Writefags' Guild

>>29624187
Tips and links:

Writefags' Guild Discord Chat: https://discord.gg/XNM2tVS

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

Good God, don't die this time

>>29624189
Here’s some more stuff that didn’t fit in the second post.

A couple writing podcasts:
http://www.writingexcuses.com/
http://typehammer.com/podcast/

An archive of how to write pretty much anything:
https://curiosityquills.com/limyaael/

An idea generator:
http://writers-den.pantomimepony.co.uk/writers-first-lines.php

A worldbuilding forum:
http://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/

>>29624197
I figured I'd copy over this since there have been three or four people asking about it the last few threads. Though for the most part if people bother to come here they get the basic greentext correct.

>How does one into greentext?
Greentext is always second person, and almost always present tense. Every line except for the viewpoint character speaking is green. You don't have to restrict yourself to one sentence per line.

>Why does one into greentext?
To my knowledge, greentext stories were born from quest/CYOA threads. Since the audience was essentially roleplaying as the one making these choices, they were almost always written is second person (just like CYOA books).

Quotation arrows are one of the only forms of markup available on 4chan, so they were used liberally, which eventually settled into this pattern for stories.

If you want to write more typical prose, I've never seen anybody REEE'd at for it yet.


Since I'm at the top anyways, I'll repeat a warning that I've seen a lot of people saying Vhatug's tips for squash are inaccurate. Do some independent research if you give a shit.

Are you still around, succubus anon? I'm about a third of the way through your story, and going strong, just so you know.

What did I tell you about not dying?

Hey it's back. Neat.

>little guy copied my blurb about how and why greentext, but not a previous thread link.
I guess it's not the same as a general with stories to catch up on.
Is that your reasoning?

>>29624193
>>29624837
We only had 6 IPs over the weekend. I bumped literally as I got into bed, and it was archived when I woke up. I know it's not a thriving thread (I've heard many people say that if they wanted to "really" write something, it wouldn't be greentext in the first place), but still, crazy.

Anyways, hooray feedback.

>>29625156
thread.
Hooray feedback thread.

I can correct myself and also bump the thread.

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Hello. Would you guys be interested in criticizing my Crystal Prep green? I just need to know how I did and how I can improve my writing skills

>>29625866
Go for it

>>29624189
>Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
This link isn't working for me.
Could someone upload that book elsewhere?

>>29625866

I'll post my introduction chapter

>The gust ofair seems to be colder than usual this year
>That, or it's just the temperature of everyone around you
>You are Anon
>The loner of Crystal Prep
>The most rotten, introverted, friendless kid in the entire school with a distorted view in life
>And a colorless human being who is socially disabled
>And right now you are eating lunch in the cafeteria where Sloppy Joe's are being spawned constantly every Monday afternoon
>You wish that they change the food sometimes
>"Hey girls, you ever wonder why Anon is always alone?"
>Usually, you would have your headphones plugged in on your ears while you enjoy your prison-tier food, but today you forgot to bring it
>So you can't help but pay attention to the person who said that
>Your name was mentioned after all
>"Yeah, why is he like that?"
>Why is he like that?
>You now regret not bringing your headphones as you scoff at the words uttered by some person
>Quickly finishing your food, you stood up and threw the trash to the nearest bin and made your way towards the door, exiting the cafeteria and onto the hallway in an attempt to not hear another word
>You can't help but feel irritated

>Crystal Prep
>A rich school full of snobs and stuck up bitches
>Where everyone forms packs within themselves like how animals instinctively form a pack in the wild in order to survive the bittersweet mother nature
>Naturally, some carnivores form a hierarchy in the food chain and within their packs
>Those that fail to become alphas harbor the burden of failure until they die. Alone.
>And you're sure herbivores would sacrifice their comrades to evade their predators and live on
>In your world, forming packs yields no benefit for an individual
>Thus, you choose to live like a solitary animal
>And live throughout the high school years as like a solitary individual
>Speaking from experiences
>Experiences that turned your core into a rotten interior
>"Anon?"

>>29627127

>You turn your head to the voice that's quite familiar to you
>"Anon? What are you doing walking around in the hallway?"
"Oh, hi Ms. Cadence."
>Dean Cadance, your attractive, racklicious school counsellor that, for reasons, keeps a close tab on you
>"What are you doing walking around? Aren't you supposed to be in class right now?"
"...It's my lunch right now."
>"You seem to always have a lot of time in your hands, I don't know why you haven't joined a club yet."
>For a counselor that keeps a close eye on you, she can't seem to get a clue
"Clubs isn't really my thing since it involves a group."
>"What's wrong with having a group to have fun with?"
>'Seriously, get a clue already.'
>'Ah, she's probably just joking, is she?' You thought.
>Right now, she closely reminded you of someone you know back in middle school
>Though you don't talk much with that person and try to avoid that ball of energy as much as possible
"Anyways Ms. Cadance, what are you doing right now?"
>"Huh? Oh, well I'm off to go get books and papers from the library for the Crystal Fall Dance next month. And I'm also moving my belongings to another office."
>You look down on her arms and see she's carrying a few stacks of what would look like documents
>How you failed to notice that is beyond you
>You look up to her face and see that she's smiling
>"Care to help me?"
>You sigh in response but you opened your mouth after
"If I get service hours then yes."
>She hands you the documents she's been carrying and gives you a light pat on the shoulder
>"Of course you will, c'mon let's go."

>This has been your first workout this year
>The weight of the stacks of books has been killing your scrawny arms as you make your way to the office
>Before you enter, you notice that there's small stains on the door handle right next to the lock in two different kinds of color, one is green-ish of color and one is that of a color of a blood
>And a couple of not too visible scratches

>>29627144

>The door creaks slightly as you pushed it open
"Here's the books Cadance." You say as you place it on the table
>"Oh thanks Anon, I guess that's pretty much it. Thank you for your help." She says as she exits out the storage room. "I'll register the service hours in my laptop so you're free to go."
"Right."
>You walked out of the room and closed the door behind you
>The bell is about to ring so you make your way to your next class

>"Jesus that actually hurts."
>"Yeah just be careful next time will you? God you're so clumsy sometimes."
>"Shut up, I don't wanna hear it."
>Background noises are your only form of entertainment when the teacher tells you to put away your headphones, or when you forget to bring it
>Well, you can always surf archives on your phone but you wouldn't wanna risk it being taken
>Especially in Ms. Harshwinny's class
>Speaking of Harshwinny, you see her walk in right now, unabruptly
>Everyone didn't notice her walk in until she stands in front of the class, clears her throat, and yelled at the students to get their attention
>"Class!"
>Everyone turned their heads at her with beads of sweat appearing on their foreheads
>Some quickly made their way to their assigned seats before they get called out in front of everyone
>Sheesh, what a force to be reckoned with
>Good thing she least pays attention to you
>And so does everyone else
>As a person sits to a desk right next to you, you can smell something funny on him
>Paint?
>Once again, the woman clears her throat
>"Everyone, as you may or may not know, the Crystal Prep school dance is just around the corner. And by around the corner, I mean this upcoming month. In the meantime, until that very day, you will be studying for the biggest test you've ever taken in your entire life in my class. So be prepared. Until then, study."
>Everyone started whining, like a generic teenager going: "Whaat?" Or "No way." Or "C'mon now, that's unfair." And all that stuff

>>29627152
I'll probably just post three.

Here's a pastebin for the green
http://pastebin.com/MhjJQSr5

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>>29627174
I am reading. Thoughts tonight or possibly tomorrow.

>>29625156
It was. I can link it next time if people want me to.

>>29629233
cool

>>29629233
It's my preference; it makes the previous thread easier to find, and there may have been people asking for feedback, or feedback given that people want to read or respond to.

>>29629290
Okay. If I set up the next thread, I'll do that.

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>>29624220

Still here little guy - although my internet's been on the jive recently.

Glad you've soldiered on! Hope the story is at least engaging. Many thanks for looking at it!

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>>29631709

How to git gud as a writefag?

>>29632537
Do a bunch of writing, and a bit of fagging.

>>29632537
Read a lot. Read varied stuff. Read in styles and genres you wouldn't normally. Try to make sure a bunch is quality. Pay a little extra attention to what you like and don't like.

Enhance your vocabulary. One great word is more than twice as good as two merely good words. But also make sure you don't throw in five dollar words just because you can. That gets ugly. I just used an SAT vocabulary builder book, but there are free apps now that use games and quizzes to help you retain the words, so that's probably better.

I think it's nearly universal among proficient writers to write in a fully separate "write-revise" cycle:

Write with a drunken attitude (actual inebriation not required). Just allow yourself to let lexical diarrhea flow from your finger tips. Stop yourself, with force if you have to, from ever deleting anything. If you come up with a better idea, just write that one right after. If you get to a stumbling block, write a note to yourself and just move ahead. Something like: "[insert a scene where they start to fight but then finally decide to trust one another]"

Once you have shit words down, that frees up your brain to really focus on making them good words when you go back, line by line, and rewrite them. Especially when you first start using this method, this will take a long time. If you really want the best stuff, you might end up completely rewriting every single word from the first draft.

One general tip:
A revised sentence will almost always be a shorter sentence. Adding words rarely improves prose; the best sentence is one where every single word is important, but any more would be redundant.

Cute trick: read your writing to yourself, out loud, in a clear natural voice. No whispering or murmuring. For most people, when they actually hear it, they get a much clearer idea of whether a sentence or paragraph flows naturally or is clunky or confusing.

>>29633286
A lot of people, when they edit, focus on grammar and spelling, because they're objective, it makes it very easy to spot and correct. Compare, "They're asking about the subject, so it should be who, not whom." to "This sentence is kind of bleh. You should improve it somehow."

But unless your errors are extremely persistent, they won't turn most people off your writing. Obviously, you still want to be correct in the final edition. If you're having trouble catching your spelling and grammar mistakes, read your work backwards, sentence by sentence. This removes the sentence from its context, so you're thinking about the words themselves, not distracted by the story they're telling.

>>29630864
Right on. I'll update you again on Friday, after work.

>>29627174
I've seen some of the stuff at the Alone in Equestria (girls-verse) thread. Nice idea doing a Crystal Prep one.

I feel like you've got a decent foundation for interesting story. I like Anon trying to be an uninterested outside party to some kind of teenage love shenanigans, and, I imagine, accidentally being drawn in.
I hope you include some of the main 5 shadow bolts.

But you could stand to benefit from much of the advice here: >>29633286 >>29633329

Your prose is just a bit hard to get through.
The stand out issue is that there's too much dead weight. Far too many words and sentences that don't contribute enough. You need to go through this with a heavy duty pruning shears attitude.
Sometimes the same information is repeated in a sentence with different words, and sometimes you explain things that you should leave the reader to infer, and sometimes it's just unnecessary specificity.
(It's kind of funny though, normally this problem comes from too many adjectives and adverbs.)
Repetition isn't always bad. It can be very useful to reinforce ideas. But it's mostly not used in a powerful way here.

There's some awkward sentence construction. A lot of it is in subtly incorrect grammar. It's a common issue, and authors mostly work through it with practice; in fact after the beginning, even this one piece gets easier to read. But you can also try the reading aloud to yourself trick.

When I review like this, I like to go through examples of different ways you could revise parts of your story.
Try not to get caught up too much in details (it's really hard not to try and say how I'd revise every little thing, when what's really needed is mostly just more practice). Obviously specifics are a matter of taste, but there are some things that are universally hard to read. So think of it as food for thought, things that need to be changed, with some potential examples of how you might enact those changes.

Let's just brutalize the intro:

>>29636204
>>The gust of air seems to be colder than usual this year
"The gust of air"; grammatically this refers to a specific gust. You probably want to be more general, for instance, using "winds", "air", or "weather".
It's weird for a person to talk about the _usual_ temperature of an entire year. Maybe if they're very old. To keep usual, you'd want to reference a time, either "usual for this time of year" or mentioning a season somewhere in there. Examples:
>The autumn wind is colder than usual this year.
>The weather's colder than usual for this time of year.
Especially given the next line though, you might want to reference previous years specifically, so that it links more to Anon's changing life:
>It's colder than it was last year.
>Every year seems colder than the last.

