393
Just bring a roll nigga

>>1056393
1. dig a hole
2. drop pants and squat
3. shit
4. wipe with leaves, TP, newspaper or whatever
5. cover hole up

>>1056393
Protip if you poop in a river you don't have to wipe or dig a hole

File: C3FAYgWWYAAlPWI.jpg (84KB, 728x640px) Image search: [Google]

84KB, 728x640px

>>1056443

>>1056393
>Make sure your pants aren't blocking your anus
>squat
>poop
>wipe with TP, leaves, or scrape off with small stick if you have no other option.
Pretty simple Anon. Digging a hole and all that is a formality, but in a pinch, just follow the above instructions.

>drop pants

you're gonna piss and or shit on your pants it is very hard not to piss when you poo

>>1056443
Fucking saved

File: Untitled.png (23KB, 594x464px) Image search: [Google]

23KB, 594x464px

find a low hanging tree branch and hang from it like pic related. Comfy as fuck. way better than squatting. If no low branch throw a rope.

File: lakepooping.jpg (149KB, 1080x1349px) Image search: [Google]

149KB, 1080x1349px

in the lake.

File: 1499745938372.png (26KB, 594x464px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 594x464px

>>1057192

File: 12314105_1018991694826971_570043570149455866_n.jpg (43KB, 500x500px) Image search: [Google]

43KB, 500x500px

indians detected

>>1056393
Bulk buy biscuit browns from army surplus and eat as many as possible before heading out. Then you won't need to shit.

>>1056405
Recent studies have shown that that is actually worse. Current best practice is depicted in >>1056423

File: 20150308_171934.jpg (2MB, 3984x2988px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 3984x2988px

>get a good shovel/trowel
>find fallen log
>dig hole on one side of log
>sit on log, shit in hole
>wipe ass
>bury paper and poopoo

>>1057195
last i heard some guy did that and lake water slipped into his ass during the act and he got an infection in his ass from lake bacteria

>>1057722
its a mem. checked

>>1056443
i see you were also in the scouts

File: 1497462273925-o.png (913KB, 600x718px) Image search: [Google]

913KB, 600x718px

>>1056397
> not squating

File: images.jpg (3KB, 196x257px) Image search: [Google]

3KB, 196x257px

>>1056443

For any hairy, fat folk, bring a pack of those flushable wet wipes. They're biodegradable because of their design, and it really helps prevent chafing of the bum.

>all these car campers
You dig a hole with a rock, squat, and shit. You can then
1. Wipe with a leaf
or
2. Wipe with a smooth rock
or
3. Not wipe at all

Very easy. Squat shitting also takes no time at all

Are there any biodegradable baby wipes?

File: 04340bd5-c80d-4017-8cd1-1fbfc0f1b277..jpg (12KB, 231x231px) Image search: [Google]

12KB, 231x231px

>>1057131
nah, you'll just have to worry about getting your ass beaten river shitter!

>>1057950
Marine Corps
close enough

>>1056443
Have you been watching me poo, anon?

>>1057170
Piss first, you goddamn animal!

>>1057235
But why does the tree have an election?

>>1057235
*erection

File: img-thing.png (54KB, 300x300px) Image search: [Google]

54KB, 300x300px

>>1058253
because he likes it

>>1058184
See >>1058111
Pretty much all baby wipes designated as 'flushable' are biodegradable because they're designed to break apart in water. And since they're being used on the busy, they don't have any strong chemicals in them, so they pose little impact to nature.

So I've heard you can use TP and then just set it on fire. Anyone tried this? Seems legit, right?

>>1056397
>check for bugs
ALWAYS check for bugs
I wiped my ass with leaves with bunch of ants on them
they weren't happy about the situation and soon, neither was I

File: 6abd50d5bd69e98aad197055527fdd0b.jpg (86KB, 644x820px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 644x820px

>>1058268
Except in reality pretty much all baby wipes designated as flushable are "biodegradable" and should not ever actually be flushed down the toiled.
Just learn to wipe your ass you greasy fuck.

>>1058664
>he actually thinks his ass is cleaned from smushing it around with dry toilet paper
haha oh good laugh

>>1056446
my sides

>>1058688
>He literally can't wipe his ass properly
Fucking indians I swear to god.

