/swg/ song writing general

>>71588668

Why so you can freakin steal them Ringo?

>>71588693
yes obv

>>71588693
Fuckkng this. Hell no OP. No one stealing my stuff. And I'm too embarrassed to post anyway

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx10O2HKTYM

I've been working on this track thing for a few weeks now. How does it sound compositionally? Any suggestions. I haven't begun to mix it or replace the midi with real instruments. I also, God willing, want to replace the brass section with a vocalists and lyrics. Sorry for the poor audio quality.

For guitar:
0-2-4-0-0-0 - Em9
x-2-2-0-0-0 - Em
x-0-2-2-1-0 - Am
x-0-2-2-3-0 - Asus4
x-0-2-2-0-0 - Asus2
3-2-2-x-3-3 - Em7
3-3-2-4-x-x - CM7
2-1-0-0-3-x - Gm,M7
x-0-2-0-1-0 - Am7
Solo over Am7 with A Dorian mode, D Maj7 arpeggio or A aeolian scale.

Interpret this how you want, just an idea I quickly came up with.

Here's my autistic blurb about being sad

sadness comes and change
brings the thought of happiness
but you can't stay forever
when it's no good
why carry on to the dead end
i'm not happy and i want to be alone
it was fun but now i'm done
and ready to move on

>>71589187
It sounds fine compositionally but you could make it less predictable by adding in a grand piano at 1:30 playing triplets here and there, then you can ascend with the major scale into the chorus at 1:44-45.

>>71589607
>adding in a grand piano at 1:30 playing triplets here and there
interesting. i'll try it out. thanks a lot.

A stupid boy at best
But flesh and bone just like the rest
I wish I would've said to you
Three words stuck in my chest
I've come to trust my heart was good
And these hands were fine to hold
You and all these dreams of mine
In a story we never told

>>71589875
I prefer my sad songs to be from the POV of another person even though the singes clearly singing about themselves. adds more variety for the music.

Has a pre-60s sound, I guess, girlfriend enjoys it

Oh I dont want you
I need you
To figure you out
I'm being honest
I promise
To be what you bout
Come over closer
I'll shoulder
Your hips in the crowd
So you can reach up
And preach up
God taking you out

Look at me baby (look here)
This here's my lady (sweet dear)
She drive me wild (no fear)
I drive her crazy, zero to eighty
And I'm a child (wide eye)
When she around (no lie)
Feet to the ground (soul spy)
Heart in the cloud, head high like loud
You make me proud (Yoda)
Make me end loud! (Coda)
She like a potion (Cola)
She never pout, I ate her doubt
Bedtime commotion (warrant)
Dance like it war win (pouring)
Love stormy ocean (torrent)
Hardened like pit, I barely fit

>>71588693
>>71588693
>>71588693

File: tumblr_o6xxa3EiBu1qcys1uo1_1280.jpg (157KB, 720x1280px) Image search: [Google]

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I–V–vi–IV
What do we think lads?

>>71593163
Always dank

is this meant to include composition for instrumental sake rather than music with intent to sing?

i just want to see if you like my little (almost 4 minute) mathy riff thing

Some lyrics:

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
On aroma and clothes
Fabric and dyes

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
On grandeur and style
Making the poor rich smile

You could have run wild
On the backstreets of Lyon or Marseille
Reckless and legless and stoned
Impregnating women
Or kissing mad street boys from Napoli
Who couldn't even write their own name

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
Sensually stroking the weaves of a sleeve.

You could have run wild
On the backstreets of Lyon or Marseille
Reckless and legless and stoned
Impregnating women
Or kissing mad street boys from Napoli
Who couldn't even spell their own name

Oh, Christian Dior
Oh, Christian Dior

When you look at me
Failure is all that you see
I discipline my days just like Christian Dior

I could've run loudly and proudly
Or forcible entry
Morally bankrupt
And never non-violent
And drawn to what scares me
And scared of what bores me
Years alone will never be returned.

Christian Dior
Lyonise maverick, ah
Design if you can, ah
The way to just be a man, ah
To just be a man, ah

Christian Dior

>>71594372
It's for all songwriting I presume.

>>71594372
Post anything lad

>>71589438
Mfw dono wutda FUQ that is

>>71595238
it's not a song if it's not sung though.

posting anyway b/c maybe someone will steal it and put it to better use

https://clyp.it/oyrreu3y

>>71595935
it's sung from your soul. also i really like this.

>>71594399
actually pretty good. Have you recorded these?

In the fall of 2016 I was institutionalized for posing too many questions
Drinking vodka on Sundays, posturing my imperfections
Slowly walking down stairwells, northwest of the wall
You built to crumble but never to actually fall
As you learned, to fake your way to marriage he kneeled down by your side and took your ring finger
Within days your marriage was annulled, in favor of hard liquor

>>71589438
That's a neat C m7 voicing I'd never thought of. Totally stealing. Thanks fampai.

>>71589563
>>71589875
>>71591517
>>71594399
>>71597258
what type of music are theses for? context would help with critiquing.

I can't tell whether this sucks or not, it's kinda vague and I'm def not sold on the second verse but what do you guys think? (I've written way better lyrics than this but these are the most recent) It would be a pop punk/emo song:

First I told it like an anecdote
Then I told it like a warning
About the girl in the darkened room
In my last hour at the party
We made plans that fell through
I wasn’t looking for something new
Still hung up on the last song I wrote
And the girl I wrote it to

And I can’t help feeling like I’ve written this one before

First I saw it as coincidence
Then I saw it as a sign
When I first saw your face on my screen
And you words hit my eyes
We started fast, said we'd take it slow
Wished we'd had the chance a month ago
Instead we let distance cover our
Intentions up with snow

How do I write brown shit like Ween?

>>71597258
David Berman? is that u

idk

>tfw computers took my songwriting job

>>71598937
rip anon's career
F

>>71598937
how?

Lines for the opening track of a rock opera I've been outlining about a year now. Thoughts on how this seems as an introduction to the thematics? All I'll say is it's about being lost in dream worlds while trying to live in reality. I'm not too worried about posting this cuz even if someone takes from it, it'll never equal out to the 7 albums of work I'm making with it:
(Bloom)

His mind buried in dirt.
A vicarious flirt.
A firmament
Dripping,
Quenching his thirst.

Luminescent sun.
Serendipitous moon.
'Child', they say, 'soon
you will know
why you are moved.'

His head understands
They speak for his plans.
While his body knows,
Steadily,
It grows by their words.

Yet neither realize
It was spoken
To a moment in time.

For every petal on flow-
ers in bloom,
Wilt, wither, and waste.
Yet bloom anew, as flow-
er buds do,
Other faces for other days

>>71600421
Stop trying to write like some discount poet.

>>71600421
>7 albums
woah dude. going for that coheed and cambria thing?

here's a progression/melody i came up with today what do y'all think, pretty rough but i wanted to get it recorded before i forgot it
https://clyp.it/5ib3ibrt
lyrics are still in their initial stages and something i'll have to put time into developing, also will prob change to a more comfortable key for me to sing in and really just practice singing more in general. Idk I'm still getting used to writing lyrics and singing but it's pretty fun desu

These hoes i gotta catch em all i capture them and master them just like the pokemon im dropping the fire the skills i need to go evolve y'all still need a bike but now im cruising in the cars i feel like snorelax how i been popping the bars slow bro for a second we them team rocket stars blasting in yo girl face muk devolved

>>71601201
It's not like I'm going to write every song like that. Only the introductory tracks, interludes, and other moments when the narrator talks over the MC.

>>71601314
Kinda. I'd honestly say a bit more like The Dear Hunter, given that theirs is also a rock opera and really inspired me, and theirs was 5 albums.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1h6C3Vv7eyh

>>71601547
My version of the pokemon rap

>>71588693
>>71588876
But if you record it and post it somewhere then you have timestamped proof that it's yours

>>71588693
idc if people steal my songs because i dont have the ambition to do anything with them anyway

Obviously this is very unfinished, and the lyrics don't really connect well yet, but just wanna know if I should scrap the idea or not. I always get way too backed up with a bunch of small unfinished bits like this.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s07bmkPvBmjM

>>71601523
Not a bad start, I quite liked the guitar work around 3/4ths of the way in. Overall I think that kind of progression and melody doesn't lend itself well to sparser acoustic stuff, but if you're gonna work it into some larger arrangement I think it could work. Also, your singing in the upper parts of your register definitely need work but I suppose you realize that.

>>71601523
Nice voice

demo I made to send to my band, lyrics are a philosophical ramble

basically human says to android "how can I know if you're really conscious?" then android is like "wait fuck you, how do I know YOU are really conscious?"


https://clyp.it/0st0qfes?token=a0e2ffdca1762f7f9f98b8a5e339bbd1

>>71601775
This is awesome don't scrap it.

