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>>74196138
at least he's starting to realize hip hop > rock

reeeeeeeeeee how can he hate metuhlz what a pleb!

>>74196138
Stop sucking his cock so loudly, there are children here.

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>>74196138
Do people honestly take this person seriously? His ratings seem like an actual, pandering joke

>>74196164
He's a stupid fucking poptimist. Of course he would think that.

>>74196138
I don't understand why he gives almost all of Fountains of Wayne's albums "A's" but Cheap Trick can't seem to get past a "B" at best.

>>74197938
calm down white boi

>>74196138
I wonder how many times Michael musto sucked his dick

>>74196164
who cares, hes exactly the type of fag who would think that

>>74196215
daily reminder that he hates metal because it is too masculine for him.

I personally hate metal myself, just not as much as I hate this boring snarky lisper

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>>74198220
>metal
>masculine

lel
try hip hop

>>74198220
I mean he was 30 when metal was becoming popular. Every normal person over 30 doesn't care about metal

>>74198249
numalechart.jpg

>>74197949
I just looked through some more of his ratings (I don't really read any music critics). Holy shit, this guy is REALLY phoning it in on his ratings. He gave almost every dogshit album I saw an A or A-, most of the time artists all seem to get the same sort of grades for every album (all A's or B's, etc)

>>74196138
>Simon and Garfunkel: Bridge Over Troubled Water
>Melodic. B

>>74198297
30? If you listen to metal past 14 you're doing something wrong.

>>74198655
>Holy shit, this guy is REALLY phoning it in on his ratings. He gave almost every dogshit album I saw an A or A-
What clued you in? When he gave 75% of Bruce Springsteen's discography an A?

>>74200521

To his defense, most critics thought bruce was the second coming of dylan. American rock's savior

he still writes reviews for Noisey

>>74200550
The media at that time were frantically looking for the next Bob Dylan. If Springsteen didn't exist, they would have to invent him.

Christgau really really loves black music, so take that for what you will. He's pretty good at reviewing hip-hop for the most part, he seems to understand the stuff and how it works. With metal though, a lot of times I have to wonder if he's listening to the same album I am.

BULLSHIT NECROMANCY

Crosby, Stills, and Nash [Atlantic, 1969]

Rated by request, I've written elsewhere that this album is perfect, but that is not necessarily a compliment. Only David Crosby's vocal on "Long Time Gone" saves it from a special castrati award. Pray for Neil Young. B+

I'll give him points for destroying Frank Zappa.

Pieces of Eight [A&M, 1978]

Wanna know why Starcastle are heavying it up? They want to go platinum just like Styx. Fortunately, they haven't yet gotten around to the cathedral organ. C-

Ten [Epic, 1991]

in life abuse justifies melodrama. in music, riffs work just as good ("Once", "Even Flow"). *

>>74200571

You might be right......but he fit the bill. Imagine if they'd went with John Cougar Menstrual Cramp instead....

Hybrid Theory [Warner Bros., 1999]

the men don't know what the angry boys do ("Papercut", "Points of Authority"). *

>>74196138
I still wonder how the FUCK is he paid to write "reviews" that are just one or two lines long and mostly random gibberish that has little to do with the actual music.

The River [Columbia, 1980]

All the standard objections apply. His beat is still clunky, his singing overwrought, his sense of significance shot through with Mazola Oil. He's too white and too male, though he's decent enough to wish he weren't; too unanalytic and fatalistic, though his eye is sharp as can be. Yet by continuing to root his writing in the small victories and large compromises of ordinary joes and janies whose need to understand as well as celebrate is as restless as his own, he's grown into a bitter empathy. These are the wages of young romantic love among those who get paid by the hour, and even if he's only giving forth with so many short fast ones because the circles of frustration and escape seem tighter now, the condensed songcraft makes this double album a model of condensation--upbeat enough for a revery there, he elaborates a myth about the fate of the guys he grew up with that hits a lot of people where they live. A-

>>74200429
lul

Superstar Car Wash [Metal Blade, 1993] :(

A Boy Named Goo [Metal Blade, 1995] :(

Dizzy Up The Girl [Warner Bros., 1998] *bomb*

>>74201358
This is correct though. Goo Goo Dolls are shit.

>>74200839
Ditto ABBA.

he is the king of plebs

>>74201597
Nah, buttrock fans like you are the plebs.

>>74201358

jesus, he actually nailed this one. maybe I owe him an apology

Total creep, snob and very narrow taste.

Worst successful critic.

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>>74196138
imagine being such a beta that metal intimidates you

On Avery Island [Merge, 1996] :(

In The Aeroplane Over The Sea [Merge, 1998] :(

Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables [Cherry Red, 1980]

I want there to be more punk rock, I do, I do. I want there to be more left-wing New Wave. By Americans, I swear. But not by an out of work actor with Tiny Tim vibrato who spent the first half of the 70s inventing rock cabaret. And it sounds as if, although I'm being generous here, that Jello Biafra started listening to the Stooges in 1977. C-

Audioslave [Interscope, 2002] *bomb*

Out of Exile [Interscope, 2005] *bomb*

>>74196138
This guy is such an asshole. Instead of explaining why he doesn't like an album he just puts a stupid bomb sign or something.