>>That, or it's just the temperature of everyone around you
I really like this metaphor, by the way. Solid choice.
You definitely want to drop "the temperature" though. I get the attempt to make a comparison: "The gusts" to "the temperature", but if you need a specific thing to compare, "attitudes" would work better, otherwise it muddies the metaphor, and we already know we're talking about temperatures, you just said "cold". And really, it'd be better just just skip it and say the people are colder.
I also don't like the use of "everyone" here; "people" or "peers" reads better. You could even absorb the line after the next, and say "students of Crystal Prep".
>Or maybe it's just the company, the student body of Crystal Prep Academy.

>>29636214
>>The loner of Crystal Prep
>>The most rotten, introverted, friendless kid in the entire school with a distorted view in life
>>And a colorless human being who is socially disabled
Holy overkill Batman. You do a lot to establish him as a social outcast over the next few lines. Just informing the reader of an attribute doesn't have much impact; even adding something like "They call you—" or "Everybody (who bothers to think of you, that is) knows you as—". You should set him up as aware of it, but this is too much telling. Condensing the negative descriptions into one line would help too.
Keep in mind, also, that Crystal Prep is established as a not particularly friendly school.
There's another bit of the grammar cludging too. The "—with a distorted view in life," is just dangling off the end (it should also probably be "on life"). Even though I properly understand from context, this sentence trips up your readers' brains for a second by making them imagine an "entire school with a distorted view on life."
>You are Anon.
>Known to the school (to those who bother to think of you in the first place), as rotten, friendless, colorless and all-around socially disabled.

>>And right now you are eating lunch in the cafeteria where Sloppy Joe's are being spawned constantly every Monday afternoon
>>You wish that they change the food sometimes
"Constantly" is a poor word choice here. It either applies generally, in which case it conflicts with "every Monday afternoon", or it's specific to now, which seems like they're overproducing. Are they in danger of overflowing the kitchen and spilling out?
Especially since I think your meaning is mostly that they always serve sloppy joes for lunch on Monday.

>>29636222
(Hey, trips to bless your review)
Personally though, just cut off everything after cafeteria. Put "Sloppy joes" on its own on the next line, and then Anon's narration tells us that the menu is fairly constant. (Admittedly, this does run the risk of making your reader think the cafeteria only ever makes sloppy joes for lunch, instead of just always on Monday, but that's such a low key detail I don't think it's important. But if you have to, you could say "Just like every Monday," in there. Or get more poetic with, "Just like last Monday, and the Monday before that, and the...")
>And right now you are eating lunch in the cafeteria
>Sloppy joes, just like last Monday, and the Monday before that, and...
>You wish they'd change the food sometimes

>>Usually, you would have your headphones plugged in on your ears while you enjoy your prison-tier food, but today you forgot to bring it
This one mostly isn't bad, but you could cut out a few words, and correct that "it".
>Usually, you would have your headphones in while you enjoy your prison-tier food, but today you forgot to bring them

Another minor note, Crystal Prep is supposed to be for rich kids. Why's the food so bad? Maybe mention that this is only the standard lunch plan food, and rich kids pay for better stuff.

>>So you can't help but pay attention to the person who said that
>>Your name was mentioned after all
Some extra words, but in addition, putting this into two sentences makes the rhythm weird. The second line being on its own makes it seem like a slightly late excuse. Maybe I'm missing something and you're trying to subtly imply he's a creepy level of nosy.
>So you couldn't help but pick up on a sentence with your name.

>>29636225
I think it's important that you have this section here, where Anon grumbles to himself about the shittiness of the students of Crystal Prep, and justifies his loner status to himself. But I think it needs more revision than a lot of other passages. You could especially do with emphasizing the cut-throat nature of Crystal Prep, how hard they'll push others down to get ahead of others.

>>Speaking from experiences
This comes right after lines where he talks about a choice. "Speaking from experience" only really follows from somebody giving advice. Instead you probably want something like "You knew this was the best course of action from your experiences."

>>Experiences that turned your core into a rotten interior
Way too emo a line to allow this vagueness. And interior is super redundant after "core".

>>Right now, she closely reminded you of someone you know back in middle school
'closely' is a bad match for 'reminded', and the tense is wrong.
>She was starting to remind you of someone you knew in middle school.

>>Though you don't talk much with that person and try to avoid that ball of energy as much as possible
This sounds so repetitive mostly because you use a descriptive phrase twice in one sentence. Plus, the two parts are very similar in content. I'd mostly recommend cutting it down viciously. We already know he's avoiding that person. How much he talks to them would only be relevant if he were failing at that. In fact you could also combine with the previous sentence:
>She was starting to remind you of someone you knew in middle school, a ball of energy you tried to avoid as much as possible now.

>>29636228
>>Before you enter, you notice that there's small stains on the door handle right next to the lock in two different kinds of color, one is green-ish of color and one is that of a color of a blood
>>And a couple of not too visible scratches
More of the slightly strange line dividing. I think I get the intent, he notices the scratches second, but I still think they'd make a lot more sense as part of one line. "Before you enter" is redundant on its own—how's he going to notice something on the door afterwards? But it's not a bad idea to position the perception in time. You could say "As you enter," or "As you're about to enter".
But anyways, you've piled a lot of words in these sentences: "one is that of a color of a" when you could just say, "That one looks like blood."
>As you push the unlocked door open with your foot, you notice fresh, wet stains around the lock; off-green and, is that blood? Now that you're looking, there are light scratches on the door plate too.

>>when the teacher tells you to put away your headphones, or when you forget to bring it
>without headphones.

The dialogue here would also connect more cleanly to the "mystery" if you mentioned that it's a man and a woman's voices.

>>unabruptly
Unless there's a reason to expect abruptness, why say unabruptly?

>>You know that it's important because it's probably your dad or 'pseudonym guy' again
>>Because you don't get pointless texts quite often
Were you in the middle of editing and forgot to cut and paste things around?
>It's probably important, since you don't get pointless texts often
>it's probably your dad or 'pseudonym guy' again

I skimmed over some of these on first reading, but some of these lines don't make much sense.
Even if you don't want to commit fully to doing a full second draft of every greentext you ever write, you should try it for a while, at least, to learn to spot some of these stranger sentences.

>>29636235

>>You take yourself to the hallway again to attend a much more challenging class, physics
>You head to your next class, physics.

>>As the name says, it's not actually what half of the people in this school think it is
Do you speak another language where there's some opportunity to confuse "physics" with something else? Physical Education? Psychics?

This also reminds me. It's not a major issue in this particular story, which is very introspective anyways, but a lot of new authors have difficulty inserting detail appropriately. And you could use some more descriptions. We know that's Upper Crust he bumps into here, and thus how she looks, but it really helps bring a scene to life if you describe a little of the physical situation. Try just a brief bit about Jet Set's clothes, skin, and hair when Anon looks at him in class, and of Upper Crust when he bumps into her. We don't even know if this is a fully humanized setting or if she's actually bright yellow with lavander and white hair?

>>You remember saying highshool romance after leaving the parking lot
The readers also remember, no reason to repeat it.
>>And you do know the reason why the person named Jet Set did it
I'd just strip this sentence out too. That's the subject of the current thought already.

>>You recall that he's always with someone in the morning and during your world studies period where he spends most of his time talking to some chick next to the front door
>>And sharing an intimate spit-swap after bell
This really makes the line before it feel really pointless. If he's seen them making out more than once or twice, the fact that they're together all the time adds very little to his (and the reader's) certainty that they're together.

Only answering his dad with a condescending smile seems like it should provoke at least a huff of annoyance or something.

>>29636239
>>There's reasons why you did not help or assist Cadance
>>You may say that you were lazy
>>Or pretending that you don't know
>>But the reason is it's not in any of your business
>>Or to be precisely clear, you don't want any part of it
More excess. And also some grammar errors. If you really have to keep the repitition, I think it'd be a lot cleaner in one line, with less filler:
>There are reasons why you didn't tell Cadance. You might have said you were lazy. You might've pretended you didn't know. But the truth is it's not any of your business, and that meant you didn't want any part in it.

But it'd be even better rewritten in just one statement if you could, maybe referencing the fact that he's specifically choosing to isolate himself.

I really wanted to point out the bit right after this. Since it's a case where I think you used repetition well, with lines that build on each other. (It did make me sad, I thought we were gonna get a Groundhog's Day scenario, or other time travel scenario, and we didn't.)
One suggestion:
>>The answer, would be no.
to:
>No

>>I have more to tell but it's behind back.
Is this supposed to mean "on the back of the note"?

Well, I went a little overboard, so I think that's more than enough for now. If this is your first attempt, it's better than many I see.
Just edit a bit harder. Catch those sentences that are hard to understand. Correct the off grammar. Streamline your passages and sentences.
A solid round of revision would make this a pleasant read.

Odd rescue hour

>>29636244

Wow, thanks man. Seriously.

I've never seen my mistakes and errors that way though at the back of my head I get this feeling that it doesn't seem to sit right on me, no matter how well thought it was. I'm glad somebody pointed it out.

Also, thanks for your efforts.

Some writers sit and think and think
While others let pen fly
Some others drown in tipsy drink
Or puff herbs on the sly

But writers do what writers will
Their arts can't be contained.
Their eyes must see their blank page fill
Such drive can't be explained.

A story festers in the heart
The mind must set it free.
So put your ink to paper now
Starting is the key.

Poetry bump.

Uncreative bump.

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Spooksty Boomp

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Secret TF2 Pyro Face Reveal Bump

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>>29640065
>futa
I cannot escape the degeneracy anywhere.

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>>29640153

No, no you can't.

>Bump.

Consecutive normal bumps

This is the worst thing I could write in 15 minutes. Enjoy.

http://pastebin.com/7xukmd6f

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>>29606001
(Man, I had trouble finding this number. Desuarchive's having problems with their database or something.)

I don't know if it's just Glimmer, but I feel like she uses more horsey mannerisms than a lot of ponies now. I suppose I could have just noticed it on Glimmer because she's a new character, and it's more general.


The Crystalling
Glimglam, telling us the Castle is big enough to get lost in easily.
I noticed this before, but the doors often seem too close together for the rooms behind them. Which is interesting given this line:
"This castle looked a lot smaller from the outside"
We may literally have a Tardis situation.
Even the bathroom is behind the same tall double wide doors. Spike doesn't seem to have a problem being caught brushing his teeth and wrapped in a towel, but Glimmer is embarrassed.
Starlight is staying in the castle as Twilight's pupil.
She's a bit intimidated by learning about friendship.
Glimmer and CMC's cutie marks added to intro.
The room with the cutie map is called the throne room.
"The Crystalling" cute pun (probably?) on "christening", I wish they'd reinforced that by naming her during the ceremony.
The baby is due any day. Unfortunately, pony "biology" is so divergent I don't even want to guess how long their canon pregnancies might be, but it's natural to assume it's been at least a few months since the events of The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows. (Did I mention at that time I really wish they'd honor their title puns more? Not a single Friends reference.)
The pictures on Spike's urn show Cadance, Shining Armor, and the Mane Six, and predicts the appearance of Flurry Heart. Representational cuteness, or more implications that Equestria's future is ordained? (Probably the former, since it shows Twilight as Crystaller.)
"Whenever a baby is born in the Crystal Empire," I wonder if this is only the case for citizens, and if it's done for babies born abroad? And visitors that give birth in that town?