>>71601775
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s07bmkPvBmjM
i liked this a lot actually gj anon

>>71589187
Fairly same-y, but overall there's potential here. I like your melodic sensibility, you just need to do more with it I think to make it stand out. I really don't like the transition to the third chord, is it a minor 3? I think it comes across as really jarring and doesn't jibe with what is otherwise a very poppy sensibility. I would play with a different chord, or at least a different voicing on this one.

>>71591517
These sound more like lyrics to a lil yachty song than pre-60's to me. If you want to chase that pre-60's style i would make it a little more coherent; pop lyrics back then were cliched and simple, but rarely as abstract and nonsensical as some of the lines you've got here

sometimes for shits and giggles i'll write songs in the style of other established artists as a sort of exercise

here's a modest mouse one

you know im still sober
Cuz i couldnt take the high
But we’re all looking for a little
Comfort in our lives and the
Single life aint worth it yeah
Id like a couple more
Aint never gonna understand the
Things we got in store
and you know i went left
Cuz i thought that it was right
But it ruined all my plans and it
Punched out all my lights and the
DOGS and the CATS and the
MOON and the STARS are
Runnin round the earth cuz there
Isnt life on mars
oh damn it all
Damn it all
Damn it all to hell and
Back again
Im no doctor and
Im no priest
And i know goodness and
I know grief
And i know sodom and
Yeah thats neat but
Reading some old book aint gonna
Get you no relief

>>71601599
why 7 exactly?

>>71600421
this doesn't really make any sense to me. like it seems sort of faux-high-minded, needlessly purple without any clear meaning. Not trying to be a dick, but I would work on more clearly expressing your themes and maybe edit certain awkward lines like "his head understands they speak for his plans" to flow more smoothly

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Can someone help me loop this and rap over it?

https://clyp.it/u5mmba0v

When I get bored I like to think of song titles
>floating through my life
>i will change (he says for the 20th time)
> im always alright
>drive the nail home
and some of the funnier ones
>jerking off to cartoon monster girls
>support your local patriarchy
>oppressong minorities because im bored and its funny

>>71598732
it's not amazing but if you're going for a pop punk/emo vibe i think that you nailed it. I'm actually a big fan of those genres, and i think you don't have to write pulitzer poetry to write good lyrics for them. lines i don't like as much: "when i first saw your face on my screen and your words hit my eyes" but other than that fairly solid for the genre.

I've been getting mixed signals for the past couple of weeks now
Why don't you tell me how you feel
I've let you know what I think about you
And my feeling are only going away
Bflat7-D7-G7-F7

>>71597258
come on man don't just rip off the single greatest opener of all time

>>71602130
Well, 7 full lengths and a final closing album. Each album will represent a state of mind influencing the MC's perceived reality for the piece. They mark each major step in understanding his dissociation between reality and his delusions, growing more and more overwhelming as he confronts his "death". There are also thematics around the color spectrum and the virtues and vices, which each have seven tiers across the three of them. And there's even a specific reason for why the 8th piece isn't a part of the whole 7 primary acts, but I've already said plenty.

>>71602451
lmao i thought the same thing

>>71601947
>>71601952
Thanks fellas, I'll keep on it, it's just hard to gauge what's worth keeping sometimes.

Here's a song that's more or less completed (as far as the writing goes) that I'd like to get some thoughts on too.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1cfqGhH7nc3

Sorry for the mistakes every once in a while, I'm not good enough to play the guitar parts I write.

>>71602469
>And there's even a specific reason for why the 8th piece isn't a part of the whole 7 primary acts, but I've already said plenty.
don't blue ball us nigga

>>71602469
>>71602609
the 8th piece isn't part of the 7 primary acts because it's actually a collection of nine concept EP's each based around a unique color

>>71589563
>>71589875
>>71598732
gay

>>71602637
that's autistic. would like to see it. good luck.

critique welcome

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1mdgMaCprZy

>>71602637
>>71602469
this reminds me of Todd's rock opera on Bojack. in seriousness, I feel like you're being way way way too ambitious from the get-go. Get to the point where you can comfortably write good and simple songs before you start trying to write 7 album rock operas.

>>71602609
I can't. To explain the 8th piece I would have to start telling what it's all really going to be about on the actual story level. And after putting a year of work into this, and not foreseeing any sort of real completion for another few years, I'm not going to start dumping plot points. Though I will say that if I ever do finish this and begin releasing them, the 8piece would be a surprise release along with 7th act-- it wouldn't be expected, and would be like a big reveal which pulls the one last string of the stories that ties them all together perfectly.

I'm not a confident person, but I always get excited thinking about it because I know it's gonna be a really amazing ending. You know? When you know you've got a piece of gold? I just can't bring myself to say it. Sorry for the blue bliss though man.

>>71602768
have you written any songs that aren't part of the rock opera that you could share to give some indication of the skill level you're currently working with?

>>71602726
Oh yeah, believe me I'm not trying to tackle it all at once. But I've been writing my whole life, and the lyrical aspects aren't the overwhelming thing to me. It's going to be getting the funds and people together to produce, write, and perform the actual instrumentals. Because, of course it's going to be a rock piece, but with scores of orchestral influence and thematics. I can hear a lot of it in my head and know how I want nearly all of it to lay out, as far down as the song level. I've just got to get it out of my head and in paper.

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>>71602690
you're in luck, m8

>>71602786
No, to be honest I primarily write short stories and I'm working on a novel as well. I study poetry a lot, though I don't write it (very) seriously. Right now all the songs are outlined almost like a screen play outline (this isn't anything, just showing the general layout--I.e. intro progression of bass (guitar, standing, drum) fading into crash. fade in -piano- winds, -forte-, followed by brass, -crescendo-, before overcut by band-lyrical imagery and thoughts, under lying progression of full band, -forte-, accompanied by winds and brass--so on and so forth)

>>71602451
lmao you guys all got the reference to Random Rules I see.
>>71602470
>>71598837

It is meant to be more of a reference. The song is indie pop and really different

>>71602991
Fantastic album, definitely another major influence on this. Though this is different, this explores all the music genres and segments them into the colors and emotions that they feel best represent them. Definitely music for musicians and writers. If you've got some time (a few hours, 2 and change I believe) give it a listen.

>>71603003
I would seriously suggest honing your songwriting skills with simpler songs and one-off exercises before you try to tackle this big of a project, or else your inexperience will almost certainly show

>>71601775
thanks man, ya i definitely plan on filing out the arrangement and working on my singing for sure
>>71601807
thank you

>>71603074
Definitely not saying that's bad advice. Believe me, why do you think I don't expect to finish -writing- for a few years, let alone recording, producing and performing. I'm always looking for advice from people I know who write music (not much though, they aren't very good)and studying songs I like in depth to get a good feeling for their construction. But I grasp meter and verse alright, I believe. I don't have a song, but here's a bit of verse I wrote a little while ago to give you an idea. Not quite lyric, but:

Drumsticks matched with matchsticks
drum erupting snares of embers.
Alternating and pulsating
orbs of rhythmic fires
conjure bursting storms of sparks
becoming twisters dancing spirals.

Summon me my will to be,
You frantic beating meter!
Tell me now, Hephaestus, how
Dionysus helps me neither!
This blazing pounding scares me not
of burning bloody ether.
Chaos born was Eros,
surely so could we together.

Twisting body-coals ablaze,
my thoughts can see no other.
Exhausted, forging hammers stay
and fires start to smother.
Cooling off, though not all froze,
my mind returns to me.
I strike a match and light a bone as
ash falls to a glowing screen.

>>71603211
last 4 lines are the only decent ones.

hey i sent some feedback so i'd appreciate some here >>71601616

Pardon the bar markings, and the weird punctuation/parentheticals in places. It's for my own spacing things rhythmically. If anyone is interested in hearing the beat it's to be rapped over, just say so.
9]| The girl of my dreams| changed|, the night I skipped sane| pills|, the night I figured out the key to dream lucidity.

11]| I learned| how to fly, and how to move anything tele-kinetically, and how to adopt and talk to manatees.

13]| A pale and cleopatran catgirl skated circles on the open ice of my old schools cafegymitorilobby.

15]| A place lucidly known to be made by only me, yet I'm glad I knew that the only one controlling the girl was she.
(piano)
17]| Familiar eyes| ... fur makes the lines... But, appointed fiction... made any form of diction... not easy.

19]| Peripherally there was nothing left but her, and I approached with tenacity I had never felt amass in me.

21]| She knew full of her scent and mine and what we did to we, and gazed at me as if we weren't both moving so distractedly.

23]| She asked me who I was, and 'fore I was standing on ice, I fell, avoiding gaze, and said, "An asshole apparently."

25]| To get the permission to find out what entails| being one with a tailed| girl with just hair where human ears should be.

