just wrote some lyrics thoughts?

>>73291761
good lyrics bad rhyme scheme

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pic related

>>73291761
Unoriginal concept
Decent lyrics
Weird rhyme pattern

I'd say 3/10

good enough i guess. nothing special but not shit

>>73291785
>>73291807
>>73291866
You have to be kidding. This is absolute shit. This is the whitest indie song ever.

>>73291761
Where did you find the new Plain White T's song at?

>>73291876
Top notch critique right there buddy

>>73291761
HEY I JUST MET YOU

AND THIS IS CRAZY

>face
>place

into the trash it goes

>>73291919
Top notch critique right there buddy

>>73291761
garbage

It's "You're beautiful" except shittier.

That's abhorrent

>>73291761
repetition of face is bad, also this is the most generic theme ever. Be creative man

>>73292179
kek

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No more than another face, you were, oh you were
But now ...
[spontaneous crescendo, key change]
6 months and 3 days later, it being Saturday,
You're the only face i know for sure,
In your pickle jar, on my mantlepiece, splay--ed.
And I'll remove you, and lick the pickle juice
From my fingers
And kiss your lips
And waggle your face skin around on my staff like you're talking
And not just walking
Oh, you're walking away
Nu-male showerbeer shitpleb,
Can't get me a motherfucking slit, greg
Can't get no hoes on the floor, drooping
Oh, man, I'm fresh as all scooping
Ice Cream--Vanilla and Berry, call that Ben and Jerry
I ain't nothing but that hound nigga,
flickin the trigga like magilla gorilla
like GI Jane in the plane, i ain't insane,
you insane, you motherfucker i know your IP
nigga now hand me that sucker with the tootsie pop gucci

>>73292253
beautiful

What do you think of these lyrics I wrote

Stutter stutter says the little boy
I wanna blow a hole in my head
I swear what this world wants to hear
Trapped in what we know as truth syndrome
Stutter stutter silence no friend

Childern can be cruel she said
So I smashed her in the fucking head
Sorry dear that's the nature of Tourette

Stutter stutter nothing else but me
I twitch and turn while underneath
My contemporaries are so in control
Fuck you fuck you I grunt and groan
Stutter stutter can't keep it no more

Childern can be cruel she said
So I smashed her in the fucking head
Sorry dear that's the nature of Tourette

Stutter stutter are your eyes closed
You know a hole through which you can fall
But I can't even be bothered to hang on
When you're this numb news don't register
I just opened my eyes

>>73291761
maybe if you sing it in an ironic sort of angry punk way but it's really nothing new

also rhyming lyrics is a cliche in itself. try reading and writing poetry that you like

fucking disgusting kill yourself

>>73292464
why

BUT I'M A CREEP

>>73292179
good

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r8 my lyrics lads

Meh. Just make them unintelligible when you sing so it doesn't really matter.

>>73292320
>Childern can be cruel she said
>So I smashed her in the fucking head
>Sorry dear that's the nature of Tourette
This is kinda cool. The rest sorta sucks.

What a beautiful morning
Such a wonderful day
It was a lovely evening
that we had yesterday

What a beautiful night
The moon shining in the sky
All the lights were turned off
And you were by my side

What a beautiful day
Now the skies are all clear
Everything is so great
Now that I have you so near

And I don't want to think
About being alone
Cause it's so like a dream
When you've got someone to love

r8
btw its an ironic song about tfw no gf

>>73292643
Work on your calligraphy, dammit.

>>73292643
broke my neck trying to read them

>>73292776
It doesn't come off as ironic at all

>>73292643
sorry i can't read your hieroglyphics

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>>73292643
I'd rather rate your handwriting

>>73292643
Fuck off. I can guarantee your shitty lyrics are not worth suffering through your shitty handwriting.

>>73292780
That's not calligraphy

Can we hear a snippet of the melody?

>>73292793
It does when you sing it screaming and crying.

>>73292800
EDGY

>>73292799
You cared enough to download my pic, flip it and reupload it. <3

>>73292776
>what a beautiful morning
>such a wonderful day
>what beautiful night
>what a beautiful day

Use another adjective maybe
the last verse could be a bit more poetic, but it's nice overall

>>73292797
Sorry man when you're in the heat of the moment legibility is not a priority. It's also hard when you're halfway out your window 20 stories up trying to write shit. It's windy asf.

>>73292889
>20 seconds
>caring
no. I care more for other anon's necks.

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Most of the song is played with just two chords, G major and E major on guitar played in varying rhythms and stroking patterns. I use the B as a sort of pedal tone and most of the verses end with me droning on that note.

