Writefags' Guild - Guess I'm OP Now Edition

>>30821811
Tips and links:

Writefags' Guild Discord Chat: https://discord.gg/XNM2tVS

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>30821813
Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

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Alright. So I finished boot camp, and have been disappointed to find this thread completely dead since I've been back. I, for one, believe it imperative for a writing forum of any kind to have a dedicated place for writers to improve and converse with one another. I don't want to take over these threads in the permanent, as little guy is infinitely more qualified than I, but if no one else will do it, then I'll keep track of them.

I have no idea if the links are updated or need to be changed. I simply copied over the OP and initial post text from the last thread I could find archived.

As for me, I'll be here to answer questions to the best of my ability, but also to ask for feedback. Come one, come all, and don't be afraid to ask questions, even if you think they're dumb!

>>30821837
I'm not a native english speaker. Is there a place online where I can grammar check?

>>30822074
Here's one I use on occasion.
http://www.hemingwayapp.com/

>>30821837
I can help out with providing critiques. I've done a few when little guy was out. Also, what happened to him? I hope he's just busy

>>30821837

I'm not a pony centric author, but I'd be glad to offer critique and assistance here.

Helping other writers improve is a good way for me to pay back to the craft.

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>>30822741
I don't know. I went off to Basic Combat Training, so I was completely cut off from the world for 2.5 months. When I get back, no more guild. I do too, he was incredibly skilled.

>>30822764
Thanks, experienced feedback suppliers are always in high demand.

Up

>>30822944

Army?

I don't know who the guy you're talking about is, but hopefully, he'll either come back or we'll find someone just as good/better down the line.

Would you rather have the whole shit, at 16k words, or just a part of it?
With
>meme arrows
or without?

>>30824320

If you're posting it off of the board, it's probably better to just give all of it.

>with or without meme arrows
matters not to me.

>>30824362
https://pastebin.com/uEPS2rrh
Without meme arrows because I corrected some grammatical and other errors when I read through it all as I removed them.
I tried asking for any feedback in the thread I post in but got none.

>>30824227
>or we'll find someone just as good/better down the line
That's not likely to happen. I don't wanna suck little guy's dick, but he went to school for literature. He's a prolific reader, and writer.

>>30824320
Doesn't matter. Some prefer pastebins, because it's easy to organize when providing feedback, but others prefer posting it here, because it fills out the thread.

>>30824512

There's always another fish. That's why I also hoped that he'd come back

>>30824476

I need to ask for some clarification, to better understand.

So far I've gotten up to the part where it says 'Twilight Sparkle' and then says
'You and a guard were'

Am I correct in saying that the 'you' here is Twilight Sparkle? That it's...second person perspective?

I don't see it used often, so it's kind of off putting, and a little confusing.

>>30824553
You're correct. Remember, it was originally written as
>greentext
which is why it's in 2nd person.

>>30824611
Greentext is not exclusively 2nd person.

>>30824611

Just making sure. It's a little jerky to go to second person, but at least if I'm measuring it by its own standards I'll actually criticize problems rather than quirks of the format.

>>30824476

I am not finished yet, but I'm about halfway through and I was wondering why the story was dragging.

It's not particularly as if you write a boring or poorly written tale. In fact, you seem to use terminology that doesn't force the reader to bounce out of the story to use a dictionary or search for meaning.

Then I got it. You seem to favor longer sentences.

There's nothing wrong with this in moderation, but too many of them slows the reader down the same way that reading five word sentences one hundred times would take a dog's age.

>>30824619
Most greentext is 2nd person. How many greentexts have you read?

>>30824476

Line 419: Princes Luna needs an extra s.

Aside from this, I have not noticed anything extremely out of sorts that I have not already mentioned in my other replies.

While second person is very janky to me, and I am CERTAINLY not a fan of trying to write in it, you have used it well.

>>30824736
I'm not sure how to fix that. I mean, I guess I could go over the story once more and cut some sentences in half but I feel like that'd be more of a band-aid than a real fix.

>>30824924
>>30824736
After a brief looking-over I can see what he means. However, I believe it not the length of your sentences that matter so much as your use of conjunctions and "function" words. You seem to put too many conjunctions, breaks, and syntax words into your writing. The English language is complex, meaning there's no right way to do this, but asyndeton is generally advisable wherever possible.