27]| To swallow your throat in, excitedly frightened, the girl losing her mind as you clutch where her real ears are's enlightening.

29]| I gave away that I'm a god when I'm clever, after that we were together, and when our bodies severed, agony.

31]| I tasted her mouth and it tasted like memory of a thing only dared of me or perhaps repressed and forced on me.

33] Be|fore then it was simple... I'd recall very little. But I knew when it when would get ridiculous I would just call in nukes.

35] I|Accidentally thought of it, and looked around for it, and couldn't warn her before needing to kinda make some dimensional soup.

(cont.)

>>71603339
I think it's strange you picked the four lines that fall out of meter as the best four. Because it's modernist and the rest is traditionalist? I feel like I should state the obvious: I don't always write like that. I rarely do, actually. I'm not going to be writing my albums and sprinkling in all sorts of classical language and Grecian god references, I'm not that pretentious.

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>>71603481
(cont.)

piano)
37]| Her ears rightfully pointed backward in decline- as she knew she should've died and was instead floating in regular space.

39]| I looked the girl, in the slanted pupils of her eyes, and told her why we didn't just die, and saw terror transforming her face.
(zel)
41]| I swallowed my throat and despite being frightened, nearly losing her mind, I made her assured that her thoughts were only hers.

43]| My face alight with fear for her clarification, understanding changed her face, and now I can't forget embracing...

45]For we did a lot of quick traveling where my thought's would unravel and never before have I been as scared for not just myself.

47]| But by the time I felt lucidity escaping, I should have woken up in a bed, and in this new world I was enveloped.

(more cont.)

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>>71603497
(more cont.)

(yokohero)
49]| My sight went white to bright to not where expected, a princess sobbing, and peasants sharing what remained of strength of their souls.

51]| Some kind of excuse was needed to keep my head from retreating, and in a world she made herself, her wish was treasured the most.

53]| Obvious eyes... my first 'her' in disguise... and she'll be more than confused when she feels like I called her out on a dream.

55]| We shared the gypsy's syndrome of wanting no kingdom, so the throne room gets distorted when two lucid minds are trying to leave.
(mass bass)
57]| Her soul was stripped of it's limits with time and space; she didn't start anthropomorphic but never the less collided with me.

59]| Her one attempt to stop me leaving made reality fluid; and our abilities stupidly blew out more than logic breathes.
(bass droom)
61]| To think you've finally blown your top because a presence clutching tightly shouldn't be among reality and riding it.

63]| To treasure that oneness despite being frightened, her spine will arch tightly as you master the ears you had some practice with.
(the last)
65]| To think the hand across your cheek and loving look is contradictory to hearing her say "Don't you dare keep looking for me."

67]| It sucks we could've raised a thing that ruled the planet but... to wake up twice forgetting how the soundtrack went is just.

>>71603484
i think your style is a little "much". I think your adherence to rhyme in both this sample and your lyrical samples hinders your ability to write natural-sounding lyrics. In both, for me personally, it's unclear what exactly you're trying to say/what it's about, but I recognize that my taste in lyrics is not the same as everyone elses. Point being, I think you could write better by striking a more natural balance between literary or high-minded verse and thematic clarity and natural feel.

>>71603519
oh dang...
the very end of that is supposed to have an ellipses, for reasons

>>71603610
No, you're totally right I don't disagree with you. But I suppose I've given two bad samples (sounds convenient, I know) of how the writing will be because one, like I said before, those particular lines I posted are of the narrator of the story, and won't represent the voice of the MC; and two that bit of verse I posted is intentionally grandiose (the piece is about addiction and, specifically, the idea of feeling intense passion and love towards someone's picture online who you'll never meet or know), which is why it comes off as "much". Not to sound conceited, but I love art, and I'm pretty good at being aware of the medium I'm using to express whatever idea I'm to to express.

But great advice, and thanks a lot for talking with me and giving me pointers. Never apologize for advice just because it's your opinion, that's what 90% of advice is. Really helped me want to work on it now, and I am as we speak.

I saw old Francis shoot his gun/at a lion there, right in the sun
Tell me the story of your life/ of the misery caused by your wife
Should your position/ pass to me/ and peace is denied at/ your expense

You've had a short and happy life

Blood and fame/ are in a fine demand/ heartless/ gun in hand
I think it's time for you to move on/ like this confrontation is done
Should your condition/ pass to me/ and peace is denied in your affairs

You've had a short and happy life

man classic /mu/ thread, a few anons giving a lot of feedback and everyone else just sitting around and asking for it. like at least give a little back if you want some yourself

>>71604230
If felt I could give decent advice, I would. There's always going to be a 2:1 ratio of advice needed to advice given because there are just always more people who need help than can give it. That's probably no more true anywhere else than this fuckhole place.

>>71604230
>used to
>every visit
>any /mu/ thread
>17+ people I'd feedback/recc had absolutely nothing to say about what i linked or posted

I would love that idea of yours, but people get done having a lot to say for not even a "thx m8"

>>71604230
Whenever i post something i give out feedback and return others but i purposely never attach it to whatever i posted desu

>>71604815
>>71604715
>>71604432
yeah same, but i wish even people who weren't that skilled at criticism would just offer like an "i like this" or "i don't like this" just to offer some kind of general barometer at least

>>71604230
Because most of us aren't good at giving advice outside of what we know. I'm terrible at lyrics but I try giving my opinion. But I can't give a nuanced answer about something I don't know much about. I'm assuming that's how others are too. But I still responded to like 10 posts.

>>71601979
I'm hoping when I add vocals, that it will fix the same-yness issue. You're talking about the piano right? The main chord progression is g major f major g major (different voicing) and a minor all arpeggiated. When the bass comes in the third chord becomes gmajor in first inversion (g major over b). Do you think it's the chord that sounds jarring or the rhythm for the arpeggiation on that chord? I'm not used to writing in 3/4. Thank you a lot for the feedback.

>>71605081
yeah no problem. I think part of the issue is that the voicing of the g major first inversion makes it feel a little weird, either because of the arpeggiation or the voicing. I also feel like the transition from I to flat VII back to I again and then into ii leaves it feeling kind of, idk, blocky? If you feel comfortable experimenting with different voicings or potentially slightly different chords I would recommend that, it just sounds a little choppy as is.

Fooling around with it a little bit, I found that maybe turning that g maj first inversion into an e min second inversion felt it flow better, and then the e minor second inversion can step right down and become the a minor chord root position and it all kind of flows a little neater. I don't mean to meddle too much, it's your piece, but that's my 2 cents.

Spiritual desire
Intellectual relations
Stream of desorganize thoughts
The far reachs of my mind well guarded
The intricate thruth of perception
Is the real estate of apathy
Always repeating the same actions
The derrail me from the path of reality
Melting in the universe magma
Losing my identity
This is my riot shout
About the habitants of the external world

>>71605249
if this is for real, I would seriously recommend A. some editing, like basic spellcheck kind of editing, and B. a lot more time spent

>>71605165
>I found that maybe turning that g maj first inversion into an e min second inversion felt it flow better, and then the e minor second inversion can step right down and become the a minor chord root position and it all kind of flows a little neater.
That's really cool. I'll grab my bass in the morning and try it out.
>I also feel like the transition from I to flat VII back to I again and then into ii leaves it feeling kind of, idk, blocky?
It's actually in mixolydian (for the most part) so it's V IV V(first inversion) vi. It's funny you mentioned that it's blocky because that's always been my issue when writing. I make the chords before the melody out of habit so most of my stuff comes out that way. I really like the second inversion e minor thing. Thanks again man. Appreciate it.

>>71605274
It's not originally in english, just putting together some phrases that I wrote in stuff I read. Not at all finish product

Why is everyone posting just lyrics?
Without any music/melody lyrics don't mean shit lol
Music/melody can make good lyrics bad and bad lyrics good

>>71605302
yeah no problem at all dude, glad i could at least be of some help. i used to have the same problem with blockiness; playing around with other chordal inversions and voicings was what kinda shook me out of it, but i like what you've got going on, and i definitely think there's potential.

>>71605349
that's true, but there's an extent to which you can also judge lyrics on their own. like "i've just seen a face" is made by the way the lyrics play off the music, but
I've just seen a face I can't forget
the time or place that we just met
she's just the girl for me
and I want all the world to see we've met

isn't bad on its own at all

>>71605385
What type of music do you write? This isn't my normal schtick. I'm more of a pop/rock guy with 7th and 9th chords thrown in to cover up my lack of song writing experience.