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>>29641629
Sunburst has moved to the Crystal Empire.
"Making friends with a griffin is a challenge all by itself."
Twilight uses the "CMCs" abbreviation.
Sunburst, full on panic attack trigger for Glimmer.
Definite demonstration (though we knew it already) that even though there are no words or gestures, unicorn magic is an intellectual effort.
It's neat how well they foreshadow things with this flashback. It's always Sunburst with the right knowledge, but Glimmer, even before her cutie marking, surprises him by taking things to 11 as soon as he shows her how. As implied by other episodes, this one makes it fairly clear there's a raw strength/talent component to magic that is separate from intellectual understanding of the spells.
(Also notable, the spell that gave him his cutie mark sorted books.)
Sunburst went directly to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.
I like this Spike, very mature in advising Glimmer.
They don't use the word "wizard" often in this show.
"Crystal Heart is an ancient and powerful relic." Unfortunately, this doesn't help place its age very well. It could've been made the year before Sombra took power and still count as ancient.
Explicit confirmation that the crystal heart is what keeps the Crystal Empire habitable.
Glimglam still a bit manipulative.
The crystal ponies are looking opaque this episode. This actually finally clarifies that the crystal body effect is temporary for crystal ponies too (and not just stopped by being conquered by an evil king). But we've seen crystallized crystal ponies with standard fleshy Cadance and Shining Armor. Perhaps Crystal Ponies maintain the effect for longer. It seems likely it's genetic, they do have a distinctive look even when opaque, such as their hexagonal eye highlight. But it could also be because they've eaten crystal food since birth, or been crystallized as children, or it's about the number of times you've been exposed to it.
All the princesses are here.

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>>29641656
Weird looking one foal, a natural born alicorn, with huge-ass wings.
"I thought alicorn wings had to be earned—" It seems the show runners have come to a decision, alicorns are made, not born (by introducing the exception that proves the rule, of course). Also of note: Rarity's phrasing makes it sound like only unicorns can become alicorns, though that could just be inexactness born of the single example Rarity has experienced (her friend earned wings to become an alicorn).
"Something Equestria has never seen". Journal of the Two Sisters canonicity: diminished. Now, this could be word games: this does leave some room for the idea that alicorns could've been a true-breeding race before the formation of Equestria. Celestia and Luna are probably that old, after all. But Luna says, "This is beyond even our understanding," which certainly implies it's not just been a long time. I think the most natural assumption, which I'll hold until further clarification, is that Luna and Celestia both ascended to alicornhood.
(This also almost certainly means Cadance ascended too.)
Further support (if mild) for that interpretation is that the foal's holy-shit tier magic is a surprise to them.
I like this episode's writer: Spike is still mature, he realized Starlight was just stalling and was playing along to give her some time. But he's still not like, mature and independent, he trusts completely in Twilight's list.
Sunburst's building wears a hat.
This is cute. Spike has clearly picked up Twilight's catastrophizing skills, even if it's not as emotional to him.
More Crystal Pony looking guards. Perhaps the more typical looking ones from earlier seasons were a stop-gap support, there to train up replacements from the populace. (I doubt they had that kind of intention, but it's a cute idea.)
The foal is capable of flying while carrying a pony.

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>>29641660
It's a little amusing that to Sunburst, this is just, "That old friend I hung out with all the time but that never bothered to keep in touch when I went to school."
Since it's clearly not Wizarding, what is Sunburst's job? Research? Cataloging?
Flurry breaks the crystal by crying.

They address the fact that the heart was hidden, not broken, during Sombra's thing. Gotta spell things out for the target audience I guess.
The storm clouds are Everfree-like, having their own will.
Oh, I almost missed that. There's a solar system model. The sun's much bigger than the planets. Only one planet has a visible moon, neither look much like Equestria or its moon. Only one planet, without its moon, does. I'll be honest, it's so hard to square away anything like normal planetary dynamics with the demonstrated behavior of the sun and moon I'm not going to say a thing more.
Good demonstration of his library catalog of a brain.
Spells remind me of D&D: Mist Mane's Material Amity, Rockhoof's Rapport, Flash Prance's Fellowship.
Celestia and Luna laser away the clouds.
Flurry: instinctive teleport. Did Pumpkin Cake do that?
Spike still good.
More nice background details, such as this mare's disgust at her water pail freezing.
Guy with a safety pin cutie mark, and a vest covered in pins. Cute. Has a Twilight pin.
Hey it's Micro Chips. He's got the hexagonal highlight, so he's a crystal native.
How does this mare look so old but sound so young? Why is her cutie mark a donkey? Is her special talent ugliness?
In possibly the most adorable moment so far in the show, Fluttershy pats rainbows head to console her.
Sunburst is obviously really impressed by Glimmer studying under the Princess of Friendship.
Straight from the pony's mouth: Sunburst, all knowledge, no power.
Sunburst, concentrating on the important things: "Did you really travel through time?"

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>>29641667
Rainbow grounded by her with iced up wings in seconds, while Celestia and Luna are still flying (but then, they don't have to touch the clouds to get rid of them).
This also confirms that pegasi can still buck "free" clouds (I suppose the issue is just that they'll form and move on their own, unlike in the fully domesticated skies over their settlements).
The Crystal Heart confirmed for being around for millennia.
Velvet Sparkle says "grandmare". That should really be granddam.
Is the crystal road literally made as a channel for the magic?
Something flying towards the spire at the very end. Can't tell what. Wonder if it's something important.


What a ride.
Done for today. See you again soon.

>>29641440
>Enjoy.
>http://pastebin.com/7xukmd6f

Well, since it's you HJ, and you asked nicely.
It was the most difficult fap I've ever had, but I'm proud to say I conquered eventually.

bumb

>>29643069

>>29643727

>>29644465
>This is not/
>The greatest bump in the wor-hr-hrld/
>This is just a tribute

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Sweet Hoes bump

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>>29630864
I'm twenty five-hundred lines in right now. There's plenty for me to talk about in my critique, but one thing I'm finding I really like about it is that it has a sense of forward motion, and you're making your characters do interesting things.

And with that, I'm out for the weekend.

>>29646718
Don't have too much fun

>>29647623
Hey now, if he doesn't have "too much fun", is he really reading that fic the way it's meant to be read?

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I'm a bit new to /mlp/. Anyone have a listing of clopfics that focus on ass to face/ facesitting? Farting is ok too but I just can't find anything new anymore. Help me out?

>>29648443
You'd have more luck asking that in the fimfiction thread.

>>29648443
I'm not aware of anyone that maintains a list of /mlp/ greentext by fetish, unless there's a thread dedicated to it. Face-sitting and ass-eating are, ironically, probably too common to have their own lists.

My recommendation would be to make a new thread asking the entire board. Or yeah, look to fimfiction.

A little bumpy

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>>29646718

That's good to hear! I was hoping to at least keep the narrative a...well a narrative, with rising action, climax, etc. Although I think you may be entering one of the weaker parts of the tale, and I apologise for future disappointment.

Anyway, many thanks for still reading it!

how to make notepad++ greentext actually green? I have tried this http://pastebin.com/r6dTpd3j, but failed to get green color.

>>29653569
I'm assuming you did every step properly and have the language file properly imported.
In the Language>Define your language menu select the "Greentext (Def)" user language and save it as "Greentext". This should make it appear on the bottom of the "Language" drop menu and there you can just click on it. I don't really know why this works, but it worked for me a minute ago.

>>29653613
yeah, I've found it. I must have forgotten to actually click import, but now greens are green :)

I've been having trouble with pony names. How do you name your characters? Is there some trick or something I'm missing?

>>29654104
Use a name related to their special talent, or just go to one of those random pony name generators

Daylight savings bump
CAPTCHA: tart horsey

>>29656317

>>29656895

>>29657472

You guys know that thing airplanes can do where they fly straight up until their engines stall, then they flip over and enter a dive? Is there a word for that?

>>29659982

A tumble, I think.

Save rave

>>29659982
I'm not aware of any term for that, just "intentional stall". Which is sometimes taken into an intentional spin. Or in a supermaneuverable jet, there's the similar cobra maneuver.

Then again, I don't know much about flying planes in general or aerobatics specifically.
There was a guy with a small plane license in RGRE the other day.

How do i make dialogue feel natural? It's first conversation and both sides are trying to get as much information while not letting each other to know very much

>>29661492
Think about how a person would frame their question or phrase. Certain angles only allow for a certain range responses. Also consider how we lie through omission. Giving out just enough information to let other people fill in the gaps

>>29661492
I feel like natural sounding dialogue is one of those things that only practice can bring.

There's no rapid, sure-fire shortcut. The best trick for right now is one of my favorites I've mentioned a few times: read the lines out loud. For dialogue, even try to do the voices.

Sometimes I try to remember a similar scene in a movie and do my best to capture those characters' mannerisms and lines.

>>29659993
>>29661365
Coolio, thanks.

>>29651646
No problem. I'm fifty off the three-thousand mark right now. I'll update you again on Wednesday.

>>29661492
I literally just ask myself if someone would actually talk like this. That's all I seem to need.

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>>29624187
>I suggest a badass name, like Bloodguts Firesack

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>>29665045
I feel kind of bad that all the times I made the thread I missed that joke and used the same one several times.

"There should be no ambiguity about how cool an OC is. I suggest a badass name, like Bloodguts Firesack"
"be sure, when talking about the mane six, to list each one individually, and with her full name"
"the apostrophe is tiny, but it's in there. I know, I know"
"Don't be afraid to give your story some texture. Adding curse words every couple sentences shows the audience your maturity, without having to go overboard on things like prose style or consistency of character."
"a little known trick in EGQ stories is to make every single character Sunset Shimmer, to diversify the cast"
"when writing Rainbow Dash, have her say '20% cooler' at least twice per scene. It'll show the readers that you know the character, and also have a sense of humor"
Prior to the pentagon:
"I guess I understand your reaction. Cooper was criticised for his reliance on coincidence and character ineptitude to create twists in the plot. It must be pretty tempting to dismiss his allegorical value on that superficial basis"
"Sweetie looks like she just realized what she's been doing all day"

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>>29664555

Hope you're having fun, and not being hurt too badly by my dodgy narrative abilities!

Good night

Think Green - Recycle the bumps:
>A chilly shiver runs down your spine.
>Galloping madly over lonely vertebraes.
>What was that?
>A goosebump?
>Ah no, just a regular bump.

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>>29667224
>vertebraes

>>29667717
A good catch, but this is the Writefags' Guild, so let's be constructive:

>>29667224
>>vertebraes
Should be vertebrae or vertebra. Doing both forms of pluralization makes it into a non-word.

>>29667972
>Should be vertebrae
Good catch! I blame my spellchecker.
(I didn't use it so according to upper management logic it's to blame.)

>>29667972
ur mom's a non-word

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>Lesson #1 - How to fingerprint a writer.

>>29668598
This is great, but it needs some kind of error bar or Bayesian thing.
I started writing shameless self-insert immortals when I was sixteen yeah, chuunibyou af and never stopped god, christ and satan, I just turned thirty

>>29668145
U wot!?
I swer on me mum's life m8

>>29668598
kek

EDM Bump because this thread needs more writing music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45eSOGguEew

>2017
>not writing to hard EDM
It's like you WANT your pace to be slow. 2000+ words per hour says hi.

>>29671216
Bumpin' music

>>29667972
>vertebra
Fuck. This was supposed to be vertebras.
I blame my idiocy.
(Note that my spellchecker calls that out, but it's a common enough form to be in my six year old print dictionary.)

Good morning

>>29671216
>2000 words per hour
Are you sure that's the EDM and not, like, amphetamines?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8WooPsxa68

>>29672436
Good night

>>29674939
EDM and years of writing against paid deadlines with a nasty bout of procrastination.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AIgS8MIF5c

>>29665728
I'm having more fun with this than I have with a lot of other stories, and I am looking forward to eventually writing the critique. I made it through what I believe you meant as your weaker part, and I do have plenty to say about it, but I'm not sure exactly what yet. As the story goes on, things will become clearer for me.

I'll pop in again on Friday, before my usual weekend activities; I intend to be at or past the four-thousand line mark by then.

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>>29678519

Then that'll put you roughly at the beginning of the last 'Story/Arc' of the entire tale before I ran out of steam.

Glad you're having fun!

>>29668598
I disagree, though this can be true to a point.

I say it depends more on the character involved more then the writer's mindset/age- Immortality, after all, is a blessing and a curse, but worse, something that we can't even imagine.

It's difficult for us to imagine the building blocks of the universe, the little specks that make up the specks that actually become the flowing constructs that is, well, the human body (or the world at large).