Essentially, I believe you include too many conjunctions and too many qualifications in your writing. It's similar to what hampers my writing. Simply learning to implement single-clause sentences at stylistically sound intervals should be enough to mitigate most negative effects.

>>30824924

Well, sadly, without a full rewrite, basically, it's something to keep in mind in the future.

I'm very much of a mind that you should always keep a version of your past stories with the mistakes left in, so you never forget where you've been.

>>30824945

I do a similar thing. Or at least I'm trying not to, now. I didn't connect qualifiers and conjunctions to the problem, but it certainly makes sense upon hearing about it.

bump from 9

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>>30826947

>Derpy used to be good
Why is God so cruel?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUY_FgoEXMY

>>30824945
>>30824950
Now that I've slept on it I still feel like I should do something to it. If the beginning is boring to read, any new readers are going to be discouraged and drop it before reaching the part where it becomes better.
That won't do. Especially since I haven't posted the prose version anywhere yet.

>>30831144

Rewriting it can't hurt you. Worse come to worst, the experience of rewriting it will tell you things about yourself.

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>>30831144
This will not go unchecked

>thread asks for writefags
>write something
>get told to fuck off by only reply
There is no god.

>>30831908
Stop sucking.

Seriously though, your first few times are likely to be rough. Not every time I write is a hit

>>30831908
What post are you referring to?

>>30832322

It was a while ago. Would link it if I remembered the particulars.

I wrote about 200 lines of green just to trash it afterwards. I realized I hadn't set up a proper conflict (something that has been lacking in my previous stories). Any helpful suggestions on how to do this well? I'm trying not to overdo it but all stories need a conflict.

>>30833806

You need to understand your conflict or at least have a basic idea before you begin writing.

Did you save the writing or actually erase it, because if you post it on a pastebin or whatever we might be able to make suggestions based on the writing itself.

Either way, know your antagonist (or what incites the drama, if it's not a person in particular), and know why things are trying to go the way they're going.

If Twilight's being a bitch to Rarity because of her own self-confidence issues and anxiety, then obviously Twilight's insecurities are the antagonizing force.

>>30833832
I saved it and will have to get to it later.

I wanted to write a romance. There's obviously the tension and other stuff to work through in dating but it's not as obvious as an adventure story so I had trouble with it a bit. I had one conflict established but it wasn't part of the main story per say.

Thanks for the pointer Anon. I'll try and rethink what the overarching conflict is for the story since I think the problem was I didn't have a clear picture of it myself.

>>30834003

It's one of the hardest things to realize you need to do, and one of the easiest things to do once you know you need to do it.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/381697/1/the-lost/chapter-1-the-chase

review this

>>30834759

I don't know enough about the characters to really like them. I also think the stallion's forgiveness of the griffon is a little...iffy.

If someone just tried to eat me, I'd probably be at bit more arm's length.

I think you might have benefited from starting earlier, but if what comes next is good, then I think you'll be just fine.

>anon gimme dat butts
>anon: "know"
rate my flutterrape

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I need a bit of grammar/use of quotation marks, capitalization etc. help.
The context is a rambunctious Granny Smith telling a tale to a crowd.
---
"She rolled with the nest in her arms while Bloomy as you know was one of the fastest slingshooters in the west so she didn't dawdle from the ringing in his ears or the incredible luck she had-

Smith motioned an act-

"-and grabbed her prized spare from her left boot!"
-and incited a roar of laughter as she pulled a rotten sock from her left shoe.

>>30837642

End the first line with the following

."

Don't line break; keep 'Smith motioned an act.' on the same line. (note the period)

It's optional whether you want to line break after this.

"And grabbed her prized spare from her left boot."

The use of hyphens here is superfluous; the action (as opposed to the use of a verb like said, exclaimed, etc) is already a big hyphen.

>>30837748
Wouldn't it be better if the first line/dialogue ended in an ellipsis or a comma?

>Smith motioned an act on the same line
Yeah that definitely seems more proper.

>the use of —
Yeah I'm a bit new to the use of hyphens especially when it comes to inserting an extemporary action with the same character's narration. What's the best reason to use a hyphen for dialogue breaks?

>>30837851

>Ellipsis
You can do it that way, certainly. I would be wary of overuse, but that's an easy thing to fix if you're aware of it.