>>71605421
I got my start as a jazz musician, but most of the stuff I write now is basically lyrical indie pop. I have a few songs recorded on half-decent MIDI shit but they're on a bandcamp page i made for college and I'm tryna figure out how to post one without revealing my identity on this shitty site

>>71604837
I frequent /lit/ and critique threads a lot. And as someone who's comfortable giving advice there and who asks for advice, if all you want is an "I like it" or an "I don't like it", you don't want advice you want affirmation. Whatever you expect to hear is what you know is already the truth. When you want real advice, getting one of those two simple answers sucks dick unless there's (surprise!) actual advice with it.
Not trying to be a dick or anything. If someone tells me they just like a piece without specifics, I don't know what I did well and what techniques I should focus on keeping up. Or the opposite, if it's bad without reason, I don't know exactly what I did poorly; I don't know if the whole thing was bad of if I only had a few poor techniques that dragged down something that could've been good. You know what I mean?

>>71605479
mu's a pretty lowkey board so no one's gonna fuck with you if that's what you're worried about. Unless you just don't want to be the next Will Toledo meme.

>>71605501
yeah i get you, but for me, an important part of my music and basically the only thing i would need others' feedback for is whether or not they like hearing it. I'm generally secure enough in my artistic decisions that I don't need advice about them from anyone other than close confidants, but the only way to know if people will like it is to ask. I would rather know if 15 people think something sucks and not know why than know literally no new information

>>71605416
I like the last line, but everything else is just too bland and "Beatles-y vanilla".

>>71605508
yea basically that, i might actually try to make a career out of this someday and /mu/ is the best 4chan board but it's still 4chan so I don't wanna meme myself or really put my identity out there if i can avoid it.

>>71605640
I getcha. Thanks again for the feedback. Will see how it goes.

>>71605524
I say if you're comfortable, just put in the grind and let your heart out. Music, even more than just writing prose, is straight from the soul, and you don't want to fake that shit. Let it out as true as you, and if someone or loads of people like it, then that's just a perk. If people don't, just feel good you wrote from the heart. And if you just write music to be liked by others, like I said before, I just don't know how to help for that. I say what makes pieces great is when they're written of pure expression, without intent of being loved. That's when it's honest, understandable, and accessible.
Obviously we all want to be heard. But that should be afterthought to how you want to be heard. If your music ends up coming out like that fucking goofy shit where the album has a guy with a fish face, then whatever. There are still people out there who will appreciate it. It's a big world,you've just gotta keep passing the piece.

>>71605694
True, but I think there's a balance. If I make something earnestly, I can usually tweak it so that it's still meaningful to other people, and the only way to really get a sense of that is to see how other people feel about it. You can make authentic music that also appeals to other people, and I think it's just as bad to forgo the opinions of others about your art as it is to exclusively consult them.

>>71605663
yo if you or any other anon is still awake and feels like reviewing a song of mine i got a link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Znhky7dwCo&feature=youtu.be

Ignore the early snare, the dude who produced it didn't have much time, so the snare part is a little messy. Would love some feedback on the song, though, if you like it, does it get stuck in your head, what's bad or good about it, etc. lyrics are in the description if you wanna check those out at all

cuttin’ on outward and here i find
a sunny lil place between the vines
and i hope to rest where shades be
somewhere out there here for me
ohoh, ohoh

taking our risks and knowing where
dangers lurk but we’re well prepared
and soon we’ll be out in the dark
shelter made and bulwark
ohoh, ohoh
------------------------------------------------
morning rise and tails behind
we leave the place where we reside
and i hope to find the way back
sonny did you check the map?
oh no, oh no
------------------------------------------------
cuttin’ on outward and here i find
a subtle gleam in ones eye
we found the ships out on the shore
take me home to give report
ohoh, ohoh

>>71606186
what kind of music is this for? helps in giving criticism

>>71606200
acoustic folk, upbeat

>>71606140
I'm getting a Sufjan Stevens meets Phil Elverum feeling. Maybe even some Brian Wilson Surf's Up vibes. The snare is fucking me up. The ending before the clarinet kicks in sounds rough, but intentional. Like the track is falling apart. I'd actually make it more rough by layering more counterpoint. Nice voice. Good lyrics I think but I'm terrible with lyrics. Are some of the piano parts swung? It's sounds off, but that might be snare confusing me. The piano part at 1:13 sounds like it's from a lifetime movie trailer though. Maybe have another instrument come in with it. Like the brass. Overall nice. What's the name of the project?

File: 1415036552069.jpg (136KB, 750x600px) Image search: [Google]

136KB, 750x600px

lay me down by the trees ohoh
cool wind and swaying breeze
backdrop against the embering fire ohoh
stare deep to the wavering pyre

hear a sound afar startle me ohoh
jerk up sudden so i can see
just a small creature passing by ohoh
smelled the air from a wandering mile
-------------------------------------------------
tell me everything you want to do
break from the hectic life
come down from busing tables
share a seat and tell me fables

well tell me everything you want to see
everything at peace with me
you can find it yourself sometime
or look for me beyond the pine

Frost filled fairytales blinking on my summers eye
Wind swept beneath my feet
velour cover witches fry
Blanking on your attitude
taking too long to say goodbye

>>71606374
I wrote this just now.
My long time gf used to sing a lot before she met me, as a kid, teenager. She won't sing in front of me, even after 4 years of being together. She's only stomached showing me a few videos of her singing, she's very critical of herself, but she has an amazing deep blues voice. She likes how I write, but I've never gotten around to it. I do poems every once in a while, but I'm not sure what could work. I think that rhyming scheme is too poppy.

>>71606311
super appreciate the feedback man. yeah, the snare is tough to get past, i know, biggest ragret of the whole thing. the piano parts are swung for sure, the lifetime movie part is also 3 against 4 so that might also be what you're hearing. In an ideal world I'd be able to record this with live instruments, my least favorite part is how smooth the instruments end up sounding and how messy the snare is, but so it goes.

i don't have a name for the project, just the poppiest of a few songs I threw together for a college project when I was 19. I have a couple more, but on one the MIDI instruments really stand out and the other is fairly forgettable other than the lyrics imo but I might post those too bc why not, all I'm really doing is not studying for my exam tomorrow

>>71606408
>>71606374
my main criticisms are just that the lyrics are really nonsensical, like too nonsensical imo. I also can't really get a feel for the meter, so the poppiness doesn't come through, at least not just from this.

>>71606410
Any chance of fixing the snare? Cause I do really like the track and it screws it up. The only thing the really sounds midi is that clarinet, but that might just be because I used to play the clarinet. Was I close with the Sufjan Stevens and Phil Elverum comparison?

>>71606425
It's about living in a depression and longing for a bright summer feel, using flight to escape a burning witch and forgetting arguments to stay in a ruined relationship.

>>71606455
yeah, if I ever really do it up right the snare part will be both way more rhythmically consistent and further in the background, it was really just a technical issue. Sufjan Stevens most definitely, a huge influence on me. Phil Elverum not as much, I actually don't listen to his projects much but I do see where you're coming from and I actually take that as a compliment.

>>71606459
i feel like the themes are too diverse and the lyrics too abstract for it to cohere and really make sense, at least from my perspective, but i like the last two lines pretty much as they are

>>71606491
Thanks breh will keep in mind.

>>71606481
You sounded, vocally, like a cleaner version of Phil to me. Huge fan of both so it was a compliment. You should do it up nice. Maybe with more real instruments (I'm assuming the piano was real or else that's a nice midi). I posted the waltz thing that's like the 4th post and I'm hoping to record live instruments (clarinet, acoustic guitar, piano, bass, and accordion). Ever thought about adding accordion?

>>71606536
damn thanks dude, sincerely. yeah I'm the anon who was giving you chordal feedback, if I follow which post was yours. If I add another texture it'll probably be cello or string bass, I worry that accordion will give this a little bit too folksy a vibe, but I'll definitely take that into account. Clarinet is a hella underrated instrument for any kind of pop/rock/whatever sound, and I definitely think it'd fit with what you have going on fwiw.

Here are the lyrics to a song I posted >>7160249 just wondering if anything sticks out as noticeably bad.


The ones we left behind were found further on ahead,
the dread of losing them was gone
Looked for all the wrong signs, forgot what the guide had said instead, the hunch we held was wrong
But the tree's had nothing to hide, even though I tried
To block them out

You're much too loud!
Then I heard a groan
"You're the one singing"

Everybody digs, they're digging in the ground
the sound, of moving earth will reach up to the sky
Forgot all that you've hid under your old ill fitting crown
but don't forget the mound, the mound that piles high

Like a saddle on a milk cow,
there is nothing that you have found that would be of any use
the only thing you have unearthed is a hang man, without a noose

The branches sway in harmony, though they never learned
They knew their song just naturally, so their leaves still yearn
The weeping willos doesn't cry for me, and who does the fir pine for?
With wider eyes it gets harder to see, our map is stained and torn.