Immortality is a interesting thing to write about because on one side, yeah, fuck getting old, fuck losing all of that energy, knowledge, and skill that you accumulate your whole life only to lose to ageing, and more importantly, fuck dying young or in your prime, being taken out before you get to see it all.

But on the other side... no man is an island. You will make connections. Those connections will die, or move on, and the cycle will continue. You will watch as the wheels of time spin onwards, unfeeling, uncaring for you or your existence.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, now I got a bunch of ideas.

Good morning

>>29679328
It's kind of funny. I've seen friends go both ways as I grew up.

I said it earlier in the thread, I've always wanted immortality (assuming, obviously, the kind that includes eternal health, and whatever changes to memory are required to store several human life's worth), even at the price of never knowing someone with whom I could actually share my life.
Though obviously, I'd prefer clinical immortality, where everybody that's interested and able to afford it gets to come to the deep future with me.

But I have two friends from high school, and one of them who always hated the idea has come around. We talk about /tg/'s cyoa thread a lot and how we instantly go for maximized life span.

Another one seems to have gotten religion (or spirituality), and the last time we talked about it had some vaguely mystical mumbojumbo about seeing what comes next.

This is not a creative bump.

Hey anons check out my greentext
>>29682015

>10
Cleverless bump #4

New track from Alpharock this week. Seems he dropped Spinnin', hope he finds success without them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TmSXw0CVUs

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>Dick the Birthday Boy Halloweeen Edition

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>Decent Undertale - MLP fanfic when bump

I can feel it,
Bumping in the air tonight,
Oh Lord

And I've been waiting for this moment,
All my life,
Oh Lord

Hey, fags. How goes?

>>29685865
I dunno man. The current meme seems to be to hate Undertale around here. At least I've seen some screeching in a couple threads.

>>29686839
I have time again. But my motivation is suffering.
Oh shit page 10

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>>29679092
Okay, we're at four thousand. I think I see what you mean about running out of steam, but we'll see. So far, it's still a pretty interesting read.

What is a thread?
A miserable pile of bumps!

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>>29690409
Were you me this entire time?

>>29690807
Notice me, senpai.

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>>29692414
Sorry. I laid a task before his feet, that was many feet in length. The fact he accepted this feat of feet from his feet is a feat that he will defeat. Which is quite a feat.

>Page 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - BUMP
>Houston, we have a Bump Up.

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>>29692414
Huh...

>>29692414
>Were you me this entire time?

Nah. That's not my trip.

>>29690807
What did mankind do to deserve that image?

I started a story recently that's meant to be a quick and easy release for creative urges, and to keep a thread alive. But once I was done with the first little "episode" I realized that there were a lot of places where I could make it more interesting and impactful if I changed some bits, worked out some kinks, made it less expository and internal narration based.

And so now I have a short green busted apart into sections with lots of editing and ideas mark-up and my gumption and druthers have all trickled away.

>>29696387

Well that's often how it begins. Heck, I've got very, very, very, very long stories that erupted from what was only supposed to be somewhat short five post stories.

>>29696627
I can imagine. It isn't even just that it was supposed to be short. I just wanted to make something low effort, and I just couldn't do it.
Oh well. This way if I finish it it will better serve my legend.

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>Horse Bump

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>I made a Science Bump

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>rump, rump, sugar lump bump

Just a random tip for new writefags: it is a good idea to read a lot before writing. Pay attention to the way the writer describes things, uses tense, punctuates, and develops the story. Older books are better for this imo (early 1900s or older) because they had a more diverse vocabulary back then.

>>29699097
Well that gave me a boner.

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Derpy Boomp

>>29699128
Some people say it's Sweetie Belle, but truly, Diamond Tiara is far more lewd than any of the CMC.

>>29699097

Sweet Googledy Moogledy.
Looking up etymology for a project.

The types of ponies? They're called tribes, right?

Okay, so this etymology is now generally disfavored; but for a long time, a lot of people thought "tribe" literally came from roots meaning 'of one of the three groups'
(The almost-universally-held-as-correct etymology just means something like "division".)

The roman tribes were: Ramnes, Tities, Luceres.

I have no idea if this is a coincidence or not. It could easily have been really really wanting to avoid the thoroughly incorrect "species", or the potential baggage of "race", and a fancier word than "type".

But I'm also starting to suspect a writer putting some Latin classes to use. (Though a latinista of my acquaintance tells me that the Wonderbolts slogan isn't translated perfectly.)

Have some stooges.

Because this story is five years old now.

http://pastebin.com/CWHKBWgb

>my snot is as green as this text,
bump

Hasbro owns Dungeons & Dragons.
It's kind of interesting that they still use a mock brand for it. I guess they don't want to be accused of advertising their own products in their toy commercial.

It'd be immersion breaking I suppose.

>>29705230
Actually, shit. Now that I think about it, they're indoctrinating a fan base!

>>29705230
>Hasbro owns Dungeons & Dragons.
Through Wizards of the Coast it would seem.
This was interesting news to me.

Explains why they push D&D gaming in the series.

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>Goodnite slep bump

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Bump for all, all for bump!

>>29707001

>Winter Bump-Up, Winter Bump-Up
>Let’s have a holiday thread.

>>29709107
We just passed St Patrick's Day. Are there any Irish ponies?

>>29709107

>>29699126
This. I'd also like to add that you shouldn't use greentext, or fanfiction as your reference for writing. Quality is always a huge gamble, so find works that have merit. The only time you should use fanfiction and greentext for reference is to get an idea of the format and tropes.

>>29699126
>>29711592
What I'd say is that people looking to write well should try to read as broad a variety of works as they can. Even the bad stuff is useful because when by reading actively a prospective author can try to zero in on what makes a certain work unpleasant to read.
Though obviously, a focus on good work is probably more important.

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Advice on how to translate a character from a visual medium to writing? Especially when the essence of that character depends so much on the way they move and speak.

>>29712325
That's a tough one, because it's similar to giving a "voice" to a character, and that's always a very subtle matter, involving very fine distinctions of word choice and even the grammar you use to describe their actions.
For a very frenetic character like Ace Ventura, you might use shorter, punchier sentences than you would otherwise, and more kinetic word choices, like saying he tumbles or collapses into a chair instead of just sitting.
Though you can definitely start at a higher level too. Just build up their character with the little things they do and the way they talk. A character spinning around, bending over and grabbing their ass cheeks to make a kind of crude puppet is pretty distinctive! Watch the movie and concentrate on the little habits or quirks in every given scene, and think about how you might describe them.
(Funny coincidence, I was thinking about this recently as I'm writing a character heavily inspired by The Mask.)

So the main advice is a corollary to the fundamental advice for all writing. Every time you pick up a book, concentrate on the little things that give you the reaction you want to evoke. Think about each scene after it finishes and the feelings and impressions it gave you, and maybe try to flip back and look at little details to see why they might have inspired that reaction.

I wish I could suggest a book off the top of my head that has that kind of energetic physical comedy vibe, but my brain is shutting down from the flu. Dresden Files some? Not enough people give the Three Musketeers the credit it deserves for fun and light action. That reminds me of Princess Bride, but the book doesn't really capture the movie the same way.

Good luck anyways.

>>29712325

-Get creative with adverbs for when the character does something. Or maybe just make up verbs if it matches the character.

-Only point out the things that are REALLY important, give them to the audience drip by drip, and let the audience construct the image in their head of what this character is.

-If the way they do things is unusual, point out the action in a way that is absurd, to highlight how weird what this character is doing is.

>Pinkie leaps back to reveal a strange, two legged, hairless creature, wearing a tacky hawaiian shirt and an impressive mane of hair
>The creature's amrs whip out wide, fingers outstretched, shoulders hunched as it leans back.
>"HELLO!" he suddenly shouts, before continuing rapidly in a harsh whisper, "Fellow creatures of Equestria!"
>He stands back up straight, and slips of the pair of dark sunglasses.
>"I'm Ace Ventura...Pet Detective," he grins mischeviously, "Did someone...excuse me."
>He 'HAs!" while pointing at a suddenly unsettled Twilight.
>"Some PONY," he sparks angrily at her, making her jolt, before returning to a subtler tone and turning to the group, "Has stolen a Royal Pheonix. And it looks like I have to find it!"
>Dash looks at Twilight, with a sceptical look.

>>29712325
Everyone will hate me for saying it, but using a few clichés early on to establish an image can go a long way to help the reader interpret your future scenes.

Special characteristics associated with a stuffy professor or a sports jock could be used without explicitly stating what type of persona you aim to describe.

But be careful when linking together classic situations and frequently coupled adjectives/adverbs. You don't want to sound like a beer commercial or a copycat.

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>>29713004
>>29713005
>>29713461
I like you, Anons.

>>29715253

>10
Cleverless bump #5

>>29714240
And we like you namedfag.

>10
stahp

>A true true bump, bumps a thread in need.
>A bump will be there to help you see.
>A true true bump, bumps a thread in need.
>To see the light, that shines from a true true thread.

>Winter bump up! Winter bump up!
>Let's put this thread on first page!
>Winter bump up! Winter bump up!
>'Cause it fell under page nine!

>And it should't get just /trash/'d!

Save

Hello? Um, can anyone here help me improve my writing and English?

>>29679092
Five thousand lines. I'm getting a good idea of the shape my critique is going to take, and I'm looking forward to it. I'll pop in again on Saturday for an update.

>>29692414
Yo, waddup? Good to see you.

>>29724854
Post up some of your work, and someone can help you out.

I need to work as much as I can start animation 2nd term and make a book

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>>29725449

Many thanks guy! You'll shortly see my eventual, horrible burn out, I'm afraid.

I'm so, so sorry that I gave you a task that's taken you a solid three weeks to do, but I do appreciate the time you're giving to this.

Thanks again!

I wonder if English will remain the status as an international standard in the future?

>>29725871
>I wonder if English will remain the status as an international standard in the future?
Yes, for several different reasons. At least for the next one-two generations or so. After that it's hard to say for sure.

One reason it remains popular is that the basics seem easy enough. Only after studying it for a few years, you will realize it's next to impossible to master as it's riddled with exceptions in spelling/pronunciation and grammar.

Somewhere between 1970-2000, many believed Spanish to become a competitor on the international arena, but those theories evaporated with the Internet.

Every once in a while some nutcase believe that Chinese or an invented language (Esperanto) will become the language of the future. Those theories aren't very realistic.

>>29726121
I see.

>>29724169
This.

>>29725449
Bumpin' you?

Hump

>>29725871
I agree with the other guy. There's no way it stops being important for at least the next 50 years.

The thing is, it's not just like, political/cultural/economic reasons, like the early dominance of English speakers in computer science and Internet build out. I really hate it when people overestimate the complexity of other languages just because they weren't the language they were born to, but Chinese is one of the other big other candidates because of information density, size of technologically literate speaking population, and other reasons, but logographic writing systems and tone based pronunciation are both just plain harder to learn and harder to use.
The major difficulty with English is the huge vocabulary and schizophrenic spelling. Sure, the grammar is idiosyncratic to say the least (man, some kind of English but with Arabic grammar would be amazing), but you can still make yourself understood without being fluent in that.

Kindly unfall.

>>29730011
Rise up!

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>It is time...

Interesting. There's a limit to the number of posts you can delete per day.
An archived thread in /q/ implied ghost bumping is frowned upon, though I'm not clear on why. I've been doing it just to make the threads I bump look cleaner.

>>29732238
In the darkness of the night,
I bump this thread with all my might.

What program do you guys use to write green?

Personally, I use Notepad++ (I like it better than notepad and I made a custom 'language' for greentext that lets me preview how it will look on 4chan). Just curious to see what everyone else is using.

>>29732726
Look at the calories of potatoes.
>>29733255
New Microsoft Word Document

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>>29733255
Grammarly's editor, it's neato.

>>29733255
>preview how it will look on 4chan
I've seen banana holders and USB-powered hamster wheels with fake hamsters, but this seems especially pointless.

>>29734046
It doesn't really have a point. It was just a thing I did that I thought was a neat feature.

>>29733255
What program do you guys use to write green?
I use FocusWriter for all my writing.
Can also use Notepad2 to make quick notes/comments.

