Writefags' Guild

Well, the rest of the OP will come later. My computer's having some connection issues. At least I got the pentagon.

>it's still not working

Well, anyway, I'm going to have that critique up tomorrow night.

>>30061115
That for me? I don't know if you saw in the last thread but I have to leave for Basic Training on Monday, so even if critique is not done I really would like whatever is done to be posted ASAP. Was gonna make the thread tomorrow if you didn't lol

>>30061228
Yeah, it's for you, and I did see your comment. It'll be ready tomorrow; I'm actually trying to finish it before I head off to bed tonight. Hey, would you mind putting up the other pieces of the OP? I don't know why, but my computer's having an issue with those posts. Smaller ones are fine.

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If I want to write about rape, is it better to have sex with an actual horse first? I feel like it would add to the A E S T H E T I C of one's tale. Personally, I like to really get in the head of my characters. One time, I spit on a dyke in Portland to facilitate the progression of my Rainbow Dash story.
Is experience with raping a horse necessary, per se?
What do you guys think?

>>30061258
Mobilefagging right now, sorry. About to go to bed. I keep hearing about the problems but haven't gotten them. Do you have legacy Captcha? If not try enabling it.

Also, thanks again for all that you do. I'm going to be planning my first real novel during Basic and will write it when I get back, and your input so far has been exceedingly valuable to my overall flow and pacing (in writing and in story). I know not what you have to say for tomorrow, but I at least feel that my current fic is much smoother than this first foray into extended narrative writing. Also, if and when I do get that novel finished, would you be interested in a comission to edit it?

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>>30061296
I enabled Legacy and dropped green. It made no difference on either my laptop or phone. Have to say, it's pretty much fucked for the time being.

>>30061308
Strange. I've yet to see the issue between two computers and this phone.

>>30061265
Depends on how anatomically correct you want your ponies to be. Personally, I don't think you'd need to go that far, but hell.

>>30061296
Eh, no worries. You're welcome, of course; I'm glad to hear that my advice has been helpful to you. And yes, I would be comfortable talking about editing your novel, once it's finished.

So, replying to a greentext post you made, with more greentext, in order to link posts together, is now causing the 4chan server to echo "communication error"?

Or so I read in another thread.
Would make it a lengthy process to link greentext more than 2k ascii-chars?
(This post also serves as a bump from #9)

>>30061265
>Do I need to know what I'm writing about?
Considering the subject I would say no.
Sometimes a good chunk of fiction is more entertaining than facts.

Fighting and warfare comes to mind. Every film depicting fights or war makes me cringe, because the idiots who wrote it are so clueless.
Yet the audience doesn't complain and may even like it, so I guess it's better to make it entertaining than realistic. Use artistic freedom and similar excuses.

>10
Time for a cleverless bump.

>>30062806
Page 10 comes...
and goes.

>>30063648
Again

>>30065143
>9

>>30060285

Tips and links:

Writefags' Guild Discord Chat: https://discord.gg/XNM2tVS

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

>>30066313
Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/


I figured I'd copy over this since there have been three or four people asking about it the last few threads. Though for the most part if people bother to come here they get the basic greentext correct.

>How does one into greentext?
Greentext is always second person, and almost always present tense. Every line except for the viewpoint character speaking is green. You don't have to restrict yourself to one sentence per line.

>Why does one into greentext?
To my knowledge, greentext stories were born from quest/CYOA threads. Since the audience was essentially roleplaying as the one making these choices, they were almost always written is second person (just like CYOA books).

Quotation arrows are one of the only forms of markup available on 4chan, so they were used liberally, which eventually settled into this pattern for stories.

If you want to write more typical prose, I've never seen anybody REEE'd at for it yet.


Since I'm at the top anyways, I'll repeat a warning that I've seen a lot of people saying Vhatug's tips for squash are inaccurate. Do some independent research if you give a shit.

>>30061316
I believe that one of the larger problems is that this story has too little faith in its readers to figure things out for themselves. A lot of sections are over-explained, and there are some ideas that are repeated to the point where they got annoying.

My first example is line 2373, where you again explain why the worker ponies aren’t interested in speaking with Starlight except about business. You explore the relationships between management and employee throughout this story, mostly using Starlight as your subject, and it’s pretty clear from the start that there’s tension between her and the others. You have ponies acting differently around her really early on, and you even have Tangerine state outright that her being elevated is going to change things, and that’s all fine, but you don’t need to continue explaining that point after Starlight has reached the management level. Nothing changes about the relationship paradigm itself, so there’s nothing new to explore in a thematic sense, which means all you need to do in order to keep that theme alive is to let events speak for themselves. So instead of giving me a passage about how ponies have changed toward Starlight, show more instances of her trying to be friendly and helpful to uncomfortable underlings. If you keep finding places in your story to stop the action and explain the themes that you want the reader to notice, it makes it seem like you have no faith in the readers’ ability to think for themselves. That lack of faith is demonstrated quite clearly up at the very top, in your author’s note, as well; it’s a little insulting. 1/?

>>30066469
Similarly, I think you needn’t spell out Starlight’s thoughts on lines 2491-2493. Giving her the epiphany is good, and having her question herself because of it is also good, but that trio of lines is too direct, at least arranged how they are. Since you have Starlight wonder about how she’s changed as a result of her time on the farm, there’s no need to lay it out so clearly where you do. Those lines add nothing that won’t come a little later, and, moreover, shorten her reflection time. Once she more officially reaches the conclusion that she’s been changed (rather than being in the process of changing), I wasn’t there with her, suddenly noticing it; I was glad that she finally caught up, and it’s not always good to be ahead of the narrator in a story like this. Instead, that area, or a little after it, would be a good spot for you to go into depth about the feelings that precipitate those conclusions. Explain more about how specifically Starlight feels about the stallion’s punishment, more than simply that she’s not as bothered by it. Explain what she thinks that means for her, whether it’s good or bad, or whether it reflects well or poorly on her. Maybe she’s afraid ponies in the crowd noticed her lack of reaction. I’ve got a perfect way you can add all that stuff in, too. She notices the note on her door, and, feeling threatened, spends the night at Lyra’s place. You can have those two talk it out all night long if you want. 2/?

>>30066476
The most frustrating for me was line 2796. This is the part of the story that would most benefit from you spending more time describing Starlight’s thoughts and reactions to the incident in detail, rather than writing reminders of the same basic moral dilemma. Essentially, the conflict right at the end boils down to a “kill or be killed” situation, and there’s not a whole lot of mileage to be gotten out of that on its own. In the hospital, Looking Glass is able to put the quandary in fairly clear terms quite easily, and, while Starlight isn’t completely convinced, it does make her feel substantially better, which speaks to the issue’s relative simplicity. If you want more moral complexity to the story, I’d advise you, again, go into greater detail about how Starlight feels. You might argue, as you read this, that such a dilemma is simple for the outside observer, but much worse for someone who’s gone through it, and I agree. So write it.

For example, she might be dealing with a lot of anger: anger at herself for pulling the trigger, at Anon for facilitating her rise to power, at the other ponies for not being reasonable, and so on. She might further feel a different kind of anger at herself for even being confused about this moral problem, one that, on paper, would have seemed so black-and-white to her. Maybe she feels sad that she lives in a world where this can happen, and that someone like her can be forgiven. Maybe she’s afraid that she’ll revert to her old ways, or already has and doesn’t recognize it, and that fear consumes her for a while. And so on, and so on, and so on. The point is that there are a lot of directions you can take her feelings that will add a lot to the story and to her character arc, and it would be the exploration of them, probably through dialogue, that would be so much more interesting than finding new ways to restate and dress up the original problem. 3/?

>>30066480
As it is with your moral dilemmas, so it is with many of your characters. Anon and Starlight are both pretty good, but your supporting cast is largely lacking. Applejack doesn’t contribute much except her name, explanations when Anon isn’t around, and someone for him to call family; any pony could do those things. Her honesty comes up from time to time, but it’s never a huge point, and it never seems to do anything that a different pony who’s good at reading body language couldn’t. Big Mac is an interesting piece of the background, and I think you could have done a lot more with him if you had tried, and Lyra got left behind. In the beginning, she was a good friend character, and you did a good job of making me not fully trust her, but then nothing really happened with her. It seems to me that everyone else in management is mostly there to react to Anon and Starlight, which I now think is one reason it was so easy to make her into such an outlandish Mary Sue the first time around.

Giving the other managers some stronger personalities will also allow you to have conflict in the story that is not solely between Starlight and the employees. That isn’t to say that what you have presently is bad, but only that there’s potential for much more. Right now, there’s a nice, clear line between management and worker, and blurring that is a good way to add complexity to the story. Again, I’m just talking about potential; your current conflict is fine, at least thematically. I think you built up to it well, and I liked how quickly everything went from bad to worse, and how out-of-control you had Starlight feel toward the end. 4/?

>>30066488
However, stylistically, it can use some work. I found your description of the riot and the fire to be lacking. When you had the mob of ponies outside the farmhouse, you wrote a lot of their movements and positioning, but not much else, so, while I may have known at any time which character was where, and who was advancing on the house, I wasn’t getting any imagery along with it. I think the reason for this is that your sentences at this part tend to be short and direct, and they contain only single ideas. Each sentence introduces a new movement, or a new action, and contains no imagery, so the scene you’re creating does not come across as a cohesive whole, but a bunch of discrete pieces. What you need is more description on the sensations involved in all this conflict, and to always keep some of them at the front of your description as you let the scene play out. Think of it this way: action, in real life, is exciting and full of sensation, so your writing should be as well. How much imagery you want to add in is up to you, but you’ll want to keep it relatively balanced with the rest of your action. Doing so will also help you lengthen that section of the story, which I think it needs.

The rest of the story was fine, in terms of description. There wasn’t much, but what you did give was good, and everything else happening was interesting enough that I never found myself bored. In the future, I would advise you not take so long to set up the conflict, but I know you were working with only the back half of the story, so I don’t hold it against you. 5/?

>>30066496
Now, I want to talk about Starlight. I said she was pretty good, but there are still some flaws. Having her decide that she wants all of her magic unrestricted came out of nowhere, as well as the emotion she shows in line 1777. Something like that is best set up a while in advance. I know you weren’t working with the beginning again, but you could have Starlight realize her choking feelings later in. Say she was used to it from all her time in the library, and only after getting a little freedom did things start to turn uncomfortable for her. There’s no reason to wait until the point where she brings it up to Anon.

More important, though, is the inconsistency in her approach to greater power. You say that she’s concerned about other folks hating her for what she’s becoming, but she had no trouble in flaunting her power. You have her say that she doesn’t want to be in charge (1923), but then she goes right ahead and manages her ponies without issue. Throughout the last half of the story, Starlight comes off as wildly hypocritical, and not in a good way. The thing is, you have to go out of your way to show that you are aware of a character’s flaws, so that one knows that those flaws are intentional, and not a mistake on the author’s part. You might intend for her to be a hypocrite, but all the intention in the world doesn’t amount to much if you don’t have some indication of it. An easy way to show that you know what you’re doing to her is to have her suffer in some way for her hypocrisy. You can have a character tell her off, or have her get herself into some kind of trouble, or whatever, but you have to do something. What you have for her now is not a result of her hypocrisy, but of her rampant need to prove herself; for that reason, that character flaw comes through a lot better. 6/?

>>30066504
Having Starlight examine this personality conflict as you do is not quite enough, either. If you had her addressing herself with the knowledge that she’s being so hypocritical, you could pull it off, but you only have her considering the different sides to it, which shows nothing of her, or your, cognizance of the larger problem. So a lot of her internal conflict comes across as false, as something added at the last minute to balance out earlier flaws, which makes sense. Similar to how you could better introduce the sensation of her having her magic dulled, you can better incorporate her hypocrisy by adding in some more conversations between her and the other managers.

Another issue is that Starlight’s past seemed to hardly get in her way. You bring it up a lot, and she’s frequently afraid of revisiting it, but it never really comes up as more than that. Even after she realizes that she’s changed on the farm, she’s more concerned with that, forgetting to relate it to her former self. While it does become a nice parallel for the reader to notice, the amount of attention you gave it earlier doesn’t really fit, especially since it never prevents her from doing her job. Even at the end of the story, she only hurts someone once her own life is threatened, so the moral conflict doesn’t hold up. She’s not doing something questionable because she’s resorting to her old ways, but because she’s in an extreme situation. For these reasons, I don’t believe you need to have any allusions to her past at all. 7/?

>>30066513
In a more general sense, I spotted a few minor inconsistencies in this story, and one large one. On line 1510, you describe the farm food as tasteless, but, earlier, you made it sound pretty good. Like, they have baskets of fries and everything. On line 1895, you put Starlight in charge of a construction job with no supervision, despite the fact that she is nowhere shown to have any knowledge of how to build the rail system. She might have magic, but she has to have the technical knowhow as well. This is similar to my complaint in the first critique of her getting a senior position with no seniority. On line 2459, it seems kind of silly to have it be a public punishment if the attendance isn’t mandatory. It’s not a particularly strong example Anon’s making, if ponies can feel free to walk away from it whenever. Finally, you have Anon say some racist things when he’s in the car with Applejack and the others, but nothing ever comes of that. Why include it?