Oh when you breathe in, you're wheeze.
And all your flowing rivers are going to freeze
Do not get caught up, in the comforting breeze
If you wanna leave here, you'll have to deal with me

>>71606140
This has got a great, poppy melody. Not really hearing Suf or Phil like that other fella, but regardless it does seem quite well put together. Slight vocal harmonies coming in the last minute are really nice, wish there was more of that. As a slight criticism, it almost sounds so pleasant that it could come off as a bit saccharine to some but that all depends on what you're going for.
>>71606374
>>71606459
Yeah like the other guy said, the imagery doesn't really concord with what you're trying to emote. I wouldn't call it "nonsensical" like he did, but either the words you chose have too much a personal association to really be communicative or are just otherwise not all that fit.

>>71606633

ah fuck >>71602491 is where the recording is

>>71606578
Oh shit didn't realize that was you. I recommended the accordion because a lot of the have switches. My dad was an accordion player (only Puerto Rican accordion I knew lmao) and his gretch accordion let's him split the sound into a bassoon or a clarinet with a switch if he wanted. I like the clarinet part a lot because it gives you the dynamic control of a clarinet while being easy to play. Just throwing it out there. Live cello is so nice, and I'd think it go well near the end.

>>71606633
what kind of genre are you going for here? I can provide some feedback still, but that'd help a lot.

some lines I really like
"the ones we left behind" thru "the hunch we held was wrong. I like the "forgot all that you've hid" line as well. Most of the other stuff is ok, but there are also a few lines I really don't like as much. The mount, the mound that piles high just feels weird to me, as does the whole "you're much too loud!" stanza. In general I'm a little turned off by how pastoral a lot of the imagery is, although thats probably A. a lot of personal taste and B. something that could be ameliorated by the musical content of the song.

also I'm >>71606140, and I appreciate the feedback. I'm super glad the melody and poppiness stands out, that's totally what I was going for. And I get that it's a bit saccharine too, I hope that if i rerecord it with real instruments in a real space some of that sheen will wear off and it will sound just a bit more organic. Thanks a lot, always nice when someone takes the time to listen to something you post.

>>71606657
oh damn that's dope, i actually didn't know that at all. I've thought about accordion in the past, just because as a pianist I imagine the learning curve wouldn't be too steep. only object with any of this stuff is money tho, as a broke college kid it's hard to move forward with any stuff like this lmao. like even the shitty production on the songs on that channel cost me like a couple hundred in total since i didn't know anyone personally who could hook me up

it's just like you
teaching fingers how to follow
burning books and dinning hollow
moving pictures in the room

it's just like you
turn a waltz into a wallow
say you'll pick it up tomorrow
but i don't think you ever do

>>71598040
>>71589875

Don't know what style you'd call it, but clean acoustic stuff I guess

>>71591196
Noted.

>>71602491
Got a Bandcamp? Soundcloud? Holy shit dude

>>71606831
what i like the most about this is how easily i feel like I can pick up on the meter and flow of the song just by reading the lyrics; i feel like they'll fit really neatly into whatever melody you've conceived for them. the "burning books and dining hollow" Idk if i understand, is "dinning" a typo, or just a word I don't know? I also think you could add something to "moving pictures in the room" maybe to spice it up, give it more distinct imagery. I also don't love the "waltz into a wallow" line but idk, I feel like with music these lyrics would be really solid. I'd be very curious to hear these with whatever melody you have in mind, or to hear what genre you're imagining.

To whom it may concern
Or even cares to be listening
Consider this here
My final will and testament
Because things have been
Just all falling apart recently
Had troubles in the past
But this time they might get the best of me
And I can be
A positive thinker for only so long
Before any hopes for improvement I had
Are all gone
So this song
Is letting everybody know how I felt
In case I'm not around
To tell everybody myself
Because I was dealt this hand
And played it the best that I could
But you can only go so far
When the hand you're dealt is no good
So I would
Like to give thanks to those that held me down
And fuck you to everyone that when needed
Could never be found
Remember what goes around
Comes back around even harder
Experienced it first hand
Had plenty of run ins with karma
But moving onward
Because I don't wanna sit here and dwell
As for what's gonna happen next
I guess only time will tell

>>71606780
Yeah I'm on that college budget too. Only mic I have is from a rock band game I don't think I ever owned lmao. If you play piano then you've already got the right hand of the accordion down. You only use the left for chords and bass. I'm hoping to buy a used sm57 and just record the piano in my colleges music room before I graduate next year.

>>71606694
I have a pretty heavy folk background, (the vocaroo I posted >>71602491 basically shows the framework I'll build the song off of when I properly record it). So yeah, some of the stuff that's bugging you might just be a matter of our different tastes, though the pastoral/woodsy imagery I'm actually trying to moreso use as a kind of foreign environment rather than just fetishizing it like some people in the genre tend to do.

Also I probably shouldn't have used it so vaguely, but the mound/pile is pretty important as its referring to the pile one makes with the excess dirt from digging a hole. It's sort of central to the point of the song so I think I'd have to keep that.

And yeah the "much too loud" part is pretty dumb, but it makes me laugh so I'll probably keep it too.

Anyways thanks for the honest critiques, and I bet your song really will benefit a lot from a more organic recording.

>>71606857
Hah thanks, my bandcamp is https://motelguide.bandcamp.com/releases though fair warning I'm not so pleased anymore with the EP I have on there. I'll get around to recording my new material one of these days.

>>71602491
this is really good, you have a nice guitar sound despite what you say and your voice is really nice as well. I'd recommend maybe cleaning up or tightening up the arrangement a bit, but this is genuinely really good, really nice to listen to. Another slight critique is that I find the lyrics very difficult to decipher. A lot of the original music that you hear, and also gets posted on this board, is just genuinely not that good. It's really refreshing to be able to say that this is really good. Where are you from?

>>71606892
lmao i responded to your sample in >>71602491
without realizing it was you. My overall impression is that you've got a genuine talent for song and melody. This is something that from where I'm at you should stick with and pursue, because I think you're genuinely better than 99% of internet musicians musically. Lyrically, I'm not as into it; I like that it lines up with the vocal melody fairly neatly, but the imagery just doesn't speak to me and sometimes feels a little stilted or awkward. That being said, nice job, you really got it man.

I can only make instrumental music and I think people kinda like....don't give a shit about that/listen to it much, which kinda sucks. Maybe when I get a vocalist I can make "real music" or w/e. Most people see the songwriter as being the person who sang it after all, and can't see past vocals.

>>71606879
to be ultra real, this reads like not that bad, but generic, poetry. For this to work, i think the music you've written to go with it has to be fairly superb. If you're looking on ways to improve or edit this, maybe try to deviate a little from some of the cliches or obvious rhymes.

>>71606948
what kind of instrumental music? I'd be down to listen to a sample if you have one handy, some of my favorite music doesn't have any vocals.

>>71598937
Nope. Songs are still written by people. They're so simple you dont need a computer. You only need a computer for writing technical stuff like bachian fugues

>>71602443
too many 7ths. What is this, jazz? 2 / 4 chords maximum should be 7ths.

>>71606898
Thanks a bunch man. I'll definitely clean things the more I work on it and the lyrics are intentionally a bit opaque in meaning, which I do for certain personal reasons, but I promise it's not just nonsense. And I'm from Texas.
>>71606923
Hah thanks again, that really is nice of you to say. I recognize my lyrics are a bit all over the place, which is a bit by design, but I'm always workin to improve. Really appreciate the thoughtful feedback.

>>71606860
thank you, thank you. sometimes i feel my biggest shortcoming is trying too hard to fit lyrics into a meter and limiting what i can actually use, so it's nice to hear someone thinks there's something more pleasant about it.
google defines din as a loud or prolonged noise, which would make the meaning of "dinning hollow" a bit more clear. i also agree completely about the "waltz into a wallow" line, alliteration whether intentional or otherwise makes my skin crawl so i guess it's a placeholder line more than anything.
most everything i write tends to fall into that whisper-y acoustic s/t-era-Elliott Smith category. honestly i'd be more interested in hearing what melodies you'd apply to it, i think what i have is pretty sub-par, lackadaisical dribble. but your words and input are much appreciated.

>>71606330
i think a lot of the rhyming lines are so exact that it comes across as a little corny, like the "tables/fables" couplet. some of the word choice is a little weird too, like "embering". I think it could also maybe improve with some tonal focus, like in the first stanza you mention a "pyre", which I associate with a very dark tone, and the next stanza sounds straight up walt disney ("wandering mile" is also confusing to me, kind of like "embering"). In the end a lot of it depends on how it interacts with the music, but that's what i get from just the text

>>71607016
alliteration isn't necessarily the problem, because I can totally get into some alliteration a la Paul Simon or something, but yeah, for lack of a better term there's just something a little off about it. I don't know that "dinning" is a verb, or at least I really really doubt most people will pick up on it or understand it as one, idk if "ringing" or a word like that would betray your meaning here but I think "dinning" is gonna be lost on a lot of people.

