The Great List of Hipster Bands

> I am 17 years old, but have already accumulated all of the world's vast knowledge and have decided to generously share it with you. I find exorbitant amounts of intellectual stimulation in low-fi indie, chamber pop, chamber grindcore, adult coporntemporary fi-low, folk adult contemporary, folk adultery, low-fi ambient indie folk adultery, contemporary folk adultery, folk indie, low-fi-low indie, fi-low-low hip-hop, conscious hip-hop, indie hip-hop, low-fi post-hip-hop, drone, ambient indie drone, noise drone, noisecore drone, dronecore noise, ambient coredrone noise, low-fi adult indie, trve black metal low-fi, post-rock, post-low post-fi post-punk, post-indie, post-adulterous low-fi indie drone, and...

>No, wait. Got confused there for a moment. Getting senile. Start again.

>I am a smug putz aged 4357848678 who loves making lists and writing pointless, silly rants. I can't take myself very seriously so neither should you. Coz if you do take my rants seriously that means you will be taking me more seriously than I am! And that would be pretty damn silly, right?

fucking hell, imagine being this guy

>>73652934
My God I feel dirty for having skimmed through the whole thing

This is too much effort to be a satire.

>>73652984
I'll just keep dumping the rest of his bio, this is cringe gold
Here's the first rant, free of charge. Be afraid, be very afraid.

An increasing number of music fans (on the internet at least) are what I refer to as fashionistas, i.e. not true fans but people easily distracted by image, fads, fashion, hype, personality, politics, "the hipness factor", and other nonsense that essentially has nothing to do with the music itself - and yet they profess their love for "music". Some of them are self-esteem-lacking hipsters, some are merely bored and looking for a hobby. A number of them seem to be in it just to pamper their egos, to gain respect(!) from their peers by being "hip" which usually means impersonating some sort of "rock intellectuals" who find layers of non-existent depth and quality in various over-hyped image-laden poseur rock bands. Here are a few tips for these people - but also for anyone else who considers themselves a music fan:

>>73653429
>1) Music is all about the music: a simple enough concept which many nevertheless struggle with. It's not about the lyrics. They are secondary, or often even entirely irrelevant. How words phonetically compliment the music is a lot more important than what they mean. They should merely be a bonus, an icing on the cake, not an end in itself. You want "deep philosophy"? Read a good book. You will find a lot more wisdom even in mediocre books than in the pompous non-thoughts of semi-literate, know-it-all rock stars; the rock world being a breeding ground for wannabe "thinkers" i.e. egomaniacs with delusions of grandeur. (Their sense of proportion gets skewered much for the same reasons a dictator starts thinking he is master of the universe: adoring crowds.) If you're looking for intellectual stimulation, rock music - or just music in general - is the wrong place to seek it. It's basically like looking for cooking tips in the Premier League - simply the wrong place for any matters concerning food. (OK, the comparison is maybe slightly idiotic. I love dumb analogies.) After all, classical music was mostly non-vocal: it was about the MUSIC, in other words. (Our ancestors were so much less pretentious than we are. It appears that a comfortable lifestyle, brought about by all the excessive conveniences that the scientific age gave us, makes people spoiled hence bored and lacking focus. Boredom more often than not leads to stupid activities and wacko ideologies: couch philosophers usually have no sense of reality, and once you trade your realism for a bag of chips, then all common sense goes out the window with it. After all, how many hipsters were there among the young people who'd celebrated the end of WW1? WW2?

>>73653452
>There is a certain kind of "clarity of vision" one gets when one is exposed to hardship and immediate danger. And reversely, when one is totally safe, cozy, tucked up and well-fed, then boredom, decadence, self-centeredness and idiocy start running rampant. I guarantee you that the number of hipsters will fall drastically in the aftermath of the next great war. Somehow I just can't picture millions of soldiers coming back from years of combat duty and wanting to listen to Neutral Milk Hotel or Sigur Ros. I just don't see it.)