The big issue I take is with your use of the premise of slavery. Your explanation on lines 2290-2340 were quite good, and maybe the best part of the story, as far as I was concerned, but the slavery thing still doesn’t make a lot of sense. It seems to me that if the government were so concerned about these ponies, it could avoid a lot of social backlash (odd how that goes unmentioned) if it, instead of making the ponies indentured servants, just granted them the right to work, and then set up some shelters here and there, like halfway houses or something. It seems like a much less messy way to give these ponies a life than by technically making them slaves. 8/?

>>30066521
I can tell that you’re not too attached to the slavery idea either, because you stray as far from it as you possibly can. On lines 2269 and 2271, you’ve got ponies in movies and ponies with special places at the park, and that doesn’t sound like any kind of slavery that I’ve heard of. Slavery implies that they’re seen as subhuman, as commodities, as property; you don’t give your property such nice treatment. Sure, anomalies like Anon will, but the entire country? You wrote in one brief part where Starlight sees someone who obviously mistreats his pony, and that’s the last of the bad side of slavery that we see. It really makes me wonder why you bothered using the premise at all, and didn’t just go for a straight “Starlight on Earth” story instead. You could have gotten all the manager-employee tension out of that more basic framework just as easily, if not easier.

A point on your epilogue, and then the parting words. I liked your epilogue, but I think you made it too sweet. Giving some of the ponies lasting, or semi-lasting damage from the incident was a good idea, but I would have liked to see it played up more in favor of information on how great Anon’s life turns out. I think you treated your main characters too nicely for what they had to do earlier, and the whole ending comes off as sort of inauthentic. It’s hard to imagine Starlight and her buddies being very emotional by those gravestones when any one of them can march into town and buy a dozen sports cars the same day. At the same time, though, be sure not to make their suffering too dramatic. More pain because of the incident would probably be bad; what you want is a greater focus on what you already have. More time going over how Starlight feels, how she deals with the bad days, how she relates to the others, and so forth. 9/10

>>30066533
Ordinarily, this is the part where I go through and give a sample of all the single-line errors I noted, but, here, I don’t feel the need to do that. Your writing is generally quite good mechanically, but you need to watch out for repeating words so close together, and especially in the same sentence. Redundancy like that can be unpleasant to read.

This was another difficult critique for me to write, because I had to keep reminding myself that you were trying to take advice and apply it only to the second half of the story. You did a good job making the transition from old material to new seem seamless, and you built up to the climax well, although the climax itself needs a lot of work with its description. Many of your characters were lacking, and Starlight herself had a lot of inconsistency that went unexplored, which made the majority of her personal conflicts seem flat. I did like how you drew her suffering out of her need to do a good job, and I think that you could do the same with her other flaws if you spent more time developing them. A good way to do that is through character dialogue, of which I noticed you had little. Conversations tended to be truncated, and no one really challenged Starlight very much; there’s only so much development that can come from one character’s introspection. That’s why strengthening the supporting cast is so important, so Starlight can bounce of her friends and so enable you to write different ideas that ordinarily would have no reason to come up in her thoughts alone. It’s much better to explore themes in this way, rather than trying to find creative ways to word summaries of them. 10/10

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>>30066469
>Author's note
WHOOPS, LOL
That was supposed to be removed after finish and it was, but for every update I ctrl+a, ctrl+c from Word and forgot to remove it after making a minor edit.

I've noticed this concern myself in my writing, and suspect it to be a product of my history with descriptive, technical, and academic writing. I feel it happening in my current story, too (although somewhat more controlled). Any sort of exercises I should try to improve on this front?

>>30066480
The intent with the ending was, frankly, to frame Starlight as a bad person. I tried to create a protagonist with moral ambiguity but her solution of just ignoring her sins is meant to be wrong. Did I fail at this?

>>30066488
Probably a result of character clutter. Frankly, I thought most of their personalities were a disaster and have been careful to keep track of relevant characters in my current story. The only one aside from Anon (including Starlight) I felt comfortable with was Sweetie Belle.

>>30066496
That... will help considerably with my next story, thank you. I'll be sure to keep this all in a dedicated document..

>>30066504
The inconsistencies were indeed intentional and meant to add an element of hypocrisy to her character. I'll keep that in mind, though.

>>30066513
With a character with an emphasized troubled background, what do you recommend? Reducing references to it, or trying harder to create conflict from it?

>>30066521
Farm food wasn't supposed to be good at the start and racism is relevant for other, future stories in-universe. There are a few instances of this: half the motivation for the flashback told to AJ was to set up my next major story.

As for the slavery, that is one of the most difficult problems to resolve for any SPG story: why would modern society institute a slavery system in the first place? Most choose war as an incubator, but I felt that need would be best. It's shaky, but finding a better explanation is not easy.

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>>30066533
The ending is supposed to portray the main cast as a bunch of massive, undeserving shitbags. They're rich, they're comfortable, they never have to work a day in their lives, they have contact with Rainbow Dash, and they're dancing over the graves of ponies they've hurt. Anon, Starlight & Co. are not the good guys.

>>30066541
Thank you very much. My current story is structured differently in many ways, but my next will benefit greatly from these tips. You're a legend, m8. Have a Twiggle.

>>30066940

>author's note
I don't really know of any exercises to improve your trust in the audience. I have issues with it too, and I just try to keep reminding myself to not go overboard on explanation. If you find yourself saying the same thing multiple times, you might need to tone it down a little.

>moral ambiguity
If you want to show that ignoring her past sins is wrong, then her suffering needs to come from that, and not from something different. It's because she's trying to work faster that she winds up getting in trouble, not because she goes nuts with power, as she feared she might.

>troubled background
I would do more to create conflict from it. One method to do that would be to have Starlight's past on her mind more often, and have her worry about it more intensely. Once she begins gaining power, you can have her kind of freak out, and have some personal or interpersonal problems come from that lessening in confidence. That's my first thought, anyway.

>>30066956

>shitbags
That didn't come through at all. You expend so much making the epilogue sentimental and nice that the fact of their shittiness is eclipsed, and you also put in too much rhetoric to Starlight's guilt. If you want them to come across as real bad people, instead of them dealing with the guilt, try having them work on justifying it to themselves, or something. You can also have a passage from one of the other slaves' perspectives, but that's kind of easy.

>>30067335
Thanks. Welp, one more update to my main story then I'm off to become a man. I'll be keeping three journals with me at all times: one for note taking, one for personal use, and one for writing plans (for both aforementioned novel and next fic, which will be very long and extremely fun to write). What kinds of things should I focus on for those notes? Character outlines, planning stages, and generalized descriptions of events.

At page 10...
I will bump!

>10
Bumpeli-bumpeli

>10
From the bottom, to the summit. What a bump!

I don't even know what genre this is. I think it's technically EDM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVCo5i9bheg

I feel like writing road trip scenes would be really easy with this playing.

>>30071273
yeah

Small bump

Larger bump

Huge bump

Gargantuan bump

Brobdingnagian bump

>>30078628
>Brobdingnagian bump
Oh, I always spelt it brobdignagian.

fuck it

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/371899/cutie-mark-crusaders-necromancers

Help me not suck anymore

>>30079536
>Help me not suck anymore
That’s pretty vague. You had anything special in mind like prose, style, grammar, structure/presentation, storyline/plot or spelling?

>when you finally have all the time in the world to write
>no motivation

>>30079536
I'll give it a read tomorrow. Also, little guy might want to give it a read as well, but he'll be around when the weekend's over

Anyone else literally never read actual books?

>>30083636
>Anyone else literally never read actual books?
Not those of us who went to school.

>>30083636
READ BOOKS

>10
Once upon a bump...

>>30084536
episode days are gonna be kinda fast

Part #1: Alan Moore wrote V for Vendetta as a battle between extremists. He hated that the film didn't portray V as the ruthless maniac he had in mind. (ref: Wikipedia)

Long before the film, I remember reading the comic. I never pictured V as an extremist. Was it because Alan Moore, who I adore, was a bad writer? Was it because I was a stupid reader? Was it the fault of the cartoonists who failed to paint the whole picture? (... sorry)

Did I let my expectations of V cloud my judgment? Did I assume that all his actions must have a good reason? All main characters from a serious publisher were pretty cliché and they all had a good nature deep inside them, no matter how violent they could be towards the evil guys. Perhaps I just presumed it was also true for V?

Or was it that the big page where he removed his mask to show his face to the woman he poisoned in her sleep, made him look like a sad judge, forced to deal out sentences, he wasn't really comfortable with?

In any case I loved both the film and the comic. Sure they are different, but I still loved them both even if Alan Moore hates the film.

But I can't help wonder if I would have loved the comic if I had understood it the way the writer tried to portray it? It doesn't seem like a story that would appeal to me.

>>30086598
Part #2: My writing is mediocre at best. I can live with that. No big deal really.

What's frustrating is when I write something I don't like and it's appreciated, while at the same time I can spend many weeks polishing every corner of something "great" and it's considered bland and boring.

My few readers can praise my writing for being fun, when it was never meant to be fun. What I had to tell was boring to begin with so I didn't even put an effort into being serious.

They can praise my writing for being exciting, when it was never meant to be exciting. It was supposed to be a statement more than a story.

They can toss my most intelligent and exciting writing to the side and say they couldn't be bothered finishing it.

When Alan Moore was misunderstood he could console himself with a bag of money and thousands of fans praising his name. When I'm misunderstood I can console myself with a few beers and My Little Pony. I rather be Alan Moore.

So what have I learnt?

When you do write something intelligent that people like for one reason or another, just be happy that someone likes it. Never indulge yourself to analyze the story because you'll quickly realize they missed all of the hints you so generously supplied. They will assume your story is full of logical fallacies as your reader fail to apply Occam's razor.

As you passionately start to explain reasons, backgrounds, why and where - you will be met by a blank stare. You get too caught up to realize you basically explain that they suck at critical thinking and reading comprehension.

That's not a good way to treat your audience.

Just ignore everything they got wrong and let them praise your shy introvert character running with scissors. Never explain it was a silent devious maniac. If they love your story, they will still love it as they find "tons of errors" because let's face it - Hollywood taught us that in 90 minutes it's ok to have 90 blunders and plot-holes.

>>30086598
It depends on how old you were when you read it. I played Shadow of the Colossus when I was probably 12-13, and never really picked up on the ambiguity of what the protagonist was doing. But coming back to it, I can't help but see it

>>30088398
In my case I think I was a "stupid reader". Something that all successful writers (not me) have to deal with. (I bet it's a pain, but I wouldn't mind.)

My assumptions regarding comics and that the plot was always simple changed as I started buying various collections/albums but I'm not sure that my age would have changed my first impression regarding V.

The experience and expectations of the reader is probably the most important thing to consider when trying to write something enjoyable.
At least that's how I try and explain why yet another failed story falls on deaf ears.

My mind is blank and my bump is bland.
So I touch my flank with my bump in hand.

>>30079536
Reading

>>30079536
>It was a darker than usual evening, with the sky covered in darkness and the moon curved like a crescent.
This is awkward to read. This is a little issue, but
>It was a darker than usual evening...
is a tad stilted. It could read
>It was a darker evening than usual...
Like I said, that's a minor thing. The other part that makes this opening sentence awkward is the use of "dark" in this. There's nothing wrong with either use of dark in this sentence, but there is a problem with the use of both of them. Because your dependent clause uses the same descriptor as your independent one, it doesn't do anything to clarify or expand on the opening statement, and I didn't get the impression that you were using repetition for effect. It's like someone using "particular" in the definition of particular. It's not helpful. Replace one of the uses. e.g.
>It was a grimmer night than usual, with the sky covered in darkness...
or
>It was a darker night than usual, with the sky covered in black...
These are just examples, but you get the idea.

I know it's one sentence, but it's the opening sentence, and it matters. It sets up expectations for everything that is to follow.

>Usually it would be peaceful during this time of night, with no pony daring to come out of their homes, with the shadows of night covering the dangers of the outside world.
What you described was not "peaceful." If you want the reader to imagine things that are normally peaceful, give them the image of a peaceful night.

>There was three fillies...
There were three fillies...
Also, Apple Bloom is two words, not one. That's something I usually forget too.

>>30092292

>It contained numerous gravestones to which ponies were left to rest under that it gave Applebloom the shivers.
You have a subordinating conjunction -that- but no subordinate clause.
>It [the graveyard] gave Apple Bloom the shivers.
works just fine on its own.
>It [the graveyard] contained numerous gravestones to which ponies were left to rest under.
does too. Make that statement two sentences, or use a coordinating conjunction instead.

>“Ugh,,, guys, are ya sure we should be here?”, Applebloom...
Don't use commas as an ellipsis; use periods. The comma separating the speech from the speaker is unnecessary, because of the question mark. Also, "ugh," is typically used to convey disgust. I think you want "uh," which is used to convey hesitation.
>"Uh...guys, are ya sure we should be here?" Apple Bloom...