>>74202490
>>74202413
>>74202475
>>74201358
These are 100% correct though.

Disintegration [Elektra, 1989]

With the transmutation of junk a species of junk itself, an evasion available to any charlatan or nincompoop, it's tempting to ignore this patent arena move altogether. But by pumping his bad faith and bad relationship into depressing moderato play-loud keyb anthems far more tedious than his endless vamps, Robert Smith does actually confront a life contradiction. Not the splintered relationship, needless to say, although the title tune is a suitably grotesque breakup song among unsuitably grotesque breakup songs. As with so many stars, even "private" ones who make a big deal of their "integrity," Smith's demon lover is his audience, now somehow swollen well beyond his ability to comprehend, much less control. Hence the huge scale of these gothic cliches. And watch out, you mass, 'cause if you don't accept this propitiation he just may start contemplating suicide again. Or take his money and go home. C+

Leftoverture [Kirshner, 1976]

Wanna know the difference between American art-rockers and their European counterparts? They're campier, they don't play as fast, and their fatalism lacks conviction. As amusing as I find song titles like "Father Padilla Meets The Gnat", I find no parallels in the music itself. D+

Hi Infidelity [Epic, 1980]

I'm not saying they deserve the biggest-selling album of their crummy era, but these boys have always known a thing or two about the hook and the readymade. Best song--"Tough Guys", which will never make the radio because it features this inspirational verse--"They think they're full of fire/She thinks they're full of shit". B-

>>74201890
Christgau loves buttrock though

>>74202269
>imagine being such a beta that metal intimidates you
Well, Christgau doesn't have to imagine it. He's a proto nu-male.

>>74198249
>metal
>masculine
>lel
>try hip hop
If you honestly think hip hop is masculine, you're beyond saving.

>>74200839
>destroying Frank Zappa.
How exactly did he do that? By his usual eloquent method of saying absolutely nothing about music?

>>74202966
If it reminds him of Chuck Berry, like say, Aerosmith--he's not so big on Pantera.

>>74203315
^This. Only angry NEET neckbeards listen to metal and prog.

Christgau rates albums based on how much pussy he thinks the artist gets. Once you see it, you won't be able to unsee it.

>>74203541
Is more pussy the better or worse?

>>74203553
You tell me.

Dirty Mind [Warner Bros., 1980]

After going gold in 1979 as an utterly uncrossedover falsetto love man, he takes care of the songwriting, transmutes the persona, revs up the guitar, muscles into the vocals, leans down hard on a rock-steady, funk-tinged four-four, and conceptualizes--about sex, mostly. Thus he becomes the first commercially viable artist in a decade to claim the visionary high ground of Lennon and Dylan and Hendrix (and Jim Morrison), whose rebel turf has been ceded to such marginal heroes-by-fiat as Patti Smith and John Rotten-Lydon. Brashly lubricious where the typical love man plays the lead in "He's So Shy," he specializes here in full-fledged fuckbook fantasies--the kid sleeps with his sister and digs it, sleeps with his girlfriend's boyfriend and doesn't, stops a wedding by gamahuching the bride on her way to church. Mick Jagger should fold up his penis and go home. A

>>74203581
God damn you can just tell how pent up and insecure this poor guy is.

I don't know a way to describe it but it's as if a horny nerdy teen became wrinkled and old without any actual growing up

>>74203473
Not what I was getting at.

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>>74203609
And then there's this.

Back in Black [Atlantic, 1980]

Replacing Aerosmith as primitives of choice among admirers of heavy machinery, these Aussies are a little too archetypal for my tastes. Angus Young does come up with killer riffs, though not as consistently as a refined person like myself might hope, and fresh recruit Brian Johnson sings like there's a cattle prod at his scrotum, just the thing for fans who can't decide whether their newfound testosterone is agony or ecstasy. AC/DC can't decide either--"Shoot to Thrill," "Given [sic] the Dog a Bone," and "Let Me Put My Love Into You" all concern the unimaginative sexual acts you'd imagine, and "What Do You Do for Money Honey" has a more limited set of answers than the average secretary would prefer. My sister's glad they don't write fantasy and science fiction, and if you're female you're free to share her relief. Brothers are more deeply implicated in these matters. B-

Christgau dislikes metal because he feels sexually threatened by the virile metal barbarians.

>>74200521
well most of Springsteen's discography is pretty great

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>>74203768
>well most of Springsteen's discography is pretty great

>>74203333
Well, you tell me.