>2) Just because something was recorded in the 70s doesn't mean it has to be brilliant. Great music can come from any time, any place. Don't get fixated on eras (the "hip" 70s) or territories (the even "hipper" early-90s Seattle or Manchester). Likewise, don't focus just on newer bands, the way young zombie sheep flock to watch only new, hyped Hollywood blockbusters while ignoring all the classics. Check out music from all eras - the modern era in fact should be last on your priority list. Listen with your ears, and without prejudice. (Oh boy, I am asking people to listen without prejudice... Fat chance!)

>3) Just because music "experts" (remember: I am the only music expert) drool all over an album or a band doesn't mean it's great - or even good. Or even average. Mass hysteria - which has the same properties as an avalanche - isn't limited to political rallies or religious gatherings: it is quite common in the music world, as well. Hype is like a virus: it spreads quickly and its hosts aren’t even aware they’re its victims, just as hipsters aren't aware they're hipsters. Or have you ever seen a self-aware zombie? There are different types of hype, not just corporate hype. There is also underground hype, which is based on the bizarre logic that if something can't sell i.e. can't be mainstream and is unlistenable and scares people, it must be therefore good.

>4) Listen to music to enjoy yourself and to relax your brain - not as a means to impress other people with your "artiness" or supposed "understanding" of multi-layered hidden or semi-hidden meanings and messages in the mostly overrated lyrics. (Try not to mistake corny lyrics for philosophical musings - a trap young people in particular are susceptible due to their relative inexperience and lack of knowledge of music history. The arrogance of youth leads to all sorts of embarrassing shit.) Even worse is if you try to impress your peers by nitpicking over very minor technical aspects of a recording, such as "the high-hats sound so bad, and that's why that album sucks". Your complexes should be addressed by a shrink; presenting yourself as a quasi-intellectual rock-lover won't rid you of your frustrations. You must first learn to love yourself as you are (even those of you who are wholly unlovable; although, ironically, it's often the most unpleasant people who love themselves excessively); only then can you learn to enjoy the music that truly gives you pleasure. If indeed music does give you pleasure; not everyone needs to love music. Not everyone needs to make music their hobby. There are hundreds of other hobbies. You don't have to follow your friends. Do your own thing. Go hiking. Build model ships.

>5) Grow some balls, and grow some confidence in your music taste. Trust your own ears rather than the opinion of the majority, whether they be the Wal-Mart majority or the rabid hipster "minority" that dominate internet sites. If your ears are badly tuned and cannot distinguish between good and bad music - well, then, you won't know that, will you? What you don't know can't hurt you, so just enjoy the music that appeals to you, whether it be great, average, or crap (which if you've got crap ears is all the same to you anyway). Certainly ignore MY reviews which are anyway pretty daft.

>>73653481
>6) I often read people say: "I really want to like this album, but". If you don't like something - then you don't like it. If you ever find yourself saying this, that means you've fallen into either a hipster trap or some other kind of a peer-pressure trap that tries to dictate to you what is hip and what isn't, what you're supposed to and what you're not supposed to listen to and like. Because otherwise why would you feel pressure to "have to like" an album that you don't like? Ignore all peer pressure groups. They're clueless. You're your own best judge.

>7) Don't ever be embarrassed about liking music and bands that aren't "hip", that aren't accepted by the pretentious Neutral Sigur Milk Ros Hotel crowd or any other crowd of self-absorbed egocentrics. What the hell do they know. They are all closet ABBA fans, anyway; they have Iron Maiden albums secretly stashed away in a cupboard. If you have to hide your music, then you've missed the whole point, not to mention a coward.

>8) Just because a song is catchy does not mean it is crap: a key flaw in the hipster rule-book. If your ears enjoy a piece of music then to you that music is good - and that's all that matters. Only snobs i.e. idiots consider catchy melodies to be bad by definition. Many classical composers had extolled the virtues of writing melodies that stick into the ear. Music is supposed to stick in the ear. If it doesn’t then it has failed miserably. Anyone can write a tune that's boring.

>9) Just because an album is geared for the mass-market doesn't always mean it has to be bad. Don’t be a snob: you will miss out on some fine music.

>10) Just because an album is totally anti-commercial or underground or bizarre is far from a guarantee of its quality. Don’t be a snob: you will waste your time on crap you don’t like just because other deluded snobs expect you to listen to it.

>>73653429
What does he listen to anyway?