>Sweetie Belle scoffed at Applebloom’s skittishness, they were just dead corpses, there was certainly nothing to worry about.
All of these are independent clauses. Use a period, or a semicolon for related statements. Also, who are "they?" Is they referring to the fillies, or to the ponies underground? Pronouns usually refer to the closest noun referenced, and things get confusing when you don't. If you take out the descriptor, and left everything else, you'll see what I mean.
>Sweetie Belle scoffed at Apple Bloom's skittishness. They were just...
They can easily be read as referring to Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.
>It’s not like they would come out from the ground and try to eat their brains, yet.
Again, who are "they?" Whose brains are being eaten? Are the zombies eating their own brains, or eating the CMC's brains? This paragraph is filled with instances where, in a single sentence, you use they to refer to two different parties without any clarification.

>>30092297

>It seems odd to see how fearless Sweetie Belle was.
Was it, or was it not odd? Don't use "it seemed" or "it looked" unless you're intentionally being obscure. Just say
>It was odd to see how fearless Sweetie Belle was.

>It looked to be endless...
This is an okay usage, because we know that graveyards aren't literally infinite. The usage is just to convey how large the place is.

I'm going to stop here, because the problems I've highlighted are persistent throughout the entire story, and a lot of them can be fixed by doing one thing: reading your story aloud. Doing that will expose any awkward and clunky writing.

>>30092336
I see, that helps alot thanks.

>>30092336
Uhm

>>30094111
?

Afternoon bump

>>30094111
> ?
I believe that was a guest bumping thread from 10 and "posters" to 9.

I spent probably several minutes wondering if I could say something useful, before I gave up and decided to just bump it.

>>30097327
I bump is useful

>>30092957
No problem. And I know I might sound harsh in my post, but I really do care.

Way

Todays word: Dapper
"Oh my! What a dapper bump."

>>30102272
Again

>>30102937
And again

>>30103507
Four in a row

Cinco de bumpo

Hexabump

File: 1359691464306.png (49KB, 400x400px) Image search: [Google]

49KB, 400x400px

>tfw you read an old, incomplete, story, and it's not as bad as you remember
I mean, it's rough around the edges, but it's got a solid heart to it all.

The advantage with reading your own stories: It will be according to your taste.
The disadvantage with reading your own stories: The element of surprise is hard to catch.

New write/draw fag here. Is there a way to format text? I mostly mobile fag but I hop on the computer to attempt greens.

>>30107520
This post from "little guy" touches the subject regarding greentext >>30066330
Besides that, just read some of the pastebin stories and see how they've done it.

If you want feedback, I would strongly recommend you to proofread your writing one or two times in order to fix spelling and grammar before you post.
That way you can get feedback on how to stretch your limits instead of reduce sloppiness.

How I behave.
In other threads: Phat Horsekick
In this thread: Le petite bump

Veni Vidi Bumpsi

Good morning

>Music bumps!
Hello writefag my old friend,
I've come to share with you again
With this post that is quite creepy
Or perhaps it makes you sleepy?
And my post, that was buried, in a bump, makes me slump,
and all that follows, is silence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--DbgPXwLlM

>Page 10, with a 5 thread buffer...
Bump!

Quick save

>>30113373
>The lyrics continues...
At restful thread I sat alone
With nerves of steel and heart of stone
Illuminated by my glinting screen.
I turned my mousewheel as I looked for green
when my eyes were stabbed
by the flash of a neon light
that split the night
and bumped the thread in silence

I'd appreciate it if someone could have a look at this piece. Style has been a consistent stumbling block for me, as well, tense and cohesion. Naturally, criticism and compliments in other areas would be just as welcome.

https://pastebin.com/kgUGnxA2

>>30118255
I will not discuss grammar, syntax or even spelling. Because I suck at that. But I will give some notes of my first impression.

* Overly long paragraphs created walls of text. Also keep each speaker in a separate paragraph.

* If you wish to meet my taste, you should only capitalize proper nouns.
Because. My. Brain. Stutters. When. I, Read. This.

(I would fix that right away if I were you.)

To make your text more accessible I’d suggest you replace some pronouns with a unique reference or a name and stick to it in all narrative parts, only replacing it with something else in dialogue. At least if you intend to keep the prose a tad different from regular spoken English.

I liked how your prose mixed words in a poetic way. Beware that my taste is fairly odd when it comes to sentence building so I can't say how others will react. At the same time your text sometimes lacked a message or didn’t get to the point.

Another edit should probably focus on what each sentence is actually trying to tell the reader and how following sentences can build upon previous or reinforce what's been said.

The problems with the prose appear in your sixth paragraph. Here it becomes too confusing and starts to fall apart. What’s the purpose of their discussion? What information do they want to convey to each other? Am I supposed to understand what they’re talking about?

I guess it’s all about the divided personality of Nightmare Moon and Princess Luna but what it’s all about isn’t as easy to understand.

You start everything with mentioning Rome and Romans and I found it to be very out of place for the rest of the story. A better introduction could talk about the duality of the personality and/or outline the framework by introducing the involved, their emotions and where they are.

Final thoughts: To help structure the story you could think about what keynotes the text is supposed to deliver and make sure they get across before it all ends.

>>30117174
good

>>30060285
Writefags' Guild, I need some writing advice and I don't know where else to turn to. I'm a decent writer, but I fall short when it comes to describing sex scenes. I know I need help because whenever I wrote a sex scene in the past, I got a chilly (and awkwardly silent) reception that made me worry that I was the writefag equivalent of the unpopular smelly kid at school. A lot of things happen during sex, and it's dumb as shit to try and give a blow-by-blow report of each thrust and moan. This is because it ends up looking like I'm recording a transcription of a porno so that blind people can masturbate with the rest of us. That said, glossing over the entire ordeal by summarizing a sequence of events...

>"With every thrust, she [blah blah blah]"
>"She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close as she rolled her hips, gasping whenever his member [did something or other]"
>"After a few minutes of this, they [fucked off into space]"

...doesn't lend any depth or satisfaction to the reader. Like in regular writing, there's a compromise between too much detail and not enough detail, but I don't write enough sex to really know what that compromise is. Where to I talk about the musky smell in the air, or the way her sweaty hair clung to her skin? When do I say that he fucked her from behind in 20 words or less? How do I describe the way he cries after cumming too soon without making it sound like I'm writing from experience? Writefags' Guild, if you would be so kind, could you help me understand how to structure a sex scene?

I sincerely hope that I'm not just some jackass barging into the wrong place to ask for help. I don't need a repeat of my college days where I one day badgered a bunch of chemistry students at their little chem club to teach me how molar mass works.

>>30119572
I don't think I'm a clop god in any way shape or form. But my smuts have thousands of views (biggest is 8k in around a month and a half) so I guess I'm doing something /right/.
I'm not gonna lie tho, I don't really know what I'm doing, I have no qualifications and barely read a book in my life, all I ever read is the thousands of clopfics and greens on this site and fimfic for the last 6years. So you're free to ignore my post if you feel like it.

You've got to be in there. I guess? You've got to imagine yourself in there, to become one character and then the other.
To imagine what the other could do to make it better (or worse) and then do it the other way around, see what your characters would do and wouldn't do, and how they would do it. Are they embarrassed over the situation? Horny? Did one character tease the other one for a week beforehand? You don't have to be 100% precise on these too, you can leave hints and nudge the viewers towards what you want them to know, is that character moaning because of pain, of need, of pleasure?

The 'scent' part of it is either at the start of the smut and/or at the end. You're generally not giving much of a fuck about it past the foreplay. I mean, for the male. Some females /do/ actually like smelling and sniffing the male even in the middle of it.

If you want, say, a particular thing happening in the sex scene, whether it's a simple blowjob or something you want a character to say, don't plan it too much in advance. You should go about the scene step by step and see if it fits in, don't force it it. If it still doesn't fit and you're nearly at the climax, then think more about /what/ could lead to it, then add it somewhere inside.

I also firmly believe that if I'm not hard while writing it (or rather, imagining it) then what I'm doing is shit. If you're writing about chars and/or fetishes/situations that you personally don't enjoy, like rape or idk, foalcon, then I can't really help you.

>>30119863
And finally, for the 'pace' of the action, you try and hope for the best.
Reread the scene when it's over and see if it pleases you, if it doesn't then it's okay, don't try to change it instantly, if you can you should even sleep on it and reread it the next day, see if it still doesn't work it for you. Then add stuff if it's missing and/or change what you dislike about it.

Don't make it too short tho. If you're writing a smut scene and not just 'that sex scene in an action movie' then you've got to leave the viewers the time to get there.

Also I think /feelings/ are very, very important. Again if you're writing a rape scene I'm not going to say shit because I never did it, but if your characters love each others you've got to show it, they have to do and say things that proves that. Is it their first time? Then it generally ends up being awkward. Have they been married for x years? Then they know exactly how to get the other going, etc.

Holy fuck what a blogpost.
I'm sorry Anon.

>>30119863
>I have no qualifications and barely read a book in my life, all I ever read is the thousands of clopfics and greens on this site and fimfic for the last 6years.
Sometimes I worry that I'm actually talking to myself from the future. This is one of those moments.

>>30119863
>>30119865
Good stuff, good stuff. I especially appreciate the advice to put some emotion into it and to show how the fuck-ees feel about each other. Thank you Anon, this is some pretty good stuff.

>>30119875
Well, I don't do it for fame or whatever.
I mean, yes, it's always fucking great to get people telling that they love your shit. But I didn't /expect/ to get so many views so fast, it totally caught me by surprise. I'm a writefag for this shitty mongolian image hosting service, not a wannabe novelist or whatever. I'm not 100% confident in my narration and writing skills, yet. But I'm not retarded enough to not notice how fast I grew, I mean I went from /nothing/ to that.
So... I don't think it's this bad? or something.

>>30119884
Also, reread the fics you faved.
I can't stress it enough, but I learned SO MUCH by rereading all the darf fics and, whoever you like really, hand-made is good too, chuckfinley.
They don't/didn't become big names by just fucking around.

>>30119572
[1/2]
Fictional writing is all about trying to convey various emotions and fictional sex is no different.
When it comes to sex it's also very personal so getting good feedback from your usual crowd can be difficult, as it's hard for them to pinpoint what triggers arousal.
An analogy would be music: People can enthusiastically explain how they love something but very few can describe how the rhythm and sound actually invokes that feeling.

We often refer to sexual arousal as passion. It's a form of excitement and a strong emotion. It can be further categorized as either dominating/active or submissive/passive.
Do not read those words in the traditional sexual sense. Dominating here means taking initiative, courting, wooing, to lead and take charge of the situation. Submissive here means being courted, romanced and to yield your body to the other part.

With dance and sex it's often best if one leads. It's common to have the male taking a dominant or active role while the female is being lead. But it doesn't need to be obvious.
The male can feel uncertain at start while making slow and careful advances.
The female can feel ambivalence and want to move forth while at the same time put up some opposition to test the will and the strength of her suitor.
Just make sure the changes in emotions are believable and not pulled out like a buttplug.

The opposite of sexual arousal/passion is disgust. It can also lead to anger and hatred as you reject the source of those feelings. Hence your story needs to be packaged with things that turn people on and avoid everything that turns people off.
Labeling your smut with story-codes is the old and traditional way of guiding your reader to a suitable story but a summary sentence is just as fine.

>How do you get the reader to feel the emotions that turn them on?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I will skip how empathy works and just mention it's different for everyone.

(cont.)

>>30120290
[2/2]

If I get a scene, a setting, the emotions and goal of the involved parties - my imagination can take it from there. I hate close-up shots of genitalia or some added X-ray picture because it would only interest me as a practicing gynecologist.
But for most people it's not like that.
In order for their empathy to be sure the writer/artist need to remove all doubts. It doesn't mean you have to describe every thrust but a quick "close-up" can confirm everything is really happening and they don't need to use their lackluster imagination.

That close-up doesn't need to go on and on, describing sweaty thrusts mixed with "ooooh" and "AAAAAAH". It's usually plenty if it's just there and removes all doubts. Then you can go back to describe how emotions are evolving and the situation unfolds.


So the anatomy of a sex-scene would look like this:
1) Describe a setting and some basic emotions the reader accepts.
2) Increase the emotions and let your reader use empathy to copy and ride along.
3) Turn it up until at least the reader cums like a fountain.

And the less words you need to make it happen, the more skilled you are at writing pornography. A great novelist keeps your interest up for days as you plow the thick book with your bare eyes. A good erotic writer has his readers done with the story in a few minutes.

Of course, there is a lot more to say. How "kinks and fetishes" helps arousal by triggering emotions like anger, fear, vulnerability etc. Advanced topics would be how mixing different emotions can lead to confusion and sometimes that confusion can lead to arousal instead of rejection. (We don't know why something turns us on but it does.)

(cut short but still very long. I'm probably compensating.)

back 'n forth

Sex-Anon here. Thanks for all the advice, everyone. You've shed some light on a particularly tricky subject for me, and I really do appreciate all the help you've given. The next time my writing gives a stranger an erection, I'll think of you.