>Comma
Depending on your punctuation style, this is wrong unless the verb after the dialogue connects with the dialogue.

"The caveman, he's the sheriff," he murmured. (said, exclaimed, shouted, etc)

as opposed to

"You shot me." His eyes fell shut, and he died.

>>30838882
I remember back in the old threads when the tripfag whose name I forgot once said that ellipsis is to be avoided at all costs.

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Let's talk about that green you never finished. Why didn't you finish it?

What did you have planned that you never got to write out?

>>30834759
I only looked over it briefly, but what stood out to me the most was your weak and inconsistent use of verbs. The first two paragraphs alone are riddled with sentence fragments. I realize that may be a conscious stylistic choice, but if it is, keep in mind that it is a rather poor one. If not, make sure your sentences always include an action. A sentence must always have "something doing something".

But when there are properly-placed verbs and actions, they are generally weak and uninteresting. Example:
>Tree after bush quickly went past him
"Went"? How about "blurred" or "dodged" or even just "sped"? Make it interesting. This is far from the only example, and it would appear that most of your actions are punctuated by weak verbs (went, was, did, were, you get the point).

Anyway. Plot review isn't really where I shine, so I'll just recommend that you make sure your story is good and makes sense as you write.

>>30839459
The reason why people say that is because it's REALLY goddamn easy to use a lot of them.

>>30839459
Ellipses are very useful when used sparingly. They can provide breaks and pacing in dialog that are otherwise difficult to create.

Good morning

I'm somewhat tempted to post a long fic I wrote half a year ago. It was my first attempt at writing a short novel-length story but I stopped writing it as it took too much of my precious free time back then, but I did finish about three quarters of it. When I came back to it I just felt like the issues it had were too numerous and foundational and also felt like its premise and some of the scenes in it were a bit cringeworthy, so I abandoned it.

I don't think its terrible though, just not good. It's about 70k words but only about 40-50k words are somewhat polished. Anyone want to read it and provide feedback?

The premise is that ponies get sick of Celestia doing nothing for the security of the kingdom (she just sits on her ass and lets the M6 or others do the job for her) and demand her abdication. They're led by a stallion who turns out to be a masterful manipulator wanting to get revenge on Celestia and to a lesser extent Twilight. The M6 have to choose whether to support Celly or their friends and family.

>>30845815
Post it. Someone will read it. If anything, I'll read a bit of it, and give you feedback on the first few chapters or so. If I read the whole thing, it'll take some time to get through.

>>30840043
I might as well talk about it. I've had several unfinished projects, but one in particular became my baby. I posted an outline of the story here once before, just over two years ago, and got some feedback on it. I eventually scrapped it some time later, and then tried to do it again. And honestly, the outline came out much better the second time, but it's still never come to fruition.

The basic premise is that Anon has anterograde amnesia for years, and his wife has been taking care of him. I wanted to portray it more accurately, and actually dive into the condition, and what happens to brains with it. On the surface, it's about amnesia, but deeper down, I wanted to use it to explore the struggles of marriage, the anxiety and emotions surrounding one's own death, and the how imbuing meaning into one's life can combat those emotions.

The story alternates between following Anon around during a single day, and his wife during flashbacks. Anon's amnesia causes his memory to only extend back just a few hours, so by the time he wakes up, his previous day is completely gone for him. Since his memory only extends so far, he feels disconnected from the world around him, that he can't trust the stability of his life, and worries that someday he's going to wake up in a place even more unfamiliar. So, his wife becomes the only thing he can be certain in.

When it switches to the perspective of Anon's wife, it goes over the history of their relationship, both before and after the accident causing Anon's condition. Their marriage has a little falling out early on, but they start working on improving their relationship by doing little things for each other. All these tiny gestures and favors help build the marriage back up to the point where they can discuss having a family. Anon is against it, because of selfish reasons, but having a family means everything to his wife, and she eventually convinces him to get on board.

>>30847688

While they're making plans and preparations for starting a family, Anon has his accident, completely blindsiding them. He gets sent to the hospital, and gets treated, meanwhile, his wife questions what she should do. She initially tries to help, but after realizing how difficult it would be to get him to be functional, she gives up on him. She leaves Anon and tries to start again. She feels guilty about leaving him, but tries to push it down, and make excuses on why it's the right thing to do. After an affair, she finally comes to terms that she can't leave Anon. She comes back and makes the decision to take care of him, and help him make a full recovery.