Hot Rats [Bizarre, 1969]
Doo-doo to you, Frank--when I want movie music I'll listen to "Wonderwall." C
Chunga's Revenge [Bizarre, 1970]
Like Bobby Sherman, Zappa is a selfish exploiter of popular taste. That Bobby Sherman wants to make money while Zappa wants to make money and emulate Varese is beside the point--if anything, Zappa's aestheticism intensifies his contempt for rock and its audience. Even Hot Rats, his compositional peak, played as much with the moods and usages of Muzak as with those of rock and roll. This is definitely not his peak. Zappa plays a lot of guitar, just as his admirers always hope he will, but the overall effect is more Martin Denny than Varese. Also featured are a number of "dirty" jokes. C+

Apostrophe (') [DiscReet, 1974]
Disillusioned acolytes are complaining that he's retreated, which means he's finally made top ten, but that's just his reward for professional persistence. If anything, the satire's improved a little, and the title piece--an improvisation with Jack Bruce, Jim Gordon, and rhythm guitarist Tony Duran--forays into quartet-style jazz-rock. Given Frank's distaste for "Cosmik Debris" you'd think maybe he's come up with something earthier than Mahavishnu, but given his distaste for sex you can be sure it's more cerebral instead. B-

Sheik Yerbouti [Zappa, 1979]
If this be social "satire," how come its sole targets are ordinary citizens whose weirdnesses happen to diverge from those of the retentive gent at the control board? Or are we to read his new fixation on buggery as an indication of approval? Makes you wonder whether his primo guitar solo on "Yo' Mama" and those as-unique-as-they-used-to-be rhythms and textures are as arid spiritually as he is. As if there were any question after all these years. C

>>74203791
Just Another Band From L.A. [Bizarre/Reprise, 1972]

You said it Frank, not me. C

Distinctions Not Cost Effective [1980s]: Oh, shut up.

>>74203775
you haven''t even listened to it, have you?
maybe heard "Born in the USA" a few times on the radio and decided Springsteen was garbage and not worth giving a shit about?
HIs first six albums are some of the best rock music ever made.

But I get it, I hated him once, too (and Born in the USA is a terrible song). However, when I actually gave him and his music an honest attempt, I was very glad I did.

>Is the self-titled Dean of American Rock Critics
>self-titled

into the trash he goes

>>74203791
>>74203813
Again, these are nothing but eloquent ways of saying absolutely nothing about music and personal attacks. And do you realize why he's doing that? It's because of the infancy of "rock" music criticism. What's more, why would Zappa have been recognized by the academia and have his works conducted by Pierre Boulez of all people if Christgau is right?
https://youtu.be/h0NwiTHIhGM

>>74203837
>HIs first six albums are some of the best rock music ever made.
None of Springsteen's depressing whinefests about the Rust Belt are my idea of fun rock-and-roll, and his singing/playing skills are marginal at best.

Master of Puppets [Elektra, 1986]

I feel at a generational disadvantage with this music not because my weary bones can't take its power and speed but because I was born too soon to have my dendrites rerouted by progressive radio. This band's momentum can be pretty impressive, and as with a lot of fast metal (as well as some sludge) they seem to have acceptable political motivations--antiwar, anticonformity, even anticoke, fine. But the revolutionary heroes I envisage aren't male chauvinists too inexperienced to know better; they don't have hair like Samson and pecs like Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's the image Metallica calls up, and I'm no more likely to invoke their strength of my own free will than I am The 1812 Overture's. B-

>>74203963
Which makes it all the more puzzling why Christgau would ball-polish Springsteen because he seems to do practically everything he doesn't like in music, which is that long, slow, maudlin AOR sound that you can't dance to.

>>74204054
>long, slow, maudlin AOR sound that you can't dance to
you really never listened to Springsteen's pre-mid-'80s output, didn't you?
e.g.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EooiBaW1BA

>>74198170
he doesnt think shit he doesn't even like music he is jewish hyper feminine new york snark cryptic taste signalling cuntery in lieu of an actual person he's an old cunt who thinks he's at the cutting edge blowing your mind when he says actually i like young nigger thug bet you werent expecting that

>>74204561
He's not Jewish though, actually he was raised in a super-Christfag family and his brother is a minister.

>>74204583
doesn't matter he's more jewish than all the jews put together

>>74197961
He likes shitty pop rap like Nicki. Not the guy thst you were replying but im not white

>>74204583
>He's not Jewish though, actually he was raised in a super-Christfag family
Explains the irrational fear of anything other than the good ol' rock & roll mom and dad used to listen to. Has he claimed that anything other than safe blues rock is demonic? I can almost see it.

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>>74204583
Christgau claims to be a fedora but he was still definitely influenced by his upbringing which is why he gets unnerved about anything he thinks is demeaning to wimminz..

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>>74200521
Bruce Springsteen is the epitome of "epic". After Bob Dylan and before the Ramones, he was one of the few musicians capable of transforming the mood of an entire generation into a "sound". If the rules to judge the significance of an artist are that a) he be indifferent to fads and trends; b) that his lyrics dig deep into his era and resonate with the souls of millions of people; c) that each record be, de facto, a concept album; d) that each song send shivers down the spine even without a catchy melody; then Springsteen is one of the greatest of all times.