Is there any word to describe grammar-centric "dyslexia"?

For some reason I can't get the grammar right when I first type something or during my follow-up edit.
I'm so caught up with what I'm trying to say that I can't see *how* I say it.

I usually notice the first errors like 20 minutes later, but can't really proofread my own writing until a few days passed and I forgot what I was trying to say.

Then as I read it, I can only correct 2k words or so, before I become focused on the actual story and become "dyslectic" again.

(It can be pretty daunting and even painful, to read longer posts and see all the errors.)

Running it through a spell-check can help with the spelling but my old MS Word sucks at grammar.
I figured languagetool.org with a 8 GB database with word combinations would be great but it's not. Testing a few almost identical but erroneous/bad lines, often have it stamp everything as flawless.

>>30121726
I have that too, but English isn't my native tongue so...

Just crack the last version, I use that. It's not perfect but it does catch some retarded shit I write from time to time.

>>30121748
Nice to know I'm not alone with this annoying problem and thanks for the tip.
Maybe I'll give it a try if I can get it to run on my ancient computer.

(My comp was originally found in an Egyptian grave excavated in the early 18th century. A somewhat newer comp I own is currently broken.)

Umpa-Bumpa

Sexy bump [emotions sold separately]

it's an episode day

It's only page 9 but I can't stop myself!!

>>30129003
okay!

Save

>>30118602
All valid criticisms. Thank you for your time and effort.

That my fast and loose capitalization induced any sort of epilepsy is purely unintended. Sorry, I'll correct it in the future.

Amusingly, this tendency and my "poetic" sentence construction are both holdovers from "archaic literature bleed" during pre-adolescence. A troublesome habit, I've found.

After looking over it, with your advice in mind, it's clear how I shifted into vagaries.

At least partially, it was a poor attempt to avoid back-story; that was not actually deliberate on my part.

I feared the tedium of intermittent back-stories would make it even denser. Apparently, this negligence came at the cost of coherence and plot.

The pronoun vagueness was deliberate however, but apparently very poorly executed, if it lead to the theme being less understandable. Thank you for showing several means of correction.

The pronoun vagueness was meant to handle the no less than four distinct perspectives that occurred: narrator, Luna, the Nightmare, Luna-Nightmare.

Your excellent suggestions of unique identifiers and speaker separation solve several problems.

All your points hit the mark, those on structure and the "motive of the writer" are especially apt. I used plot-related forgone conclusions to drive the story, though in an admittedly slipshod manner.

A daunting proposition lies ahead, considering how large the attenuated first draft was. Hopefully, the removal of the extraneous ( i.e "Roman references") will allow me to introduce the necessary background to bind the plot.

Or should I streamline the piece using the inertia of the plot (the "known" ending) to reduce density and background by a larger degree?

Once more, my thanks.

another episode day!

>>30060285
>Feedback
Thank goodness. I've been looking for some.
Link to pastbin: https://pastebin.com/FyXvxfbi

>>30134902
AGHHHHH

>>30133171
>Or should I streamline the piece using the inertia of the plot (the "known" ending) to reduce density and background by a larger degree?

It's not entirely clear what you had in mind, but I will be so bold as to suggest you first decide what your story should give the reader, and then figure out how to deliver it.

Is it a feeling, delivered through a memorable scene?
Is it a piece of wisdom, derived from the dialogue?

If you can describe the goal in a clear keynote or a simple summary, you can then edit your story and guide the reader towards that end - but first you need a goal.

Currently your story fits into a narrow niche, meaning it's not generic fast food meant for everyone.
If you aim for a big audience, you need to focus on simplicity.
If you want it to be a delicacy for those with the same taste as you, all you need to do is edit once a month until you're happy with it.

Also remember that practice makes perfect, so writing entirely different types of texts will give you lots of experience.
The time spent editing your writing can often be the best teacher as you stop and ponder about different expressions and how they would fit in.

>>30138511

>>30140719
dito

Ah

>>30142043

>>30144256

>>30144909

Really fast board today.

>>30146519
vroom!

>>30147192
>Page 10, 4 threads buffer. Close!

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173KB, 1440x944px

Do not let ponies read your fanfics.
(Because of reasons!)

>>30148596
Ponies are erotic by nature

>>30135676
>Looking for feedback.
I glanced at your story a few times.
Was there any special feedback that interested you?

If I knew what kind of story you had in mind when you put it together,
it could be of help in order to provide feedback towards that goal.

Stephen King's #1 advice is: Get to the point.
It has been very helpful for me, and you could probably make use of it too.

The first 4 lines for example could be summarized,
> You are Anon, the only human in Equestria.

Unless you have something special to say about the weather, something that triggers fascination, curiosity, laughter or any other emotion, the reader is probably not interested.

That Celestia doesn't know of any other human, is also information that currently doesn't serve a purpose.
Perhaps add that information when/if it's needed?

Try to be more efficient when painting a scenery and try to find a reason for the reader to care.

An introduction like:
>Anon swore over his shoes. A sole was loose and good luck finding a shoemaker in Ponyville.
>As luck had it the weather was perfect.

Without a broken shoe in the first line, the weather in the second line would serve no purpose.
Now it can be used to explain why a broken shoe doesn't bother him as much.

>>30149927
>Was there any special feedback that interested you?
I just wish to know if it's good or not.

>If I knew what kind of story you had in mind.
Mostly slice of life.
Thanks for the criticism. I'll be sure to use it to better my own writing in the future.

>>30121726
What you're describing is an affliction commonly referred to in learned circles as "being an ESLfag".

>>30151321
>ESLfag
Please explain.

>>30151872
ESL=English as Second Language
Anon is saying that every non-native speaker has shitty English.

And to some extent it's true, since it's very difficult to master a language without immersing yourself in it.

>>30152990

>>30153995

Goodnight

>>30155975
Sleep well

Words, can be used for many things. A bump comes to mind.

>>30157543
A bump is a wise choice of word. Bump

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Not quite what this thread is for, but hey.
Can someone point me to some fics/pastes focusing on spits and the wonderbolts? Looking for some inner workings/daily life examples.
Preferably finished works
Thinking of writing something and want some references
Maybe some fics that delve into what makes life in the cloud cities different/unique?

>>30159944

>>30159031
>Looking for some inner workings/daily life examples.
Various wikis compiles info picked up from the series. If you care to search, since I can't recommend anyone in particular.

If you want to check style and how people write, most General threads with a green-theme provides some recommended samples.

You can also try and search fimfiction, using various keywords, for more cloudsdale specific stories.

Hump - soon in a thread near you.

>>30161692
>various wikis
please be a bit more specific
the only one i know is https://mlp.wikia.com
and that's pretty strictly canon

Morning bump

>>30163934
afternoon to you!

>>30165020
And to you

Story: Saddle Lecture
Summary: Anon fucks Twilight.
Category: 2nd person Clop/Pr0n
Contains: M/F, 1st time (Implies: exh, inc, MMMF, romance)
Reading time: 25 minutes = 4k words (including epilogue @800 )

Synopsis: Twilight wants to teach anon what it means to wear a cultural saddle,
but he already knows so they quickly move on to more advanced lessons.

Feedback: My main focus is grammar and any paragraphs or choice of words that turns you off.

[cum sold separately and batteries not included.]

The story is finished, but I doubt anyone here wants to edit the whole thing so I just go with the first 5 cuts of 14.
Eventually I may post all of it in a new thread.

(Or it may be archived somewhere on my disk, until it crashes and takes all my writings to story-heaven.)

>>30167998
Saddle lecture -- [1/14]
You are lying on your bed, in your room, in a tree-castle.
You are anonymous the human, in the land of Equestria, and life is pretty soft.
You eat, sleep and read, when not chatting with Twilight, Spike and various visitors.

You recognize that knock on your door. It's Twilight.
>"Greetings Anon!" she happily exclaim as she trots into your room.
"Hello princess."
>She's obviously in a good mood.
>"I wanted to teach you a little about old Equestrian customs and show you this cultural saddle."
>She puts out her hind-legs to the side. Lowering her back a little in the process.
>She then slides forth with her front hooves, while keeping them pressed together.
>Her chest dips below her hindquarters, accentuating her rump.
>A smile on her face, nose up in the air, mostly closed eyes and a steady voice. It's Twilight lecture time.
>You realize quickly that this is no ordinary lecture. Those are planned and performed in a different way.

>"This cultural saddle is very old, but it has an important role in communicating your wishes to others." she states as a matter of fact.
>"The cultural saddles have a different design from saddles used for aesthetic purpose. Ordinary saddles are like a regular garment and can be considered a bold statement, but with no specific meaning.
>"It's important to know the difference between saddles in order to avoid saying awkward things in public.
>"You do have a knack for saying inappropriate things." she adds with a giggle.
>Twilight in her lewd position starts wagging her behind from side to side. Showing off her saddle, and the plot right behind it.
>"Unlike a normal garment the saddle sits very tight. It's not supposed to come off easily, even if you roll around or somepony is pushing and pulling you."
>It was obvious she pretended it to be a Twilight lecture. But it was pretty clear she had more than just a lesson in mind.
>You rise from your bed and walk towards her.

>>30168008
[2/14]
>"Cultural saddles have many different colors and designs, and they all symbolize different things."
>You stand real close, before going down on one knee, to take a real close look at the saddle.
>This unexpected gesture from a guest, who never got out of bed unless he had a very good reason, surprises her.
>She tense up a little and her voice loses a bit of its usual poise, as she continues.
>"Saddles... many different designs... they all mean different things." a quick break follows as she tries to assume her regular lecture voice and continue.
>"They played an important role in old Equestrian culture for finding a mate."
>You fondle the saddle to feel its smoothness. You press in a finger between the saddle and Twilight to check how tight she fastened it. Tracing its belt around her barrel.
>It was rare for Twilight to stop talking during a lesson. Unless you had a question she would happily tell you everything you wanted to know and much, much more.
>Now she suddenly takes a brief pause as you inspect her gear.
>She tries to compose herself before she continues.
>"Ahem, as you can see, this saddle has a darker color. If you see somepony wearing a cultural saddle in Ponyville the cultural base is often white or yellow, sometimes orange."
>Still holding on to her saddle you lean in closely. Pushing your head into her mane.
>You had noticed it as you came close but now you want to confirm it. Twilight was using perfume.
>That was an odd thing for her to use. You didn't think she needed it, and neither did she.
"You smell nice." you say softly with your nose buried in her mane.
>"Th-thank you... A-about saddles, yes, saddles... light colors invited ponies to talk about matters related to... procreation..."
>Her voice caught a fragile note to it. It was not her lecture voice.

>>30168019
[3/14]
>"Certain designs of white saddles shows you're open to advice. Additional patterns and ornaments would state if you needed advice, were willing to give advice, or just chat about such matters in general... and if you wanted to talk to a mare or a stallion..."
>Her fore hooves planted far out, and her hind legs were still spread wide, but it no longer seemed like she was doing it on purpose.
>It was as if she forgot about her pose. Your left hand started to pat her neck, and you let it move gently up and down along her throat.
>"Saddles are an important part of Equestrian culture... still used to this day... not as common. It's considered old fashioned..." she softly trails off into silence.
"Go on." you tell her while letting your right hand move along the area between her tail and saddle.
>As you start scratching it, her raised tail rises even more, and shifts a little to the side.
>Her tail had started to rise as you inspected her saddle and caressed her neck but now it was out of the ordinary.
>You look at Twilight, wondering if she's aware of how she looks.
>Her gaze is locked forward and she hardly breathes.
>"Saddles... important... for the Equestrian culture. Like this saddle for example. It meant... you were looking for a rider..."
>"It meant that you were ready to receive."
>"Y-yes... w-w-wait, what?"
>"The books I read, they literally say: ready to receive."
>"T-the b-books?" she stutters.
>"Yes Twilight. You have several books about cultural saddles." you say while letting your hand scratch the sides around her tail before you move down along her flank.
>Brushing her cutie mark with your fingers, rubbing the soft fur on her flank.
>"You read my books?" she whispers in a faint voice.
>"I've read several of your books. Not only those you recommend, or force me to read, but others that I find interesting to leaf through during lonely nights."

>>30168026
[4/14]
>"I see..." she says after being silent for a few seconds. Still frozen in her awkward pose.
"So, tell me more about saddles. When was the last time you saw one used."
>"I never used one!" she quickly responds.
>"I know that princess. So tell me when you saw one being used."
>"Applejack used one like this... I saw that... it was actually this saddle."
"Go on." you say as you use your left hand to steady her front, while your right hand start caressing the inside of her legs and thighs.
>"She had Big Mac promenade her through Ponyville."
"As a chaperon."
>"Y-y-yes..."
"To help her chose a suitable rider. To validate it's someone worthy so she isn't taken advantage of."
>"P-precisely..."
"Would be horrible to do the promenade and just have riff-raff to choose between, so a chaperon is used as an excuse to lead her home again if no sexy stallion is there to enter."
>Twilight just nods.
"A lot of the time it's the mom or a marefriend who follows. Guess Big Mac felt protective of his sister?"
>"I... I guess you could say that..." Twilight blurts out as your right hand moves on to feel her sensitive little teats between her hind legs.
"So tell me more."
>"Big Mac that day was different... he scowled and sneered towards all stallions who dared to get close.
>"Then as they approached the glade, he led Applejack over the plinth, tightened the bridle to the pole and decided to mount her himself."
>"And you saw it?"
>"Yes... I saw all of it. AJ was secretly hoping for another shy stallion in Ponyville who had felt intimidated by her advances.
>"She was furious at her brother for weeks after that. She hasn't done the promenade again."
"That explains why the books refer to the escort as a mare, in most parts of Equestria."
>"B-b-but it can be males too!" Twilight quickly adds.