>>29733717
this pic is lewd need pron noaw

>>29733449
>Look at the calories of potatoes.
You mean calories or kilocalories?
>10

>>29735248
I feel like the use of "calories" to refer to anything other than Calories = food calories = kilocalories is so obscure that it should never be assumed unless explicitly stated.

I mean, it's "Calories" on nutrition labels, and it's easy to assume the capital is just an artifact of grammar, so of course it'd be used that way.

toward or towards

>>29736443

So I've always felt like "toward" is for a very specific direction, where "towards" is more ambiguous and general.
You point a gun toward the door, you travel toward Canterlot.
You wave your sword towards the stars. You travel towards the future.

But apparently this is not widespread at all. Mostly, "toward" is American (both US and Canadian), and "towards" is British and Australian. ("Towards" is sometimes used in America, but is less formal, whereas "toward" is just a mistake in UK usage.)

>Whatcha gonna do with all that green
>All that funk inside your dreams
>I'ma get get get get you drunk
>Get you word drunk off my bumps

>>29737535

>>29732724
>Interesting. There's a limit to the number of posts you can delete per day.
You know the number and time-frame?

>An archived thread in /q/ implied ghost bumping is frowned upon,
Ghost bumping sounds like a good idea to keep threads nice and clean.
But maybe it confuses mods when last post and bump time doesn't match?
Or causes them to make erronous assumptions when the last post in thread was posted?

>>29738683
From 1 minute after posted to 1 hr.
3 posts per day.
I don't know when it resets.

>>29738683
>You know the number and time-frame?
Couldn't find any information about the number, though it's probably per board. It seemed like somewhere around 10. The period is 24 hours, but not sure how it counts, whether it checks the number of deletes within the last 24 hours when you attempt a delete, or if there's a counter connected to your IP that resets at some midnight.

>>29738701
>>29738704
Oh, I guess I deleted fewer than I thought.

>>29738704
What

>10
Cleverless bump #6

Welp. RIP Reverse-Trap/Tomboy. for now at least.
If only I'd been, well, a lot faster. Maybe in a couple weeks I'll have something for critique here before I revive the thread.

>>29739569

>>29739569
Not sure what you're missing.
I can imagine two main ways the counting algorithm is implemented:
a) The server maintains a "delete counter" that it increments when you delete and sets to zero every 24 hours.
b) Whenever you attempt a delete it checks to see how many times you've deleted in the previous 24 hours.

Whenever you attempt to delete a post the server checks the count and if it's over 3 (or whatever) it denies your deletion.

>>29740612
dang

>>29725859
Okay, we're at fifty-six hundred and some change. I can tell that the critique is going to take more than one day to write, so I'm glad I covered my ass when I began reading. I'll let you know once I've finished the first pastebin link.

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>>29743621

You are a god-damned champion. Thanks for soldiering on through...what, three weeks now, for my monster of a story?

ba-bump

>>29745303
tense

>>29746451
Feels like a fast board for Sunday.

>>29624187

So what do you guys do when you have a story idea you want to go with but you have no idea how to start it?

>>29748362
Put it in a prompt thread and hope for bites.
>>29733255
MS Word hasn't failed me yet.

Mandatory EDM (trust me, you'll write faster): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1vf7txi5Kk

nump

>>29748362
I usually start a story by writing out of order relatively often.

Usually if I have an idea like this, it means I have a lot of ideas for important scenes, or big climactic ones. And so I start by writing kind of derpy versions of those. By forcing words out, I sometimes end up with a lot more ideas for how things would get to this situation in the first place.

Goodnight bump, in honor of that anon that was always saying goodnight and good morning.

Save

>>29751922

>>29752669
>10

>>29753362

EDM bump from page 9.

Daily reminder that BPM correlates with words per hour.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64NCtJnLGsA

>>29754076

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/224996/the-shining-silver-star-of-the-apple-family

This is chapter one of my fanfic. Can I get feedback posted here, not on the fic?

>>29702913
tities?

>>29756497
?

Deer Jesus.

>>29758723

>>29758723
wut?

>>29756571
Also sometimes called the Titienses. Named after Titus Tatius. I think they're the pegasi.

>>29760625
Everybody knows the intelligent deer are Christians.

>>29761060
KAaaaaaayyy~

>>29762831

Wow. Even quieter than usual today. It can't be that writefags are doing things for spring break can it?

>>29764350
sleeping it off

>>29763824

>>29744526
I'm officially done with part one. I'll begin reading part two tomorrow, and, once that's complete, I'll let you know when you can expect the critique. Not much longer to wait now (relatively speaking).

>>29754817
I have not forgotten about your story. I'm a ways off from being able to read it, but I am still thinking of it as my next critique, if you're still interested.

>>29756497
Meanwhile, I'd be happy to look at your story too, but there's a pair of large projects ahead of you. Perhaps someone else in this thread can take a look at it before I.

>>29766953
Was about to give my goodnight bump, but looks like you beat me to it. Anyways, yes, I am still interested. I know you can tear into a story like nobody else and I'd really like that. Already 25k words into another fic, so I just hope I don't end up putting two fics into your "to-do" pile lol

Here's some relatively undiscovered EDM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cY_K2JIgdMg

>>29766978
Right on. Of course, I'd be fine looking at whatever you give me, but I know what you mean.

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>>29766953

I fear you are now entering the Really Bad Part', and I apologise for that. But still - many thanks for sticking through with it!

Good Mourning

>>29769092

>>29756497
First disclaimer: I’ll probably be biased for the majority of this review. I don't much care for stories centered around OCs, so my enjoying this character is going to be an uphill battle.

Second disclaimer: Considering this is only the first chapter of an unfinished story, I can only base my critique on what you’ve written so far. Maybe all the issues I go over below are fixed by reading further, maybe not, I can’t know for sure. I don’t want to make assumptions, so as far as I’m concerned, this is an insulated, self-contained fanfic. I’ll happily amend my criticisms if and when more chapters come out.

Right off the bat, I’m getting visual overload. Thirteen words to describe a set of doors is absurd, especially when the entirety of their role in the story is simply opening for a secondary character. I know you have a precise vision in your head and you want to paint the scene to its exact minutiae for the reader, but that’s just not necessary. You should only give the reader whatever details are absolutely necessary; let them fill in the empty spaces themselves. Some lines, such as those describing the ‘artificial’ lobby, are fine (if somewhat heavy-handed) because you use them to help establish tone. These kinds of lines work because they add context, anything else is chaff that does nothing but inflate the word count and should be treated as such.

As a side note, you really play up the hollow and empty nature of the office building, which I didn’t see much of a point to. Was it meant to be a reflection of Silver Star himself? Personality wise, he didn’t come across as such to me. Is the building’s shallowness supposed to be a metaphor for the mask Silver Star puts on to hide his rural origins? If so, this superficiality trait in him isn’t touched upon at all.

1/8

>>29771828
This seems to be a problem (I hesitate to say problem, because there are of course times and places where this style of writing can shine, but I’m not sure if that time and place is here) you have in general, regarding unnecessary details. I don’t need to know the exact color scheme of the secretary, I don’t need to know the specific instruments that compose a theme in a character’s head, I don’t need to know the trials and tribulations a tertiary character had to overcome to get to this point. I honestly think the word count for your story could be cut in half and the plot would still be intact.

Speaking of plot, it takes far too long to reach the inciting incident. In the first episode of the show, the very first words spoken concern the prophecy of Nightmare Moon and what could happen should she return. This was the overarching thread that strung together Twilight’s first adventure and gave it narrative significance. The entire first-half of your story on the hand is spent without a driving plot hook. Take away all the fluff and fancy writing, and you’re basically describing an office meeting for the better part of ten-thousand words. It’s not even a marginally noteworthy meeting. If Silver Star’s apparent disinterest is anything to go by, this is as routine a day as it gets. What exactly did you think would entice the reader to keep reading up to this point?

Far, far too much exposition shotgunned at my face. You dump a lot of info in the beginning in regards to Coffee Ground’s back-story, information that is not needed until much later on. If this information is not pertinent to the immediate scene, why are you giving it to the reader now? Some rearrangement here wouldn’t be amiss.

2/8

>>29771838
You also spend a lot of time listing off your main character’s various achievements and accolades, in the form of ‘rumours’ and whatnot. I can appreciate set dressing in the beginning of a story, but this is such a clunky and unnatural way to drop background information. A character’s history should be smoothly integrated into the narrative, in the form of hushed whispers and partial asides occasionally fed to gradually develop a nuanced character. Instead, you lay it all bare and it feels like there is nothing left to discover for myself. You try setting up some intrigue regarding the source of his power, but it falls flat because you don’t elaborate on the consequences of this information becoming public knowledge or what happens if he overdoses. If Silver Star isn’t worried, than why should I be?

The entire magical flight passage adds nothing to the plot, besides making Silver even more ridiculously spectacular beyond belief. And I stress, ‘beyond belief.’

Further regarding the rumors, why is there any doubt of Silver Star’s incredible abilities in the first place? Not a single pony in Canterlot manged to spot a unicorn bouncing crazily through the city like a pinball? Am I to believe that every pony that has ever stepped into his office took a vow of silence to never speak of his magical power, given that Silver quite brazenly uses magic in front of his three appointments? Please don’t hand wave these plot-holes away with stuff like ‘connections’ or ‘blackmail.’ Speaking of, he also must’ve stepped on a lot of toes while climbing the social and corporate ladder; does no one harbor any ill will toward him? Were the social elite, a group that has historically relied on one another to maintain power, content to let this outsider upset the status quo and tear down their ivory towers? What I’m trying to say is this setting is far too convenient and forgiving towards the main character.

3/8

>>29771843
Silver Star himself. I’m curious, what character archetype did you have in mind when coming up with him? Were you envisioning a Robin Hood type deal with shades of Tony Stark? As a character, I flat out do not find him very interesting. He’s hyper-competent through nebulous means, he’s not at all sympathetic thanks to his attitude towards his fellow ponies, and he’s seems utterly disinterested in anything aside from himself. There’s next to nothing that endears me to him, nothing that makes me want to accompany him on his journey. When he arrives in Ponyville, a member of the mane six is more or less gushing over him. But the reader’s adoration is not as easily won. No, it must be earned, whether it be through blood or sweat or tears.

The chief problem here is his unlikability. Okay, he makes a living conning other affluent ponies that he feels are undeserving of their wealth or status. Why? Because "it's fun, and he prefers good targets to Good targets." This is simply not enough. First off, at no point do you ever expand on his supposed ethical side (beyond just saying he hates corruption). This is a major misstep. If he doesn’t show that he cares for those less fortunate then himself, than he’s just a hot shot CEO with a superiority complex. Second, given the three interviews, it seems like his idea of fun leans more towards manipulation and domination, which doesn’t help make him anymore likable.

Comet Trail. The severeness of his crime and the payment that Silver Star demands is so disparate that Silver comes across as a bully. If anything, I find myself sympathizing with Comet more so than Silver. If these are the kinds of ponies that he targets, then how can I as the reader take his word that he only goes after “corrupt nobles?”

4/8

>>29771847
Coffee Grounds. You spend a lot of time on him, so I expected he’d play a more important role than just being tossed aside to further illustrate how skilled of a magician and business mogul Silver is. Coffee has a problem that affects most of your cast. Not only is Silver Star extremely competent, nearly everyone else is incredibly incompetent to boot. Wouldn’t it have been so much better if Coffee Grounds was instead a superb businesspony himself? Perhaps even Silver Star’s equal? A pony not just capable of challenging him, but even dethroning him? Silver then beating him, not through magic, but through superior business acumen, would’ve been a great display of the intellect he purportedly possesses. But no, you just have Silver jedi mind tricking him away (which is an enormous copout by the way). Side note: why is Coffee only able to sell his store to Silver? Wouldn’t he have other buyers lined up, considering how valuable you make the property out to be?