>>73653497
>11) Be suspicious of any kind of overt "rebellion", because often it is the non-talents who use this phony image to distract from their crap music. They attract people who aren't true music fans. Shit attracts shit: the most fundamental law of quantum-sewer physics.

>12) Just because a track is 10 minutes long - and/or very complex - doesn't mean you should ignore it, or give up on it after 2-3 minutes. If you sense even a smidgen of potential in it, give it a few more listens before giving up on it. Neither simplicity nor complexity defines the quality of a piece of music. Don't impose limitations such as "no lengthy songs" or "no technical wankery" on yourself. Such silly rules are what hipsterism is about. You don't have to like EVERYTHING, you can have preferences, but at least check everything out before condemning it.

>13) Don't let the political orientation of a band affect your judgment. Great music is great no matter who wrote and performed it, and shit music will always be shit no matter how many times it is supposed to have saved the world. Once recorded, music is separate from its host, and exists in its own universe.

>14) Don't let the way musicians dress fool you, impress you, or affect your judgment. If fashion is what you're interested in, then get a subscription for Vogue magazine, don't bother with music.

>15) Don't believe the hype. Don't trust it.

>16) Don't resent the hype. Ignore it. Whether something is hyped or not should not affect your choice of music. Neither a sheep nor a snob should you be.

>>73653498
Mostly babbys first experimental rock like Patton and Devin Townsend mixed with babbys first heavy metal like Iron Maiden but also Abba and Kate Bush to seem eclectic

>Mastodo or Mastodon't? The band-name itself gives you the answer - before the music itself confirms it.

Mastodon't.

>>73653429
It's not even that bad aside from his pompous attitude about it.

>>73653538
>17) Focus patiently on each album (unless it's total crap from the get-go, obviously). In the computer era, MP3s and YT have given us easy-peasy access to tons of music, and as a result we all have long lists of albums and bands waiting their turn. But this should never be an excuse to rush through albums, because if quantity wins over quality ("hey, managed to get through 100 albums this month!") then you've already lost as a listener. If you only give albums with potential one spin, you will miss out on some great music that requires numerous spins. Ask yourself the question: "am I rushing through albums in order to impress people with my amazing high number of rated albums?" Answer honestly, and if the answer is "yes", then you might want to pursue a different hobby because music-listening isn't a sport. People who have managed to already hear 10,000 albums (especially younger people) can be one of three things: either clueless about how to select what might have potential so they pick albums randomly, or they treat music as a sport (a numbers game: the more the better), or they have zero criteria and like basically most bands.

>18) RYM is a great site for people who already have an identity, know who they are, and already have a developed music taste. Things are a little different if you enter the realm of RYM clueless and searching for an identity, because that might just turn you into a clone. "Hm, I guess I'll just like all that stuff that's at the top of RYM's music charts!" Bad idea, kids. That often leads to hipsterism.

>>73653562
>19) While RYM charts are visually very neat and a lot of fun, they are flawed, as all charts are. There are music fans who are clearly too obsessed with them, who even make lists about the charts and study those charts religiously, and base their entire listening experience on popular chart albums - forgetting that the charts are a result of thousands of regular Joes voting, not music geniuses. There is plenty of rubbish and mediocrity at the top of the charts, so don't trust them blindly just because it's "majority opinion". We all know how flawed majority opinion can be: just look at the Billboard charts. (Or any political election.) It's not about how many people like an album, it's WHO those people are. For example, Bieber sells 10 million albums and people are impressed by that number - despite the fact that 99% of those buyers are hormonally-challenged teeny-boppers.

>20) "I decided to open an account just to have people like me. In order to be liked and respected, I chose to include all those bands that top the site's charts, all those pseudo-intellectual, musically vacuous or mediocre hipster bands so that the hipster community takes me in as one of their own." If this describes your reasoning for joining the site, please go back and read the previous points again.


>Quite a rant, huh? I did warn you though. Sure, a lot of these points may seem bloody obvious, but are they really? How many people do you know who follow all these rules? Not many, I know. People are frightened bunnies, most prefer to follow the herd than have their own identity.

>And remember: if you listen to Bon Jovi or power metal you are essentially tone-deaf. Don’t worry; most people are.