>>30168037
[5/14]
"So you mean that I could escort you? Take you out for a promenade, to see if we can find someone worthy?"
>Twilight doesn't say anything. All this time she had been staring forward and not once had she turned her head, to check what you and your hands were doing.
>She can feel your hands all over her body, but she never looks.
>You let go of her behind and lean towards her face; your nose pressing against hers.
>It makes her snap out of her stupor, pull in her front legs, and compose herself in a more upright position, but her hind legs remains wide apart.
>She stares back at you with those big eyes. Her nervous expression almost looked like fear.
>"S-saddles... are an important part of Equestrian culture..." she stammers, while looking at your face, so close to hers.
>You close the last few inches and let your breath tickle into her nostrils.
>She gasps and you seize the opportunity - giving her a deep kiss.
>Now her breathing accelerates rapidly and in the corner of your eye you notice her tail is fully draped to the side. You wonder if she's aware of it.
>Your beloved little egghead had a tendency to forget everything else when she started a lecture and it seems she was still intent that this was a lesson to be learned.
>The question is if Twilight really is the teacher, and you really are the student.
>Perhaps you could teach Twilight a thing or two?

>>30167998
Just post all of it, man.

>>30168967
Time for me to go to bed, but I'll probably do that when I wake up.
(Unless I'm hit by some overwhelming urge to edit it.)

Noon bump

>>30137265
>It's not entirely clear what you had in mind..

I meant to suggest that a fixed plot event could possibly do some of the "heavy lifting", so to speak. Not that I'm entirely sure how to implement the idea, but it may help me reduce text density if applied correctly. Possibly.

I've found revision to be somewhat bothersome, in general. Probably a common trait among (aspiring) writers, I suppose.

Instead of attempting to revise the earlier piece, I decided to shelve it, and generate something new with your sound advice foremost in mind. That is, portions relating to consistent flaws were literally pasted above my writing sandbox.

The clear questions and approach you advocate were a bit difficult to apply, but a solid attempt was made. I suspect that this one only needs a little bit of polishing. Please take a gander at:

https://pastebin.com/CLf0thUz
A slice of life between Luna and Celestia.

Regarding goals, mine was the amorphous "become better at writing". As a bit of specificity can only help, the revised goal is now " become better at writing by taking sound advice".

Getting applicable feedback is fun and novel, for me, so I welcome it wholeheartedly. I'd like to know how others view my writing in relation to reasonable criteria such as has been offered.

So far the responses have been much better than: "thats good", "that sucks", or "engage in an anatomically impossible sexual act".

My thanks once more. It can seen that your feedback made a difference, hopefully I've make good use of it. Feel free to let me know, either way.

>>30169043
make sure to rest well

>>30168048
[6/14]
>You move back to her side, and stretch your arms around her, to lift her up.
>She's lighter than she looks. It's easy to carry her to your bed.
"So what happens when a rider has been selected?" you ask her.
>She doesn't answer as you place her standing up on your bed.
>You move to stand on your knees behind her.
>You grab her ass and press it towards your body, feeling her moistness on your bare stomach.
>You grab her hind legs and pull them to each side. Leaving her with reduced balance in a vulnerable position.
"So what will the selected rider do to the mare?" you ask again.
>"I d-don't know... I only read... and listened to what some said..." her voice shallow and frail.
>With her behind still pushed towards your stomach, your arms reach forward and tuck in her front legs so she kneels down.
>It's making her primed and ready for what you had in mind.
"So you read about it? Please, explain to me what the books said."
>"T-the s-stallion... b-breeds the mare..."
"Interesting. Please explain in detail..."
>Twilight was silent and the only thing that was heard was her rapid breathing.
>Your hands kept working the entire time, and two fingers decided to push inside her slippery entrance.
>She was hot, very hot. She was also tight and it seemed the tunnel of skin had folds that never had been stretched.
>Your curiosity was mostly focused on your fingers, but you still ask:
"So, how do you breed a mare?"
>Twilight's heavy panting was the only thing that was the only answer.
>She was quivering in your hands until she finally answered, "I... I forgot..."
"Perhaps we should see if I can remember?"
>Twilights head, now resting on your bed, gives you a small nod.

>>30173427
[7/14]
>You can't help smiling at this unusual behavior before another question pops into your mind.
"Why did you dress up in a saddle? How did you know I read all your saddle-books?"
>"I asked Princess Luna... I wanted to know how your species react when aroused..."
>So it would seem Moonbutt knows a lot about you.
>You always believed she had a clinical disinterest in pretty much everything.
>If Luna had peeked inside your dreams, it would explain a lot of her comments.
>You had chalked up any sexual insinuations as a result of your dirty mind, but with this new info it would seem her double entendres were on purpose.

>"I... I said... I wanted to study how you looked when aroused... and asked what would arouse you." Twilight puff out in between clenched jaws.
>"For science!" she suddenly yells out. "It's all for science!" she adds with a tint of desperate panic in her voice and pleading eyes.
"Yes Twilight, it's all for science." you calmly reply.
"You know I studied all those books meticulously because I want to become a scientist." you add while your hands keeps exploring her belly and behind.
>Your fingers probing, pushing and now rubbing various areas around her entrance and inside of her, to test her response.
>Twilight's gasps and moans, in between her heavy breathing.

>She closes her eyes and pushes her head down into a pillow.
>"Liar!" she says with a muffled tone into your pillow. "You're no scientist."
>"Oh yes I am. It's just that I don't study math, geography, chemistry, geology, and all those topics you claim are so important to know." you gently reply.
>You grab hold of her ass with both hands and lean in on top of her, getting your face close to her head, so you can whisper into her ear:
"I study social issues, like how to fuck a mare until she orgasms."

>>30173433
[8/14]
>Your dark steamy voice causes Twilight to shiver in your grasp, before you resume your old position.
"I think we need to study that a lot. I also want practical studies with cultural saddles.
"And since I've read all your books, I think I'm suited to be your chaperon."
>With your body pushed against Twilights behind you untie your belt and pull down your pants.
>You push yourself towards her on purpose while you do it. So she can feel how you undress.
"But I must warn you... I can be very protective about those I love, and it's unlikely I will find a suitable suitor.
"So I will probably end up doing it all by myself, just like Big Mac."
>You let your hand once more prepare her opening. Her tail has been draped to the side the entire time but you want to make a point.
>With your fingers close to the root of her tail, you let them push through and then up, pulling her tail over her cute little rump.
>Just to let her know you are preparing her properly.
>"I... I, I w-would like that very much... p-please..." Twilight whimpers with her head in your pillow.
"You would like what?" you ask while you let your throbbing cock glide up and down her winking vagina.
>"F-for you to promenade me... around Ponyville... and lead me to the glade of passion. And make sure I'm mated and don't have to go home empty and in shame."
>You start to push yourself a little bit inside. Feeling her tight canal switch between straining and relaxing, as if it was unsure how it should treat the intruder.
>You force yourself a little bit further inside, tearing a bit, before it comes to a halt.
>Twilight whimpers and her wings go rigid, but you know the next push will hurt even more.
>Twilight probably read about it in some book, as you notice her anxiously biting one of your pillows, preparing herself for the inevitable.
>You can feel her body shivering between your hands. Rip the band-aid fast or do it little by little?
>You decide to wait a little.

>>30173440
[9/14]
"You know as a princess, you represent all of Equestria, and not just Ponyville.
"I bet lots of ponies would like to see a princess perform the traditional old customs. When was last time a princess did it?"
>You perform some pelvic moments from side to side to tickle her sensitive entrance with your dick.
>A muffled response from Twilight gives you the answer you suspected. It has never happened.
"I need to promenade you not just in Ponyville, but in other towns and villages too, so they know their stallions are just as important and highly regarded as the stallions of Ponyville."
>Twilight doesn't answer, but she nods her head, still having your pillow in her mouth.
"And the cities are important too. Manehattan has a huge amount of ponies. For such a large city your saddle would need tassels, for it to be fair.
"You know what different tassels means?"

>Twilights panting never slowed down after the initial shallow penetration.
>If anything it has increased as you let your hand massage her tickler and the surrounding area.
"Every stallion who receives a tassel during the promenade is invited to mount the mare. To help fill her up and guarantee that she is properly bred.
"With you being a princess, I doubt we will have any problem finding many strong stallions in a big city like Manehattan." you say in a dark, husky voice.
>Twily's hind legs turns into jelly as her muscles no longer wants to obey her.
>You reach out and grab one of the pillows at the end of the bed.
>You never withdraw your manhood from her quivering entrance as you prop up her behind, using the pillow.

>>30173452
[10/14]
"I think four or five tassels would be in order to hand out. I must have you know that I want to be first...
"before all the other stallions.... and, I also want to be last, to properly finish you."
>You feel Twilight's vagina fill with rippling motions as she cries out into your pillow.
>Her entire body is quivering and she's leaking fluids beneath your penis.
>You think that now is probably a good time, and you decide to push yourself all the way inside.
>Twilight's muffled cry takes on an increased intensity while you break through any resistance her insides can muster.

>Her interior is so hot, so tight, and you fill her up completely.
>You don't move and just savour the moment. Buying you some time to compose yourself.
>You don't know if she's sobbing or quivering, so you decide to wait a little.
>You hold your pelvis still, so your rigid member doesn't cause the newly stretched Twilight to suffer.
>You keep caressing her cute little rump, giving it a well deserved massage for taking all of you inside.

>Finally you can't wait anymore and lean forward to whisper in her ear.
"Are you ready for the breeding to begin?"
>Twilight nods.
>You grab her ass, and press it hard towards you, while your hips start pumping.
>She feels so soft against your skin. Her delicious ass yielding to your fingers.
>Your member gets tickled by her hot oils, as it goes back and forth, inside the quivering little mare.

>>30173467
[11/14]
>You decide to turn up the pace. It's time to show her just how fast you can churn that butter.
>Faster thrusts pushes you all the way inside, then quickly withdraw, just to repeat the penetration.
>You feel your body start to sweat. It's as the heat from her interior is spreading through your body.
"Who's a good princess?" you pant in between clenched jaws.

>She doesn't listen. Even her outstretched wings seem to have lost their strength.
>You pump her even harder. You use your hands to move not just her ass, but her entire body.
>Have her rocking back and forth so she really feels how her whole body is being used.
"Who's a good princess??" you repeat louder.
>Her head tilted to the side she is no longer biting the pillow.
>Gasping hard with an open mouth, she's barely able to turn her head.
>She looks quizzically at you from the corner of her eye.

>With every thrust she makes a small high-pitched sound, almost like a mewl or a whimper cut short.
>Twilight appear unaware of the slightly whistling sound her heavy breathing causes, together with every pant.
"You are!" you finally exclaim. You didn't think she would figure it out by herself in her current state.
>Twilight smiles.
"Yes, you are!!" you say as you feel her interior muscles contract again.
>Causing ripples back and forth in her love canal.
>She's so fucking cute; you can't hold it in anymore.
>You shove it in, and floods her with all you got.

>>30173476
[12/14]
* (epilogue) *
>You lie on your back, staring at the ceiling. Feeling pretty exhausted but damn content.
>Twilight immediately snuggled up on your chest and her head has been resting there since your finale.
>Nobody saying anything during the 10 minutes you recover your breath. You're just happy to cuddle.

"That was fucking fantastic!" you say while patting her with the arm you hold around her.
>"Amazing! Simply amazing." Twilight happily responds.
>"We must start the planning right away." she quickly adds "No time to lose." she says as she raises her head, looking deep into your eyes.
"Plan for what?"
>"The trip of course. The one we talked about during... you know. We need tickets, bookings, travel arrangements and all sorts of things.
>"We need to pack, prepare, and have ponies take care of our home and everything else while we're gone.
>"We can't return to Ponyville after every town we visit so we need somepony to help us."
"Uh?"
>You can't believe the energy of this little pony. She was exhausted a few minutes ago and now even her wings are stretching with excitement.

>>30173490
[13/14]
>"SPIKE!!" she yells.
"Wait, what?" you try and interrupt her, since you don't want Spike to come in and see this.
>"Spike can ask Rarity to make tassels for my saddle. And he can help with bookings and errands.
>"There is a lot of organizing to be done for our tour around Equestria but don't you worry, I'm pretty good at organizing, if I may say so myself."
>During the last bit she closes her eyes, and turns her face to side, trying to look modest.