Lemon Field. No, it’s not an enjoyable experience reading about a CEO verbally berating an inferior. Not much to be said here, just reinforces what I already know: Shining Star is an asshole. Consider this: I think it would stand to reason that most business executives have considerable charisma. After all, CEOs are leaders by definition and getting anywhere in the business world probably involves just as much schmoozing as personal ability. Does Silver’s dialogue and behavior here seem indicative of a person I would want to follow and work for? To make business deals and work with? To befriend and accompany on his character arc?

5/8

>>29771851
Aquilla. I like her as a character. I only wish had you let her bounce off of her boss more. Her screaming at Silver when he doesn’t respond, her chastising his use of the chemicals, her subtle concern for his well-being: these are all good character driven interactions that tell me more about these individuals in a natural, fluid manner. You could do a lot more with her that would really benefit your story. She could be playing the role of the straight-man, the audience expy, or the voice of reason, all of which would help ground the more eccentric Silver Star.

The following is probably the biggest issue I have with your story: Silver Star doesn’t encounter even a modicum of difficulty throughout the story. There is no situation in which he isn’t cool, calm, collected, i.e. static, flat, predictable. There is nothing interesting about watching a character breeze through any and every challenge set before them. It’s almost laughable when you remark how his “creative and magic skill” is “impressive,” but “not quite good enough to get him into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns." Really? When he's performing feats that I can hardly imagine Twilight matching? There's a couple of lines that are in the same vein, all describing how he's very powerful, but still only slightly less powerful than the princesses.

6/8

>>29771860
Finally, the main crux of the story; Silver's desire (or lack thereof) to make friends. He spontaneously sings a song that encapsulates the emptiness in his life, after which Aquilla sporadically says ‘go to some town and make friends.’ Then, Silver just kinda agrees with her and decides it’s time for a vacation. Couple of reasons why this doesn’t work. Yes, you state how empty and joyless life became for him. However, you don’t go into detail on how this apathy is affecting his life, you don’t clarify why his lack of friends is causing this apathy, and you don’t explain how gaining friends would lift his malaise. There’s no sense of potential risk or failure. As it stands, Silver has nothing to lose. Which is more exciting? A man walking on a tightrope ten feet off the ground, or a hundred?

Alright, I think I’ve stressed enough that I’m not a fan of this character. Despite all that, almost everything I noted above could be forgiven, if you’re going where I think you’re going with him. Pardon the assumption, but I can only hope that Silver will soon be torn down by the weight of his hubris and he’ll eventually learn a painful lesson in humility. Have him reconnect with his roots and realize that accumulating power isn’t the most important thing in life, all that good jazz. If this is the case, there’s still one problem: I don’t care enough to see this character better himself. If you’re going to have a character go through a redemption arc, the audience needs to believe he’s worth redeeming in the first place.

7/8

>>29771867
You can write well. That much is obvious. Of all the stories I’ve critiqued, yours is structurally and grammatically the strongest by far. Story wise, I can’t say the same. It’s at this point that I want to ask you a question: did you write this tale chiefly for yourself or an audience? If it’s the former, that’s totally fine, but you can’t expect to attract many readers or please critics with that choice. If you have any desire to entertain others however, you need to make your story and characters more accessible, which means finding a balance between writing what you want to write about and what the audience wants to read about.

8/8

bumb

>>29772417

Good night! And just curious, does the Guild prefer polysyndeton or asyndeton? I'm more of a polysyndeton guy myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3j-JLylgNk

>>29773118
I definitely lean towards minimal explicit conjunctions, but I use polysyndeton for its effect at times.

I have a funny (ish) story about polysyndeton though, and the reason the term was readily available to my brain when I read it.
There's a web-serial shared-universe narrative fiction project (which happens to be really over-represented on TV Tropes) called Whateley Universe. Nothing that I've read of it was particularly good, but I didn't read much since I was so put out by the first chapter. One of many issues was that a couple of the main characters would ramble a bit when they spoke, including lists with repeated "ands". And their tour guide, portrayed as a snooty, prim-and-proper-princess type, would say something snide, like, "That's too many 'ands'. Remember, grammar always."

Of course, that raises another point, about how much an author can trust their audience. If this had been better written overall, I would have assumed that the author was trusting their audience, expecting them to laugh up their sleeves at this girl that thinks she's so smart, but is "correcting" people incorrectly (all without needing a character in the story to point it out).
But it wasn't that well written, so I just ended up assuming that the writer had been taught that that was a rule of proper grammar and never learned better.

cool critique

>>29775307
>>29776328
who's there

>>29776983
Page 10

>>29778151
Page 10 whom?

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Whoa.

Quite a board hangover.

Anyways passing guy bumping.

post /pol/ bumparoonies

That sure was an experience.

>>29780074
Is that the chick from Black Lagoon?

>>29780930
No it's the dude from Pirates of the Caribbean.

yosh

I was amazed

page 8

>>29781017
>dude from Pirates of the Caribbean
>dude
My side

>10
Wake up ! !

>>29784946
>Grab a brush and put a little (makeup)

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>>29781017

Clop!

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>Decide to take actual lessons in english and writing.
>Check your old fanfictions afterwards...
>mfw

I'll write that novel one day. ONE DAY.

>want to stop writing
>still have one idea that won't stop bothering me
Why?

>>29787737
Your brain wants you to turn it into a novel instead of a bloody fanfiction

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be honest, which one's your writing style?

>>29788413
Implying Tolkien would use "hanged" instead of "hung" for a window on the wall.

I'm definitely Lemony Snicket though, which reminds me of an interesting story about another viewpoint character....

good night

>>29788413
Terry Pratchett

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>>29788413
Somewhere between Tolkien and Rowling.

>>29788413
>>29788518
Rambling
>>29790983
medium
>>29790693
off menu

Very appropriate, good job.

Im not new to writing at all, but theres always room for improvement eh?
So if anybody could read any of my stuff and give me a little feedback on what im doing wrong or doing right that'd be great.
in advance,
thanks!
https://pastebin.com/vqi3HewE
the rest of what i have on my pastebin is up for grabs too, this is basically the only actual non pony related thing ive done however, and id like to know how to improve from there even if it isnt pony related, as it will help pony related shit too

>>29793585
Quite a short read. I'll get around to it later tonight. I haven't done a reading in a while.

>10

>>29793585
Okay, finished reading it. Got a couple grammar fixes, and a couple suggestions overall.

>They had their squabbles, their disagreeances, their differences, as with every couple, however from the beginning they both remained quite distant from one another, both were in said marriage not for the sake of one another's well being or happiness, but the whole marriage itself was a sham.

First of all, this should be broken into two clauses.

>They had their squabbles, their...remained quite distant from one another. Both were...
Or.
>They had their squabbles, their...remained quite distant from one another; both were...

For me personally, I'd lean towards the first example.

Secondly, the second part of this line is clunky.

>Both were in said marriage not for the sake of one another's well-being or happiness, but the whole marriage itself was a sham.

Your use of but here is incorrect. Their marriage being a sham isn't in contrast with them not being together for the other's happiness. In fact, those ideas go hand-in-hand. If you're going to tell me that the reason for the marriage is NOT happiness and well-being, then follow that clause up with, "but..." I expect the following clause to include the actual reason that the two are in the marriage. Speaking of which, there is a lack of that explanation anywhere. I'll be coming back to this point later.

>Of course, they had hatred for one another, it's only natural to feel disdain towards another human being after years of constant disagreements, even on the simplest of matters.

Again, two clauses here. After another, you can have either a period, or a semicolon; the semicolon being more acceptable in this case than the first.

>The duo hadn't nor would ever spend time together willingly.
Should be...
>The duo hadn't, nor would ever, spend time together willingly.

That's pretty much it for grammar.

>>29795409

I'd like to come back to my earlier statement. Why is this relationship still intact? Obviously it's horrible, and neither of them went into it with any reasons that would make for a lasting relationship, and it's been horrible ever since it began, so why bother? There doesn't have to be a long explanation, but there has to be some kind of rationale behind the characters.

The other criticism I have is that you in trying to depict an awful relationship, you've subtly contradicted yourself. You say that the two are distant, and hate each other. They hardly speak, or want anything to do with each other. At the same time, the relationship is abusive. Cassie is taking blows, and has bruises. To me, that's contradictory. Physical abuse is not emotionally distant. It is very emotionally charged, especially from one side. If there's any distance, it's almost always the victim distancing themselves emotionally to protect their stability as a person. Abuse is about controlling the other person. If the husband is abusing the wife, it's a sign that he wants her to be submissive to him, and he's invested enough emotionally to keep it that way, that he resorts to physical violence. And here's the thing: it wouldn't be a hard thing to accept if I had a reason as to why these two are trying to make the marriage work. If he's beating her, then he needs her for something, even if it's only because he thinks a woman's purpose is to be his servant.

Overall, it's not bad, but as far as story-telling goes, I think your primary concern was to depict an awful situation, and I think you should have been more concerned with making a believable situation. The two issues listed above compound one another. If you fix the first issue, the second one will be at least alleviated somewhat.

>>29787995
Maybe I should
Although, I had an OC drawn for the story. Would be a waste of a character

>>29796269
>OC
>Waste
pick one

>>29796280
I was saying it'd be a waste if I didn't use her

Save

LIVE

>>29796269
Nah man. Fanfic is cool. That's what the Internet tells me.
I want to keep writing, but I'm running out of motivation.

>>29795436
well, the reasons why they are still together I planned to explain further as I got more into the story honestly.
I wasn't too hellbent on grammar, but thank you either way!
He isn't staying because of her. She isn't staying because of him. But just know it is forced.

>>29801304

>>29802342
is this really what bumps have come to

>>29767353
I have finished the story, and I have organized my notes. I'm going to begin writing the critique now, and I'll post it on Thursday. There's a lot of stuff to say.

>>29802752
When the thread keeps dropping to page 10 yeah. Can't think of anything green, but here's a music bump:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0g_o5vzMX7Q

File: damnitblingmablingit.gif (180KB, 177x133px) Image search: [Google]

180KB, 177x133px

>>29803047

HYPE HYPE HYPE HYPE

...HYPE!

Hope you had fun reading it, and I apologise deeply for the shoddy ending.

>>29803958
old meme bump

>>29799425
Thrive

>>29805773
Go upwards, young thread.

Wump.

Good Night

Good morning!

>>29810077
>>29811128
What do you mean?
Do you wish me a bumped thread,
Or mean that it is a bumped thread whether I wish it or not,
Or that you're bumping this thread,
Or that this is a thread worth bumping?

>>29812418
It's 10:14 AM

>>29803958
All right, not long now. I'm just writing up the conclusion, and then I'll post.

>>29803958
https://pastebin.com/BLH9fRXY
Part one.
https://pastebin.com/QUFx6CPs
Part two.

The simplest, most basic way to describe what’s going on here is that you’re trying to do too much with this story. There’re a lot of different tones, some plot points that need not be included, and a very circuitous premise, which is where I’ll start. Oh, also, when referring to specific lines, I’m always talking about the first part unless specified otherwise.

One of the first big things that became clear to me was that everything you have happening in his human life was going to be wasted. In the beginning, I was intrigued; Anon’s condition was a pretty good idea on its own. It’s not extravagantly tragic, nor was it treated with much melodrama or given an overblown feeling of importance. However, once he did make it to Equestria, and once he got used to living there, his earthly health problems stopped being important. I realized that it was going to become an issue on line 1114, where you go straight back into describing his life in Equestria, having ended a paragraph with him waking up in the hospital. It was the perfect place for more description on his condition, the perfect place to remind the audience that, while he’s some sort of supernatural being in Equestria, he’s a sad, dying kid back home. It was the ideal spot for you to work on rounding out the other side of his character, which would help you make him more interesting. 1/?

>>29815055
As the story went on, you eventually stopped mentioning his lung problem altogether, either because you forgot about it or you figured it was no longer important. The reason that’s bad is because everything else that happens to Anon, even his “death” toward the end, is steeped in a swashbuckling, cartoonish sort of rambunctiousness that does not mix with the tone you first established with his health concerns and then tried to carry through with his attempts at a serious relationship with Pinkie, which means that the one plot point you had at your disposal to help make the serious parts more serious was left unused.