Yeah you're talking to someone who loves pop music, so there's a bias there, but I love when songs neatly fit into the meter, as long as it doesn't feel forced. Love me some Elliott Smith, so that sounds promising too.

You mentioned being open to hearing the melody I'd apply; I could vocaroo the melody I heard when I read it, if that's not too presumptuous

Now and then
I pace my place
I can't retrace how I got here

I cheat the light
To check my face
It's slightly harder than last year

Then all at once it gets
Hard to take
It gets
Hard to fake who I won't be

Cause one of these days I'll be
born and raised
and its
such a shame
to grow up lonely

I know I said "I love you" way more than I ever meant it
In hindsight, for me it was more hypothetic
But I doubt that I'll ever live to regret it
So the past is gonna have to stay right where I left it

Forget it

Trying to pull myself together from the end of my rope
But as I try the severed ties are beginning to show
And hope floats, but ships sink with this many leaks everywhere
As I assassinate my own character
Now any defamations a declaration of oneself
So to end the speculation I did it, no one else
Though some helped
But I'm not trying to get off track
Because that train has left the station so let's leave it at that

>>71607103
is this a rap?

>>71607111
It is.. kinda

>>71607098
feel like I can hear the meter in this just by reading it, so good job on that. a couple lines feel a little weird or awkward to me, though. "one of these days i'll be/born and raise" fits with the meter, but the "born and raised" part doesn't seem to thematically fit with the "one of these days" part, idk it just doesnt click for me. Also not a huge fan of "pace my place", but most of the rest of it is alright to good. really like the closing line, "such a shame to grow up lonely".

Curious what genre this is for?

I am a monster
Tell me what you see
It's so easy and clear to
Tell me everything

You always said you were fine
I should have known it would sour

Turn off the water faucet
And come out to this scene
I know you're there and behind it
Open up to me

You always said you were fine
And look how it turned out

Said I am a monster
I wasn't there for long
And now I look back and regret
The day you took it all

You always said you were fine
Look now I'm talking to your stone

I am a monster x4

>>71607111
i think it could work as a rap, and it certainly reads as rap/spoken word. I can't imagine any kind of music for it, which means that the music you've written for it should probably be kickass to make it work. if this is like a sung, more lyrical track, I think you should ditch some of the cliches and wordplay, because I think those tend to come across as a little cornier in melodic tracks than less melodic ones.

>>71607122
oops, this>>71607150
was for you

>>71607150
It is just that rap/spoken word which is why I said kinda

>>71607145
"I am a monster" feels r e a l l y on the nose to me. I love The National, and I love Conversation 16, but one of their worst lines is "I was afraid/I'd eat your brains/cuz I'm evil" and this line evokes that kind of overdirectness to me. I feel like you should honestly just practice songwriting, like keep writing and writing, because to me the main flaw of this is that the cadence feels kind of stiff, and the rhyming feels a little forced. I also don't understand how the couplets are supposed to fit in with the rest, although music might help clear that up.

>>71607170
yeah I feel like this is fine, if nothing groundbreaking. I'd like to hear it in a not-too-serious tone, I think that'd work best. If you wanna take it to the next level, I would try to edit out some of the more clever-sounding cliches. They could work, but the problem is they end up sounding kind of like punchlines a lot of the time, so if you're going for a more serious sound, I would try to refine those a little bit to put your own spin on them.

>>71601753

you could do this thing called sell them lol

>>71601616
>>71603415
First and foremost, your voice could use a little practice. I don't want that to deter you, because my voice used to be solidly worse than yours, and now it's pretty solid, so you probably just need to sing a lot and it'll work its way up. But if you're going for this sort of piano pop/singer-songwriter kind of sound, I think the core of your piano chops and vocal chops needs to be fairly polished. That said, I liked the second half of the melody a bunch, and the lyrics were strong in parts (nothing to worship stood out, but some of the other parts, like the bird part, didn't resonate with me much at all).

This probably is nitpicky, but I'm a pianist myself, and I think if this is the final arrangement, or close to it, you should really beef up your piano part too. Put some nice melodies in there, maybe weave them into the tenor range or something.

>>71607136
Singer/songwriter folk

>>71607174
I wrote that one after somebody I knew over Xbox just randomly sent a message out to all her friends saying she was killing herself shortly and deleted everyone and never got back online. The directness is personal, you know? We had all these plans to go to a music festival together since we lived just a few hours away.

The couplets are the chorus part. Maybe one day I'll record it in full. I love the guitar part. So simple and emotional. I'm not too good at lyrics I'm more of a guitarist than a lyricist anyways

>>71607215
yeah, i think it works for that, assuming you're going for a more melancholy vibe. I think this works as a verse, but obv for a more complete song I think something in that style should have a bomb chorus that ties it together, so for what some rando's opinion on /mu/ is worth that's where I think you should focus your energy.

>>71607224
i totally get the directness being personal, but i think right now it crosses a little bit over direct and becomes blunt, partly because of the way it seems like you really tried to squeeze it into the structure you had in mind. I think the core idea behind the song based on your story is solid, but if I were to give you real, real feedback I'd say that you should work on softening or smoothing out some of the lines, if possible. If you're more of a guitarist than a lyricist, then I assume the music is probably even better than the lyrics, so there's a solid chance that the lyrical content doesn't even matter as much relative to the overall quality of the song

>>71607188
Yeah the ships line especially is cringe worthy imo but I kept it as a placeholder, and Trainspotting was on while I wrote it hence the last bit lol. The tone is supposed to be somewhat serious I guess. I definitely see what you mean though and will revise with that in mind. Thanks for the feedback anon

>>71607068
not at all, i would love to hear it. i'm almost certain it'd be better than what i have, so it's open game.

perhaps the alliteration isn't the problem, but i generally try to avoid it and the fact it's there makes me queasy. there is just something off-putting and almost corny about the line, though, yeah.

"dinning" is a verb albeit not commonly used, and although "ringing" would still fit the meaning, i sort of have a thing about consonants and the way grouped words sound when read aloud (and also a thing about how certain words in certain contexts elicit certain feelings, though i may be missing the mark on that one). of course i'm not dismissing your criticism at all, if it's something you feel surely it's something others will feel.

>>71607098
i really love the line "I cheat the light to check my face". simple enough that it means nothing at all, vague enough that it's the most emotionally impactful line of the set even without the line following it.

>>71607267
yeah no problem at all dude, i'm up all night for school anyway so I figured I might as well throw some feedback at people in this thread, since a lot of other people post without giving anyone feedback

>>71607249
I get whatcha sayin b

But what do you mean by smoothing it out? (Maybe I am too much a guitarist at heart lol)

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>>71607274
Proof not all heroes wear capes

hey Mr spider crawlin’ up my wall
you're the only one thats came in here at all (at all)
so please now don't you try and fight
i know you scurry when i put on the light and I
Got a paper rolled In my hand, got a
Big shoe as a backup plan, so uh
dont worry bout those crevice and cracks, see you
Crawl thru and you crawl right back, so come home.

stay still behind the picture frame
gonna take it down, gonna take my aim (ohoh)
why you gotta come in my room, see theres
no place in here for you, see i
Worry about your presence for days, if i
dont see you flush down the drain, so I
Take a breath and observe the scene, with a
Exit plan strategy, so come on.

say hey Mr spider ya scared me dead
you disappeared when i turned my head (oh no)
now i gotta lie awake at night
knowing you have lost my sight, see i
contemplated this end game, and i
gotta fly and BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE DOWN

>>71607272
yeah, as with all criticism, if you prefer it your way rather than mine, go with that. honest art is best more often than not, so just do what you feel.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0nBTMb07uc4

a little quiet since my housemates are asleep, but this is the melody that formed when I first read it. i think if i spent a little time with it i could make it a little nicer, too, but this is just what the words wrote for me.

>>71607103
You should write for a metalcore band.

>>71607298
Like, certain lines feel constructed with extra words or too few, making them feel a little choppy or clunky. For example, "and come out to this scene", like half of the words are prepositions or conjunctions, it just kind of feels clunky. or like "its so easy and clear to/tell me everything". Like what does it mean to be "clear" to tell someone something? or "i know you're there and behind it", like it would just sound kind of awkward if someone said a sentence like that irl. idk, I really don't mean to rag on you too much, I'm just trying to figure out a way to articulate what I'm thinking.