>Her enthusiasm gets the better of her, and she quickly looks back at you, and rapidly continues:
>"I thought about it while we snuggled and we should start with the smaller areas so I get some more practice before we tackle the bigger cities.
>"And I was thinking we could include diplomatic trips to Yakistan and Griffonstone to show them a part of our culture and listen to their feedback."
"You want their input?" you add with some irony in your voice, but any hidden meaning is completely lost to Twilight, in her joy.
>"While there, I could use a darker saddle, that signals a tough spanking before entry.
>"Their culture is a bit more rough than ours, and that would show them that an Equestrian Princess isn't some weak and timid little thing.
>"No Anon, we're going to teach them that I can put my butt up, and take everything you got."

"They don't even have love glades in those places. Only pony culture has those." you start to protest.
>"Precisely, but I had time to plan and we'll just bring our own plinth and stock or send one ahead of us to be installed in advance.
>"I will make sure everything is properly prepared, for every site we visit."
>She pushes her face real close to yours, making a happy little sound.
>Her smile stretches so wide you wonder if she stole it from Pinkie Pie.

>>30173500
[14/14]
>"And Baltimare for example, may want to expand upon their glade.
>"The slopes surrounding the big one can probably squeeze in a hundred ponies but I suspect a lot more may want to watch.
>"A princess wearing a saddle is quite unusual after all. Perhaps use their stadium?
>"We will have to plan things like that together with each city council during the trip.
>"As our trips to smaller villages gets documented and published, we will gather needed experience for the larger cities. Don't you worry Anon."
>You can't come up with anything smart to say, so you just nod.

>"After we've been all over Equestria, I was thinking we should have the grand finale in Canterlot.
>"Oh, and you know what we can do? I could use the blindfold there. You know? The one that signals that ponies may cover themselves in masks and cloaks to hide their identity.
>"That way I won't know if an old friend or acquaintance is visiting me. That's a bit kinky? Isn't it?" she looks at you while giggling.
"Yes... yes it is..."
>"You must document it all for your science report, and extend it to explain how different saddles inspire ponies, and the effects on the mare.
>"Your report will surely be of huge interest to many in Equestria." she looks at you with a proud face. As if you already had accomplished something of value.
>"You know... I would be honored if you let me write the foreword." she says while fluttering her eyes seductively.
"I love you so much, you can write the entire book if you want."
>"Oh, you're such a tease... SPIKE!! Where is that dragon when you need him? Unless we get started right away and keep up the pace, our tour will take over a year."

>You try and relax, staring at the ceiling, wondering how many ponies would soon be staring at you.
>At least you can claim you're doing it for science.
>Yeah, that's right... it's all for science!

>>30173504
(* Conclusion *)
When giving some advice on how to write porn ( >>30120290 ), I really needed some examples to show what I meant.
I later decided to write this story to be used as an example of various techniques.

My aim was to keep it shorter and more efficient (1-2k words), but obviously that was not to be. (Perhaps if I changed the setting to something that required less explanation. Twilight and Anon goes swimming?)

A lot of descriptions that could help the reader visualize the scenery are missing just to keep it short. Details on wings, Twilight’s ears, and her hooves/horn/fur could help imagine the scene but it would also slow it down.
Details on how the saddle looks, the room, the bed, are all excluded - because the average reader doesn’t give a shit. (If they read it for the sexual content.)
With the reader’s focus on Twilight’s cunt, you better focus your story around that, and not if Anon has a shirt or not.

You may also notice how it doesn’t have Anon flip-flop between various emotions. It’s to make it easier for the reader to feel empathy.
Twilight who leads the charge towards "arousal" keeps her emotions single-minded uncomplicated.
(Her science-call added for some spice but it doesn’t include an emotional detour.)

>>30173680
Also: Can you imagine the last thing I did before posting was to check I got the green-quotes > properly placed?
And the first thing I see after posting (and in later segments) are a bunch of missing markers?

Yeah, shit likes that makes me hate myself, but consider it part of the education.
It shows how different writers are hopeless at different things.
That's why the best writers in the world often thank their editors in their foreword.

Writers doesn't earn any money in todays society.
That's why no 4chan pass is here to bump us.

>>30176028
i cry evertim

>>30176028
sad

>>30179238
This

>page 10, only 1 thread buffer

>>30183497
bump

Save

>>30184509

No more motivation to write bump

>>30189191

Goodnight

>>30190152

I have an entire alphabet to chose from.
I can pick and combine whatever I want.
But in the end it's always the same four letters: B U M P

Save

>>30173769
I'll take a look at your story tomorrow, after work.

Good night

>>30171355
I'm not the Anon that replied to your first story, but it doesn't seem like he'll be reading the new link you posted anytime soon. So allow me to butt in.

Keep in mind that 99.99% of my criticisms are going to be personal quibbles. You might as well preface every single sentence below with "I think" or "In my opinion" or "Personally" and et cetera.

Your grammar is very solid for the most part. There are some commas where I think a period or semicolon would have been more suitable, you occasionally lapse into passive voice, and there are a few tense switches here and there. Otherwise, no major problems in that department. The only glaring grammar error I could find is your punctuation when writing dialogue; a period isn't necessary after the closing quotation marks.
>"I love cheese," Celestia said.

There are more than a few times where I had some difficulty parsing out the meaning behind lines. A word is used in some novel way or a sentence is unorthodox in structure (but still grammatically correct as far as I can tell). That's all fine mind you; by all means be a trailblazer. It wouldn't hurt if you included some more context clues to help retards like me better understand what you're trying to convey.

1/4

>>30198180
When it's unclear who is currently speaking, I'd prefer the attribution to come before the dialogue. Take this scenario for example:
>Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are sitting on a bench.
>"Hey, wanna go to the beach? I hear they have killer snow cones!" Pinkie said.
>"Sure, let's go!" Rainbow replied.
You see how it's not immediately clear who is speaking at first and you have to go back to read the line with the correct character in mind? Now compare with:
>Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are sitting on a bench.
>Pinkie said, "Hey, wanna go to the beach? I hear they have killer snow cones!"
>"Sure, let's go!" Rainbow replied.
This becomes less important when you have longer stories (where you can establish a character's unique voice and they become quickly identifiable), but it's still something worth considering.

Your prose leans a bit purple for my tastes. It's not unreadable by any means (which I applaud you for), but it's certainly one of the more verbose pieces I've critiqued so far. Excuse me for presuming, but I get a sense that you're making an unconscious effort to use complex words where more simple ones would've work just as well or better. Now, that isn't inherently a bad thing, especially considering it seems well-within character for your particular Luna. Let me just posit a thought: if you're constantly writing at such a high level, then it's difficult for any scene to ever get enough momentum to deliver a really meaty impact. If a driver only ever drives at 90mph, then that speed will eventually become mundane for that person. If another driver likes to drive at 50mph, 90 would seem much more exciting in comparison. Take Luna's dialogue for instance; her speech kinda blends in with the writing around it, so it doesn't come off as anachronistic as it is, which in turn diminishes the 'fish out of water' feel of your story.

2/4

>>30198188
As for the story itself, I don't have too much to comment on.

I think Celestia's speech could've been even more modern. It would've helped differentiate them as characters and played up the divide between them.

I think it's odd that Nightmare Moon fantasized about dressing up Celestia like a roasted pig, complete with apple in mouth. It's not something I see her character imagining and it carries some connotations that I think should either be dropped or explored more.

I think you should expand more on Luna's interest in horticulture. It's essentially the catalyst for Luna finally opening up, and so deserves narrative justification. Maybe she could have a particular fondness for tulips or Burr Bank could be one of the first friends she made since returning?

The thawing of Luna and Celestia's relationship could've been staggered out more. As it stands, it's pretty much a single, abridged paragraph of Celestia talking about gardening and suddenly Luna feels relaxed enough to chat back. This could've been more gradual, more back-and-forth.

3/4

>>30198193
Your English skills are strong; that much is obvious to me. Sentences vary in length, you make good use of figurative language, and, while it gets in the way of my enjoying the story at times, I can appreciate the effort to challenge the reader's vocabulary.

Plot-wise, the relationship between the Sisters does feel nuanced and heartfelt. I wouldn't exactly call your Luna a complex character, but she certainly isn't one-dimensional.

Of all the stories I've read here so far, yours is definitely in the upper echelons when it comes to qualities like believable characters and general writing ability. You mentioned "becom[ing] better at writing" being one of your main goals. I don't know what 'better' entails for you, so I can't confidently give any advice on that front. If you want to be a more popular writer however, you would do well to make your writing more accessible, at least in my personal opinion.

As a side note: is Burbank particularly known for flowers?

4/4

>>30173680
I actually meant to review your story first, but I tend to write points of criticism as I read and you managed to solve or alleviate most of them in the second-half of you story. If nothing else, I think your writing is inconsistent. Sorry I can't be any more detailed, unless you want to see my draft of issues that are only really relevant in your introduction.

>>30200469

>>30201539

>>30173680
I'm really glad you explained what you did in the conclusion, because I was going to bring up all of that in my critique. So, as a writing exercise, it's pretty good. I'd say you did a good job of doing what you set out to do, though I think expanding your imagery wouldn't be bad. A lot of readers are there for the sex only, yes, but not everyone is going to get the same level of gratification from the same things. Some folks will be satisfied with a simple focus on her tunnel of love, but others might be more interested in the sounds, the smells, the textures, and all that. Cutting out a lot of the description of the saddle and room and so on is fine, though, as you explain.

I'm not sure I agree that removing Anon's various emotions helps to encourage empathy. Seems to me that he's just a typical man-shell that tons of other stories portray him as, and, in my experience, readers tend to prefer he has a little substance. You don't have to make much of it, but at least try to codify his lust for Twilight, so the story has some context.

I actually really liked the setting you used. It amused me that the majority of Anon's dirty talk was just him showing Twilight that he'd done his research. It reflected well on Twilight's character that that kind of knowledge is a turn-on in and of itself.

You said you were looking for some grammatical advice, so here are the errors that I took note of.

In the first post, you want "wanted" rather than "pretended" for the penultimate line. Also, you oughtn't start your sentences with conjunctions.

In the third post, the sentence beginning "Her tail had started to rise..." makes no sense. I'm not sure what you're trying to say with it.

The line "She can feel your hands..." is unnecessary in the fifth post. Her reaction makes it clear that she can feel you caressing her. 1/2

>>30204042
In post six, you've got some unnecessary verbiage in the line "Twilight's heavy panting was..." Then, your use of the world "also" in "She was also tight..." makes the sentence sound too clinical. It's like you're listing qualities about her, without any passion or interest.

The final line in your seventh post is extremely un-sexy. Again, it's too clinical. It could be a good joke, if you made anything of it, but, alone as it was, it just looked like a weird attempt to avoid the typical way of telling her that you want to plow her fields with your meat tiller.

In post eleven, you want "push," not "pushes," in "Faster thrusts pushes..." In that same post, you can combine the following two sentences into one.

In post twelve, you want to say "Nobody says," not "Nobody saying."

You've also got a few incomplete sentences. "Tracing its belt around her barrel" in the second post, "Still frozen in her awkward pose" in the fourth, and "Twilight's gasps and moans, in between her heavy breathing" in the seventh.

Outside of that, though, it was all right.

Here is a recent fic written by a friend of mine. He wants some feedback on it. Thanks!

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/304452/seeing-the-sunset

>>30205843
What this guy said

>>30171355
[1/2] Better late than never?
Anyho... I'm going to repeat myself and say that I'm a sucker for your elaborate unexpected prose. I love most of it.
I also repeat myself when I say that 90% of the readers in the world: will not like it. Your prose can be a barrier to overcome before they can digest the scenery.
A little confusion here and there will cause the reader to believe his mental imagery is incorrect. Readers don't like that.

A few parts feel a bit overworked. For example:
>Lacunae at Lunch
Feels like someone using a thesaurus searching for alliterations. Perhaps use something simpler and more descriptive? Makes it easier to guide the reader into the scene.
I'm not one of those who adamantly claim the first sentence is the most important, but I do believe it's good if it makes the reader feel at home.

A writer can be seen as a guide. Just like a regular guide you should start with explaining where your group of readers are and what they should be looking at.
At some places your sentences takes on a life of their own, and run ahead of both guide and group.
Line 11, "That the bland dead eyes ..." comes to mind.

The generic advice would be to make your sentences shorter, but a sentence can be also made "shorter" by structuring it differently and use additional punctuation.

You can also make it easier by mixing a more esoteric adjective with a simpler synonym.
In dialogue it's a lot easier to weave explanations into the text.
>"Her kittenish behavior encouraged his tomfoolery." says ExampleOne.
>"Oh, you can't blame his stupidity on her frisky teasing." ExampleTwo replies.

Many of the best writers in the world are great because they can express themselves with a simple elegance that makes everyone able to enjoy them.
The same can be said for many successful writers of fanfiction. (If working hard, for nothing, can be considered successful.)

