What's the worst review you've ever read?

File: lbkVRfT.png (120KB, 333x333px) Image search: [Google]

120KB, 333x333px

>MBDTF 6/10

/thread

Probably one of those pages-long schizophrenic ramblings from RYM that describes a person's every action throughout a day, complete with dialogue, and has literally nothing to do with the album at hand

that one autechre review by pitchfork that they wrote in the form of a play

File: 1463212450482.jpg (84KB, 364x423px) Image search: [Google]

84KB, 364x423px

rolling stone's review of 'songs of leonard cohen'

>calls cohen's voice awful
>says half the songs are "flaming shit"
>says only 4 songs are worth anything
>calls it pretentious and a bad bob dylan parody (??)

>still gives it 5/5

>>74366988
I can't believe that actually exists

File: dumb.png (29KB, 811x205px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 811x205px

>>74366973
those always annoy me

>>74366931

>>74366907
"Melodic"

Some early Souvlaki reviews make me wanna cry

Christgau wrote this about Hot Rats:

Doo-doo to you, Frank--when I want movie music I'll listen to "Wonderwall." C

and he also called ITCOTCK 'ersatz shit'

how does that retard have a job again?

Pure Guava [Elektra, 1992]
It's to the half-credit of these Bucks County wise guys that the studio amenities of their major-label debut impel them toward fucked-up sounds, which come hard, rather than fucked-up songs, which they write without thinking (and how). But I don't buy the claim that they'll do anything for a laugh. Ever since they went on about pussy for nine minutes (good idea) in a Princey blues-minstrel drawl (bad one), I've assumed they were the kind of rec-room gigglefritzes who enjoy a good nigger joke when they're sure their audience is sophisticated enough to enjoy it. And to be perfectly honest, I don't hear one of those here. C+

Any Pitchfork review written after 2009.

That one RYM review of Tiger Trap or some other twee album, you know the one.

>>74367089
>>74367177
those old p4k reviews are ghastly. i remember that super popular everclear album getting 8.2

>>74367833
Also before.

>>74366995
this is awful

File: 33fc50ecd0518dce7a93fa9bd6a5e014.png (386KB, 1092x725px) Image search: [Google]

386KB, 1092x725px

Unironically
https://consequenceofsound.net/2017/07/album-review-tyler-the-creator-scum-fuck-flower-boy/

>>74366995
Why would you go and post that on the internet. You're better off writing your fantasies on a diary.

>>74368200
this

https://rateyourmusic.com/collection/Sheogorath/reviews,ss.r

Literally anything this dude writes.
His Madvillainy is the most pretentious thing ever written.

>>74366995
Holy fucking shit dude. And it's actually really well written for how horrifically deluded it is. This guy needs prayers.

>>74366907
but zaireeka is literally shit. its "lets do something wacky even though artistically it has no value at all" core

>>74368402
this dude has zero credibility at all. He have Slipknot and Skrillex 4/5 but Madvillian a 1.5/5

the fuck

>>74368067
they've mostly disowned their old 0.0 reviews

>>74366979
did this actually happen? because I could believe it

>>74369722
http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/368-untilted/

File: 1484681171420.jpg (43KB, 486x485px) Image search: [Google]

43KB, 486x485px

>>74366995

>>74368402
how does this guy exist

who listens to so much stuff that they hate

>>74367329
PROG-FAGS BTFO

>>74366995
came here to post this

Pitchfork's review of Lateralus

Can't find him right now, but there's this one Amazon reviewer who gives one-star ratings to universally acclaimed albums and instead recommends the listener try "real music" like [insert obscure hard rock/metal group here].

Review of a gigantic box set featuring the complete recordings of Charley Patton:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RHHZTBENHTRYN/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00005QD75#RHHZTBENHTRYN

>Charlie Patten is pretty cool and stuff, I heard his records and there pretty dope and he's got the blues and can scarcely be satisfied, but if you wanna hear some real DOWN-HOME gritty ol skool dity blues, check out KEB MO. When I listed (and you listen) to Keb Mo' you can just smell that cotton, you feel like you're on a mystical plantation and ol Scratch is peekin' out from behind the shack waitin' for you to stroll down to the crossroads with you're Les Paul on your back. On Pattin's CDs, its recorded so bad that all you hear is loud scratches like fingernails on chaukboard!!!!! LOL!!!! It's cool for a history lesson, but let's get down to the nitty gritty please! Keb Mo' is the way to go' fo' sho, although Kid Johnny Lang is way up there too.

File: 635736735673546356.png (122KB, 817x957px) Image search: [Google]

122KB, 817x957px

No one will top this

Pitchfork's review of the Foetus album Love

Fantano's review of The Age of Adz is up there too

>>74366988
that rating must of come long after, because there's no way the review was a 5/5. it reads like a 3/5 at best

>>74366988
>bad bob dylan
>5/5
thats rolling stone for you I guess

>>74370593
Christgau wants to fuck black boys, what's new?