In October 2015, I was out in the yard
I just finished splitting up the scrap two-by-fours into kindling
Glanced up at the half moon pick chill refinery cloud light
Two big blackbirds flew over, their wings whooshing and low

Two ravens, but only two
Their black feathers tinted in the sunset

I knew these birds were omens but of what I wasn't sure
They were flying out toward the island where we hoped to move
You were probably inside
You were probably aching, wanting not to die
Your body transformed
I couldn't bear to look so I turned my head west
Like an early death
Now I can only see you on the fridge in lifeless pictures

And in every dream I have at night
And in every room I walk into
Like here, where I sit the next October
Still seeing your eyes
Pleading and afraid, full of love
Calling out from another place because you're not here
I watched you die in this room then I gave your clothes away
I'm sorry, I had to
Now I'll move

I will move with our daughter
We will ride over water
With your ghost underneath the boat
What was you is now but bones
And I cannot be at home
I'm running, reef flailing

The second time I went to Haida Gwaii it was just me and our daughter
Only one month after you died my face was still contorted
Driving up and down, boots wet inside, aimless and weeping
I needed to return to the place where we discovered that
Childless, we could blanket ourselves in the moss there
For our long lives
But when we came home you were pregnant
And then our life together was not long
You had cancer and you were killed
And I'm left living like this
Crying on the logging roads with your ashes in a jar
Thinking about the things I'll tell you
When you get back from wherever it is that you've gone
But then I remember death is real
And I'm still here in Masset
It's August 12th, 2016
You've been dead for one month and three days

>>71607304
The Who beat you to it im afraid

>>71607328
And we are sleeping in the forest
There is sand still in the blankets from the beach
Where we released you from the jar
When we wake up, all the clothes that we left out are cold and damp just from the air permeating
The grounds opens up

Surrounded by growth
Nurse logs with layers of moss and life
Beyond the cedars, the sound of water
Thick salal
And God like huckleberries
The ground absorbs and remakes whatever falls
Nothing dies here
But here is where I came to grieve
To dive into it with you
With your absence
But I keep picking you berries

>>71607320
Wtf is metalcore lol

>>71607326
I guess I write what just sounds right for the verse, like cobain used to. I come up with lyrics by at first just mumbling random words that 'fit' the sound of my guitar and then work my way around it. That's how the easy and clear to line came to be especially

>>71607328
Some very good moments, some less good moments as well. the "half moon pick chill refinery cloud light" is so verbose as to be almost word salad, I have trouble extracting a meaning. I also felt like "I knew these birds were omens but of what I wasn't sure" was a little overt, maybe try to express that idea with metaphor or a little more subtly. i love the "I will move with our daughter" stanza, the whole thing is beautiful. same with the line "Childless, we could blanket ourselves in the moss there for our long lives", just lovely. "You had cancer and you were killed" feels again blunt in a way that's distracting, but then I suppose that could amount to personal taste.

>>71607339
I like this part of it way, way more. I thought it was very poetic, and natural. Love lines like "God like huckleberries" and most of the rest feels very smooth and sweet. I don't love "damp just from the air permeating", though, it just feels clunky, almost sterile in a way i think that detracts from the feeling of the rest.

I have to imagine this is very personal. If not, you convinced me that it was, which is the mark of good writing. Either way, thanks for sharing. It's not done, but I feel like there's something in this.

>>71607333
Wait whaaaat?

>>71607371
yeah, and that probably works for the music you're making, but if you wanna go the extra mile and clean up the lyrics, I would take what you get after the mumbling process and clean it up, try to find other ways of saying the ideas you initially came up with that might feel more fresh or elegant.

>>71607306
i quite enjoyed that. it actually sounds similar to what i had in mind, if it were a wee bit slower and pitched up a half step or so and there's a bit more of a definite resolution at the last line. you also have a much nicer voice than i do. thank you for sharing that with me, all your critiques will definitely be taken into consideration.

>>71607377
Look, he's crawling up my wall
Black and hairy, very small
Now he's up above my head
Hanging by a little thread
Boris the spider
Boris the spider
Now he's dropped on to the floor
Heading for the bedroom door
Maybe he's as scared as me
Where's he gone now, I can't see
Boris the spider
Boris the spider
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
There he is wrapped in a ball
Doesn't seem to move at all
Perhaps he's dead, I'll just make sure
Pick this book up off the floor
Boris the spider
Boris the spider
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
Creepy, creepy, crawly, crawly
He's come to a sticky end
Don't think he will ever mend
Never more will he crawl 'round
He's embedded in the ground
Boris the spider
Boris the spider

Not identical, but you have to admit bizarrely similar lmao

>>71607339
The second part seems too pretentious to me especially the thick salal and god like huckleberries part

It's like a hipster with a thick beard took too much acid and wrote a poem in the forest

>>71607373
>>71607396
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2R2Ck8qKWM

>>71607394
Oh my. I strait up re wrote a who song

>>71607393
yeah, i figured if i got a strong melody off it like that it couldn't be too crazy different from what you had in mind. it's no problem at all, im just glad i could offer something in some way. best of luck with it, curious to see if it pops up in another one of these threads with maybe a bridge or a chorus slapped on to it, i like what you've got goin on

>>71607403
lmao i got a feeling it was a real song but not strong enough to check. that's what i get for blindly trusting /mu/ i guess

>>71607403
I feel like if you simplified the lyrics and made it rhyme more that would be an amazing song and I'd listen to it daily.

Dying light
Of blue and green
Sorrow lies
In envied dreams
Denied inside
It hides beneath
Out of sight
So clear to see
Endless nights
And silent screams
Loss of life
A tragic scene
As dawn arrives
Morning brings
Bloodshot eyes
A crimson king

>>71607424
lol, it ain't that anon. that's Mount Eerie. Unless Phil is a /mu/tant. The song is about his wife who died last year from cancer.

Jesus christ did y'all really have to bring the Phil lyrics in here. I just finished the album and came here to take my mind off it.

>>71607425
mixed bag here for me. there are definitely a couple super duper cliche's that I'd strike or rewrite completely ("so clear to see" and "a tragic scene" being the two main ones) but I am nothing if not consistent, and I like that you seem to have an idea of the meter and an idea of how to put words into that meter in a way that rarely feels stilted. I also don't love the assonance of "denied inside" and the internal rhyme, it's just a little much for me as well. For this song to work i think the music would have to match the drama I get from this, but otherwise I do think you have something to work with here

>>71607431
Oh. Shame on you anon for that

I feel like saying this makes me a dick after knowing it's for a dead wife but man do those lyrics just irk me with its nonsensical pretention and how it's kinda off beat when he sings some of the lines. It's a shame because the guitar is very good.

$27.20
$27.20
It's not much to you but in the ghetto it's plenty

From my new trap album, pls r8

>>71607403
lol, tricked me there. Good song.

>>71607449
Nature has always been a large part of his music/lyrics, so context is necessary.

scale of 1-10 how uncomfortably cheesy are these lyrics? I have a great melody for them but I can't come up with lyrics I'm satisfied with

Carry me on careful arms and
Tuck me into bed, love
Carry on with wedding songs and
Slip into the sea
Whatever were the chances that you’d
Glimmer in my future
Of all the great romances who’d have thought you’d be the one for
Me
Kindle forth a kinder thought to
Quell the situation
Forever is a gentle knot that
Tightens til the end
Fell in you like sticky honey
When our eyes were younger
Still you curl and shape your words and
Whisper them so sweet
For me
Lovers split and lovers lorn are
Cool as new December
Lover’s spit and lover’s scorn is
Hotter than July

>>71607449
I don't see how anything there is nonsensical or pretentious, in fact it's by design incredibly blunt and raw given the subject matter, probably the same thing with the vocal performance.

It seems like this is the first time you've listened to Phil? If so, this really is not the best place to start. The entire album is an intentionally jarring shift from even his own conventions, which makes sense considering his wife fucking died a few months ago.

>>71607486
4/10 cheesiness. not as bad as you may think.

could be good depending on the accompanying music

>>71607498
>>71607449
yeah i don't really get the nonsensical pretension, I don't feel like there's anything in this song that doesn't make sense, it feels very raw and real to me. My only criticism is how direct it is; i can enjoy mount eerie and have in the past, but I just appreciate a personal subject expressed delicately rather than bluntly more often than not, or if it is blunt then at least make it a little more deft

>>71606879
>>71607103
>>71607425
So seemingly cliches are one of my issues lol

>>71607519
huh, that genuinely surprises me. any lines that stand out as particularly bad/cheesy to you anyway?

http://vocaroo.com/i/s09jIsfGH33r

also this is the melody, not as great being so quiet and without accompanying instrumentals but it's 5:37 am over here so I'm working with what i got.

>>71607454
"..."