>>30207389
[2/2]
If you can mix a rudimentary no-nonsense style in some narrative parts, and reserve more complicated prose for dialogue and various thoughts, your text may attract a bigger audience.

For this purpose I would recommend you to read Ernest Hemingway, "The Old Man and the Sea".
It's literally about an old man dragged across the ocean. (I don't like people who misuse the word literally, but here it's pretty apt.)
I hated his book, but I admired his prose. His simple text created vivid images and I guess that's why he's famous.
For me that short book was a pain to read, because my "attention deficit disorder" got bored with his simple repetitive phrases and the fact that nothing interesting happens.
Yet he is acknowledged as a master, and I'm acknowledged as a failure, so I would be stupid not to study it carefully.
I would recommend you learn from Hemingway and mimic his style as a foundation, and use your current style as spice.
(Or screw the plebs and go with spice all the way!)

When it comes to the summary of the actual plot, I would guess you built this one in the same way you created the previous:
1) A scene is played out inside your head.
2) Describe it with text.
And that's what pretty much all writers do, but the problem appears in step 3 and 4.
3) All readers interpret the words differently.
4) All readers end up visualizing something entirely different.

During editing you should disconnect from number 1 and focus on how it reads. Instead of trying to describe your imagination, you focus on the actual text presented and how to create a text that bestows the same feeling.

Regarding your goal to become a better writer, you could budget your time as follows:
1) Read a lot of boring famous writers. 50% of your time.
2) Write different styles of prose. 10% of your time.
3) Edit and rewrite your text. 40% of your time.
(Yeah, it's a lot of time spent editing, but it's usually time well spent.)

>>30204571
>Write here what you think of my buddy.
Ok, usually I would ignore a request like that, but for some reason I got curious.

Since my time is limited I read the first chapter, 7th chapter "Nightmares" (due to interesting title) and some of the ending.

The story can be summarized in two words: Teenage Angst

The little I read felt like a rerun of EQG. For those who want to see EQG again, a reprise like this may be great, but I don't want to see it again.

Although all chapters have been labeled "edited", I wasn't overly impressed by the prose. Random example from 1st page:
>Sunset nodded and walked out of the room. Instead of going back to class, however, she walked out the front doors.
This is probably fine to most readers, but it's not according to my taste.

Judging from all the votes, I would guess not only kids, but also a lot of reminiscing grown-ups enjoy that kind of story.

In conclusion: With 37k and 149 comments, the writer surely has all the feedback it needs.
I don't think my opinions will matter. Especially not if filtered through some acquaintance.

>>30198202
>your writing is inconsistent
Thanks for your feedback.
It may not look like much, but everything helps.

One way to interpret your choice of word: The rollercoaster goes up... but not down... more up... a little to the left and right, but fails to deliver.
At least that's how I now look upon my text when I read it.

>>30204042
>>30204090
Great feedback, thank you.

>More imagery could be useful.
I think you're 100% right. When I look at the text now, it's not a gentle, careful nudge towards arousal.
It's a fucking flat-liner... without fucking... just a lonely reader knocking at the EEG supposed to "go ping".
Scratching his head instead of his balls.
Sorry, that's a hyperbole but I love those. You're still correct and explained the reasons for it.

Thanks for the grammatical advice, they were all great. Especially this one:
>In the third post, the sentence beginning "Her tail had started to rise..." makes no sense.
Yeah, as I was trying to rewrite it, I couldn't figure it out either. It served no purpose and by the power of "delete" it can now make way for something useful, or just disappear and improve the word-budget.

>The final line in your seventh post is extremely un-sexy.
Aww, that's so sad. (But extremely good to know!)
It's a "milestone" in my text and a marker for me as a writer. It's supposed to shake things up and remind me to change the pace.
Anon should become curious and horny while inspecting the saddle, and after the "milestone" his curiosity should wane and be replaced by a more possessive arousal.
A change that I failed to describe, since I was too sparse with Anon's feelings/body-language.

For the moment I don't know what to do with that sentence.
His name eludes me, but a famous writer once said: "It doesn't matter if your readers love or hate it, as long as they're not indifferent."
Perhaps I'll use him as an excuse to let the abomination stay unless I can come up with something better.

File: MLP-Twilight-TLDR.gif (224KB, 450x350px) Image search: [Google]

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If I would show Saddle Lecture to Twilight...

>>30207906
You're quite welcome. You seem to have a pretty good handle on how your story does and doesn't work already, so I can't add a whole lot without knowing more about you and your styles in general. More detail on Anon's feelings during Twilight's lecture would definitely help, and would allow you to create a gradient from interest to arousal. Perhaps having him get close a little later would help as well. That milestone that you mention, it could also be the point at which he decides to get up and approach her, strengthening that signal of switching from passive to possessive.

bumpeli-bump

Evening bump

Goodnight

>>30198188
>I'd prefer the attribution before the dialogue... this becomes less important in longer stories.
Fair point. Given the typical length and density of my attempts, the trend you point out could be some obscure form of efficiency. I can't claim my odd method of attribution as anything other than habit.

>to use complex word where more simpler ones would've work[ed]

No contest from me on this matter, though the purple prose isn't deliberate, but rather habitual.

One sticking point, however, relayed via example. Try and find a word that equates to lacunae. A difficult matter, but using a set of simpler phrases instead of a single word would get the idea across, yes? Unfortunately, when I try this, the density and length become... quite excessive. All the pieces I've shown are shortened and condensed, by my standards.

My usual worry is that I'll ask too much of the reader in terms of pure word count. You see the result in

>The driving metaphor, a diminished 'fish out of water'

In taking earlier advice, well given, I limited viewpoint to Luna, and Narrator. Apparently, both were so stylistically that they were hard to distinguish. If I'd managed to make them more distinct, then perhaps there would be enough 'momentum' to give impact. Odd idea, from my perspective, as I usually try and show impact via introspection.

Would you mind elaborating on this idea of using style variance to give impact? Not certain of what you mean, but I'm intrigued by the idea

>>30198193
>I think Celestia's speech could've been more modern

Actually, it is, with the exception of during the hug. Celestia matching Luna's dialect only at that single point in the piece, was meant to add impact and intimacy. Alas, it wasn't so.

>Nightmare Moon fantasized about dressing up Celestia like a roasted pig...

This was an exploration of Luna's past memory as Nightmare Moon. The presumption is that personality traits from Nightmare Moon aren't retained in Luna, but the memories were.

Recall that Nightmare Moon's goals amounted to extinction of all life on a planet. Hatred of a jailer would be par for such a disturbed megalomaniac. Extend this for a millennium, and the given fantasy seems remarkably tame.

>Luna's interest in horticulture... the catalyst for Luna finally opening up.

Ah, that must have been handled poorly if it gave that impression.

Luna was merely attempting to keep Celestia from prying by making small talk. Luna opened up by noting that Celestia actually cared about her responses in a drastically different way. The change in her sister's behavior was Luna's catalyst.

>the thawing of Luna and Celestia's relationship could've been staggered out more

Yes, my attempt was to indicate a long conversation, by showing highlights.

I assume herbivores in Equestria (as ours here) must either eat for extended periods, or (a less likely option, biologically) in large amounts due to equine digestive tracts.

Mea culpa, I gave no information that would lead anyone to the same conclusion

.

>>30198202
>use of figurative language...gets in the way of my enjoying the story

Unfortunately, this is one of my most habitual stylistic traits. The other Anon gives some advice to solve this. Not easy solutions, but I'll give them a try.

>I can appreciate the effort to challenge the reader's vocabulary

Not my intent by any means. This is actually the stain of classical leanings in my childhood education. I use 'antipode' and such obscure terms in daily conversation. It's a troublesome lifelong habit; keep your children from archaic literature, lest the same occur.

>I wouldn't exactly call your Luna a complex character

Actually, we agree on this point. Why do you think this is so?

>you would do well to make you writing more accessible

Correct once more, still it remains difficult in practice. so far. Attempts continue on my part.

>Is Burbank particularly known for flowers?

No, he was a man of such a tenacious and practical bent that he usually took fruits and vegetables as subjects for experimentation. It is for this that he is usually lauded.

Not to say he didn't work with flowers, just to a lesser degree. Amusingly in one of his volumes (I cannot recall which, I only read 3/6 of them) he notes the odd crossbreeds that naturally occur in some adjacently grown flowers. He couldn't know it in his time, but in noting this, he discovered and experimented with transfection (not the usual crossbreeding method). long before the mechanism was known.


Thanks for your detailed compliments, advice, and critiques. Know that they are appreciated, I'll try to keep them in mind and make appropriate changes. The 'guidelines' appended in my writing sandbox are growing. I believe this to be for the best.

>>30207389
>Better late than never?

Agreed, and without irony on my part. The vicissitudes of life affect us all, hopefully for the better. Some of your points were made by another on this thread, some flaws in my writing are that readily apparent. You might find that Anon's criticisms, and my responses of note.

>A little confusion... cause the reader to believe his mental imagery is incorrect.

Ah, I suspect this is what the other respondent meant, when he said my prose was disruptive. I didn't get that until this moment, surprisingly enough.

Happily, examining both of your responses is making things clearer, I think...

I'm going out on a limb and conjoining both your respective sets of advice into a set of potential solutions. Bear with me, my current state will allow me to place the blame on sleep deprivation.

For my embedded unusual word choice: extended context clues alloted across 1) scenery and 2) the less material points of focus (i.e introspection) with 3) a simplified narrative voice distinct from the other two elements

The third element strikes me as slightly awkward, and somewhat jarring; perhaps this effect is what was meant by 'momentum'?

Theoretically, this should reduce reader disruption, increase impact, and guide the reader in a clearer manner.. Is my 'understanding' simply lack of sleep, or is this close to what is meant?

>feels like someone using a thesaurus... use something simpler and more descriptive.

I'm disposed to use precise terms for a smaller word count. When writing for other than practice or pleasure, this is a constraint I've had to bear. You've both made note of this, I must ask if my pieces (as they stand so far) are unacceptably long for the average reader?

As I mentioned earlier, the word count will probably double, if I can apply this advice. Past experience has shown this to be true. Would that be too much for the average reader?
>At some places

>>30207403
>At some places you sentences... run ahead of both guide and group

Ah, an artifact of recursive editing, and Edwardian literature. Shortening sentences seems to be the consensus. The variant punctuation method will hopefully solve both this, and the odd attribution traits the other Anon noted.

>the best writers...are great...can express themselves with a simple elegance

Along with your thoughts on Hemingway, this may be the key to refining my stylistic problems. I've never read "The Old Man and the Sea", but other Hemingway works have been perused.

Currently, I'm reading Terry Pratchett, his scenery and dialogue are straight-forward. The thoughts and narration are where he applies the 'spice'.

I'll attempt another piece that alludes to Pratchett. After that, the next will aim for an Hemingway-esque style. Hopefully, I can compose and paste the Pratchett within a week, and concurrently read "The Old Man and the Sea".

>During editing...create a text that bestows the same feeling.

Well put. Apparently I've been proofreading instead of editing.

Your rules for becoming a better writer seem sound enough to practice. Being prolific to a modest degree, I'm starting to see why Asimov found it an irritating habit.

Thanks once more, I'll attempt to put the feedback to good use -- if somewhat haphazardly -- while working out the praxis of application.

That is to say, working out the bugs, as it were. A work in progress, no doubt.

>>30218218
always a fun read

>>30218111
>>30218218
This anon's advice focused on your main goal, to "become better at writing". So I didn't dissect the text. (The other Anon did a good job with that.)

I did notice you used another dialect for Celestia, but I couldn't be sure if it was a coincidence, my imagination, or deliberate.
Nuances tends to get lost in text so sometimes "blunt is better".

This leads us back to how a simple language is the most efficient. That's why I strongly disagree when you say:
>I'm disposed to use precise terms for a smaller word count.
There is no such thing as a precise term. Even the simplest of words will be interpreted differently.

Example: One group who tries to define "precise terms" are lawyers who literally spend hundreds of hours in school to learn the boundaries of a simple word like "reasonable".
After that they spend the rest of their life in court and arguing if an action was "reasonable" or if there is "reasonable doubt".
The rest of the world has a very haphazard interpretation of "reasonable".

Another group who use strict definitions (for some words) are scientists. The prefix "kilo-" is an internationally defined unit so strictly speaking 1 kilobyte is 1000 bytes, and not 1024.

As a rule of thumb the interpretation of the majority wins and sometimes steam-roll a scientific declaration.
A label can claim that some food contains "300 calories" when they mean "300.000 calories" or "300 kcal".
(So even professionals fail the worlds easiest definition and FDA doesn't care.)
A lot fewer will understand a more complex word like "Lacuna"

You did a 3 bullet checklist, I think was supposed to summarize our advice regarding prose?
Not sure what you meant, but remember to only work with the advice you feel comfortable with.
Otherwise it's easy to hit a brick wall and end up with writer's block.

Also let me quote http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
>When writing dialogue, you need to keep the speakers in different paragraphs.