Well, she quickly finds out that he'll never make a full recovery. Ever. He'll be lucky to be functional enough to care for himself completely. Pile that with the fact that he's a totally different person, and almost unrecognizable to her in terms of his personality, she gets even more tempted to leave him for good and start over. But, she sticks with him in spite of all the conflicts that come with his different personality, and struggle of his condition. She tries all sorts of methods to help him along, but almost nothing really does it. She does land on something though. She upholds the little promises she made to Anon before his accident, and that has an effect on him. The little favors they did for each other years back to improve their marriage start to manifest in Anon. The more she does, the more she sees her old husband come out through Anon, and soon he starts doing the little favors he promised years ago.

>>30847692

Coming back to Anon's condition, the reason he does those things, and the reason he gives for them are completely different, which are different from why he used to do them. Like the manner in which he does the dishes. Long ago, he promised that he would do the dishes the way his wife preferred, which meant that the cups had to be facing a certain way when he put them in. Before his accident, he would do them as she asked, but always turn one the wrong way, just as a form of little rebellion and fun. After his accident, he does the same thing, but it's because the process was ingrained into his behavior. He doesn't realize this, so when his wife asks why he does this, he gives different excuses, like "wabi-sabi" or "I just like it that way" which isn't true. It's just his brain creating an explanation out of nowhere, and he gives all kinds of excuses for behaviors he doesn't understand.

So, their marriage, and Anon's condition, keep improving to the point where they can have a healthy relationship and existence. In the midst of this, romantic tinges work their way up again for them. From there, the marriage keeps getting more positive and loving. At this point, Anon's wife comes to accept her life for what it is, and let go of the idea of having a normal family experience, and instead finds meaning in improving the marriage. This is solidified when the wife's mother passes away, and when Anon comforts his wife, she knows that their connection goes beyond the day-to-day experience.

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>>30847692

Which brings the story back to the present day. Everyday for the last couple of years has been the same for them. All those years of work, and commitment, and reconnecting finally culminate in Anon. He's had this feeling towards his wife growing, and until now, has never really labeled it, either out of uncertainty, or fear that it's not real love. So, in the end, Anon decides that while he still has his wife, that he will dedicate his existence to making her life easier, considering how much effort she's put in, knowing that he's probably made this decision hundreds of times, and will probably do so for the rest of his life. He finally says that he loves her, which overwhelms her, partially because she never expected it, but also because she knows that it's an authentic experience for him, and that her work has paid off in a sense.

So that's my pet story which will probably never get done. Here's a picture of Anon's wife. Her name's Autumn Love. I went with an OC, because I wanted the reader to go into the story like Anon. I didn't want the reader to bring their expectations and knowledge of any established character to the story. I wish I could have made the synopsis more brief.

>>30824476
I finally got around to editing this. Didn't make any major changes, but quite a lot of smaller ones. Not a rewrite by any means.

I've updated the pastebin so if someone feels like going through it again and telling me whether what I did was helpful at all, that'd be neat.

>>30847706
Two things spring to mind.
One, it's going to be difficult to write because you have to make your readers feel what the characters feel or the story will fall flat.
Two, it doesn't have anything to do with ponies. I mean, I guess you can have it happen in Equestria if you want. But it could as well be in Seattle, Munich or Hangzhou.

But if you can pull it off, it's going to be one hell of a ride.

>>30848511
Those are both reasons why I was hesitant about actually writing it. The second reason more so. I really like the idea, and desperately want to set it in Equestria, but like you said, there's no reason to.

Good to see the guild is back. Been missing it for a while now.

>>30849612
Just need to find the old crew of editors and reviewers.

>>30845637

>>30839459
>Ellipsis...
Most style guides dislike them and various ghosts from past centuries. (And that hate has been inherited through generations.)

Hopefully this will change and the use of hyphen, en dash and em dash will in part be replaced with ellipsis, parenthesis and other forms of punctuation.
(Will also make it easier to find the proper minus operator among all those lines.)

Lazy scribes of old, who preferred to just draw a line of various length, is being replaced by people who is limited to what glyphs are easily accessible on their keyboard.