>>71607535
lmao they're basically all of our issues, i wouldn't worry about it. everyone naturally tends towards cliche to some degree, the only way to get out of it is to write song after song and naturally develop your own voice and steer away from it consciously.

everyone aboard
we set off from the shore
i’ve learned from my past
i’ve drawn on the board
enough to be heard
enough to be sure
that things will go their way
and everythings ok

everythings alright
we’re searchin’ all the time
tryna find a way
through one more day
and i could try to hide
all these faults of mine
but what good is it?
everythings alright

we’ve sailed from the shore
it’s time to give report
last quarter was
a little bit short
it took a long time
to make things alright
but things hold their sway
and everythings ok

everythings alright
we’re searchin’ all the time
tryna find a way
through one more day
and i could try to hide
all these faults of mine
but what good is it?
everythings alright
and everythings ok
im glad you found the time
you made it alive
so hope for the best
everything’s alright

>>71607522
I'm just mad a nigga said thick salal and god like huckleberries in a lyric. That's pretention at its finest

>>71607591
this is, uh, really really cliched. like the music would have to be really bomb to make this stand out, the only line that's remotely memorable is "last quarter was a little bit short".

>>71607557
I like that melody a lot and good morning from Florida lol

>>71607600
i like god like huckleberries what's so wrong with that

>>71607444
Thanks for the feedback. Can you explain this "meter" you speak of?

>>71607604
thanks dude appreciate the feedback fr real. I'm up in MD covered in ice and really not excited about walking 2 miles in 20 degree weather to take an exam but here i am and if i have to click on another GODDAMN store front I'm gonna lose my already tenuous grip on sanity d e s u

>>71607571
That or I keep the cliches and make sure all the music is godly lol

>>71607620
it's like, in this case, since i'm just looking at lyrics, i'm using it more in the poetic way than the musical way. so not 4/4 or 3/4 or anything like that, but the way the words fit together as a structured rhythm. The more natural a meter comes across on a page, the more naturally I can imagine a melody. Like if a meter is natural enough, a matching melody writes itself in my head as i read it. so in this case, it didnt feel clunky, i could imagine how it might flow as a song, and it fit together pretty naturally.

>>71607602
Easy rhymes my friend.

Easy rhymes.

>>71607642
lmao also an option, everyone can get down to "love me do" and that's like, cliche: the musical.

>>71607614
I feel like huckleberry is a word that has zero place to be sung ever.

>>71607600
He's just describing the plants he sees in the forest he went to with his daughter. What the fuck is pretentious about that.

I mean he's literally just recounting his actual experience, how the fuck can that even be pretentious.

>>71594399
I like this. imagining it in the style of Destroyer.

>>71607646
you can do easy rhymes and still be less cliched than this, though, like "when i'm 64" has hella easy rhymes and isn't really cliched at all

>>71607628
Np bro stay strong and keep hope alive. I feel your pain it's 52° here which equates to -30° for Floridians

>>71607602
It's a pop-y folk song if that clears the cliche part up any

>>71594399
i ask, cuz i'm not sure: do anybody make real shit anymore?

>>71607666
yeah, idk man, i think you can strive for better, more involved lyrics. like this is about one step above "i'm feeling very mad, it makes me really sad, and really, oh, i don't know what to do". If you're cool with them being just like white bread cliches and think the music will carry them that's genuinely totally cool, but idk why you posted them as raw lyrics in a feedback thread if that's the case

>>71607652
How it's all worded like someone was dying to sound so in touch with nature maaaan. Thick salal and god like huckleberries is ripped straight from a Starbucks drinking, obscure vinyl buying, tandem bike riding, flannel wearing douches cedar oak string bound notebook.

>>71607643
I see. I appreciate the clarification. You seem to know a lot about this

>>71607696
what? i mean this is a literalist description of a place he actually went. idk why it feels inauthentic to you, it's literally based on a real place and experience he had.

>>71607699
yea, i have a pretty diverse background musically, like I've made money as a jazz musician and got through two years of classical piano in college before I realized how much i hated it and changed my major. still thinking about trying to make it as a musician or songwriter, but for now I'm just posting feedback on /mu/ so who knows if that'll ever happen

>>71607690
Ok it's not that cliche, I'm not a thick salal and god like huckleberries kind of writer obviously

>>71607746
hahahah yeah and you don't have to be if you don't want to be, but i think you can do simple, easy rhymes and still do a little more than "everything's alright, everything's okay" etc. idk i'm just trying to give real feedback since you posted something, but there's nothing like actively repellent about the lyrics, they're just not really substantial. like your lyrics feel like this was a first draft, that this was fairly easy for you to write and you didn't push yourself to refine them. Again, that's legit totally fine, but I feel like you could make lines like "but things hold their sway/and everythings okay" say a little bit more or say it a little bit better. Just my 2 cents tho im a 4chan internet stranger

>>71607535
And another one lol


Born hopeless from the start
Torn apart by a broken home
Mom's just a drunk
And pop's was a rolling stone
Left to face on her own
A world so big
She's all alone
But she's just a kid
And at night she sits
In the dark afraid
Because mommy's bottles empty
And her step dad's awake
So she hopes and prays
That it ends today
But in her bed he lays
So she drifts away
So tragic watching Alice
Fall deeper down the rabbit hole
When will it all stop
No one really know
But the apple never falls far from the tree
So just like her mom she was destined to be
Now drink after drink
Just to ease the pain
Trying to drown the memories
In a bottle of shame
So she swallows the blame
And she empties her cup
But with her own tears
She'll fill it back up

>>71607696
kill yourself.

His wife died and he went camping and he's talking about what he saw. Stop projecting your own obnoxious shit into it.

I'm almost 100% sure I'm taking bait here but I don't care.

>>71607771
Pretty much all my lyrics are first drafts so I do see your point. I wish I could record me playing the music so it would come together.

>>71607745
What'd you switch to? You definitely should give it a try bro. What type of music do you prefer writing/playing and do you have a soundcloud or anything we could check out?

>>71607772
A step above >>71607591
In terms of cliches

>>71607808
Even for a rap?

>>71607781
His wife dying has nothing to do with empty descriptive bullshit. Him and mark kozekek must peg each other

>>71607790
yeah, i 100% have faith that it sounds way more complete and is elevated a ton by the music, but only going off of the lyrics I really feel like you could push yourself to say more. like maybe instead of "it took a long time/to make things alright/but things hold their sway/and everythings okay" maybe like "it hasn't been quick/ to get to the good/but the better's on its way/and everything's okay"

I mean i'm really not trying to be too revisionist or personal about it, I just feel like there's a way to keep it simple and not change your theme that also is more expressive to the listener and doesn't call attention to the basicness of the lyrics.

>>71607811
Check out some biggie smalls lyrics

>>71607829
"T-bone steaks and welches grape"

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7KB, 258x257px

>>71607819
>describing things in songs is bad

Stop backpedaling because you're an edgy fag who lashes out at stereotypes that don't even exist anymore.

>>71607797
I've lately just been trying to make catchy indie pop with good lyrics.

I'm >>71606140 this anon, the youtube I linked has two other songs posted as well. The production is super rough, it's all I could afford at the time, but I think the essence of the songs is still there.

I'm studying government and politics now, likely gonna pursue education or environmental policy at the rate I'm going. I'd love to put myself out there as a musician, it's just hard to make that leap of faith this early when I don't have anyone else musical around me to jump with me

>>71607819
this has confirmed itself as bait, but I'm a dirty little slut so I'm just gonna swallow it anyway.

It's not empty; the "god like huckleberries" line represents him feeling a connection to a great force, his wife, the beyond, god, whatever, in this simple and rich natural landscape. A connection with the earth, and his daughter and wife, especially because that's where he scatters her ashes, it seems. It's a symbol, not just description.

>>71607824
Well the verse needs the rhyme in tIME and alRIght to make it flow. How it's sung. On paper it looks hella cliche but how I sing it, it flows so good to me. The melody is so relaxing

But lol it's alright you are being helpful b

>>71607837 they heard about the rolexes and the Lexus with the Texas license plate outta state. They heard about the pounds up in georgetown and they heard ya got half of Virginia locked down.
They even heard about the crib ya moms bought in Florida the fifth corridor call the coroner

I love cherries too

>>71607858
Thanks for confirming the pretention I'm talking about.

I'm gonna write a song about blue crab cakes and thick salal brb

>>71607891
Never was a biggie fan, sorry

>>71607909
Whaaaaaat impossible.

Also, Did you write the $27.20 lyric a bit ago in this thread?

>>71607848
I see the vision. Really like that "you" song. You definitely should give it a shot and pursue it anon. Nothing worse than letting talent go to waste

>>71607932
Yeah I'm a Pac kinda guy (born in California) though I do admit biggies a better "lyricist" I just never liked his songs. And no I'm not the "$27.20 bandit" lol

>>71607945
Thanks man, the little comments really do add up when it comes to stuff like this. You was the one i thought was the most marred by production issues, so im happy to hear you could still enjoy it. The more time goes by the more i feel like i gotta go for it, so maybe it is just a matter of time. Either way thanks for taking the time to check out my stuff, i really appreciate it

>>71607208
Thanks m8

>>71588668
cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum

(hook)
cum cum cum cum (cum cum cum) cum cum cum cum