Oh, I've got a mean old worm inside my head
And I can feel it moving 'round my rancid swiss cheese brain

And when I feel it moving 'round my occipital lobe
It makes me see things that aren't there
It makes me see things that just aren't there
It makes me see, it makes me see, it makes me see... etc.

And when I feel it moving 'round my temporal lobe
It makes me talk in funny ways
It makes me talk in funny ways
It makes me ta-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alk in funny wa-eh-ay-eh-ays, etc.

And when I feel it moving 'round my somatosensory lobe
It makes me feel things I shouldn't have to feel
It makes me feel things I wish I didn't feel
It makes me feel, it makes me feel, it makes me feel... etc.

And when I feel it moving 'round my frontal lobe
I start to think about myself
And start to think about myself
I start to think I start to think I start to think...

[At this point I switch up the chord progression a little bit, I haven't figured it out completely yet but I'm thinking something along the lines of Dmaj7-Amaj7-C#min7 or some variation of that, with 9s added as color here and there]

And at night the worm slips out through my ear
And it lets me hear all the things that people say
It lets me hear all the mean old things that people say

Please don't take my worm away

Rough first sketch, more of a proof-of-concept at this point but I like the main metaphor

>>73292987
unironic nice ironically but not, i like it

>>73292987
Did you write this in your high school psychology class and try to use brain words you just learned to make it sound all eccentric and shit?

>>73293052
No, I tried to give a physical dimension to mental illness by linking the actual brain anatomy to related symptoms. My overall goal I guess was to give a more visceral account of these symptoms, and the feeling something moving around in my brain is not an inaccurate way to express that in my case. Thank you for your feedback, I will see if I can come up with better phrasing.

>>73293034
Thank you for your feedback.

My first attempt at writing a song about an issue, this case was men's custody rights. I started it when i was 16
Mike and Mary lying next to a tree
F.U.C.K.I.N.G.
First cums Mike, then comes Mar...riage
But no baby because of a miscarriage

Your wombs a tomb, your cribs a crypt
the cradles a grave, and you're to blame
I'm pro choice and I choose to refuse
letting unfit mothers, use and abuse their kids
but maybe, my morality's mistaken
when another baby gets violently shaken
as the mother smothers a life silently taken
all because some dumb bitch was rudely awakened

While daddy wasn't even permitted non-monitored visits
at least this ultimately exhibits who it really inhibits

Honestly she's no better
than any anti abortionist
piece of shit extortionist
fucking fucked up feminist
while the distortion is

Woman and children first
even if it' for the worst

From fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament,
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content,
And, tender churl, mak'st waste in niggarding:
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.

>>73293168
Edgy as fuck.

>>73293168
>First cums Mike, then comes Mar...riage
>But no baby because of a miscarriage
fucking kek

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>>73292179

>>73291761
Ultra generic shit normie lyrics.

>>73293182
It's kinda nice but I think you abused the whole complex word thing.

>>73293237
it's one of my worst tbqh

>>73293182
I can see this fitting in a prog song where the lyrics don't matter at all.

>>73293318
ha

>>73293318
>>73293334
Something like Kayo Dot if you know them, lyrical style is kind of similar.

>>73293346
whatever you say Shakespeare

Why wake up why go to sleep
There's no reason to do a thing
I'd rather kill my time lost in my own consciousness
I cannot pretend I'm fine
Trying to find something to like
There's nothing out there that can make me honestly smile
I'll slowly kill myself
I light another cigarette
I don't even like to smoke they're my only friend
So I say whatever man
Looking at stars is pretty fun
Even if I'm alone if I can mess up my mind

It is hard to look outside
And not to say that I would like
To walk smiling and staring at the blue sky
But when I do the sky is grey
If I'm not high my smile is fake
If I'm not drunk I cannot laugh and I can't feel love
Everyone else seems so nice
I wonder if it's just a mask
Or if they live in a completely different world
I watch them speak, word for word
I watch them laugh I watch them work
And I don't want to be with them I don't want to talk

Loneliness and drugs in small doses
Loneliness and drugs, smiles and roses

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>>73293182
>>73293237
>>73293318

>implying good poetry makes good song lyrics
>implying Shakespeare is good poetry

>>73293579
>implying lyrics matter

>>73292320
these are actually pretty good

>>73293642
yeesh

>>73291925
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE

Just a reminder: If you must write prose/poems, the words you use should be your own; don't plagiarise or take "on loan."