This takes me to the complicated core problem, which I mentioned earlier: too much stuff. So much of this is Anon running around and getting himself into outlandish trouble that, when you try to insert some real drama, it falls flat and hurts the story. To keep it relevant to his breathing problem, I cite line 741, where you try to add in some tension with wondering whether he’ll have to return to his crappy life. I did not get the impression that the stakes were very high in this scene, or indeed in much of the story, because there is so very little said of his suffering, and the nature of it. You tell me that it sucks to be him, and you show him being happy that he’s not in the hospital, but those are not enough to make me share his worry at the prospect of going back to Earth. Also keep in mind that his new succubus self has only recently been introduced, so there’s not much time for the reader to get used to it, which means you’re mixing the anxious, melancholic tone of dreading home with the offbeat, silly tone of Anon waking up as a sex demon. 2/?

>>29815069
In regards to his backstory, my advice is to rework it entirely. You use his human side so little, and to so little effect, that it comes across as an inexpert attempt to jump onto the feels bandwagon. His brief return just in time for a lonely, miserable Christmas close to the end was too on-the-nose, too obvious, and too small when so much other stuff had happened before it. If you find a way to have him be from Equestria naturally, and cut out his familial relationship with Zecora, you’re going to have a much easier time focusing the story. Even if you choose to put some sentimental stuff in, it’ll be easier to use, because you won’t have to A) have him frequently reminiscing (which gets tiresome to read) or B) contrive ways for him to keep moving between worlds. If you can keep his story contained in one universe, then integrating certain plot points won’t be as huge an onus.

That being said, there’s still a lot of work to be done. A less ridiculous premise would be great, but that’s really just the jumping-off point. Anon’s character needs some work, though, I will say, less work than I was expecting when I first started reading this.

From line 108 and onward, you have Anon calmly grilling Twilight in her own castle, and hardly giving any thought to his own circumstances. This is not a good kind of Anon to have in a story, because it sets a dangerous precedent that can be hard to overcome. If Anon is so cool and calm about being summoned into another reality, then I immediately wonder how the story is going to handle the eventual conflict. This is the single most alarming thing that has ever happened to him, and he just breezes through it like he’s in on the joke. A lot of writers I see give Anon that aloof, unflappable character because it enables them to fill their stories with all sorts of meta-commentary, but I’ve never seen it done tastefully or well. 3/?

>>29815082
It always, instead, makes Anon look like a faceless narrator, someone who’s only good for spewing quips and banging Your Favorite Character, and always the least interesting part of whatever scene he’s in. Some argue that that’s the point, that he’s supposed to be a stand-in, but that’s clearly not what you’re doing with him.

When he is initially yanked into Equestria, you have him agreeing to go along with things because he’s already in a crazy situation, so why not? That line of reasoning, however, requires no thought from the protagonist, and no real work from the writer. It’s a cheap, easy way to let Anon become a witness to the story as it happens around and to him, and it says nothing interesting about his character. I’m not saying he should be freaking out and stealing the plot away for a thousand lines, but have him give a more realistic reaction. He can only suspend his disbelief for so long before his reasons for participating seem more like laziness.

Later in the story, this lackadaisical approach to life in Equestria makes it difficult for Anon to have any good moments of character growth. I can see the places where it looks like it was intended for him to grow, but it never really works out, and that is because he only has two things about which he cares deeply, and neither of those things are given the importance they need in the story. Pinkie is one, and I’ll be spending some time on her in a bit, and his shitty health on the other side is the other. 4/?

>>29815101
On line 4564, you say that the hospital ambiance is something that has haunted Anon’s every waking moment, and I disagree. You spend between five and ten percent of your story time with him either in the human hospital or thinking about it, and that’s not enough to justify a statement like that. Once he discovers he can breathe easily in Equestria, that plot point more or less vanishes, and I never see him suffering any sort of uncertainty or discomfort at the change between worlds. He’s not doing much remembering or reflection, just blundering through town and making trouble happen. From my perspective, he never thinks about his first life once he’s away from it, so to say that there is something from that time that haunts his every waking moment is dishonest; I wish it weren’t, because that would make him more interesting to read.

Before I continue, one thing that I did like about Anon was that he did a lot of the things he did in the later parts out of either a sense of basic moral obligation or in an attempt to fix an earlier mistake. There was no grandiose heroism, and I appreciated that, because it made him more human and more down-to-earth. If you could keep that and add more depth to his character, you’d have a good, though still very weird, protagonist. 5/?

>>29815115
On that topic, I suppose I’ll address the elephant in the room. It’s really strange and arbitrary to make him into a succubus (actually, you want him to be an incubus; succubus is the lady version). I’m guessing you did it as a way to allow yourself to combine humor with lewdness, which I know is a popular thing to do, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You did it with a needlessly complicated explanation, though, and throughout my reading experience, his being always stood out slightly. If your protagonist is going to stand out (and they should), it’s better to have them do it more because of their actions than their natures; here, it seemed about equal, with his actions typically being direct or indirect results of what he was. Giving the Pinkie romance part of the story more focus might help alleviate that somewhat.

So what about Pinkie? She is the other big reason why your tone is so disjointed. On a basic level, you’re mixing romance with comedy and action, which is tough, but there’s more to it than that. On line 2104, you say that Anon’s conversation with Pinkie, regarding the possibilities of a more serious relationship, caused him a lot of pain. First, that line is too explicit. You don’t need anything massive or heart-wrenching to demonstrate that the conversation hurt him, but you’d be better off with more than just stating how much it hurt. Such a declaration defeats the purpose of paying attention to how Anon acts later, because we’ve already been told where his feelings stand. In comparison to the rest of the story, and not just the parts that precede this line, it doesn’t seem to ring true. 6/?

>>29815126
Anon rarely shows any sort of serious emotion, and those instances in which he does are too few and too small. For the majority of the story, he’s a smirking jokester with a love of obfuscation and fornication. I understand that your story does not preclude there being more to his personality than those things, but it’s your job to bring them to light in a reasonable, authentic way, and a large part of that is showing them with either more frequency or more intensity, so the reader can leave the story feeling as though he or she has gotten a good dose of all the facets of his personality. Again, it makes him into a well-rounded character.

In the rough area between lines 3602 and 3640, you have a good spot to do just what I suggest. Pinkie defending Anon’s character to Bonbon is a significant thing, and it says a lot about her, and a good deal about him as well, but it should be longer. You say that Bonbon’s comment about him messing up really badly cut him deep; why not expand upon that? A great way to do it would be to have Anon engage Bonbon in the argument first, and try to explain himself, before letting Pinkie step in and take his side. It’ll give him a much needed chance to speak about things he often does not, and it’ll also subtly show that Pinkie cares enough about him to restrain herself a little while he talks for himself. That scene has the makings of a piece of good character development, but it’s lacking a lot. 7/?

>>29815141
Then, for a long time, nothing, until line 5538, when you have him pining for Pinkie again. By this point, I had largely put his romance subplot out of my mind, as it appeared you did. Suddenly reintroducing this deep affection is a classic case of “too little too late.” Your story left her in the dust for a long time, and attempting to bring her back read more like you suddenly remembering that you were supposed to, rather than you continuing that character arc. In this instance, I would advise you make a decision right away on whether you want to keep the Pinkie romance thing. If so, then you’ll need to do a lot more writing, and have more descriptions and demonstrations of his feelings for her in her absence. If not, then you need to cut all of the romance stuff you’ve written. The second option is obviously easier, but it’s on you to decide which is the better choice. This same thing is repeated on line 815 in the second part. With so little about it in comparison to the rest of the story, these feelings seem hollow.

What it all adds up to is a vestigial subplot that serves to distract from the main story. If Pinkie is supposed to be a major character, then treat her like one. If Anon is truly interested in that way, then show him doing more stuff. For a little bit closer to the beginning, it looked like you were going to. Their date was nice, and those brief sequences of him and her joking around were good as well, but you need more. If you start them off with some strong description of his times with her, and the way his feelings unfold (you can easily show it through dialogue, internal thoughts, or a mixture of both), then you can hit a really strong turning point when she helps defend him from Bonbon. 8/?

>>29815149
That scene can be the payoff to a lot of previous emotional exploration, and can also be the catalyst to some bolder actions on his part, now that he knows she feels strongly about him (if he didn’t already). There’s a lot of potential in her, but you’ve got to bring it out.

Even so, you’ll then have a messy tone to contend with. As I said, a lot of the tone’s problems have to do with Anon’s underutilized relationship with Pinkie and his under-explored health concerns, but there are a couple smaller pieces as well. Right at the beginning, the very first note I took on this story actually, you have the weird crow show up on lines 36-43. It came across as a grab for some grimdark, and boy am I glad you didn’t persist with that for eight thousand lines. It’s more than my bias against that type of writing. Your whole story, more or less, is on the cartoonish side in its approach to action. Ponies get hurt, yes, but it’s often either comical or not as serious as it should be. Luna getting dick slapped, for instance. I noticed that, when grave injuries are being sustained, it’s only by the ponies who can take them. Snips and Snails get about the worst of it, but Anon heals them up nice and easy, and we see no lasting effects. You don’t show us the nasty aftermath of the bad things that happen, like Trixie and Glimmer becoming hypothermic, or Snips and Snails coming out of shock when Anon puts his hooves to them. So even though bad things happen, they’re not realistic, which is why something like the dead crow staring at Anon with its empty eyes and whispering to him doesn’t fit. It’s not the action itself, but the description of it. It’s that overemphasis on dark detail that is not often present elsewhere. The same goes for line 1857, with his gory transformation. If the transformation is that way, you need to set that precedent earlier. 9/?

>>29815164
This exact point also applies to lines 830-838, Anon thinking about suicide. That type of scene has no business being in your story in the first place. In fact, it rarely has business in any story that isn’t directly about it. Suicide is one of those topics that I call “black hole topics,” things that immediately draw all attention, both from readers and from any characters who might hear about it or experience it. To do otherwise is to waste the topic’s significance, but to do it at all is to open yourself up to a massive shift in tone and character focus; that’s why, excepting stories that are about it, it’s a lose-lose situation to even bring it up except in the most ephemeral ways. In this story, it was a whiplash turn away from the rambunctious sexy fun times we’d been having earlier, and that’s not usually a good change to have.

You’re doing the same thing, to a lesser extent, on line 1440, a boisterous, fun line that comes right after a large moment of tenderness. What this small lack of transition between tones suggests to me is that you’re trying to keep Anon in line with his character traits as you established them at the beginning, which, with so small a range of characteristics, is a mistake. Consistency of character is important, but it is not the same as having a character act the same way all the time. A good character, like a person, has all sorts of different thoughts and feelings, which means that they will have different ways to approach situations. You need to work on fleshing out some of Anon’s other personality traits, so that you can keep him in character while still having him do different things. 10/?

>>29815176
You might notice that pretty much every problem with the story so far is coming back to Anon, and there’s a reason for that. As the protagonist, he’s the most important character in the story, and the one who gets the most writing. In many cases, like yours, a lot of the narration gets put through his filter. I know that everything I read was in some way affected by Anon, because he was the one involved in what I read, either as a witness or a participant. Therefore, adding to his character is going to help you add to the story, because you’ll be able to have him do different things, speak to characters in different ways, and approach situations differently. Not every problem needs to be something that gets out of control, but I’ll get to that.

Now it’s grandma’s turn. There’s something respectable about using her as a way to induce depravity in your protagonist. For a comedic story, there’s some merit there. However, using her also as the reason why Anon is a succubus, the reason he’s in Equestria, and then also his mentor and villain buddy once he gets there is too much. You’re taking a character that, in my opinion, is best used as a funny one-off and forcing her to fill in a lot of empty places. If you actually list out her functions in the story, as I did, she looks more like a plot device than her own character, and, moreover, a plot device in a piece of the plot that is unnecessarily convoluted. My advice on her is harsh and simple: cut her out. If you can find a way to have Anon’s origin story less of a tangle, then you will also find you no longer need grandma, because there’s going to be a lot less you need to explain in-story. Everything else can come from other characters. 11/?