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>>30840043

Well, I started writing a story for the Dazzling thread. My first mistake was that I was writing by the seat of my pants rather than having a concrete plan.

The general premise was that after the Battle of the Bands, the Dazzlings are broke and need money. So they all sleep with Anon, who is known to have rich parents, in hopes that one of them will get pregnant so they can ream his ass for child support.

Unfortunately for Anon, all three of them got pregnant. This story's Anon was intentionally written as an asshole, so he generally tried to squeam his way out of taking responsibility by any means possible.

The sirens figured out where he lived, and told his parents before he did. They had a fake sob story about being poor Mexican immigrants. Anon got punished severely for that but he had no plans of taking that lying down. He ropes his friends into helping him try to expose the sirens as the gold diggers they really are, starting a little 'shadow war' between the two groups.

I wanted the story to be a constant battle of oneupsmanship between Anon and Adagio as they fuck up each other's plans.

I wrote about one 'chapter' a day for about a week, but after that I stopped because I simply had no idea where to go or how I wanted to end the story.

One suggestion that was given to me was that eventually Anon and Adagio would develop a mutual respect for each other's scheming abilities, which would then blossom into attraction. But I didn't want to go in a shipping direction for this.

>>30851462

I wrote that in summer of 2015, so it's been a little over two years since then. Occasionally I find myself thinking about this story again and possibility resuming it, or at least starting over so I have a chance to figure out everything I wanted to do.

But I don't really have time for that anymore given my personal life. So it just sits unfinished in a pastebin and on desuarchive.

>>30847174
Alright here's the first chapter:
https://pastebin.com/t9Tbku1G

>>30851462

You could always fall back, figure out an ending, and write a version two with your ending in mind.

Most green texts end up being 'polished first drafts' that don't have the same consideration a final draft of a real story would have.

So no one will notice if you just make a version two unless you say so.

Just a thought.

>>30852149

I could do that. Might as well post the original version so y'all can point and laugh.

https://pastebin.com/NBphn6Eb
http://pastebin.com/ih8he1RQ
https://pastebin.com/9vdHEnDX

>>30852021
On the first line:
You mention THE railway platform but haven't mentioned one before; which railway platform do you mean? The [something] refers to a specific instance of [something], you can't use it to introduce an instance of [something] unless you immediately specify which instance it is.
Suggestion: Rainbow Dash landed on the railway platform of Canterlot Station, raised her hoof high and shouted "The cavalry has arrived!"
Also: you say that Rainbow Dash landed on the platform, which implies that she was flying and should've seen that the station was empty; why did she shout her proclamation?
Second line: An empty railway station can't respond. On the next line you mention that Rarity steps out of a carriage, so the railway station isn't actually empty despite you telling us that it is.

I read a bit of it and, well, it's bad. Almost every line has something wrong with it.
Entered inside? What does that even mean? Why does Pinkie refer to them as "guys" when the only guy is Spike?
I'll just stop here and let someone with a bit more patience take over.

>>30853249
I should've mentioned I'm not a native speaker of english, so it explains some of the weird language, like "entered inside". It'd sound normal in my tongue.

>Use of "The"
I know how to use the definitive article. I do not know why I used it there. You're right, that's an odd mistake.

>Rainbow Dash
RD wasn't flying, she hopped out of the train wagon. I'm pretty sure I originally wrote that but then cut it for some dumb reason, hence why you got confused.

>Station responding
That's not literal, it's a metaphor. Or was supposed to be. Does it really sound weird to you?

>Rarity
The station is empty. She stepped out of a passenger car, called a carriage in UK english. My english is a mix of both US and UK and I know that can get confusing. Do you think a writer should try to write exclusively in US English?

>"guys" comment
DYEWTS? The ponies use it multiple times.

Thanks for providing feedback. It'd be great to read more of it as no one besides me has ever read this abandoned text, or my narrative writing in general. Your reactions are pretty interesting for I expected you to critique completely different things.

>>30848354
Character behavior in the prelude is a little too incongruous for my tastes. There’s no precedent to explain why these ponies are so hostile to a hitherto unknown being, especially considering that Anon shows no aggression himself and the fact that he’s unconscious. It’s also far too convenient how Celestia just so happens to hear the commotion at a presumably bustling market from inside her castle. And do I even need to point out how the ponies simply deciding to name this creature “Anonymous” without any external inclination or provocation is in of itself an enormous contrivance? As it stands, it seems like characters and events are bending over backwards to fit the parameters of a typical ‘Anon ends up in Equestria’ storyline. It doesn’t feel natural and reads more like a screenplay rather than a recounting of actual events.