>>73293954
>the words you use should be your own
Thanks for reminding me, here's my new song.

Arsherlgugjm sbgyhnfjr
grnfjokbmfdng btjneobmge tbntho
asdhuefeprorn griejgroeh

Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk
HOT HEAD

>>73291761
This can't be for real. I swear I've read that a few times before.

To whom it may concern
Or even cares to be listening
Consider this here
My final will and testament
Because things have been
Just all falling apart recently
Had troubles in the past
But this time they might get the best of me
And I can be
A positive thinker for only so long
Before any hopes for improvement
I had are all gone
So this song
Is letting
Everybody knows how I felt
In case I'm not around
To tell everybody myself

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>>73293954
fuck off more is sea

Are these any good? new to lyric writing:

On a rainy day at walmart
looking for dirt
when god died it must have hurt
umbilical chords in the sky using cellphones
we quit being such flirts

in the ground
in the ground
in the ground
file cabinets
indulging in increasing my mortality (x2)

whatchya gonna do
whatchya gonna do
I'm never gonna talk to you

>>73294465
Rip anon

>>73294894
best itt tbqh

yo

don't let me in to who you are
or we'll have to start from the first square
I will feel of white noise
tv static on my tongue
it burns within
it learns within

circular don't walk around
or I'll have to leave you angled
I will be the waves
electro magnets on my mental
it pulses in
it turns without

rip up the floorboards and open up the shouts
I've got a feeling that I'm running on doubts
Just another moment and you'll be there
be around here
leave your things on the floor, kicking up the spires
I've got a feeling that I'm running off wires

take my center and do what you like
or I'll have to send the papers back
I will reach the thoughts
Psychic feelings deluding
It hurts without
It hurts within

as the festival begins the sun takes its break
I've got the feeling that I'm running out of takes
the city comes alive once the day doesn't
the day stays dead
you know you haven't, but you know what to do
I've got the feeling that I'm running from you

circular don't walk around
circular don't walk around
the block ain't getting any smoother
and circular don't walk around

I've got a feeling that I'm running on harmonies
I've got a feeling that I'm running on melodies
I've got a feeling that I'm running on rhythms
And I've got a feeling that you're running off track

just finished a song with these lyrics what you lads think

Oy, critique my lyrics. I'll probably cut out a lot so it has more of a rhythm to it, but this is what I have so far:

The dirt paths he's carving with his shoes of lead through us all
Taking time away from a canned carnivore
Teeth out, it makes another silly face at the crowds lining up again and again
He is pale white and lost in the clouds
A hint of humble blue below shattered eyes and skin filled with fear
He begs humanity
Though he's still curled up in that sickly soulless smile
With much more soul than I know,
We know he could never really feel a thing
Symbols and chicken-scratches on the left wall
It could have been different
The hollow earth spills liquid gold
Meaningless and shallow
And painfully cold
He stares and waves his hand at the bleeding blank stone
With it's kindred spirit from god angled, drunken, and decayed
Quarantined in cages of circumstance
I have sold myself for fifteen grand
Flaunted around with my worn-out skull in hands
A bullet in the back of the head
Where our children threw him out the closed window in stained rags
With no mercy to speak

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>>73291876
>using "white" as an insult

Why are you guys writing lyrics before you have a tune?

>>73295361
so i can structure the song around the lyrics

>>73292320
This is pretty okay. Depending upon what kind of sound you're pairing this with will determine if these lyrics are shit or not.

>>73295336
>skin filled with fear
this is a pretty bad line

>>73295547
Oh shit I completely forgot about that one. Will be sure to change it later

>>73295336
too dense for its own good

It's very edgy, I know, but it's for some project I may be working on.

In the dark field stands the pig. How did I get here? I look into its eyes, and I vomit. It smiles at me. Comforts me. Mangled and rotting face and teeth. He smiles at me. I am dragged back to bed, kicking and screaming. Wasting away into a putrid pile of rot. I lay in filth. I smell like shit. He still smiles at me. I'm still in this dark field. Not allowing myself to die. Why can't I die?

a tip I learned from one of my creative writing professors:
don't write about yourself unless you're connecting it to a larger idea.
nobody wants to hear about how sad you are.

>>73295811
awful. rewrite it.

>>73295357
*white indie

there is a difference

>>73295859
ok :(

Grimes is shit
She makes me want to spit.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
yea that sucks ass

>>73295876
don't be sad, anon. Ezra Pound crossed off entire pages of Eliot's wasteland before it got published

>>73291761
7 lines for a weak punchline