File: Pink Dawn over Mount Fuji - Jacob Riglin.jpg (96KB, 1080x1349px) Image search: [Google]

96KB, 1080x1349px

>>1057131
>you get parasites up your stretched out asshole
>bathe in your own shit and piss
>get algae up your pee hole
>get your pants and underwear on the shoreline stolen by a racoon pervert
>have to dry off with a towel and carry that stinky wet/moist towel around

enjoy your dysentery

>>1058664
Hey, my butt is mad hairy. I need some extra assistance. I'd go for a bidet, but I'm an Amerifat and here in burgerland even saying the word bidet is considered a social crime on par with being a pedophile

>>1058664
They're biodegradable, but you definitely shouldn't actually be flushing them. They take way too long to decompose in the pipe and just coagulate and clog everything up

>>1058803
Honestly you should just learn to shave it.
It's genuinely the comfies thing to take a shit with a clean shaven buttcrack after having had a hairy one for a long time.
It also gives a really good example of just how convenient it is.

>>1056393
Be a bear.

>Next question.
I'm not a catholic, am I the Pope?

>>1058807
This, I finally shaved mine a few weeks ago and it made life much easier

>>1058807
How the fuck do you shave something you can't see

File: c46d9bfc-3626-4117-aa36-f6c5816efa0a..jpg (1MB, 1444x1444px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1444x1444px

>>1059908
it's kind of like using the force.

feel, don't think.

>>1056393

>Be me 3 weeks ago
>Camping in remote but beautiful woods on gf's family land
>Go exploring wading down a creek
>creek varies in depth from 1 foot to 6 feet
>Me, gf, and her redneck cousin and his gf
>I have IBS
>I feel the sudden pressure, the pain, the burning
>I have to diarrhea. Tell them to go ahead without me, I'll catch up
>Luckily for me there's a flat patch of rocks just off the bank
>Spray and pray. As the gods would have it none got on my shoes
>30 seconds into it the flies show up, seriously it made it hard to keep things moving
>Decide I'm done, but none of the leaves of any of the plants around me are big enough to use, much less not suspicious looking or spiky or fuzzy
>Since I'm sitting on a pile of smooth creek-worn rocks, use them to wipe my ass. I choose them carefully, the smoothest ones
>One kinda went in my butthole just a little bit, unsure how I felt about this
>Leave pile of diarrhea liquid poop and diarrhea soaked rocks nearby
>Catch up and play it cool, luckily wading through a creek for an hour washed away any evidence of my sins

Pooping outdoors sucks

>>1056393
>Find ivy free tree
>dig hole under ass
>squat either hanging from or leaning on tree
>relax sphincter
>defecate
>wipe ass and bury leavings to biodegrade via wormfriends

Bears shit in rivers. Why can't we?

>>1060444
>fewer than a million bears whurldwide
>7 billion people
literally anything the human race gets into the habit of doing causes fucking problems. landfills overflowing with coffee pods and fidget spinners, groundwater thoroughly contaminated with hormones, birth control, and statins, island of plastic bigger than Texas clogging the Pacific.

my odin have mercy on the planet if we all start riverschidding

i like to yell bear attack, and shit on the fire why everyones gone.

>>1060446
>my odin have mercy on the planet if we all start riverschidding
in india this has been a thing a long time and people bathe and wash clothes in the same water.

>>1056423
when a few years ago i made an offhand comment about the practicality of shitting in creeks and rivers i never would have imagined one day river shitting will become a widespread phenomenon or even a movement with a large supporting community.

peoples first reaction was disbelief disgust and even anger. but i see now many came to appreciate the simple wisdom behind it.

File: india.jpg (1MB, 1494x990px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 1494x990px

>>1060862
>>1060862
its a shame they dont believe in the all father then isnt it?

>in india this has been a thing a long time and people bathe and wash clothes in the same water.


and now they are all doo-doo brown people because of it

>>1056397
Bury your poops a foot down, like dig hole, then poop in hole.

squat with back against a tree. wipe ass. pull up pants.

what the fuck is the confusion?

>>1058377
Only if you shit powder. Wait. How flammable is human poop?
Be right back. Testing a theory

>>1058476
Kek

>>1060870
In my country the average creek innawoods is safe to drink. Anyone who catches you shitting there will make you eat it.

>>1061285
yeah if you think the animals don't shit and piss into those or don't die and rot in them you are retarded.

>>1061283
if it's dry herbivore shit burns well because it's full of fibers. i imagine same is true for vegan shit in case of humans.

>>1057722
nice b8 m8

>>1057954
>wanting the log to hit your pants/shoes

>>1057741
that's why you bring along a small tube to insert into yourself to let the water out afterwards

>>1056393
Go to your local library or used book store and read this:
How to Shit in the Woods, Second Edition: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art https://www.amazon.com/dp/0898156270/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_VhPBzb7CZ65TZ

Link for the lazy and an entertaining read. Not sure if there are any good seeds or tracker links since I have a copy.

>>1063056
do the book come with additional blank pages that's intended to be used to wipe yourself?

>>1063058
That'd be funny.

>>1063061
if you weren't to give yourself papercuts, that is

>>1056443
my sides haven't hurt this bad in months