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>"Phew! Your pee-pee really stinks, Anon!"
>>29826921
Recap: You are Anon. Not the popular Anon you're thinking of, the other one. Lyra the unicorn has been pretty much stalking you for weeks now, harassing you about the smell of your "pee-pee". Of course your penis doesn't really smell THAT bad - or so you believe - but it's obvious enough that she's sexually interested in you for whatever reason. Frustrated, you finally had enough of her possessive bullshit and told her off. Not even an hour later you had another uncomfortable run in with her at the supermarket on your way to yoga class. Now at the school, your instructor, Johan the German Übermensch, is ushering you to his office to quickly show you something before class starts...
>"Ooh! Anon! Ooh! I cannot vait to show you mein huuuuuge package!"
Nigger what. You're okay with Johan being, er, as "excitable" as a seven foot tall chiseled manbeast in spandex can be, but you're not gay. And it's not gay that you're only taking his class so that you can become flexible enough to auto-fellate yourself, if anything it's just oral masturbation. No homo. You wince as Johan prances exuberantly into his office and does a pirouette behind his desk.
"So, uh, what was that about your... what now?"
>"Mein huuuuuge package!"
"Uhhh..."
The man's eyes narrow, twinkling like gems, his mouth forming a perfect "O" shape. He drops into a horse stance, squealing like a newborn piglet. There exists no potential alternate universe in which you are not on the edge of soiling yourself in fear right now. With a large sweeping motion Johan cups his hands below his desk at crotch height and rockets them skyward, displaying a large parcel in the manner befitting a Hylian hero. His chest hair glistens in the florescent lighting. You manually resume breathing.
>"Mein package! Is it not huuuuuge?"
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>>29852615
Tell him if he knows of any way how to get rid of obsessive girls.
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>>29852615
You swallow hard. German testosterone must be a radiation of sorts. Wiping your brow you slowly walk up to the desk. Johan cocks his head as if to urge you to answer his question. You, however, have one of your own.
"Can I ask you something, Johan?"
>"Ov course, mein freund!"
"How would you keep an obsessive girl away from you?"
Johan raises an eyebrow in disbelief and drops the package on the table with a dull thud. He places both hands on the table and leans into and over it so that his face is uncomfortably close to yours.
>"Anon. Mein freund. Am I understandings correct in zat you are... uninterested in ze female bodies?"
The bulge in his spandex squishes against the table and twitches slightly. You curse yourself for having lowered your eyes and look back into his astonished visage.
"Whoa, whoa, that's not- ugh. No. See, there's this... girl... who's interested in me but she, uh... she's bein' kinda creepy about it."
Johan stands fully erect - in multiple senses - and puffs out his chest while he thrusts a palm towards your face.
>"Stop vat you are speaking, Anon, and speak no more! I, too, have had ze dealings with awkvard females."
"Oh yeah?! No disrespect or anything but I gotta say I find that REALLY hard to believe."
>"Ja. Es true. Mein liebes schwesterchen could not resist zis rock solid sculpture. She vould rub up against it day and night. Finally, I drew ze line and told her that if she wanted it so badly she must prove to me vat it vas worth to her. She rode all night until she vas worn out to me. I could barely keep from exploding zat whole time, I vas trrrembling all over! Ha-HA! But, in ze end, I made her pay and she took vat she wanted and she left on ze very next train. I have not seen her in many year since."
Johan stares forlornly at the box, lost in thought. You have no idea what the fuck he just confided in you and you're not sure you want to find out. Germans, man. What the fuck.
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>>29852615
spam and garbage outside of /b/, you fucking faggot
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>>29853377
Ask him what's in the box.
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>>29853383
GR15
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>>29852615
>befitting a Hylian hero
Holy shit my sides.
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>>29853377
Thanks for the advice.
What is in the package. It is indeed rather large.
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>>29853377
>schwesterchen
Gross, even for your shitty threads.
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>>29854574
>implying that his story wasn't lost in translation
>implying he didn't just literally sell her a stone sculpture
>implying that he didn't make her take an exhausting cross-country drive out to his house to pick it up in person if she wanted it so badly
>implying that he wasn't nervous about her long trip and sad to see her go
>implying you understand Germans
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>>29852615
I'm actually enjoying this, and this is my first cyoa that I've read.
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>>29853377
"So, uh, thanks for the story there, big guy. It answered a lot of... things. What's in th-"
>"ZE BOX! YUS!"
Johan's face brightens and he smiles widely, ripping the top completely off the package. A bundle of leather and fabric loops blast out of the box and scatter and drape all across his desk. He giggles giddily as he runs his hands through the pile, bundling them up and letting them hang from his fingers.
>"I am ze Belt King!"
"Belt King?"
>"Ja, mein freund! See? See?!"
You see all right. There's got to be several dozen belts here of all colors and patterns. Johan then proudly gives you a particularly long-winded explanation of how he's going to become "the Belt King" by marketing these new-age-medicine super magnetic belts to people to help stimulate their chakras or something. You just nod your head politely and say a strained "wow" for enthusiastic encouragement, but you know this is all bullshit and people aren't dumb enough to buy things like these. Right?
>"Ooh! And Anon! I have zis one for you, mein freund!"
"Ah, that's totally not nec-"
>"Oooooh nooooo, mein freund."
Johan leans across the table, an inch from your face, his penis squishing up against it and throbbing again. If he wasn't your friend you would assume this was a threat.
>"I insist you wear it."
"O-o-okay, man. Thanks..."
You're very ascared but at least you have a swag new shimmering belt. Johan straps it on your waist and says he'll meet you in class in a moment. Guess you're his new living advertisement then, huh.
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Phew
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>>29855473
Yeah, I totally understand Germans less than the guy who's tossing Freund (with a possessive pronoun no less) around and not capitalizing nouns.
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