The next couple of paragraphs can be cut down for length. As a rule, it’s good practice to only tell the reader what is absolutely necessary, nothing more. Give the reader a good framework and let them fill in the minor details themselves. Do we really need to know the exact mechanics of how Anon came to be in Equestria? How likely is the reader going to commit a specific, detailed description of Anon’s appearance to memory, when most of /mlp/ is probably going to imagine him as a green-masked suit wearing male of indeterminate age? You do this quite a lot throughout the story, lots of in-depth descriptions that clog down the pace and make the writing a bit of a slog to read through. Ask yourself this: if a piece of information is not and will not become plot relevant, why even bring it up?

1/4

>>30853698
I read a fair bit before your edits and I can safely say that there is some improvement in that regard. It does seem easier to read through this time around. That said, the formatting still needs an extensive overhauling to make the transition to proper prose. There are far too many instances where I was unclear as to who was speaking, switching between two second-person perspectives and Twilight’s ‘book’ is jarring to say the least, and you tense switch a few times. Speaking of tenses, I also find the usage of both second-person pov and past tense clunky; I think the writing would be more clear if you either switched entirely to third-person or used only the present tense. You also more or less abandon this odd research paper-like format half way through the story.

Your writing itself is mechanically sound for the most part, aside from the occasional misplaced word or incorrect comma usage. There’s nothing inherently wrong, but you’re writer’s voice is a little dry for my tastes. Another poster applauded your use of more simple diction, which I disagree with. I want to be challenged as a reader with unfamiliar words and new ideas presented in radical ways, and I’m not really getting any of that here.

It’s clear that Luna has some vague connection with Anon that will eventually be important, and I like how you try to continually build up intrigue with her. The manner with which you go about doing this however comes across as very heavy-handed to me. It could be a good deal more subtle, like a nagging feeling of unease that gnaws at the back of Luna’s mind. This fragmented memory thing you have going on just feels out of place.

2/4

>>30853708
Characterization is a bit stiff in the beginning, but does improve as I read on. Little details like Twilight finding joy in not being hounded after for an autograph or Luna’s opinion on pancakes really helps make them feel distinct and real. More of this please. That said, I still have a few complaints. For instance, dialogue could be a lot stronger. Going off of what the Princesses are saying alone, their isn’t nearly enough variation in their speech to differentiate one another. I can very easily tell the words coming out of these characters’ mouths were orchestrated by a single person, i.e. you. Twilight’s vocabulary could be a bit more brainy, Luna’s speech tad more archaic, etc. I’m not saying go full caricature of course, just enough to make each voice feel different.

In my opinion, your Anon is far too dull and listless to warrant all the attention he garners. A character’s first appearance (or awakening in his case) helps to define them and ground how they act for scenes to come, very much like a first impression. What does your Anon do when he first wakes up? Just kinda look around the room. What does he do when he sees his first pony? Just kinda sit by the window and stare. There’s no personality on display here, no emotion to bring your character to life and establish him as a believable, relatable individual thrust into bizarre circumstances. He very much reminds me of a princess locked away in a tower, a static plot device for the story to revolve around in other words.

It’s a little strange for ponies to have such a negative view on cooking in line 391 when ponies clearly cook in the show. You even have the Princesses eating pancakes prior.

3/4

>>30853718
I’m not a fan of the amulets. I know they’re a necessary plot device to move the story forward, but I think Twilight having to learn how to communicate with Anon through non-magical means could have been a good chance for some solid character development. This could’ve been an entire story in its own right, so I understand why you’d want to skip over it, but it still strikes me as a bit of a missed opportunity.

Overall, there isn’t much here that I haven’t seen before. Twilight taking an academic interest in Anon, Luna connecting with Anon through his dreams, Anon gaining some kind of intrinsic power related to magic; it’s all fairly by the numbers. That’s not say there’s nothing here I like mind you; there are a few scenes with the Princesses I do enjoy. But Anon himself might as well be replaced with a magic book or ring for all the impact he has on the plot. If you want to improve this piece, a reformatting should be on top of your list. Eliminate the line breaks, make it more clear who is speaking, and clean up some unneeded words.