>You're not sure if you're tone-deaf or not? Simple: if people tell you that you can't sing i.e. don't hit the notes often enough, you're tone-deaf. Of course, don't ask OTHER tone-deaf people whether you can sing coz they haven't got a clue.

imagine being this much of a try-hard

>>73652934
Good ol Querty never disappoints

>>73653586
>The irony is that it is often tone-deaf people who think they are a great judge of whether someone can sing or not.

>I am a great judge of who can or cannot sing.

>Hang on!... Does that mean I'M tone-deaf?!

>Forget I said anything. I'm clueless. Just another pointless rant.

>>73653561
well he has no right to have that attitude while being reddit: the human being
his 5.0s are called "if Kubrick made music" ffs.

>>73653592
Im sure he disapointed his parents

>>73653608
true but that doesn't detract from the valid points he did make, even if his other points weren't any good. Also remember that this dude is 17; he is still in high school, where the "music is my life because I listen to Twenty One Pilots" types are most prominent and obnoxious. I had a lot of cringe opinions about music when I was in high school, I'm sure he'll grow up and improve as a person as time goes on and he realizes "you know what, that isn't really that big of a fucking deal and I didn't need to go on for 20 paragraphs over something so petty"

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IMAGINE BEING THIS FUCKING AUTISTIC AND WRITING LIKE THIS HOLY SHIT IM SCREAMING
there is way to much effort put into this for it to be bait. this kid actually belives this

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IM FUCKING BOILING HERE LADS HOLYT SHIT IMAGINE BEING SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ASS THAT YOU COME OUT YOUR MOUTH

I'd like to see what this guy considers good music, its always the contrarian types who are the cringiest and pretend to love certain albums to be a snowflake.

>>73653902
He shits on """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""hipsters""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" for praising Carly Rae Jepsen yet has ABBA as his pop group of choice to flash as his eclectic card

I wanna punch him

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>>73652934
Holy fucking shit dude: the user

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HE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING MENTION THE MUSIC
>makes a gay rant about how people need to listen with their ears and not to the shit surrounding the album
>writes shit like this
did some dude in thick rimmed glasses and a flannel fuck his oneitis or what?

>thinking "hipsters" still exist in 2017

>>73653893
is it any surprise that one of his favorite tv shows is South Park

>>73652934
I read this guy's list a year ago and I was tricked into believing him and only listened to Devin Townsend for weeks.

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He is also a fedora tipping /pol/tard
really provokes thought

>>73652934
This picture made me realize I would have had the hots for anne frank

>>73654288
lol he probably uses terms like nu-male unironically too.

>>73652934
he's actually half-right, he's just autistic about it, and doesn't seem to acknowledge that music can both be good, and have its audience be interested in it primarily for the image

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>>73654310
He didn't outright use the term but what he writes here is basically the same. It's funny because i can't really see this guy being much of a pussyslaying alpha male either desu

>favorite artists
>nine inch nails
>grunge
>the doors
I wondered why none these appeared on his list

for a bonus
>pre-sell-out Metallica
Isn't not liking a band after they "sell out" a hipsterism?

>>73654321
yeah in a way he's partly right about the whole listen to artists for their image thing but he's just such a pretentious prick about it

This guy is really bad at getting his opinions and criticisms across.
He just seems to not like that "hipster" image

i like how he can't even shit on loveless

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How fucking retarded do you have to be to make this connection? Holy fucking shit dude

>>73654310
t. numale

oh man when he tried to expose how "Swans" is an unfitting band name I nearly screamed "that's the fucking point" at my monitor

>>73654871
>implying

At first he was right, but he lost me at Wu-Tang clan

>illiterates

Too often do people who don't like hip hop go for the easy shot and end up sounding racist. Wu-Tang, out of any hip hop group, would be guys I consider pretty intelligent.

Besides that, he has a lot of great picks, and he started out fine, but as you get deeper it starts reading like Paul Joseph Watson criticisms, "Kanye Pest". No coincidence he linked one of his videos.

this is so funny wtf

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I hope this is satire

>>73652934
Why does he keep bringing up skinny people? How fat is this guy?

>>73657919
hes right tho

>>73654483
>Swan-fan
>Vegans

No correlation detected.