>>30211285
>You seem to have a pretty good handle on how your story does and doesn't work already
After writing something, I'll notice "thousands" of possible flaws (and a bunch of obvious ones).
If I do this with someone else's text, it's all fun and games - just rip it apart in a scathing review. (Just kidding!)

That's why feedback is so valuable, because it helps me to identify the weakest links. My other suspicions can be put to rest while I focus on the flaws people decided to point out.
(Other suspicions include but not limited to: Lacks vulgar expressions at proper places. Not enough close-ups sprinkled at later stage. Need to hint more kinds/fetishes to hook more readers. Need to make good examples of the things I claim should be included.)

For the moment I'm just happy to learn the basics of 2nd person narrative. I hate that style (and dislike 1st person) so before January I had zero experience with it.
Don't know if I want to continue the story or ditch it.
If I'm to be honest, I rather read pr0n than write it.

Save

I wrote a thing. I liked the scenario when I thought it up, but I think my execution fell flat in terms of pacing, characterization and whatever else I’m too dumb to notice. Thoughts?


For your wallet's sake, you didn't exactly have a king's breakfast this morning. Just a banana and some bread, anything more being a luxury you literally could not afford.

It was barely noon before the first hunger pangs struck. You ignored them of course, doing your best to cope with the rest of the day on an empty stomach. Unfortunately, hunger is a problem seldom solved by the passage of time (unless of course it's a lot of time).

Your abdomen growls loudly enough to draw the attention of passing ponies. You even start to feel a bit faint, your limbs gradually growing heavy and sluggish with every passing moment. Going any longer without food will almost certainly be a recipe for disaster. You have to eat something.

You open your coinpurse to set a lunch budget. Judging by the contents, you could maybe go to Café Hay and eat the flowers they use to set the tables. No wait, those are the actual appetizers, so even that's out of the question.

There is always <i>that</i> option. To be more specific, the option that's all around you and completely free. That is to say, you could trot out to some nearby pasture and start grazing like some filthy fucking animal, or a cow. Now, you're no prude, but grazing fell out of public etiquette a good while ago and anypony caught eating off the ground is going to be called out for it regardless of whether or not grass is involved. That much is a given.

On the other hoof, you also want to not die. So in the interests of avoiding a slow wasting death by starvation, you make your way towards some literal greener pastures.

1/5

>>30223849
You eventually settle on a secluded meadow on the outskirts of town. Tall trees line the perimeter of the meadow, a comforting barrier from any prying eyes that might be near. Though numerous hoofprints are scattered across the ground, the area seems empty enough. You look around one last time, before lowering your head to the ground and the luscious aroma of wild grass fills your nostrils. You get cold hooves for a brief moment, pausing to consider a range of other possible options (from borrowing bits to pilfering produce), but a fresh wave of stomach cramps sweep away any and all traces of hesitation.

No sense delaying this any further. You close your eyes and a tuft of grass enters your mouth. Most of the meadow is hidden away under the shade of willows, leaving your impromptu lunch cool and crisp with morning dew. You bite down and tear the grass away. It tastes overwhelmingly of nature; a tall glass of cool spring water would be absolutely perfect right about now. Before long, you're happily chomping away at the tasty turf below, your tail swishing back and forth contentedly. Contrary to what you were expecting, you actually find yourself savoring every blade of gra-

"-MAJESTO!" Behind you, a brilliant flash of light momentarily illuminates the meadow, accompanied by the frenzied shouts of an overly theatrical mare.

"Voila! Be amazed by the dazzling display of mystifying magic you have all just borne witness! With the help of Trixie's lovely guest assistant, you have all been magically teleported to this clearing!"

You turn around to find an entire stage and accompanying audience has appeared behind you. Fortunately, the applauding audience has their backs turned towards you. Unfortunately, (the onstage magician/Trixie) might spot you at any moment. If you can sneak away quietly, you just may be able to end the day with some dignity intact.

2/5

>>30223855
"Teleporting a single pony: a difficult feat in of itself. Teleporting an entire audience? Impossible, were we not the Great and Powerful Duo of Trixie and Starlight! You will find complimentary sick bags beneath your seats... hey, you there! Pony in the back! Where do you think you’re going? Do we bore you so much that you'd rather slink away than further endure our show?! Wait... oh."

'Oh' is a major understatement. You swallow whatever grassy mush is in your mouth with a pained gulp. The grass stains on your chin however aren't so easily concealed. The crowd is already quieting down and turning their collective gaze towards you. If their whispering is any indication, everypony obviously knows what you've been up to.

Various ponies voice their thoughts out loud:
"Is (he/she) grazing?"
"Eating grass off the ground, in this day and age?!"
"Do you think that pony is doing okay? (He/She) can't be, nopony would actually graze if they had a choice."
"Listen here hun, if you're hungry, you come straight to momma. You don't ever resort to what that poor pony's doing."
"Isn't that the pony that just blew into town?"
"Harumph, youngin's these days thinken' they're too good fer manners."
"I had no idea some ponies in Ponyville were so bad off. Maybe I should start a soup kitchen."

Blood rushes to your cheeks. Your vision blurs with fresh tears that tug at the corners of your eyes. Well, this could've gone a lot better. You've only just arrived, and already you're gonna be known as the pony that eats off the ground. On the bright side, at least you don't have to worry about starving to death anymore. Dying of shame is so much quicker.

You start backing up. Just as you are about to turn tail and gallop away as fast as your legs can carry you, a blue pegasus flies out of the crowd and gently lands next to you. It's Rainbow Dash. She gives you a reassuring smile.

3/5

>>30223857
"Heya [name], small world huh? Is that a new manecut? 'Cause it looks like a new manecut and it is stylin'~," she says nonchalantly. "Oh, dude! You're on that new grass roots diet too?! That's crazy! I heard it was good, but I didn't think it would catch on that fast! Speaking of, I am starving." Before everypony's eyes, Rainbow Dash sniffs at a clump of grass before eagerly devouring it in a highly exaggerated manner, doing her best to chew and swallow as loudly as possible. She finishes off with a rowdy burp, individual blades of grass still clinging to her lower lip.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Can't beat getting it straight from the source, am I right? Just feels more, I dunno, more natural that way. Not that I care all that much about where my chow comes from, I just heard this diet can really bring out the luster in pegasus feathers. A <i>Wonderbolt's</i> always gotta look her best after all," she says, ruffling her feathers.
Rainbow's rambling stops you in your tracks. And everypony else for that matter, if their newfound silence is anything to go by. Seems it's getting late enough that the crickets are starting to come out. Rainbow looks at you confidently, her head held high and proud.

After what feels like an eternity, the crowd finally breaks the silence with some fresh perspective:
"Rainbow's such a weirdo."
"Don't chew with your mouth open!"
"I'm tellin' yah, all that air rushin' through a head does a pony no good. Does things to the noggin."
"Me thinks Rainbow Dash has done one too many sonic rainbooms, if you guys catch my drift."
"That reminds me, I really should trim the lawn. Who did I lend my scythe to again?."
"Heh, Rainbow's a carpet muncher."

4/5

>>30223864
(The magician/Trixie) launches a firecracker that sails over the crowd and explodes overhead in a colorful display of sparks. Having commandeered the mob's attention, she exclaims, "Enough! I will not have Trixie's show turn into a roast. To the park we return!" With that, she stamps her hooves and the entire stage and audience disappears in a familiar burst of light, leaving you and Rainbow Dash alone.

"Well that didn't go exactly according to plan, but I'll take it." You turn to Rainbow and sheepishly thank her for committing social suicide on your behalf.

"Oh that? Don't mention it dude. Ponyville gossip doesn't leave Ponyville, and I bet everypony'll forget all about this by this time tomorrow, a few days tops. Tends to happen when this town gets attacked by a super villain every other month. How many has it been so far, four I think? I'm starting to lose count honestly."

You thank her again regardless. You try to salve your wounded pride by asking if you can somehow repay her.

"Repay me huh? Well now that you mention it, there is one thing I can think of. How 'bouts I join you for dinner? I phrased that like a question, but that wasn't really a question. I really am starving." She lets out a coy laugh.

"Now, where were we?" Rainbow Dash returns her head to the ground and starts nibbling at the grass below, a far cry from her earlier behavior. You smile for what feels like the first time today, ambling up to graze beside her. The two of you spend the rest of the day eating, talking, and enjoying each other's company. As the stars start to twinkle in the twilight sky, the grass somehow tastes all the sweeter.

5/5

This is all part of an overarching thing and the my main goal is endearing the reader to Rainbow in a way that doesn’t rely on sex. I don’t think I’m doing very well.

>>30223849
>I wrote a thing.
Did you have a specific target demographic in mind?
Do you have a special character you're particularly found of?
Just a bit curious about your angle.

>>30224809
found->fond
Oh, and I have 30 seconds to write nonsense, while witing for 60 sec timer to expire. Good! More errors incoming!

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Haven't visited these threads in a while.

How are you regulars doing lately?

>>30224818
>How are you regulars doing lately?
The regulars are rarely here on weekends.

>>30223886
Nice

>>30224809
I'm trying to capture the feel of the show as best I can, so I suppose you can say I'm writing for people that love the show and want more of it. I'm not focusing on any one character; the mane six all feature in my overall story one way or another.

>>30223849 to >>30223886

[1/3]
Style: You should probably specify the main character (from now on called MC) a bit more.
Male/female pony, unemployed? orphan? troublemaker? It looks like you try to keep it neutral, hoping the reader will fill in the blanks, but I doubt it will work for this type of story.
You should also consider using 3rd person omniscient narrative since it's probably easier for you as a writer.

It looks like you don't have a lot of experience in reading different sorts of literature. With different sorts, I don't mean Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Thriller - I mean celebrated writers your local librarian praise for hours, and when she goes to fetch one of them she starts by scraping off a thick layer of dust. Those will give you valuable experience and hours of "fun" if you decide to read and analyze them.

You should also use words, and not special effects (italics), in order to get your point across.
>There is always <i>that</i> option.
Becomes: There is always that horrible option. (Or whatever you had in mind.)

The sloppy style guide I subscribe to use parenthesis (instead of en dash --) for making an "out of band" remark, but I recommend you learn the proper way first, and reduce your usage of parenthesis to a minimum, or don't use them at all.
When you know how to do something properly, you can start breaking the rules.

>>30227201
[2/3]
The advantage with writing fan-fiction is that the entire world and the cast is already introduced to your audience.
You can build upon existing knowledge. The disadvantage is that your story must fit into the world, or you need to explain the differences right away.

From your stated goal, I would guess your vision is something like this: Rainbow Dash is a competitive pony who isn't afraid to tout her own horn and brag about her awesomeness. Even if boasting is considered a negative personality trait, it also means she has the confidence to go against the crowd and speak up when she feels something is wrong. Showing this trait is the purpose of the story.

Your story starts at lunchtime by describing a hungry pony. Considering our MC actually had breakfast, and hasn't been starving for days, it's impossible to feel sorry for it the MC and its fear of starving to death over a missed meal.

It also makes me wonder if they lack social welfare and food stamps? When does MC get more bits for food and from where?
Thoughts like that could be explained to the reader as it our main character remembers how other hungry ponies dealt with similar situations.

You say you want to capture the show, and I presume it includes the target audience (little girls) so you can't have the main pony starving to death in the gutter.
You probably don't want to build up a drama where other ponies throw rocks at the MC or performs other types of heavy abuse not in line with the show.

I guess that's why eating grass is considered a serious faux pas and will be hugely embarrassing. It gives us something to weave the story around.
Why it should be socially awkward to do such a thing is difficult for a reader like me to understand. No plausible explanation is given.

>>30227207
[3/3]
Our hero goes to graze as Trixie plus Starlight appears with an entire audience. This feels more like a slapstick comedy than a drama.
A more believable situation would be if some pony our MC has a crush on, came walking with the gang and saw MC doing something embarrassing. Of course, that would mean we must first spin a believable crush between those two in earlier sections.

The ending isn't really that special. RD appears and saves MC's face as she pulls all the attention to herself, explaining it's perfectly normal to do something socially embarrassing.

I guess that you as a writer have every emotion, and every revelation, clearly described inside your heart. You feel all of it and the happiness MC feels as it's saved by RD and you want to describe those emotions to us with your story.
I'm afraid that's impossible.

It would take an entire book just to get us to understand why MC is so hungry and why grazing is bad, and how extraordinary it is that someone would appear to help MC in such a situation.
Readers rarely have that much time to spend to learn something.

You need a faster way to get your point across. Instead of describing hundreds of bad days and how MC snaps during one of them, writers use shortcuts and describe one really bad day.
Make MC wake up cold and hungry under a tree. MC notices its sibling didn't wake up, and never will. MC moves on to have a shitty day.
We can all understand why MC is unhappy and no further explanation is needed.

As a writer you may have strong emotions about the stories that appear in your head, but be aware that you can never get all of those emotions across.
A good writer usually let it boil down to a few emotions and then uses a linguistic crowbar to bend them into the prose.

So keep reading, keep writing, and spend lots and lots of time editing.

Bumpsi

Time to head out.
Hope thread survives.