4/4

>>30853730
Now that I think of it, I agree with you about the prologue. It's a leftover from when the story was supposed to be something completely different and I should've trashed it to begin with. On top of that, I remember getting carried away while writing it, only thinking about "what would Twilight write about a human" instead of trying to write something that's interesting to read. That goes for the whole "book" portion. It shouldn't be there at all.
I also suppose I'll have to bite the bullet and abandon the idea of doing both greentext and prose at the same time and switch to 3rd person. I'll have to redo some of the dialogue, too, since originally the PoV character's lines did not have
>meme arrows
while everyone else's had.
I have a feeling that the scenes you liked the most are the ones I planned the least. Sometimes the characters just come to life in my head while I'm writing and act out a scene on their own. I try to make it happen as often as I can, but I can't force it.
Finally, I like my line breaks. Why would you have me remove them?

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>>30854528
When I say line breaks, I'm referring to empty lines btw. Ones separating different scenes are fine obviously, as are those before and after Luna's flashbacks, but you often have line breaks smack dab in the middle of conversations. Please understand that I'm the kind of guy that thinks reading flow is a vastly underappreciated aspect of writing; if the first couple of sentences in a fic don't flow well, I won't hesitate to drop it. Your unnecessary line breaks only serve as mental stumbling blocks that interrupt my mind with niggling questions like 'Is this supposed to be a new scene?' It's a tiny thing, I know, but indents serve the same purpose while still maintaining flow.

Goodnight

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>Shitposting when I should be writing
ayyyy

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i need the eta for SLEEP

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>page 9
But no!

>page 10
Not yet.

Bump. Just like old times

Because this thread seems a "little" dead, I'll dump my shit in here again.
https://pastebin.com/uEPS2rrh
Here's the new beginning I wrote and how it links to the old shit. I'm not sure if the timeskip and swap to Twilight is a bit too abrupt, I could add a bit more in there. Tell me what you think.

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Parking. That's a thing people still do,
right? I'm not that old, am I?

Should probably work on herd. High probability I'll end up writing horse smut instead. Anyone else lurking?

>>30851462
ayyy Haven't seen Norman in a while.

>>30840043
Not green but there was a prose story from two years ago that I posted in writefags guild which received just criticism. I never finished it beyond chapter 1 due to life and shit but I still keep it in pastebin as a constant reminder of how much potential I decided to let go.

On the sidenote, you can't be an avid poster of /mlp/ without ever making half a green you never finished.

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>that feeling when you abuse the comma so much that proof reading makes you read it like the narrator keeps running out of breath

MAKE IT STOP

>>30840043
I stop writing when I stop getting (you)s
No point in finishing it if nobody wants to read it

>>30864227
I know that feel though usually I just assume there are the ghost readers who reads, chuckles, likes it but never leaves a comment. The disappointment lingers longer if you have a story more than three posts worth.

>>30864237
Yeah, there are always lurkers, especially when you post the bin and finds the dozens of hits, but no (you)s
But if your story isn't worth the ten-thirty seconds it takes to respond... yeah

>>30864222
I'd rather see too many commas than too few. When too few commas are used, the structure of sentences gets lost. There are so many little inflections and rhythms to our speech, that we don't realize it gets lost in text. Even if commas are misused, and another punctuation mark would be better suited, a comma at least denotes some sense of structure.

>>30864065
You're incredibly old.
what's the ETA for the next herd chapter

>>30864325
Sh-shut up!

I dunno, next chapter will probably be up this month sometime. That's the goal, to get back to posting once a month.

>>30864254
Well that or people are way too lazy to do the captcha. I usually try to comment on every story I enjoyed without using "lel" or two-worded responses unless it's a regular old sex fic.

>>30851246
Well you can just do an ellipsis by copy pasting from the internet.

All the recent novels I've been reading from before 1999 have a ton of ellipsis.

Be honest Writefags' Guild, how much do you practice proper grammar when writing one-off greentexts?

>>30864529
I try to stay grammatically correct as possible. Even for a one-off I throw it through grammarly and word before I drop green.

>>30864222
Speaking of commas, which of these feels better to read?