>>29815188
He can find his cock ring in one of Twilight’s cubbyholes in the castle; maybe she’s been experimenting with gender bending lately. He can learn how to be a succubus, or whatever, from whoever lives in the place he came from. He can end up befriending the villains through Discord, rather than his granny. And if you really don’t want to say goodbye to the incest, I’m sure you can dig up some family member for him to squeeze. Maybe he practices his powers of charm and attraction on a cousin or something.

The point is, grandma/Zecora is doing more harm than good here, and her removal is going to help a lot of your tonal issues out as well. You can make the acquisition of the ring less orthogonally sentimental, and you’ll be removing the driving force behind what makes his backstory so intensely bizarre.

That being said, I’m not sure you need to keep his cock ring. Another thing I noticed was that Anon is not easily harmed, with one glaring exception. I knew it then, and so, when he received his piece of jewelry, I immediately questioned it. From a character standpoint, there’s not much reason he should have it. If he can go toe-to-toe with Luna and survive, then what else is there that’s going to threaten him? From a story standpoint, it’s a bad idea because you’re just using it as a way to give him even more unneeded power. An important part of a good story is, of course, the conflict, and it’s difficult to have good conflict when your protagonist is basically indestructible. 12/?

>>29815200
If Anon can just march right through Luna’s guards without worrying, then I, too, have no reason to worry, because I know he’ll be fine. It was actually an interesting dynamic to have him being able to survive the local divinity with some effort; it made his actions suddenly have consequences that they did not before. It made him culpable for the dumb things he did, which encouraged him to tread lightly in places, which would have made for some interesting sections of tact and restraint on his part. Instead, you just slapped some plot armor on him and sent him on his way. It’s great to be happy for a character because he’s doing well, but not so great when him doing well takes the claws out of the conflict.

The glaring exception that I mentioned up there is Bonbon, who has plenty of flaws aside from those she reflects in Anon. To get to that one first, though, having Bonbon be the only pony who can come close to killing him is not a good move, especially when Luna failed to do it. You’re tacitly telling us that Bonbon is stronger than the night goddess, first of all, and you’re also killing Anon’s credibility as a demon, and your own credibility as a writer. Think of it this way: what does Bonbon do that allows her to do such damage to Anon? She’s a secret agent, yes, but that doesn’t mean anything on its own. Luna’s a god, and so is Discord, and they both are hard pressed to do much permanent damage to him. There’s no specificity as to why her blades are able to harm him how they do, so it comes across as arbitrary. The construction is this: Anon is basically indestructible because it is in his nature to be so, and Bonbon is the only one who can destroy him because she just can. Am I to believe that she has access to some kind of power no one else in the world does? 13/?

>>29815225
More on her specifically, Bonbon is an empty antagonist. She is not shown doing anything either before Anon comes along, or concurrently to his shenanigans. She’s immediately ready to take up the crusade against him, and with such a soft reason. When Pinkie’s defending Anon, she asks Bonbon why he’s so bad, when there are so many other folks in Equestria with his level of power, and that question goes unanswered. You did so to illustrate that Bonbon was being dumb, yes, but you then did nothing to further address her dumbness. No one else questions her, even Anon; he just resigns himself to her occasionally popping in for a fight.

Bonbon reminded me of the Dahaka in Prince of Persia Two. If you haven’t played it, the Dahaka is an “unstoppable” monster that chases you around from time to time. It can plow through walls, jump huge distances, and no weapons kill it except for the secret one if you get all the power-ups. You have Anon trudging through the enchanted blizzard with his freezing buddies, Trixie and Glimmer, with no one else around because it’s too damn cold, and yet, Bonbon and her team is able to not only follow him flawlessly (line 5567, with her meeting him at the library), but also get to the other castle first. Not only can she do it, but she and the nurse, the doctor, and the cop can do it together, and she’s the only one with special training. So either they all have some kind of supernatural indefatigability to them, or the snowstorm isn’t as bad as you say. Either way, you’re setting up a false sense of power for Bonbon, making her into more than what she should be for no good reason. 14/?

>>29815250
Another way she reminded me of that scary video game monster is in her psychotic single-mindedness. He didn’t even do anything that bad to her, comparatively. He just lied and put them both in an awkward spot. For anyone else, that would be worth a lecture, or some insults, or a slap in the face, but Bonbon decides to make it her life’s work to see him dead. Why? The bad in what he did bears no relation to the bad she’s responding to by trying to kill him off, and arguing that it’s to stem all the potential bad only holds water for so long. After a point, when Bonbon’s been at this for half the story and still no one has asked her to stand down and better explain her position, it stops being exclusively her fault. Everyone involved has a hand in this either through direct involvement or mere complicity.

On lines 4314-4474, when she attacks him at the post office, I began to notice the truth of what you said about yourself running out of steam. Bonbon comes out of nowhere here, and it’s no surprise that she should do so in a very dangerous, dramatic way. I imagine the thought was that a good action scene would liven things up, and you’re not wrong to think that. Sometimes, that kind of scene is exactly what the doctor ordered for a story that’s dragging. However, this scene needs to be introduced better. As it is now, there’s scarcely any transition or connection between scenes, and this one in particular, which means that everything that takes place appears to occupy its own little continuum, separate from the main plot. Your action is interesting, and fairly well-written, so I’m less inclined to be upset about this than I have been in other stories, but this Bonbon encounter still needs some backbone. Fixing up her character in general will help with that. 15/?

>>29815269
What these examples mean for you, the writer, is that you’ve peopled your story with a bunch of idiots. The ponies accept their fates and the things that happen to them with a single, strong reaction, and then are almost impossible to sway later. It happens most notably with Bonbon, but also happens with Luna when she hears about him being a pedophile, with the villains when he fails to deliver the grog, with Trixie and Glimmer when they’re exposed to each other, and with Twilight just in general. All of this going on makes for a setting of over-reactionary caricatures who make good obstacles and not much else, and this is why so much of the story involves Anon just trying to deal with events he accidentally set in motion. Everything gets out of hand so fast because no one around him thinks things through, so outlandish spirals of chaos are all we get.

On the topic of outlandish chaos, I saw a good amount of incidental disorder that you don’t need in your story. Toward the beginning, you mention random, cartoonish events happening in the background as a way to show how nutty Equestria can be, and often is. To a point, that’s fine; it gives the story some charm. I think you’re overdoing it, though. Lines 1285-1359 are a good example of this. I did like that you summarized a lot of it, because I think more time on this vignette would not have been worth it, but I think you should tone down the volume of stuff going on around them at the same time. The changeling living with Lyra and Bonbon, for instance. There’s no need for that and for all the small questions that come up as a result of its mention. I think you’re taking this search and rescue party and swinging it past cartoonish into wasteful, especially if you visualize what’s all happening. Remember, this is all taking place in the space of little Ponyville, so you don’t need much to fill out that setting and change it from what it usually is. 16/?

>>29815295
Lines 1630-1749, with the whole town being up in arms about an accusation of Twilight being a vampire, more fully illustrates my point on the characters in your story being morons. I get that there’s humor in the blatancy, but you’re taking more than a hundred lines for that joke, and I have to wonder whether it’s worth it. Same goes for lines 4021-4031: what point is there in adding such a wild diversion to an already diverse story? You don’t need to add more color to this, and you don’t need more random encounters.

These particular problems reach a fever pitch somewhat early, with lines 2160-2804 (roughly). This entire scene is essentially a bunch of different ponies overreacting first to Anon and then to one another, with no one able to stop them until it goes way too far. It’s a theme that occurs a lot in your story, but this scene had it in the highest concentration, and so stands alone. Even discounting the sheer unlikelihood that everyone in Ponyville can be so brainless in the same instant, there are some issues with the logic that you use to bring about this storm of trouble. If this is an Equestria where everyone’s dingalings or kitties are on full display at all times, then why is his dick flopping around a big deal? How does no one just look at him, cock their eyebrows, and say, “oh, having one of THOSE days, huh?” Anon has even less of an excuse than the average stallion, too, because he’s always off plowing someone. If not that, then why does Anon simply see the kids nearby and walk the other way, or hide behind the house? I’d like to add, by the way, that it’s too convenient that him sucking out a bit of Twinkleshine’s soul also precludes him from shapeshifting. That makes no sense on its own, and you don’t explain it. Seems like a cop-out to me. 17/?

>>29815314
Getting back to how everyone reacts, how is it that the rumor of his deviancy travels so quickly, and why does everyone immediately enter into a foaming rage at it? Even the princess gets blindly angry when she hears, and she’s supposed to be the paragon of wisdom and good judgment. I want to drive this point home, that it’s bad form to have major story events take place because everyone involved is inept. It’s not interesting, and it doesn’t show anything about the characters or the nature of the emergency, and it doesn’t take much thought to get out of it. I mean, this problem was eventually solved when everyone saw Nurse Redheart’s note. If a written note is enough to fully take care of a problem, then it probably wasn’t a very complicated problem, and it is an indication of sloppiness when something like that is billed as a major obstacle.

I’ve got some specific examples of other character problems. Twilight and Luna are both totally out of character from the outset, and I don’t recall ever getting an explanation. I assume you’re just giving them the same treatment you gave the whole of Ponyville. Line 807 was the first to really get my attention, with both mares almost exploding in anger, and your later justification for Luna’s aggression on lines 3376-3377 is not particularly good. On line 2479, why in the world does Rainbow need to tell this to Bonbon? They’re not friends. On line 2503, I had to wonder what point there is in making Rainbow into so acute a dumbass. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why stories tend to make her the dumb one, but this particular brand of idiocy is neither interesting nor helpful. Yet another overreaction that I felt was worth mentioning, though this time because it hurts her character, not the scene at large. 18/?

>>29815331
I found that Derpy fit too well into the mould of “dumb, quirky character,” and I think you should find a different personality for her. Her eye thing, and all the fanon, need not hold you back from creating something better. On line 259 of the second part, I thought it strangely convenient how Celestia’s purity is able to destroy the demon in his ring. I’m not seeing why you even needed a demon in there; you could just say it’s enchanted and move on.

Trixie and Glimmer get their own paragraph. You had them as a typical comic relief double-act, which is a good idea, but you did not use them to any great effect. I believe the reason is that their back-and-forth never amounts to anything more than an exchange of invectives. They were often echoing each other instead of adding things, and that echoing would quickly degenerate into the “you bitch, you whorse” exchange. Neither one came across as intelligent or even interesting, because each one only mirrored the other. If you beefed up their dialogue some, you could use them at once as fun asides and interesting sources of new perspectives on current events. Instead of having them just curse each other out, have them argue over topics, and then, in addition to the funny quips being fired around, you get to write about how ponies other than Anon are doing with all the problems that spring up. You wouldn’t have to emphasize that more intelligent aspect, just include it; the reader will notice. 19/?

>Keep seeing Writefag's guild on the first page

>"Oh shit what's happening?"
>LG bringing the heat

Ohh shit nigga

>>29815342
And now, to the part you knew was coming. There was a lot of stuff tacked on at the end, and it was, as you know, a bad idea, but I will explain precisely why. Introducing Twilight and her friends on lines 4141-4142 is too late for how you later use them. Even the Elements of Harmony, who I knew were around for the whole story, need to be properly introduced early on if you’re going to use them. Not doing so makes it appear that you didn’t think your story through, and decided to just include the Winter Queen stuff on a whim. On the matter of the Winter Queen, and correct me if I’m wrong about this, I hypothesize that you did so because you wanted to raise the stakes for Anon. You looked at your story, saw how long it was, and thought that you needed a way to justify that length, so contrived a way in which Equestria could be threatened and summarily saved. Do I have it?

Either way, as you know, it should not have been done. For one thing, you’ve got a bevy of canon villains to choose from, so inventing the Winter Queen is unnecessary. For another, it’s happening totally out of nowhere, and, because of its placement toward the end of the story, it appears that everything else you wrote is leading up to it, which makes no sense when considered, because nothing beforehand even suggests that something like her appearance could or would happen. This is why it would be good to end the story right around where Anon would have gotten the cock ring, because it would have been the end of all the things you had laid out before. The inclusion of a new plot point splits your story. 20/?