He paused to take a breath of air, flicking his head sideways and reluctantly surmising over how the atmosphere, despite the hostility of everyone else, felt different. /i/Something different/i/ his mind kept repeating.

He paused to take a breath of air, flicking his head sideways and reluctantly surmising over how the atmosphere despite the hostility of everyone else felt different. /i/Something different/i/ his mind kept repeating.

>>30864600
First one. Without the commas, it's ambiguous as to whether you mean the atmosphere, or the hostility, felt different

>>30864600
I agree with >>30864671

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There's just something calming about writing prose stories on a peaceful Sunday while waiting for your gbs worth of downloads to finish.

>>30864529
Always. There's no excuse for being lazy

>>30864222

Reminds me of my old work, where I thought longer sentences were the shit, so I had like three commas in the first half of the sentence, a semi-colon, and then three more commas!

>>30864315

At some point, the equilibrium SLAMS back in the other direction and too many is worse than none at all.

>>30866931
>At some point, the equilibrium SLAMS back in the other direction and too many is worse than none at all.
True, but you,,,hardly, see, commas, used, to this, extent,,,

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I'm trying my hand at slice of life and wouldn't mind some opinions. I'd also love any tips on improving characterization and how to construct a believable, slow-burn kind of romance.
https://pastebin.com/02W1W5G7

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can I pls a prompt that would allow me to practice being more descriptive?

>>30868947
Why do you need a prompt? Can't you pick a scene from the show, for example, and describe it?
Say, the Feelings Forum from the latest episode.

>>30868947

It is many years down the line, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash go to visit Twilight in Canterlot. In typical Twilight fashion, she uses to long list of sights to see and activites to do in order to make sure her friends see the best Canterlot has to offer.

>>30868947
After living in Equestria for well over two decades, the same mysterious forces that brought you there now have taken you back home. You've not aged despite an equal amount of time passing there, yet you also have your memories of that world fully intact. Friends, family, and even the press is interested in hearing what lay beyond this dimensional rift.

What do you tell them? What did you see, do, and feel?

>>30868594
>https://pastebin.com/02W1W5G7

Line 4, needs a comma before 'I presume'.

Line 6, periods instead of commas since Rarity's verbs are about what she does when she's not talking.

Line 8, the might be a better word than 'my', since 'my murder trial' brings to mind 'the trial related to my murder'.

Line 9, in keeping with the verb/dialogue rules, 'you're' should be lower cased

Line 10, same thing.

Line 17, oh I'd give that smile a trade secret or two.

Pretty cute all together. I'm sorry that I'm not much help right now, but I'm tired. I hope someone else gives you more in depth critique. I feel like you managed to capture the characters well enough. Honestly, though I feel like calling the self-insert 'anonymous' or 'nonny' is annoying, but (name) isn't much better.

Goodnight

>>30864039

Here's a general writing question: is there anything wrong with third person perspective in the present tense?

>>30873908
Not that I can see

>>30873908
No, it's just uncommon. Present-tense isn't often used outside of this sphere in narrative writing, and thus there just aren't many examples to go off of.

>>30875944
>>30873908


Well, I recently heard third person past is undergoing a decline, and it made me curious about third person present because I rarely saw it.

Thanks for answering.

>>30875987
That's interesting

>>30875987
go for it

Nite nite bump

good morning bump

After a good day, I've finally decided on what I want to have happen in the mid and end game of my green. And I'm excited about it. The only problem is that it hits on the herd and love triangle cliche's. I have a less autistic plan for it than normal, but anytime these are used I feel like it's still done poorly.

The question is: How do I avoid the biggest pitfalls of it becoming a "blatant self-insert"?

I plan on building up to this, so it'll have at least decent pacing. Still doesn't change the fact that those cliche's are so connected to self-inserts that it isn't funny.

>>30880464
You're asking for a way to avoid self-insert cliches in a genre with inherent self-insert elements. Might as well embrace them.

>>30880492
That is a fair point. Okay, the how can I avoid it being a cringe one?

That's probably more what I want to avoid.

>>30880537
*then

Don't mind me being a filthy phone poster.

>>30880464

>Want to avoid cliche self-inserts
>thinking the problem is cliches rather than the self-insert

Goodnight

boop

>>30884241
giggling

>Sign
I hate fanfiction and /a/.

>>30886682

Why /a/?